Emotions

Today I am thankful for emotions because, on some level, I think it will help me clear out the nasty stuff in my life.

 

 

I think I've been sad and afraid most of the time in recent years.

 

 

I've been afraid of the stalking. 

 

 

I've been afraid of my ex. 

 

 

I've felt a lot of love and kinship for friends but, in shame, I have been guilty of avoiding them due to my fears about the stalking. 

 

 

This morning, I woke up afraid about money. 

 

 

I have inherited the bills.   

 

I signed away my right to alimony or the tax credits.

 

 

I need a job.

 

 

I feel compelled to make money. 

 

 

That's easy. 

 

 

Now, I am not sure if I am angry or sad. 

 

 

Maybe I am a little bit of both. 

 

 

I am lonely. 

 

 

I've been alone for years.  I've slept alone for years.  My ex started sleeping apart from me in 2001. 

 

 

I wonder what life would be like if I had a real partner. 

 

 

My biggest mistake was sticking it out. 

 

 

My ex cannot fathom why I want to leave now.  This has gone on so long, why am I dissatisfied now?

 

 

I have always been dissatisfied.  The games have hit a crescendo.  Our money went missing.  His family has harassed my friends and coworkers.

The cops say my ex is putting his family up to stalking me.

 I need to get away. 

 

I am trying to be resolved to stay away for good this time. 

 

The harder I try....the harder my ex tries to get me back. 

 

Worse, he's been promising to divorce me since 2007!

He'd say I could file when he found a job, or after the next political campaign, or after a lawsuit or other legal action. 

There is no excuse now!

He is in denial. 

Why?

 

Do you know why I say that he is in denial?  

 

Apparently, he is giving thought to remarrying me once the judge rules our divorce final. 

 

He even knows what kind of ceremony he wants.

He wants to do a Handfasting Ceremony!!! 

Why? 

 

Who in the world does that?

 

This makes me sad. 

 

It really does. 

 

What do I need to do to make this sink in for him?

 

How do you let a man know that it is unequivocally over? 

 

Maybe I need to engage my friend in some public displays of affection and see if I can get our pic in the paper. 

I wonder if I could hypnotize myself to be gay or something? 

Or maybe I can crawl in a ditch and die. 

I don't know what to do. 

I really don't. 

 

Help? 

 

A little? 

 

There has got to be a way for me to be more clear here!!!

One would think signing divorce documents would be enough! 

I guess...not. 

Hmmmmm.

What do I do?

 

Love,

 

S. 

Edit four hours later: 

A Scorpio friend told me what to say. 

Yep....he has the same first and last name as my ex.  He prefers to go by his nick name, so it's easy to tell the two of them apart.

My ex has an incredibly common name. 

Maybe someday I'll tell you how this man and I met.  It was a case of mistaken identity and a dirty comment left in the inbox of someone I thought was my husband in the early days of the Internet.

It had to do with blowing out a birthday candle....sigh....to this day, he won't let me forget it!  

My friend said to thank my ex for planning our wedding.  He'd be more than happy to offer to stand in as the groom. 

Years ago, this man and I made a pact that if no one wanted us when were 45, we'd get hitched. 

It won't happen.

I think, as of now, we're both spoken for (or close to it). 

And we live half a world apart now. 

Still...the absurdity of my old friend's statement made me realize the absurdity of the situation.

This, too, shall pass. 

Life is funny! 

I certainly have the funnest friends on the planet!

 

 

 



Demons

Today I am thankful for demons. 

Yeah...I'm Pagan. 

Demons are a way of life.  We examine the inner demons.  We examine the outer demons.

Demons....

demons....

everywhere!





I don't know where to start. 

The ESTP ex in the basement had a rage attack this morning. 

This rage attack was another "I'm your stalker 'cuz the cops say so" attacks.  He's screaming at the top of his lungs, hitting his legs, and tantruming like a little baby. 

He wanted to know why I couldn't stay with him. 

The stalking is part of the reason. 

I still hate sleeping alone. 

It is NOT normal to constantly inspect door knobs for signs of damage and to look over your shoulder for 500 pound bitchy sister-in-laws wanting to pound your head in. 

When I told him that I fear him because of the stalking, he went insane. 

I also learned that he lied to me in order to put the divorce off until next year.  He won't owe taxes if we do it now, he'll just get a smaller refund. 

I'm not sure if I should bother trying to get an earlier court date.

*****

My Grandmother said that we we are all assigned a Shaitan demon upon birth.  

These Shaitans are said to tempt us into hell.     

They are the demons within that ruin our lives. 

If only the Shaitain were easy to control. 

Sometimes when we think we control our Shaitan, and think we have it mastered, we realize that it still has control of us.

My ex can't control his angry Shaitan. 

****

I should know better than to try to get to know a man I haven't met at a metaphysical event.

This is going to get interesting. 

My spirituality tends to drive men insane.   

I'm meditating to thoughts of Sanguine Vampires.  I wonder what that archetype means. 

I don't like that. 

Not at all. 

I had to investigate why that would be the archetype I would summon in trance.

*****

I had a conversation with an INTP who had been spurned by a few INFJs. 

I did not like what he had to say. 

He said my friend and I were doomed to fail in a relationship. 

He had everything charted out. 

I did not tell him anything about my friend or myself other than our personality profile type.  He expected as much because INFJs are secretive to the hilt. 

In sum, he projected his experiences onto us.  I found some truth to it. 

He explained  my communication problem with my friend.  He explained why our roles were reversed.  He explained why my friend is acting funny, planning everything, and trying to seal deals with me despite this being out of character for him. 

He went so far to explain why I am refusing to plan when, by my very nature, I plan everything else in my life. 

In sum.....He claimed that I (and my INFJ ilk) all all sultry succubi who always have an escape route.  

In fact, I'm planning to run away already but just don't know it yet. 

Really? 

I'm trying to process this. 

*****

In this man's eyes, I am INTP demonic kryptonite. 

I am secretive and mysterious.  INTPs love that because we are one puzzle they can't figure out. 

Then, after awhile, the mystery gets annoying and they think that forming a formal relationship will cause the INFJ to spill her guts about everything.  So, despite liking to leave everything open ended, they start to plan a romantic means of defining the relationship. 

The INFJ gets scared to death because someone is getting nosy and wanting to figure out all her deep dark secrets, so she refuses to plan and gets a little skittish. 

The more he pushes, the more she retreats. 

Presto - Change-o  - They've reversed polarities.

Then she'll get really super scared and run away. 

Oh.....he goes on to call all INFJs fakers and liars. 

Gosh....I need to find one that had a happy ending. 

I'm leaving myself a little bit sad over this. 

Am I really a blood sucking vampire?

*****

Since I've been a child, I have been an empath. 

I think I have some pre-cognitive ability.  Okay, okay...I need to qualify this a little bit.  People are generally creatures of habit so it is fairly easy to deduce probable outcomes without trying.  Take, for example, a crazy driver.  The crazy driver is probably not going to take a driver's ed refresher course and will probably end up getting hurt in a car crash.  That's not necessarily pre-cognition, it is a good guess. 

Still, that ability of mine does creep people out. 

I am also Pagan.  I like candles and incense.  I like meditation.  If I had cosmetic surgery to fix the sags, I probably would ritualistically run around naked in my backyard when my neighbors aren't around. 

Just as I am loathe to blind my neighbors, there are some things I am loathe to discuss in public because people do not understand. 

They don't. 

I'm not trying to be secretive.

I'm trying not to make anyone else uncomfortable. 

I'm going to take some time to process that conversation.  

It hurts to think my best friend can have a broken heart. 

It hurts worse to think I could possibly do that to him just be being me. 

Wow....

Love ya,

S. 





Therapists

 

Today I am thankful for therapists.

 

 

I have a background in psychotherapy.  I  quit practicing when the stalking started to get to me. 

 

 

The biggest perk of being a psychotherapist is that I know my competition.  When I need help, I know who to call.  

 

I can knock out big issues in little time. 

 

*****

 

 

On an aside, I hate the word psychotherapist.  Do you want to know why? 

 

 

Spell it out.....

 

 

What do you get? 

 

 

Psycho-the-rapist! 

 

 

The psychologists must've done that as a subliminal marketing ploy to send all the business their way! 

 

*****

 

Why did I go? 

 

I went because I'm afraid to kiss my friend. 

 

 

And....

 

now I know why. 

 

 

I also get panic attacks everytime I speak about my ex. 

 

 

I can trace my first panic attack as an adult to the day I caught my ex sitting outside of one of my classes watching me. 

 

 

So, now....I have a memory of the stalking and I can officially prove to myself who my stalker is.  It was hard to believe the police.  I didn't want to think my ex could do such a thing but I caught him in July of 2008.  In fact, I caught him doing that on four occassions.  Each time I had a panic attack.  Once it led to vertigo and I was hospitalized. 

 

It was an interesting day because the therapist astutely pointed out that my first panic attack occured when I was fourteen. 

 

 

Yep....

 

 

I was visiting my mother on the weekend before her 36th birthday.  My mother literally beat me up because a man at the grocery store had called me beautiful and she was jealous. 

 

 

My step-father caught her hitting me.  He grabbed her and threw her on a gas stove.  He burned her face on a burner and her hair caught fire.  She died of her injuries three days later. 

 

 

I didn't live with these people.  This was a weird thing for me to experience.  They had no telephone, so the only thing I could do was run five blocks to the fire house and get the paramedics. 

 

I ran so hard that I was out of breath and dizzy. 

 

That is the origin of my panic attacks and vertigo. 

 

Oh....okay.....this is why I hate being called beautiful and why abusive aholes give me panic attacks. 

 

 

The cure is simple.  All I have to do is learn how to focus.  I learned about that in graduate school. 

 

 

That was easy. 

 

It is also my biggest fear. I fear abusive relationships.  This is why I'm afriad to kiss my friend.  I saw a fist-size hole in his bedroom door about eye-level.  Part of me fears that he put that there. 

 

*****

 

I came home and told my ex that he had to move out and that it was over with no hope of allowing him to return.  He keeps lying about the stalking.  I can't deal with that. 

 

The revised divorce documents are on file at the courthouse.  All I'm waiting for now is a final hearing.  It's done.  I should have access to some funds the first of November in order to start my new life. 

 

That's done.  Now, I can concentrate on work rather than legal crap. 

 

Hooray!!

 

*****

 

 





Now, that cleared up some mental space to deal with my friend. 

 

I had to go back and reread some of my Jungian Psychology books but I'm pretty sure that I know what is going on. 

 

We communicate in complementary ways. 

 

Yeah....

 

He writes and speaks poetically.  He picks his words out with care. 

 

When he reads and listens, he deconstructs and analyzes every word looking for a hidden meaning. 

 

Okay....

 

I do the opposite. 

 

I speak from my heart. 

 

I read and listen by putting things together as a cohesive whole while looking for connections. 

 

So....I'm not quite sure what to do with that yet. 

 

It does explain a lot.  Maybe I need to try to deconstruct his prose. 

 

The sexual tension isn't making the communcation much better, either. 

We must've have been created to entertain the Gods. 

I can't think I'm on fire. 

It's not fair!   

 

Sigh....

 

*****

 

My relationship with my friend may be over. 

 

I upset my friend yesterday. 

 

He shows his love by trying to teach me how to communicate better. 

 

I didn't understand that at the time and got a little terse. 

 

Maybe I should try.  Perhaps learning to communicate could be my best shot at not following in my mother's footsteps. 

 

I don't know. 

 

I'm probably going to have to ask about the fist-size hole in his door before stepping foot in his domicile ever again. 

 

*****

 

What to do?

 

I don't know. 

 

I set boundaries with the ex. 

 

Now, I have to figure out what my friend wants. 

 

That's the thing. 

If he still trusts me, he'll want to seal a deal and I'll want to keep things open and light. 

 

I'm not sure that being complimentary is such a cool thing. 

It may be good in the long-term but in the beginning it is really hard to understand someone completely different from you. 

Other people do this.  I can learn to do it, too. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



My Ex's Acting

 

Today I am thankful for my ex's acting.

 

 

We sign the divorce papers tomorrow at noon.  Well, actually we sign at 12:30. 

 

He's going to ask the court to hold the hearing on January 2nd, so he saves $5,000 on taxes. 

 

Nonetheless, the agreement is ready to go. 

 

It's a little bit scewed in my favor but if I can get a new job maybe the judge will let me give some of the IRA to my ex if I ask.  I guess there is a benefit to putting the final hearing off. 

 

My ex wanted to friend me on Facebook to keep in touch. 

 

Okay. 

 

 

He's preparing to move out of the basement and Facebook would make it easier to communicate without the emotional response he gets when hearing my voice. 

 

 

Okay. 

 

*****





 

Different people express love in different ways.  Some people like to talk.  Some people like to touch.  Some people like to take care of details.  Some people like to give gifts.  Some people like to affirm the value of others.  Other people like to criticize in an effort to force the other person to grow. 

 

I can't handle that last bit.  I know my faults.  I don't need anyone making light of them. 

 

I can't handle that crap.  I really can't. 

 

Over the past two days, my friend has been a tad bit weird and confusing towards me. 

It's either him working through his personal stuff or trying to force me to grow on some level that makes me uncomfortable.

 

He's projecting a lot of stuff. 

 

He's putting his foot in his mouth. 

 

He's attacking me claiming I don't want to know him and all sorts of other hurtful things. 

 

He's trying to argue with me about minuta. 

 

 

Some of this stuff, he's doing on Facebook in view of other people.  

 

It hurts my feelings a little bit. 

 

That's okay. 

 

He called me irresponsible. 

 

 

Little does he know that I've taken responsibility for making sure that if we're together he won't get saddled with unwanted gifts. 

 

He made it clear that he doesn't want to get together like that. 

 

 

Okay....I guess the pills can go in the trash. 

 

 

No biggie.  I don't like the weight gain anyway. 

 

 

Tonight he spent some time on my page picking me apart over my use of the word "should."

 

You know, I am right when I say that "love shouldn't hurt." 

 

Two people should talk to each other to make sure they are on the same page. 

 

My friend thinks that this is a judgmental and hurtful statement. 

 

 

Okay....

 

 

He kept pushing and pushing. 

 

 

He wrote line after line illustrating why I was wrong. 

 

 

While this was going on, my ex was on the computer in the basement. 

 

 

He was reading my page. 

 

 

And you could hear him laughing.....

 

Then you could hear him screaming

 

"Abort!",

 

"Abort!",

 

"Be quiet, Man!!"

 

"You're digging yourself deeper!"

 

He started making airplane sounds. 

 

"Zoooom.......Zoooommm.....Schreech.......Schreech.....!"

 

"Mayday!"

 

"Mayday!"

 

 

When 8:00 rolled around and I said I was too tired to Facebook, I heard my ex make a

 

"BOOM" sound before saying "Game Over."

 

 

He came upstairs. 

 

 

He gave me a hug. 

 

 

He said he was sorry and that he still loved me. 

 

He said that my friend is a fool. 

 

 

I don't know what to make of this. 

 

 

I am exhausted. 

 

 

I am frustrated. 

 

 

And I've learned that when my friend says that he wants sex, he doesn't mean that. 

 

No....he means that he doesn't want to be screwed by politicians. 

 

 

I don't know how to speak his language. 

 

To me sex means.....flinging clothes.....nakedness....sucking....tasting.....horizontal polka-ing......upright polka-ing....sharing a lap......mimicking porn.....that kind of thing.

 

The last thing that comes to mind is politics or governmental institutions. 

 

Okay....whatever......I should have checked in with my friend earlier before visiting the doc. 

 

I thought he was quite clear.  He wanted sex. 

 

I guess that means that his definition of sex is not the same as mine. 

 

Okay.....

 

Help? 

 

They don't have a pill for getting screwed by politicians. 

 

I guess they do....

 

It's called Prozac. 

 

Perhaps Thorazine would work, too.   It's a pharmaceutical lobotomy.  Politics can't hurt if you can't think about it (or anything else for that matter). 

 

*****

 

This is the life that awaits me after I divorce. 

 

At least I'll have plenty of time to wash my hair! 

 

I'm nursing two broken hearts this evening; I lose a crazy ex whose been on his best behavior of late -and- I lose my best friend. 

That's the way love goes. 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S.  

Female Perception

Today I am thankful for female perception.  

 

 

Let me help a curious guy out with a little insight into female perception. 

 

 

Mean men are perceived to have smaller dicks than nice ones. 

 

 

You see.....my perception of size and ability is relative to a man's kindness. 

 

In my world, if a man tries to provoke me into anger in the hopes of make-up sex. 

 

 

I'll sing this song to him. 

 

 

 

Break-up sex is non-existent.

 

Worse, making fun of a me in a public forum with your bros will get you banished from my life. 

Never....ever....do that! 

Now, if you're honest and kind there are other songs that come to mind. 

 

I might sing this to you IF I'm not too busy playing.  

 

 

It's your call!

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

Block Smashing Days

 

 

Today I am thankful for block smashing days. 

I woke up and all of the idiotic things that were in the way of my progress went away. 

I found a short term therapist for PTSD help; I think this is why I am having intimacy blocks.  I'll be fixed up in no time. 

A little EMDR...

A little Gestalt therapy...

and the anxiety from the stalking will be a thing of the past.

I'll be good as new.  

I found that one of my previous doctors will help me with girly stuff.  My insurance situation is iffy and it is darn difficult to find one willing to take a patient without reliable access to health insurance.  This one will take my dough. 

Things are looking up! 

Hooray!!!

Then my momentum died in the afternoon. 

I learned that the divorce documents had an error, so we have our official divorce document signing party at 12:30 on Thursday.

Everything was going my still way, though...

until around 1:00. 

I got an email from my ex with a horribly mixed message.  He wants to reconcile but he knows that I'm happier with someone else.

Huh? 

That is one minor block. 

I decided that it is best to focus on something else. 

Okay....

My to-do list is a mile long.  I have to build a resume.  I have to build a website.  I have to start selling products online. 

Then....I tried to work on my Flash Website!  UGH!!! 

The site crashed!!! 

UGH!!!

I get to start over now. 

That's a huge block! 

Thank goodness I can get back to work. 

Things are not going so well now. 

I'll keep plugging away. 

Love ya,

S.

Songs

 

Today I am thankful for the power of a song.

I'm in tears again. 

It is over a song that I have heard hundreds of times since the day I was born.  Maybe I've heard it a thousand times. 

My auntie had a crush on Ringo. 

I guess that is beside the point. 

Well, maybe it is not. 

I've heard this song a thousand times.

I thought the song was about a simple crush. 

I thought the song was about a simple touch. 

At most, I thought it was about someone wanting to explore touching in very private ways that people do not generally discuss in public.

My friend sent it to me the other day and I took for granted what it meant. 

Then, I really listened to it. 

I assumed all he wanted was physical touch. 

He was sad that I missed the message. 

Ah....I forgot that he is a romantic at heart. 

I owe him an apology. 

It's not about hand holding.  It is about defining another human being as your partner.  At least, this is how I take it. 

I love the little line about not being able to hide one's love. 

No...I haven't caught him.... yet. 

By the time men reach my age, they're awfully darn good about concealing such things. 

What a shame! 

The lesson here is that when a man who is detail oriented sends you a song to express his feelings - LISTEN TO THE SONG!!! 

 

A little over two years ago, my friend was giving a speech about the nature of energy.  It was a beautiful speech, especially when he spoke about how energy of opposite charges have a tendency to intertwine around each other.  The way he looked into my eyes when he gave it made me a little scared, a little aroused, and a little red in the face. 

 

Earlier this year, he mentioned wanting me to be his partner.  Men always say dorky stuff to get you into bed, so I didn't really believe him....too much. 

He seemed sincere but I was stuck here.  I told him so.  I think it hurt him.

 

 This spring, he left my presence and cut me out of his life for two weeks. 

My friends told me to never see him again. 

I couldn't do that.

He came back later and told me that he lives to make me happy. 

  

That scared me because I believe him. 

  

Something inside me doubts that anyone could really love me.  I thought that if he actually spent time with me he'd run off, or see how ugly I am without make-up, or get freaked out when I drive. 

 

Nope. 

 

 

I guess not. 

 

 

I guess I'll stop running and face my fears.  I'm not sure he'll want me if this drags out another 90 days.  

 

I'll never forgive myself if I don't follow my heart. 

 

I'll just take this time to get a good job, fix myself, and see if my friend and I have what it takes to grow our connection.

   

You know it comes down to being with the person you can't live without. 

  

I don't know if I can live without my friend. 

 

I know I can live without him -but- he has a way of making the world a more interesting place. 

It is a beautiful mental connection.  It's like we can build sculptures from stones.  He has a random pile of quantitative data (facts, figures, theories).  I have a random pile of qualitative data (social psychology, art history, mythology).  Together we piece the our collection of rocks together and build beautiful new theories based on what we know. 

Knowing him, he'll want to test them someday.

I'm not sure I'd go so far to say he completes me.  He just makes everything better, more beautiful, more honest, and more understandable.

He helps me answer deep philosophical questions. 

He helped me find my footing.  My foundation seemed a little unstable but now I have confidence that I have planted myself on solid ground.

He's a great friend.  I dare say he's become my best friend.  I don't like labeling him that way, though.

Love is like a rose in that it won't thrive under pressure. 

 

Labels can be a form of pressure. 

I'll pray about it.  It's when you are faced with losing someone special that you end up reflecting on who that person is to you and how much he or she means to you. 

I spent the past couple of days doing that.  I am happy my friend is in my life. 

I need to do things differently. 

The first thing I need to do is LISTEN with my heart. 

Love ya,

S.  

Time Moves

Today I am thankful that times moves on. 

Sometimes it moves far too slowly. 

Sometimes the delays kill me. 

The divorce documents are signed. 

I deliver them to the court on Wednesday. 

I am happy about that!

I just looked them over and am incredibly unhappy. 

My ex wants the final decree entered on January 2, 2014 so that he saves a bundle on taxes.  He promised to share the refund with me. 

I'll let him. 

He gave me the house and an IRA in exchange for an alimony waiver.  That was incredibly generous.

I guess this is the least that I can do. 

I fear that saving my ex thousands of dollars will probably cost me the only thing I really truly want. 

*****

As much as I think I should run away from my friend,

my love for him always brings me back. 

I don't like it when he hurts.  I hate thinking he's worried.  I hate thinking that he's feeling like I treat him as someone who is not equal to me.  I just hate the thought of him being alone and hurting.

All I want to do is really hug him

-and-

really console him.

The more I think about it, he is the only one person I want.  I'd rather be alone than with anyone else.

As much as I want him, we have that scruple thing is hanging over our heads. 

It looks like the divorce just stretched out another three months. 

I don't think I can take this much longer. 

This sucks...

It is not what I want to be sucking. 

Thankfully, I've stocked up on lollipops. 

Love ya,

S. 

Running Away

Today I am thankful for the option of running away. 

I have this incredible urge to run away from men in general. 

It sounds bad but this is where I am at. 

I don't fear intimacy so much as I fear being controlled.

I want equality. 

With my friend, it comes down to one line.  I'm going to paraphrase.

I'm beginning to make him uncomfortable.  

I guess he perceives me as NOT treating him as my equal.  I try.  I try to introduce him to movers and shakers.  I try to get him face time with people who he can influence.  I try to pay my own way. 

My mentalism used to give him the creeps.  He finds comfort in it now. 

This makes me sad. 

I do agree that the energy is weird.  There is this push-pull dynamic that is hard to explain. 

  

Maybe....just maybe....I need to let him go. 

They say that this is an INFJ thing.  We are runners.  When people get too close, we tend to turn tail and run. 

Maybe I should. 

That thought is bringing me severe pain. 

The thought that I have made him uncomfortable, though, brings even more pain to me than the thought of losing him.

I guess I have to let go now. 

I'm off to cry alone. 

Love,

S.

Gender Bent

 

 

Oh, my goodness....today I am thankful that I found my gender bent and that he's pretty cool!

 

 

Gender Bent (noun):  a term used the local teenagers use to describe a member of the opposite sex who is uncannily similar to you in lifestyle, taste, desire, goals, dress, mannerisms and so on.  

 

*****

 

 

I freaked myself out a little bit on Friday. 

 

I spent the entire day warding off advances from my ex.  I wanted to get work done.  I couldn't. 

 

I just got ready to take my friend to a communication class where I was confronted by the stupid things I do to 'eff up my life.

 

I stayed 22 years with someone that hurts me and I stayed out of a sense of duty.  That wasn't very wise 

 

I am in denial of feelings that I have.  That's incredibly dorky, too.  

 

I hurt people because I don't tell them how I feel, especially when it is positive.  I just stoically go about doing things and trying to clean up the little fires the dysfunctional people in my life start. 

 

Of course, the fact that dysfunctional people are in my life makes me an accomplice.  I need to run off. 

 

*****

 

 

My friend invited me into his condo. 

 

I knew what was coming....or at least I thought I did. 

 

I was ill prepared for it.  I spent the entire day warding off advances from my ex, so despite what I felt I don't know if I was geared up to do anything about it. 

 

I was literally on fire. 

 

Nothing happened. 

 

*****

 

I walked into his condo and nearly fainted. 

 

It was a lot like the way I had decorated the first home I owned.  It looked a lot like the basement of this house before my ex moved into it. 

 

Everything was pine.  He had a pine wood floor.  I was collecting pine furniture for the basement.  It is eerie.  I used to have a pine futon; he has one.  I store stuff in wicker baskets; he does.  I was saving money for an electric fireplace and a wooden floor to replace the decrepit carpet; he has a pine floor.  We have the same fireplace.

 

If I had my way with the basement, it would have looked like my friend's condo.  My ex started sleeping in there in 2002, so I never really had a chance to fix it up too much.  

 

I plant things in wooden barrels as does my friend.  This is interesting.

 

Before I married, I used to have ethnic drums in my living room.  I never knew how to play them.  I just thought they were pretty.  He has ethnic drums in his living room.  

 

Of course, he has recording equipment in a prominent place in his home.  His microphone broke and I have an older version of the one he broke that I've never used.  I was hunting it down to give it to him but I can't find it.   

 

Our musical playlists are very eclectic.   The same goes for movies: we both love science fiction and political conspiracy theories! 

 

We both have exercise rooms filled with books!  I think I devote more space to work out equipment than to my clothes!  I have a lot of clothes! 

 

What freaked me out most was his kitchen.   We drink the same kind of coffee (vanilla and hazelnut).  We both grind our own beans at the time of use.  We take the same supplements (Creatine powder, protein powders and that kind of thing).  we use the same brand of cleaners.  We had the exact same appliances on our counter tops (except I have a bread maker and a crock pot).  These aren't little things like toasters; we had the same brand of coffee maker, the same coffee grinder, the same grill (which most people don't use often enough to keep on their counter tops).  

 

Oh my goodness....this person lives just like I do. 

 

I think that scared me on some level. 

 

*****

 

But then....I began to doubt if I were a good match for him. 

 

Then he started talking about the women he used to date and how they couldn't talk to their fathers.  At that moment, I began to feel sad.  I felt confronted with things my daughter said to me in front of her therapist.  She can't talk to her father.  She's angry that I've stayed with him especially when there are nicer and kinder men out there.  It hurts her to see me hurt.  She would rather live in poverty than with a mother who is sad all  of the time. 

 

The kids cheered when their father and I announced the divorce.  That was the last thing I anticipated.   I thought that I would betray them by leaving. 

 

It was that memory of my daughter talking about me to the therapist made me flee the scene.  It dawned on me exactly WHO she was talking about.  I don't want that.  Things are supposed to happen naturally.  I don't want people to push. 

 

If it works...it works.  If it doesn't...I hope it was a beautiful and pleasant experience.   

 

I wanted to go home and hug the kids. 

 

My friend followed me out to the car and made sure I got there safely.  I did.  I just wasn't sure that I'd make the drive home.  My mind was NOT on the road. 

 

I literally had to sit there to calm down before starting the ignition. 

 

*****

 

I was brimming with sexual energy which really was a bad thing.  When I came home in the wee hours of the morning, my ex came upstairs and started milling around the upper levels of the house. 

 

I went to my room and locked the door.  I did a ritual to Isis and Osiris begging to understand what I am supposed to do.  I could not sleep a wink. 

 

Of course, my ex wanted to try to seduce me for one last hurrah.  

 

The energy does NOT belong to him.  He did not bring it to the surface, someone else did. 

 

I can't see how this is going to work so long as my ex lives in the same domicile.  I may have to go camping for month or so. 

 

*****

 

Then my friend wrote something to me that is giving me pause to reconsider.  I am giving him doubts and making him uncomfortable. 

 

If he were my brother, my uncle, or a cousin who wanted my advice- I would tell him to listen to that voice.  If I tell him that now, it could hurt him. 

 

If it were me.....I would listen to that voice! 

 

If I make him uncomfortable in any way and we can't talk about it and repair it, it would be best to move on. 

 

It hurts me to type that but the truth is the truth.  Maybe I'm not right for him and we just haven't figured it out yet. 

 

We'll see.  I think I'm going to have another emotional day today. 

 

*****

 

It is just incredibly weird.  This person is very similar to me as far as tastes, lifestyle, goals, hobbies and political philosophy.  We both like philosophy.  We are both rabble rousers. 

 

The most beautiful thing is that we both come to similar conclusions but use different and completely opposite thought methodologies to get there; he's more focused on facts and quantitative data while I'm more focused on social, qualitative and psychological information.

 

Together we come up with new and better theories.  It is incredibly cool! 

 

I've never met anyone quite like him.  If we truly are so similar, I don't feel like such an alien anymore. 

 

I don't. 

 

Now, I guess it is a matter of sorting through my fears and asserting myself around my ex -or- letting go of the both of them. 

 

Only time will tell. 

****

What are my fears? 

On some level, I fear being a metaphorical mermaid.  I fear taking a hot sailor down into the depths of love and killing the wonderful freedom, the wonderful authenticity that makes him who he is. 

I fear smothering him or being smothered. 

Socially conventional ideas of couple hood are completely bothersome to me.  It's about conforming not growth.  I hate that! 

I've never had the experience of men not taking love too seriously.  They fall in love.  They want to press the issue.  They want to become exclusive.  Then they want to dictate your last name.  Then they turn into little cogs in the social machine.  They think that they have to do soul killing work, take on a soul killing role, or do something that they don't want to do because it is socially acceptable.

I don't want it to change him.  I don't want it to kill who he is or make him a shell of a human being.

I don't want that happening to me, either.

I guess that is my biggest fear.

I never thought I'd fall in love again.  I never thought I'd want to be with someone.  I fear that this is all too good to be true and that it'll morph into a do-over of what I'm going through now. 

I would be willing to suspend my fear for the right person; someone who can tell me what he wants and take time for himself while allowing me to take time for myself. 

Maybe taking it slow is the wisest course of action now. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.

 

 

 

Sticks and Handkerkerchiefs

Today I am thankful for sticks and handkerchiefs.

 

 

I'm going to run away from home. 

I mean it.

I really, really do. 

Okay, so the court agreement isn't going to happen in real life. 

Nice....

The car I was promised is out. 

Okay...

In fact, he may wind up using mine in order to keep his job.

Okay....

At least, as of today, I no longer feel guilty for being offered so much. 

Just because the court order says I'll get something, does not mean it will happen in reality.

This is of little consequence.

My eye is on the prize of freedom.

*****

Today I feel like I am living in the twilight zone. 

I fell asleep in tears. 

I'm in love but can't do anything about it. 

The man I adore has scruples. 

That means that we have to wait until this debacle is over.

Part of me hopes he has a hottie on the side.  Sex is medicine for men.  They need it. I want him to live an awfully long time. 

Sigh....as for me....he awakened something I cannot experience. 

It's a painful place to be. 

I'm losing confidence that my ex is going to leave anytime soon.

*****

I awoke to take the kids to school. 

My ex's car was in the garage.

He was in the basement.

I was terrified that his 400+ pound frame finally gave out on him. 

Every time he does this, I fear finding him dead.

He was alive.

He just chose not to go into work.

He said that it was because he overslept.

Later on today, I learned that it is because his car needs repaired.

He may wind up with mine.

*****

All day long he tried to hug me.

It's like all of the sudden, he wants to make up for all those years where he didn't want to touch me.

This is awkward.

I am actually wearing blue jeans today.  I love dresses.  In my everyday life, I would usually wear a dress or a skirt. 

Pants are harder to rip off. 

I am still horrified from the day he liked my dress, made a mess on my leg,  and then ran off to devour potato chips in front of the kids. 

I washed up and found him wrist deep in a bag of potato chips.  He didn't even wash his hands!!! 

Never again.

No dresses!! 

*****

 

This hurts me.

 

I'm incredibly lonely. 

 

I miss being touched by a man.

 

I have to trust them before they can touch me.

 

I do not trust my ex.

All day long I tried to explain that love does not equate to trust.

I will probably never trust him.

I stayed here today so he could use my van to get parts for his car.

He has not left.

*****

I don't know what to do.

I truly don't know.

He says that it is time for me to do what I want.

Well.....

Hmmmmm......

he won't like that answer.

This is breaking my heart. 

Would it be bad to run away?

The court ordered him to move out by November 1.

I could make myself scarce until then. 


I need to find somewhere to go. 

Love ya,

S.

TBA

I don't know what to be thankful for. 

I guess I can be thankful that I'm not greedy.

The mediator took me aside and asked about the violence. 

I couldn't take part in the mediation.  Nothing mattered.  If we come to an agreement in public, it falls apart in private.  Whatever he wants is fine by me. 

The lawyer noticed and sent him from the room. 

I told her what was going on.  I can't mediate.  I'll just do whatever my ex wants.  I can't talk to him without getting yelled at, so I just want to do whatever he wants. 

She asked me to leave.

She took him aside.

When I came back, he had signed an agreement giving me the house and the IRA in exchange for my right to get alimony.  He also gets the tax credits. 

Here is the deal.  I don't want the house and the IRA. 

I feel quite guilty about it. 

I really wanted to do this without talking about the stalking and the violence.  I think I guilt tripped  him into giving me things.  I don't like that.  That's not fair!

I think I may have cried when I spoke about how the stalking has changed my life.  I think I may have cried again when I said that having the police tell me that my ex was behind it ruined my perception of the world. 

Up until that day, I trusted my heart. 

Now, I don't.  I think I am chasing away a decent man because I don't trust myself. 

Should I go back and change everything?

I don't want to control people with tears!

This whole thing hurts me so damn much. 

I just want my freedom. 

 

*****

 

Can I take the house?  

Can I do this to other people?

Can I take the only assets that I know about?

It's like he's giving me everything. 

It does not feel right. 

I wish I knew what to do. 

If I knew for sure that he hid $47K, I wouldn't feel so bad. 

The house has a lot of equity.  There is only $28K in the IRA (maybe less).

He also promised to finance another car for me so that I can have something that won't have a GPS box on it. 

I'll pray about it. 

I don't want to do anything that will compromise my ability to get beauty sleep.

I haven't signed anything yet.

I have until next week to get this done. 

I also heard that I may have to wait until January 2nd to finalize it due to the chance that letting my ex claim me on his 2013 taxes will save him a small fortune.  I'm asking an accountant to run the numbers. 

If it makes little difference, I'll get it over with sooner rather than later.  If it saves him more than $1,000 then I'll wait.

That would make me feel a tiny bit better. 

It sucks having ethics. 

Love ya,

S. 

Edit: I did pray about it.  If I manage to make decent money, I can always return the favor.  I can set aside the funds for the kids or get a life insurance police to benefit my ex or do something to repay him. 

I guess it's easier to give money back than it is to fight for what one needs. 

I'm off to hunt for a real job. 

The Little Typos

 

Today I am thankful for the little typos that make me go crazy over certain men. 

Okay, not men. 

Right now, it is over a certain guy. 

I'm going to try to keep this post going so I can keep track of all the little typos that makes me grin.

See,,,I have typos too. 

The typos make me grin because he is the one making them.  The singular subject "he" makes me grin.

Here are two, as promised. 


1.)  I type "Hmmmmmmmm", to indicate thinking. 
      He types "hum."
      In my warped view, it feels like a command to play the skin flute. 

You know, I wonder, if they make kazoo lollipops anymore?  That is what I want for Christmas (or even Halloween).  I want something sweet to hum into that will sing something back to me for my efforts. 

2.)  When he is angry, frustrated, or upset he types "of coarse." rather than "of course". 
      I want to give him a back rub and soothe out all the pain.

One of the hottest things about men, is that they have so many different textures to explore.  The male side of the species are definitely works of art.  There are different textures and different tastes.   Ah....for the most part, it can be delicious.   I have to qualify that a little bit.

The trick is finding one that you can talk to when you're in public spaces and don't want to annoy other people.  It is hard to find a man that stimulates interesting conversation when the blood is circulating around your brain.  Those intellectual connections are darn near impossible to find.

Maybe I'm luckier than usual now. 

*****

If I see any more that I can share publicly, I'll consider posting them here to remind me why I am also thankful that my hot water heater is wonky and I have access to ice cubes.

I could just buy a diary and keep it by my bedside, too.   Maybe I'll have happier dreams doing it that way. 

I don't know.  I can try. 

I guess that the point of this post is;

no matter who you are

be yourself whenever you can. 

Your quirks, nuances, and mistakes are hot to someone who loves and adores you. 

Love ya,

S. 

Pedestals and Foundations

 

Today I am thankful for pedestals and foundations.

 

 

I believe I am overwhelmed almost to the point of depression. 

 

 

I'm trying to regain my lost business with little money.

 

 

I'm trying to find a paying job working for someone else for the first time in seventeen years.

 

 

I'm trying to clean a house and a yard that I may wind up owning.

 

 

I'm in love and feel guilty about it.

 

 

I'm sleeping three hours a night. 

 

 

My skin looks like heck.

 

I can barely think. 

 

 

Today, though, I realized that I am afraid of telling my friend what is going on.  The whole thing makes me feel defensive. 

 

 

Partly because I don't know what is going on.  Partly because I have yet to yank control of my life completely away from my ex. 

  

In the therapeutic world, we have a saying

 

"The person with the most flexibility controls the system."

 

Disordered people tend to be the most flexible and thus they are often in control of everything!

 

I spend at least four hours every day trying to talk to my ex to gain some sense of understanding and closure. 

 

We've got 24 hours to go until we sign the papers. 

 

Now, he's put in a call to a therapist. 

 

Now, he wants me. 

 

I don't get it. 

 

I really don't. 

I think he only wants me because I love someone else.

 

*****

 

I believe that I have put my friend on a pedestal.  

 

 

When my life is an emotional wreck, I find refuge in his empathy and his logic. 

 

 

He thinks in the opposite fashion.  I'm more emotional and socially focused.  He's more in tune with logic and theory.  I use social rationalization and want to know if what I am doing is right with regard to people.  He uses logical rationalization and wants to know if something is right based on reason and truth. 

 

 

When I hurt, spending time with him makes all the difference in the world.  Even if we don't speak too much, just knowing that there is another way of seeing and sensing things makes a difference. 

 

 

I put him on a pedestal in my mind

but

in reality he provides me with a different foundation. 

 

 

Last week, I was incredibly depressed.  I was in incredible pain.  He was there for me...a lot! 

 

I don't want to take his time from him unless he gets something out of it.  He's busy.  I need to make myself busy, too. 

 

 

I'm trying to avoid taking much more of his time.  It's impacting his work.  This hurts me. 

 

*****

 

 

I probably shouldn't write about my Lakshmi visualization.  He doesn't go for things like that. 

 

 

Last Wednesday, I did a ritual to Lakshmi.  In the past, when I'd ask her for money, she told me that what I truly wanted was love and beauty.  She said she'd give me the gift of love and long flowing hair. 

 

 

I realized that I had love all along. 

 

 

My hair has never looked better.

 

 

During this visualization, she threw coins at me and told me that I will go to networking events and meet someone that needs a Database Manager.  She instructed me to get a business card and give it to my friend. 


At the time, I didn't know that my desire to spend time with my friend was impacting his work.  Now, I understand the wealth that Lakshmi is giving to me. 

 

 

So, today I am off to network.  

 

I am terrified about tomorrow.  I am terrified that everything left will be ripped from me and I'll end up staying here due to the legal system. 

 

Love changes everything, though.  Suddenly losing what remains of my wealth doesn't seem near as important as losing my best friend. 

 

It's interesting how one person can become so important within the span of two years, isn't it? 

 

May you find the best of life and love,

 

 

S.

 



A Gift from the Gods

 

Today I am thankful for what I found beside my bed today.

It has been a bizarre night. 

I spoke to my friend on the phone and was as inarticulate as I usually am when he is around. 

Being on the telephone doesn't fix stupidity nor does it hide it. 

My ex heard the phone ring and heard me say "Hey, Steve!"

He decided to make his presence known.  He got loud.  He started talking loudly.  He made me dessert.  He kept interrupting me. 

What the heck is this all about?

Jealousy?

Oh my goodness....

I need to move out...

but I can't....

but I must...

This is all so very surreal. 

The divorce has to be final or contested by the end of the month or the judge will throw it out. 

It has gone on for far too long.

*****

I blogged for a bit. 

I tried to record my voice.  I did a tiny recording but you can tell I was crying. 

Why?

Because I am in love

and

I am terrified. 

I have a lot of regrets.

I don't see an end to this.  If only I had not gone back, if only I had followed through when my ex left in 2011,

if only I'd done this....

if only I'd done that...

I'd be free to be with my friend.

I have so many regrets. 

 

*****

Last night I had a crazy dream.  My ex and I were standing in an amusement park.  He was pretty far away, so we had to yell at each other in order to communicate.  All of my friends were getting on a roller coaster.  The entrance of the ride looked very tame and was painted like a little brick house. 

As my friends entered their seats, they were randomly seated next to one member of the opposite sex. 

There were love songs blaring in the area.  The one I remember was a Dolly Parton song. 

My friends were beckoning me to get on that ride. 

I knew better than to go on that roller coaster.  I could make out the cries of pain behind the serene facade.

My ex is yelling at me.  "Go ahead" he shouts.

"No." I whisper, "I hate that ride."

*****

My friend, yet again, offered me the opportunity to take communication classes with him.  He asked me over a year ago.  I declined.

 I'd love to go -but- I fear too much.

I fear my ex won't go away and it will be a thorn in my side.  How can I be with someone new if my baggage is following me around?

If I could learn to communicate, the ride would be much different.  If I found someone I could relate to better, the ride would be much more pleasant. 

Communication classes are a great idea.

Maybe I'll learn how to verbalize my thoughts better.   I get the sense that he wants me to learn to ask for what I want.  The problem is that I don't know.

I do admire how he can ask for what he wants directly.  That would be a nice skill to have.  

*****

I didn't think I cold ever find love. 

I think it found me. 

How can I allow it to grow with all this death, pain, confusion, and sadness in my life?

*****

I awoke to find that a wilted rose that I had cleared away from Aphrodite's altar had new growth. 

Every Friday, I buy Aphrodite a gift. 

A few weeks ago, it was a red rose.  I believe I bought it on a Thursday night after seeing my friend briefly at a bar.  He seemed so open and happy.  I haven't seen that side of him for awhile.

I miss that side of him. 

Usually, when I replace the roses, I recycle the petals and use them in my homemade cosmetics.

 I got lazy that week and just set it down in it's vase by my bedside.

This morning, I noticed that it had new growth.  A thorn had turned into a new branch.

I'm not sure what to make of this. 

I have a dead rose with a living thorn.

Does this mean that my love is dead and the thorn in my side is still alive?

Or is this a sign that when I thought my ability to love was dead, it came back to life?

Does it mean that new love sprung from pain?

I don't know.

All I know is that I feel the need to be on the lookout for miracles.  Maybe something will shift for me in the next few days.

My ex and have our final mediation session on Wednesday.  I hope for a lot more clarity then. 

I am realizing that I am holding back from love out of fear that I will never officially end things with my ex. 

I fell in love with a friend.  I respect him far too much to risk breaking his heart.

I thought that if I kept my distance and kept quiet, he wouldn't know I love him.  He wouldn't feel it.  I thought that there was no risk of hurting him if he didn't know. 

I don't have a poker face.  I can't hide my thoughts well at all.

He knows. 

He feels it, too. 

I'm hoping for another miracle. 

Love ya,

S.