Videos Describing BPD

Today I am thankful for YouTube.

Here is a video from Pink, the song is "Please Don't Leave Me."  I've got to say, it really depicts the confusion of the push-pull nature of a relationship with someone who has borderline traits.

It's kind of triggering.  I wonder if Pink was trying to explain how it felt to be Borderline.  Is she?  Is she just incredibly insightful?  Wow....it's amazing how many musicians are great psychology teachers.

I find this video powerful.

It is helping me process the relationshit I endured with Steve.

It was like the games were meant to break me down so he could try to tell me how much he loved me.  I am realizing that spending time with him was like going into another world, another state of being where social norms and customs did not belong.  I never knew what to expect.  Towards the end, I noticed that I was always nervous and anxious around him.   I should have paid closer attention to the way my body responded to his presence. 


I never knew what was going to happen.  I never knew what would upset him.  I never knew what I could do or say.  I never knew what he was going to do or say.  I never knew what was going to happen.  I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I was always waiting for something small to set him off and make him break him break up with me. 

It was like I was transported to another world when we were alone.  That world was most likely Steve's private hell.  I wonder if he lives there? 

Steve's games were not so physical.  He was more of an emotional and verbal abuser. 

It got to the point that I actually doubted who I was.

Was I a political activist?

Steve told me that I was a fake and a fraud who never did anything.

I have newspaper clippings.  I have a little name tag from my mayoral run.  I have a receipt for a $500 fine that I had to pay when my ex forgot to report the finances for our PAC.

Was I a hypnotist?

Steve told me that I was horrible at NLP because a real covert-hypnotist wouldn't let a stalker bother her.

Oh....I have to keep my guard up until I know Michael's family is done stalking me.

I wish he understood.

Sometimes fear is useful. 

He criticized nearly everything he could.

I haven't seen him since September 2nd.  To this day, I still hear his voice criticizing my driving in the car.  I use NLP techniques to make him sound like a chipmunk in my head.  I use transpersonal visualizations to cut the perceived energetic cords. 

In my mind, I still hear him criticizing my friends.  I remember them telling me to dump the idiot and ignore him.  He often attacked them in Facebook rages.  I still feel a lump in my throat when a text message alert sounds.  I still hate answering the phone.  I still jump when someone knocks at the front door. 

When does it end? 

Maybe it'll end when 90 days passes after his last contact.  I stopped posting to Facebook recently because he was using a pseudonym to post obnoxious messages to my Facebook page. 

*****
I re-watched the video.

Wow.....this IS how it feels to be the non in a relationship with a borderline.  You feel trapped.  It's hard to leave because they have ways of making it feel like you are the problem in the relationship.  I was the problem.  They can behave in the most evil ways but look at you with the face of an innocent child the moment you bolt towards the door. 

He would act as if there was only one problem in the relationship.  If only I would have kicked my ex out of the house, the relationship could work.  He would claim the weirdest stuff.  He'd break up with me, claiming that I was a sociopath and then come back wanting me back.  Every three weeks, there was another crazy claim.  He'd threaten to stalk me because he "worked" for the CIA.  Later, he would claim that I was spying on him because I worked for the CIA.  The last text message I allowed him to send was a threat to have me committed for my "sociopathy."  The biggie was my refusal to kick my ex out of the basement apartment; that was the reason Steve often used to excuse his nasty behavior towards me.  I didn't think too much of it.  I knew Michael would leave in his own time.




Like kicking a man with a stalking family out of the house would solve anything.  It would make everything worse!  Time presented us with a solution.  It was a damn good solution.  No one got hurt!

I quit trying to please Steve when I realized that nothing I did would help. 



Towards the end, he, his dad, and his daughter started making fun of my car.  To this day, I am fearful of dating.  I do not feel worthy of being with anyone until I can get a less embarrassing car. 

I'm trying to get Steve's nastiness out of my head.


When relationships cause you to feel crappy, it's okay to get some time for yourself.  It's okay to leave. 



If you are with someone who thinks it is cute to play head games and then shame you, guilt trip you, or threaten you to get you to come back....


RUN! 

I often came back to stop his incessant defamation on Facebook. 


He'd lie. 


In talking to other women, I learned that he did that to try to get their attention.  He was on the prowl.  He'd lie about me to get sympathy.  He'd try hitting on them.  I wonder how far that flew?

I get it now. 


How sad.


The worst part about that is that when he'd act up, men would hit on me. 


I have a hottie from Los Angeles visiting my hometown in the next few weeks.  He wants to see me.


He's an actor.  He's a guitar player.  He's a recording artist.  I met him in 2010.  I hypnotized him into getting over his ex back in 2011. 


He gives me bass guitar and recording advice. 


He's beautiful.


I'm in hiding. 


I don't think I'll ever date again......ever.


In fact, I am beginning to find myself attracted to women.


I've got to say....it takes a special kind of jerk to make me want to be with a chick. 


Steve was sooo bad - he ruined me for any man.   I do not want a repeat of that experience.

Borderlines do not get better until they get treatment.



If they have an incompetent therapist, it may never end.  You don't know how many times I contemplated reporting Steve's therapist to DORA.  He would attack me over things she allegedly said about me.  Many times he would write these things his therapist "said" about me on Facebook.



It was slander at its worst. 

I realized too late what was going on with Steve.  He told me that his therapist had diagnosed him as a Schizoid.  Schizoid's don't typically want sex, relationships or as much social recognition as Steve demanded.  


I thought she was a bad therapist.  Steve would brag about trying to get one over on his therapists and make them look foolish (something some people with BPD do).  I'm shocked she didn't deal with his paranoia better.  I'm sure his drinking muddled the issue somewhat.  She's probably trying to deal with the addiction before helping him learn social skills. 


It was his last smear campaign that made me realize that he was a Borderline who probably swung into Schizoid behavior due to emotional repression whenever he lost a relationship due to the emotional instability. I never did report her to DORA because I realized that Steve was repeating the lies in his head and triangulating her into our relationship.






I never knew if she actually said that I was abusing him, lying about him, and pretending to be a victim to hook him into a relationship


-or-


if she said that he was abusing me, lying about me, and pretending to be a victim to hook me into a relationship


and he projected his behavior on to me.


I don't know. 


I am hoping that the more time I have away from Steve, the more clarity returns to my thinking.


******

I think the cure from Steve's garbage is being too busy to think. 

My business is picking up. 


I actually applied for a job as a patient advocate at the practice Steve's shrink works. It's a big consortium of medial providers across the state.  The odds are that I'll never meet this person face to face.


I hope she realizes what she is dealing with.  People with Borderline traits have a tendency to sue their therapists.  They tend to misread little things and blow them out of proportion.  They tend to believe the lies in their head.  That is what gets them into trouble. 

*****




Enjoy the video. 


If anyone treats you like that.....run....run.....run.....and never look back.


True love doesn't cause people to act psycho.







Love ya,

S.

Edit:  I have to ask myself why I'm letting this bother me so darn much. 


I think I know why. 

I want to know why some people get the disorder and other people don't. 


Why did my sister get it?  


Why didn't I?


Why does Steve act like that? 

Why doesn't his sister?


Why did Shannon become narcissistic when her brother William, my former brother-in-law, did not?  


Why do some people get personality disorders while people who share the same genetic makeup don't? 






I do find this intriguing.

If we can find the answers, we can prevent future generations from enduring this pain. 


We have to have hope.

Neon Goldfish

Today I am thankful for neon goldfish.

I was so busy crying over the fool's goldfish that I didn't realize that they came in other colors.

I forgot that there were fish who were so busy managing their own business that they leave yours alone.  That's what I want.  Someone too busy to try to control me.  He can swim with me.  He can frolic in the waters. 


Wow.....

 

I guess it's time to get out there and see the other fish in the pond.

It is time to become a  pescetarian. 


Yum....


I guess I am used to puffer fish.  The kind that puff themselves up to be something they are not.  They pretend to have done things that they didn't do and then they criticize you because you have actually done things in your life.  Steve would call me a liar when I spoke about my political adventures. 


You know?  He's an IT guy.  All he has to do is go to Google. 


If he ever made it to my bedroom, He'd know that I have a shelf full of old newspapers.  I never clip the articles.  I just put the papers on the shelf. 


Steve is a puffer fish. 






*****

I did find something helpful on a website for men who have been abused by women with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I don't want a link here but I'll tell you how to find it (shrink----4-----men without the dashes).   My sister was given that diagnosis back in 2001.  I'm positive that this his Steve's label (the one he refused to share with me). 

 

I could go into it, if you want -or- I can talk about ways to look at relationshit so you don't find yourself putting up with it.  To be sure, this diagnosis is more common among women, men tend to get saddled with Anti-social Personality Disorder diagnosis. 

 

Yes, Steve technically fits the sociopathic Antisocial Personality diagnosis due to his arrest record -but- the difference between an Antisocial and a Borderline is the mindset.  Anti-social is a bona fide personality disorder, Borderline is a dysregulation of emotions and can be helped with re-parenting and social skills training.   The defining factors of Borderline Personality Disorder is the belief that "thoughts are things" and "thoughts are facts".....if they think it, it is reality.  That causes a lot of harm in relationships.  The other defining characteristic is their constant tests.

 

 

Borderlines test people to prove their loyalty.  They literally put you in a no-win situation, whether they sell your concert tickets and replace them with a set that causes you to be alone for the show-or- you catch them lying about you on social media as to embarrass you in public, you are being tested.

• If you fail the test by objecting to their treatment of you, you don't love them enough.
• If you pass the test, by forgiving and forgetting - they'll complain that there is something "wrong with" you because you lack "self-respect."
  Steve actually threatened to have me committed because there was "something medically wrong with [me]".  This is why I blocked him.  Seriously?  I work with shrinks on a daily basis.  In my real life, I'm a therapist.  If I had a medical diagnosis, one of my colleagues would have made a referral.  Part of being a therapist is having a therapist, too.  Steve never understood that.  He'd be offended when I saw my shrink. 

As I read through the stories of people victimized by Borderlines, the no win situations stand out for me. 



The psychotherapist, at the site mentioned above (shrink.....4.....men....com....without most of the dots), wrote something that I'll paraphrase for you.  This pretty much sums up my relationship with Steve the puffer-fish.  I'm sure there are feminine puffers out there, too. 





If you're a guy who has a girlfriend who is always criticizing, airing her dirty laundry in public (but not allowing you to do the same), stealing, cheating, and playing you like a fiddle.....I would highly suggest that website.   If you're still ruminating over a nasty chick like that, read the articles, too.  It will be cathartic. 


Borderline men and women play "shit games" with their partners, in order to test their love and devotion to the relationship.  If we opt not to play, we are accused of not loving them.  Borderlines do not understand that people who love one another do not engage in "shit games."



I am finding this analogy be quite helpful.  There were so many games.....so many childish, time wasting games.  Really, the only games that I want are in the bedroom.  Let's see how many licks it takes to get to the center of the lollipop types of games.  I don't particularly like other kinds of head games as they leave me uninspired.



Steve wanted a woman younger than half his age.  He would talk at length about that.  It was a weird day when a twenty-something lady called me to tell me that he hit on and abused her during our relationship. When she complained that he threatened to post nude photos of her online, I became concerned.  I sure hope she is okay. 

I guess I dodged a bullet. 


May you find the love and kink you deserve.  It's a great feeling knowing that you do not have to settle for someone who is orange. 

Go for the glow!


Love ya,

S. 

 

Creepers

Today I am thankful that some creepers are awfully dumb.....

okay, they can be.....

 just awful. 

It would seem that the craziness has moved away from Facebook and to other social networking websites.  The worst appears to be LinkedIn.

Not too long about I got a contact request from some guy named

LuvUBy Earnest. 

Seriously? 

This morning, on another social network, a request came in from

M. AboutALuv

Maybe the law they past years ago which stated that parents couldn't leave the hospital without naming their babies has backfired horridly.  Maybe mothers are so drugged up when they sign those birth certificates that the kids get saddled with funky monikers that sound like a good idea when Mommy is doped up on Percocet.

It could also be that someone is effing with me.

I don't know.

******Updates******

I am finally at peace. 

Michael is gone.

He's in Portland and complaining about the mildew smell.


He will make a few trips back here.  I promised to pick him up from the airport.


It's the least I can do.  

*****

I realized that my in-laws are lying about Shannon having "back and lady part" cancer.  They sent an email asking Michael to call them (probably to get his phone number).  I had our numbers changed due to phone harassment.

Michael doesn't have a home address nor does he have a personal phone.  He travels A LOT! The only phone he has belongs to his company.  If Shannon starts harassing him, he could lose his job (or any possibility of helping them financially).  I would highly suggest sending a letter to his last address or giving him an email address.  I personally fear that if they are unable to get to Michael, they will start harassing me again. 


If I were a Christian stalker with stage four cancer, I'd be asking for forgiveness.  I'd apologize and admit to what I had done.  That's just me.  The lies, the stalking and the harassment ruined careers.  It ruined a marriage.  It broke up a family.  I'm pretty that the stalking is why Michael relocated.  There is a special place in hell for people like that.




I don't believe Shannon has cancer.  My former in-laws lie A LOT.   They do it to gain sympathy. 

At least I hope it is not true.  I wouldn't want my worst enemy dying that way, no matter how much shit she has pulled.

A creeper is a creeper is a creeper.

The cancer diagnosis is probably a ruse.

I'm on heightened alert because they are fishing for something.  It could be that they were getting information by looking at my Facebook page but since I quit posting, they need to get their information some other way.  Narcissists control other people with information.  I've cut the source.  

Yes, I have a new alarm system.  It would appear that I got it just in the nick of time.   I have also decided NOT to answer the door for people I don't know anymore.  Something is up.  It's best to be safe rather than sorry. 


Edit Sometime later:  Shannon is a mini-celebrity in the weight loss world as she claims to have lost 340 pounds in three years (the number escalates with each telling...so that may have changed).  She's been on the Today Show and in the national newspapers.  She has a health blog, Twitter and Facebook feed.  In those, she writes about other people having lung cancer....not herself.  I'm going to breathe a sigh of relief on this one.  It looks like she just got back from vacation. 

Someone is fibbing.  That's not a bad thing.  Thank goodness.

Yeah, Shannon's weight loss is pretty startling.  I'm impressed.  She's really pretty, more so now.  Her mother used to withdrawal and make people feel guilty for not over-eating at family functions.  I don't know how Shannon overcame that but that is a really big deal!   I was hoping that her notoriety would have stopped the stalking.  It didn't.  Her access to money only made it more high tech. 


If she had cancer, I am pretty sure that she'd run to the media to see if she can inspire other people to make positive choices.  This is a ruse.  

*****

I haven't heard back from Jose.  I still do not know where my granddaughter is.  I am still pissed off that my daughter is lying about her whereabouts. 

So....

I am wresting with the thought of calling the authorities to check on a little girl living with a group of illegal immigrants. 

A raid?

That will traumatize the poor cutie.

It'll traumatize me.

Mark my words: If you are in this country illegally, teach your kids to respect the laws of this nation (which is hard to do since you are technically breaking an unfair law simply by being here in the first place).

If your kids break the law and flee to your home, you could be caught due to their stupidity.  Do not let your son knock up a young woman, beat her while pretending to be the victim of violence before running off with their child across state lines.

If I call the police, Jose's illegal parents will probably be shipped back home.  Jose used to brag about refusing to sponsor them for citizenship because it's the only way he can manipulate them into doing stuff for him.  If the laws were different, I'd sponsor them myself.  It would help open up the lines of communication. 

Arlington is not a sanctuary city.  I have it on good authority that the governor of Texas has no sympathy for the plight of illegals.


******

A woman was arrested yesterday because her baby died at the hands of her abusive boyfriend.  She's in jail on a $250,000 bond. 

Our first jobs as mothers is to protect our children. 

Somehow I failed to teach that to my daughter. 


******

I'll let you know what I decide to do. 

It'll probably involve summoning a demon. 

Okay....I'm joking. 

Every once in a while, I have to make Pagan jokes. 

Just because.....people think we are demon worshipers and all. 

You caught me. 

Love ya,

S.

My Stalkerish Ex Found Our Grandchild

I never thought I would say this,


ever......


here goes....


okay....


{{{ big breath in }}}.....

today I am thankful for my ex-husband's stalker skills.

It only took him three minutes. 


Three minutes....

My ex-husband found the home in Arlington where my grandchild was presumably taken. 


Her father's real name is Jose but on Facebook he is m3nage.a.trois. 

Using a Google search, that user name connects to a guy named A.J.  

On Google+, A.J. posted a picture of my grandchild on a rose and ribbon printed pillowcase that I had bought for her mother several years ago.


Looking through his contact list, A.J. has a brother named Hans. 


Hans and A.J. have a sister named Melissa and a father named Ignacio. 



They share the same address.  According to tax records, the house is owned by Ignacio. 



Ignacio lives at 20*1 Edgehill **.  I have a phone number, too.



So.....



it's time to see if I can get social services involved.  


Maybe.....there is another way. 


*****
None of them have posted a recent photo of the child. 


I'm worried. 

Maybe my daughter lied?  Maybe they don't have her?  If I finally got to see a young relative, especially if I were an aunt, I'd be posting pictures. 

Let me see how to proceed. 


Let me see what I can do without being too nosey.  It would be easier if people would just tell the truth, wouldn't it? 

I'm feeling hopeful.  Maybe I can confirm the health and well-being of the child within the next day.


It would seem, at first blush, that Jose faked a domestic violence incident (by ripping his shirt in his car) in order to get custody of his daughter.  Within a week, he was in Texas and my daughter refused to say where her three year old daughter was.


I hear bits and pieces from other relatives.  Someone witnessed my daughter talking to the grandchild on Skype but the room was dark and the child was crying out "mommy". 

Why was the room dark?

Some people claim my daughter signed away custody to Jose.

Others claim she signed a contract letting him take her for 180 days.

I wish she'd tell the truth. 

*****


I'll try to hunt down Jose's email.  He used to like to call himself the MexicanVato (meaning a Mexican man who means business). 

I mean business.   I'm just an old Irish lady. 

I'll shoot a little tiny shot across the bow to see if Jose answers me.  I'll send him an email inquiry. If he has the child, tells me what is going on and lets me speak to the child ....I won't say a word.


If he ignores me and/or blocks me, I'll go to the Arlington Police Department and Tarrent County Social Service Department. 

His parents are illegal aliens.  According to Facebook, he's living with them.  I KNOW they don't want that kind of trouble.

If I have to go that far, I'll give his address to the local police department, too.  They're looking for him.  They have to subpoena him so he can talk about how the rip got in his shirt. 


Maybe this will all be settled by tomorrow. 

******


It bothers me that people will lie about a child's whereabouts for 90 days and believe that NO ONE will notice that she is not around. 


Really? 



And here is a hint for parents who want others to mind their own business: If someone asks you how your child is doing, say "fine" or give a small anecdote.  Don't start screaming and cursing.  It is a red flag.   



And here is a hint for the children of illegal aliens: DON'T BREAK THE LAW or do anything suspicious!  It'll open up a can of worms you would rather keep shut.



Oh.....I should probably warn Jose to hide his tin of marijuana.  It's illegal in Texas.  He was terrified it would get him arrested in a state where it is legal to have up to one ounce of recreational pot, so I would assume that he has quite a bit of the stuff.  



Love ya,

S. 

In Memory of Baby Beth

Today I am thankful that I realized why I vomit when I think of my missing granddaughter.

I've had trouble holding down food since August. 

Now, after visiting the doctor, I understand that there was a medical condition that was causing it.  That was resolved in October in the saddest way possible.  It was resolved. 

The vomiting began again in November, after my daughter started talking about her kiddo being with her dad. 

Now, at first, I didn't really blink about it.  I was worried about the little girl because of the craziness of her family life, the violence in the home, and the threats of her father to take her to live with his undocumented alien parents in Dallas.

I didn't know that her dad had followed through with his threat and taken her out of state. 

I figured that he was just having some type of daily daddy time.  The more evasive my daughter became about their daughter's whereabouts, the more sick I became.


When I learned that she had been out of state for 90 days, I fell ill.  When I was told he would probably have her six months, I became worried.  She could lose residency here and my daughter could lose the chance to see her. 

When I think of it, I throw up. 

I'm not joking. 

When I asked my daughter when the child would return and received a series of rude text messages that would rival the content of many Jay Z songs.....I became frightened.  My daughter doesn't talk like that.

So.....my ex-husband said that he had a private investigator track the child's father down to Texas.  The trail grew cold in Arlington. 

Now that I think of it, my ex could have tracked the man down.  His family is full of stalkers.  They should be able to locate the kiddo in no time.  Why am I worried? 

I have a famous Voodoo Queen from New Orleans praying for the little girl. 

I figure that it couldn't hurt. 

******

In meditation today, I remembered baby Beth.  I remember how she looked at her funeral. 

At that memory, I found myself stifling vomit.   

She was 18 months old.  In her casket, she was so swollen that she looked like an obese four year old. 

The caretaker did a decent job hiding the bruises but the thought that someone beat her to death made me sick. 

Her death touched many people in the community.  At the funeral, we sat surrounded by politicians and media personalities.  One reporter would be sued by the father for telling the truth, the father needed to be investigated.  The message was clear, the father would sue anyone who tried to get to the truth. 

The reporter was right on the money.  Intuitively, I know who did it.  The DA said that there was no proof. 

******

Beth was born three days after my twenty-sixth birthday.  I remember the phone call.  I remember looking out the window of our rental home on a retro blue dial phone talking to her father and taking the news for Michael.  Michael called her dad Dopey because he did a lot of drugs and had a tendency towards making stupid decisions.  Michael and Dopey had known each other since childhood.

We wouldn't hear from Dopey again for 18 months.  We never got to see Baby Beth in person.

I remember the day she died.  It was May 23, 1998.  I arrived home after spending a day in training where I took a volunteer job visiting with the mothers of newborn children.  We had moved.  I was in the kitchen of our new home.  I had a cordless phones for the first time in my life.  Dopey called and said the darndest thing. 

He said that he had just dropped Beth off at daycare and was driving to work in his truck.  He hung up before I could ask if he had dialed the right number.  Perhaps he meant to call his wife? 

The next morning, I saw the news.   Shortly after Dopey called to say he dropped his daughter off, the babysitter discovered Beth on her bed.  She was no longer breathing.

The babysitter stood trial for Beth's death.  I made the papers for blasting her defense attorney: he blamed the child's death on her brother.  If a child kills another child in daycare, the babysitter is not doing her job.  That is probably why the DA offered lesser charges towards the babysitter; by blaming the brother, she admitted guilt.

After I said my peace in the news, no one repeated the a$$hat lawyer's claim. 

I am convinced that the babysitter didn't do it. 

To this day, I firmly believe Dopey killed his child. 

I say that because he and his wife were frequent flyers in the DV system.  It was not uncommon for him to be bailed out of jail on Mondays for beating his wife black and blue.  He had nearly an entire shelf dedicated to the three files where the district attorney kept information on his crimes. 

Somehow Dopey figured out that I volunteered for the DA's office and would call me at home asking me to do things to ruin the case against him.  I wound up asking to be transferred.  I did not want to do anything to keep that joker out of jail.  Worse, my ex-husband started yelling at me when my boss called the house, so I wound up leaving my job out of embarrassment.

I was happy not to have to deal with Dopey again but sad at the same time.  I spent a lot of time tracking down the families of undocumented workers (without ID) who had died in our city.  I will never have closure.  I will never know if their bodies found their way home.  Somehow....the closure of the cases were the reward for the job. 

It pissed me off that people were protecting Dopey.  Why? 

Dopey and his wife later divorced.  The family court awarded Dopey custody of the remaining two children.  I wonder why in the world our state does not have laws that take domestic violence into account in custody litigation.  How many children have to die before we get wise to the issues at hand?  Men who abuse their wives can and do abuse their children.
*****

Dopey has called over here once in the past few years.  He wanted to let us know that his eldest son was driving.  I honestly feared that he had beaten his son to a pulp and wanted to blame it on a car crash or something. 
I can't figure out how he found my unlisted phone number.  I find it weird.  He had it!

He is one face I never want to see again. 

Beth's story is the one that fills me with the most rage. 

When I pin or write about domestic violence, I am usually thinking about Dopey. 

There are some people that I wish would fall into a pit of piranhas.  Dopey is one of them. 


He is evil.  He is pure evil.  How in the world can someone like that exist in the same world as the rest of us?  I'll never understand.

May Dopey NEVER cross my path again. 

Love ya,

S. 





Kind Congressmen & An Evasive Victim

Today I am thankful for caring house representatives. 
Three months ago, my daughter was arrested for ripping her boyfriend's shirt.  Long story short, she called me up and claimed to be barricaded in a bedroom with her three year old daughter.  I could hear him yelling about calling the police. 

I gave the phone to my ex-husband and proceeded to call the police.  The officer arrested her because her boyfriend had a tear in his sweatshirt. 


I saw the police report.  It was riddled with errors.  The officer did not consider the issue surrounding the call or the past incidents of domestic violence.  I decided to wait until after her case was over to file a formal complaint or get feedback about the process. 


*****


I was a victim's advocate 17 years ago.  I worked for another DA.  Things have changed quite a bit since then.  I'm having a hard time keeping up. 


I haven't seen my granddaughter since Thanksgiving (shortly after the arraignment).  Every time I asked about her, I hear "she's with her dad" but nothing more.  



Last Saturday, my daughter called.  I asked when I could see my granddaughter.  She blew a fuse.  I was shocked when she said that she would not talk to me until April.


She starts leaving belligerent messages for me on social media.  Then she tells her family that I am posting about her on Facebook.  Well....I don't post anymore due to an ex-boyfriend who claims the same thing......so....I don't know.


I asked her where the child is and she sent me rude, curse word laden text messages.  So......I set out to work on hunting the child down.  I was told to stop trying to find the child -but- my daughter refuses to tell me where she is or give me evidence that she is safe.  All she will tell me is that her dad took her in November.  She said that the 3 year old girl may or may not be back in April.


180 days? 

180 days without her mother? 


180 days?  She'll lose residency in this state.

Oh no.... 


My daughter is not thinking.



This feels weird. 


Who gets so defensive and angry when asked about her daughter?  Who acts like that?  There shouldn't be a reason to act like that unless something is wrong.  I'm scared for the child.



I've been trying to locate her to find out if she is okay and I've gotten nowhere.  My daughter's behavior pertaining to her child is a huge red flag.  Why lie if nothing is wrong?  Why be evasive if everything is okay? Something is off. 


I finally enlisted the help of the arresting police officer.  He did refer the matter to social services. 


Nothing......no one knows where this child is.  There is nothing on file at the municipal or county courthouse.

We've hit a dead end.  Rumor has it that her father fled with her to Texas to live with his undocumented parents.  I did find someone with her father's name in Arlington selling cell phones on Craigslist.  I think that could be him (he steals phones and sells them online). 


My neighbor is a Private Investigator.  He's going to help me try locating them.  The Arlington PD has been nice but  have no address. 


*****


Something is strange here.  A child simply doesn't go missing for 90 days without a word.  Other relatives shouldn't have to badger the mother for an answer.  A mother doesn't stay mum about it or curse people when asked how her child is.  A father doesn't simply take off to a city 1,100 miles away without preparing the child for a journey. 


I wasn't worried until my daughter started cursing about it.


I'm worried now. 


I'm wondering what in the world is really going on. 


I reported the red flags.  I will evade service as I know her lawyer will try to subpoena me to force me to stay silent and to stop me from hunting for the child and her father.  I fear for her safety.  My daughter is on her own with this one. 


I'll keep looking.

My gut instinct says that people lie when something is wrong. 

This is why I worry. 



******
I have to say that I am concerned about the sheer number of domestic violence victims who are arrested for defending themselves.  Yes, it does happen where one party will beat the other for years.  The cops can be called out and the victim will always deny what is going on and refuse to press charges.  There will come a day when the victim will fight back and the abuser will press charges for a scratch, a push, or a rip in a shirt.  


That was what I thought happened with my daughter.  After her behavior towards me, I am not so sure.  Maybe she was the aggressor?  She certainly became aggressive towards me.


I did talk to a couple of politicians about it. 


There is one working on a bill to prevent this scenario by having cops and DAs look at prior history of domestic abuse before making an arrest or proceeding with a criminal charge.


I spent the afternoon in a room with him, many county district attorneys, and victim advocates.  They can see scenarios I couldn't imagine.  I really wish my daughter would talk to them.


I tried.

This congressman wanted to talk to my daughter.  He wants to try to help women (and abused men) in her situation get their records expunged for first time offences like scratching, torn shirts, and pushes during domestic altercations. 

My daughter's reply to us was negative and curse word laden.  So......well.....so much for trying. 


I don't know.  As far as I'm concerned, a three year old little girl is missing. 


I am thankful that there are people out there trying to fight for justice and put an end to injustice.  

I'll have to earn some dough so I can make a contribution to the political coffers of these congressmen.  I need to show gratitude towards people who try their hardest to make the world a better place.



Love ya,

S.

Edit Four Years Later:  Noticing activity on this post, I thought I should state the name of and tell the fate of the kind congressman.  His name is Steve Lebsock.  He was trying to help victims of domestic violence expunge their records of frivolous charges brought by their abusers.

Two years after this post, Colorado Democrats claimed that his use of the word "Fuck" was sexual harassment and tried to pressure him to resign.  There were also various vague complaints and a so-called investigation that was so redacted that it didn't mean anything.

The House Democrats wound up breaking the Colorado Constitution (by failing to perform a new election thus denying his constituents due process) and ousted him via vote.  I wrote about it and will provide the links below.

He was more moderate than most Democrats in the house at the time.

Sadly, as predicted, more state representatives are being harassed by vague "sexual assault" allegations.  If you don't vote the way the Democrats want, you're a sexual harasser.  The latest casualty of such an assault was a woman.

It was a horrible debacle that cost us a great legislator.  The precedent that was set is going to cost us several more.

https://warpedgratitude.blogspot.com/2018/03/disgusted.html (links to the proceeding are buried in the post).

Drama End Days?

Well....today I am thankful that there may be end in sight for the drama in my life.

I've spent the past few years chronicling the stalking I've endured from my ex-husband's family.  Of all of his relatives, his sister Shannon is the worst.  She likes to follow me in public, watch me, and run around spreading lies to neighbors, coworkers and anyone else whose ear she can bend.


Well.....


I received an email from my ex-husband in which his stalking sister claims to have cancer of the "back and lady parts."  She claims to not have much time to live and wants to get into contact with him.


She didn't say what stage she had.


Now...I don't know what to think about this.


First, if it is true...this is a very sad thing.  Yes, I'm happy that she won't be stalking me anymore.  She won't have the time, the energy, or the money to do that.  I'm sad that her health the reason. 

It would be nicer to find the means by which she was getting her information and cutting access while figuring out her motive and trying to sort that out.  It would have been better if we could have ended with reason.  Yeah.....the local cops have been quick to tell me that stalking is not a reasonable crime perpetrated by reasonable people.  One cannon reason with a stalker.  It's hard for me to remember that.




I never could figure out the means and motive.  My life became a series of defensive acts meant to keep Shannon at bay. 




If Shannon does have cancer, could this change her?  Could this be a defining moment in her life? Could she grow up?  Could she see the value in living her own life and not trying to control anyone else?


I wonder.....but, I'm not sure I believe her.   The cancers described are vague.  It's not said which lady parts have the cancer.  She didn't say what stage she is in.   It was vague.  If this is the case, it could be a means to try to get my ex-husband to stay here rather than take the job in Oregon. 

He starts Monday.  I asked him how he felt about the email.  He doesn't believe it.  He thinks it is a ruse to get him to call her and let her manipulate him.  He's already agreed to take the job: her alleged diagnosis is not going to keep him here. 


For me?  I'm wondering......did I light too many black candles with wishes to make the stalking stop?

This could explain why things have been quiet since June. 


Maybe? 


Part of me hopes she is lying (for her sake).  Another part of me hopes that she is too sick to stalk. 

I wanted the stalking to end: I just didn't want anyone to die. 



We'll see. 

Love ya,

S. 

Bad Cops & Prosecutor Voodoo

Well.....

Well....it does NO good to call the police.  This is why gun control will fail in the USA.  One out of three women will have been abused in her lifetime.  One out of three of us know the cops won't help.  We have lost trust in the system. 

Today I am thankful that I know a lot of politicians.

So...to recap....my daughter was arrested in November because I called the police.  She had called me.  Her boyfriend was screaming at the top of his lungs that he was going to call the cops on her.  She and her child were barricaded in a locked bedroom. 


She was afraid to leave. 


He was behind the closed door.


I called the police. 


She told him the police were coming.  He yelled something about having pot and needing to leave.


The police arrived and arrested her because her boyfriend's shirt had a rip in it.


******


My granddaughter is missing.  No one in my family has seen her since that day.  Rumor has it that my daughter was pressured to sign an agreement to allow him to take her to his family in Texas.  They are undocumented aliens.  I fear for her safety. 

I probably should not go into my feelings about illegal aliens.  I don't like the laws we have and I have empathy for the plight of immigrants.  The laws need changed.  The problem is that undocumented aliens ARE breaking the law (often several because they have to use stolen documents and numbers to survive).  This creates a situation where some of their children seem to grow up with little regard for the law (hence beating women, stealing electronics and the other stuff my granddaughter's dad does).  


I asked my daughter when I could see my granddaughter.  My daughter answered my queries with a series of curse words in a text message.


I'm done dealing with my daughter until she can behave civilly. She did nothing to quell my fears about the grandchild's safety.  The last time I saw my granddaughter she had welts on her body.  She had bald spots.  Her parents explained it away as "allergies" and said the doctor knew about it.


Now.....after learning of the domestic violence and the behavior of the parents.  I am NOT so sure. 


It's time to be the domestic violence activist I used to be. 


******


I called the DA.  I told them what was going on.  I vowed to be at the next hearing.  I asked for the number to the victim's advocate.  I doubt she will call.


The mile high man who reeked of pot while menacing my daughter and grandchild IS the victim in the eyes of the system.   I will be incredibly angry if the decision to arrest and prosecute my daughter gave this man the ammo to take a three year old child away from her mother/primary caretaker for 90 days now. 

Anger is old lady fuel. 


In another 90 days she will be a resident of Texas and out of our jurisdiction.  I fear she will never return.  I fear something is wrong.  Why would my daughter be so evasive?  Did something happen to this little girl? 


Fear is another grandma fuel. 

I called the Congressman that represents the area where the rogue cop operates.  I don't know him. 


I haven't called the Senator for the area.  In fact, I may actually see him in the next few days.   


It's a small, small world. 


I have a call into my Senator and Congressman. 


Their cops broke the law.


There is a law on the books that requires them to look at a past history of violence.  They did.  They acknowledged that the man has a history of domestic violence but, in their report, they posit that he "chose to do the right thing THIS time."


Anyway.....I'm on it. 

******
One of the last emails Steve sent to me claimed that I was always a victim. 


No.....I AM A VICTOR! 


Victims don't consider convincing politicians to challenge badly written laws. 


He also claimed I was a drama queen....


Perhaps.....perhaps.....


It's not my drama -but- if I have to make an appearance, it is going to be memorable. 


******
If you want to read more about the issue, here is a journal that chronicles some of the issues in domestic violence.  I think the article from Susan L. Miller is quite helpful in explaining why police departments arrest the victims.  It's a little dated (from 2001) but it is an easy read and very well written.

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/2993_12vaw01

The truth is that abusers (male and female) are often quite manipulative and mentally ill.  They know how to manipulate and upend the system. 


It's a shame that cops can't look deeper.


*****




Maybe it is time we force them to run arrest and conviction records during each call so they KNOW the history before making an arrest, so they have a better picture of what is going on.  I'd hate to do that.....but.....I'll bring it up the next time I'm having coffee with my house representative.   Yeah...he never drinks the coffee.  He talks too much for that ! 


Okay...I've got to go.  I'm sure my daughter and her lawyer are going to chew my arse out.  I don't care.  You DO NOT hold a child incognito or give her to an abuser for more than a few days at a time.

She has been gone 90 DAYS!!

If I had to become a grandma at 40, I'm gonna use my energy to protect the child. 


Love ya,


S.



P.S.  Yes, I do have my brown candles out.  I'm Pagan.  I've got to pray for justice my way. 


P.S.S.  I just got a phone call.  My child's band teacher died over the weekend....sigh....he was younger than I. 


Life is NOT fair. 


I hope they are doing something for his family. 

Wow.....

Sue Happy (edit)

Today I am  thankful for options.

I am deciding on whether or not I want to be sue happy,

-or- if I want to start writing articles about the dangers of arresting victims of domestic violence,
-or- if I want to start a political ruckus.

Well....


I cannot ever be with Michael again. 


Ever......ever......EVER!


Part of the problem were lies of omissions and semantic games....




He claimed that he didn't lose his job at the city.....


he didn't lose it, he was fired.


He claimed that he was in therapy.....


he was in therapy but quit and spent Tuesday nights at McDonalds for an hour so I thought he was in therapy. 


For more than fifteen years he didn't know why his sister, mother and aunts would complain that I went to college and demand that I quit.  This eventually led to his sister stalking me on campus to tell various leaders and professors in my department that I was a bad wife for being in school and demand that they expel me......


Many years later, I would learn that when he was in his early twenties, his mother wanted him to finish college but reneged on her promise to pay.  He quit and didn't return citing a non-existent agreement with me.  He claimed that we agreed that he wouldn't go to school until I finished my doctorate.  The problem with this is that it was a lie.  I was actively seeking scholarship and financial aid for him.


He told me that he mailed his sister a key to the house and told her she could come in anytime. 


Now, of course, he claims he did no such thing and lied because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. 


He never told me he took over $55,000 from our retirement accounts.


He never told me when he took over $10,000 from my divorce settlement after he was supposed to disperse the sum to me.  According to a letter he sent to me, he owes me $14,000. 


There are a lot of lies......many of them are lies of omission.   I have to actually guess the right scenario before I can figure out what is going on. 


He did this with the eldest child.  She is a 24 year-old paralegal.  I may have to sue her for her own good.


I may have to sue a city in Colorado too.  If I cannot sue, I may just wind up moving there and running for office. 


Let me explain......


A few months ago, the eldest daughter called the house.  I have a VOIP phone line.  It has a speaker function to it. 

In this call, I could hear her live-in boyfriend scream that he was going to call the cops. 


He's menacing her.  I learn that she and their three year old daughter are barricaded in the bedroom.  He took the keys to the car.  He took the child's car-seat.  They can't leave.  He's standing outside of the room screaming


that he can call the cops on her because his shirt is ripped.  He's screaming that he wants her to know how bad it feels to get arrested.  He's going to teach her a lesson. 


I give the phone to my ex-husband so he can calm her down.  I get on my cell phone and call the non-emergency line of the police department. 


I tell them what is going on.  They send officers.  They promise to call me back.  They TELL me to stay out of it. 


Twenty minutes later, my daughter says that the cops refused to listen to her.  She wants me to come help her get her daughter to leave.  As I am on the phone with her, I hear a male voice say that she needs to hang up. 


Three hours later I get a call from the jail.  The dispatcher never calls.


Apparently, my grandchild's father, sat in his car and continued to tear a gaping hole in his shirt.  He then begged the cops to press charges against our daughter. 




He has an extensive arrest history. 
******


They want to send my daughter to trial because he is clearly the victim in the eyes of this cop.  I read the police report.  It is riddled with quite a few glaring errors.  It is quite clear that the officer lied.

 The report literally reads

"the man decided to do the right thing this time and not hit her"

Really?  What history of domestic violence are we ignoring?


Then it also goes on to say that my daughter claimed they were married for several years (which would have put her at 15 on their wedding day).


I have my notes.  I plan to file a request for review with that police department.  I have a lot of activist friends that fight this county. They hate the sheriff and are trying to get him removed.

I haven't told them what is going on.....yet.
Maybe I need to do a CORA?  Maybe there are documents pushing cops to arrest victims?  I don't know.  This isn't the first time I've heard of it in this city.  I need more information.



But....this isn't the worst of it.  I think the DA doesn't have anything on my daughter and he set the matter over for trial to try to scare her into pleading guilty. 


It's a horrible game of chicken. 

It may have irreparably damaged my daughter's relationship with her daughter.


Let me explain......


We have a highly manipulative man.....


yes, it is the same one who asked me to sleep with him (shudder, ick....WTF?)......


Let me try this again. 


We have a highly manipulative man,


who now has a weapon to control the mother of his child. 


If she doesn't sign off on what he wants, he will tear his clothing and call the cops.


So.....


She signed a statement allowing him to take her three year old daughter to the border of Texas for 180 days to live with his ILLEGAL ALIEN PARENTS. 


My daughter is a paralegal. 


She KNOWS better. 


Do you know what happens in 180 days? 


The child becomes a resident of Texas. 


All custody, child support and visitation actions would have to be filed in Texas.  In Texas, I would not have any rights to grandparent visitation. 


I do not believe in Grandparent Visitation laws.  I think they are an affront to parenting.  At this juncture, I am seriously considering selling the house and hiring a lawyer to bring the child back home. 


I can sue my daughter and her ex-boyfriend within the next ten days.  I only have 90 days to take action. 


He would have to travel 1,500 miles to answer my complaint in court.  The child would be home.  The child could see her mother. 


*****


I originally wanted to be a musician but so many people in my world were incredibly messed up so I studied social work. 


Then I noticed that the social workers didn't really understand the interplay between personal issues and familial pressures, so I went to school to study psychology. 


Most of my work revolves around child development and attachment theory.  Bad attachment...childhood trauma....being ripped from those we are close too.....well...that leads to issues like Borderline Personality Disorder.  It's a painful condition to have.  I don't want my granddaughter suffering from it.  From what I can tell, it runs on the maternal side of the family. 


I fear for my granddaughter. 


My granddaughter used to come over here, once a week, telling me that daddy says she is "bad."  There would be welts on her skin and hair pulled out of her head. 


I would literally catch her pulling her hair.


My daughter claimed to have told the child's physician.   The doctor prescribed medication for the swelling on her skin.   He or she knew about the welts.  I figured that in a mandatory reporting state, the doctor would report it to social services. 


Maybe not....


Now, my grandchild's attachment with her mother is threatened.  She is barely three.  You do NOT take a three year old from her mother for six months without some type of psychological ramification later on. 


Same goes with dads....you cannot take a young child from a parent he or she is close to for such a long period of time.


Today I get to decide if I want to invoke a law I disagree with so that I can save my daughter from her fear.  The child cannot lose residency here. 


There was talk about taking the child to live in Mexico. 


I blame a lazy police officer and an uneducated DA for giving an idiot the tools to intimidate a young woman and mess with the psyche of a child. 


If this mess does not clean up soon, I'll have to introduce myself to them.....


It'll be fun. 

I wonder if I personally know any of the state house reps for their area. 

I betcha I do. 

This could be an interesting thing to discuss over coffee or write about in an Examiner article (complete with names...the officers...their superior...the DAs....let's bring it all out in the open). 


***** 


I am also angry for another reason....


My ex-husband knew about my daughter signing this legal agreement.  So did my aunts and uncle who are literally taking bets on what this no-nonsense grandma is going to do.


I believe it is not my place to sue my daughter.  I don't stand up to her dad.  She won't stand up to her abuser, either. 


I effed up by keeping the family together for the sake of the children. 


What pisses me off is that NO ONE told me.  We wasted 90 days on this secret.  We only have another 90 days to act.   With such a short amount of time left, the odds of our action being less thought through is incredibly high.  It is much easier to maintain a sense of calm when one has more time to act. 


I actually had to explain why a man would do this to a woman and a child. 


I had to explain it several times before people understand.  


Let me explain it to you.....


First, it is intended to punish my daughter for having him arrested last year.  He's out to hurt her by taking the child away. 


He has no intention on raising the child.  His undocumented immigrant parents are doing that for him!

The police department and DA gave him this tool. 


Shame on them. 


Secondly, it was intended as a means to prove his innocence.  This guy is abusive.  No one upon no one will allow an abuser to take a child out of state for six months (unless she signed a document under duress).


Damn it! 


******
I don't know. 


I am a Libertarian.  I am well known for my views on illegal immigration.  I am not one who believes in calling ICE to report undocumented people. 


I am tempted. 


I really am. 


*****

I am also a witch. 


How does one conjure a scandal to prove ineptness on the part of a police officer and a district attorney?


Ah......that will take some time.  I bet the scandal already exists.  One just has to find it.  I wonder if I can find an angry former employee who will spill the beans?  Hmmmmm.......there are always ways to get seeds of information.....always. 


I want these idiots re-educated or removed from their posts. 


Heaven help that DA if he aspires to have a career in politics.  I will remind him of this failure every time he gives a speech. 

He'd better clean his department up or get out of town. 

I wonder if I've ever met the mayor? 
It's time to put on my networking heels. 



Love ya,

S. 


Edit sometime later:


Our daughter is acting erratically.  She's left bizarre messages for us.

Truth be told, I haven't seen my granddaughter in 80 days.  In fact, NO ONE has. Our daughter is being evasive with information.  When I ask about our granddaughter, she tells me that we'll talk about it in April.


The last time I asked she started to curse.  This is weird. 


I called my friend at the county social services.  Even on a Sunday, she listened and said that I needed to call the police department and ask them to do a wellness check on the family.


That is the problem.  If I call the police, anything our daughter says will be used against her in the domestic violence hearing (when Jose ripped his shirt and claimed she did it).


I tracked Jose to Arlington, Texas (Pipl.com rocks).  There are 55 people in that city with his name so my PI buddy is trying to find his address.  We will call social services to ask for help in determining if the child is okay and alive. 

The problem with this is that the family are illegal aliens.  This could get them in trouble. 


I sure wish someone would confirm this little girl is still alive.

It would make life less worrisome. 


I don't know....do I call the police knowing that the DA will use any information to harass our daughter?

I think I have no choice. 


I'll let you know. 

Space

Today I am thankful for space.

The universe has finally given me the space I need to get my life back. 

There is so much do think about. 

There is so much to do. 


I don't know what to share.

This is the first time in my life that I don't have a male trying to tell me what to do. 


Actually, that's not exactly true.  This is the first time that I have found myself without a relationship where I have to concern myself with trying to build a life with someone else.


First things first - I have to clean up the mess I am in.


Home repairs! 
Resumes! 
The car needs brakes!


Oh, I'm going to need a security system, too. 

I can do this.  

This is exciting.  I was terrified to look for work so long as Michael lived here because he'd tell his sister and other relatives where I was and what I was doing.

They'd stalk me and harass my cohorts.

This will not be a problem anymore.  He took a job out of state. 


I am lucky. 

I finally have the space I need to figure out my what to do with the rest of my life. 

Finally!!!!

I'll get it done. 

I'm excited. 


It's a brand new day. 

Love ya,

S.

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe. 

It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.'


Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it?


I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house. 


I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me.


He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here. 


It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve. 


*****
They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG.


Yes, they are FOG machines.


What does FOG stand for?

Fear
Obligation -and-
Guilt


Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor his financial agreements and the kids and I will end up in the street.  Fear that his relatives will harass me out of another job.  Fear that the only way to make the stalking stop is to stay here with him and make it clear that I will not see other people.


Obligation......I feel obligated to stay here for the sake of the children.


Guilt....I feel guilty for trying to leave, getting the house in the divorce, and asking for the settlement.  I am still torn about asking for the maintenance and other half of the money he took. 


Do I?   Asking for things leads to a host of other problems (e.g. stalking and harassment from his relatives).


I don't blame him.  It's just how he has learned to get his way. 
*****


I have decided to simply accept things as they are and wait it out.  That seems to be the most helpful solution.  Things are shifting.  The best possible solution has materialized out of this air. 

He's taking a job that will require him to be in Portland 60% of the time.  The truth is, I may never see him again. 


He starts in less than two weeks.  He said something about paying to install a really nice security system in the house to keep his sister away. 

Maybe this is what has to happen?
 


I will just let things.....be.




*****
So, what about dating?


I can't bring myself to do it.  I am not sure it is the right thing to do.  I feel obligated to not date until Michael finds someone.


Besides....I think I'm ugly.  I am out of shape.  I also have an issue with sex now.  I didn't have one before -but- it was a bizarre experience dating someone who insisted that I learn the right rhythm, suction, pace and movement before engaging in really super fun sexual activities.


I wonder how a man would react to such a demand?


I found myself stifled and dry.....


Very, very dry. 




Before that experience, I only had one rule. 


Try it - if it feels good and your partner likes it - try it again -with a twist.   It must be a Mars in Sagittarius thingy.  Seriously...the best thing to get me off is to surprise me.  I love it when I can surprise the man I'm with.  I can't do that if I have to keep the same rhythm, tone, movement, vocal volume.....it's like trying to make me into some sort of boring drone. 


After that last relational experience.....my rule is....it's better to be alone than to get excited and criticized over it.


I honestly don't believe I'll ever attempt to have sex again. 


*****


In step the Gods, right on cue....




There is a lawyer here in town.  He's seven years older than I.  He has cinnamon-sugar hair and a beard. 


He does a lot of marketing on the free advice forums. 


When the stalking got really super bad, back in 2012, I wrote and asked for advice.  I used a pseudonym similar to YeOldePatriot.  He has no clue who I am. 


This man wrote and told me what to do. 
I remember he told me to contact him on his website if I needed help.  I did bookmark it.  I also signed up for his email newsletter, so I could share it with people in similar situations. 


He tried to help me.  I thought I could help him market. 


Alas, when I put his advice into action things proved impossible.  I couldn't get the police to file a report and I couldn't locate the old reports.  When Shannon tried to break into the house, I couldn't prove it was her -nor- could I get a straight answer as to whether or not Michael invited her.  I tried to get copies of reports from other jurisdictions where she has harassed me, the officer in the jurisdiction where Shannon and Doug harassed my colleagues didn't file a report.  I never heard from the large town where we used to live (and Shannon was close to the Sergeant).


I didn't get the restraining order. I figure that trying to get one will piss her off so the best thing to do would be to wait until I have an ironclad case against her.  If I'm going to risk pissing her off, I want to make sure that I only do it once. 

When someone gives you free advice and it is helpful, you tend to remember them.  Month after month, he'll send an email with tidbits of information about staying safe online. 


I read those. 

*****

Well.......

Yesterday I received an email from this lawyer.


It was fairly personal in nature.  He had found my profile on a MBTI dating website and thought we might be compatible.  He's an INTX.  An X would indicate a person that scores evenly on the Judging and Perceiving aspect of the MBTI scale.  It could be hot (INTP) -or- I could wind up feeling like I am dating a monk (INTJ).  My relationships with INTJs have never really been highly sexual, they've been more romantic and intellectual.  Maybe this INFJ just hasn't met the right INTJ.


First, I never signed up for a MBTI dating website.  This could be an altered Facebook application.  Facebook apps are bizarre.  I once played a game called Owned which turned into Zoosk (I think).  I still get emails from guys on that website (even though I deleted my profile when I started seeing Steve).

I don't know what this app is. 


Maybe it is the WTF app?


I don't know. 
*****
The reason I refuse to date people that I meet online is that I cannot get a feel for the way they move in an email.  I need to FEEL him.  Then I need to HEAR him.  Looks are typically the last thing I care about when it comes to love.

I need a guy who is kinesthetic dominant, who will let me slow down and get a feel for him.  I like auditory dominant men, too.....you can use dirty talk to get him to.....explode. 



Visual guys....some of them just want fashion models.  Men who are primarily visual tend to move quickly compared to guys who are kinesthetically oriented. 

Then, there are those who move so fast it would seem like they live in another dimension of time and space.  Their movements are jerky and quick.  They may be okay for some people.  They are just not what I want.












My movements tend to be slow and sensual.  My speaking tone is low (alto-ish).  My voice is slow and hypnotic (it's what I do for a living).  I like to take my time and play.  I think that is where Steve messed up.  If he wanted someone with a certain rhythm and pace, the time to have screened for that was the first meeting not six months into an exclusive relationship.

I get that people need different things.  Sexuality is such a physical thing.  I have to see how you move to decide if I want to party with you. 


I need to make sure there is a spark in the atmosphere.  There needs to be heat.  Otherwise, you're just wasting your time and mine. 



******

I do know that I am NOT ready to date.


I do not know the protocol for politely denying a date to someone whom one highly respects? 

Does one....just ignore it? 


I'm not ready. 


The Gods sure know how to tempt me, don't they?


Hope you are tempted by those things you want and need the most.  In other words, may your most erotic fantasies come true.  May you ever be ready to take advantage of those opportunities when they present themselves to you.

Love ya,

S. 

FOO Fighters

Today I am thankful for therapy:  It helped me work on my Family of Origin Issues (FOO).

Yes....I am being silly with the above video. When I was studying social work as a young lady, I would sing this song silently to myself during lectures about family dynamics while imagining food flinging during Thanksgiving dinners and couples arguing over the direction of the toilet paper hanging in the bathroom.  Yes, many of us come from families that put the fun in dysfunctional.

 

On a more serious note, it does seem like may people are fighting those dysfunctional demons past down from their parents. 

 

If they don't fight them off,

if they don't examine them,
and don't understand them,

then, they are doomed to repeat them. 

 

 

The sad truth is that this video may be more appropriate.   I think this song captures the chaotic darkness of family of origin dysfunction pretty well.   Thank goodness the lyricist figured out that what (s)he was enduring was NOT normal. 

 

That probably saved his or her life.  There are quite a bit of people walking around among us who don't know that is not normal to have sex with their kids, beat their kids, abuse their wives and that kind of thing. 

 

 

 

 

 

What is FOO? 

 

FOO is an acronym for Family Of Origin issues.  There are various situations where a child can grow up with unhealthy boundaries that will intrude upon his or her future relationships. 

 

• growing up with mentally ill or addicted parents (addictions could be sex, work, alcohol, drugs and other things), 
• witnessing domestic violence,
• being subjected to child abuse or neglect,
• growing up without a parent (either through death, parental alienation, or absconsion),
• and various other issues that cause children to learn skewed ways of relating to other people. 

 It is difficult when children grow up learning unhealthy boundaries.  For those who grew up in a home where abuse was rampant (say dad abusing mom), they could grow up with the mindset that such abuse is normal.  They typically won't see such behavior as abusive -but- normal. 

Such children could grow up believing that men are allowed to take control of women and lash out at them.  They could believe that it is something that women tolerate and accept the blame for.

They learn these lessons very early in life.  These lessons become a part of their character.  In such a situation, a male child risks becoming an abuser while a female risks becoming a victim.   That can change if each child learns healthy boundaries.

In this situation, the male must learn that it is NOT okay to expect his needs to be met at the expense of other people.  Love does NOT mean putting up with abuse.  Seriously.....sometimes love means taking time away to heal your own stuff so that you can protect others. 

The female must learn that her needs count, too.  Love does NOT mean putting up with abuse. 

Yes...I do know of families where the opposite occurred where boys were grown into co-dependent caretakers while the women drew into rude, psychopathic narcissists. 

******

A child who is sown into a garden full of weeds is going to have to undertake a lot of weeding before growing into his or her full potential.

This is where therapy comes in.  One can choose to be a link in a chain and continue the family tradition of bondage and slavery -or- one can weed his or her garden, learn to deal effectively with the lessons of the past so that (s)he can transform into a transitional character. 

A transitional character is the person who changes the generational pattern of abuse within a family.  It is the person who changes things and demonstrates to the others what life can really be like.   This is the person who proves that change can happen.   This is the person who fought the FOO and WON!

This puts me in mind of the four minute mile, something that was deemed impossible until 1954.  Once Roger Bannister proved it possible, many other runners were able to do so within weeks.  Sometimes....all it takes is one person to show us what is possible. 

Be that person. 

Now, there are a couple of points here....

blame does no one any good.  Everyone has an excuse for his or her behavior.  As my step-father used to quip

"Excuses are like asses: Everyone has one but no one wants any more."

Blame won't get anyone anywhere.  It'll just keep you running in place.  If you want to make it to the finish line intact, you've got to work through the trauma.  You must gain an awareness of the pattern and integrate this new perspective into your behavior. 

Guys, you can't just pretend to understand and then go back to yelling at your wife and children.  Ladies, you can't continue to put up with your controlling husband's crap. 

You need more than insight.  You've got to interrupt the pattern with new behaviors!

*****

I will not be with any abusive man.  I don't care if someone has been diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury or a personality disorder.  There is only so much a person can take.  I have decided that I will not accept an abusive man back, unless he works through his FOO issues. 

"Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe,

 so basically a clown ninja."

- Some Meme Somewhere

I don't want a ninja clown.  I want a successful FOO Fighter!  

I feel badly for leaving these men but I cannot deal with their crap.  I need to stay safe.  I need to stay sane.  Yes, I know I made a promise to love these guys -but- I never promised to put up with their shit. 

Life is hard enough without someone making problems where none should exist. 

Don't be a rain-maker. 

Be a sturdy, stable boat. 

Love ya,

S.