Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.
It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.'
Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it?
I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.
I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling. I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me.
He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.
It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.
*****
They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb. The acronym is FOG.
Yes, they are FOG machines.
What does FOG stand for?
Fear
Obligation -and-
Guilt
Yes, there is fear. Fear that he won't honor his financial agreements and the kids and I will end up in the street. Fear that his relatives will harass me out of another job. Fear that the only way to make the stalking stop is to stay here with him and make it clear that I will not see other people.
Obligation......I feel obligated to stay here for the sake of the children.
Guilt....I feel guilty for trying to leave, getting the house in the divorce, and asking for the settlement. I am still torn about asking for the maintenance and other half of the money he took.
Do I? Asking for things leads to a host of other problems (e.g. stalking and harassment from his relatives).
I don't blame him. It's just how he has learned to get his way.
*****
I have decided to simply accept things as they are and wait it out. That seems to be the most helpful solution. Things are shifting. The best possible solution has materialized out of this air.
He's taking a job that will require him to be in Portland 60% of the time. The truth is, I may never see him again.
He starts in less than two weeks. He said something about paying to install a really nice security system in the house to keep his sister away.
Maybe this is what has to happen?
I will just let things.....be.
*****
So, what about dating?
I can't bring myself to do it. I am not sure it is the right thing to do. I feel obligated to not date until Michael finds someone.
Besides....I think I'm ugly. I am out of shape. I also have an issue with sex now. I didn't have one before -but- it was a bizarre experience dating someone who insisted that I learn the right rhythm, suction, pace and movement before engaging in really super fun sexual activities.
I wonder how a man would react to such a demand?
I found myself stifled and dry.....
Very, very dry.
Before that experience, I only had one rule.
Try it - if it feels good and your partner likes it - try it again -with a twist. It must be a Mars in Sagittarius thingy. Seriously...the best thing to get me off is to surprise me. I love it when I can surprise the man I'm with. I can't do that if I have to keep the same rhythm, tone, movement, vocal volume.....it's like trying to make me into some sort of boring drone.
After that last relational experience.....my rule is....it's better to be alone than to get excited and criticized over it.
I honestly don't believe I'll ever attempt to have sex again.
*****
In step the Gods, right on cue....
There is a lawyer here in town. He's seven years older than I. He has cinnamon-sugar hair and a beard.
He does a lot of marketing on the free advice forums.
When the stalking got really super bad, back in 2012, I wrote and asked for advice. I used a pseudonym similar to YeOldePatriot. He has no clue who I am.
This man wrote and told me what to do.
I remember he told me to contact him on his website if I needed help. I did bookmark it. I also signed up for his email newsletter, so I could share it with people in similar situations.
He tried to help me. I thought I could help him market.
Alas, when I put his advice into action things proved impossible. I couldn't get the police to file a report and I couldn't locate the old reports. When Shannon tried to break into the house, I couldn't prove it was her -nor- could I get a straight answer as to whether or not Michael invited her. I tried to get copies of reports from other jurisdictions where she has harassed me, the officer in the jurisdiction where Shannon and Doug harassed my colleagues didn't file a report. I never heard from the large town where we used to live (and Shannon was close to the Sergeant).
I didn't get the restraining order. I figure that trying to get one will piss her off so the best thing to do would be to wait until I have an ironclad case against her. If I'm going to risk pissing her off, I want to make sure that I only do it once.
When someone gives you free advice and it is helpful, you tend to remember them. Month after month, he'll send an email with tidbits of information about staying safe online.
I read those.
*****
Well.......
Yesterday I received an email from this lawyer.
It was fairly personal in nature. He had found my profile on a MBTI dating website and thought we might be compatible. He's an INTX. An X would indicate a person that scores evenly on the Judging and Perceiving aspect of the MBTI scale. It could be hot (INTP) -or- I could wind up feeling like I am dating a monk (INTJ). My relationships with INTJs have never really been highly sexual, they've been more romantic and intellectual. Maybe this INFJ just hasn't met the right INTJ.
First, I never signed up for a MBTI dating website. This could be an altered Facebook application. Facebook apps are bizarre. I once played a game called Owned which turned into Zoosk (I think). I still get emails from guys on that website (even though I deleted my profile when I started seeing Steve).
I don't know what this app is.
Maybe it is the WTF app?
I don't know.
*****
The reason I refuse to date people that I meet online is that I cannot get a feel for the way they move in an email. I need to FEEL him. Then I need to HEAR him. Looks are typically the last thing I care about when it comes to love.
I need a guy who is kinesthetic dominant, who will let me slow down and get a feel for him. I like auditory dominant men, too.....you can use dirty talk to get him to.....explode.
Visual guys....some of them just want fashion models. Men who are primarily visual tend to move quickly compared to guys who are kinesthetically oriented.
Then, there are those who move so fast it would seem like they live in another dimension of time and space. Their movements are jerky and quick. They may be okay for some people. They are just not what I want.
My movements tend to be slow and sensual. My speaking tone is low (alto-ish). My voice is slow and hypnotic (it's what I do for a living). I like to take my time and play. I think that is where Steve messed up. If he wanted someone with a certain rhythm and pace, the time to have screened for that was the first meeting not six months into an exclusive relationship.
I get that people need different things. Sexuality is such a physical thing. I have to see how you move to decide if I want to party with you.
I need to make sure there is a spark in the atmosphere. There needs to be heat. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time and mine.
******
I do know that I am NOT ready to date.
I do not know the protocol for politely denying a date to someone whom one highly respects?
Does one....just ignore it?
I'm not ready.
The Gods sure know how to tempt me, don't they?
Hope you are tempted by those things you want and need the most. In other words, may your most erotic fantasies come true. May you ever be ready to take advantage of those opportunities when they present themselves to you.
Love ya,
S.