Today I know what I'm NOT thankful for, it is narcissist poop.
It makes me vomit.
It made me realize that I am sharing the stench everywhere I go.
So, today we were supposed to officially file the divorce paperwork.
My ex has been ill. He is literally shitting his pants. He shit all over his bed. He shit all over the blankets, his comforter, and his sheets.
The smell has permeated the entire house.
The smell is in my hair.
I swear I taste it.
It is on my skin.
It has a chemical-ish smell to it. I asked him if he were taking medication that could cause this and he said no.
I've taken a lot of vinegar baths today.
I did his laundry.
It took all day.
I realized a few things.
First, when you do not sleep with a former intimate for a number of years, the smell of their bodily fluids can be quite the turn off.
I usually handle his under things with tongs and gloves.
I hate the way he smells. It reminds me of being stalked. That smell provokes a host of unpleasant memories.
In a very real sense, the memory of being stalked makes me ill and I want to throw up. His smell makes me sick in a very literal way.
I will admit to vomiting when washing his blankets today.
I can't be here with him, even as a room mate.
I really shouldn't be doing his laundry.
I've spent the day trying not to throw up again.
It's made me anti-social.
I've had a lot of time to think.
I was thinking about Steve and how in my attempts not to lead him on, I am doing just that.
I am angry. When Steve left, my ex gave me money for the lawyer. He filled out the paperwork and promised to file it. He offered to repair my car so I could look for a job. He was helpful. Then when Steve came back, my ex acted shocked that I believed we were divorcing.
I'm confused. The lawyer has been paid. The paperwork is done. It's go time when I can go out in public without throwing up over the smell of my hair.
I was thinking about another love interest I had since high school who gave up on me when I ran for office. We'll call him Ben. I had a crush on him before I met Tom. He tried to rescue me a few years ago because, as he put it, he has sisters and knows what a woman in pain looks like. I couldn't let him rescue me. He found a replacement who has my eyes and my hair; well, her hair is shinier and prettier. Her eyes are a stunning blue. She's also the weight I was before I went on my diet. Ben did not want me trying to lose weight. I needed to do that as I could barely walk. His sweetie is a lot dirtier and more fun than I could ever be. We've become friends. It's all good. That's cool!
I was also thinking about my high school sweetheart, Tom. He tried to make me think about what I needed. He tried to make me feel pretty. I still love him enough to leave him alone. I don't know what was wrong with me. To this day, I want to know how I ruined that relationship. I know I was depressed when I lost my grandmother, aunt, and father but it seems like I wasn't connecting with him like I should have. He chalks it up to being young. I think I'm screwed up on some level. It's hard to hurt someone you love even if it is inadvertent. This is why I fear falling in love with a friend. It is this relationship that is getting in the way of my moving on.
I never wanted to see Ben or Steve look at me the way Tom did. He broke up with me but I never saw the note he gave me, so I didn't know why he left. My ex found it digging through my things and I learned right before our 20th high school reunion that Tom left me so I could go to college.
At the time, I couldn't look at Tom because I was in a lot of pain. I lost my best friend when we broke up and I was inconsolable.
In the weeks that followed, I could feel Tom when he was near. I would usually turn around and see his face. He usually was holding back tears. That face....that horrible, sad, painful face....it killed me to see it.
I swore that I would never do that to anyone else ever again.
The two men who followed were heavily personality disordered. One had Anti-social personality disorder. He had dated me for five years while hiding his criminal background. The other was recently diagnosed with Narcissistic Personalty Disorder. Neither one has empathy. Neither one has the ability to shed real tears.
True to my promise, I've never made another human being cry like that.
I think it is time to change that programming because I am hurting people that I care for.
Everything turned out great for Ben.
I have deeper feelings for Steve.
I realized....today....that I was spreading my ex's narcissistic poop to Steve.
I'm realizing that this is a game to my ex.
He only wants me when I want to be with someone else. He gets off on the pain of others and he likes to hurt people. Playing this game gives him narcissistic supply. He has told me that he is cruel to me because he likes seeing me hurt.
But that is not what is really bugging me. It is my behavior that is the problem; it just took my ex explaining himself to me to help me understand.
My ex told me that he only wanted me because of the way I made him feel. This is typically of narcissists, so long as you do what they want, they want you. Today I cleaned up his shit and gave him negative supply. I have a job interview and want to stop the stalking. He refuses to be honest about it.
Yeah, one of us needs to leave the house.
So...I like the way Steve makes me feel but I don't feel right about it. It makes me uneasy. You get to a certain point in that kind of connection where you have to decide to either move forward or let it go. This man deserves love now...he deserves it fully now. He should not have to wait and settle for mere friendship. He's being cheated of an experience with either me or someone else. He shouldn't have to wait.
I visit with him hoping to either clean up my life or reinforce his confidence to seek out other women. He's too kind hearted to be alone.
This is backfiring. I can read between the lines of Steve's writings to me. I could have an amazing life of freedom, complete with rocket rides on my lunch hour; yeah...he writes about going to the moon for lunch...oh, that's so incredibly hot! He writes that I could live in prosperity because I can work without interference. Yet I choose to be a slave because, as he puts it, some people like being dominated.
I don't like being anyone's slave. I just don't want to get killed. Yeah, I was operating under the delusion that my ex was telling me the truth about letting me go. I realized today that he is going to throw every game at me to keep me here with him. His attitude today was akin to 'what divorce?'
This is a problem.
I'm beginning to realize that there is little difference in spending time with Steve while knowing that we can't be together and acting like a narcissist. I am well aware of how he felt. He is well aware of how I feel. We can't act on it because I'm too stupid to tell an idiot to stop playing games with me.
The pain of feeling something while not being able to honestly discuss it is unfair. It shakes the core of my being. I'm the one who can decide to run off to a shelter and leave. Steve, if he is still feeling this, has no control over it. This is probably part of the reason he cut me off.
Yeah, we do live in two different realities.
I'm trying to protect his heart and I think I'm breaking it.
How do people do this?
I have never tried to enter into a relationship with a new man while cohabiting with another male. In fact, I was usually six to eight months outside of a male room mate before even attempting to date again.
This was true even when I had gay room mates.
In this economy, I can't fathom how to do this.
I'm sure relatives would lend me enough money for rent for a couple of months but I don't want the kids to lose out on their schooling and scholarships. I don't trust my ex to take care of them. He won't leave.
I need to plan this out a little better. My original plan as to move near Ben and walk across the street to my office everyday. I lost my office because of the stalking. My ex originally wanted to take the children. He has since changed his mind.
I'm being told not to reopen my business until the divorce is final. I am so bored without my job! I love my job. I found the perfect office with a location that would allow me to take someone special to the moon for lunch.
Darn it!!!
What do I do?
I guess what I need to do is be more open with the man I am interested in and far more assertive with my ex.
It may be too late for Steve. Those feeling snuck up on me. I was ill prepared for them. The feelings I had for Ben and Tom were old...I had those since I was fifteen and sixteen years old. I thought I was too old to feel like this.
I guess not.
I guess the thing to do is to talk about it...in private...away from stalkers and prying ears.
In the beginning there should be lightness and joy. There should be freedom. Heady conversations kind of take the lightness out of it. Love is supposed to be light and free, especially in the beginning. That way if it doesn't work out, no one is too invested in it.
This serious crap ruins that!
Doesn't it?
Darn.....I guess that is my choice. I can decide to be completely and utterly honest in the face of repeating the crap a liar has told me so that I don't wound a kind heart any further
-or-
I can try to avoid him and hope things work out for the best.
I'll have to pray about it. The last time I prayed, he showed up....sigh.
I was a musician. I am prone to playing everything by ear. I'll let Steve guide me. If he ignores me, I'll avoid him. If he asks (in a private place that hasn't been hacked), I'll tell him.
Anything less than that will make me no better than a narcissist.
I am embarrassed to say that since Steve left, I have averaged less than 3 hours a night of sleep. It is killing my diet. I drink junk to try to stay awake during the day. All I do is cry at night.
It was worse last night. For years, I've cried myself to sleep because it is hard to sleep alone. I really wish I had someone I could be with, to hold, to kiss, to wake up in a pleasant manner.
Look, if the creator didn't want us to have fun in the morning....he wouldn't have made certain things appear happy in the morning. I think that was meant to be a woman's incentive for waking up.
Where is my ice water?
Oh....here it is...
Whew!
Now, sleeping alone is tough because I don't have to be alone. I just have to clean my shit first. I don't have to do this forever.
I'll pray some more.
Maybe I'm broken.
Maybe Steve will find someone better.
That's what I think happened to Ben. I think the other woman is his soul mate. I was close, so he was intrigued by me - but it never felt right. When she came along, he knew she was the one.
So did I. Actually, so did everyone in our circle of friends. This woman is fun. They had a lot of tension going on for a couple of years. They finally hooked up. I'm happy for them!
Maybe there is someone better for my friend?
I'll pray again.
Love ya,
s.
Edit: This is weird...
I'm in my make-shift recording studio. I have a couple of leather t.v. trays, a heavily padded desk on which my computer sits, and a leather bench that stores the foam that cover everything in here. I have to sit on a leather bench because chairs and benches squeak when I move and the microphone catches it.
The smell of the narcissist's poop is in here. It is on the leather bench.
He was here.
He was in my room.
He was on my computer.
He must have been here when I was taking a bath. I'm not sure he had enough time to be here when I left the house to take the kids to school. I only left the house for five minutes twice today, so I could take the girls to school.
I wonder how I can check my computer for spyware?
Damn....
Let me explain,