Living In a Dream State

Today I am thankful for the positive changes in my life 

and understanding that what hasn't been positive was just a lesson. 

I love my job.  

The only issue is finding myself fighting imposter syndrome. I have spent the past two and a half years working as a milieu counselor who was constantly told to be quiet, speak little, counsel but do no counseling.  In the end, I was chided constantly because rumor had it that whenever I spoke to people, I covertly hypnotized them. 

I did a bi-weekly meditation. This was possibly the closest thing to hypnosis I've done working in a drug and alcohol counseling hospital. 

I made sure to eradicate any usage of NLP or Ericksonian Language Patterns during my employment at this facility. 

It all started when my former boss found out I was getting licensed as a counselor.  I think she had a couple of former colleagues run around to dig up dirt on me.  Getting called into her office with gossip on a daily basis got old, so I left.  The gossip didn't end after I left so I finally just wound up blocking the old boss's phone number and the numbers of her cronies because it stressed me out too much to see her accusations via text. 

Sure, that's not professional behavior but it is life-affirming.  

It's strange how long it takes negativity to leave one's aura.  I still hate to check my phone.  I still doubt my capabilities as a counselor (even though I've been doing it far longer than my former boss). 

I doubt myself too much.  I find myself overthinking and messing up.  When asked to hypnotize someone, I took to heart the words of a nurse telling me it would piss off the CEO of the company. 

Well, I learned today that this is not the case.  I was hired because of my background. 

Now, it's time for me to hypnotize myself to get over the negative lessons of the past.  Maybe I'll contact a hypnotherapy trainer licensed in addiction counseling and ask for some clinical supervision. 

The beautiful part of this is that a couple of the patients at the former facility are patients at the facility I work at now.  The former patients will visit with me in the waiting room.  They've come so far! 

I'm excited for them.  It would seem that they, too, had to get away from the old facility. 

*****

It's been a while since I last wrote.  

It probably should go without saying that I have nightmares about a man from my past.  In many of the dreams he's injured or worse.  I literally cringe whenever I learn about someone dying while hiking or camping in the mountains. 

The last time someone showed me a story in which a man died hiking, I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn't the star of my nightmares. 

Sadly, it turned out to be another nurse/musician that I used to work with.  This guy was super funny.  He was silly but I think it was because the drugs he used to do fried away any of his inhibitions.  

Once he gave a woman pregnant with her first child a medical textbook on high-risk deliveries.  She was traumatized after looking at the pictures.  Fortunately, she agreed to trade the book for a copy of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting." 

Our last conversation was about his dogs.  He was hiking with them and sent around pictures of his doggies enjoying the trail. 

He breathed his last on a hiking trail. 

If my heart gets any heavier, that sucker is going to fall into one of my feet. 

****

So - 

I'm not freaking out any more.  I'm sad.  I'm possibly over eating. 

I'm in a cast and unable to exercise. 

I've gained 18 of those 30 pounds back (some of that weight could be the cast). 

I'm not feeling sexy at all. 

It's incredibly bizarre when hot men flirt with me. 

This happened today. 

I'm in a grocery store and this beautiful black man comes up behind me complaining that I'm in his way.  

I must have looked aghast because at this point, he grabs my hand softly and says he is just messing with me.  

It's not a shocking thing for anyone to say to me anymore.  I move so slowly with this lead foot and ankle, I feel like I'm always in the way. 

He tells me I'm beautiful 

(possibly a man's greatest get out of trouble card). 

Then he puts his hand on my should and .tells me that if I run off, he'll chase me. 

I smile and go about my business wondering why men always flirt with me when I'm 30 pounds overweight, my make-up has melted off my face, my clothes are dirty from a long day at work and my auburn curls are pulled into a scrunchie.  

I start my days at 4:30 a.m. now.  By the time 5:00 p.m. comes around, I'm exhausted.  

After a while, I finish up my shopping and head out to the car. 

I stop at the soda machine, wondering if caffeine could help me feel better. 

Then I hear it.....

a beautiful male voice singing - 

sounding like Al Jarreau singing the chorus of 'After All.' 

Someone hypnotized me!! 

Whoa....

I turn around as quick as I can in my cast 

and spy the beautiful flirtatious man looking at me and singing from the driver's seat of his pristine vintage 60's era T-bird. 

It was time to break the spell - 

I shook my head. 

I went back into the store and waited for him to drive off. 

It's still June, isn't it? 

Maybe there is an Asexual Pride Festival somewhere that can march some sense back into me. 

To tell the truth, 

my first thought was to actually chase after the car - 

not because the guy was flirtatious, gorgeous and sexy 

but because if I were to ever start an R & B band, he'd be the perfect lead singer. 

****

It dawned on me that the extra 30 pounds is useful.....

it keeps me away from men. 

The less I'm around men, 

the less likely I will be to get hurt.

Of course, then I have to remember that the weight strategy is a poor one.  All I have to do is listen to the Godfather of Soul, he'll explain it.   

Some people don't mind getting squished.   

The extra weight is just so damn hard on my knees and ankles. 

I realized, too, that I forgot to wear one of my fake wedding rings today. 

Sigh.....

I'll find a way to work out despite the cast. 

Or I could slap Charlie around more.  

It's not as bad as it sounds. 

Charlie is one of my bass guitars. 

Truth is, if I've got a beloved bass guitar in my hands, I'm less likely to have food in them.  Yeah, I gave up on that Bootsy Collin's fried chicken advice from a magazine a long ago.  The rose oil I use on my hands also gets the strings; it's just as greasy as fried chicken but is less fattening and smells better, too.  

*****

Hopefully, you've found the bullshit reasoning which causes my life to suck. 

Don't be like me, please live your life without fear.  It hurts less that way (even though I'll be the first person to lie to you and say that this universal truism doesn't apply to me). 

Know the truth of yourself. 

You're beautiful 

You're alive. 

So live as much as you can! 

Love ya, 

S. 

. 
 

Uh oh - I Met Someone

 

Lyric: "I'd sell my soul for a wish." Um....drat....I'm told redheads don't have souls or else I'd have traded it years ago to Papa Legba so I could play like Larry Graham. 

Today I am thankful that fully vaccinated people don't have to wear masks. 

I took one of the kiddos to her favorite hobby shop today. 

After hobbling out of the car and hopping on my little scooter, I followed my daughter inside. 

This guy had lots of Gadsen stuff - 

everything - 

coffee mugs, flags of every size, t-shirts hats

The yellow version, 

The white version, 

even the version where it bleeds into the Stars and Stripes. 

He didn't have this one - 

I need this on a t-shirt because I think it chunks down the political philosophy in a way that most politicians can understand. 

*****

He saw me in my mask and put his on.  

I let him know that I only wear mine so I don't scare people who fail to understand immunity. 

I'd take it off if he'd take his off. 

We were naughty bearing our true faces 

and had a delightfully flirty conversation. 

*****

This man literally defied the shutdown order to save his business. 

He opened early. 

(Long slow sigh with glassy eyes)

Rebels...

I always love the bad boys 

(but only if they're into freedom and they break unconstitutional mandates by people stretching the authority they are allowed under the law.)  

Sigh.....

I learned something today. 

There literally is ONE guy who can stand my politics 

he's in Colorado 

he's a little bit older than me....

Maybe? 

*****

Hmmm - 

if it goes anywhere, I'd have to abandon my Ace ways.

This guy could be worth it. 

It's a fun crush.  

I get the sense I won't have to call. 

I have a feeling I'll find him at the next rally. 

To tell the truth, he looked and sounded incredibly familiar.  

It's possible we already met and I forgot. 

Yeah  - 

I'm wearing monovision contacts now so I only recognize people I see on my left unless they're super close. 

That could explain why we behaved like we knew each other. ..

Hmmmm.....

Sigh....

I'd love to meet a new friend.  If he were Aro or Ace, it would be perfect, however, based on the conversation, he isn't.  Closeness of men can lead me to face things I rarely consider due to their needs.  

He's one guy I'd like to know better.  It could be worth it. 

To me, relationships are about passion. Mine tend to be with people who stoke passions in me that are not necessarily physical.  

Maybe finding someone to keep me busy will be the magic that'll chase the nightmares away. 

Sigh - 

No matter what happens, 

It was actually nice getting out of Covidland for a bit. 

I'm wondering what other adventures lie ahead. 

Praying you get a good adventure (that doesn't lead to broken bones or burned nether regions). 

Love ya, 

S. 

Lovin' Life yet Disturbed by Dreamtime

 Today I am thankful for the only constant in life - change. 

I'm loving my new job.  My boss is super smart and is good with people.  He puts me in mind of the people who surrounded me as a child. 

My parents were violent alcoholics so I spent most of my time out of school with Baptist ministers and Mormon bishops who stole me away from my parents to help them out in the church. 

That probably explains why I volunteer and tithe so much.  I swear those men and their families saved me.  

My new clinical supervisor gave me permission not to wear so much make-up.  That's new.  When I became a hypnotist, my very first mentor told me to always wear make-up.  If I tell you why he said that, you'd figure out who he is. 

I followed his advice.  Prior to that, the only times I wore make-up were when I modeled or when I got married.  I tried wearing it for a bit in high school but it got my boyfriend in trouble.  I'd hug him and his beautiful mom would have to scrub the make-up out of his shirt. 

So - 

make-up is messy.  I'm trying to regain the confidence in my appearance to be myself again.  Just when I think I have it back, my old bully boss calls (gotta remember to block her until she finds a new outlet for her stress). 

I'm still wearing my temporary cast so I cannot take flowers to my old friend's mother*.  She and his dad are buried by several of my relatives (three of whom died within the past year).  I try to get out to the cemetery about five times per year (Memorial day, All Saint's Day and the birthdays of the uncle and aunt who raised me after alcoholism killed my parents).  Since my old friend's parents are just a few feet away, I pack up my car with flowers and make the rounds. 

I didn't get to go last week because I can't walk due to the cast.  

There must be a little bit of guilt there because....

I am still dreaming of this guy.  The dreams are incorporating one of my deceased relatives and him. I don't think these two ever met.  This is the aunt who taught me to leave people who treat me poorly until they can behave themselves.  We dated during the phase where I left her alone to ponder her crappy behavior.   

It's weird. 

Not sure if I want to say what exactly the dreams are about -but- upon sharing them with a living relative, it appears to be somewhat accurate (at least as they pertain to my deceased relative). 

In short, the dreams show me running in to him at a place where my aunt died. She showed me a balcony full of plants. She said that she decided to not fight to live while standing on that balcony. 

Then she pointed outwards and said 'you'll find him again here.'   The dream got weirder, I heard his voice.  I saw us hugging each other. 

I woke up creeped out.

Seriously, I've prayed for this guy to be married several times over the past thirty-three years.  If my prayers were answered, I'm not going to ruin that gift by hugging him in real life unless the Mrs. is okay with that. 

When I described the balcony and the plants to her sister, I was informed that this place actually existed in Old Town Arvada. 

Oh - 

Well, maybe my subconscious mind is telling me to avoid 52nd Ave and Olde Wadsworth on my way to the cemetery. 

Other than that, I'm not sure what to write about. 

*****

I'm exhausted due to the pain I'm in.  Sleeping is challenging due to the throbbing in my leg, knees and hips.  Oh, and the dreams make it hard to sleep, too. 

The blast from the past is not dying in the dreams now.  They are just bizarre dreams.  I would never wish such horrible things on anyone I used to consider my best friend.

Maybe I need to start dreaming of living in a frozen wasteland.  That ought to do the trick.   

My subconscious mind needs cleaned out.  I wonder if I still have that 'get over the ex' CD from my colleague with the beautiful voice?  I guess I can buy another one.  I need to enroll in some training anyway. 

I fell when I was spring cleaning.  There are little piles of stuff all over the house.  It's going to take awhile to resort through everything.  I'll never find it now. 

I need to get another one. 

*****

No, I haven't seen a surgeon as I never was given a referral by my primary care physician (was supposed to see one over a week ago) and unsure how to proceed.  

I'm breaking a lot of rules (e.g. taking off the temporary cast to shave because - ick...). My ankle is still swollen on both sides and bruised. 

My daughters think I'm faking.  I wish I were but because they don't want to help my house and lawn look like crap. 

At least my legs are mowed. 

So - 

Some things don't change (even though they should). 

I'm going to gain my weight back because I can't work out any more. 

Other than that, things are beautiful. 

May your life be beautiful, too. 

Oh, take your calcium and D3.  My bones are probably breaking because I grew up with an eating disorder.  I wonder how bad things would be if I didn't have a best friend get me hooked on vitamins when I was a teenager?  

Well, maybe the least I can do is thank him for that if I see him on Olde Wadsworth. 

The falling and breaking bones is what killed one of my relatives that I visit at the Arvada Cemetery.  I had no clue how easy it was to break my bones until I fell a couple of weeks ago. 

Take care of yourself so you don't live my hell.  Being this is not attractive if you're limping. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Whoa - My Love Life As An Album

 Today I am thankful that I can find musical language to describe my love history. 

So...I have a habit of buying CDs off of the dollar rack at a local consignment store.  I went looking for a Woodstock era CD for an aging guitarist with Alzheimer's as I was hoping the music could bring him moments of lucidity. 

I didn't find Hendrix. 

Instead I found the Robert Smith experience. 

So I listened....

I was never a big Cure fan.  Many of my old guy friends are. 

Me....not so much. 

I listened anyway. 

Yeah....been there...done that. 

No shame. 

Yeah....I have nightmares then I miss someone. 

I pray no one misses me. 

Yeah, a couple of them come around every few years. 

I'm so very busy. 

In fact one of them called me ten days ago. 

I must be a little freaked out because within moments of getting the phone call and the request to meet, I left my phone in a flippin' grocery store across town. 

My subconscious mind must like being alone. 

Despite my busyness, I still love them. 

I should probably emerge from the recoding studio

go out and replace my personal cell phone 

so I can call this old friend back. 

I guess I could figure out how to hook up the VOIP.  I've paid for the home number for over ten years - I just don't know how to use the phone. 

Part of me wonders if this was why I got married when I was younger, I was far too stupid to hook up the stereo and VHR. 

Amps...no problem.  

Stereos?  VHRs?  I didn't care too much about those things. 

Introverts probably don't have much use for home phone lines. 

I'll call my old friend back. 

It's weird.  

This isn't the one in the nightmares.  This is one I've known much longer.  

Strange.....

At our age, we probably don't have s much time to hang out as we used to. 

Love ya, 

S.