Terror

Today, as dark as it sounds, I am thankful for terror. 

Terror is a useful warning device. 

Those alarm bells are ringing.  They are ringing so darn loud that some of my friends are picking up on it. 

I can't pinpoint what is scaring the holy heck out of me. 

The stalking bugs me. 

It usually picks up around October and ends with a bang in  Mid-January.  I haven't heard hide nor hair of the stalker since January 12th of 2012.  His sister, the one who admits to doing the stalking, called me despite having a cease and desist letter but that was nearly a year ago.

 I've had tons of anonymous hang up calls this year.  I've had several this week.

No one following me or anything.

The last stalker was a male.  When I go into hypnosis to remember the incident, my mind goes to a man flirting with me as I sat with my old flame.  The man was in his late thirties, blond with a horrible fake and bake tan.  He just stared.  He sat at a table for two with with a tall, dark haired man wearing a black coat.  I never saw the face of the man sitting with him as he always sat with his back turned to me.  I remember the irritation on Tom's face when I'd look away to stare back at the blond guy four tables down.  I remember noticing this guy about an hour before the tall, dark haired man approached me to call me Satan. 

That was about a week before I found out that a tall, darked haired guy in a black coat was harassing other tenants in my office building.  He was holding my picture and demanding to know where I went to church. 

I called the police in the area.  They told me that they knew most of the people who frequented the park where the man approached me.  They had no clue who this guy was.  The officer did tell me that he knew I worked until the wee hours of the morning and that he was concerned for my safety.  Until that incident, I always felt safer at my office than at home. 

Then my ex started getting ultra weird. 

I can't shake the feeling that the police officer is right.  The man in the basement is behind the stalking because he is jealous that I had lunch with my high school sweetheart.  He's always been jealous of Tom.  Always.....even before we dated. 

It took me far too long to know that the Tom jokes were about someone I knew. 

How did he know about the guy I dated five years before I met him?  His best friend and his cousins went to high school with Tom and I.  His cousin shared a locker with me and would give him copies of my poetry. 

He knew of me five years before I ever met him.  This is kind of creepy in and of itself.   

This all new news to me.  I'm a little sick over it. 

About eight years ago, someone went through my artist portfolio.  My artwork went missing and I would find things that Tom gave me all over the house.  These were things that I thought I threw away long ago. 

I haven't had a lot of time for art since Mike has been in my life. 

Mike recently told me that he went digging through my stuff because he wanted to see my work.

I can't sleep. 

I keep seeing my sister-in-law in my mind's eye.  I'm not talking about my husband's sister.  I keep thinking about his brother's wife.  Her name is Kelly.

Kelly is always angry. 

Shannon called here last year and said something about having Kelly on her cell phone family plan and having the ability to track her.  I am wondering if Shannon is stalking Kelly, too. 

What other people don't know is that Shannon threatened to kill Kelly.  My mother and sister-in-law threatened to kill her when the cops were called to the home due to her husband's violent behavior. 

Her husband's name is William.  William is my ex's brother. 

William is a gem in a dark, rough and ugly kind of way.  I remember watching him beat the hell out of Shannon because she didn't believe that the lead singer of WHAM was gay. 

Yeah, this was awhile back.

 I'd say early 90ish.  

Few people cared about George Michael's sexual orientation.  I mean, unless you're dating someone, it is not of your darn business what he wants in bed.  To be fair, George Michael sang about wanting to be some one's father figure.  He came out in his music early in the game.

Still, William beat the hell out of his sister for not believing it.

I couldn't break up the fight.  William and Shannon's parents didn't try to stop it.  Disgusted, I left and I was threatened for leaving.  I broke up with my husband over that mess. 

It ended our relationship for a month or so.

That incident helps define what scares me.  When William gets angry, he grabs shovels, shoes, or whatever tool he can reach for and goes to town on his victim.  Then he calms down and claims not to remember what he did.  He claims to have done it while, to quote him, he does this stuff while he has "blacked out."

He's not the only one to do that. 

Mike will rage the craziest crap at me.  He's scream and yell that he needs to control me, or that he's afraid that if I work, I'll have sex with another man.  He'll rage, yell, punch things, threaten to kill himself and drive like a maniac,

then claim he can't remember doing those things. 

He was gone the entire day yesterday. 

I think he has a girlfriend.  This is a good thing because, if it is true, he'll leave me alone.  It also explains where our money is going.  He stole $17,000 from our retirement account last year alone. 

I found out two weeks ago when I pegged the bankruptcy lawyer.  He also claimed to have a couple of hundred dollars stashed in a private account.  The judge asked for the money in that account.  My husband claims the account doesn't exist, so I have to ask my family for that money to give to the judge. 

Why would Mike claim that he has money on a court document that he claims doesn't exist in real life?

I don't know what he took from our retirement accounts between 2008 and 2010. 

I know that this year, he's making decent money but leaving me with less than $200 a month for groceries and gas.  The bankruptcy judge has mentioned that we have at least $1,500 of disposible income every month.  I really do not know where that money is going. 

I don't know. 

I think he's hiding money so I don't leave.  He likes the the appearance of a marriage.  For a decade, he called it a 'fake marriage.'  He doesn't want the intimacy or the relationship.  He just wants to look like a happily married man. 

I'm hurting. 

It's his threat of suicide that scares me.  I'm terrified he's going to kill me or the children before ending his life.  I'm terrified he may take an officer down with him. 

This is why all our kitchen knives are dull.  This is why there are no arrows in this house.  This is why I do not own a gun. 

I'm praying his lady love will move him out of town. 

If she gives him something to live for, we are no longer in danger. 

I'm not sure that people know he's threatened to kill himself.  I don't want one of my other exes pegged if I wind up six feet under.  Tom tried to help me get out.  Ross tried to protect my daughter and granddaughter from it.   I hope they don't blame the wrong guy. 

Mike is really, really blaming his mother and sister.  He swears up and down that they are stalking me.  It makes no sense for them to be stalking me. 

He was the only one who knew where I was going the day I went out to lunch with Tom.  Tom didn't even know.  Mike did. 

The most telling thing was that moments before the stalker approached me, Mike had called and left a message for me.  He called to see if I was okay. 

That was the last contact I had with the stalker.  After that, he approached other people in my periphery.  I've cut off from people for fear of them getting harassed and hurt by this freaky family. 

That was my mistake.  I should've kept going. 

My stalker is obviously afraid of cops, lawyers, and politicians.  He has never approached me in a political venue nor have I had a politician call me to complain about being harassed by a tall guy holding my picture. 

This is weird. 

Mike does blame the local politicians for the stalking.  This is funny to me.  Yes, some officials have  tried to get me involved in bad behavior but, to be quite fair, they have always been straight forward about it. 

Always......

The cops who approach me or hung out in my garage and yard were always in uniform. 

It was quite common to find cop cars sitting outside of the house.  I don't know if they did that because I was an activist who got on some one's nerves -or- if they know I'm being stalked. 

I'm beginning to believe that they may have saved my life.  The stalker has never approached me in this town.  Could it be because of the cops hanging round?

Mike claims that he's seen his family drive by the house when the kids were walking home from school.  I've never seen that. 

The men who promised me sexual favors usually admitted to knowing a politician (one in particular).  It is a little sad that the man behind that doesn't understand that women are not usually motivated by promises of getting sexual favors. 

Even the cameraman who visited me in the restaurant claimed to be the neighbor of the politician referenced above.  

They've never lied about trying to catch me doing something wrong. 

They've lied to me and are easy caught contradicting themselves. 

I find the politicians to be far more amusing than threatening. 

The politicians I know are not sneaky.  If they are, they are very obvious about their intentions. 

It is easy to catch liars when they know they are lying.  Their body language and eye patterns will give them away every time.  Even on the telephone, it is easy to catch a liar.  I'm a former musician.  Their vocal tone will tend to get higher in pitch when they are unsure of what they are saying. 

Mike scares me because he lies in ways that are hard to detect.  I think he believes his delusions so it is harder to catch him lying because he, quite literally, believes that he is telling the truth. 

Please pray for us.

This is not something that I've encountered before. 

I am terrified. 

Love,

S.

P.S.  The stalker is on a 'Satan' kick.  He is running around claiming that I'm evil.   My mother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my cousin-in-law are on a 'Satan' kick as well. 

They think I'm a witch. 

If I were a witch, wouldn't they think that I'd have released the hellhounds by now? 

Sigh.....

When Politicians Attack

Today I am thankful for all those lovely moments that occur when politicians attack.

 

 

I'm really surprised no one has written a script based on political attacks. 

 

It would be a great comedy. 

 

-

I was a young pup when I was attacked by my first politician.  He was my step-uncle.  He beat his son within an inch of his life in front of a red-headed ten year old. He told me to keep my mouth shut because no one would believe me. 

 

The case worker at social services did.  I went down with Grandma and we had a tale to tell that matched a young man's bruises.  

 

My uncle never did win the mayor's seat. 

 

This female dog only grew worse with age. 

 

-

I've always been an activist.  My baby sister was a run away.  I spent years fighting with the department of human services trying to win custody of her.  I lived in a huge metropolis at the time and, quite sadly, Human Services preferred that she live on the street in their city than with a married twenty year old sister in another county. 

I made friends with homeless people.  I fed them.  I gave them money.  They found my sister for me.  It took them two years but they remembered me.  I got a collect call one day from a man who told me that I would find her at a certain park in the afternoons.  He was right.

 

My ex and I fought for her custody in the courts for years.  We never won.  The authorities put her in a home in another state where the foster mother would force young men to have sex with her in the hopes of getting her pregnant so they could adopt a baby. 

 

This was how I became politically active.  This was how I learned to threaten politicians while smiling and using embedded hypnotic commands. 

 

I got my sister back and met the state attorney general. 

 

I never wanted politics to become a lifestyle. 

 

-

 

I love it when the politicians attack. 

 

 

I still don't know how this latest political round started.  I think it had something to do with my ex having an affair with his boss at the city building.  I was on my way out anyway...the affair never bothered me. 

 

It was the HR department ripping $500 out of my 'divorce savings fund' that pissed me off.  They illegally fined him.  It took me years to get to the bottom of why they did that. 

 

They did it because he was fat. 

 

I'll take care of the HR manager and the chicky that illegally fined me in my own way.  They'll never work for another city again because I've got so many blogs and documentation of their nasty emails and phone calls all over the Internet.  Should their new employer Google their names, they're toast!!! 

 

I'm a female dog. 

 

So, when I was tracing where my divorce lawyer fund went, I called the city.  At first, they just had their lawyers call me to try to intimidate me.  That was a lot of fun.  I learned how to hypnotize people when I was eight years old.  I'm a geezette now and have had a lot of practice putting people under a hypnotic spell. 

 

People should know better than to play with me on the phone.  I like to tell hypnotic stories with embedded commands. 

 

It took a couple of months for the city attorneys to realize what I was doing. 

 

They don't call me at home anymore. 

 

Then they had me deposed.  I controlled that chick. 

 

Lawyers are easily hypnotized. 

 

-

 

Then they had a hot guy take me out for coffee.  He promised me a romp in the hay unlike anything a man has ever promised me before. 

 

I squirmed.  I panted.  I sweated.  I told him 'no'. 

 

The man and I became friends years later.  It turns out he's close to the current mayor.

 

I'm still celibate. 

 

It can be fun when politicians attack. 

I guess they like to set people up to sin like the dickens. 

That doesn't work out so well with empathic prudes. 

I'm sorry....

-

 

Did I tell you about the film crew they sent to film me eat dinner? 

 

I pretended to have an eating disorder. 

 

I pretended to have no manners. 

 

Food went flying everywhere. 

 

The cameraman was beside himself as he feared I'd ruin his equipment and he took off.   Before he left, he admitted to being the neighbor of the former mayor and the head honcho at the city owned television station. 

He wasn't very good at keeping secrets. 

 

-

 

The former mayor cracked me up.  He knew I was a hypnotist.  Hypnotists are sonnambules.  This means that we go into trance at the drop of the hat and are highly suggestible. 

 

He said I had no voice in government. 

 

He obviously never read any of my published articles. 

 

People under trance don't hear the word 'no'.  When he said that, I heard that I 'had a voice in government'.

 

Yeppers, he reaffirmed my belief in my ability to have a voice in government. 

 

I wanted to sit in his seat.  Vying for it gave me a lot of places to give speeches about his bad behavior at the helm. 

 

The old mayor literally pushed me into a door jam/wall one day.  This is funny.  Do you know why? 

 

One of the reasons the HR gave for stealing $500 was a story that my ex pushed me into a wall in the middle of the night as we slept together.  We didn't sleep together.  I have no clue where the heck that story came from.  So, rightfully, I swore up and down that didn't happen. 

 

So, the former mayor, gave me the experience of snuggling drywall. 

 

I can't look at him without laughing. 

 

What a sissy!!! 

 

He pushes women into walls like a girl!!! 

 

Oh, he doesn't know this but he's highly suggestible, too.  I used to sit at city council meetings with my activist buddies and bet them that I would make the former mayor twirl in his chair. 

 

All you have to do is stare at him and lick your lips.  He'll stare back and fall into a trance. 

 

Yep...then, in that trance, he'd copy whatever I did.  So, if I started swaying back and forth, he did the same.  If I swayed side by side, he did that, too.   The difference was that his chair was a swivel chair, so he would end up twirling around. 

 

That was fun.... 

 

-

 

Now, the politicians are on forums calling me names.  They always have done that. 

 

I've been called fat, obese, ugly. 

 

I've been called a man. 

 

They think I'm a dude!!! 

 

If they think that I'm a guy; I actually fear meeting their wives.  

 

Now, though, they are attacking my credibility in the funniest way. 

 

They'll pick apart something I say. 

 

I'll ask them for proof. 

 

And, they'll come back whining that people think they are breaking the law and hiding behind anonymous names. 

 

I don't do that.  I post under my name.  They don't.  They use anagrams of their true names.  They also use the same language patterns which tend to betray their identities. 

 

It's so flippin' hard not to post to them...

 

Hi Dick!!!  or Hi Tom!!!  or Hi Harry!!!

 

They are looking like a bunch of criminals. 

 

Why would people think they are breaking the law? 

 

No one ever says that...except the politicians.

 

I wonder what law they are breaking? 

I analyze all of their meeting minutes with qualitative research software.  If it is there, I will find it. 

 

Hypnosis works both ways.  We can influence people to do what we want and we can betray ourselves to others. 

 

The criminal thing is projection.  They think we think they broke the law because they did. 

 

I just can't figure out which law they broke. 

 

Hmmmmm....maybe I'll get to meet the current attorney general, eh?  

 

-

I'm laughing so much at them that my stomach is incredibly toned. 

 

Please....stop....don't....stop....

 

-

 

What they don't know is that I've got these high ranking men pegged to a 't'.  I can tell you which of them are breast men. 

 

Breast men are fun.  They tend to be the guys in love with their mommies and frightened of women. 

 

Couple that with their speaking patterns and I can own their little arses.  All one has to do is take a deep breath and sing their first and middle names and they go into a brain freeze. 

 

It is like a breast man re-boot. 

 

For example, I get my singing voice going and use an angry tone to blurt

 

"Harry Richard get back over here this instant!!"

 

Lo' and behold for a brief second, I've stunned a turd and left him highly suggestible. 

 

It's fun.  Try it sometime. 

 

Leg men are harder to freak out.  I haven't quite gotten them down yet.  I will and I will write a book about it.  I'll call it the unashamed activist guide to controlling stupid male politicians. 

 

Thankfully, for me, most of the politicians I've met are breast men. 

 

Women aren't as easy to control as the guys. 

This is probably why the Democrats are winning most of the elections.  Women think with their brains. 

Men think with their nether regions. 

How we think makes a difference. 

 

-

 

I've got to move because I think I'm going to die laughing. 

I had code enforcement hanging out in front of the house the other day.  

I'm sorry.  It was a holiday and they made him scope out our property. 

I felt sad for his wife and kids. 

I would have made him coffee and baked him cookies but I actually like the guy.  I didn't want to make him sick. 

Soo....

Rather than have me cited for having a pot of voodoo weed in my front yard, if the politicians want  to send another hot guy my way with detailed promises of sex play

I really would welcome that. 

 

This time I think I'll tape record him and have his poetic promises transcribed.  Maybe we can write a book together and earn some dough. 

I promise to donate 10% to have a woman on the council re-elected because I want a challenge. 
 

- 

 

Don't....stop....please...no....

-

I'm going to miss that one trick pony town when I move. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 

 



Connected Threads

Today I am thankful for the understanding I feel when all the threads of a confusion situation finally meet.

 



I hate conspiracies.  I always have and I always will.  Given enough time, money, attention and research one can usually figure out who is behind even the worst of situations. 

 

It's easier to get to the bottom of political problems that it is to find out when someone has a personal problem with you. 

 

Now, over the past twenty years, I've had trouble understanding how my stalker knows where I am and what I am doing on any given day.  Next month will mark the twenty-first year I have had to deal with this stalking problem. 

 

At first, I thought it was several people.  Now, I am narrowing it down to just one.  The man in the basement wants a reconciliation; he doesn't necessarily want to be in a sexual relationship with me, he wants to be married to me in the eyes of the public. 

 

I want a divorce. 

 

Why? 

 

The stalking drives me insane.  It has escalated in recent years.  It bothers me quite a bit.   I wasn't neurotic about it when his sister pulled her gun on the neighbor; he was young and could take care of himself.  I didn't get neurotic about it until an elderly lady in my office building was menaced by a man whose description matched a man seen watching my high school sweetheart and I in a restaurant.  The guy later approached me and tried to strike up a conversation by calling me Satan. 

 

I laughed at him and walked off. 

 

My old flame asked me what I did to cause my in-laws to hate me so.  Do you know what I did? 

 

I finished college.  I finished college despite one of them stalking me on campus.  I finished college despite all the crap they pulled.  I finished college despite the phone harassment, the physical harassment and them blocking my car in my driveway during visits so I couldn't leave and get my homework done in quieter restaurants. 

 

They hounded me for being a college student.  His mother and aunt explained it to me thusly, no one is allowed to outperform my sister-in-law.  She didn't have a college degree, so I wasn't allowed to have one.  She was over 500 pounds, I was supposed to gain weight.  She didn't wear make-up, I wasn't supposed to either.  She was the shining star in the family and I was not supposed to steal her thunder.  I thought that was ludicrous; how does one hold herself beneath an unemployed, thirty-something woman who lives with her mother?

 

I couldn't do that.  When I started to do things for myself, I was stalked.  I never told anyone other than their son where I was going.  How did they know where to find me?

 

How did they get my phone number?

 

How did they know when I was at the doctors office? at work? at school? volunteering?  How did they get the phone numbers to the places I volunteered?

 

That is what drove me insane. 

 

I finally have an answer. 

 

It is a friend from high school. 

 

I didn't think she was a part of any of this.  She is Mike's cousin.  They talk on a daily basis.  He tells her E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.   She would visit the house and take pictures. 

 

The stalker has pictures. 

 

We spent about four hours talking about the stalking yesterday.  One of the lawyers I considered hiring for the divorce is hitting on me on Facebook (which pisses me off to no end).  All the while the chat ding was going off and driving me insane. 

 

My ex thinks that a man wanting you to talk about kinky fantasies is not interested in having a fling.  Uh....somewhere along the line, my relationship with the lawyer strayed from a professional one.   That probably happened when he discovered we were Facebook friends for several years before I called his firm.  That flirting business is the last thing I need right now.   Unless he has a way to catch a creepy guy watching us in a restaurant, I'm not interested. 

 

Getting to the bottom of the stalking is important to me.

 

I want to know how to stay safe.  I need to know how my in-laws know what they know about me. 

 

Yesterday my ex told me that his cousin was disappointed that we did not go to a party she had set up with his family.  She wanted me and the kids to go so they could see their paternal side of the family.  Apparently the fact that we both didn't go to her party, putting on a happy face and pretending to be happily married upset her.  She wants to broker a reconciliation between my ex and his mother.   

 

I distanced myself from her when she pulled the same stunt with me five years ago.  She wanted a baby shower, so I got to work putting everything together.  When I got the guest list it was only me, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, I realized that she didn't want a baby shower at all.  She wanted to put together an intervention. 

 

I declined and had another friend from high school help her put together a real baby shower.

Now, before I get too far into this....I learned yesterday that our brother-in-law lives within a block of this cousin and that they see each other all the time.  That could be the driving force behind her desire to force us to come together.  This brother is pretty enmeshed with his mom and sister.  To this very day, his mother, sister and father will call here talking about seeing that brothers kids and demanding to see ours.  

Mike says that he sees his parents drive by the house.  I have never seen that but if they are driving by, they are probably doing that to get a glimpse of their grandkids.  A better thought would be to call and talk to their son without yelling or threatening him.  That would probably do the trick. 

 

It is nice to want to force people to get along.  It doesn't work with alcoholics and personality disordered people.  There is something bigger going on here, something so big that scapegoating and tormenting me won't get to the bottom of it.  In my view, the paternal side of the family needs to develop a relationship with their son before I go toting their grandchildren off to see them. 

 

When I had money, I offered to pay for counseling.  They were offended. 

 

I had a friend offer to mediate for them for free, they are still offended. 

 

I don't know what I can do right now other than get the stalking bozos arrested the next time they torment people I know. 

 

Last night, the man in the basement admitted to telling his cousin where I was on the days I was stalked. 

 

I don't know if he set it up.  I do know that he is sharing information with his family that I am uncomfortable with. 

 

We did have a hang up call on Christmas.  I got several anonymous breathing type calls on my google voice business line over the holiday.

 

This is crazy. 

 

I can't have a relationship with my in-laws.  They like to harass people over the phone. They are threatening.  They are menacing.  They lie.  They stalk.   They steal.   I don't know that all of them do that.  Someone in the family does and is very protected.   It could be the lot of them.  Or it could be one of them.  Either way, it makes me distrust all of them. 

 

I'm not sure why they do the things they do.  They just do.  I don't want any part of it. 

 

I don't know how much my ex has to do with it.  I can't ever consider reconciling until I figure out why he allows his family to harass the holy shat out of me. 

 

This is where it gets weird.  Every in-law in that family has been targeted by a stalker.  This is inter-generational.  His mother would tell me stories of her mother stalking her brother's ex-wife. 

 

Yep, grandma had a key made to her son's house.  She allegedly used it after stalking his wife and caught her in bed with another man.  Her story about catching the wife in adultery mode caused a divorce. 

 

They brag about that. 

 

This generation has ten children.  Two to the aunt.  Three to the first uncle.  Two to the second uncle. Three to my mother-in-law. 

 

Do you want to guess how many have been married? 

 

All but one.  500 pound Shannon has never been married.  Shannon is the person who admits to stalking me.  Shannon is the person who pulled a gun on our neighbor. 

 

Most of the ones who were married were married less than two years.

 

Two of them have been married less than five years.  They moved far away and I hope they keep their wives from their gossipy, stalkish and abusive father. 

 

 

Do you want to guess how many have been married over fifteen years?  Three of them.

 

Of those three, do you want to know the fates of the in-laws? 

 

One allegedly killed himself after his wife left him do to her family's gossip. 

 

The other, who I knew quite well, was stalked incessantly by his in-laws.  His solution to the problem is quite novel.  He became an over the road truck driver and is only home three nights a year.  He is the one married to the cousin trying to put together parties to force everyone together. 

 

The third person is me. 

 

The more I look at it, the more it is beginning to appear to be a systemic issue. 

Maybe I do need to get one of them arrested.

 

I want to get the heck away. 

 

There has got to be a way to stop the stalking or to catch them in the act. 

 

I'll find it if they don't move on. 

I have a couple of friends who say stuff like this:

"Look at yourself!!  You don't even know whether you are married and you're sticking around like a loon trying to find your stalker!  Just leave already!!"

Ummm....the stalking will pick up the moment I file for divorce.  It would be best to get the bozo caught now than deal with it while trying to rebuild my life. 

I want to move on without my stalker(s). 

The cops say that he is the stalker. I don't trust the cops after what I endured from the city attorney's office.  As individuals, the officers are stellar people.  It is the system that I have a tough time trusting.  The city manager's office abuses the employees; they are often bullied into harassing citizens.  I don't blame the employees, I blame the city manager for the problem.

And, there is some evidence that the cops may be right.  My ex claimed his therapist suspects NPD.  Narcissistic men will yell at people when they are embarrassed.  On the days that I am stalked and tell my ex about it, he will yell at me for hours on end. 

Every time his parents or sister act up, he screams and rages at ME! 

He could very well be the stalker.  I wish I knew.
 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Confusion

Today I am thankful for confusion because it is a sign and a signal that something is screwed up.

I tried to go one Christmas without arguing with the guy in the basement.  I really, honestly tried. 

We made it until midnight without harsh words.  So, technically, we made it through a Christmas without a fight. 

We don't really fight.  It is more like one of us expressing a concern and the other person saying that no problem exists. 

Tonight it was my fault.  I told him that I was terrified that I was going to cheat on him.  It would be nice to actually end our marriage, or failing that, ending the ambiguity about our relationship.  I haven't been with a guy for....gasp...years!

He said 'I know'. 

That's it.  He knows.  There is no solution.  Nothing...

I went on to say that it would be nice to put an end to the stalking. 

He knows. 

It would be nice for me to be able to hold a job. 

He knows. 

It would be nice to know if I should unpack or pack. 

He knows. 

Oh, goodness, we went on for ninety minutes like that. 

I was frustrated. 

I am frustrated. 

I think I'm attracting a couple of guys into my life who would be willing to help me stop feeling so frustrated. 

I decided that I should stay away from men, even if they are witty, funny and have their names printed on my underwear.   

Darn....

Merry Kissmass,

S.

Potential Personality Disorder Diagnosis

Today I am thankful that someone I know has a label.  

I've been trying to leave an abusive relationship for several years.  I couldn't understand him.  For years, he was more concerned with what other people thought about him than our relationship.  

I'm supposed to put on a good show.  

For over a decade, he defined our relationship as a fake marriage.  

He told me yesterday that his therapist suspects Narcissistic Personality disorder and thought about referring him to get an MMPI.  An MMPI is a personality test.  It is not infallible and it is not concrete but it can give people a starting point in defining why one has difficulties relating to others. 

He told me that his therapist pointed out that that he could only see his own perspective and is incapable of understanding the perspective, needs, desires, and goals of other people.  

He also told me that his therapist noticed that he twitches when he is asked to talk about other people, most notably me.  This is why they suspect a traumatic brain injury.  

He told me that he twitches when he fights away his urge to rage and ends up censoring what he says.  

This is not a TBI.  It IS narcissism!!  

I'm terrified now.   

This is an interesting development.  

First, it is interesting in that it explains a heck of a lot.  It explains why he thinks I didn't need pain medication after going into labor after a severe car crash; he was tired and thought I would just sleep!  He flippin' raged at me for asking.  

There are other situations but the one above illustrates narcissism quite nicely.  

It also explains the stalking.  The stalking is to keep me under his control.  It explains the financial control and the lying.  This diagnosis explains everything quite nicely.  

I have an amazing friend who is a psychiatrist.  He is very close to the first family in the city in which I live.  It is truly a small world, isn't it? 

My psychiatrist buddy is really kind to me.  He gives me career advice.  He does his best to keep me grounded in reality and looking outside of the false reality I have in this relationship.  

I spent yesterday morning with him.  We went to breakfast and spoke of personality disorders.  I never told him about my estranged spouse's suspected NPD.  

He told me that sometimes when people are living in severe conditions, such as being a prisoner of war, they can test high for psychopathology (e.g. narcissism).  In some instances, being unempathic can be a survival mechanism.  

I wonder if this can be true of a man whose mother uses guilt to manipulate.  I mean, if you grow up with a mom who is constantly making you feel guilty for going to college, dating girls, or not giving her your entire paycheck - could this make one a narcissist?  

I know he was the golden child.  He was the boy who could do no wrong, except when he told her that he was interested in me.  He recently confided that he was taught that he should always get what he wants.  If I don't give him what he wants, he'll rage at me.

It's a good thing that physical conditions make nakedness together an impossibility.  

Perhaps someday I can study whether or not narcissism can be transitory.  It is a novel concept for me.  In shrink school, it tends to be taught as a permanent condition.  

The pending diagnosis gives me a template for dealing with my estranged spouse.  Everything I need has to be couched in terms of how it can be of benefit for him.  

Thus instead of saying 

"I need to work because I like to buy food for the kids." 

I need to say 

"If I work, you don't have to pay me alimony." 

-or- 

"If you let me finish my Ph.D., I will be forced to pay YOU alimony." 

I'm working on it.  

Sigh...

I'm really angry at myself for getting sucked back into my ex's life.  I have feelings for another man and only today realized that may have feelings for me.  It was easier when I thought he wasn't interested.

Now I'm worried about him. 

I offended him.  

Do you know how? 

I made a Facebook posting that was a slap in his face.  

He made three comments on it....within minutes of each other.  Other men made kind comments about it.  One suggested an attraction but my friend's comments were the ones that made me emotional.

Yes, there is one guy who actually makes an effort to find something funny in my dry humor.  Yes, this guy does laugh at the rare gem.  Yes, there is one guy who tried to be romantic towards me but we always get together right about the time my world falls apart.

I know he tried to give me what I craved yet I backed away.  I don't know what to do.  

His way of asking me if I was available was to ask if he could take a picture of me messing around with my lover in order to cause a scandal in the press.  I wanted a scandal because I was tired of playing politics but, alas, I honestly have no partner for those kind of photos.  My scandal would have to be less....sexy.  

My lack of a partner does not convey availability.  Narcissists are scary dudes.  His family is scarier.  I want to be far, far away or make sure he moves on before I bring another man into my life.  I do not want anyone else to be in the line of fire.  

I've got to get away from the drama.  

There are two ways to do this....

I can move far, far away....

-or- 

I can pray my ex finds a hotter girlfriend.  

My attitude is that if it were meant to me between myself and my friend, it would be easier for me to disentangle myself from the present situation.  Since I have been unable to do so, maybe it isn't meant to be.  

That hurts.  

It doesn't mean I haven't noticed his efforts.  I just don't know how to respond to them.

I can't drink alcohol anymore.  It numbs me too much, so that I can't pray for my friend's happiness.  I don't eat so much sugar.  I don't notice other men.  I really want to clean up my life now.

I even want a car that won't scare the wits out of my friend.  I'm also saving money up for a new pair of glasses, so I will actually see him the next time he's hunting for me in a parking lot.

My daughter told me that it was nice having an adult male actually listen to her.  She was tickled to learn that there was animation software out there.  I'm glad they met.  I think it changed her life.

I wish I could clean up my mess.

The worst thing is that some guy offered me a little money to go into the studio and do some voice overs for him.  He told me that I was needed and he wanted to help me.  I've been trying to work past the stuffed up sensation in my nose for crying so much.  It slows me down as I have to edit out the sniffles.

Thank goodness for sudafed.

I've got to get back to the studio.  

Love ya, 

S.  

Medical Based Abuse Excuses

Today I am thankful for medically based abuse excuses.

I'm being a bit sarcastic here. 

Those shrinks that blame traumatic brain injuries for controlling behaviors are incredibly off base.  Control is due to a delusion that some men have that they are special and deserve deference. 

It is not due to an organic cause. 

Besides, I have checked into this possibility numerous times over the past twenty years. 

A neurologist cleared him. 

Sigh....

Some people can't believe that men can be dorky control freaks, so they have to make excuses. 

Don't let your daughters fall for that. 

Love ya,

S. 

Dumb Bunny Politicians

Today I am thankful for dumb bunny politicians. 

Just one month...that is all I ask.  

Please, little whining cry babies, let me have one month of peace without your crap touching someone that I come into contact with.  

Please....

I was a shut-in for six months.  My phones didn't work.  Still, the local government's antics bit me in the side.  

They wanted to bitch about my tree.  

They wanted to poke.  

They wanted to prod.  

People would write me letters about the abuses of the city government.  

I can't get away from it!!  

I have been a freakin' angel despite their abuses.  

Yep...I have been a kind old lady.  

I even dyed my red locks brown to hide from the public.  

I put away my cauldron.   I send my djinn on errands to save little children in the third world from predator drones.  Okay, okay, I have to say that because my stalker thinks I'm a Satanic witch.  I've gotta live up to that expectation.   If I were an evil witch, that person would be working for Prison Industries making saddles for my big fat bottom.  I wish....just teasing.  

Still....

I didn't say a word about the realtor council people pushing through an overpriced redevelopment bid.  I didn't say word one about LEED developer on council who would possibly profit from some of their antics.  

In fact, I never mentioned this to my activist buddies.  If we dug far enough, I'm sure we could find some council connections.  

I only wrote to warn the mayor that using a variant of his name on a forum where he is fighting accusations of corruption that no one has made makes him look incredibly guilty.  I was just being friendly.  If he fails to take that advice, other people will jump down his throat now.  

I wasn't happy when he made up an excuse to humiliate a friend of mine by claiming my friend called him a thief.  I didn't say anything then but it's been annoying me for a darn long time.  

What a stupid narcissistic toadstool!  With in-laws like mine, I've been trained to spot a divide and conquer technique in a New York minute.  

I tried to warn him.  

He's messing with a hypnotist!  I know how to hypnotize large groups of people.  

Do the politicians want another demonstration?  

Last time I was quite the comedian about it.  This time, I won't be so darn funny.  

I'd rather not... 

I have a smaller fish to fry now.  He's a puffer fish.  He makes himself all big and scary to try to dissuade me from telling him from what orifice he would remove his big fat head.  

But...today due to a twist of fate, the washing machine broke.  

Last week, the sewer backed up.  Our city charges three times what other municipalities charge for water.  People don't water their trees.  The roots, in an instinctual hunt for water, grow into the sewer lines and clog everything up.  

People put toxins in their sewer lines to kill the roots, which kills the trees, which pisses off this step-daughter of a Cherokee Indian.  

I'm not happy. 

I was behind on the laundry due to the sewage.  Everything in my ex's domain was damaged.  I need to wash it or he'll smell to high heaven.  If he stinks, he'll lose his job and I'll have to pay alimony.  So, I'd best do the laundry until the legal woes are over.  

This morning, the friggin' washer broke.  

So we needed to get parts.  

We went down to the one appliance repair store in the city.  It is run by a talkative ol' fella.  He's been there as long as I can remember.  

Wanna know what our code enforcement freako did?  

He fined him until he painted his brick building to match the new development going in!!!  

Do we really need to make our code enforcement guys pass decorating assessment before hiring them?  

Who in the world is dumb enough to paint brick?  

That is the tackiest thing I have ever heard of!!!   

Does the code enforcement guru wear socks with his sandals?  What kind of fashion disaster makes a small business owner paint a brick building?  

Geesh!!!  

Now, I have stayed silent about the city buying up buildings from their buddies at six times their worth while exempting them from EPA standards.   

I'm not happy.  

I have a relative who lives within a mile of a place they are buying up.  This building is leaking benzene into the local water supply.  In TWO YEARS she has lost TWO puppies to cancer!  

They want to buy this building at six times its value while exempting the owner from facing sanctions due to poisoning the water.  That is the older part of town.  Poor families and elderly people live there!  They don't have access to the best health care in the world.  

Why are they suffering due to the stupidity of those in power??? 

I'm NOT happy!  

The business owner I spoke with today said that the city is trying to buy up all the old buildings on his block.  

Does the mayor really want to pique my curiosity?  

IF NOT, he'd best get out of bed with the developers.  

It is not the place of government to dabble in real-estate with taxpayer funds.  

Pissing off politicians is a fine distraction from dealing with an asshat at home.  

Wanna play with me?  

If not, leave my neighbors and my money alone.  

Love ya, 

S.  

Internet Addiction

Today I am thankful that my ex has an internet addiction. 

So, if you know me you know that I live with my ex.  You know that he lives in the basement and that I have my own bedroom on the third floor of our suburban home.  

His mother spread lies about me around Thanksgiving of 1999.  Due to her stories, he basically quit talking to me.

The holidays here are hell.  I haven't really celebrated them since 1999.

He freaks out whenever I leave, so I've stayed.  .  

By freak out, I mean threaten to kill people, driving like a monster, and punching holes in walls.  

He went into therapy in 2001 and I thought it would do him a world of good.  

It hasn't.  

In April of 2006, he came home from spending a day with his mother and called me his ex.  He moved into the basement.  I've been alone since then.    

I've been trying to divorce him since that day.  Within a month of my retaining council, he lost his job.  

I've stayed to help him find work.  I'd go to networking events and parties with him.  It took five years for him to get hired.  

When he found his job, he took every penny we had and threw it into his 401K.  I got stalked and was forced to quit my job.  My car hasn't run.  The phones don't work.  His bill collectors are terrorizing me.  My life has been hell due to the stalkers and bill collectors. 

He filed bankruptcy on Friday.  It was either that or the lawyer we hired would have been disbarred.

I threatened her.  

I have powerful frenemies.  If I file bankruptcy, they can discredit me when I get a little too close to sharing the truth of their stupid conspiracies.  

It's a win-win.  

Now, I can get on with my life.  I can go back to working online without having bill collectors tweet me or leave me so many voice mails that they take up all my time answering them.

I was sad to see the credit report.  My portion of the debt was very little.  I can possibly pay it back after the dust settles.  It's a karma thing with me.  I was happy to see that my credit score was actually in the good range despite the problems.  

I don't understand my ex.  

He's begging.  He's pleading.  He wants me to stay with him.  

He needs a mother.  

I can't do that.  I want a man to love.  I don't have that here.  

There is no intimacy whatsoever.  

I am realizing that sexless marriages are a tad bit tough on the self-esteem.  

I feel incredibly ugly and don't understand what the men that hit on me see.  

I figure that I must attract men who need glasses.  I don't know.  

I get so depressed that I forget to eat.  I only realized on Friday that this is why I have vertigo.  Apparently, low potassium causes vertigo and fainting.  This is something that started in August of 2008.

I ran into my high school sweetheart that month.  He told me that I was pretty.  He told me that I should take a risk and get out of my situation.  He said that I could always find someone to share my life with.  It made me sad because it directly contradicted everything that I had been told since 1999.

The weird thing is that I didn't breathe a word about the situation to him.  He just knew I was in pain.

I think he short circuited my brain that day.  I had my first bout with vertigo upon walking away from him that day.  I ended up in the emergency room two days later.

This has been going on for four years now.

On Thursday, my vertigo was so bad that my ex nearly took me to the hospital.  I got sick.  I started sweating heavily to the point my clothes were incredibly damp and I fainted.  I managed to make my way to my bedroom but later that day he told me that he was afraid to check on me for fear of finding me dead.

He went out and bought me Gatorade and bananas after being told that my issue was low potassium.  I know he cares but I don't believe that this man loves me at all.

He's not a bad person.  I'm just not sure that this relationship is right for either one of us.

Tonight my ex was telling me to stay.  

I told him I'm alone.  

He argued with me.  I can't be alone, he posits, because he doesn't want me to feel alone.  

He goes on to say that he didn't mean to hurt me, so therefore, I don't hurt.

The logic of narcissists....it is so insane that it hurts.  

After a few rounds of this, he walked off without saying a word, leaving me to sob. 

I guess there was something fun for him to do on the internet.  You know, him walking off like that isn't a bad thing.  It shows me what he really thinks of me.  

I'm nothing to him.  

Listen....men....if you want to save your marriages....

sleep with your wives. 

More importantly.....

never.....ever....leave her to cry herself to sleep.  

Don't drag out your silent tantrums for thirteen years.  I don't know how to fix this as it has gone on far too long.  

I only want to leave without bankrupting him.  I guess it is too late for that.  I don't want to leave him broke and living off of nothing due to alimony.

The problem is that I get stalked when I go to school or work and it makes it hard to make a living.  The cops claim it is him.  He claims it is his sister.  His sister does brag about stalking me but I don't know if she is doing it at the request of my ex or if she just has nothing better to do with her time than annoy the hell about of me.

I have no clue why anyone would waste the time of day following me around.  I'm nobody!

I'm a nobody in severe pain.  

I'm angry with myself because I started to get feelings for a friend of mine.  We cut each other off.  I fear hurting him and I think he's angry at me because I'm still in the midst of drama.  

He's a great guy.  He doesn't drive, so I have driven him a couple of places.  He's pretty calm when I'm speeding down the highway and nearly rear end big rigs.  He just sweetly asks me if I see all those pretty lights shining really super close.  Since I don't want to eat metal, I hit the brakes.

He doesn't rage or threaten.  He just looks at me like I'm insane.

I think he hid money in my car.  I just found it today.  I guess I can go out and buy some potassium supplements so I don't faint anymore.  

He really is a wonderful human being.

Wow...

I think my feelings for him are depressing me more than anything else.  A man came forward to offer me the one thing that my heart wanted and I am terrified of hurting him.  So I avoid him and anything associated with him.  I hate seeing confusion in his face.  It hurts too much to see it.

Maybe he has found a new love interest by now.  I know he was playing the field.  Smart men do that.  

I will nix the Christmas gift.  I wanted to buy them movie passes.  He has the most beautiful laugh and the first time I heard it was at a theater.  I wish the world could hear it more often.  

I really do not know what to do.  I'm very close to moving out of the city.  

I can't think of another way to get away.  

I'm sure everything will work out.  

It has to work out.  

Love ya, 

S.  

Curses for a Shooter's Father Figure in CT

Today I am thankful for curses. 

There is some asshole of a man out there who taught his son to disrespect his mother.  His son, being a psychopathic piece of crap, shot her to death this morning and proceeded to kill 20 schoolchildren and six more adults before doing the world a favor and offing himself.

I will curse the father so he lives a shell of a life.  If he's dead, may the demons have mercy on his soul.

Any man, who teaches his son to disrespect his mother is a piece of crap.

My father-in-law is a piece of crap because he taught his son how to treat a woman.  My daddy taught me how to kick a man in his crotch.

As of this morning, I neutered the guy for being a stalking piece of crap.

Look buddies, if you spill your semen, be a dad.  Don't beat your wives.  Don't tell them that all women are untrustworthy and then expect them to mind your wives.  That short circuits a little boy's brain.  If I had a nickel for every occasion my ex told me that all women are stupid, so they should be ignored, I'd be quite wealthy.

One can easily see why my ex always gets fired when he has female bosses.

My Father-in-law must have been a work of art.  I've been with his son over twenty years.  He leaves me every time his parents act out.  I only learned this morning that his father would do the same thing with his mother.

He must've hit her, too.

I don't have time to chew assholes out today.

Let's just say that the government fricken' subsidizes bad behavior on the part of men.  Welfare is for women who married selfish-cheapskates that won't take care of their kids.  Why can't we teach men to respect women?   Why can't we push for equal pay?  Why can't the government be a leader in this area?

The U.S. government is the biggest discrimination machine on the planet.  If you don't believe me, start at the local level.  Check out your state laws and read the little snippets pertaining to discrimination.

Odds are that politicians, local governments, and quasi-governmental entities are exempt from any state level workplace or discrimination law.  This is why bullying is rampant on the public level.  Public employees are bullied into bullying taxpayers.

Research in this realm has become my life's work and the crazy crap I've had to do to get my information is insane.  Literally, this is why I ran for office.  I ran for office to get close to people abused by the local government.  I've got to go give an interview to that effect in a few moments, which is why my post is going to be short and sweet.

If only the 20 year old idiot (whose name should never cross our lips) had been taught to respect women and children, we wouldn't have to mourn so many dead today.  I'm going to bet that when the details come out, most of the adult casualties were female.

Good going to the shooter's father!  You're a piece of shit!

Good going to all the flippin' misogynists out there.  You are no better.

This shooting is not about gun control.  This shooting about misogyny, filicide, and male privilege.  This is about a pathological person acting out against people that he perceived as less powerful on a social scale than he.

Women and children don't have real political power.  We are getting there but we have to fight for it.

As far as mental illness, aside from personality disorders, men don't usually get diagnosed with a mental illness when they become violent asswipes.  The DSM is incredibly political and gender-biased (which is another article for another day).  It is about time we as a nation changed that perception on a social and political level; we need to recognize that women and children are equal to men.

I may begin to go so far as to suggest that it is about time we make abusive machismo a mental illness.   

Siegfred out.

Love ya,

S.

Defensiveness

Today I am thankful for the defensiveness people display when they screw up.  

Examples include

- the child who insists that they 'did not take a cookie from the cookie jar.' 

- the husband who insists that he 'did not have sex with that woman.' 

- the mayor who continues to maintain that he is disgusted and shocked when people accuse him of 'criminal activity and stealing taxpayer funds.'  

The later likes to do this out of the blue.  He claims that people say these things on videos and online forums where I cannot hear or see such insults.  This man has does this on more than one occasion.  He has a trio of council people who follow him on his rants.  They will literally freak out and copy the mayor for no good reason.

I don't get it.

I mean, people can try to give him hints on how to pass a tax hike and he'll interrupt them and accuse them of calling him a thief when the person said no such thing.

To me, this behavior is screaming " I have a guilty conscience!!".     It's sweet to find a politician with a conscience at all.  That's why I like the guy.  He cares and he betrays himself.  

This is the second time I've noticed this behavior in the mayor.  I'm beginning to wonder what he did.  

So, today I tried to warn him when he used a pseudonym on an online forum.  It was a variant of his name with the word "free" inserted.  It's a little obvious who the writer was.  

Here is the deal folks: The subconscious mind does not usually hear negatives.  

So, telling someone that you do not want to run your slimy tongue up and down his or her back, usually ensures that the other person hears that you want to use them as a salt lick.  

Got it?  

The first time the mayor got defensive after mishearing a person addressing council, he hurt a dear friend of mine.  Today someone using a variant of his name did that online trying to thwart public opinion.

I tried to warn him out of respect.  If he doesn't listen to me, it's not my fault.

No matter who you are, do not go on and on defending yourself against accusations that have never been made.  It doesn't make the person you go off on look bad.  It makes you look guilty of something.

And stop inserting so many negatives into your sentences.  Speak simply.  Speak honestly.  Speak from the heart and you'll resonate with people more than chewing them out for imaginary nonsense.

I hope the mayor and the three council members who did the same thing put a stop to it NOW.   

I do not want to find out any more details of their shenanigans.  

Don't make me come back.  

Please....

Oh crap, I feel adrenaline   Darn it!!! It's too late.

I still blame the city's tax audit boss for dragging me into politics with her harassment of my family.  It was so nice not knowing about the abuse of taxpayers.  I am very sure that there is a special place in Hades for government employed bullies.

My job is to give people who abuse taxpayers a tiny taste of it on earth.

Love ya, 

S.  

Anorexia

Today I am thankful for being a former anorexic. 

When I was a teen I suffered a bout of anorexia following my modeling experience.  I think I actually ate more than the other girls.  I had a 500 calorie per day diet. 

My high school sweetheart took matters into his own hands.  After school he asked me to take him out to eat every night and always shared what I bought him.  Back then, I figured that he was growing and always hungry.  Now, I realize that he did that for me. 

In fact, to this very day, we still fall into old patterns.  He will only meet with me in restaurants.  He will quiz me about what I ate.  He will still offer me food from his fork or chopsticks.  We both recoil in horror when we realize that we've fallen into the same old arguments.

That poor, poor man. 

Now my old friend would give me gifts of vitamins and protein powder.  These have served me well over the years.  To this day, it is a habit.  I have protein bars stored in case of catastrophes and a few pounds of soy protein powder in the kitchen.  When I forget to eat or know that I won't have time to eat, protein shakes are my food of choice. 

This appears to bother my old friend to no end.

I don't know what the hell is going on in my personal life.  I'm supposed to wait to file for a divorce until my estranged spouse files for bankruptcy.  The clerk says that it hasn't happened yet. 

I was ready.  I had an income.  I had an office.  I found an apartment.  Then he dropped the bankruptcy bomb.  Then he found a job keeping him away from the house and the kids, so I ended up staying here with them so they would be taken care of.  Then the stalking got bad and I had to give up my office.  Then all the money went missing. 

It's like I trusted him and he violated that trust.  I tried to help him and he screwed me over. 

I can't stand the stalking.  I don't mind the idiots approaching me in public.  I hate how they (and I say they even though a majority of time it is my sister-in-law) approach third parties with their malicious gossip and threats.  That is what scares me. 

My sister-in-law brags about it.  This is how I know it is her.  She'll call me or her brother with details of the events.  Sometimes I'll know about the stalking.  Other times I won't know until she says something and I'll ask other people if they were approached by her and find out that they were. 

This last time, though, she didn't brag at all.   I was with my high school sweetheart.  It was insane.  I sat there with him and my ex called to leave a message asking if I was okay because he had the feeling something was going to happen. 

The cops say that this is proof that he is behind the stalking. 

My old friend, as rugged as he is, had to visit me despite having a full leg cast.  So, being the opposite of what he typically allows, I walked him to his car.  It was upon him driving away that the stalker approached me. 

Then, I later found out, he hassled people in my office building.  He was holding my picture and demanding private information about me.  He was reportedly barging into other offices and going through the things on their desks.  He was going on about religion. 

My sister-in-law claims that I am not Christian and guilty of trying to force people to change their faith.  Do you want to guess how many times she's been in a church in her life? 

This terrifies me.  I do not know the man.  He was tall.  He had dark eyes and black hair.  He had a face similar to my estranged spouse. 

I don't know who it is. 

The cops say it was a proxy put in place by my estranged spouse to make sure I wasn't cheating. 

I wish I knew the truth. 

Everything is so weird. 

I have no money for food for myself or the kids. 

I can't understand how in the heck this happened. 

I'm going to look hot when this is over.  Well, maybe not.  My hair looks like crap as does my skin but my figure is going to be much thinner. 

I don't feel hunger pain; this is probably a remnant of those years I battled anorexia.  I have a ton of vitamins and soy protein powder.  I'm good to go.  If it gets really bad, I'll just start making the kids protein powder bread or cakes to keep them going until we can get some funds for food. 

These are the days when I am grateful for my high school sweetheart.  He seems to regret teaching me about alternatives to food.  He has chastized me over it at least once in recent years.  I wish he would realize that in times of crisis, it makes my life easier.

The stalking is really weighing heavily on my mind. 

I know that the stalking is supposed to intimidate me into staying with my estranged spouse.  If I don't do what he wants he threatens to kill himself, he sulks, he yells and he scares the holy heck out of me.  I am literally terrified that he'll kill the kids. 

Maybe I should stay with him.  I'll never have sex again because he wants a mother not a wife but at least the kids are still breathing.  Maybe I need to just suck it up longer despite the obvious pain I am in. 

I wish divorce courts understood domestic violence.  We will not be safe unless we can get away from this guy or he gets some serious help. 

I've been looking for work.  I cannot take any of the jobs I've been offerred thus far.  The employers (two of them) are violating IRS rules about independent contractors.  It's probably best that I not fall for that scam right now.  

They want me to pay several hundred dollars to train me to do the work.  Then they want me to pay my own social security tax and health insurance.  I know why they are doing this.  It is due to Obamacare.  I am certain that we are going to see more of this is the coming months.  The problem, though, is that by directly providing the training they cannot classify me as an independent contractor and this is what puts them in violation of the law.  There will be a lawsuit eventually and I don't want to grow to depend on an income ripped from me by litigation.  This is one of those things that Libertarians like to fight about; government regulations are always destroying income opportunities for the people. 

Maybe I can fight about it when my life gets a little less surreal. 

I'm also very angry at myself for letting myself get feelings for a friend. I don't know what to do.   I wanted to buy him a few movie passes so he could hang out with his daughter.  Any recordings I sell will probably go to food now.  He seems to like movies.

He's the only person in the world that makes me feel comfortable.  Isn't that weird?  When he's around, the shaking is gone.  I feel safe.  I feel understood. 

I'm surprised he hasn't found anyone new by now.  Men like that shouldn't be alone.  It hurts too bad to be alone.  Maybe the universe will gift him a beautiful and available soulmate this Christmas. 

I'm going to steady myself.  My estranged spouse is going to be around the house for the next seven days.  He's taking a vacation.  I'm hoping that it will buy me time to leave for awhile to look for a job. 

It may not.  He may spend that time sleeping in and arguing about crap. 

Heaven help us. 

All I want for Christmas is my ex getting his dream job and a new lady love......in another state. 

Pray for us. 

Love ya,

S.