Police Statement Analysis Training Programs

Today I am thankful for police statement analysis training programs.

 

 

My training in this arena is quite limited.  I know Neuro-linguistic programming and quite a bit about body language. 

 

 

I know little about how police are trained to probe for lies. 

 

I never knew how they knew what to focus on during interrogations. 

 

I never understood how they made sense of my non-sense when I am hysterically crying over some broken lock. 

 

Somehow they always manage to say what I know to be the truth. 

 

Even when the cops were called out here at 2:00 a.m. the morning after I pissed off the city attorney, the cops knew I wasn't telling them the entire truth. 

 

 

I didn't want to bad mouth their boss. 

 

 

How did they know? 

 

Blue words. 

Blue words are words that indicate sensitivity.

They show areas where police officers should probe for further information. 

They show where one is potentially lying. 

 

 

Oh my.....

 

I don't have a lot of time to explain but

 

 

Mike is my stalker.  His sister is helping him. 

 

 

He may or may not let me get out of here alive. 

In the meantime, I'm going to stick up for the city employee that cited me yesterday. 

There was no record of a complaint.  It didn't come from my neighbors. 

 

None of my neighbors were cited. 

 

 

The person wrote of branches in my back yard and rubbish on my porch.  The neighbor throws his clipping, rubbish, and broken branches over the fence.  He's elderly and senile.  He also has severe breathing problems.  I refuse to use weed killer on the property near him out of fear of sending him to the ER.

 

 

He didn't complain about weeds, the solution would harm him.  This is not to mention his numerous code violations.  I don't want him cited. 

Senile people can be quite violent.  He can get pretty interesting at times.
 

The person who broke the lock was the only one who could complain.  Someone managed to break my fence about the same time as the back door dead bolt was busted, so no one can get through the yard as the hinge mechanism is stuck. 

 

The code enforcement guy did not go into my yard due to the broken fence. 

 

So...

 

Either Mike broke the lock and filed the complaint so that I would give him the house out of fear 

 

-or- Mike had his sister do it to scare me for some reason. 

The other possibility is that the code enforcement officer is being targeted by the city attorney. 

Working at the city is akin to living in a Logan's Run movie. 

You hit a certain age and they want to kill your career. 

 

They levy hefty and illegal workplace fines based on vague criteria and do this to intimidate people from blowing the whistle or into quitting their jobs. 

I've been investigating it for years but suspended the investigation due to my ex signing an agreement that his wife won't speak of the issue.

 

In less than 90 days, I will no longer be his wife. 

 

I will speak to the issue and still allow my ex to honor his agreement. 

When I ran for the highest office in the city, I heard stories that actually made me appreciate unions.

If you know me, you know that is a big mind shift for me. 

I have told the liberals I'd do anything to get a union here if the people voted for it.  I think the fines intimidate city employees into harassing citizens in order to meet quotas.  Many people pay more in fines than in property tax. 

I tend to view fines as a tax. 

Maybe the union would stop the workplace harassment that leads to citizen harassment. 

Maybe unions would lower taxes in that people wouldn't pay that gotcha tax.

I have a huge thesis on the topic.  It will be posted soon. 

 

Yesterday, when it came to backyard citations on the block, I was the only one cited. 

The rental property next door wasn't.  Usually, they are cited and the code enforcement guy cites me in an effort to be fair because some of their weeds have entered onto my property.
 

Maybe the code enforcement guy was trying to get my attention. 

Why?

 

There was no record of a complaint.  I asked, hoping to prove Shannon was in my back yard.  She used to mess around with animal control and file complaints against me.  I was hoping she did the same with the city. 

 

I was gunning for a restraining order. 

If I could prove she was in my yard, I could get that restraining order.  She was sent a cease and desist order in 2002.  I caught her trying to break into my house last fall. 

I need to prove she is still coming around in order to get that court ordered protection. 

Maybe this isn't about Shannon or Michael breaking the lock to the back door. 

Maybe this is about an over 40 code enforcement officer being given a quota and an unfair amount of time to meet that.  Failure to meet such quotas tend to result in cash fines which equal 75% of one's weekly salary. 

These cash fines are illegal.  They are only allowed if written into union contracts. 

Our city likes to union bust.  Only the police and fire department have unions. 

If you fight the fines, you are harassed and vilified as being violent (if you are male) or not being a team player (if you are female).  I've researched this for a couple of years. 

If this is about abusing a city employee, I need to get back into the game. 
 

So, today....my websites about the illegal fines and age discrimination at the city went online again. 

 

The police are right. 

They've tried to protect me. 

 

I'll try to be gentle with their chief but I can't save him from whatever the higher ups are doing to him. 

He is being blamed due to an order the Feds allegedly gave his officers last year. 

I tried to do an open records request but it was denied due to alleged FBI involvement. 

If the local yokels would leave me alone, I probably wouldn't give a hairy rat's ass what the Feds were doing. Seriously....if the lower level egotistical jerks would behave, the politicos on the upper level could play more.   If the city attorney hadn't hassled me, I wouldn't have known about any unethical behavior on the part of the mayor. 

Seriously....blame the Tax Audit Supervisor and her band of crazy lawyers.  They brought down a mayor and a former city manager.  

I'm hoping they bring down a bunch of my frenemies, too. 

I'm working on it. 

Let me tell you something, I surely believe that our police chief is innocent. 

Now, he's being blamed for missing evidence.  I've caught our city attorneys playing games in these cases in order to protect city interests.  I can't prove anything, though. 

The victims never sued or pressed charges.  It's not my place to put someone through hell in order to prove a point. 

My analysis of his body language is that he is fair and honest.  That's why I edited his Wikipedia page to remove and soften the abusive language of his critics. 

 

I got caught by the press, so I can't do that anymore.  

 

I'll cast a spell for the code enforcement guy and the chief, may they find a more abundant opportunity elsewhere.  Next Day Edit:  It took twelve hours for the three hour candle to burn down.  It was clean.  I'll cast again the Sunday after the new moon to make sure the spell holds.  God Speed my friends.  Don't leave your jobs until you find a new one.  Mercury is Retrograde, spells can be tricky this time of year.   

 

I'm sorry....people over 40 know their stuff.  It's a shame when an HR department can't figure that out. 

 

I'll finish learning about blue words and police interrogation techniques. 

 

I'm shocked! 

Guilty people tell a lot of stories.  They never answer the questions directly and give a lot of non-related information. 

And the best thing I learned today is that innocent people will NEVER consider the fact they are guilty.  They won't say things like "yes, I'm the stalker" -or- "maybe I am stalking you" -or- "I asked my cousin to track down a man you haven't seen since you had color in your hair because I was jealous."

So, he wasn't lying when he said he hid $47,000 from me. 

Wow....

Just wow.....

I should've become a cop...

No...never mind.  I'm a klutz.  I'd be dead if I were a cop and given my stupidity, so would half the city.

I'll leave that dream to die. 

They should teach this blue word stuff in graduate school!! 

I know who my stalker is. 

Woo hoo!

If I can get Shannon to admit to being in my back yard, I'm sending the Code Enforcement Division one heck of an anonymous fruit basket. 

City management is on a health kick.  When I wanted to be the mayor, I got an email claiming that they fire people for being fat. 

I'll send them apples instead of Starbucks.  I don't want to get anyone fired or illegally fined.   

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 



Divorce

Today I am thankful for divorce 

(and 9 black candles with clove oil).  

I'm getting hassled by code enforcement....again.  Someone was in my back yard and complained about the trash on my deck.  No one can see the trash containers unless they are standing on the deck.  

The deck encompasses the back door leading into the kitchen.

This is the door that had the broken locks.

I spent the night trying to talk to my ex to try to get a sense of whether or not he knew who was complaining.

I'm thinking that if I can get the name of the complainant, it may actually give us proof of the stalking and give me the identity of the person who broke our locks.

After six hours, he said that his brother likes to pick locks and noted that every apartment that I've rented had damaged locks.

He told me that if he didn't give his family members keys, they would damage my locks.

So, it would appear they have been breaking in my homes since before we were married!!

Creepy....

He doesn't know why his sister is harassing me.

He admitted to lying to his family about me.  Apparently, he has told them details of my life that I didn't know about.  They knew about our sex life, my former boyfriends, my hobbies, my education, my hopes and my dreams.

Creepy...

He doesn't know why they stalked me at work or at school.

He doesn't know why I caught his sister trying to break into the house.

Then he bitched at me telling me that he was not going to pay alimony because I needed to get a "damn job."

The funny thing about that is that this is what the City Attorney said he told his boss right before she fired him.

I didn't believe Donnielle at the time but maybe she was telling the truth.

Maybe he was bragging about being abusive to me.

Oh, geez....I know I went to bat for her when she lied and claimed he threw me into the wall (because I thought it was her working through a past trauma with her abusive ex).  I threatened the HR guy with exposure if he fired her over it.  He broke a couple of laws.

Maybe Donnielle and the City Attorney were going to bat for me, too.

Him yelling at me and threatening me with money was exceptionally hard to take.

This is something that has happened a lot over the past fifteen years.   I get a job opportunity and I end up stalked or threatened.  My car gets taken from me.  I'm used to it.

He told me that he plays with money and gets financially controlling to keep me here.

I've been trying to get a traditional job so that he doesn't have to pay alimony or for my health care.  As an Entrepreneur, I can't get a stable income or insurance.  I need to get a reliable source of income and a traditional job.

This month, I hit the scene hard.  I enrolled in a job training program and the next day, my ex took my car.

In fact, he had both cars.

After a couple of weeks, I found myself suspending my job search to take on activities solely meant to help him keep his job (e.g. letting him take my vehicle to and from work, doing his laundry, cleaning up after him, tending to him when he had the stomach flu, packing food for him, making his dinner, finding a doctor to see him because he wrenched his knee, trying to budget for his car repairs and a surgery he wants, providing unpaid child care, and anything else that can help him keep his job until the transportation situation improves).

This was supposed to be temporary until he fixed his car and I could resume my job search activities.

Why should I help him if he refuses to help me?

Tonight he became violent about my alleged laziness.

I am terrified right now.

His behavior is scaring me.

I can't pinpoint why.

It just scares me.

I may end up leaving him with the house and taking the kids to a battered women's shelter.

I hate to do that but maybe it is time to ask for attorney fees so I can push this divorce through.

Something is wrong here.

I will do a banishing spell...again.

I am terrified.

Love ya,

S.

Love

Today I am thankful for love. 

Up until a couple of days ago, this is what I thought of love. 

Love was always the disaster. 

Friendship set on fire was okay. 

It was just when some guy wanted to shove a damn golden ring on my finger -

everything went to hell in a hand basket. 

I swore off love. 

I swore off marriage. 

The only kind of committment I would agree to would involve a huggie jacket. 

I thought that I just wanted to find someone to mess around with.

He had to be smart. 

He had to be fun.

He had to be a friend.

I did find the perfect guy.

He seemed like it would be good for him, too because the first time I met him I caught him staring at my butt...

Speaking of buts.....

I liked him too much....

to use him like that.

After getting to know him, I learned that he has more ethics in his little finger

than I have in my entire body. 

So...I couldn't do it. 

He offered. 

He offered twice.

I couldn't do it. 

I guess that was a test that I somehow managed to pass. 

I've spent nearly two years wondering what would happen if I let myself try with him. 

How would I know what he needed? 

In my religion, men are the embodiment of Eros. 

The one chosen for me must be worshipped as a God or else I risk pissing off the deities of love.

So, if I let myself stop acting like a sacrilegious fool,

how would I know what his needs are? 

As synchronicity would have it, as part of a political conversation about seeing eye-to eye, he sent me a little course on Non-Violent Communication which delves into the topic of communicating with someone in order to identify his or her needs and ensure that they are getting met. 

Okay....

okay....

I guess this is a sign and a signal. 

As soon as I clear away the last box from my ex,

I'm going in. 

Wish me luck. 

Maybe, with any luck, I'll lose the radiation suit, too. 


Love ya,

S. 

Motive

 

Today I am thankful that I'm making connections about motive.

 

Last night, my eldest daughter paid me a visit. She told me that when her father and I were not home, she often heard the front door open and heard footsteps.

She then heard the front door shut.

It always happened during the day.

It always happened when both of our cars were gone on pre-planned trips.

She never told me because she thought it was in her imagination.

She said that this has gone on as long as she can remember.

This is happening to our other daughters.

This is happening to me.

 

***

On my birthday, I caught Shannon with some kind of key inserted into our front door lock.

It took me six months to convince my ex (our home's co-owner) to change the locks. A week after the locks were changed, someone mangled the new lock on the back door.

When I picked up the phone to call the police department, my ex balked.

Now.....I'm beginning to believe that my ex is giving his sister Shannon a key.

He has claimed to be estranged from his entire family, including this sister, for a decade.

 

He's not.

I'm learning that he has been telling them everything about me.

He calls his mother on Valentine's Day. This year, his mother went so far as to claim that all the threats she makes towards me are due to things my ex says.

And this man thinks I'm coming back....

not a chance.

***

STALKING ALWAYS COMES DOWN TO MOTIVE.

In blogging about my ex ranting and raving about how he didn't want me to get attention because he feared that another man would steal me away,

 

I realized something.

He has to be the stalker. Shannon and his relatives are going along for the ride.

As far back as I can remember, his relatives (including two aunts, two cousins, his mother, and his sister) would call me and tell me that i was not allowed to outperform his sister Shannon.

They never told me why.

My ex did.

 

He's afraid that I will run off with another man.

My ex tells me that his sister's motive is jealousy.

Why would that be?

I've only been in the local papers. She's been in the Enquirer and The Star!

You know you're big when you're in the gossip rags.

She's not jealous!

HE IS!

He is jealous of my male friends and is projecting that on to his sister!!

***

The paradox of this is that his controlling behavior, coupled with the stalking, has driven me away.

I'm not coming back.

***

It gets worse.

The twelve year old told me that the stalking only tends to happen when I quit talking to her dad about it.

Okay.....it's so simple a child can see it.

Love ya,

 

S.

The Angel on My Shoulder

 

 

Today I am thankful for my conscience. 

If one where to try to give it a humanized form, it would appear as the little angel on my right shoulder.

When people get stupid and act in abusive ways, she tells me to visualize myself as a bird and fly above the fray. 

The only issue with this is that I have a little devil on my left shoulder. 

She agrees that I am a bird. 

She agrees that I should circle high above the assholes.

The assholes smell like sewage. 

The assholes wouldn't notice anything white that just so happened to come down from the sky. 

Yep...that's my little devil. 

So, my mantra for today is to fly above the bullshit artists

and await the perfect time for me

to share with them my critique of their manner and methods. 

Very nice....

NOT!

Stay out of my way today!

Love ya,

S. 

Exiting A Dead Man's Party

Today I am thankful that I am exiting a dead man's party. 

It's a pity party. 

I think it still counts. 

The sad thing, though, is the realization that this man never truly lived.

***

 



 





I'm not sure what the stalking is about.

What I do know is that my ex would complain to his mother about about me.  I don't think he meant what he said as complaints, rather, they were excuses for what they both refused to do. 

He didn't want to go to college, she didn't want to pay for it - so they blamed me.

He didn't want to have Sunday dinner with her, she didn't want to cook it - so they blamed me. 

It makes sense. 

I am the scapegoat. 

Somewhere along the line, my previous loves (both of them) were dragged into it. 

One is scary.  I doubt they played with him. 

The other lives far away.  Thank goodness. 

I think it's all good now. 

I do wonder, though, what his younger sister expected to find when she tried to break into my house? 

Maybe she expected to find him tied up in the basement, malnourished, with rats nipping at his feet. 

Does he tell her that I tie him up or something? 

That would make sense. 

The truth is that I haven't done that for 15 years. 

Yeah.....I used to do that because that's something that happily married people do

but maybe,

in that kind of anal retentive, narcissistic family, they don't know that.   

So, I'm sorry. 

***

He rented a place in Colorado Springs. 

She won't find him here anymore. 

I'm hoping the break-ins stop. 

The problem, though, is that he expects me to drop the divorce. 

I can't. 

The stalking terrifies me. 

As much as I try to make sense of it, I really can't. 

I want to. 

I can't. 

***

I'm realizing why I'm hesitant with my friend Steve. 

He's too nice. 

It's not real. 

I don't want a fake guy. 

I can't do that. 

That's what led me into this heck hole. 

Be honest. 

Don't be insecure. 

I want a real person.  I don't want someone who has to keep up appearances only to blow a screw loose when all the crap decides to hit the fan. 

When I think about nice guys...

the kind that are too nice (jerks in disguise).

I want to vomit. 

It could be because I'm still sick (mentally and physically). 

I ate ice cream the other day for a birthday party.

I'm allergic to the chemicals in most ice cream. 

It'll take it a week to work out of my system. 

So...I'm still sick from celebrating my final party with an emotionally dead man. 

Ooooh....

***

 



I am still traumatized by the rant I received on 2-14-12. 

We were supposed to file for a divorce that month.  I found out that my ex had stolen half the value of our retirement accounts, refused to pay the bills, claimed to have cleaned out and hidden all of our money and did so because he didn't want me to leave him. 

That was also the day I found out he had asked his cousin to stalk my high school sweetheart (that thought makes me want to throw up). 

The thing that rings in my ears is the phrase "if you were any prettier, I would not have allowed you to leave the house."

He was angry that I was in the paper and received attention. 

That was the day I decided to gain weight so men wouldn't pay attention to me.  I gained 40 pounds.  I've got to lose another 18 to get back to a size 8. 

I'm haunted by that. 

Therapy didn't help. 

My doctor says that getting away will help me. 

Here is my problem. 

My high school sweetheart and I look like brother and sister.  It was creepy.  Logic would dictate that in order to avoid the issue I had with my ex, I should only date people who look like me. 

I tried that. 

I didn't like that.  I adore him but it felt incestuous. 

I looked just like his mother, that man couldn't get too involved in a physical sense. 

I don't blame him. 

It is creepy. 

Sure, familiar isn't a bad thing....but there is such a thing as too familiar!

A few years ago, my aunt sent me pictures of my biological father. 

Care to guess who he looked like when he was younger? 

Yep....

Crap, my jaw is tingling and not in a good way....

****

Steve wrote something to me last spring. 

I think about it and I want to throw up. 

I'm realizing that if I can't keep my supper down, my subconscious mind is trying to force me to look at some issue. 

Here it is. 

What he wrote was something about trying to impress me and him devaluing me because he thought I was out of his league. 

I don't know what the world that means. 

I don't. 

The truth is, when I hear that phrase "out of my league", I want to rent a submarine. 

How many leagues is too many? 

That's stupid. 

The question is what does one find beautiful. 

What is beautiful to me? 

Well...honesty, kindness, openness, a propensity to be a leader rather than a follower, authenticity, living in the moment, compassion, non-materialism, optimistic, romantic, loyal, self-awareness, dignity, assertiveness, kind to those with less (not selfish or greedy).

*****

I always liked bald guys with blue eyes that smell like soap. 

The man that raised me was bald, had blue eyes, smelled like soap, and loved to read.  He wore button up cotton shirts and gray or blue trousers.  He wore these outfits everyday. 

He was always clean, even in the garden. 

I had the wonderful fortune of being raised by my grandparents.  My aunt was just a few years older than I, so I had a big sister.  It was heaven. 

My grandfather was an introvert.  We had a crazy connection since I was a baby.  As far back as I can remember, when my natural parents went bananas, my grandfather would take me out into the garden and put me to work (not sure I did anything, though).  He planted my favorite fruit with me.  We had strawberries, peaches, raspberries, rhubarb, grapes....lots and lots of grapes. 

He planted daisies, orchids, poppies, and roses. 

There were always fresh flowers in the house for Grandma. 

My grandfather rarely spoke but when he did...he shared pearls of wisdom. 

I wanted to be like that.  I wanted to be a person of few words but great meaning. 

We were close. 

I knew when he was diagnosed with cancer.  I felt it.  I knew when he had a stroke.  I felt it.  I knew the day he died because he announced it in a dream. 

If I screwed up, he could help me course correct with just a few words. 

He wasn't sure about my marriage and I should have listened to him.  He was concerned that my in-laws were taking too much of my energy. 

I was lost when he died shortly after my 27th birthday. 

There was a silent understanding between my grandfather and I.  I miss that dearly.  I hadn't realized how much I missed that until I remembered it..... because I felt it again. 

I never thought I'd have that kind of connection with anyone else. 

That's what is beautiful to me. 

My friend is similiar but he's different. 

I love education.  My friend loves  to learn and teach. 

He's clean.  He looks adorable in his button up cotton shirts and dark trousers. 

The other bonus is that he keeps me from getting lost.  I would never get anywhere if he wasn't always showing me the correct course. 

Why doesn't he see how special he is because he's not like everyone else?

It means that he's not seeing the truth of who he is.

I can't be the only woman on the planet to appreciate him. 

****   

What is a league?

I don't understand.

I really don't.

It's not about leagues. 

It's about life. 

It's about living. 

Don't go through life playing dead. 

Love ya,

S. 



Not a Narcissist

Today I am thankful that I'm not a narcissist

because

they can't have hot sex with another human being

 

...ever...

 

Those poor little babies...

They can pretend but if they can't feel, one wonders how they can enjoy the energy. 

It's not my issue any more. 

I admit to being a brat. 

Yes.....

Manipulating them isn't very nice. 

I know. 

It is effective. 

But it is borderline evil. 

I didn't cast a single spell on Lithia. 

Nope. 

I watched Star Trek the Wrath of Khan

over

and over

and over.

So, guess what I'm thinking about? 

Revenge....

is a dish

best

served

cold. 

That's my favorite line from a movie. 

My favorite lyric comes from Oingo Boingo. 

"I used to eat people like you for breakfast."

My stalker had best run away.....

run far away....

don't look back... 

I've got my protection spell in the works and it has nothing to do with cauldrons, superstition, or magick. 

I prefer lasers, alarms, and private investigators.

My ex confessed last night. 

He took back his confession today and brought me a yogurt as a peace offering. 

I'm too sick to eat it.

I'm not going to swallow any bull any more. 

I know what happened now. 

I'm not happy. 

Nope. 

So...

I'm off to try to sleep. 

Go away now. 

If you bother me again,  I will post his admission of guilt on YouTube

and the video of his sister trying to break into my home. 

I will post the answering machine messages his mother left for me

and share those obnoxious emails online to exemplify what narcissists do and say. 

Neither one of you will ever get a job if I show the world what you are. 

Where will you ever get your supply?

Leave me alone. 

Now!

Thank you. 


Love ya,

S. 

 



 



Lithia

I love this YouTube Video.  You call tell the uploader lives near an airport.  I do, too.  The airplanes give a special roar to my recordings, too.  I hate trying to edit them out!

Today I am thankful for holidays.  Happy Lithia.

On the bright side, the day is long which means I'll have less night to feel sorry myself. 

Hooray!! 

Okay, I have no excuse. 

Isis helped me.  Osiris helped me. 

A friend sent me candles.  I burned one of them for five minutes.

He showed up within a day.  He went away.   

I brought them back out.  He came back. 

I cast spells to bring him a real woman.  He went away. 

When I thanked the Gods for showing me that I could actually enjoy being around a man, he came back. 

Aye Curumba! 

I don't know anymore. 

Aphrodite and Eros helped me, too. 

I squirm.  The scars on my face are fading away.  I won't say anything about the Chinese finger trap wish. 

I loved that one! 

There are times it's uncomfortable, so I won't talk about that too much. 

Most of the time, it's nice. 

Dionysus helped me. 

I don't do much with his gift.  He's going to take it away again. 

I probably should audition for a band or paint again or something...

I don't know...

I didn't believe the visions. 

Okay, I still don't. 

Seriously, I must have a massive communication issue with the divine. 

I am confused. 

I am completely and utterly confused. 

My head says he's taking off again because I make him feel disempowered. 

The visions say something else. 

They say he's here to make me learn about life, love, charity and kindness.  He'll help me make up for lost time. 

They say I'm going to be incredibly love struck (which means stupid).

That scares me. 

Do I do anything about it? 

****

Today is one of the most magical days of the year. 

I don't know what to do. 

I really don't. 

My sisters are singing sweet little love songs and playing flutes.   

My brethren are hosting drumming circles and playing flutes. 

I'm here alone acting like I've been possessed by an Empusa while listening to dark minor keyed songs that make me feel dreary. 

Okay, a real Empusa would have fiery red hair and unshaven legs (kinda like a goat).  We all know that unshaven legs are one way to scare the heck out of men so they won't have sex with you.  Empusas hate sex because they dislike men.  To a sexual vampire, sex would be akin to playing with your food. 

I hate stubble.  So I can never really get into character. 

Bummer....

Still, I feel like chasing off men when I tire of my ex's games. 

Tomorrow is a new day....fortunately. 

****

What to do? 

What to do? 

I'm really lonely. 

I want to remedy my heart.

I should ask for work. 

I need to fill my wallet first. 

I could never let a man take care of me.  I have a hard time letting men pay for my dinner.  To this day, it irks a couple of my exes.   Some of them dive for the check.  Some take me out for drinks, I pay.  Then they do dinner after I spend my money. 

I know they want to be needed -but- daddy taught me that lions are meant to laze around and enjoy the sun. 

Lionesses do the hunting. 

Maybe I'm screwed up. 

That's probably why I'm alone and attract narcissists.

My friend rushes ahead of me to pay for things now. 

He's not a narcissist. 

I guess paying for things drives old fashioned guys up a wall. 

He's a single dad.  I made assumptions.  I'm an idiot.  The first time I did that, I made $150 an hour.  I only worked four hours a week but I felt like I should give him a treat.  He's my friend. 

He looked horrified.  I'll stop.

I'm learning that narcissists don't hold the door for you unless other people are watching. To this day, I feel weird when men open the door for me. I'm dealing with it better now.

It is weird when you are not used to it.

I'm getting out of this putting up with narcissists mode I'm in. 

****

I still want a job.  I'm thinking a steady job working for someone else will give me benefits and keep my stalkers from finding me. 

I'm not sure I can make $150 an hour working for someone else and I can't earn a steady income working for myself.  So, I'm thinking that I'd settle for $14 an hour, if I can learn a skill that will help other people. 

I've been trying to write a resume for two weeks. 

I'm lost. 

How does one sell herself on thousands of recordings, published articles, and self-help pieces?

I don't know.  

I've got to get health insurance and figure out how to pay the mortgage on my own.

****

I know what my ex claims he wants in the final financial agreement. 

I don't want the house. 

I hate this house. 

I want the kids to live here so they have their friends and their teachers. 

I don't want to live here. 

The walls....smell of years of abuse. 

I feel stifled here. 

I feel alone and hurt here.

I can't be here...I just can't. 

It's cheaper for him to give me house and custody.  He doesn't want to take care of the kids, they're expensive.  He'll have more disposable income if I take them. 

I guess I'll have to gut the house when it is over so I can tolerate living here. 

I'm rambling....sorry.....

I guess I could cast a spell to find a job. 

I'd rather remember how to love someone with more than thoughts. 

Without a job, though, I'm a loser. 

I need a job. 

I should probably cast a spell. 

I hate doing that because I do tend to go over board with them. 

It's the hour of Jupiter on the Day of Venus. 

I need to think about what I truly want. 

At least I'm in the right frame of mind.

****

The Arcadia song cracks me up because some stalking crazy people claim that I'm the devil. 

I guess that means I own my own soul, eh? 

Yeah, I taught myself to play guitar in exchange for a cigar. 

Yep....

Sure....

Whatever....

If you don't get the reference, many cultures believe that Dionysus, Papa Legba, Satan or some other archetype will give you musical talent in exchange for candy, whiskey, wine, or cigars. 

I give him vervain or is it vetiver.  Whatever it is...it smells pretty good burned on pine.

Hey...I'll teach my crazy stalkers to play bass if they leave me a brass bowl of candy at the edge of driveway! 

Chocolate please (well wrapped so the dogs don't get sick)....and whiskey would be a nice touch.

Maybe having people think I'm Satan isn't such a bad thing. 

Now, I want to listen to Charlie Daniels.



And if you care, Robert Johnson pretty much details the spell here:



I've never done it.  For me, just to tolerate my sound, it takes about 30 hours of practice a week. 

****

Okay....it's late.  I'm sorry.  I was rambling.....again. 

The truth is that I'm confused right now.

Yesterday was a horrible day.  My ex sat there telling me that he took me for granted.  He wants me back.  Yadda....yadda...yadda...

I get this talk every time I move to leave him. 

He'll promise me the world if I stay to help him through one more crisis. 

He'll even go so far as to write out a little contract. 

In the past I'd stay, thinking it was only temporary. 

It's always lonely and celibate. 

He'll break every promise and leave me with less than I had before he wrote out the contact. 

I don't think I'm the devil.  I'm not going to sell my soul to the narcissistic devil in my life ever again!!!

He's burned me too much on this. 

Besides, I wouldn't know how to halt the divorce at this stage of the game. 

Really...I don't. 

I am seriously tempted to run out of the house screaming. 

Goodness.....maybe I'll try to get some sleep.  I'm still not sleeping...at all. 

That's why I'm not making much sense. 

Love ya,

S. 

Public Transit

As much as I think it is overpriced, takes too long, and isn't fair to taxpayers because corporations profit from it, today I am thankful for public transit.  

He took my van again in the middle of the night.

I guess it is gone for good.

He claims he overslept again, missed his ride and took my van....again.

I doubt his friend is going to give him any more rides into work.

I'm glad I've stopped making appointments because I knew this would happen.

This is why I can't live with him....married or not.

I can't share a domicile with him.

I'm still acting like his wife but not getting any benefits out of this arrangement.

I clean for him.  I cook for him.  He still tries to control the heck out of me.

This isn't right.

Everything I own belongs to him and I'm always giving up what I need to bail him out of a jam.

Yes, I did cancel my classes today because I was violently ill and could barely think.

If I had insurance, I would have gone to the doctor.  I don't, so I had to let the fever break on its own.

I feel a little better.

A friend wanted me to offer her moral support at court today.

I can't go because....my van is gone.

Sigh....

How does one have a stable life when someone so unstable is in it?  

Love ya,

S.

Dreams

Today I am thankful for dreams for they show me what I truly fear. 

I had what I refer to as a WTF dream.

In this dream, I'm in my house.

It's clean.

It no longer smells like obese obnoxious man butt.

The carpet has been replaced.

I have Tibetan bowls and red oriental rugs in my bedroom.

There are lots and lots of red pillows with gold trim.

Don't ask me why.

I have allergies.

Decorative pillows turn into little sneeze machines after a while.

I'm frollicking on the carpet with a dear friend who recently got married.

Naked...

If I ever do that, I would expect his darling wife to find my Glock and put me out of my misery.

I could never forgive myself for such a transgression.

I like her more than I like him.

So...it will never happen.

Maybe this goes back to why I treated him like crap years before he met his beautiful wife.

Yeah....it's an older friendship.

Anyway in the dream, we're frolicking around and I'm doing all sorts of stuff to him that I think I forgot how to do.

He's tired.

I'm riled up.

He goes to touch me and I tell him to go ahead and rest because I'm too darn ugly to touch.

See....this is a WTF dream!!

So....

I think this is why I may have not been in a hurry to leave this mess.

I don't think anyone could....touch me on a physical level.

I also think that due to the negativity that surrounds me, I'm pretty darn ugly on the inside, too.

I'm angry.  I'm scared.  I'm hurting.

I fell in love with a friend and I would never let a friend get involved with someone as eff'd up as me.

That dream is weird.

I'm not sure if this is a throwback to the sexless relationship and the messing up my dress incident -or- if I am really ashamed of my appearance.

Wow....at least the dream is insightful.

I guess I ought to consider cosmetic surgery.

Once I find a job with insurance, I'll see a shrink.  I lost my insurance on Monday due to the separation.  Wouldn't you know it?  I'm sick!!  On Tuesday I started to get feverish, broke out in a cold sweat, and can barely breathe.  

I asked my ex about Cobra and he started raging at me.  So, I just let it go.  I'll be uninsured until I find a job.

This is crazy.

They say people tend to get sick when they let go of a lot of stress.  The separation is helping me untangle myself from a lot of stress.  It's hard that he wants to live here a little longer but I think it will keep the stalking at bay.

Really....

I'm sure if someone truly loves me, they're not going to care about scars or stretch marks.  In fact, the scars on my face are worse.  Everyone sees those.  Few people say anything.  Men still ask me out.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I DO worry that I picked up bad communication skills here.

Maybe I ought to do something about that.

If I do truly love my friend, I ought to learn how to communicate with him.

I fear hurting him.  I fear making him feel devalued.  He's a man who doesn't see his own worth and it literally kills me to see how hard he tries to force himself to stand out.  He already stands out.  He just doesn't see it.

On the flip side, I can see that he's hiding who he really is but I ought not to write about that.  It is like he is toning down an aggressive personality.  It's like he's bottling himself up somehow.  That's not going to be pretty when he decides it's not worth keeping his pain hidden away.

I always thought his habit of provoking arguments could be easily remedied by a romp on a red rug.

Love ya,

Feverish S.  

Revelations

Today I am thankful for revelations; religion is going to be a factor in my future relationships.

My friend posted a picture to Facebook.  I'm shocked! 

Why insult the Gods that bring you what you need? 

The following quote is the quickest way to send a Pagan off to buy some rose oil and orris root, bath herself in one while dusting herself with the other before proceeding to hang out at metaphysical fairs knowing she's going to get lucky. 

Maybe I'll just wear my homemade Egyptian Musk. 

I've never met a Pagan that worships the government.  In fact, most Pagans I know are politically agnostic or Libertarian. 

I should know....they worship with me. 

I'll light a candle to Ares and apologize.  I'm too tired to stay up until the hour of Venus and give a sincere and heartfelt apology to the others.  Maybe I can do that on Friday. 

Yeah, originally the archetype of the Gods/Goddesses of Love were not constrained to amorous and sexual encounters.  They were usually the deities of both love and war. 

Perhaps this is a sign and a signal to start hanging out with my Pagan brothers and sisters. 

They understand me. 

Perhaps my friend and I shall meet again in another lifetime. 

Sigh...

The archetypes of the ancient Gods are within all of us, even the Christians.  It's not entirely irrelevant.

Should I ask the coven to cast a negativity binding spell? 

Oh, never mind. 

They're helping me get rid of the stalking.  Apparently, someone broke into the house the other day and no one had the guts to tell me or to call the cops until today.  My eldest daughter was here alone. 

I'm angry!!! 

I believe my daughter.  I also believe that my ex is trying to scare me into delaying the proceedings again.  I am probably much safer away from him.   Staying with him didn't stop the stalking.  I'm going to try severing the cord for good. 

I'm now unsure whether the divorce will stop anything.  I've asked my ex to find out what Shannon wants.  I put all of her mother's things (the handkerchief, some punch bowl set, some honey jar thingy, and any other thing that I was terrified they'd want) in a storage unit in the city where I used to work.  If Shannon is trying to get these things, I ask that she has a third party (not one listed in the Cease and Desist letter) write and ask for them so that she does not get arrested.  HEED THIS: NEVER BREAK INTO MY HOME AGAIN.  

We have surveillance cameras on the property but no one said anything before the tape could be saved.  I'm a little ticked off at that. 

There are other remedies. 

It's been awhile since I invoked Nemesis. 

I don't like casting spells on my own.  The last time I cast a Pagan spell, one of the stalkers died.  I'd prefer to leave that to uninvolved third parties.   They're kinder. 

I've never done a foot track spell. 

I visit cemeteries all the time.  In fact, I put a flag near the resting place of the man who died last time I cast a spell.  Don't make me grab some of that dirt!!  Perhaps a little disease will keep the crazies too weak to break into my home and startle my kids. 

I'm not going to let the stalker drive me crazy.  I'll just do what she fears most, I'll send my alleged legion of demons after her and ask that they expose the truth about her and Doug. 

I'd rather ask that they feed the poor -but- I'm sure they'd like to do something a little more....uh...fun!

They're demons after all! 

It's good to have crazy people think you are the devil. 

But seriously, lay off of my religion. 

Love ya,

S. 

Next Day Edit:

I've been giving a lot of thought to the issue of Shannon (or someone) breaking into our house when we are not home.

Someone is usually home.  It is just that recently, my ex has been promising the children family days with me and him (together as a couple). He, basically, is quite pushy about it and will not take no for an answer.

The day our daughter was scared by someone entering the house, she stayed behind because she was sick.  This was one of those impromptu things he's trying to get us to do as a family.

I've had this experience, too.  We used to have a dog and there would be times when I would hear a door open, hear footsteps, and the dog would go nuts.  I wouldn't let the dog go downstairs and would continue to work.

I had to give the dog away due to the abuse it incurred by my ex.  It bit our daughter after being hassled by my ex.  My mother-in-law threatened to kill it so I had to find it a new home.

I haven't noticed the issue since but then, when I'm alone, I spend a lot of time in my studio and don't hear a thing.

I'm trying to sort this out:

First, there was no damage to any of the locks.  This opens up three possibilities.  I locked the doors myself that day.  I have OCD, you can bet I checked to make sure they were locked.   If someone came in, there are three possibilities;

1.) My ex gave someone a key.
2.) The person has a key.
-or-
3.) The person knows how to use a bump key.

Secondly, this was allegedly an impromptu event.  I was supposed to stay home and work.  My ex expected all of us to go and refused to take NO for an answer until I told him forcing a sick teenager to go was tantamount to child abuse.  The question then becomes how did the person know we were leaving.

On this day, his car wasn't here.  I don't know where it is.  We had to drive my van thus leaving the garage empty (a phenomenon that rarely happens).  How did they know we weren't here?  These are the possibilities;

1.) Someone watched us leave.
2.) My ex told the person we were leaving.
3.) There is a bug in the house.
4.) There is another GPS device on my vehicle (and there may be one on his).

Now, my ex refuses to do much about the stalking.  He blames everyone else.  For awhile I thought I had three distinct stalkers but then, after seeing those family photographs, I realize now that they are all members of the same family!

I have one stalker and many proxies.  The cops say it is my ex.  He swears up and down that it is his sister.  I don't know.

The fact that he doesn't do anything about it makes it seem that the stalking benefits him on some level.  The question becomes why?

1.) They are looking for something.  (what?)
2.) They are trying to scare someone. (who?)
3.) They are here to do something specific (spyware on computer? take pictures?)

Now, here is the weird thing...if my ex is asking his sister to do this, why can't he do it himself?  Why can't he put the spyware on the computers?  Why can't he look for whatever it is he wants?

I need more information.  The very fact that it happens when my ex tries to coerce me into leaving the house with him, makes me highly suspicious.

Maybe I'm not quite out of the woods yet.

Love ya,

S.

The Last Argument

Today I am thankful for the realization that yesterday I experienced the last argument I'll ever have with my ex. 
 

I received the court documents today.  

It hit me,

I'll never have to argue with my ex again.

Anything abusive or stupid that he does will find him answering to the police department or a judge. 

I will help him find the money to "repair" his car.  His mechanic promised to look at my van. 

I'll continue to look for a job to minimize or eliminate the possibility of alimony.  

When he realized that I was trying to help him, I got my beat up van back.  I'll let him use it on days I do not have a job interview or class. 

I get the sense that the dispute wasn't about the van.  

I'm not sure what it was about.

Money?

Control? 

I don't know. 

I should probably study Non Violent Communication more. 

My technique for extracting the information was not very nice.   It was nearly threatening but the threat was real....

If I don't get a job, he will get financially screwed.  

If  his stalking sister kills me, he will go to jail. 

I think he's over it now.  

The stalking...I don't know what that is about.

I heard so much garbage about it over the weekend. 

My ex claims his sister is stalking me because she thinks I'm controlling him and that if I divorce him, she'll leave me alone.
 

Where would she get that idea?  Hmmmm...
 

He also claims she's stalking me out of jealousy.  I don't understand that one. 

He also says that when he complains his mother and sister will recruit people to take care of the problem. 

I'm thinking that third explanation hits the nail on the head.  He whined about me and they were trying to put me in my place.  In the therapy world, we call that one triangulation.   

People with NPD do that.  I get it. 

I'll never really know why they do what they do.   

I will NEVER have to deal with those people ever again. 

The lawyers assure me that his mother WILL NEVER win grandparent's visition because she refused family therapy and left nasty messages about me on the family answering machine.   If a grandparent never had a relationship with the child, they always lose. 

I wish my ex and his mom would have taken my friend's offer of free mediation but....I can't force people to behave. 

It's NOT my problem anymore. 

Besides, the stalking and threats pretty much convinced me to keep the kids away from that entire family until they are old enough to decide if they want to deal with it. 

So....perhaps this saga is over. 

If it's over and done, I'm happy. 

I don't know.  

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I feel FREE!  

The stalking and harassment were the most painful part of this entire relationship for me.  

It'll be over...soon.  

I don't have to participate in any arguing.  

I don't have to put up with the stalking.

I won't hesitate to call the police. 

If Shannon or Doug attack me physically,  I will shoot to kill. 

I was told that the stalking would end the moment we were divorced.

The only way my ex could promise me that is IF he were involved somehow. 

I'll never know. 

If they don't do it again, it won't matter anymore. 

The end of the stalking opens up an entirely huge realm of possibility for me.  

I can rebuild my website without fear of nasty messages or further hacking.  

I can prepare to rent an office after the divorce is final.

I can publicize my address and phone numbers again! 

I can start making real YouTube videos with my face.  

I can answer my telephone!!!  

I have realized how many things I have given up in the past twenty years due to the stalking and harassment.

I gave up my doctorate.

I gave up a home I loved on another side of town.

I gave up my business.

I gave up jobs. 

I gave up relationships.

I gave up countless volunteer opportunities. 

It's over.

I AM FREE!

It may just be completely over.

I don't know who talked sense into my ex but whoever did, I owe that person a debt of thanks. 

I feel lighter than air.  

Life is Good!  

Love ya, 

S.  

  

Maybe Miracles

Today I awoke to find my vehicle in the garage. 

I ran errands and set up seven appointments with potential employers. I'm going to leave for the courthouse in fifteen minutes.

Life seems to be good.

I checked my email.

I finally got around to checking a rarely used email account.  There was a message from my ex.

He is trying to paint himself out as a hero for riding the bus.  It took several hours.  He had to walk.  He raided all the funds from the change bucket yet he complained that he didn't have enough bus fare.

What do you want to bet that he's going to want to use my van until I

1.) sign a statement allowing him to raid the retirement accounts so he can "repair" his car
2.) cancel all those job interviews why he waits for the repairs because he'll need my van.

I don't understand why he can't catch a ride with someone in our neighborhood.  He works with the guy the owns the convenience store down the street!!!  Another co-worker lives three blocks away.  His wife works at the local grocery store!!   I used to babysit her daughter after school!

My ex has a flexible schedule. Why can't he utilize that until he can solve the problem?

He likes the problems.

Ugh....the bus thing is another attempt at getting narcissistic supply, isn't it?

This is why one of us has got to move out of the house.

I need to go minimal contact.

He's probably whining about me making him take bus.

He's always lying about me.

He told his mother that our middle child was aborted.  We celebrate her twelfth birthday on Saturday.   I don't know where I'm going to get the money for her present.

His mother still harasses me over that lie.  One would think the birth announcement would have cleared that up.  It didn't.  I still get nasty phone messages and anti-abortion literature left on my doorstep in the wee hours of the night.

There are many other lies, too.

Last year, he told me that I had broken his nose a few years before.

He doesn't know when I did that
or why he didn't seek medical attention
or call the police
or do any number of things normal people do when assaulted.

It's a game.

I'm going to pay for this.  I think he's playing the martyr game.  I hate the martyr game.

I did give him my van but asked to have the broken car so I could have a vehicle when our divorce was final.  The car in good shape.  The van is on its last legs.  I can get it fixed after the divorce is final and I can work again without harassment.

He doesn't want to trade cars.  He wants to have the nicer car.

I think he wants to cause trouble.

I think he wants to do the opposite of what I feel compelled to do.

It's weird.

When Steve left, my ex started cooperating with me.  When I told him that I wasn't interested in anyone else, he filled out the divorce petition and promised to take down to the courthouse.  He even paid for my divorce lawyer.

Steve came back, my ex sat on the paperwork and tried to kiss me.

Now that I have job prospects, he wants my car.

When I give up the job training program, I'll get it back.

He likes the drama.

It's annoying.

I can't wait to get out of here.

Love,

S.

Edit: 7:20 p.m. 

I went to the courthouse and decided against the restraining order. If I do it as part of the divorce, it will impede the relationship my ex has with the kids. 

If I file it separately, it will be an entirely different process.  I'm thinking that Shannon and Doug will leave me alone once the divorce is final.  If they don't, they will go to jail because it will no longer be a family issue. 

At this moment in time, my ex is on his sixth hour of riding the bus.  It's a 3.5 hour trip each way. 

Now, he's open to transportation options.  He found a co-worker to take him to and from work.  He's open to looking at my job search schedule and working around it. 

So, I guess his martyr move may have paid off for both of us. 

I'm looking into ways to fund his "repairs" or whatever it is that makes him want to take my van.  The promise is that if I do that for him, he will have my beat up old van checked out for problems.  I just need it to last one year.  I can save up for another car in a year. 

We'll see if he keeps his end of the bargain.  If he doesn't, I'll just petition the court for his car.  I don't want it. 

I don't even want the house but the kids need to stay here.  He doesn't want to be the custodial parent, so...I guess I have to figure out how to repair everything. 

I'm going to have to slow down and take everything one step at a time.

I have until July 24th to figure out who gets what. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I am so thankful that other people are helping me chunk this down into manageable pieces.

Love ya,

S. 

Psych Journals

Today I am thankful for psychiatric journals.

I'm a former academic.  I find solace and comfort with them.

For 21 years, I've been living with a guy who claims to have had seizures his entire life.

I've never seen them.

When he blamed them for his violent outbursts, I asked him to see his childhood neurologist.  He was told he had no seizure disorder and was told he had Intermittent Explosive Anger Disorder and put on Neurontin.

He became scarier.

He had an MRI done, he does not have a seizure disorder.

He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder last fall.

I was always told he had a Traumatic Brian Injury that caused the seizures and his violent outbursts.

He has no head injury.

He has no seizures.

Well...in my attempt to understand what I have been trying to run away from, I did some research on personality disorders.

It is not uncommon for a narcissist to have conversion disorder resulting in pseudo (non-epileptic) seizures.

On the bright side, his new lady love won't have to worry about him swallowing his tongue.

This is the darndest thing I've ever dealt with.

It's like he's Borderline "I want you...go away!!" 

or just crazy.

I wonder if it would be inappropriate to buy him a blow up doll that looked like me? 

That way, at least, he'd get a little bit of action.

*****

He thought I'd stay here and clean up after him without having an intimate relationship forever.

I'm floored by that.

I truly am.

On what planet?

Sigh....

I want to move on.

*****

I'm in love with a man who can barely stand me.

Whatever made him run off from me for two weeks will probably be why we never hook up.

I'll do what I can to be a friend to him no matter what.

There are so many colorful fish in the sea who can see the truth about me but find themselves confused when I turn them down.

I met a beautiful older Latino man last week.  I was all sweaty from a three hour bus ride/walk in  99 degree weather.  I was embarrassed.  My make-up melted off.  I looked like he!! warmed over.  He looked at me like I was a Goddess.

His name is beautiful.  I can't even say it the way he can.  My tongue butchers his name.

He is Aurelio.

He is an architect who lost his job.

I love networking.  Usually I know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone who can give anyone a job.

I only know two architects.  I wanted to put him in touch but he works with a different kind of structure and declined the offer.

I'm looking for a job.

He asked what I did.

I told him I was a hypnotist - but- I can't go back into my old business right now for personal reasons.  I'm trying to narrow my job focus.

He gave me a fist bump, smiled, and said

 "All right!!!  You've got options!"

He's Latin, he's handsome, he's positive, with beautiful brown eyes, curly brown hair with a tiny amount of gray, a neat trimmed beard, and perfect teeth.

Oh, he's dangerous.

I tried to squirm away.  He sat next to me in a adult job hunting class.  When it was over, he tried to stare in my eyes.

Oh....no...not again.

Oh, these brown eyes were certainly beautiful, certainly warm, and I felt him trying to connect with me....

I can't....

I smiled and turned away.  I could feel the confusion emanate from him.

My face is an open book but if I accept that connection, I can't act on it right now.

Why? 

I can't hurt anyone.

I can't.

*****

I wanted six months to air out from the narcissistic drama before getting involved with anyone.

My ex says he'll leave.  He won't.  He says I can leave and gets threatening when I do.

I know someone who is a narcissist expert.  I don't like talking to her because she knows me but she's pegged it.  My ex is Hoovering me.  He is using fear, guilt, or obligation to keep me stuck here with him.

He'll say things like:

"I need your car.  If I can't have your car, I'll lose my job." 

It doesn't matter, if I lose my job.  

We're still legally married, so you can't see other men even though I've promised to divorce you years and you've forgotten what a penis looks like.  Okay, he doesn't say that.  He says. "Go ahead leave.  It's been two years since we had sex."  To which I reply,

No. It may have been two years since you grabbed me, ruined my dress, and made a mess on my leg.

He's attempted it a couple of times but I can't stop crying enough to get to it.  He's hurt me too much I can't be with him.  He gets offended.    He started sleeping apart from me in 2000.  It's been bad for a long time.

"You can't leave until I find a decent job."  He was unemployed for two years.  He was severely underemployed for three.

"You can't leave or the kids will be neglected."

You have to stay because I'm in a lawsuit.

You have to stay because I'm going to file bankruptcy (but he sits on it for 18 months).

Now, it is I have to stay because he wants me to nurse him through a gastric band surgery.

Enough is enough!!

No more games!

I may not get out of here until a judge makes it so.

The key to getting rid of someone like this is going No or Minimal contact.  I fear that.  I fear it will lead to more stalking.  

Now, they say that if you can cut contact with a narcissist for 30 days, they will go away and find a new source of attention.  They are attention whores.  They like drama.  They like chaos.

The longest he's been gone is a week.  After about seven days, he'll come home from his tantrum begging for his basement apartment back.

After seven days, I feel amazing!  If he leaves for 30, I'll be shining!  If he's gone for six months, I can't imagine how good I'd feel!  Life would truly rock.

Do you know why?

Every interaction with my ex creates a situation where I feel like a film of thick negativity coats my presence.  It takes days for it to fade away.  I fear getting that negativity on to other people, so I keep to myself until I can be myself again.

I find myself avoiding eye with men contact now out of fear of connecting with them.

Maybe six months is a little too long.  It has to be four to six weeks.

It would have to be incredibly slow.

I've spent a lot of time in my thoughts, I am realizing why I picked this guy.  He looks like my grandmother.  He acts like my grandmother.  He won't cry real tears, so I don't have to worry about hurting him like I hurt my old boyfriend.  I like to serve.  He likes to take.

I think my mother may have been a narcissist but I don't know.  She had to be the only beautiful person in the family.  I was called ugly, even though, I look exactly like her!

I do know that my younger sister has Borderline Personality Disorder.  We were raised apart.  She watched my mother's murder.  Our step-father died while playing Russian Roulette with her.  She was eleven when mom died.  She was thirteen when dad died.  In foster care, she was a sexual assault victim.  I am kind to members of the Republican party because when I was younger, they were the people who pulled strings to get her out of foster care.

I tried to help my sister and it cost me a lot of money.  Her games caused me a lot of problems.  The games my ex plays were not near as bad as hers.

Maybe I thought I could handle it.

I can't.

I hate drama.

I want a guy who will let me have a day of peace and quiet!

I think that's why I fell in love with an introvert.

He understands my need to be alone just to think!

*****

During one of those separations when my ex actually left and I thought it was truly over,

I let myself feel inappropriate things for a friend.

That turned into a disaster.

This isn't working out.

I am realizing that it is weird having someone actually ask what I want. It is foreign to me.

It is normal.  I need to get over my discomfort.

It is weird having someone give a damn about what I feel.

I can't tell him.  He wants to know but if I tell him and we break his ethical code, he'll never trust me.

So I pray.

I believe this friendship is metaphysical in origin.

He leaves.  I say prayers of gratitude and hope he finds the woman to teach him to be himself.  He comes back.

I pray he gets what he needs.  He tells me he loves me.

I pray to get to a point of freedom and I realize that this is the lesson I am getting from my friend.  Freedom is more than politics.  It is personal.  This man is my teacher.  I ought to accept the lesson.

Maybe the Gods are answering my prayers.  Maybe it is going to take the crazy stuff to scare me away from here.

Before I met him, I swore I would never let myself feel love for another man again.  I'll let myself feel friendship but I never wanted to hurt or be hurt again.

It just happened.  I can't stop it.

I don't know if I can remember how to do things.

Do we forget how to...love?  Just because I feel it, doesn't mean I act in a loving way.

Have I learned bad habits in this relationship?

I'm afraid of unintentionally hurting someone.    

Life is supposed to be fun.  Love is supposed to be fun.  Other things are supposed to be fun.

How much fun can I be if I'm worried all the time about stupid crap?

This has got to stop.

*****  

My ex promised to sign and file the divorce paperwork for the past three weeks.  He refused.  It was only when he wanted exclusive access to my car (so I couldn't look for work) that he agreed to sign.

I still don't trust it.  Every time this happens, there is some event that screws it up.

I'm realizing that what is not signed by a judge isn't reality.  This was the first time my ex actually noterized a signed document stating he was separating from me and listing his demands. Usually, he just leaves a note.

Every time it seems real, every time I think that coat of negativity is gone and then it comes back in full force.

This is the hoovering.  I get an opportunity for free job training, he takes my car.  I need to put together a resume, he spends the weekend bellowing at me.  The cops think the stalking is a form of hoovering, too.  They say he does that to give him something to talk to me about.

At least I have the injunction against the bad behavior with the petition for divorce he signed.  I am thinking about riding the bus to the court house tomorrow so that I can turn in the paperwork to make it a permanent restraining order.  I don't feel right about getting it, though.

Now, I'm seeing the control starting to leak out....

Yes, now my ex expects to live here with me until the divorce is final.  

I'm not sure I can do that, especially if he likes to yell at me.

My ex recently told me that after our divorce is final he fully expects me to come back to him.  

I found myself confused.

Why would I do that?  

*****

There are so many beautiful, colorful, fun fish in the sea.

But then, my ex is a narcissist.  In his eyes, no one is better than he is.

*****

Aurelio has run into me twice since that day.   Both times he said the same thing...

"You again?" and flashes that gorgeous smile before running up to me.

I avoid his gaze.

*****

Steve....oh, I'm having a little cognitive dissonance with that man.  He's lighting the most inappropriate fire under my ass but I think it'll probably save my life.

I can't think around Steve.  He likes to debate. I'm lucky if I can remember how to tie my shoes right now.

When I'm confused and in pain, I need peace and quiet.

I just want someone to take me to a park
and hike with me
or sit with me
or hug me.

I don't feel like arguing.  Since I hired the new lawyer, that's all I get here now.  Arguing.  My ex knows it's over and he's fighting me.  He's lying.  One moment he'll say he's the stalker.  The next he'll say he isn't.  I down know what is going on.  One moment he says he wants my car.  The next he doesn't but he'll take it anyway.  He tries to set up reasons to take me out in public with him by promising the kids a day as a family.  I don't like it when he does that.

I'm confused.  I want to stop the nonsensical noise.

***** 

I pushed away Ben.  I'm ruining my friendship with Steve.  I can't even develop one with Aurelio.  I need out of here so I at least can figure out what it is I want to do.

There are more good men than there are crazy ones.  After a weekend stuck in a house with my ex, it's hard to remember that.

Love ya,

S.

Lies

Today I am thankful that I know how to expose lies. 

He claims that he ruined the engine of his sporty car.  

He is taking my mini-van with 188,000 miles as his own.  I never know when it will be returned. This is costing me numerous job and training opportunities.  

He can't have both cars, so I asked him if I could have his non-running car in exchange for my old van.  I'll get the car fixed on my own after he moves out and I can find a job without him interfering with my ability to get to and from work.   

He refused.  

I think he's lying about destroying his engine.  

I want to move out.  

He won't take care of the kids or the house.  

I asked him to move out.  

Then he starts crying that he wants to fix our marriage.  

NO!  It's not going to happen.  You don't ignore a woman for seven years and then say, oh...I want you now.  

NO!!  

He was screaming that we need more money.  He's telling me that he doesn't want me to work.  He's saying that he won't get a second job.  

He's got to go!

How do I work when he sends his sister, cousin or friends in to harass me?  How do I work when he has both of the cars?



I thought we were supposed to be separated.  For seven years, that's what the man said....we are getting a divorce.  Actually, he started saying that in 2000 after his mother started lying about me.  He didn't start acting like he meant it until 2006.

In April of 2006, he called me Mrs. [old boyfriend's name ...which is creepier now knowing he asked his cousin to stalk this guy].  Nothing says," lady....go away and get married so I don't have to pay you alimony" more than calling me by an old flame's last name.

Now, he's claiming that he's doing stuff to force me to stay here so he can have a second chance at a relationship with me.

He wants a second chance?

Then why rage at me?

There is no hope.

Stick a fork in me.

I'm done!  

He did give me the gift of explaining more of the stalking to me.  I need to get a restraining order against HIM! 

How in the heck do you talk to a narcissist?    Therapy talk doesn't work in family situations.  

It doesn't.  

They'll go back on any promises.  

The lies are insane.  

He said that he left the lights on his car overnight and it wouldn't start, so he did the right thing by me and left my van alone.  He stayed home from work and risked his job so I could have my car.  

I owe him a big thank you, he said.  That act proves that he's kind-hearted, he said.  I am just a thoughtless bitch because I don't appreciate what he does for me.  

So, I asked him why he didn't use the jumper cables?  

He changed the subject.  

He's not going to be able to live with me anymore.  

Nope....

If he doesn't want to pay alimony, he's got to quit interfering in my ability to hold a job.  

I wish he could see beyond today.  

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit 9:39 p.m. - Oh, Lordy, now, he's claiming that he's been charming all day.  I did him a disservice by NOT planning a rocking Father's Day party for him.

I actually tried.

I ordered his favorite book from a store that later was in a fire zone for a few days.  That book may never come.

I couldn't use my car to pick up the customized gift I had done for him.

The kids would not cooperate with the cards and other gifts.

By the time he was done raging at me, I was too tired to care anymore.        

I asked him to help me come up with a parenting plan, so I can figure out when to be here.

I told him that if he can tell me when he wants use of the house, I'll be sure to be out of here.

He walked off.

This is a game.

Who in their right mind plays games with women?

90 days to go.

I am thankful he signed the papers.

He wants to raid the 401K again.  If I don't let him, I'll never get my van back.

Damn, that hearing can't come fast enough.

I've done this for years.

I can do this a little longer.

Maybe....

I hope.

One of the PIs gave me an idea for starting a business off the grid.  I'll report the income but I have to be able to hide from my ex and his stalking sister if I expect to earn money without harassment.

I'm going to investigate it.  If it works, that PI is getting one heck of a fruit basket and testimonial.