Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Today I am thankful that I have recognized that when there is a lot of stress in one's life,

the best thing to do is let go.

My life isn't working. 


My ex-husband won't move out.  I don't have the heart or money to evict him.


I'm trying to convince him to sell the house.  The insurance just ballooned.  I can't afford the house now.  I feel guilty asking for alimony or him to pay back the $12,000 he stole after I filed for a divorce. 


He said he'd do those things.  He never does what he says he will do. 


I am thinking about moving out. 


Yes, I was awarded this house and the equity in the divorce but the money I was promised in the separation agreement to start my new life isn't there now because my ex spent a good chunk of it without my permission.  The rest of it is still in an account with his name. 


I'm probably going to wind up moving out anyway just to get away from the madness.


Divorce decrees and separation agreements rarely become reality. They may look good on paper but they don't necessarily translate well into reality.

This is just a continuation of the sexless marriage I was in before.  I still have a stalker.  I still get yelled at.  I just don't have health insurance.

I am fairly sure that my ex is behind the stalking.  The cops say he is.  I can't prove it, though. 

That makes it hard to do anything so long as he is still here. 

I am beginning to feel incredibly depressed.

*****

This has impacted my relationship with Steve so much so that I am leaning quite heavily towards letting him go.

It is creepy to hear my ex-husband say that Steve has everything that he wants.  I hear this every time I visit my boyfriend.  My ex looks like he's going to cry and claims he wants me back the way things were.  It hurts me, partly, because things are still the way they've been since 2006!

That sadness and negative anticipation is beginning to creep into the connection I had with Steve.  I don't feel it anymore.  I still love my boyfriend dearly -but- I don't feel him.  Maybe because I'm depressed and embarrassed over the situation.  Maybe because I feel guilty for believing that this was over and telling my best friend about it. 

Maybe it is because Steve shushes me, or tells me that the things I talk about are too heavy, or tells me not to apologize when I feel like I need to, or when he pulls away when I touch his face. 


Maybe I was offended when he called me a bunny and "submissive."  I am NOT submissive.  I am trying to stay alive.  I feel incredibly judged.  There are times around him when I feel incredibly beautiful and then there are other times when I feel yucky.


When I tell him that I will only put up with so much crap before I start seizing my power and taking control of the situation, something I refer to as "mean", he tells me that I am not being nice to myself.


I am having trouble letting go of the "submissive" comment.  


Damn....I helped start an activist group and ran against two city councilmen that vied for Mayor because the city council supported an abusive employee that broke the law and stole my money.  Seriously? Am I submissive? 


I'm getting ready to take on the City Manager and the Mayor.


Submissive my @$$.

Could I have misunderstood?  I don't think so.



I'm just trying to stay alive.  I don't feel safe right now.  My sister-in-law tried to break into my house.  My ex-husband claims he gave her a key then he told me that he lied about it.  This makes me think my ex is delusional.  That is what scares me.  Delusional people will murder people for crazy reasons.  I want to get out of here alive with three living and breathing little girls!


My ex can always say that the stalking got bad when I became an activist.  After I started calling the council out of their poor leadership, the cops sat outside my house on a daily basis (I have another blog detailing that). 

Now, I'm on a blame merry-go-round.  My ex blames his sister and cops.  The cops blame him -but- they refuse to investigate.

The cops refusal to investigate or take reports is a HUGE red flag to me. This creates a sliver of possibility that the cops are behind it, too.  I did catch the PAR officer playing around in my back yard and messing with something in my garage in July of 2011.  Maybe they're doing it for political reasons?  I don't know.  I wish they'd investigate and give me something solid.

*****

I guess that doesn't matter.  This is not what is making me cry today.



The connection with Steve has degraded so much so that I am not sure I want to continue.


I don't feel him.  I don't feel fireworks anymore.  I feel raw and weird and bored.  It has become a physical sensation that I do not know how to define.

It is a feeling best described as the sensation I feel l when I scrub dead skin off of my feet.  I try to focus on how much I love him but the awkwardness and rawness of it all takes my attention away from that. 


I don't know how to fix it.


Breaking up with Steve will hurt me because he was my closest friend.  It'll be throwing away a three year relationship.  I keep finding myself not doing things with Steve because I don't want to come home to hear my ex crying. 


I am realizing that I have to break up with Steve.  I'm working on that.  This entire situation is stressing me out.  I can't find a solution. 


I try.  I can't fix it.  I guess it is time to just do what I can to stay safe and sane. 


Wish me luck. 

May everyone find the one most suited for them without dealing with crazy stress. 

Love ya,


S.

Sharing Wood

Today I am thankful for those few moments that I get to laugh heartily.

Someone with the same name as my high school sweetheart sent this video to my business email account. 

I laughed so much! 

So, perhaps....is it possible that ol' Tom is finally working out the issues pertaining to our former relationship and how I hurt him.....twenty-five years too late!

I guess I should thank him (or whoever sent the video) for sharing his wood with me.  However, as of right now, I only woodwork with Steve. 

Still.....I hope I never made any guy feel like I sliced him to shreds. 

If it wasn't him, that's okay. 

The thought made me giggle.  Whoever sent it has a gosh darn funny sense of humor. 

Love ya,

S. 


Edit:

I think my ex-hubby sent the video -or- it was a fluke.


I spent some time thinking about it and "woodworking" was my ex-husband's metaphor for sex.  He was always obsessed with my first relationship.  Around '04, things Tom gave me - things I thought were long gone, started turning up around the house. 

I found him in his bedroom with my senior yearbook and Tom's love letters circa '07. 

His cousin tried to steal Tom from me back in '87.  I think Tom only noticed once and that was when she persuaded her best friend (who weighed over 300 pounds) to sit on his lap and flirt with him. 


The look on his face was classic.  I am, to this day, reminded of this by my ex-husband. 

I need to leave the past behind.  It's hard because my ex-husband has far too many ties to my past. 


 

Confused Terror

Today I am thankful for forensic research. 

I am realizing that my danger has not passed. 

Steve wants me to move beyond the stalking. 


I try. 


I research it.  I delve into case studies.  I read too much. 


How can I feel safe again?


And, again it comes down to rage, anger, power, and the need to control another human being. 


Stalkers tend to have had a previous relationship with their victims and do not want to let go of said relationship. 


Then, I realize that I have my ex-husband living in my basement who daily tells me that Steve has everything he (meaning my ex) wants. 


Then I feel sick and scared. 


90% of stalkers have the ability to coerce their families into stalking for them. 


I get more afraid. 

Am I allowing the enemy close access? 

Do I have to change up the divorce agreement, sell the house and move out of state? 


I also am learning that most incidents occur due the behavior (or inaction) of the stalkee.


This means that every time a relative of Mike stalks me, leaves bloody underwear or religious artifacts on my porch, puts a gps box on my vehicle, calls and hangs up, or tries to break into the house.....I have done something to trigger it. 


Or I have failed to do something they wanted me to do. 

Today, I am exhausted. 

****

I am in love. 


I can't feel anything unless I focus on how much I love my friend. 


I am thinking about leaving him.  Last Friday night, I had a little too much to drink and kicked a fireplace.  Ever the gentleman, he gave me a warm bed to sleep in.  As I lay in his bed, with a broken toe, thinking about how I should leave because I'm ugly, old, and fearing being so huge he'd fall in. 


I haven't used the tiny ben wa balls in awhile.  I know....I know.....I guess I can fix that worry.


I fell asleep and around 4:00 a.m. had visions of an Ifrit Djinn telling me that I left a candle burning in my bedroom and that he'd make sure it burned itself out.  He told me to stay with Steve because the spirits went through a lot of trouble to find someone I could tolerate. 


I thought that was funny.  I dream of demons telling me to love normal guys. 

I came home and found that one of my Dionysus tribute candles had burned itself out.


Sigh....


I'm going to try to sleep again tonight.  I am in severe pain. 


Someday I'll laugh over this! 


Love ya,


S.


Yes....I broke my toe.   It's a long story. 


I broke it on Friday.  It turned purple. 


Saturday, I realized I had a problem when I found a bunch of brand new hot boots on sale for $5 a pair but was in too much pain to try them on.  I had to leave them at the store. 


Yesterday, my toe was dark purple.

Today, the bottom half of it was purple but the top was bright red and swollen. 


That's probably because I keep kicking things. 


My foot tingles when I walk. 


So, this is going to get interesting. 

And I should say that Mike is helping me a little bit. 


He promised to help me fix my junk car so he could have the mini-van.  The tire was completely thread bare (the belts were exposed).  He had the tire replaced.  There is also a loose electrical wire that he promised to take care of. 


Why would a stalker care about my car?


I find this whole thing confusing and confounding. 

I wish I could prove definitively who the stalker truly was.  That way, I could put an end to it. 

I know Shannon and Doug have followed me around.  I know Doug's truck had been at my house at least twice.  I have seen Shannon watch me in public. 


Why? 


Is my ex-husband asking for their help? 


That is what is confusing me. 

Who is the enemy? 


How do I make them leave me alone? 

It's not enough to tell me to minimize it and ignore it. 


That's what I did until last year.  I ignored it. 


Look how bad things have gotten!! 


I should really consider moving somewhere they will never find me. 


New York, California, Chicago, Washington D.C.....they'd never think to find me living in a liberal haven. 


I'm seriously considering it!

Next day edit: 


My ex-husband had my car yesterday.  It wouldn't start today.  At first, I thought he had sabotaged it. 


It turns out that he did something to it but not on purpose. 


He wiggled the steering wheel in order to fit into my sardine can of a car.  This made it lock up. 

I went to a Nissan forum and looked around for information on why a key wouldn't turn and start a car.  I came across an entry from a tall guy who said this would happen every time his knee hit the steering wheel. 


He wrote that the fix was jiggling the steering wheel.  It took twenty minutes but 'lo and behold...my car finally started.


Maybe I am too hard on my ex-hubby. 


I wish I knew who was behind the stalking so I wouldn't throw out my anger at everybody. 

Birth Control Games

Today I am thankful for clarity: I am beginning to see exactly what was going on.

 

I officially lost my health insurance on January 9th due to the divorce.  I had the option of demanding that my ex pay $450 per month in COBRA to keep me on his insurance but I thought that was stupid. 

 

Instead, I had a physical and got a prescription for birth control.  I have a medical reason for taking it.  I bleed so much that it makes it hard for me to go out in public IF I don't take my medication. 

I figured that doing it this way, I would have a year to get health insurance on my own and save him a small fortune. 

 

This is what I did. 

 

Today.....today....my ex informs me that he intercepted a call from one of my providers about my birth control before the divorce was final.  I no longer have a prescription. 

I think that I am going to have to save up money to pay for a doctor's visit to get it reinstated.  I'll have to pay for it out of pocket.  I am frustrated. 

So, I spent a couple of hours trying to find out why he would do such a thing. 

 

I can only guess that he doesn't want me to see other guys.  

 

I asked him.  He swears up and down that isn't the case.

He said that my boyfriend was a good guy and that he has a lot of respect for him.  He wants me to stay with him.  That's really not any of his business but okay....I'll try to believe that. 

 

I don't know. 

 

My ex hasn't honored any part of our separation agreement.  He's spent 50% of my settlement.  He's never split the accounts with me. 

He still lives here.  He was supposed to move out on October 21st.

 

He wound up with both cars. 

 

I got myself an old beater that he promised to help with.  He was to help me repair a tire.  I would do that and give him my mini-van so he wouldn't lose his job. 

 

He hasn't had time to help me with the tire.  I'm still a sitting duck. 

 

I still spend several hours a day cleaning up after him, doing his laundry and all that. 

 

I really don't have time anymore.  I want to be his friend but he makes so many problems for me, it's easier if I quit telling him things about my life.  It's easier if I don't let him intercept phone calls.

 

My life would be easier if I quit making concessions to him. 

 

I am frustrated. 

 

Today I asked him to quit being so passive-aggressive.  I threatened to become a heck of a lot more assertive.

He said he would type up a new legal agreement asserting when he would move out and promising me alimony if I sign away my rights to the van I was awarded and the $12K he took since June. 

You know, alimony will drop off once I make a decent wage.  It's a better deal for him.  

 

***** 

 

Today I promised to take on an abusive politician. 

 

I told my ex about it.  This politician likes to abuse code enforcement.  When I piss this politician off, my Wiccan herbs come under fire. 

I told my ex that I will have to learn how to take care of the lawn this summer because I'm going to get a lot cozier with our code enforcement guy. 

 

My ex said he would still be living here and that he'd do it. 

What? 

 

He wants to live here through the summer? 

I don't think I can do that. 

 

I'm freaking out a little bit. 

 

I tried to have a heart to heart with him.  He won't tell me what he wants. 

He reminded me that he started calling me his ex and sleeping apart from me in April of 2006, shortly before the stalking got really bad.  This was when we began planning to divorce.  This is why the cops say he's my stalker; it got bad when we started talking divorce.

 

I always think it was 2007.  It really was 2006. 

I remember now.  His uncle Chuck had died.  He went to the funeral without me and spent the day with his family.  I went to high school with his cousins, so he got to hear about my high school sweetheart, who had the same name as a famous hypnotist.  He came home and started calling me his "ex, Mrs. Erickson". 

To this day, I cry when I think of that. 

I hired a divorce attorney the next day and started selling hypnosis CDs to fund the process. 

 

He started a new job in 2006 and took a massive pay cut.  I tried to save money to pay the retainer.  It was a losing game.  He lost his job a mere 18 months later and didn't find another full time job until 2012.  I couldn't file until 2013 because there were a lot of other legal issues to clear away and the lawyers advised me to wait.

I was advised to get a real job before filing.  I had tried several times but the stalking tended to cost me opportunities.  I tried to work for myself but my sister-in-law and her boyfriend started to harass the other people in the office building.  They were afraid.  So was I.

I didn't know who was doing that until last January.  When I saw pictures of my in-laws, I could point out the stalkers.  It makes me angry. 

I thought that once he was out of the house, I could work without fear of retribution.  This is not going to happen, is it? 

UGH!!!

 

This has gone on far too long. 

 

I'm tempted to hire a lawyer and ask for legal fees.  They can clean up the mess.

 

I take on powerful politicians, why do I cow down before my stalkish and controlling ex? 

 

I don't know. 

 

I thought I'd document this somewhere in case things get weirder. 

I know Mike is behind the craziness.  I'm hurting. 

Why would someone control my prescriptions? 

I'm living with the enemy. 

 

What do I do?

 

Love ya,

 

S.

Edit:


I learned NOT to trust my ex to my personal information.  The doctors are going to get my Google Voice number from now on so he can't intercept anything as long as he is in this house. 

I earned enough money today to pay for a new gyno appointment to clear up any mischeivesousness.  I just can't figure out how he'd know these things with HIPPA and all. 

Maybe he's effing with me. 

I don't know. 

I just don't want to give it any more of my time. 

Who knows? 

This is why I'm divorced. 

All this does for me is prove that I did the right thing. 


Edit after doing research:

The only thing that could have happened is that he threw out my birth control pills.  They were shipped to me from the mail order pharmacy in early January.  I never got them.


I betcha he threw them out and claimed the prescription was canceled so I wouldn't ask questions.


Ugh...

It's time for a PO Box.

Understanding Bad Sex

Today I am grateful that I finally understand the foundational underpinnings of bad sex. 

It is judgmental communication. 


I've only had a few partners in my life. 


Two of them were incredibly judgmental. 


Both of them only made love to me a handful of times.  We spent most of our times in conversation and at activities where many of the things I said and did were judged rather harshly.


They both swore they wanted to spend their lives with me. 


I couldn't do that. 

*****

I am seriously deciding between having a break-up talk with my boyfriend -or- just letting the relationship fade away. 


I can't kiss him passionately.  I can't go down on him without hearing that he doesn't like it.  I can't let go, can't fill myself with lust and can't go crazy on him. 


I feel the desire.  I start and then I stop short. 


I can start by kissing his thighs but as I get closer to the place I want to go, I remember him telling me that he doesn't like it.  I stop.  It's boring. 


I have let myself go once.  I was told that I was too noisy.  So, I started to stifle myself.  What happens is that when I start to feel incredibly beautiful, I fear getting noisy and wind up muting the feeling so I don't make noise.


For some reason, the firework feeling disappears when I am focused on being totally quite and boring.  What happens is that when I orgasm when I'm worried about my appearance or sound, it just feels like muscles squeezing. 


It is intense - but- not the same.


He has technical ability.  He is built like a double stacked mac truck.  My problem is that my feelings are stifled.


It is not fun. 


Orgasms like that make me feel alone because I can't let go and share my passion with the other person.  I want to cry.


I feel more focused on being quiet and compliant than letting go and enjoying the experience.


This makes me no longer as interested in sex. 


That, of course, kills the relationship.

*****

Yesterday, I drove my boyfriend to a political event. 


During the conversation, I mentioned that I would manage to have my situation under control.  I am a woman.  When we are angry, we can be mean.  All I need to do is get angry and I'll find a way to stop the nonsense. 


My boyfriend immediately told me that I was being harshly judgmental. In sum, he judged my judgment about myself.


At that moment, I felt the same familiar feeling of stifling my words, my sounds, and my feelings.


He did it again on the ride home when we were talking about psychology.  We were talking about how girls mature faster than boys and how many fairy tales surround that theme (e.g. Princess and the Frog). 


I guess that was judgmental against boys.


I couldn't speak another word. 


I couldn't kiss him. 


I have spent the past few hours trying to find a way to end it. 


Today I shall attend a political event alone.

*****

I want someone who will let me be me. 

I want someone who will let my bad girl out, without asking her to be quiet and inhibited for the neighbor's sake. 

I want someone who will let me try new things and go crazy. 

I want someone who won't judge me when I feel the desire to suck out every last drop. 

*****

So, I am crying today. 

I'm eating too much chocolate. 

I'm going to a political event with a bunch of conservative men.  If I want sex....I can find it.  I don't think I want it with just anybody. 

I will allow my heart to heal first.  

Love ya,


S.

My G Rating

Today I am thankful for my 'G-Rating.

Yeah.....I've been told that I have the aura of a good girl. 

I guess I look kinda innocent. 

I have this crazy, religious, good girl glow. 

I was once told that I have the look of someone with a g-rating.

Hmmmmm........
I have been trying to raise my rating to NC-17.

No matter what I do, I cannot lose that innocent good girl glow. 

Why is that? 

I truly do not know. 

I can try to make an educated guess. 

I am Pagan. 
I worship Dionysus, Aphrodite, and Eros. 

These are the gods of beauty, sex, eroticism, passion, and love.

Sex is worship. 

Indulging a fantasy is worship. 

Ignoring it is a sin. 



If I find someone I desire, I can worship him.  In effect, my idea of worship is making him an altar to a God of love.  I worship my Gods by pleasing the one chosen for me. 

The problem is when the man isn't up for the fun. 
Actually, that's not accurate.

He gets up. 

Life gets in the way.

That's my fault. 
It's more accurate to say that my past won't move on and out.  It's hard to feel sexy when the reason for seven years of celibacy asks his ex-wife where she is going at night. 


Sigh....


I am also afraid that if I let my freak flag fly, I'd scare my intended (so much so that he gives up on sex entirely....this did happen to me in my last relationship...)

I don't want to scare another man. 


I used to think I was a sex addict but I had seven years of celibacy to prove that I can live without it. 

I don't think I can do that much longer.

Here is the deal.

The more I fantasize, fuck, tease and play,

The more I worship,

The more religious I feel,

The more I look like I have a G-rating. 

With all this in mind, I have decided to get myself a tattoo. 

I want to get the word "shhhhh" tattooed on the inner side of my left index finger in such a way that should I motion for someone to keep a secret, they'll see the "shhhhh."

Why? 

Well....you see....that I am one of these people who could potentially host an orgy and do all manner of crazy things and I'd still look innocent. 

I could have an artsy glory wall, or decorate the walls in chains fashioned to look like spider webs to tie men up on so ladies can play with 'em....
I could do all manner of these things....

and NO ONE would believe me. 



I wouldn't do that anyway because I'm too stupid to cater to more than one guy at a time. 

I wouldn't be able to keep their fantasies, desires, needs, and ticklish zones separate.



I am saying that I COULD act like a whore and


NO ONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE ME. 



I secretly hope that other people would be far too busy having their own fun so much that they really and truly would not care, which is really one big perk to getting older.


People may as well keep the secret because NO ONE would believe them.  Why waste their breath??



Let me try this. 

It'll be fun! 



Love ya,


S.

Song Stuck on Repeat

Today I am thankful for the curious song stuck on repeat in my car.

Yes, I haven't quite figured out how to use the radio in my brand new crappy car.  I shoved a Rihanna CD on it.  it's stuck on this song.  

It plays over and over and over. 

The old men stare and stare and stare. 

The song is stuck in my head and plays and plays and plays

over and over in my head

in the grocery store,

in political meetings,

when I sleep by myself and start to cry,

when I am with Steve and remember that he's not fond of fellatio. 

Then I realize....

maybe.....

it's not going to work. 

I'm a little sad. 

I need someone to let me be the leopard I truly am. 

Perhaps it's not a bad thing to be alone right now. 

If I can't bring myself to the point of being a raging inferno....it's not worth it. 

I'm sad.  I'm off to cry in my bed alone. 

May Isis bring him what he needs. 

Me? 

I don't know....

Maybe I just need my bass. 

Love ya,

S.  



Intuition

Today I am thankful for my intuition.

 

 

I have to tell you....

 

 

I am not in a safe place right now. 

 

 

In fact, I fear for my life more than ever. 

 

 

I don't know if I have time to explain but I'll try. 

 

 

My ex-husband still lives here. 

 

He was supposed to move out in mid-October. 

 

I was to receive $28K to live on and get back on my feet. 

I signed away alimony due to the settlement.  The judge waived that agreement and said I had two years to ask for the money. 

I may do that.  I don't want to because I am afraid of what would happen. 

 

My ex is raiding my portion of the divorce settlement.  It is down 50% from where it was the day I filed.  It is down 33% from the day he was supposed to sign it over to me. 

He still hasn't signed it over to me.   

 

A week before we divorced, I signed my first client.  He claimed to have needed my mini-van that day.  

 

On the day we divorced and I was given the mini-van, he claimed his sports car had to go to the junkyard.  He wants the van.  I didn't learn this until the divorce was granted and after he was supposed to sign the title over to me.

I said he could have the van so he doesn't lose his job. 

 

I can see needing it to drive to work but now.....now he says he needs it to use as a trade in for a new car. 

 

Why?  It runs.  It's mine.  I'll let him have it if he needs it for his job but if he doesn't, I want it back. 

 

I bought it with money I borrowed.  I have never paid the loan back. 

We have a sixteen year old daughter who could use a decent car. 

 

I have spent the past week dealing with the fallout from his transportation issues.  I bought a crap car, so he could have my van.  He promised to help me put on a decent tire and fix a couple of issues with it.

 

It sounded like a fair trade. 

 

He won't keep his promise. 

 

The crap car is running....like crap. 

I think I'm being manipulated!

If you give someone something you need thinking it is in everyone's best interest and you find out that they lied to you about why they needed it, can you take it back? 

Is that wrong? 

Goodness, I am so darn confused!

 

*****

 

He keeps telling me that he wants me back.  He keeps talking about how my boyfriend, Steve, has everything he wants. 

 

There is something about how he paces back and forth like a caged animal when he's talking to me that is scaring the holy heck out of me.

 

If you follow this blog, you know that I'm being stalked by his sister.  He never really allowed me to have a relationship with her.  When he confronts her, I'm not allowed to be there. 

 

I doubt he ever really confronts her. 

 

Various family members of his have harassed me in the street; his maternal uncle, his gay paternal uncle, his brother-in-law, his cousin, and his sister. 

 

Some of his family members have harassed me on the phone; both of his maternal aunts, two cousins and his mother.

 

I have to wonder why.

 

They have to be doing this for him. 

 

I can't have lunch with male colleagues without having his sister watch me. 

 

Not to mention that 69K (maybe more now) of our retirement funds went missing.

 

He took twelve thousand in the past six months.  I have no clue what is in his accounts.  He won't tell me. 

 

I'm really getting afraid. 

 

I don't know if I should kick him out of the house -or- let him stay. 

 

Today I had the distinct feeling that I am probably unsafe seeing my boyfriend anymore. 

 

It sounds tough -but- the trigger is my presence around other men. 

 

I am probably safer letting my ex stay in the house. 

 

Today, while trying to talk to him about what happens next, he started acting weird.  It was like he was going on and on about how he wants me but it's not going to happen, how Steve has my heart, and that this isn't what he wants.

 

There is just something in the air that is freaking me out. 

 

Mike has to be my stalker.  His sister and other family members are helping him. 

 

It is the only thing that makes sense. 

 

It would explain why he doesn't confront them while I am around. 

 

It would explain why he never had them served with the cease and desist letter.

 

It would explain how they know where I will be at any given time. 

 

It would also explain why I caught him sitting in my mini-van outside of some of my classes. 

 

I'm scared. 

 

Maybe I have to let the bully win in order to keep the kids and myself safe. 

 

Damn....

 

I could break out the black candles but that never ends well. 

 

I'll think about it. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 



My Wish

Today I was sick.  Between writing my blog and doing voice overs, I spent some time fantasizing what I would wish for if I could have any wish granted. 

First, I want a job so I can prove the myself that I was right to refuse alimony even when pressed by the judge. 


I want something for myself, too.  I want something hot and fun.  I want something that would help me understand the man I love.


Let me explain. 

I think my love found my blog. 


He just knows stuff. 

He probably knows that he looks like my step-father.  He's the same height and build.  He has blue eyes.  He shaves his head. 

He will know that he smells like my step-father's cologne, if he sees this. 


I realized why I feel safe around him.  I met my step-father when I five years old.  I would get lost, hurt, or put in danger and this beautiful, bald fireman always managed to find me. 


When I was seven years old, he met my mother.  He told me that he decided to stay to keep me safe since he was always dropping me off anyway.


At this point, my mother had lost custody of her children.  He married her to try to win us back. 


Seven years later, he beat my mother to death in a drunken rage.  The coroner said that my mother had cocaine in her system.  I don't know about that.  My step-uncle was a prominent politician in the city.  The Coroner could have been persuaded to make things up. 


The fight started because my mother was beating me.  My mother literally bit me and drew blood because a man in the supermarket called me beautiful.  My step-father pushed her off of me.  He hit her.  He pushed her head onto a gas burner.   Her hair caught fire.  At this point, I ran out of the house and to the fire department to get help from my uncle. 


When I came back, the firemen wouldn't let me in the apartment.  I don't know what happened after my mothers hair caught fire.  All I know is that it took her three days to die. 


Up until that day, my step-father was my hero.  I still have a hard time coming to terms with what happened on that day. 


I guess I will never understand. 

I had my first panic attack that day.  I went to the emergency room in the hospital where my mother died to have my arm stitched up. 


That was the hospital Steve was in two weeks ago.  I had two panic attacks while walking through the ER en route to his room.  I visited twice and had a panic attack each time.   I was a sweaty, horrid mess when I saw him. 


He called me hot. 


He has laid off of the beautiful word.  I am forever grateful. I hate that word.  It brings a pain to me that I cannot endure. 


I wonder, sometimes, if Steve has found my blog. 


He once asked me if my nickname was Siegfred because I accidentally followed his YouTube Channel from this account.  . 


Maybe he has? 


I don't know. 


I realized, though, that this thing can be an owner's manual for an old red-headed chick. 


One of the takeaways would be to not call her beautiful while watching the Silence of the Lambs and nibbling her arm or she'll have a panic attack.

Another is that she hasn't given head to a man since 2002!  She really misses that. 


He has recently told me that he'd let me try it. 


So....hey.....


Maybe? 


I don't know. 


Admittedly, some of the things I write are way out there.  He'd know enough to know what was fiction and what was real. 


I wonder.....


Hmmmmmmmm.......


Wouldn't it be nice if all of our lovers had secret blogs?   They could be places where we could learn about their histories, their fantasies, their quirks, their desires, and all those deep, dark things they want to do to us in the middle of the night.


It would be like a lover's manual! 


I wish Steve would put together a secret blog for me! 


Sigh......


Hmmmmm..........


He's a web developer.  I'm a hypnotist.  I can implant the idea and watch it come to life in a very good looking website. 

Okay.....I'm gonna implant that idea the next time he's in trance! 


Oh, and for those who don't read my other blogs I have a formula for you to remember:


orgasm=high suggestibility

Sigh......




May your fondest wish come true, too. 




Love ya,


S.

Edit after visiting Steve's Facebook page:

Nevermind.  I can't understand what that guy writes on his Facebook page.  It is completley out of my experience.  I don't get it.  I wouldn't understand anything he writes in a blog. 

I am being completely and utterly serious here. 

If he writes about handcuffs and I take it the wrong way, he could wind up with PTSD. 

Nevermind. 

Not interested. 

It was a completely stupid idea. 

Until I can understand him, I can't go there. 

I may even have to reconsider the relationship. 

Yeah......maybe a blog wouldn't help me understand what he wants as much as I thought it would.  

Time....time with someone is the only way I will learn what I need to know. 

Sigh....

Digging My Way Out

Today I am thankful that I am digging my way out of a hole.

I am still not happy. 

The divorce agreement will not be honored. 

That's okay. 

I went crying to my sister-aunt.  She's the kid I was raised with when my grandmother stole me from my mother and father.  We act like sisters. 

Her advice was to suck it up....

She told me to buy a shitty car to ride around in until I can get a decent one.  

So, I did. 

I am now the proud owner of a super old and ugly Nissan that has a blue book value of $2,300.  I got it for $1,500. 

A neighborhood mechanic owned it.  It has about six months before the bearings in the front tire go bad.  He gave me the bearings.  I also need a tire.  He welcomed me to call him if the car started acting funny. 

I have six months to get my shit together.  He thinks the car can last three more years.  I trust the mechanic. 

I can now look for a job. 

 

****

 

I am at a loss as far as what to do. 

 

 

After the judge ruled our divorce final, Mike told me that now we can get remarried with a pre-nup to prevent him from robbing me blind.

 

But....but....but.....

 

 

uh....I am in love with another man. 

 

 

I am hurt and confused. 

 

 

I am so bad at breaking up. 

 

 

I've only done it three times in my life.  I think I've only done it three times.  Maybe I've only done it twice.  Maybe I've done it four times. 

 

I don't know....

 

hmmmmmmm....

 

*****

 

 

Thomas was the worst.  I remember.  He left me so I could go to college.  There were days after our relationship ended when he would approach me with tears in his eyes.  It was like a dagger in my heart.  I hated that.  

Now, I am a Libertarian.  He's a California boy.  I guess that means I'm pond scum.  He was the first person I told about running for office.  He took off like a bat out of hell!  I literally never saw him again. 

Thomas used to laugh at Mike's car when I drove it.  I used to freak out at Mike's car.  Mike was well over 500 pounds and broke the seat.  He held it up with bricks.  I was so scared of that car, that I would give up my mini-van on the days Mike had the kids, so no one would get hit in the head with a brick when he stopped for red-light cameras. 

Besides, I'm pretty sure that Thomas would take one look at my Nissan and run off laughing!!! 

Oh, well....old cars have character! 

*****

Ross tried to kill me.  It wasn't too hard to keep him away.  He was a little creepy.  He never approached me, he just damaged my car on the days I was court ordered to testify against him.  Worse, his lawyer would find me to threaten me.  I had the last laugh. 

I legally changed my name to Rio and ignored the judges dictate to publish my name in the paper.  Ross hates the song.  He hates the city. That man and his lawyers never found me until I changed my name back.  

It's funny!!!  To this day, no one believes that I did that (and I was shocked the press didn't eat me alive during my campaign).  Before the internet, a woman could get away with such a trick.  I did.

That was an easy break-up.  All I had to do was change my name, change my car, change my hair, move to a new city and hide! This man broke my nose and messed up my jaw.  My face changed as it healed.  I do not look a lot like I did when I was with him. 

*****

This is my third break-up.  It's hard.  What am I doing wrong? 

Maybe this is #4.  I don't know.  I think I broke up with Steve.  I didn't mean to.  I was trying to stop his fear of being a bad boyfriend.  Get rid of the title and there is no way to be bad at it.  Right? 

I'm not sure if I broke up with him.  I just took away the boyfriend title because it made him act out of character.  It changed him.  I hated it.   Now, I am realizing that maybe the aggressive, protective, romantic, and overtly helpful guy is who Steve really is.  Maybe he was holding back until he took that title. 

I don't know.  If I broke up with Steve, I don't know if he would count as #3 or #4? 

I still love him very much, maybe more than I did the day I took his title away.  We don't act like we've broken up.  So, I guess that does not count. 

On the other hand, Michael and I do not act like we've broken up.  We've lived like roommates since 2006.  We are still doing that.  It's bizarre. 

YIKES!!! 

Mike should be my third break-up.  He's been talking divorce since 2000!  Somehow, I don't think he thinks we are over. 

So, how does one break up with an ex-husband?  I thought finalizing the divorce would do the trick.

Now...I don't know. 

I try telling him what I want. 

It's no good. 

I'm going to meditate on this. 

I miss sex. 

I am in love. 

My love is hot. 

The goddess sends me the perfect guy but I don't know how I can be with him. 

I'll find a solution. 

I am trying to update on this mess just in case something creepy happens. 

I thought things would be more clear by now. 

They are just more muddled than before. 

I am praying for clarity. 

Love ya,

S. 

The Single Life

Today I am thankful that I am officially single. 

The decree was issued on Thursday.  Mike sat at the courthouse telling me he wanted me back.  

The judge asked me I the agreement was fair.  It is NOT.  Mike gave me everything that he hadn't looted. 

The judge didn't like the fact I waived alimony.  I have up to two years to file a claim if I so choose.

We were divorced. 

The moment I got home, Mike told me that his sports car needed a new engine and that he was going to have it junked.  He needed a car to get to work. 

You know, I shouldn't care.  I should have boundaries.  I gave him my mini-van so he wouldn't lose his job. 

I spent the weekend looking for a car. 

According to the divorce agreement, I get an IRA that was worth $32K the day we filed.  He's been raiding that to fix his car and for living expenses.  I can't get mad. 

I went to the bank and it is only worth 18K today. 

I am not going to get angry. 

The bank won't put it in my name unless he withdrawals the money and takes the tax penalty.  That is not how it works.  They are supposed to transfer the ownership to save him the penalty. 

I cannot access that money. 

I am NOT going to get angry. 

I can't get a firm reply about when he is going to move out. 

I asked him if he wants to write up a new agreement with benchmarks and time lines so I know what to expect.  He said he would.  He hasn't. 

I am NOT GOING TO GET ANGRY. 

Steve is talking about how awkward it is for him that my ex still lives here.  I asked him if he wanted me to back off.  He says no but I don't see another option. 

I am NOT going to cry. 

Please pray for me.  Maybe I shouldn't care about my ex as much as I do.  I just don't see how it serves our children to throw him out on the street without a vehicle. 

I don't know. 

I pray something moves soon. 

Love ya,

S. 

 

Enchanted Items

Today I am thankful for the crazy experiences that I have with my enchanted items. 

In 2007, I was given a box of creepy things left behind by a deceased Irish witch.  She willed a box of jewelry and three scary looking dolls to her niece.  It creeped the young lady out and she gave everything to me. 


The old woman left detailed notes on the objects. 


One was said to be a djinn in a 1920's era marcasite necklace.  I tried to connect with it and it promptly broke.

Another object in the box is a gold ring.  It was said to contain a fairy.  Her name is Merida. 


I had a dream of her today but will give the back story before telling you of the dream.  I'm not saying she is real but she is an entity that is real to my subconscious mind.

*****

I went to a mediator today who told me that my separation agreement was illegal.  She warned me to continue the divorce by asking for a new hearing date or risk losing everything. 

Why wouldn't the lawyer I hired to mediate the agreement tell me that?

It doesn't make sense. 

I came home with a splitting headache.  The thought of continued stalking and harassment weighed heavily on me. 


I don't know what to do. 


There are other things going on.  I started working again yesterday.  Mike's car allegedly broke down, so I had to stop what I was doing to pick up the kids.

It never ends.  Every time I get work, his car breaks down and I have to stop whatever I am doing to pick up Mike's stuff.   How can I get a job when I'm stuck here messing around with the same transportation issues we've had since 1992?  If his car isn't running, he'll need mine. 

How do I break out of this cycle so long as he lives here? 

I need to ask the djinn for a car. 

Okay, I need to ask a mechanic to help me find a car. 




Hey, it's worth a shot.

I need to do something. 

 

*****

I came home from my meeting with the mediator.  Mike was here.  I went to bed to get rid of my headache.


I closed my eyes and hallucinated a bunch of beautiful ribbons and a fairy dressed in green with a glowing wand.  She comes to me in dreams about twice a year.  I dream of Merida when I am sad or freaked out.  In the dreams, she sprinkles gold dust on me and I brainstorm solutions to my problems with her.

I find comfort in those dreams. 

Merida came to me in a dream today.  She was offended and demanded an offering of nine dimes. 


Okay....nine dimes, I can do that. 


I am to throw the dimes in the front yard.  Okay.....maybe some kid will need milk money and walk by the yard and find the dimes.  That's usually how my magick works.  I throw money outside and someone who needs it tends to find it. 


In the dream, Merida said I would break up with my best friend if I did not do so. 


I agreed in my dream.


It's only ninety cents. 

I awoke. 


I went to Facebook. 


My best friend referred to gay people as fairies!! 

He didn't say that exactly.  He said something about gay people and fairies needing social approval; it was a piss poor joke about the gay marriage debate. 

That is one issue I had to talk about a lot when I ran for office.  Marriage licenses came about due to racism.  I am seriously considering a run for the state house.  I'll get to talk about that again if I decide to run.  I'd prefer that marriages be the domain of religious entities, not the government.

My friend is of Scottish descent.  For a Scottish dude, he doesn't know a lot about the cultural beliefs about the luck fairies bring.  They don't need approval....seriously. 



Now, I don't know what offends me most.  First, I'm an Irish witch!!!  We are superstitious about fairies!!! 

We don't pair them with the sexual preferences of humans.  Unless one deals with succubi or incubi, it is bizarre to think about the sex lives of metaphorical entities. 

Second, my daughter is bi-sexual.  This is strike two for Steve.  He once referred to homosexuality as a perversion.  Now, he's calling homosexuals fairies.  Ugh!!! 


A perversion is tying a man up, dripping honey over his naked body and sucking it off until I milk him with my mouth.....I like perversions. 

Why are the well hung guys so insane? 
Maybe it is because their blood has further to travel from their brain?
I don't know. 

*****

I don't know......why am I in a hurry to fix my mess when this is the bullshit that awaits?

I just want the stalking to end and to be able to hold a job! 

That's it!!! 

Love won't work if the other person is making fun of my cultural beliefs and the sexual orientation of my children. 


I could love you more than anyone else in the world but if I cannot stand you, it won't work. 

I'm going to lay low for the next couple of days.  I am feeling doubtful that I will be divorced anytime soon. 

I'm very sad now. 

Love ya,


S. 

Documentation About My Crazy Life

Today I am thankful that I have a place to document my crazy life. 

Okay....I have the flu, so please bear with me. 

I left you hanging when I expressed concerns about my relationship with Steve and suggested breaking things off.

I'm exhausted, so you get the short and sweet version. 

I've been having nightmares that my kids are going to get murdered. 

I've been running to the shrink twice a week to discuss why I'm freaking out.  Long story short, my ex is being incredibly, scary, and freakishly 'nice.'  I catch him staring off into space quite frequently.  The last time he did that, the stalking picked up, and 90% of our retirement accounts went missing.

I am terrified but I cannot express exactly why. 

Earlier this week, Steve went to the hospital.  I do not have the heart to break up with a guy when he is violently ill.  Either Steve is good at gas-lighting or he wrote me a series of nonsensical emails when he was feverish.  I'm not sure yet as I haven't had a chance to feel the situation out.

I pretty much pegged his mother as having some kind of cluster B personality issue because she's incredibly controlling.    I KNEW he'd be alone.  Cluster Bs only do things that give them fame or control.  They don't do things out of empathy.

He was alone.  I knew I wouldn't meet his mother at the hospital. 

I visited with him twice.  I stayed well past visiting hours.  I left when I had to go to the dentist.  I stayed as long as I could as a friend. 

I smuggled fake cigarettes into the hospital. 

Yes, I am aware that sounds incredibly sinful but I am not a Christian.  I am a follower of Dionysus.  There is nothing wrong with helping indulge a craving.  It's not like I bought him real cigarettes and tried to kill him with nicotine. 

I went two weeks without being alone with Steve. 

Steve broke my heart last week.  My ex (Mike) found me crying.  He'd been buying ice cream (not knowing that I am allergic to it) and was trying to help me feel better. 

Then, I got sick. 

I do not know my status with Steve.  I am unclear where Mike thinks he stands with me.  I've spent the good chunk of the past week in my bedroom shivering and sweating due to the flu. 

Friday.....I was at my worst yesterday.  The kids told my ex that I was sick.  He came home early to beg me to go to my bedroom and rest.  I was violently shaking. 

He promised to take care of the kids. 

He promised to buy them dinner. 

I started to go upstairs and there was a knock at the door. 

It was STEVE! 

Oh....no....

Steve didn't want to come in.  I insisted on visiting with him to figure out why he was here.  He walked to the house, so I gave him a ride to the class we usually take together on Fridays. 

I was hallucinating. 

I was seeing spots. 

I was vacillating between chills and sweating. 

I wasn't wearing make-up. 

I wasn't wearing deodorant.

I smelled like a sewer. 

He said I was pretty. 

I was confused but at least he thought I was pretty. 

Maybe he wanted to see if Mike and I were still living together, or intimate, or whether or not Mike knew who he was. 

Mike knew. 

Mike was angry.

He said wasn't angry that Steve visited the house.  He claimed that he was angry that I left the house in the condition I was in. 

So.....today has been interesting. 

If I had a nickel for every time my ex said certain phrases, I wouldn't be worried about my financial future.

"WE ARE UNEQUIVOCALLY OVER!"

"WE HAVE TO DIVORCE."

"I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU." 

"YOU NEED TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT."

"I'll ALWAYS WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH YOU.*"

* Now, according to the religion I was raised in, I can only have one sexual partner at a time and I cannot go back to anyone that I had been with previously.  According to my religious tradition, I can never have sex with Michael again. 

This is a bastardized combination of Paganism and Christianity that I learned from my Step-father.  I don't know what it would take to overcome that. 

I can't eff any of my exes (no matter how hot they look in their kilts).

Mike knows that. 

He has also been listening into my telephone conversations because he's quoting some of the things I say. 

He knows about Steve and I.  He's quoted some of the things I've said to Steve.

Sigh.....

Mike has also admitted to doing things to hold me back and keep me from working. 

Yes, he is my stalker.  He still says his sister is stalking me of her own volition but I am not so sure of that anymore.

I'm a little scared. 

It's probably nothing. 

The divorce will be final in five days. 

I am praying that I can find a job that Mike won't know about.  I really am tired of the stalking. 

Wish me luck. 

Love ya,

S.