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Burned

Today I am thankful for the changes in my life.


So....


Well....


I am having a tough time typing.  I burned my hand making a Christmas pie, so I really haven't been on the internet very much.  It was weird.


I made an apple pie.  I was putting it in the oven.  I wasn't paying attention and lifted my hand towards the top burner.  I burned the top of my typing hand.  Skin was missing.  It was gross.


So....It should have healed by now.  It hasn't.  The weather has been so cold that my usual caster oil lotion isn't keeping my skin moist. 


The dry air causes me to reopen the wounds when I move my hand.


Thank goodness, I'm a hypnotist.  I have strategies for minimizing physical pain.


Physical pain has nothing on emotional pain.  I can empathize with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I just don't want them to create painful chaos in my life any more. 


*****


I've gotten quite the education on bipolar disorder and borderline personality traits in men.


I don't know what I want to share. 


I had the local university call to inquire if I am interested in a Ph.D.  I think I know what my dissertation will be....it will look at the link between borderline personality traits and domestic violence.


The only problem that I an imagine would be that many borderlines actually think they are victims.  That could skew the numbers.  I guess one would have to get permission to give an MMPI to inmates or people in a domestic violence group (maybe have three groups; a control, a victim's group and a perpetrator group).  If anyone wants to steal this idea, go for it.  I am just curious.  The odds of me financing a doctorate right now is fairly slim.  I'd love an answer.  Just thinking about it, one could find that the victims are Borderlines, too.  You could look into family history and traits learned in the relationship.  That study could go so many different ways.



Yes.....it was the playing victim piece that made me suspect Borderline in my former love interest.  He went to Facebook claiming that I abused him by talking for 15 minutes because "I feared losing the relationship" (classic projection.....).


Then he claimed that I abused him for 30 minutes.


Then he wrote that I was an abuser and complained that he missed all of the red flags.  He wasn't specific as to the behaviors I exhibited that concerned him. 



In the comments, I wrote that I was going to free him up to find someone kinder and more considerate.  He told me that was what he needed when he threatened to get a restraining order.  I thought of it as a gift that I gave to him.  Then I blocked him.  If he feels I am abusing him, he ought to be free of that abuse.  When I did that, the crap really hit the fan.  I was inundated with text messages and emails.  My friends (who knew him) started to contact me sharing the nasty things Steve was saying about me.



I blocked his email address after receiving 49+ emails.   I did read several in which he accused me of scaring his daughter with my driving.  He claimed that I was emotionally abusing her.  That made me realize the need to get away.  The last thing I need is a false allegation of abuse on my record. I don't know if he was delusional and believed what he wrote or if he was trying to hook me back into a relationship with him.  I just ignored it.

Within a week, his daughter had left a cryptic message on Facebook that made my daughter fear for her life.  At this point, I did contact a county social worker.  I told her about his accusation.  I told her that he lost custody due to their involvement with their family.  The social worker told me not to worry about his accusations because I simply didn't spend enough time with the child to traumatize her.  The social worker said that any parent and child with serious past dealings with the entity was most likely on their radar.   I was assured that they were keeping an eye on her in school.  So I have to have faith that the truth will come out.   I never told them about their dirty YouTube video because it was removed: Steve sings that he wants to put his banana in his daughter's cream pie in the video.  I did not report the fact that he has no sheets on her bed (which her father uses for storage so I do not know where the child sleeps).  I'm sure they would have taken her from his family.  The child is in her grandmother's care.  She's almost sixteen.  I'm not sure foster care would help her.  I lack evidence.  It could cause more chaos in an already chaotic situation.  Without evidence, my claim would go nowhere.   I could only report the Facebook post and the county social worker claimed that policy does not allow them to act on social media posts.  So....I didn't make a report.     
If she's in therapy, the therapist will have to report any immediate threat to the child's health.
Due to my fear that Steve asked his daughter to make that cryptic post, I blocked every member of Steve's family.  I'm pretty sure that Steve had two of my long-time activist friends contact me.  One tried to shame me for considering contact with social services -but- I am a mandated reporter.  It is a part of my job.  The moment he accused me of abusing his child....the moment he claimed she was in crisis....I had to consider consulting with an expert in child abuse.  Many abusers project their bad behavior on others.  Who knows?  Maybe he or a member of his family were engaging in the very things he claimed I was doing?   

There are three reasons personality disordered people make false allegations against those closest to them.  
  • First, and scariest, is that they could be projecting their behavior on to another person.  He (or his mother) could be abusing the child and blaming me.   
  • He could have been trying to bait me into an argument.   
  • The most probable reason was to recruit my friends to contact me with their concerns.  The experts call this proxy recruitment; it can be a means to get third parties to spread the lies and harass me on Steve's behalf.  After reflecting on Steve's stories about his ex-wives, it seems that claiming they were crazy abusers gave him power over them.  It won't work for him with me.  I know too many lawyers and therapists. 
His smear campaign did work as a means of proxy recruitment.  He said other things that caused people to contact me, too.




Another caller wanted to talk about fake libertarians who suck in bed.  We had an exceptionally dirty conversation which revolved around politics and Paganism.  Steve would criticize me as a "fake, fraud Libertarian" and say that people he knew told him to stop talking to me because I was "the wrong religion."  

I wonder what he posted about me?


I've heard some of his bull.  I look like James Holmes.  I'm "a crazy."  I'm a sociopath.  I am a "die-job."  I "spy" on him.  I abuse him.  I am lying about the stalking for attention.  I'm staying away to teach him a lesson....it goes on and on.   I hear about these things from people he recruits to harass me.  I'm not sure they mean to be his flying monkeys.  I think they may be well meaning -but- they fell for the bull hook, line and sinker.   It stopped a few days after I quit posting to Facebook. 




One person said he wrote that he wanted me to "f*ck his brains out."  Look....if you act like a delusional jerk and attack someone publicly....you're probably not going to get laid anytime soon.

Few women are going to want to run in for a piece of that action.  Seriously.....we don't want to sign up for a lifetime of abuse. 


I eventually had to tell people to stop talking to me about his bull. 

I don't care.  Those are either his delusions or he's a liar.  Either way.....it means I need to stay away from him for my own safety.

I stopped using Facebook at this point.   



There were also several gaslighting texts sent to my cell phone - he wanted me to get medically evaluated for my sociopathic behavior.  Borderlines like to convince their significant others that they are crazy. 

I wonder if I should have taken him up on the offer to visit a psych hospital with him.  I guarantee I wouldn't have been the one admitted.  I am not the one that has the psychopathic bulging eyes or the tight lipped smirk.   I'm not the one with the criminal record, either. 


I wasn't convinced that he had Borderline traits until he threatened to sue me over a Facebook post.  I was posting about domestic violence. 


I had a friend escape a battering relationship that weekend.  I invited her to a movie.  She got beat over it. 



I DO regret not sharing enough on domestic violence that week.



Another friend's nephew murdered his girlfriend a few weeks later.  It was a murder suicide.  She lived with the couple.  They just bought a house together.  My friend wanted information.



If only.....if only....she could have helped his girlfriend get help. 



She's in agony....still....



I will NEVER again stay silent for the ego of an a-hole.



NEVER



Steve may well wind up quoted in my doctoral dissertation.  I mean....maybe...that kind of work can help sort out real victims of domestic violence from the perpetrators who fake it.  I wonder how many Borderlines are pretending to be victims?  How many men (women and children) get burned over false accusations?




I'll enroll if I can score a job at the university. 



I'm looking into it.  They need someone in their sales department.



*****


I need to update a couple of developments.  I do keep this blog just in case the stalking picks back up, something happens, and the cops grab my hard drive to see what was going on in my life.


Let's see.....


Michael has diabetes. 


He had me accompany him to the dietician.  I took him shopping.  I've started sharing my salad and tofu with him. 

He seems happier, more energetic and jovial. 


I think his personality change helped him get that job based out of Oregon. 


I don't know exactly what this means....


My understanding is that he starts next month. 


*****

Michael is wanting to reunite with me.


I don't know.....


I still need to understand the link between him and the stalking.  His sister knew things about me only he knew.....she knew where to find me.....she knew when to find me.....


He had to be in on it!


I KNOW he is not telling me something important.  If he wants me back, he is going to have to explain how Shannon knew what she knew.  That will be the only way for me to cork the flow of information. 


He used to yell at me when I asked about it. 


He doesn't yell anymore.  He just claims not to know anything about it. 


He would call right after stalking incidents to ask if I were all right.

He had to know.


He has left me twice in the past eight years.  During those weeks, the stalking never happened....never....


When he was gone....all was well....


Shannon didn't seem to know what Michael didn't know.


I've asked him to get help. 


I don't think he will. 


I don't think a reconciliation is possible.


I'd do it for the kids....if.....he'd help me deal with the missing money and fill me in on the means and motive for the stalking. 


That's not very likely. 


*****

I'm sorry that this is short and boring.  I do have quite a few insights into Borderline behavior that I'd like to share at some point. 


It may or may not be appropriate.


I'll think about it. 


I'm still having nightmares about Narcissists and Borderlines acting like demonic puppet masters.


I may share....I may not....


My subconscious mind has a bizarre way of helping me integrate information.


******

I should say that the shaking has finally left my body.  After I caught Shannon breaking into my home in 2012, I began to shake.  My body would tremble.  I would break out in a cold sweat at any stimuli that reminded me of her: the front door, my car, my cell phone, the home phone, drinking coffee, in my office by myself, and using my computer....


It seemed consistent.  It was always worse while driving.  I was tracked with a gps device.  I never knew if she was going to find me.


I noticed today that the shaking is completely gone. 


That is a wonderful development.


I am happy. 


I did consult with a psychotherapist who specialized in treatment of the victims of Borderlines.  She warned me that dating someone like that would send me right back into the arms of my stalker.  She also said that people like that do not change.  Stalking spouses never stop. 

Truth be told, Michael never tried to choke me.


He only hit the walls. 


He would rage and threaten to kill his mother.  He never called me a sociopath, loser, cheater with an unnamed psychiatric issue.  He never tried to ruin my reputation on Facebook and social media.  He certainly never has threatened to sue me (let alone over anything petty). 


He won't even get a restraining order on his sister despite her damaging the locks on our front door!  Steve wanted to get a restraining order against me because I didn't answer his Facebook messages.

Michael only steals money, limits my access to the car and phone, while allowing his sister to stalk me.  Michael does not seem delusional. 

Steve has written things about me online that make me fear for his sanity.  The worst is that, according to Steve, feeling are facts.  I'll quickly paraphrase one relationship example Steve said to me on a day I didn't answer the phone because I was in a therapy session when he called.  He went to
Facebook to tell everyone that I called him a "bad-boyfriend".  He said:


"I felt like I was a bad boyfriend because you didn't answer the phone.  You were saying that I was a bad boyfriend.   It felt real to me! I wrote about it on Facebook to get some relief.  My ex-girlfriend comforted me and said I wasn't bad."

Not only did his ex-girlfriend comfort him, another friend of mine, a coach, chastised me for treating Steve so poorly!  UGH!!


I turned it into a play on the word "bad".  Hey....I want a bad boyfriend who will let me do the fun kinds of bad things with him.  Steve wasn't that kind of guy.  I dated him on and off for ten months (because he'd attack me and we'd break up....he come back and do it all over again).  I never got to have a taste.  An absence of fellatio....well....that's not fun! That is a deal breaker for me. 


I later learned that he told people we were dating for four years.  I met him in April of 2011.  I was running for office.  I was married.  My marital status was in many of the local papers. 


We were not dating.  A few weeks before we broke up, he told people on Facebook that we were living together.  We weren't. 


Then I learned that he was hitting on a 25 year old acquaintance of mine throughout our relationship.


That sounds like a typical Borderline, if there is such a thing.  


How could I have been so blind? 


I missed something.  A little psychotherapy should help me see the red flags I missed. 


Right now, Michael seems like a safer bet. 




I don't know....I need a decent therapist who is willing to play devil's advocate.



It would seem to me that therapy for Michael would be a prerequisite to any new relationship.



I don't think he'll go to therapy. 


We'll see how it goes. 

I think my allowing my ex-husband to stay here was not a bad thing.  He just got a huge raise!  He was guaranteed a six figure income within two years.


I have wondered if I was being a crappy ex-wife. I play hostess.  I answer the phones.  I play housekeeper.  I do his laundry.   I cook for him.  I clean. I pick him up from work and let him utilize my vehicle.  I was there for him during his myriad of health scares this year. 


I do my best to support him. 


I do my best to encourage him.


I do not regret it.


I want to be his friend.  I have been his friend most of my adult life.  Divorce does not stop caring.  It does not stop one from wishing her former partner well. 


I like how things are developing. 


If I were a complete and utter dramatic game playing b!tch, I'm not sure he'd have gone for the new  opportunity. 

Yes, his new job will ruin our visitation agreement and the plans I had for that time to myself.  That's okay.....our family will adjust.  He's happier.  He's alive.  He's moving forward in his life.  That can't be bad, can it?


No matter what happens, I want each of us to be successful and happy. 



I wish the same for you.  May your wildest dreams come true for you.



Happy New Year,


S.










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