Dreams, Shamans and Goddess Meditations

Today I am thankful for the culmination of dreams, insight from other Pagans and a Goddess meditation.

First off, I was wrong.  Working 50 hours a week and attending school for 20 hours does not get rid of dreams of an old love.

Sigh....

I figure that if I understood what my subconscious mind was trying to say, the dreams would stop.

The dreams started in 1987.

They waned for a bit but came back with a vengeance on 11-5-2005.

For the first decade or so, the dreams were frightening.  In each dream, the subject would be injured.  The heartbreaking thing was that, invariably, the subject would wind up with these injuries in real life.

No, I had nothing to do with the injuries.

About three years ago, they turned into more personal dreams.  The only thing they do now is make me feel bizarre.  I can't be running around having subconscious imagery of a guy I rarely talk to anymore.

It would be very awkward to fun into his family now and...well....you know.

To be fair, I had one dream that I would be comfortable recounting in public.  Last Saturday, I dreamt of this guy ordering breakfast at a fast food place.

Talk about incompatibility....

Sigh....

It's just a dream.

The dreams on Fridays scare me.  Last week, I dreamt of Isis watching us....

together....

sharing a chair.....

which was too much for this prude person to dream about.

That dream....well.....that caused me to run to a couple of devotees of Isis.

I asked if it would be wise to meditate to the archetypal image of Isis and Horus (aka Mary and Jesus) to ask what in the world that dream meant.

There is absolutely no chance it meant what I saw.

I respect the man too much.

When we run into each other, he looks at me with love but I can sense that he is annoyed with me.

There is no way that we could be close on any level.  He'd need Xanax to put up with me.

Seriously.....there are more beautiful women in the world who won't drive him up a wall in a negative way.

There has to be another meaning to the dreams.

*****

The first devotee told me to light some incense and leave an offering of fish for the cats at the crossroads.

The second devotee told me that her spirit guide, Inanna, suggested that I stop avoiding this guy in order to pursue the meaning.  Well....I won't run away but I won't stir up old wounds.

It seems to kill him to look at me.  He looks at me a combination of boyish wonder, love and annoyance.

Uh....I'm not good for him.

It's hard to watch the way his face contorts in my presence.

With that in mind, I meditated to Inanna.

Given that I'm a crazy Constitutionalist, I actually have a statue of her*.

Inanna is the Mesopotamian goddess of love and war.  She is also known as Ishtar and the precursor to Aphrodite and Venus.

She is a bad ass.  Most sculptures of her feature a voluptuous woman, carrying a scepter with each leg riding on the back of a lion.


Many Pagans believe that Inanna is the model for the Statue of Liberty.  In fact, the beloved sculpture wears the crown of Ishtar. It's easy to find an idol of this form of Ishtar.

I meditated.

I think I have my answer.

The dreams are distractions intended to keep the nightmares about my stalkerish ex and his family at bay.

I literally remember a powerful feminine voice stating

"You're a divine being! Don't waste your life on the drama of small men."

That's fitting.

I've literally spent my entire adult life cleaning up the messes of men be they my father, my ex-husband or the idiot who was given custody of my sister.

I tire of the bullshit.

*****

I've done more meditating.  I finally realize why I'm having those dreams.

This is going to sound crazy

-but-

my first love was the only guy who understood the need for time to work on projects.

I have him pegged as an INTP.  He told me he was an INTJ.

Either way -

he's introverted,

creative,

intelligent and can't tolerate stupidity.

He has personal projects that he becomes engrossed in.

He didn't expect me to cling to him 24/7.

That allowed me free time to draw, study and engage in personal projects.

I've had two serious relationships and dated one other guy in the 31 years since we broke up.

The guys who followed him expected me to be a shallow, one dimensional human-being.  I was only allowed to exist to serve their needs.  Anything I tried to do on my own was, for the most part thwarted.

The guy who followed him trashed my musical instruments (including the bass my dad gave me).  He would tear up my college textbooks.  One day, when I had a final exam, he promised me a ride to school and dropped me off 20 miles away.  He didn't drop me off, I opened the door at a stop light and jumped out of the truck when I recognized where we were.

My ex-husband had his sister stalk me on campus and his friends harass me at volunteer gigs.  He also played games with money and vehicles making it hard for me to commit to work.  That relationship quickly moved to financial abuse.

Steve just badmouthed me to anyone I knew when I wouldn't do what he expected me to do.

These guys created drama when I wouldn't behave the way they expected me to behave.

Why would anyone want to live like that?

I don't.

Perhaps that is why I don't want to date.  I seriously don't want to serve some egotistical asshole who is going to just ruin my credit, destroy my belongings and steal from me.

I have far too many things to do now.

Why would I play around with an idiot when I have a recording studio and an easel in my bedroom?

I've got far too many things to do right now.

I don't know if grown men can ever understand the introverted woman's need for creative time.

******

It's Friday.....

let's see if the dreams are finally put to bed.

I'm old....

too old for love and romance.

The only things that make me happy and excited are my bass guitar and my microphone.

I don't think I'll find any man who makes me as excited as my first love - music and art.

Love ya,

S.

Pretending to be Anti-Social

This song has been stuck in my mind all day.  I have no clue why.  The answer will probably arrive in my dreams around 3:33 in the morning.

Today I am thankful that I realize that the more I try to not be myself, the more of my personality tends to leak out.  

Years ago, I started writing down bizarre thoughts that I had.  I used my real name.  One of the thoughts actually made it into another author's book.  Just a line....he sent me a copy. 

I treasure that. 

When the stalking became frightening, I started to use a childhood nickname.  To prove to myself how ludacris the gossip about me was, I began to write as though I were the person in the stories. 

There is an inherent challenge in writing fictional type things.  First, the issue is of the environment.  Environments have to be believable.  For a fictional background to be believable, the environment is the story has to be consistent.  The best way to do that is to model the environment off of real life.  That is what I've done.  

The second challenge is to decide which gossip to include and what to ignore.  I've been accused of crazy crap (threatening my mother-in-law, wanting to kill poor people and all that stuff).  I decided not to include illegal crazy crap because anything so outside of my experience would be unbelievable and I'd have a hard time being consistent with it. 

The witchcraft thing, I ran with that.  It's partially based in truth.  I'm very spiritual but not so stupid as to believe that I could control Demons, Daemons and dark phantoms.   I've been told that people are afraid that I can do that.  It's funny so I put it in. 

If you saw the car I drive and the condition of my home, you'd know I don't have those powers.  Solomon was said to have had power like that - they say the Djinn built him temples. 

I have a beat up old house - so....come to your own conclusions about my power or lack thereof. 

I quickly realized that the stuff of my life was very strange and could easily be put in the story.  It is a tad bit too bizarre to be believed.  This blog (and the three that preceded it) have become a way for me to keep track of frightening events and dates.   I still have trouble believing what happened.

I hope that some of the stuff that I was told is true is actually fiction.  Yes, my hope is to find out that I was lied to about my in-laws dying.  

It's funny to see how much truth ends up in the stupid thing.  My step-father used to tell me that fact is stranger than fiction.

It certainly is. 

******

I started off my day visiting the Native American herbal shop to stock up on supplies for the winter.  Then I went to a new age shop to buy more herbs and inquire about a new office space.  I found myself relating a story about buying a vintage washer in the very spot my mother died.  I had been hunting for a 1970's era Whirlpool without success.  I found one on Craigslist and nearly fainted when the seller gave me the address.

It was in the kitchen where mom first lost consciousness on 02-14-84. 

For the past few weeks, I'm told that the cat will stare at the washing machine.  The cat is beginning to get very attached to me.  The childish part of me wonders if mom is visiting the cat.  

The adult part of me hopes she passed into the light.  

I look exactly like my mom, too.  My uncle faints when he sees me in public.  I used to have an office next door to an office his grandson owned.  Whenever I heard the name "Carol" and an accompanying thud, I knew my uncle was nearby.  

I bought some incense to keep the house peaceful.  I had the thought that I should play some Crystal Gayle and Linda Ronstadt, too.  Mom loved country music.  

The music will probably drive the kids out of the house. 

*****

Life is too short.  

I have decided to stop wishing people happy birthday in the hopes that I will always see them as ageless. 

Yesterday was hard..... I imagine an old friend as living in Paradise, happily married with all the great things life has to offer. 

Sadly, Paradise has burned.  They're expecting rain.  After a fire, rain can lead to mudslides. 

The last place I knew he lived is suffering in smoke.  He has asthma.  

I'm embarrassed to say that over the past two weeks, this guy has had me on my knees more than any other guy at any point in my life.   

I'm serious. 

Thankfully, he'll never know about all of the prayers. 

I wonder what you were thinking? 

Oh.....sadly, I'm too darn busy for that.

It's weird.....once I went six years without it, I find that I really don't miss it any more.

Not having intimacies really gives one quite a bit of time to focus on other things.  

*****

There is so much going on and I don't have enough time to do any of it. 

I had an idea that I brought to my favorite health care company.  I haven't had a chance to research it yet.

I love this company!  They're inspiring me to work on it.  

If they take it off my hands, the idea will belong to them so I probably shouldn't talk about it. 

If they don't, this could very well wind up being my dissertation.

School always changes my personality.  

I think I'm more INTJ than INFJ right now.  That happens when I'm in school.  

I think the technical MBTI term for my personality type is INXJ. 

Sigh.....

On the bright side, when my Thinking function is heightened, I don't have filthy dreams any more. 

I should do more research.! 

*****

Yes, I'm exhausted.  When I'm tired, my writing is choppy.  

There are a couple of other things bugging me.  I should write about triggers and wanting to do something about them. 

There are far too many domestic violence deaths.  The latest one really bothers me.  It is far too close to home.

Far too many abusers are winning custody of their kids and murdering them. 

The more I meditate on my experiences with stalking and domestic violence, the more I think about ways to solve the problem. 

The only thing the libertarian in me is thinking is that it is time to defund the Fatherhood Initiative/Fatherhood.gov.   This is where the funds to pay for my ex's three lawyers to gut his child support came from.  Those lawyers chastised me for caring for our daughter in college.  They also submitted a letter to my attorney stating that my ex was an alcoholic in a  religious rehab center (which is immune from state licensing requirements).  My ex denies being a drinker.  I've never seen him drink -but- that letter is enough to spare him from having to support the kids.

I thought that men couldn't voluntary under employ themselves to stop supporting their kids.  I guess, according to CO-PEP, they can.  Oh, and I don't get the privilege of having a lawyer (or three) provided to me because I'm female.

The government really shouldn't be funding a group that only helps one gender.  Abusers lie.  All they did was give more power to an abusive stalker.  The kids and are I paying for it.  Yeah, it's better to be a single mother in the poor house than a mother in mourning.  I'll eat the financial loss.   Truth be told, I've paid twice as much in legal fees than I have received in child support since we filed for divorce.  If the government is paying for his lawyers, he can fight long and hard.  I have to support the kids so I have to cut my losses.  

I hate to say it, but, the Fatherhood Initiative certainly makes a heck of a lot of excuses for abusers.  I'm hearing stories from lawyers where they are pressured to cave to the demands of deadbeat dads.  One lawyer, lost his license because he wouldn't back down.

The government putting children at risk due to some paternalistic notion not rooted in science? Uh....the taxpayers should not be paying for that.

When these guys gut their child support and the moms and kids wind up on welfare....well...the taxpayers shouldn't be paying for that either.

I've given up on my ex doing the right thing for the kids.  Karma will catch up to him.  

If I can find the time, I'll post. 

When a liberal is triggered, he or she will want to ban free speech and guns. 

When a conservative is triggered, he or she will want to ban personal activities. 

When a libertarian is triggered, he or she will want to gut government funding. 

I've been triggered since I got those rude and abusive emails from my ex-husband. 

Today I thought about sharing information that he'll probably want 20 years from now.  It would save him a heck of a lot of money and provide him current pictures of the kids

-but- 

I don't want him to have another abusive in. 

It's sad when I can't pass along helpful opportunities for freebies (free to him - not me) out of concern he'll start harassing me. 

I wish people could play nice.  

*****

Today was a very strange day.

I think I inadvertently flirted with a single dad today. 

We were at the store. 

I was trying to sneak down the baking aisle to get some stevia sweetener.   There was a man there who was very apologetic.  

He apologized that his cart was supposedly in my way. 

He was on the phone apologizing because he couldn't find the baking powder. 

I realized that I didn't have any baking powder and that the kids would want to bake over the holiday, so I beckoned him to follow me while I reached up on the shelf and grabbed a jar. 

The crap has aluminum in it but I didn't have time to go to the health food store. 

He apologized for taking the jar I offered him! 

Sigh....

I ran around and picked some last minute items: salad, tomatoes, mushrooms, feminine hygiene products, cinnamon rolls (yeah....I know)…..ice cream....(yes....that's even worse)…..diet soda (yeah....I'll probably take ten years off my life with that stuff). 

Several minutes went by.  The store was incredibly crowded.  I'm chatting with clerk and paying for my loot when the man pushes through line, runs up to me and asks my opinion about a baking pan. 

I wasn't familiar with the brand.  It didn't seem to be a good pan so I told him that I didn't know and asked the clerk for his opinion.  

The man explains that the person he was talking to on the phone was his daughter.  Then he apologizes for bothering me and the crowd pushes their way in front of him.  

I finish paying for the groceries and leave. 

Here is the weird thing about it - 

his voice is incredibly familiar.  

I think I've met him before.

I finally was able to buy a new pair of glasses ($100 at Costco....seriously.....).  Everyone looks amazing now that I can see them!

Maybe I know him but couldn't recognize him.

If so, I'm sure I'll find out about it soon.

*****

Today was a weird day.  

I'm trying to process it all.  

It's time for me to go back on my knees and pray for an old friend and the wife and kids I hope he's acquired in the past six or so years.  

My daughter is right.  It's dumb to avoid people because of a fear of ruining relationships that they may not even have. 

Perhaps I learned the wrong lesson from the stalking.  I learned to isolate myself and not act in ways that cause other people to potentially feel insecure.  I'm probably taking those lessons a tad bit too far. 

This may not make sense.  I've averaged four hours of sleep per night over the past two weeks. 

It'll be interesting to reread this with a clearer head. 

All in all....I think there was a lesson today:   

The only thing this day taught me is that I need to stop being anti-social, take time to work on the projects that really speak to my heart and truly take time to listen to people. 

It seems that I'm always in a hurry and don't give enough time and attention to the people that surround me.  

There are so many beautiful souls in my midst.  Perhaps I should start treating them with more of my time and attention.

There is truly so much to think about..

Love ya,

S. 

The Beauty of Fear

Don't fear the darkness.  The darkness helps us appreciate the light. 


Today I am thankful that I still embrace my anger and remember my fear.

Don't take advice from Muppets.




Sure, fear and anger leads to suffering.  Many people who suffer and work through it want to prevent others from suffering, too.

Today I was reminded of something I have to do in this city that is left undone.

I haven't solved the issue of the police ignoring stalking victims.

Yes.  I've felt fear.  I've been upset, anxious and freaked out so much that I'm probably too cool now.  I'm told I have a calming influence.

It's true.  Nothing freaks me out any more.  I don't think anything can compare to the experiences I've had from my ex-husband and his family.

This is why I learned to shoot.

I will never feel helpless again.

Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing.


In my mind, fear is the beginning of a journey.  It gives you strength to right a wrong.

If one is going to take advice from a fictional Sci Fi Character, I'd prefer the words uttered by Peter Capaldi's Dr. Who.



Fear makes you stronger.

Sure, fear often leads to anger.

Anger makes you act.

INFJs like to act to prevent injustice.

A little over a week ago, my ex sent me taunting emails claiming that I was lying about the stalking.  I showed them to a couple of lawyers who each suggested a restraining order.  I may have to do that.

Ugh.....

I never did that before because I don't trust the judicial system.  Without police reports, judges don't often give permanent restraining orders.  In family court, restraining orders are seen with suspicion.

I don't want to be accused of parental alienation.  I know the game.  Guys will demand visitation with very little notice on times that are not typically in the visitation schedule.  They may do this once or twice every few years.  If they are asked for child support, they'll point to the one or two times they do this and cry "parental alienation."

I'm being set up for that now.


I fear a restraining order will only embolden my ex to make that claim against me.

Thankfully, I no longer delete the creepy emails.

I don't feel sorry for my ex.  I see the game.

I'm not sure I'm angry at him.

I'm very thankful I got away.

I had a therapist tell me a long time ago that 'one doesn't know the truth until one gets away from the narcissist.'

This was echoed years later by an Aurora cop.  As much as the police here don't like to take stalking reports, they are incredibly astute.  I had one tell me to get my ex out of my house.  That officer was right, once he left it would be easy to see through the ruse.

******

Today I'm taking a post graduate course on women and trauma.  The homework was to look up Colorado stalking laws.

I heard myself utter for the entire class to hear.  Sadly, laws are only as strong as the police who fail to enforce them.

Sigh.....

I was reminded of the numerous times I called the police when my sister-in-law or her boyfriend harassed me in public.  The police blamed my ex-husband but refused to take reports.

They claimed he was messing with my head.

They told me to get a restraining order.

Without a police report, I couldn't do that.

I wasn't pissed off until I met another woman in the same situation and ran to the victim's advocates office angry as hell.  I can understand why the police don't want to take reports from an anti-tax advocate.

I didn't understand why they didn't want to take reports from her.

I yelled.

I had someone at the police department call me back.  I told her that I'd give this woman her name and ask that she call her.  If I heard of another case, I'd go public with my story.

It was only then they offered to help me.  By that time, I'd hired a private attorney to help me solve the problem.  It cost $10,000 to get this guy away from me.

The woman saw me three days later and told me that the police finally took a report.  Her stalker was arrested and she was taking the opportunity to change her life - she lost her home and her job.  She was safe.

Here is the thing that makes me angry....

I shouldn't have had to complain!

They should have taken a report.

Maybe I need to jump back in the game and raise awareness of the issue despite my ex's attempts to shut me up.

Someone has to speak out.

Not everyone can put a pentagram on her doorstep to keep the stalkers at bay.

Sometimes gossip is a good thing.

*****

The anger is where I get my energy.

I may as well put it to good use.

I find it to be quite empowering.

Perhaps I should look for ways to solve the problem of uneducated police officers and idiotic lawmakers who think that if a law is written; police will enforce it.

Yeah....there is a woman's bathroom lurking male Democrat representing Englewood who argued with me over that.  He believes police will enforce all the stalking laws.  He's lucky he's never been on the receiving end of a stalker or abuser.  If he had, he'd know better.

Sigh.....I learned a long time ago that people in power live by different rules than the rest of us.  There will be a day when he won't be so powerful, he'll be on the receiving end of the horrible laws he's put forth.

It's up to the rest of us to educate him before he sees the impact of his stupidity with regard to civilian life.  There will be a day when he'll be too old to fix his mistakes.

I need to find a group to fight the crazy lefty gun laws.  They only see the kids dying at schools due to their lack of caring enough to help put together a safety plan.  Banning guns won't prevent gun shootings at school.  We need to look at safety processes in public schools.

The Democrats are too stuck on that trauma to see that gun control leads to genocide.  Take it from someone raised by a Cherokee step-father and a German-Jew grandmother.

As they say, those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
.
Love ya,


S.

Next day edit:  I was in class and asked to draw trauma from my life.  Most of my trauma involved death or severe bodily injury...

murder of my mom...

my step-dad shooting the cat...

my step-dad playing Russian Roulette with my sister and killing himself....

My aunt's cancer that took her life (we were close, I lived with her when I was a toddler)….

My rapist and the downhill spiral of his life which he blamed me for (it was my fault, I told his wife)…

A very short relationship in which I was put in the hospital on a weekly basis....

The only thing sticking in my mind is my ex-husband's abuse and his family's stalking.....

When I drew it, I found myself drawing a police car in front of my house.

Sure.....the police department never wanted to take reports

-but-

two years before it became very frightening,

they stationed police cars outside of my house on a daily basis (between 2009-2010).

I thought it was because I was an activist.

I learned, after the election in 2011, that they station police cars in front of homes of citizens they are worried about.  It serves a dual purpose as it gives the police a place to do paperwork and gives a potential victim peace of mind.

It bothered me.  There was one day when I spied the police car running and no police around.

I was frightened that something had happened to the officer and called dispatch.

The Sargeant explained that everything was okay.  I asked them to stop parking in front of my home.

They've never been here since that day.

I realize now what was going one -

they knew more than I did about the situation based on my ex's employment with the city.

The problem, though, is that he never smacked me around or beat me up.

He hit walls.

He had his family and friends threaten me in public.

When I ignored all of this, they harassed the most vulnerable people in my life (elderly people and clients).

That was when I had to give up my life to keep the peace.

Winning via control is temporary.  An abuser cannot keep someone down forever.

Even after I had him removed from the house, I still didn't want to believe my ex was behind it.

With each obnoxious email and court case, the realization that he is behind it became stronger.

I now know that he is having difficulty ceding control.

There are days when.....

I truly want to put some of my forbidden knowledge to use.

I've been fighting that urge for the past week.  There is no need for me to hex, curse or wish ill upon a control freak with stalking tendencies.  Their own evil behavior will lead them to ruin faster than anything I or any dark ritual could do.

I decided today to simply pray.  I pray all of the players see the beauty of the divine within them.

Someday I'll donate money to that former councilwoman who sent me a message.  She simply wrote

"I hope better for you."

She may not have been aware of the illegal behavior on the part of the City Attorney's office.  She doesn't understand that taxes can have negative implications for the lowest income earners in society and that playing shell games with the general fund cause distrust among citizens.

She's not stupid nor is she uncaring.

With that in mind, I wish the same for her.

Namaste,

Siegfred

Honest Lawyers

Today I am thankful for honest lawyers.

So....I met with a lawyer today.

I'm going to give him a rave AVVO review because....well....he's honest.

He gave me free advice, which is rare and spent about 50 minutes with me.   My ex has been emailing me wanting the tax credit.  I learned today that despite signing an agreement he can take it every other year, he cannot so long as the kids live with me the majority of the time.  He can also never take it if he is in arrears.

That is worth the good review.  I would have paid a consultation fee for the answer to that question.

The lawyer looked at my divorce decree, the parenting plan and the contempt citations.

I'll need a $10,000 retainer.  It may cost upwards of $20,000 to proceed.

He said there are reasons why the cost will be so high -

I expected to hear the reasons as

"the other party doesn't cooperate (which runs up costs)."

I didn't hear that.

I heard "he can try to claim parental alienation" because of the day he gave me a couple of hours notice and expected me to drop out of class to drive them to a theater to wait for him.  He didn't want to pick up the kids.  I have to bring them.

I couldn't cut class.  If I did, I wouldn't have a job.

The other reason made me laugh.

It was

"[My ex-husband's] family is crazy."

The lawyer pointed out something my ex put in the parenting plan forbidding me from allowing the kids to meet his relatives without his consent.

I replied, "he claims his relatives are dying off."

Which they, allegedly, are.

I realize now, my ex was behind the stalking.  If his relatives met our adult children, the relatives may reveal information that would be damaging to the image the kids have of their father.  This is probably why my ex put that in the order.  People who do not talk cannot compare notes.

His relatives are probably just as victimized as we were.

I understand where the lawyer is coming from.

Too many lawyers and judges have been attacked and shot at in the past.  When I was kid, we didn't have heavy security in the courthouse.

Now we do.

I thought that was brutally honest.

***I left with the impression that a narcissist can pretend to be an alcoholic and he will be able to skate out of child support.  He won't have to pay back any of the $67,000 he owes me in judgments plus an additional $9,000 in child support arrears.

He's free.  It would be a losing proposition.  If one is willing to turnip-ize himself, there is little I can do.

I don't think he can successfully claim parental alienation.  He sent me an email last year thanking me for having the kids wish him a happy birthday.

I didn't ask them to do it this year due to the bizarre emails I received from him.  His anger makes him dangerous.

The lawyer gave me other names.

I know of a couple of divorce coaches, I'll ask their opinions.  One of them is coaching me as to the ways one can educate lawmakers about domestic violence and the divorce process.

Maybe I can ask her opinion on the names of lawyers who are less skittish.

As for my ex,

It's a good thing I'm religious.

It looks like I'm back at square one....relying on my faith.

You know, as I dug through the piles and piles of divorce documentation, I found four letters from my ex.  He'd write me letters before we divorced after he screwed up and left the house.  In these letters, he'd promise me the moon and the stars.  He'd promise that the stalking would stop and that he'd get therapy.

Of course, that didn't happen while he was in the house.  The weird thing about the letters is that he actually admits to telling his family inappropriate things about me.  He also admits that this led to the stalking.

I am incredibly thankful that I didn't share those with the lawyer.  The whole situation is crazy.  Those letters can never be construed as truth but they are good for me to refer to when I'm getting emails calling me a crazy liar by claiming I'm making up the stalking incidents.

The things that happened in that relationship are so crazy, that talking about it makes me sound insane.  This lawyer did one very kind thing for me today - he let me know that  he's in family law and that he's heard worse.

I feel sorry for the people behind those unshared stories.

So, the remainder of the day will be devoted to my hunting down therapists for the kids.  I want them to grow up to kick men who play games to the curb quickly so they don't get caught up in expensive traps.

And, I'll light some of my religious candles, too.

Love ya,

S.

***Disclaimer:  I will say that narcissistic people have a bizarre charisma about them that allows them to get away with stuff.  I will also say that 90% of us do not have that type of charisma.  If you have a conscience, don't try to under-employ yourself or act like a loser to get out of your responsibilities. Most people cannot get away with that kind of crap so it's not worth trying.

A Disturbing Daydream

Today I am thankful that I make notes of the little sensations I have during slow moments. 

At around 11:11, I felt an old presence next to me.  I felt the sensation of someone tussling my hair and felt a kiss on my forehead.

In a moment it was gone.

I've had these sensations in the past when people I've loved had passed.

As of this writing, I know of no one who is dying.

That's not true, I have a half-sister who is dying.  I've never met her. When we were kids, she refused to speak to me.  She reached out a couple of months ago but I've not been able to connect with her given school and work.   She's my age.  It's upsetting for me to realize that my birth stole her father away from her.  He was married to her mother legitimately.  He lied about his name on the marriage certificate with my mom.  As hard as my life was, it's hard to imagine the pain my sister is in.

I need to carve out a day to spend time with her.

My aunt had a near death experience two weeks ago.  I work for her doctor and I know he'll do everything in his power to keep her alive.  She's alive and kicking now....I mean truly, obnoxiously kicking.

I am at a loss as to who my subconscious mind is worried about.

I'm fairly certain recognize the presence.

It was male.

I could be wrong.

I pray it was a fluke.

Love ya,

S.


Edit: Sunday 11/11/2018 (in numerology, the date translates to 11-11-11) It's Sunday.  I've visited the pagan store, bought my ritual oils and am praying.  I know numerous people in California.  Some have not checked in since the wildfires.  I'm nearing the point of reaching out to each and every silent friend I have out there.

It'll break my heart if someone I care about is spending time at a shelter tonight and living in fear and discomfort.

Love you lots,

Siegfred

Edit: Thursday 11/15/18 - so far, so good.  Nearly everyone is accounted for. Whew!

It's good to be wrong.


Hugs,

S.

The Impact of Gaslighting: Confidence Erosion

Today I am thankful that the ratio of assholes to kind people in my life is around 1 in 50. 

I am also thankful for the insight of a former supervisor, a local politician and my current supervisor.

I found my dream job.  This job was one I wanted since I was seventeen years old.  I've always wanted to work on a suicide hotline.  It started after I was sexually assaulted and didn't where to turn.

I always wanted to be like the voice on the other end of the line.

*****

A little over a year ago, I lost my job and went to a political meeting to complain about my neighbors being evicted and made homeless over the parking in front of my home.  I mentioned to the man who would become mayor that I had time to engage in politics because I had no job and thought that a volunteer gig would keep me out of trouble.

He suggested that I consider getting a job on a crisis line.  I never thought they paid.  He told me that they did.

Of course, I'm a dolt.  I didn't believe him.  As a single mom not getting child support, I needed money so I put it off.

Now, of course, I owe the taxpayers at least $2,700.00 so I started to look into ways I can volunteer to pay it back, so to speak.  I don't really owe the money, it was a gift from the taxpayers because I'm poor.  The city paid to cut down a tree on the property line.

I may be cash poor but there are things I can offer.

A decent human being will strive to pay it back.

I liked the idea of working on a crisis line so much, that I went back to school to brush up on my skills.  I should finish with my classes by mid-January.

Enter the perfect job, answering calls on a crisis line.

It pays less than what I make now at my temp job.  I only get 24 hours per week (which is better than the 18 I'm promised at the health care company I work at now).

If I hold the job for two years, I will be able to sit for the Addiction Counselor Licensure examination.

When I read of that job, I reached out to three of my former supervisors at call centers and a psych professor and asked for references.

I am lucky that they all agreed.

*****
Now, last week, I had to contact my ex to ask permission to get our kiddo a counselor.  During the divorce, I agreed to give him joint custody and it is illegal for me to get her psychiatric care without his permission.

This has opened up a barrage of hateful emails which, basically, call me mentally ill for talking about his family's stalking.  They've been harassing me since 1992. I didn't call it stalking until 2011, after one of my ex's relatives roughed up the billing clerk at my office building.

He told me that I had no evidence of the stalking and that I was making it all up.  He told me that the proof was that I didn't get a restraining order.

He went on and on telling me that I'm insane and that no one believes me.  He went on to state that he plans on cutting the child support further.  He also stated that he wouldn't see the kids because of my "allegations of stalking" and that I needed to have them call him between 11:00 am and 1:00 pm on days they are in school (it is NOT going to happen).

I think I'm being set up to be accused of parental alienation.

It's now to the point where I have to take out a $5,000 loan to hire an attorney to deal with his abuse.

A strange thing happened when he started to criticize me.  I started to doubt my reality.

I literally had to find the box where I stored the threatening phone messages and letters from his family.

I had to make sure that I still had the depositions from the city where the attorney stated he took time off from work to pick me up (how he knew where I would be is bizarre).

I had to make sure I had documentation from the therapists, names of police officers, emails from my insurance company, pictures, the cameras that I had recording the area around my computers, various screenshots of his computer attaching itself to my computers, my phone records and the numerous other things that I had collected over the years.

I nearly wrote to the psychiatrist friend who was with me when my ex watched us drink coffee in 2009.  I don't think Tom remembers the two people watching us eat lunch on 1-11-11 (Doug and Shannon - my sister-in-law and her fiancée).  I doubt Steve will vouch for Shannon watching us drink tea on 11-26-13.

Thankfully, there are other people.

I can always find my former office mates, too.  I'm sure there is still documentation in my educational file from graduate school documenting Shannon trying to get a job in the psychology department circa 2002 to "force [me] to talk to her."  I probably still have the email of one of my professors warning me.  Of course, the other professor still lives across the street from me.

I'm not sure if the DA's office still has information pertaining to my internship and harassment by my ex's friend while I was working (how his friend knew I worked there is beyond me....okay, my ex told his friend...this friend murdered his infant daughter so I did not want to talk to him and risk him getting away with it - he managed to get away with murder....sadly).

My family has been around for quite a bit of it.  I know they can describe his relatives following us around on numerous occasions.

I know what happened.  He knows what happened.  If he doesn't understand how transparent it is, all I have to do is remind the judge that he refused to move out of my home for 3 years, 2 months and 5 days after he was court ordered to leave despite numerous attempts at mediation and notices posted on the door.

If that doesn't say obsessive stalker, I really don't know what does.

That is part of our divorce record.  After that bs, I KNOW he was behind all of the stalking (especially after he admitted to telling his cousin where to find me and learning that she shared it with the rest of the family).

The only reason I didn't get a restraining order against him is that I didn't want to be accused of custody interference.  If the emails don't stop and if the harassment ensues, I may have to get one.

Sad, isn't it?

******

I am finding myself questioning everything that I do.  I double check the clock to make sure I'm on time.  I re-read instructions to make sure I'm not messing up.  It's as though I do not trust myself.

My current supervisor called me out on it.

A former supervisor mentioned that I lacked confidence while my ex was in my house.

That was a light bulb moment.

I can't afford my ex's bs any more.  I really shouldn't have to endure harassment when I'm trying to honor the court orders.

I'd rather not have to hire an attorney and get a restraining order.

Right now, I have to find $700 for school testing fees for the kids.  I really don't have time or money to engage his baloney.

*******

That is an interesting insight, isn't it?  Abusers and gaslighters cause us to doubt our reality and then, in turn, cause us to lose our confidence.

Sigh.....

There is no reason to tolerate crap from any one.  I should be glad he's far away because if he's engaging in mind-fuckery with me, just imagine what he'd do to the kids.

I'm back to interviewing attorneys and looking for a second mortgage to pay the legal fees.

This is insane.

Stay away from abusers.  They do you no good.  We are responsible for our own happiness. They are responsible for their own happiness.  If they claim you're a bad person or if they blame you for their own shenanigans, get away from them and let them find someone else to pin their bad behavior on.

The further you get away from an asshat, the more clarity you will receive about the situation.

Love ya,

S.