Is a Narcissistic Fall a Mental Health Issue?

This song is an excellent description of a narcissist. 

Today I am thankful for discoveries....

even if they make me feel paranoid.

I think I need to move.


I've been working a crazy temp job.  It features long hours and low pay.  The commute is long, so I'm gone about 10.5 hours each day.

A single mom not receiving child support has to do what a single parent in that situation is supposed to do.

Work hard.

What I've been doing is washing my clothes every seven days and wearing the same outfits over and over.

I don't use my favorite clothes for this job.

I store my nice underthings in a box under my bed.  I haven't even tried dating for over three years, so I just keep them in a box.  If I wear ugly undies...the worst thing that can happen is that I visit the Emergency Room.  It's happened twice in three months!

I keep my underwear in a green stripped box.

Yesterday I found them in a floral box.

I did not put them there.

A houseguest may have done that.

My kiddos may have done that.

I did not.

I started to write it off as a fluke.

******

My garage door opener doesn't work unless I click it twice.

I need a new garage door opener.

I was told that some stalkers plant devices on property that steals the first code during the first click.  When you click the second time, it will release the first code opening the door and then save the second code so they can get into your home.

I don't know if this is going on.  It is unnerving.

*******
It gets worse.

Someone requested a new password on my Twitter account on Tuesday.

Someone tried to hack into my Groupon Business Account this morning.

My underwear......

my underwear was moved.

This brings to mind the incident when I found bloody underwear on the back porch in 2012.

This is never going to end, is it? *1

*****

I am realizing that all those therapists who diagnosed my ex as a narcissist are right.

I didn't want to believe it.

There is so much drama.

Yes, drama is a fact of life.  I lost my job, I found others.

I've lost my health insurance, yet I have scary high blood pressure.  I may have a job with my favorite insurer that has great benefits.

My daughter ran up a huge bill with a community college (due to their illegal violations of the ADA and game of dropping students from classes the day after the drop deadline....I'll work on that...people that get tax dollars get can get big heads and break laws....I see it too much....far too much). 

I was able to get a 0% interest credit card to help her pay it off.

We can always work through drama. 

We just have to try.

There is always drama with Michael.

He doesn't know that I've running a risk of a heart attack.

I didn't tell him.

I don't talk about my life.

I did tell him that I want to help gut CO-PEP's funding because I feel they are behaving unethically.

I didn't talk about myself.

When I get away, there is always some type of drama.

If I help, it is never enough.

When he refused to fix the timing belt on his car and the engine seized, I gave him my mini-van which I am still paying for.

When he lost his job, I paid for his insurance and gas so he could continue to look for work.

When he got a job selling insurance, I helped him with his business trips.

He was angry when I asked him to leave.  He needed to leave because the stalking was (and still is) scaring the heck out of me.

If I'm not helping him, I am hurting him.

There is always some drama.  I the past year, I have spent 30% of my income on legal fees (to the tune of over $10,000) just to get him out of the house and understand why he can't pay child support.

I didn't want to hire a lawyer to understand the child support. The State of Colorado demanded that I hire one before they spoke to me.

Even then, they didn't give me adequate information.  It cost me $3,650 to learn that my ex was in rehabilitation.

Now, the State of Colorado child support services (CO-PEP) claims my ex doesn't have clothing and that they have to provide it.

Imagine my anger when my ex asked me to pay the rent on the storage unit where he stores his clothes, the TV he gave to the kids, money my auntie gave him and all sorts of other things.

He also wanted to store more stuff at my house.  I don't want him here because I'm scared of his family.  If his stuff is here, it'll give him an excuse to hang around.  I'm tired.

I don't know.

I do know that I've been yelled at for trying to help.  If I tell him about a job, he typically yells.  When I asked him to leave, he'd scream and yell.  If I didn't give him my vehicle, he'd sulk.

If I didn't do what he wanted, he'd run to his family and they'd start harassing me.

This child support crap and demand for money is just more drama.

It's disgusting how the state has made my abuser out to be my victim.

I've stopped responding to his emails.

He is only supposed to write if he wants to see the kids.

Boundaries mean nothing to a narcissist.

Now, if you want to know why I want to take down CO-PEP, I'll tell you.

They promised to help me find a job - they don't do that.

They asked for all of my information.  I told them he had a stalking issue and they shared it with my stalker.  Thank goodness I only work temp jobs.

The thing that got to me the most is that he has three lawyers, one of whom made a court filing just to chastise me for taking care of our nineteen year old who is still in college.

That is a disgusting waste of taxpayer dollars.  Not only that, it is incredibly irresponsible to set a kid of that age out on her own without any truly marketable skills.  That is setting her up for a life on welfare!

Maybe that is what they want.

CO-PEP wanted to know where my money went and how many adults and children lived in my home.  There are two adults.  Now understand......I cannot date nor can I leave the impression that I am living with a man because that would just stoke the stalking again.  I HAD to divulge that the other adult was our 19 year old daughter.

That is why the lawyer wasted taxpayer funds chastising me for being responsible and financially supporting our daughter.  Parenting isn't like a glass slipper.  It doesn't end at midnight on a child's 19th birthday.

These alleged social workers have no clue about domestic violence and/or stalking.  If they did, they'd behave differently.

I sincerely wish that CO-PEP is defunded. CO-PEP is a five year experiment.  I hope their game is up in 2018.   Their sole purpose appears to make abusers out to be victims.  I thought it was created to help uneducated men or men who couldn't get jobs.   You know, the young man stuck at McDonalds or the guy recently released from prison....not the college educated accountant with gobs of auditing experience.

Accounting and auditing jobs are not that hard to find.

I think Michael asked for money because I gave him a message left for him by a recruiter.  It's my fault.  I tried to help him by passing on a job lead and he took it as an invitation to ask for money.

I can't help him anymore.

I don't like government human service departments that cannot grasp the simplest family psychology concepts.  That's how abusers game the system.  This is true in any type of family law situation.

I never did.  That's probably due to my experiences fighting the foster care system to get my baby sister out of a sexually exploitive Florida foster home.  That was my first fight.

I met the Lt. Governor that year.

I was born to play bass badly and fight.  It has to be the reason I'm still on this damn planet.  Playing bass badly gave me experience tolerating being booed by a crowd.  I'm joking....a little.  I've been booed talking about the Libertarian philosophy towards immigration.

It's socially liberal and quite unpopular in conservative crowds.

I was probably born to be some type of public speaker, activist brat.

I wasn't born to play doormat to an abusive idiot.

I need to stop giving Michael my time and energy.  Colorado beaurocrats have bought into the idea that he is a victim.

He is not. He is playing a role.

He did this with alimony (which is why he never had to pay).  The judge asked that we mediate it within two years.  When it was time to mediate it, my ex refused to cooperate.

This is exactly what will happen with child support.  I (nor my children) will NEVER see a dime thanks to CO-PEP.  In fact, I got an email to that effect that September.  I was told that he didn't have to cooperate with my lawyer because CO-PEP knew where he was.

Um.....no!

I am debating checking in with DORA to see if the facility he is allegedly in is licensed as a rehabilitation center for depression and alcohol addiction.  This is too weird to me.

They claim to be a religious organization.  Perhaps they are using the pastoral exemption.

If that is the case, the fix would be to only allow licensed facilities to impact legal responsibilities such as child support.

Narcissists also piss so many people off that they can't keep jobs, friendships or relationships.  When they fall, they fall hard and lose everything.

Narcissism isn't a mental health issues.  It is a learned pattern of behavior that is hard to extinguish because these people have learned to get what they want acting like assholes. This is why insurance companies don't cover treatment for narcissism.  It's a personality disorder.  It is fixed.  It is nearly impossible to change.

Narcissistic falls occur when people get sick of the narcissist's crap and leave him or her alone.  Is the depression (or pretend depression) caused by a Narcissistic fall a mental health issue?

I don't know.

Maybe?

I don't think it'll change anything.

My ex is a victim.

He is not taking responsibility for anything.

He could just be pretending to be depressed to shirk his responsibilities.  He wrote to me that he wouldn't stay in the program very long.  I'm thinking it's just to drop child support.

We'll see.....

Michael shouldn't get any more attention.

In my mind, I've already lost.  The kids and I will never see a dime.  There is no point in having an attorney because manipulative men always win.

My hobby is fighting big government.

I need to get back into that.

A new organization has made my sh!t list.

Love ya lots,

S.

*1 - Edit 11/26/2017 - Someone is requesting the password to my Facebook account now.  I do think I'm being targeted.  Darn it, I thought Michael being in rehab would stop it.  I guess not.

The latest hack attempt took place at 6:22 MST on Sunday evening.  The hacker is using old email addresses for my business account that I haven't used in over two years.

I'm glad I changed everything up when Michael moved out.

A Good Boss Fired

Today I am thankful that I met my former boss....

and I understand the saying that people stay or leave jobs due to their bosses. 

I wrote earlier about how my boss was a sales wiz and that he promised to teach me how to create a sense of urgency to sell.

I sell Medicare Advantage plans.

He did a good job.....but....his bosses expect him too pressure seniors to buy plans that were unfit for them.

In fact, because they only count the number of enrollments, we are pressured to re-enroll people into the same plan they already have.

I refuse to do this.

As a result, my numbers suck.

We are not allowed to transfer current members to customer service.  I spend most of my day playing the role of customer service agent.

I get in trouble for not selling to current members happy with their plans.

This is why I am looking for a new job.

My new job, should I pass the background check, will start December 4th and be with the ethical company that I previously represented as a Medicare Sales rep.

I was planning on fulfilling my commitment to this horrible company and staying through the Medicare open enrollment season.

Now, that they fired my boss and his assistant, I'm reconsidering.

It was a sad day.

The time clocks were not working so I have questions as to whether or not I will be paid for working 9 hours today.

It's stressful.

My blood pressure is through the roof.

I have a very old Fitbit that I'm going to wear to keep an eye on my blood pressure.

I betcha I'll have a prescription for Lisinopril in the very near future.  I can't believe my blood pressure is hovering around 164/122.

That is scary.

I'm pushing a heart attack.

Typically the Kombucha I make drops my blood pressure.  It is not working.  I'll have to try something else.

I'm eating baby aspirin like candy and it's doing nothing except making me sick to my stomach.

I'd best take care of it soon.

Please stay away from people who abuse you, don't let abusive government beaurocrats harass you into accepting an unfair financial deal so that they can justify their existence and....above all....do not take jobs that you are ill equipped to complete.

If someone offers you a job and switches the role and hours - it's okay to find another job and quit.

I will do my best not to trash this company on Glassdoor.  They are absolutely horrible.  I read reviews that expressed attitudes similar to mine.  Next time, I am going to read the reviews on Indeed and Glassdoor prior to accepting a job.

The worst part is that I learned they are paying Hispanic people and people over the age of 55 40% less than I.  I'm sickened.  I really and truly am sickened.

I'll have to reflect on what I did to draw dishonest asshats into my world.  I'd bet it is because I don't stick up for myself enough.

Please assert yourself.  Just don't trample others.  You are priceless - so is everybody else.

Love ya lots,

S.

Fun Dream and Bad Day

Today I am thankful for a fun dream.

Right before waking up, I had a dream of a very old friend kissing a beautiful blond before jumping out of an airplane with her.

That was nice.

For once, I had a dream of an old friend that wasn't a nightmare.

That was appreciated.

I think I had that dream because today is his birthday.

What a nice start to the day.

My day didn't stay nice.

*******
My new employer wanted copies of all of my tax records for the past ten years.  They asked that I order my wage and income statements directly from the IRS.

I received them today.

I can see when my ex raided part of the 401Ks.  Some of it wasn't accounted for, so I don't know what to think about that.

Sadly, my new employer is going to think that I can't manage money.

Don't stay married to financial idiots, the fallout can last for years.

******
I just got news that the auntie who raised me after my mother died has a terminal illness.  I don't know if I can talk or write about it right now, my feelings are still raw.

She seems to be in shock.

The job that I was offered is at her doctor's office, so maybe I can be there for her on some level.

I'll bug her more often to offer help.

She is only twenty years older than I.

This is breaking my heart.

This will be the last Thanksgiving.  I won't be able to spend the day with her.

Hopefully we can make Christmas extra special for her.

Love ya lots,

S.

A Long Talk with an Old Friend

Today I am thankful for friendship.

In a post hidden from my kiddos, I asked my Facebook buddies if they'd ever been in the shocking position of having someone they knew for a long-time be an alcoholic -

and then deny being in a 18-27 month alcohol treatment program for alcoholism by stating they are only depressed.

It only took me a day to realize that my ex-husband meant that he was BOTH depressed and alcoholic.

I'm angry.

I WILL never trust him again.

I am refusing to read the emails he's sending.  He wants me to pass messages on to the kids for him.

He can text them.

I'm tired of the crap.

I will probably cave to CO-PEP's demands that I lower his child support and give him a 18-27 month grace period so he doesn't have to pay it.

IF HE SO MUCH AS DROPS OUT PRIOR TO THAT 18 MONTHS AND REFUSE TO MODIFY BACK TO AN APPROPRIATE LEVEL, I WILL COME AFTER THAT AGENCY LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.

HOW MANY OTHER SINGLE PARENTS GET SCREWED AROUND BY THIS AGENCY?

HOW MANY OF THEM ARE WORKING TWO JOBS AT MINIMUM WAGE?

This department is an abomination.

It needs stopped....NOW!

That is the game, isn't it?

Dishonest custodial parents lower child support due to a voluntary stint at rehab and then leave and go back to making good money without telling anyone.

That's the game.

It's the same game as being an accountant, leaving that gig and taking a 6 week job at a call center.

When Child Support asks for proof of income, do you want to take a wild guess at what paycheck stubs he shares?

Yeah, that'll be the $12 an hour one not the $25 per hour one.

I don't think we should allow the government to meddle in private contracts.  I certainly don't think the government should be enabling deadbeats.

I could understand if he had SSDI.  He doesn't.

He's lost my help.

I will never trust an alcoholic that doesn't fess up to his illness.

I am honestly, quite surprised, his seizure disorder didn't kill him.

Maybe his neurologist lied when he said alcohol would kill him.

I don't know.

Someone is lying....be it the State of Colorado, my ex or the Denver Rescue Mission.

Someone IS lying.

I'm pretty sure I know who it is.

I'm pretty sure his name is Michael.

He is my ex-husband.

He is my stalker.

The emails are a way for him to get back into the house and refuse to leave.

I'm not going to fall for that again.

*****************

I grew up with a young man named Patrick.  He lived a block away.  He is just a few weeks younger than I.

When I was fourteen, I told him we'd never date because I was too old for him.  He recently confessed to being jealous of my first love because they are the same age!

Patrick and I are both Irish.  We both have naturally very dark auburn hair.  It looks brown but if you walk us in the sun, it glows like a copper penny.

We both have translucent skin.

We both grew up to be political activists.

He saw my messages yesterday.

He saw that I was working at a call center job and looking for a second legitimate job to make ends meet.

He was able to put two and two together because I've never received child support.

I never will now....stupid State of Colorado.  When you reward a deadbeat, you teach him not to be responsible.  The next time I hear from him, it'll be because he wants more money or to drop more of his support.

Mark my words....

Patrick said he'd seen enough over the years and he wanted to let me know what my ex was trying to do.

The stalking is meant to scare me so Michael can have control of my life.  It is meant to disrupt my job (so I'm dependent upon him for money which happened in the past).

It is meant to keep me from dating so I'll be available for him.

The request to store his stuff at my home is so he has keys and can come and go at will (which is how I got stuck with him living here in the first place after the divorce).

The State of Colorado claims he has nothing.  He has stuff.  They just don't know about it.  I'm trying to be nice.  He told me to sell his football card collection.  I was saving it for him.

Maybe I should sell it to pay the legal fees he and CO-PEP caused me to run up.  CO-PEP wouldn't talk to me unless I hired a lawyer.  I'm about $3,700.00 in the hole now.

I also gained insight into the mind of an alcoholic.  They lie.  They are in denial of their addiction.

Yes, I know that.

They will either hide it from work or their family.

Mike must've hidden it from me.

Holy crap, he has become like his father.

All those years, he pretended to go to therapy and sat around McDonalds eating.  I found out when I never received bills from his psychiatrist - I'd only find corresponding debits from McDonalds.

All those years I tried to help him.  I paid for weight loss doctors.  I paid for all sorts of things to help him get ahead even after the divorce.

All that kindness was wasted.

I learned something - as harsh as it sounds, I am learning not to waste any more kindness on the homeless.

Many of them are choosing this lifestyle and they are 'effing people up in the process.  My ex had 18 months to look for a job while staying at my home, using my wifi, my paper, my resources.  I'd do his laundry and try to help him.

He refused to listen when I had job leads for him.

I'm done helping.

I know that sounds tough -but- unless it's a child crying out for a blanket, I'm not helping.

My ex ruined it.

CO-PEP ruined it.

The Denver Rescue Mission ruined it.  I have been talking to activists who think there is some type of work scam going on there.  I need to do more research but I can't get anyone to answer my question.

The theory is that someone is making money off of the labor of these men.  They only pay them $1 a week.  I'd like to know who has what contract with whom.

Something is fishy.

*******
Patrick gave me a handmade wooden angel when I was fourteen years old.  I held on to it all these years.  I held it when my father died.  I kept it with me when I was recovering from the rape.  I held onto it when I was recovering from the subdural hematoma during the beatings I had endured when I was younger.  That angel is barley hanging on by a thread.  I wore her out.

He told me he'd make me another one.

I hope he didn't hear me crying.

I don't know if I want to share too much of my four hour conversation with Patrick.  I just realized if I shared it, I'd betray him.

My friend told me secrets.

We prayed for each other.

He invited me to the high school reunion.

I sure hope his wife goes.

I shouldn't ever take her place.

Maybe if they both come out to Denver, I'll make them dinner or something.

I sure wish that Michael hadn't trashed my basement, otherwise I'd let them stay here.

I think that is the reason she doesn't want to go -

she doesn't want to spend money on a hotel.

Her husband is such an old friend- he's practically family.

I wish I could get my crap together so I could be a hostess to those I love and care about.

*********
I can see how things are going to play out.

Michael will get his support reduced.  He'll hide and get a job off the books.

I'll never see a dime.

I blame CO-PEP.  I just have to find other custodial parents messed up by a dysfucktional system.

*******
Now, this is weird.

I'm going to tell you what happened today.

Michael is allegedly in a rehab program for alcoholics and cannot leave.

Someone knocked on our back door twice this afternoon.  Now we have a 6' security fence.  It is locked.  How in the heck did they get into the yard?

They came around front and knocked on the front door.

I'm terrified for the girls.

In the past, when Michael had business trips or away at work, his family members would show up at the house and hassle me.

They'd block me in the driveway.

They'd start fires on the front porch.

They'd come at me head-on in the street and pretend to be with the insurance company.

I'd catch them breaking into the home.

I'd find bloody underwear on the back porch.

I don't think him being in rehab is going to change anything.

I wonder why he can't live with his family?

Maybe he knows that being in rehab will relieve him of his responsibilities?

It seems that way, doesn't it.

He's not a nice guy.

Men like that finish last because people cease to trust them.

*******
I'm trying to let the words my friend said soak in.

It's hard to imagine I was so damn stupid.

I know, now, that the stalking isn't over.

I am terrified about it.

I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life.

I have a great job opportunity.  I'm just waiting for the background check to come back.  It pays less than I make now but the company won't ask me to break the law.

I am looking to get a loan to fix up the house.  If the stalking doesn't stop, I'm going to court to ask to move from Colorado.  I need be able to work at my chosen occupation.  If Mike is truly in rehab for 1-3 years, and his family leaves me alone, I could go back to hypnosis.

But - after what happened today....I don't think that will happen in Colorado.

******

May you find comfort in your friends when the time comes.

May you be the comfort your friends need when they are down.

Love ya,

S.

CO-PEP is Encouraging Abuse

Today I am thankful that I know people fighting bad government.

Yesterday, I received an email claiming my ex was an alcoholic and demanding that I allow him to permanently reduce his child support and absolve him of any responsibility to carry health insurance on the kids.  The reason for this, I was told, is that he is in an inpatient drug and alcoholic rehabilitation program sponsored by the Denver Rescue Mission.

I was also told that he would be there for a minimum of 18 months and only make $6 per week, so he can't pay child support.  I was told that he would possibly be there as long as 27 months.  For this reason, the lowering of his support would be permanent.

He would not be allowed to visit the children.

I wish he were not allowed to contact me.

In court filings, the Colorado Child Support Services division gave him the bright idea of avoiding child support for 18 months by entering this program.

They provided my ex with three lawyers to fight me.  The taxpayers pay for this.

Okay.....I agree.

They win. 

The kids won't get help from him.  He is absolved from helping. 

At least, they'll win this battle.

We the people will win the bigger war.

Guess what??!!

My ex wrote me today to ask for money and access to my home to store his stuff.  He claims he cannot afford the rent on his storage unit.

You know what?  Not being able to afford rent is a natural consequence of refusing to work so that one can lower child support.

A divorce is the natural consequence of stalking and financial abuse.

An ex unwilling to help you is a natural consequence of taking advantage of her with lies.

I'm incredibly angry.

I cannot believe the State of Colorado set me up like this.  They put a non-alcoholic into an alcoholic inpatient program, claiming that he had to take urine tests daily to prove he has stopped drinking due to his placement in an alcoholic rehabilitation program.  Someone at the Denver Rescue Mission wrote that letter.  It was submitted to my lawyer with a request to absolve child support.

It letter makes it sound like he's drinking.

Once I agreed, my ex told me he's not an alcoholic and requested favors from me.  He claimed that they put him in the program because he's depressed.

I hate to sound rude -but - so what?

I'm not depressed?

The kids aren't depressed?

Stalking and financial abuse takes its toll, you know.

I'm taking so much medication that I've gained 40 pounds.

I still work. 

No one will help me shirk my responsibilities.  Heck, CO-PEP promised to help me find a job but they lied.  They don't help custodial parents.

They ONLY help DEADBEAT PARENTS!

So, I'm depressed and I take pills.

What else am I to do? 

I've got to keep my energy up to find that second job.

According to the State of Colorado, the only person who matters is my ex-husband.

********

Now......I've got to get my a$$ in front of someone who fights organizations like CO-PEP.

May the truth of this hideous organization come out.

Their mission is supposed to be connecting kids to the non-custodial parents.  You don't do that by lying to the custodial parent and hiding the non-custodial parent away until such time as the kids hit the age of majority.

He will miss concerts and graduations.

Don't they give a hoot about that?

Doesn't my ex care?

My kids will notice.

This will KILL his relationship with them.

CO-PEP doesn't understand that, do they?

I'm sad and confused.

I will never trust a damn word my ex says.

Just watch....the moment the judge signs off on my agreement, he'll get himself another $50,000 job and hide.

I was scammed.

CO-PEP helped.

Who in the heck puts a non-alcoholic into a 2-3 year long alcohol treatment program?

Someone who gets a kickback, I'm afraid.

I'm curious if the taxpayers are paying for his unnecessary alcohol rehabilitation stay.

I need to hunt for CAFRs and other information.  Something stinks to high heaven.

I pray their funding is gutted in 2018 and the program discontinued.

Anyone in any other organization who knowingly enables abuse should lose their government funding.  Taxpayers shouldn't pay to push single mothers onto TANF. 

They're lucky I'm libertarian.

I'd rather starve.

I hate to say it about the Denver Rescue Mission -but- it's sad they need to be reminded that it's wrong to lie.  I think that was on one of those tablets Moses brought down from the moutain.  If your department head wrote a letter claiming that my ex is an alcoholic to get him out of child support and he's not - understand....Jesus is watching that.

Lies ruin our credibility

I am literally debating going to the media.  I'd have to hide my face.  I don't want the kids finding out that their dad is a deadbeat.

I'm sure they'll figure it out on their own.

I don't think it matters what religion you are, Pagan or Christian, lies are wrong - especially when they create hardships for other people.

*******
My temporary job ends in two weeks.  I think I may have found another three month gig.  It pays less.  It's only a part-time job.

I'm also looking into delivering for Amazon between shifts.

I cannot afford to sleep.  Thanks CO-PEP!  I don't think that is what child support was designed to do.

I don't think it was designed to be a game to enable an abuser to continue to abuse the ex and kids.

It was supposed to allow custodial parents to maintain a decent standard of living for the children without working two or three jobs.

It was supposed to enable non-custodial parents to see their kids.

CO-PEP fails to understand what child support is meant for.

I hope each and every employee is polishing up his or her resume.

I'll scheme ways to pay for my kiddos AP placement tests, my needed surgery and the youngest's braces.

It's all up to me.

Thanks Colorado. 

This is why TABOR will never end - you use the money to terrorize honest people.

Love ya - love ya more when you're not working for the government anymore,

S.

How to Get out of Child Support in Colorado

Today I am thankful for what sounds like a lie....

but could, perhaps, be the truth (????). 

I was told today that my ex-husband is an alcoholic and cannot be expected to pay child support..  He has allegedly been an alcoholic so long that the State of Colorado has enrolled him into a substance abuse program with the Denver Rescue Mission that will prevent him from working for at least 18 months (maybe longer...up to 27 months).

There will be no turkey donations this year to the Denver Rescue Mission.  Well, I'll probably never donate to them again. 

I won't be able to afford them because I'm going to have to rebuild the IRA my ex stole after the kids grow up. If he paid his child support, I could afford to put 10% of my earnings into my IRA.

I can't even make the bills right now.

I was hoping to get help so I could save a little money for retirement.

I'm more angry that they are enabling a liar.

It's a deadbeat dad's world.

Liars tend to do well in court.

He's a narcissist.

He wins.

He learned the big secret: Claim to have a drug and alcohol problem and you get can get out of child support for up to 27 months in Colorado should you get into the right rehabilitation program **.

He won't have to pay child support for another 18 months.  It could go as long as 27 months.

I'm on my own......

I guess I was NOT surprised at the fact that my ex keeps finding excuses not to help.  He has excuses coming out of his ears.

I am surprised that he's an alcoholic.

The reason is that he, allegedly, sustained a head injury when his mother threw him into a coffee table at the age of two.

Allegedly.....

the neurosurgeon stated that he cannot drink a drop of alcohol or it will KILL him.

He claimed he heard this as a teenager.

When he became abusive, I feared a traumatic brain injury so I sent him to the same neurosurgeon.

In fact, I still have the MRI in the closet.

I heard the exact same thing.

Alcohol will kill my ex!

Not only that, my ex is diabetic.  Alcohol would kill him.

Time and time again, doctors congratulated him on not touching a drop of alcohol.  Alcohol would have put him at a higher risk of cardiovascular disease.  It would have destroyed him.

He did not drink in this house.

If he did, he managed to hide it from HIS DOCTORS!!

That is what I find hard to believe.  In this world of blood and urine tests, how does one hide alcoholism?

Something isn't adding up.

My ex did not like alcohol in the house.  Exceptions were to be make for ritual alcohol which was often filled with herbal offerings to ruin the taste yet appease the Gods.

I couldn't drink around him.

In restaurants and bars, we drank tea.

I do not see him as an alcoholic.

In fact, he went to Al-Anon meetings.  His dad was an alcoholic.  He wasn't.

He NEVER drank because it would kill him.

Apparently, my ex also masqueraded as a sober Pagan.

Maybe he isn't lying.  Maybe the Denver Rescue Mission took a solid health history and looked into his medical records.

Maybe he didn't drink a fifth and knock on their door one night to get sympathy.

Maybe, he's been good at lying for many, many years.

Maybe the Al-Anon meetings were a ruse?

********

Allegedly, the Denver Rescue Mission sees him as a Christian alcoholic.

That's okay.

I'll have to make due.

So, the lawyers asked me to drop everything after spending an additional $3.670 on legal fees trying to figure out why the CO-PEP wanted to lower his child support based on a call center job he held for a little over a month.

My ex is an accountant!

On the fourth request for information, we received a letter from the Denver Rescue Mission offering up the latest excuse.

It appears my ex claims to be a drunk.

The kids don't need things.  The only person who counts is my ex and, once again, irresponsibility is rewarded.

Yeah...that's how I think the legal system views non-custodial deadbeats.  They have more rights than the kids, the taxpayers and the single parents working two jobs.  It appears that even men current on their child support don't get help from the state.

Hard work doesn't mean a darn thing.

I need to find out how to make the most of the 24 hours that make up each day.

There is nothing that I can do except look for yet another job.  I just got one offer.  It is NOT going to be enough.

******
Maybe the court will let me move to an area where I can easily get a psych job that pays more.  I'd need to go to a rural area for that.

If my ex isn't going to visit the kids, maybe I should do just that.

Just watch....if I ask for something I want.  He'll fight it.  The state of Colorado is paying for his lawyers.

Why wouldn't he fight it?

I'm stuck.

I am really stuck cleaning up after my ex.....again.

*******

I'm looking for silver linings.  If I drop out of the court case, I can actively go about talking about my experience and asking lawmakers to defund a program that basically excuses the lies of deadbeat parents

and puts these people in a position where they cannot visit their kids.

My ex is forbidden from leaving the shelter building for 18 months.

This means he cannot work.

This means he cannot visit the kids.

Another one of whom will be of legal age in 18 months.

He is going to miss a graduation.

It's a shame no one can talk sense into this man.

That's okay.....

If he's telling the truth.....

he worked for a trucking company.....why didn't he fail a drug screen?

why doesn't he have a dui?

When he was fired from the city, why didn't D.P. (his boss) mention alcohol, the odor or anything that would suggest alcohol abuse?

D.P. threw everything against the wall to stick it to my ex.  If he were drinking, she'd have said something.

This isn't adding up.

It really isn't.

It seems like someone is coaching him to get out of child support.

At first, he wouldn't move because he was told it wouldn't be collectible if he still had my address.

Now, he knows that if he claims to have a drug or alcohol program, it is not collectible either.

Who is coaching him?

I guess it doesn't matter.

Eventually, the kids will be upset at the missed graduations, trips, award ceremonies and band concerts.

He will have no one to blame except himself!

*******
The only thing that makes sense is that he would leave me for weeks on end and beg to come home.

That can be the only time I can imagine him drinking.  Often, our credit cards were decimated by these events.

There were no debits from liquor stores.  Maybe he paid for the crap in cash.

I don't know.

I feel betrayed.

I will never trust this man again.  Up until today I was kind.  I forwarded job leads even if I were yelled at.  I always put in a good word for him.

I will NEVER ever help this man.  I will never give him another dime.  I will never give him a another vehicle nor will I lend him my car ever again.  I will never spot him money for auto insurance again. 

I will never help him again.

I will never trust him with anything I have.......ever.

He is on his own.

If he so much as comes to my house reeking of alcohol, I am calling the police. He can take it up with Arapahoe House.

I have zero tolerance for asshats.

If he is lying about his alcoholism, he will suffer for it.  I know he lies to get out of things.

The problem with lies is that......eventually, they become the truth.

******
This also explains the great Goddess Artemis and why she urged me to leave Michael in 2004.

I was loyal to him.

Even when men came to me urging me to leave for my safety.....

I was loyal to him.

Even when he left me for weeks at a time.....

I was loyal to him.

I was loyal to a fault.

I regret it.

May he gets what he deserves.

May the child support system STOP enabling abusers.  I'm sorry but he financially abused me.  He stalked me and destroyed my earning capacity. Colorado is continuing the financial abuse.

This isn't adding up.

He made $50,000 a year.  I've never come close to that.  When I started to make money, his relatives would come out of the woodwork and harass me.

The kids don't stop needing stuff because this guy doesn't want to work or starts to drink or whatever the heck claims to be doing now.

I still have a hard time believing that he's drinking.  I'm sure, if his neurosurgeon was right, he'd have wound up in the ER.

I can't tell if this is a game to get out of child support or he's really so stupid as to risk his health in this way.

He is a liar.  He played a similar game to get out of alimony.  I let him win.  By doing so, maybe I created a monster.

Maybe this is a deadbeat's way of winning.  Maybe this is a state agency teaching us that it needs to be put of business.

That's okay.

There is a potential bright spot.

If the Denver Rescue Mission keeps their promise to keep him locked up for 18 months, then I can go about my life free of stalking.  I get the sense that this is a voluntary rehabilitation.  That doesn't really make me feel safe because, in all reality, he can leave at any time.

There is a second bright spot.

If I decide to let my ex win, I will start squawking and sharing some legal filings from CO-PEP with my local lawmakers. 

*******

It's a shame one of my favorite lawmakers is under fire for sexually harassing women.

I mentioned the controversy to a friend. She accused me of being jealous that Mr. lawmaker never hit on me.

I'm not jealous.

The problem is that I don't believe that he would do such a thing.  He's the only lawmaker who went to bat for domestic violence and stalking victims.

It's hard to believe that someone who respects women would behave in that manner.

He won't be open to listening to me this time because he's fighting his own battle.

He's my in my prayers.

My ex lost my prayers as of this morning.  I cannot pray to help a liar.  What's the point?  How do I know that the prayers I say mean anything if he's lying about his life.

I hope he figures it out.

I've got a big enough puzzle to solve on my own.


Love ya lots,

S.

**I've interviewed another lawyer.  I learned that non-custodial parents can lower, reduce, abate and/or suspend their child support if they are lucky enough to have someone that appears to be an medical professional write a note for them claiming that they can't work.

There is a child support loophole!

I'm embarrassed to say that I took all of the drug and alcohol counseling classes up to a CAC III.  I think I would KNOW if the man I married was a drinker.  The only reason I'm not licensed is that my ex and his family were stalking me when I went to class and was in private practice.  Too many years have elapsed, so I need to start over.

I'm shocked the Rescue Mission didn't look into his medical history prior to diagnosing him.  I'm still trying to figure out if they have to be licensed to provide the psychiatric services they claim to provide.  I have NEVER heard of an 18-27 month alcohol rehab program.

I am pretty sure there is a darn good reason why I've never heard of such a long-term program.

Of course, my ex wrote to me to tell me that he wasn't an alcoholic (?).  He requested money to pay for a storage unit for the things the State of Colorado says he doesn't have (clothing, TV's...that kind of thing).  He said that he entered the program due to depression.

Um.....I don't know of any rehab programs for depression that last 18-27 months, either.  I've been searching and asking colleagues.  I get the same answer.

He's avoiding child support.

Yes, my ex is playing a game. 

The State of Colorado is enabling deadbeat dads.

CO-PEP needs defunded.

Scary Stressed but Lovingly blessed

Cyrus is a talented young lady but she's a little green when it comes to the realities of self-protection.  May she never live the horror 1 out of 4 women endure. 

Today I am thankful that the universe heard me. 

My favorite healthcare company in the world had a recruiter call me about a job.

Isn't that fun?

I haven't even applied.

The interview was easy.  They said they'd start the background check next week.

Interesting.

Things are looking up.

I had the day off because my blood pressure shot up to 164/122.  I kept getting dizzy and headachy, so I took the day off to go to the doctor.

I didn't want to pass out at work and scare my boss.

As I sat home waiting for the doctor's office to call me, I received an email inviting me to an interview.

I went in and was told I was a shoo in for the job.

That is the universe in action, isn't it?

My first lesson is to express gratitude for those organizations and people you respect, somehow that gratitude may lead you to better things.

At least it will lead you to a better mindset.

*******

My blood pressure is typically very, very low.

My doctor is worried that things changed so quickly.

We both blame stress.

It could be that I've been too busy to brew my Kombucha.

As I kid, I always took an aspirin a day.  I never knew why.  I think it was because I was raised by my grandparents and they religiously took an aspirin a day.

I haven't done that for a long time.

They stopped eating salt.  I dislike salt because, as a child, it was never added to my food.

Pepper....I love pepper.

I don't eat salt.

That could be why my blood pressure was always low, too.

There is a lesson there.

My second lesson is to copy and emulate the behavior of those you respect, it often leads to health and happiness.

I'm going back to my roots.

Please wish me luck on the new job. It'll be nice to be in a place where I won't worry about making the next mortgage payment and having money to budget towards tithing.

******

I am realizing that I need to have a lawyer help me with the crap I'm being doled out by my ex.  If he isn't bugging me in court, he or his family will stalk me.  Maybe the State of Colorado needs to keep him busy trying to lower his child support because this type of frustrating game isn't dangerous as much as it is expensive.

I just wish government would stop coddling domestic abusers.  When we let these controlling people off the hook for stalking, or assault, or financial abuse - they learn they can get away with murder.  Some of them even go so far as to shoot other people.   Yeah, most of these people are men.  Every once in a great while, there will be an abusive woman who shoots her own kids.

It's a sick, sick world.  The government is not always the best medicine.

I will always be a proponent of the second amendment.  I'm sad to say it, but the Aurora police department taught me that stalking is a joke.  To quote an officer, it's just "some guy messing with [my] head."

I learned to shoot and protect myself because no one else will do it for me.  It was a Republican politician who provided my gun training free of charge.  The Libertarians paid for the classroom.

I hate guns.  My step-father died playing Russian Roulette.  I can't let someone scare the holy crap out of me because my step-father was an idiot and irresponsible.

Sometimes, sadly, they are necessary.

Please think things through before following the dictates of the liberal crowd.  Gun control often leads to genocide.  Please read history.  The biggest threat is not the idiot down the road with a gun: the biggest threat is a government who can control it's defenseless people.

Love ya,

S.

Lessons from a Hospital Bed

Today I am thankful for the advice of a nurse.....

and the comforting visions that kept me sane while waiting for the IV drips and procedures to be completed.

000375705

So.....I faint....

a lot.

I've always fainted in steamy rooms and while working out.

In 1998, they thought it was a cardiac event.  I kept going to the gym and fainting on the treadmill.

I had a lot of tests done and was informed it was exercise induced asthma.

They gave me an inhaler.  I never used it.

I no longer wear a size 5 because I'm too terrified to push it in the gym.

In 2007, I began fainting a lot at home.  It got to the point it was ignored because I always woke up.

I did have an episode where I fainted near my parents' grave at Fort Logan National Cemetery.  I envisioned the ghost of my paramedic step-dad telling me to drink more d$#@ water and avoid going out on 100 degree days.

There were times when I felt faint but began to fight it.  This brought on Vertigo.  My first bout of it was August 19, 2008.  I assumed that it was because it happened as I stood within inches of my first love telling me that I deserved better in life and love.  I still love him.  I always will.  That moment was very painful and hit it home.  I started spinning at that moment and it took about a week for it to stop.

As I stood there, I noticed shiny pennies on the ground.

I managed to go through my routine, I was taking post-graduate courses about drug and alcohol addiction in Downtown Denver.  For the next two days I managed to do what I always did.

Then I fell and hit my head.

I wound up in the Emergency Room at [deleted**].  The experience was so great, I would later decide to sell their policies (that's a long story).

That's when I was told it was due to something being stuck in my ear.  They dislodged it.  I still spun.  They gave me Xanax and told me to rest.

The vertigo did not go away for several days.  Being the daughter of a Native American Paramedic, my thoughts turned to the psychological reasons for the ailment.  I reasoned that around 4:00 p.m. on August 19, 2008, I found myself faint and swooning.  I found myself staying grounded in the reality that I was 37 years old, in an unhappy sexless marriage with a man whose family was stalking me -while at the same time - realizing that I could make another choice and potentially give into emotion and be swept away into something that may not be good for anybody at all in the long term.

As I care deeply for the man that stood before me and cannot remember exactly why we parted, I continued to stand my ground.  For all he knew, I could be a lunatic gun-toting Libertarian that fights the government at every turn.

He may not know who I am.

Back then, I only fought the government when the lives of children were at stake.  That would change in just a few short months after I'd get a threat from an employee at the Aurora City Government and the identity and intention of my stalker would reveal itself.

Prior to 2009, I only took on foster homes and public schools engaging in sexual and physical abuse of minors.

In fact, my patron Goddess was Artemis, the beautiful sister of Apollo.  Artemis is the protector of women and children.  For years, I'd dream of her showing me that the man who stood before me was in danger and that one of two conclusions would occur; he'd either die prematurely or break his leg in an accident.  She came to me because we still loved each other deeply.

In 2008, the accident had not happened yet.  I'd continue to have those dreams for several years.  She told me she'd give me green eyes as a reminder that I needed to be there for this person.  When the danger had passed and he would come back and he was okay, my eyes would return to the deep brown they always were.

I had not spoken to him since the late eighties.  I'd avoid him in public.  If I saw him, I'd hide and I always avoided the area he was known to reside.  My in-laws lived just a few blocks from his mother, so hiding was easier said than done.  I was afraid to reach out because the gossips claimed he had acted out after the end of our relationship.

The dreams caused me to seek him out.  I was unsuccessful.  He found me on Classmates.com and invited me to lunch in a public place.

The waiter told me that he could tell this man loved me.  Of course, we're just old friends. He's the most beautiful man I've ever met.  I'm not hot enough, or pretty enough, or artistic enough to keep a man like that happy.

I'm just a friend.....an old, old friend.

I went back a few days later to rent an office in the area.  There were seven shiny pennies on the ground where we stood.  They were all dated 1988.  I picked them up.  I keep them inside of a box decorated with the rune Gebo, the rune of friendships that cannot be undone.  They sit by my bedside, so I can look at them when I have nightmares about this man.

My friend's name is Tom.

*****

Years would pass.  There would be two more visits.  One would occur on a day I had intended to stand on the Colorado Capital steps holding up signs and supporting my activist buddies who were giving speeches. When Tom called, I made it a point to be there to try to warn him of the impending doom I dreamt of.  There would be other days to hold signs for CUT and days when I would give the speeches. 

On this day, Tom and I ate Chinese Food and I immediately felt sick to the point I could not eat.  The waitress told me he loved me and said that she'd tell him to buy me roses because he was 30 minutes late to our meeting.  I laughed, Aurora traffic IS insane (the budget is a mess - that's another long story).  

The food was excellent.  I would later learn that I'm allergic to soy and shrimp and that was why I fell ill. I should have just ate the rice. I definitely shouldn't have driven home that day.

Tom and I were friends on Facebook.  I hid his feed when I saw all of the dangerous stuff he liked to do.

He broke his leg in a skydiving accident in 2010.  He broke it within days of my 40th birthday.  I spent my 40th birthday alone in my mini-van, crying in an empty parking lot and hiding from my ex-husband who was on a rampage.  At least it gave me a place to pray for my old friend.

My eyes are STILL green.  I'm still worried about him.  There is nothing I can do.....nothing.  It's his life....it's his adventure.   Somewhere along the line we decided to live our adventures apart. 

I cannot remember why.

******
I had been stalked since 1992 by my ex-husband's family.  I had never really called it stalking.  I thought of it as bullying attempts at dominance that would eventually stop.

It didn't really get dangerous until 2011.  Prior to that, it was just my ex's family calling employers, landlords and creditors with lies and bullsh!t.  It wasn't very long ago, I would get calls from my former brother-in-law's creditors claiming that he told them that I was married to HIM and would pay the bills!

Talk about harassment!!!

On 01-11-11 - it got to the point of endangering others.  This was the last lunch with Tom.  He sat there with a cast on his leg.  He was proud of the adventure that led to his injury.  I tried to hide the tears as he proudly recounted the adventure that led to his missing toes.

He's living life.   I'm happy for him.  I just wish it didn't hurt him so much.

As I sat there, my ex-husband's sister and her boyfriend stared.  I would find out later that they hassled the people waiting in the waiting room of the psych practice I worked for.  They harassed the billing lady and went through her files trying to get information about me.

I left my practice.

I decided to sell health insurance.

Sure, I'll see the occasional hypnosis client now.  I don't advertise because when I do, it brings my ex-husband's family out to hassle me or my clients.  I just see the hard cases, people that others cannot help.  I only charge them what they can afford (or what their normal co-payments would be).

It can't be my business until I move or the stalking is over.

I sold for [deleted **] until they moved their sales office.  I will always recommend them.

I now sell for another health care company now but I may not be selling there for long.

*******
I used to work for this company.  It's one of the largest health insurance for-profit networks in the county.  They even helped write the Affordable Health Care Act.

I was recruited by a call center company trying to get a permanent contract to sell Medicare plans for this company. 

The call center managers are pushing unethical sales practices so they can win this contract.

I refuse to churn people from plan to plan.  This company thinks that should a current customer call, I need to enroll them into a different plan whether or not it is of a benefit to the customer.

I refuse to do that.

It's expected that I enroll every third person who calls.  Most of my calls are from current customers who need things like new cards.  I manage to sell 20% or so.  I will only sell if it HELPS.

I lost it when I was told to enroll someone into the same plan they already have (and will continue to have in 2018) just to bolster my numbers!  Remember...these orders are coming from a call center manager rather than someone who is a licensed insurance agent.

I'm libertarianish - the moment I realized that there ought to be a law preventing people from pushing insurance sales that are not licensed insurance agents, I realized I'd been there too long.  I am the last person who thinks laws solve problems.

It's getting to the point of threats and harassment.  They breathe down my neck.  Now, they won't let me transfer people to customer service without the permission of my boss.  Of course, my boss is nowhere to be found.

They also get angry when someone takes a bathroom break four hours into his or her shift. 

We lose, an average of eight agents a week to attrition.

Yesterday, when I arrived to work my entire face was numb.  I thought it was anxiety.  I ignored it.

A woman I've worked with for years at other employers told me I looked pale and asked if I should go home.  I told her it was just anxiety and I'd work through it.

I had seven calls that day; two were from people who were not Medicare eligible, one was from someone I couldn't sell to because they had Medicaid - at this point I was in trouble.  I had three calls and had not sold a plan.

The next call was from someone whose inhalers were not covered by any of our plans.

My boss wanted me to push the sale by promising that this person's doctor would prescribe something covered by the plan.  I'm NOT his doctor.   Sure, it's a possibility that he could get something else.  It's a possibility that the plan could make an exception.  I cannot promise that.

The other aspects of the plan were good.  He currently had a plan with us that he could keep that covers his medications.  He thought he would keep his current plan until he could talk to his doctor.  I set it up to where an agent would follow up with him after he had a chance to speak to his doctor.

My boss's superior came over and started to question my behavior.  She asked if I could make more money elsewhere.

I stayed quiet.

This job pays very little for a sales job.  Before I was a stalking victim, I averaged $150 an hour but, as a housewife, I only worked one to two hours a week.  It was just enough to pay rent and office expenses.

As I sat with this lady, my chest started to hurt and my left arm went numb.

My chest got tight, my eyes started to water and I arranged to go home.  I told them I'd understand if they chose to write me up or fire me.

I thought that my physical reaction could be due to the Diet Pepsi I drank earlier.  I don't drink soda as much as I used to drink it.  I also thought my symptoms could be due to the half of a diet pill I've been taking on and off for several years.  It contains pseudoephedrine and helps with my asthma.



Here is a piece of life advice - always make friends with the janitors and security staff.  They know more about your environment than you do. 

They are also great people to know.

They are typically friendly and down to earth people.  They are my favorite co-workers.

My lovely security friend escorted me to the car and sat with me while I called my insurance company and spoke to the nurse. 

This call center doesn't offer health insurance. I'm on my own when it comes to health care. 

The nurse thought it could be my PTSD but wanted to get me checked out because chest pains are rare for me.  I drove myself to a hospital in Parker.

By the time I arrived, I was in severe pain and couldn't breathe.

I checked in and sat in the waiting room.  I started to sneeze and my lungs started to ache.  My eyes started to water uncontrollably.  I could barely move.

I was there for a long time.  I ran to the bathroom a couple of times to vomit.  A kind old lady gave me a plastic baggy so I wouldn't have to move.  She had a joint replacement surgery on one of the plans I sell now.  Her joint is infected.  There said that there was nothing they can do.

I wish she was with [deleted**].

I overheard people around me.  One man was in a car accident.  A woman had fallen off of a horse.  I sat there praying for their swift healing.

I could not keep my eyes open.

They found me a room two hours after arriving.  It was 2:30.  I could not move my neck.  My lungs hurt and I wanted to throw up but there was nothing coming up.

I went in and out of consciousness.

I had the strangest dreams.  In these dreams I'm sitting behind my old friend who is sitting in a black chair staring at a computer.  The room was well lit with natural light. There is something orange in the room and I couldn't make it out.

I remember him say something about the stupidity of diet pills.  I remember telling him that I religiously take the same brand of vitamins that he bought me as Christmas gifts when we went to school together. 

I hated to eat.  It turns out that I'm allergic to just about everything.  He bought me vitamin pills to help me stay healthy despite my unhealthy diet.

In the vision, he seemed okay.  He wasn't missing arms or legs.  He seemed content with where he was. I felt calm.  In the vision I just sat there staring at the back of his chair.  I also decided that I'd talk to the doctor about my diet pill addiction when she came into the room.

Even in that daydream, I was aware of the monitors buzzing around me.  My blood pressure was insane (147/122).  I usually have low blood pressure. 

The constant beeping kept putting me into a trance.

It would be 5:45 before I would come back to consciousness completely.

*******
I have a history of PTSD due to my childhood abuse, rape and the stalking.  I was informed that people with these histories are at an increased risk of cardiovascular problems.

The doctor believes that the stress I've been under the past four years is the reason why my allergies and asthma have gotten worse.  If I resolve the stress, I may be able to stop coughing and live normally again. I may be able to resume hiking, keep my cat, bake shrimp for parties and all those things I used to do before I got sick.

The diet drugs have most likely been my way of self-medicating for the allergies.  I should try Allegra or something known to be more effective.   There was nothing in the drugs to create the reaction that they saw today.  Yes, I brought my diet pills to the hospital with me.

My blood work was normal.

I have to follow up with a cardiologist on Monday.

I should start looking for a new job immediately.

The nurse stopped in and told me that she had injured her neck in an accident.  We chatted a bit about her recovery. She reminded me of one of my health psychologists professors; his name was Paul Haber.  His family may still run his website where he sold books and bio-dots before he died.  Paul would say that the mind is everything.  We can cure our allergies with our minds.  We can lower our blood pressure without pills.

Her advice was to install the Meet-up app on my phone and find hiking and other groups so that I could live my adventure as long as I could.

I would say that, if there is any thread in my life, it is to live adventurously and to honor the adventures of others.

Life is an adventure.

I support Tom in his adventures, although I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I have to stay clean just in case he needs blood or a transplant.

I support my sister on her adventures.

I wish my relatives would live a little more.

I wish my ex-husband's adventures did not include stalking or gorging on food.

I don't know if I have adventures.  I used to have a problem answering the Why Not Question.

Should I take on the local government due to its abuses of the people? 

Why is an easy question to answer. 

Why not is where I get stuck.

If I could not find an answer to the Why Not Question, I'd go forward.

Lately, I've been answering the Why Not Question with "I must hide from the stalker."

That has kept me away from living life to its fullest.

I guess that has to change.

Hiding from the stalker is why I am an insurance salesperson.  It's why I stopped doing what I love full time.  Being in the media and the spotlight caused the stalking to pick up.

Call center sales is an anonymous job.

I can't mess with people's health care coverage.  I guess that makes me a shitty salesperson.

I will always promote the company that rewarded me for actually helping people rather than lying to sign them up with plans that were a poor fit.

As I left the hospital, I looked at my phone and saw that a recruiter had called me about a job earlier that afternoon.

I'll give him a call first thing Monday morning.

Please live your life as the adventure as it is.  If someone is being a pest, get away.  If someone is abusing you, get away.  If someone is stalking you, take care of you.

Don't do what I did; don't replace an abusive spouse with an abusive employer.  Learn to say no and put yourself first.

Failure to do so, could be the death of you.

As for me, I will always have the opportunity to love others.  The world is a kind place despite the few insecure asshats that run around.

Remember....love yourself, first!

Love ya,

S.

** Two days after publishing this post, a recruiter for this non-profit healthcare company invited me in for an interview.  I am working there now.

They prefer that I don't blog about them but I can sing their praises to all of my friends.

I'm thankful to be back with this awesome company even if it is temporary and part-time work.