So....
As my kids get older and start to age into adulthood, I am thankful that they are telling me things that they were afraid to tell me in their youth.
I am going to need to find a way to get a good job with health insurance so I can get them decent psych benefits.
I knew I needed to do this but I had no idea how bad it was.
Well....
I can't walk into the kitchen without wanting to vomit.
This evening, my 20 year old told me about her father
watching porn at the kitchen table
and....
well....
soiling the rug and the underside of what I thought was the lily white underside of my country oak kitchen table.
It was hinted that he did this in the living room, too. So...the furniture and carpet have got to go.
I don't know if this is true or not. Now, I have to consult with a professional to determine if this constitutes child abuse or neglect. I don't feel right quizzing the kids about this and need to find a professional to work with it.
I'm a mandated reporter.
Personally, I had an issue where some of his....um...ejaculate ended up on my leg and I ceased to wear dresses around him. The kids were not around when that happened.
This....
this hurts.
Why would I assume it was just me who was abused in this way? I don't know what to think.
I'm lost.
Why in the world would he...…?
This also makes me wonder if this has impacted our daughters' sexual orientation?
They don't date males. I've got a few phone calls to make on Monday.
When this particular daughter was little, she said she caught him doing that in a chair in front of a computer. I assumed it was in the basement home office and her viewing it was accidental. She went into therapy shortly after the incident.
I never thought he did that in front of his laptop at the kitchen table or on the sofa.
This allegedly occurred after the divorce.
I regret not getting that restraining order now. I was afraid of the restraining order being cited as evidence that I wasn't a friendly parent. I was also afraid that it would make the stalking on the part of his family worse.
Sigh....
This daughter quit school last week because I cannot financially support her. I can buy her food, clothes and provide free shelter. I cannot afford to pay her school fees.
It breaks my heart.
It would be nice if someone could pay me the money he owes me. It would be nice if he'd tell the truth about his income, even if he didn't - he could help by paying back the money owed.
He won't.
I need to find a third job. I don't know how it happened but working full-time, I only grossed $28,000 last year.
I need to get back into private practice. I still fear advertising because ads tend to bring out my ex-husband's family and their harassment.
It's overwhelming.
If only the gossip were true
and I had means to make wishes come true.....
How does a single mom without funds conjure a lawyer?
*****
Christmas is also overwhelming.
It seems like every time I get near my family, I am inundated with information that takes me about six months to process.
It turns out that I am the 13th sister! My father had at least 13 girls! The boys are not part of this calculation. I know I have half-brothers.
13 daughters!!!
It's hard for me to fathom. Apparently some reporter is trying to track us all down.
I learned that I was hard to track down because of my name change.
Where does one get the energy to process all of this?
*****
I'm thinking that my overarching theme of 2018 (if not my entire life)
is cleaning up the messes of disingenuous men and the patriarchy that supports them.
I'm trying to find the means to support my kids that my ex-husband refuses to support.
Now, I'm trying to carve out time for 12 siblings I did not know I had!
Everything is a blur.
*****
I'm posting to say that I'm still alive and doing fine.
Life is a blur.
I'm unsure if I want to go into the addiction field as there is no money in it at all. I'll keep working towards it but if I can't find a paying job soon in the next few months, I'll just go back into political advocacy and sales.
I think I made more money selling insurance than most of my professors make teaching.
Working as a perma-temp isn't a good idea when one is trying to get health insurance for the kids. I was promised health insurance a year ago. It will never materialize. As much as I love the company I work for, it's time to move on. The unions will solve the problem for other people.
Today I realized that I cannot afford to play the temp-employee string along game. The kids need therapy!
So do I.
Besides, dealing with my family and ex is enough to make me feel crazy. If they don't make me feel insane, talking to political peeps makes me think I need to get committed.
I'll try to explain.
Some of the crap people tell me about politicians is truly insane. Many political ideas are so far removed from reality that I cannot help but laugh.
Who in the world is behind the assertion that Michelle Obama is a man? It was actually Joan Rivers. She's a comedian. They tell jokes. It is obviously a joke.
Sadly, people ran with it.
I laughed at someone for telling me that.
They tried to tell me that she was transgender. So? Good for her!
Someone told me that she adopted her kids. As a former foster child, all that did was make me love her. I can't stand her politics but if she is doing all that, what's not to love?
In the past, I've heard bullsh!t about local politicians. I think people tried to spread bs in an attempt to get me to spread the lies and look like a gossipy bully.
With all the crap both parties are spreading about the other and the memories of someone I was fond of getting accused to groping the speaker of the house,
I'm really having a tough time fiquring out how to get involved while rising above the fray.
In the past, I made fun off the gossip about myself (not only from politicos but from my ex's family).
Now, the danger is that the gossip could take on a life of it's own.
We've seen how gossip taken as truth ruins lives.
Geesh!
*****
I think the healthy thing to do is to take a time out from my new found family. They do look like me but I don't know if I can deal with their stories...…
their stories about sex assault,
poverty,
prostitution,
physical illness
and other traumas.
Rather than help my new found sisters process the trauma from my father,
I need to take time to focus on fixing the mess my ex-husband left for me.
First, I need to rent a dumpster and get rid of the furniture.
Secondly, I need to find a darn good job.
Third, I need to get a lawyer who isn't afraid of "crazy." I had a lawyer tell me that people with "crazy" exes pay double the retainer. Apparently the stuff my ex put in the divorce agreement signals "crazy" to the lawyers.
Only a "crazy" ex wants access to my home when I'm not here. Ditto for refusing to allow the kids to speak to his parents.
No one knows about the emails.
It dawned on me that non-custodial parents will pretend to be crazy and non-cooperative to scare the custodial parent into failing to pursue financial remedies (e.g. child support, alimony, payment of judgments). His latest round of emails scared me into thinking he was violently crazy and that he didn't have a solid grasp of reality.
The last lawyer hinted that stalking and domestic violence were signs of mental illness which prevented my ex from working a normal job and thus paying child support. It isn't. Domestic violence isn't a mental illness. It's a symptom of patriarchy which results in men who will do anything to keep their perceived control over another person (or group of people).
It seems to me that the father's rights movement has infiltrated the court system. In deconstructing some of their arguments, I've actually found ways that they can be taken down. Taxpayers really shouldn't be funding welfare kings; these men get free food, free legal assistance, free housing, free therapy, free medical care and they do not need to qualify for these services. There is no correlate for women. Gender (as in biological sex) shouldn't be a qualifier for help. Why is one sex exempt from income limits or work requirements? Domestic violence victims rarely find free or low cost legal help. Why does the government provide free lawyers for the civil/custody seeking actions of their abusers?
Something is off.
In time, the arguments will come.
I hope the new blood in the state house will see how skewed things have become. It's hard to hold out much hope after what they did to their brethren last year.
Sigh....
One day at a time. One step at a time.
I need to put my blinders on and focus on the kids.
That is the only way to live right now.
The last thing I want is for our girls to grow up like my new found siblings.
Love ya,
S.
Edit 01/04/2019
After getting copied on an email where he expressed frustration to the county mediator because I want to follow the order to the letter, I went back through my diary.
He was fired one day after his company had a professional come into his office with black lights looking for biological material.
I'm thinking that maybe he was fired for the very thing my daughter accused him of doing.
Sad.....I wonder why he blames me?
As far as the mediation, I contacted the county years ago trying to do mediation to get him out of my house. They told me that they could not do mediation with us due to the stalking and domestic violence. I was told to get a lawyer.
I'd be shocked if they don't have a record of that. He's engaging in more financial abuse now. I'm not sure the case would be a good fit for mediation.
His need to control and his frustration over not getting his way makes us a poor fit for mediation.
I just got an email telling me that he's going to drop them off around 10:00 pm. We agreed that the first visit they had in nearly three years would last from 5:00 pm to 9:00 pm. I thought it would be a good reintroduction and a gentle path to him getting reacquainted with them.
All it did was remind me that he's manipulative.
I'm sure he's doing this to monopolize my time. This is why he's supposed to follow the court order - so the kids and I can have a life of our own.
I have to say NO to mediation. I need a lawyer.
His need to control and his frustration over not getting his way makes us a poor fit for mediation.
I just got an email telling me that he's going to drop them off around 10:00 pm. We agreed that the first visit they had in nearly three years would last from 5:00 pm to 9:00 pm. I thought it would be a good reintroduction and a gentle path to him getting reacquainted with them.
All it did was remind me that he's manipulative.
I'm sure he's doing this to monopolize my time. This is why he's supposed to follow the court order - so the kids and I can have a life of our own.
I have to say NO to mediation. I need a lawyer.
