A Warning To Shannon D.

Shannon, stop hacking into my Facebook account!

I know it's you. 

You're in Westminster!  I get emails every time someone tries to get through.  I get to see the IP addresses. 

It's YOU! 

Stop it NOW!

If you lock up my account one more time, I will take EVERYTHING from your brother and leave him destitute.  He took everything from me.  I'll just get what I can get back. 

If he doesn't have a house, then he'll probably fight you for your mom's house when she dies.  Now, if he has a 2,000 square foot home in a nice part of town, he won't want the house they'll will to you.

Really, Colorado law trumps wills.  Despite what Rhonda pulled with Stephanie, Mike won't let that happen to him.  What Rhonda did was illegal.  I've introduced Mike to many a good lawyer. 

Do you want to take your chances?

Let me take time to find a way to allow him to keep the house. 

It'll take time and money.  I need my Facebook account to effectively market. 

I'm on the phone with the lawyer now. 

Don't make me follow through on that threat! 

If you're not doing it, tell Doug to stop!

S.
 

Indigo Henna

 

Today I am thankful for indigo henna.

It was supposed to be a medium warm brown.  I'm trying to darken my hair from the orange hue I've had since using a new brand of relaxer. 

Well...after I put the henna on my head, I noticed that it was blue. 

I rinsed it out. 

Long story short,  I have black hair now.

I've had it all week.  

I look weird. 

Maybe I don't look weird. 

Maybe I look exotic. 

I have white, almost translucent, skin. 

My black hair makes my green eyes pop!

I wonder what I'd look like if I take tanning pills?

I've got to try that. 

This has been an eye opening experience. 

I've learned a couple of things. 

First, men do not stare at brunettes. 

Men have not approached me in libraries and asked private information about my sex life.  I spent two hours at the library today doing research.  I was left completely alone!!  I actually got a lot of work done!

Men do not ask brunettes for phone numbers. 

They don't flirt. 

They don't get in your business.  They don't ask what you are doing.  They don't solicit advice.  They don't get nosey. 

They don't buy you drinks. 

They don't grab your skirt. 

It's nice to be left alone. 

I'll enjoy this for awhile.

I wore a wrap dress today.  I love those things!  I'm down 17 pounds, so I can finally fit into some of my hot clothes. 

If I lose another 15, I can fit into my steamy clothes! 

I can't wait.  I have two other wrap dresses.  One has a pink hypno-wheel pattern.  It's hot.  The other has a flower pattern. 

I used to drive my ex nuts wearing my thigh high stockings with my wrap dresses.  When you walk in those, the wind can come and blow the skirt just enough to give your beau a thrill.

Sigh....

Now, I'm off to sleep to ponder how I missed the truth of that relationship.  How blinded by love was I?   I was an idiot!  I am terrified of bringing that negative energy forward into a new relationship. 

I'm afraid that all that narc abuse is going to hit me like a ton of bricks when he finally moves out of the house.  I have PTSD from the last round of crap. 

I can fix it.  I just don't want anyone around when I start shaking and crying.  I've got to find a nice way to get rid of all the energy. 

The first time he left, I had a punching bag. 

The second time, I wore out my round wounds from slapping them all the time.

The third time, I went out with my love interest. 

This time, I hope to have my business back.  I'm working on it.  One day at a time. 

We'll see how it goes. 

Yeah, yeah...I guess I could continue to read all those wonderful books on communication strategies in relationships.  I'm so used to being ignored, I had forgotten how to share myself with other people.

As I type that, I feel an ache in my chest.   I know that is how I lost my friend.  I don't know how to share my feelings.  I know he wanted me to.  I don't know how to verbalize them. 

I guess I'm more kinesthetic when it comes to some things.  Being in crowded restaurants is not conducive to such emotional displays. 

I am avoiding him.  He may have given up on me.  He may be giving me space.  I don't know. 

Yeah, I know that it is easy to avoid men that you love.  The problem is that the love doesn't die.  I can avoid his energy but my feelings are still here. 

I'm crazy.  I can't let my friend be near crazy. 

How do people do that?  How do they flit from partner to partner without a care in the world?  Don't they worry about their baggage tripping other people up? 

I have no clue.

Facebook is pissing me off.   There is a guy hitting on me hard.  It's driving me insane.  I miss actually having a partner because then I can change my relationship status and not worry about men hitting on me.

Luckily, with my new appearance, it won't matter.  No one will be interested in me now.  I wonder how long my hair will be black before the red starts showing through? 

That'll be a funny sight. 

Love ya,

S. 

Head Games

Today I am thankful for head games. 

 

 

I know it sounds mean but one thing that keeps me ahead of narcissistic in-laws, borderline former foster siblings, and nasty politicians is my propensity for messing with the minds of evil people. 

 

 

Disordered and insecure people will hunt down information online rather than talk to you directly. 

 

 

They want to try to figure you out rather than get to know you as you are. 

 

 

I like to mess with people like that.  This is why I have a crazy blog to throw off the lawyers, the sister-in-law, the stalking ex, the crazy foster sister, and my political enemies. 

 

 

They can't peg me, so they lose.   If they dare repeat this, they'll look foolish. 

 

 

I saw this meme today, it is something that I've never used yet.  I may try this one the next time I meet a politician of ill-repute.   

 

 

 

 

I am not very nice. 

 

I guess that makes me come off as crazy.  Or I can come off as a comedian. 

 

I don't know.  I don't care. 

 

Crazy is okay.  The real crazy people leave you alone when they are not sure if you are sane or not.

 

 

 

 

 

If a man I love wants to consider me crazy, that's fine by me.  I'm not crazy enough to enter into a relationship right now. 

 

I do not subscribe to the notion of normality.  There really is no such thing.  When you hold a post-grad in psychology, you realize what "crazy" really is. 

 

I'm not psychotic. 

 

I'm pagan...

 

but not psychotic. 

 

If you are swimming with sharks, you've got to bare your teeth once in a while. 

 

I have to be "crazy" to survive. 

 

I'm nearly crazied out. 

 

I'm pretty sure that this is good-bye to my cutie.  

 

I'm tired of not being able to talk to him directly. 

 

I'm too busy for that. 

 

I don't like being judged.  I sent my first love packing for that.  He hasn't said a judgmental thing to me in over twenty-six years but I have a hard time trusting him.  This is why I won't tell him much about my life.  

 

I should get over that.

 

This is why I never truly opened up to Steve.  I had the sense that it was only a matter of time before he started to judge me like he does everyone else. 

 

Sigh...

 

Men who tend to claim the women they desire are crazy tend to be projecting their fear of not being sane onto a mirror.  A man who does that often considers himself crazy as well, at least on a subconscious level.  

 

We are what we attract.  

 

Or he could be upset that I haven't milked him. 

 

I don't know. 

 

It's probably the later. 

 

I know that if I did what I wanted to do and he took the relationship further before things were signed on the dotted line, he'd never trust that I wouldn't cheat on him.  

 

I can't do that to him. 

 

If he needs it now, I'm sure he can easily find someone better. 

 

 

Now, I get to nurse more pieces of my torn up heart.   This is the second love interest I've turned away in three years due to the stalking, freaky, abusive crap.   I couldn't hurt either guy.  It hurts me.

 

I think my poor, old heart is zombiefied by now. 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S.  



Confirmation

 

Today I am thankful for confirmation.  

I know I'm being controlled by guilt and manipulation.  I'm not supposed to file for divorce because he doesn't want to be alone.  

I get yelled at a lot.  

It's my fault he weighs over 500 pounds.  

It's my fault we haven't banged in years.  

It's my fault that I'm not working.  

It's my fault...

crap...

I lost count.  

I know there is more.  

I just forgot.

He told me he says things like that to me because he wants to hurt someone. 

Why in the world would someone act like that? 

Geez!

It's sale season.  His clothes are scary looking and ripping at the seams.  The local department store had men's jeans for $10 a pair.  They carry 54 x 30.  I took him shopping.  He bought five pairs of jeans and seven shirts. 

Good for him.  

As I'm walking with him, he's telling me that he's going to take my advice and get the bariatric surgery.  He's in his mid-forties and he knows that if he doesn't do something about his weight, he won't make it to 50.  

Hooray! 

There is a six month waiting list.  

I asked if he wanted to see my eating disorder doc.  This doc has helped him lose 40 pounds a month in the past.  That's a little extreme but he could help him get a start on the nutritional counseling and weight loss.  He said no.  My doc works wonders.  He's cheap, too.  

Nope...he wants the surgery.  

Okay...how does he intend on paying for it?  

Well.. he wants to raid our 401K.  

He's taken more that 50% of the value in the past two years but that is beside the point.  The divorce will cause the 401K to be untouchable for at least six months.  We'll have to have the divorce settled before his surgery.  

This means, I have to file immediately.  

So...I'm getting pushed. 

The sad thing is that I just learned that one of the girls needs orthodontic work.  If we don't get it within the next two years, her jaw will have to be broken and reset.  The orthodontic work costs a little more than his bariatric surgery.  It is much cheaper than traumatizing a kiddo by breaking her jaw.  

Sigh....we have different priorities.  

I need to find a job and a way to supplement my income to pay for everything.  He says that I am more ambitious than he is, so it's my job to earn the extra money.  

Okay....he needs to stop the stalking crap.  

On the bright side, he offered to repair my computer.  Someone threw it and the hard drive is toast.  My keyboard is missing keys.  I use it to blog.  I use to keep in touch with people.  

It's horribly slow.  It takes 2 hours to render an 8 minute YouTube video on Chrome.  

He bought me a 500 GB hard drive, so I can do more voice over work to earn money to raise the kids on my own.  That will help.  

  

Wish me luck.    

When I doubt the NPD diagnosis, I realize it is real.   

Wow...

Love ya, 

S.  

Love

Today I am thankful for love, even though I don't have a clue what to do with it.

I love someone.

What do I do with it?

I wish I could be completely honest, open, and tell him what is going on.   He knows something is bugging me.  I'm pretty sure he's figured out what happened because he'll send me links to songs which hint at wondering where a woman sleeps at night. 

I sleep alone as I have for over six years.  I go to a house where I cohabit with my ex.  He lives in the basement.  I live on the third floor.  When I think I can move out, he'll want to move out and leave the kids alone.  When I think I should stay for the kids, he'll want to stay.  I need a judge to help me see what to do. 

He likes to leave me when his family says stupid crap about me.  Next time, I'm changing the locks.

I screwed up.  I let my ex come back.  It's not sexual.  It was supposed to be in friendship and I got screwed over.  My ex is taking baby steps.  He recently said that he wants me to stay with him because someday he'll want a sexual relationship with me.

Someday?

Oh, I'll never do this again. 

My friend knows.  I didn't tell him.  He just knows.  I didn't think he loved me, so I didn't worry.  It took a lot of drugs and alcohol to stifle this stupid thing beating in my chest.  My heart knew better.  I had moments of worry about my friend.  I thought I was delusional.  No one could possibly love me.  I ignored my intuition.  

My friend wanted to claim me as his own but fears overextending his claim. 

He doesn't understand me. 

I do not belong to any man. 

I never will. 

I am faithful to a fault, which is why this guy could stay here despite the abuses. 

My friend knows about the abuse.  I don't think I said much about it.  When I feared my Facebook account was hacked and he was contacted, I told him.  That's it.  I know he won't hit me, stalk me, or steal from me.  He won't, as he put it, "beat loyalty" into me.

He thinks his needs are the same as my ex's need.  Nope...my ex needs clean laundry and to control another human being.  My ex doesn't need what my friend's body language betrays he needs. 

My needs?  I don't know. 

I need to be understood and accepted.  I need some solitude.  I need peace.  I need to be allowed to smile, to celebrate, and to feel joy without people trying to tear me down for being happy.

I'm so used to being alone that I don't know what I need in a relationship.   My last relationship was not what I thought it would be.  I thought it would be a partnership.  I thought I'd always have someone to hold, to flirt with, to wake up with, to act out all sorts of filthy fantasies with, and to have a future with. 

That didn't happen.  I made him the center of my universe and he betrayed me. 

I don't know what I need anymore. 

I need to take things slow.  I'm probably taking it a little too slow.
 

Things are tricky. 

I have a plan.  It is becoming clearer with each passing day. 

 I have to take it slow. 

I spent last night in tears again. 

I did my ritual to Aphrodite and fell asleep.  Women were not made to sleep alone. 

I do not have a partner.  I haven't had one for a very long time.  I don't understand the expectation to live a life of celibate servitude.  I can't wait until I can get out.  I've been looking forward to that day since 2007.  The legal stuff finally cleared up two weeks ago.  The money was released last week.  

  

It can be done now barring any unforeseen manipulative stuff. 

I'm tired of feeling lonely. 

I hate myself right now. 

Someone I find beautiful offered me everything that I wanted and I turned him away. 

Why? 

Because I do not have money. 

Why do I not have money?

Because I feared a stalker and gave up my business. 

I know why they stalk.  They do it to keep my off center.  They do it to keep me here.   It is done to keep me connected to Michael. 

I finally understand. 

I don't fear Shannon, Doug, or Michael anymore.  They are weak.  They stalk for attention.  I don't know who the ringleader is.  I don't care.  I don't fear them. 

I fear hurting my friend. 

I guess I should come out of hiding. 

I'm not sure we are compatible. 

I think I'm too weird for him, so I am trying to spend time alone and give him space. 

It feels like a broken heart. 

I'm going to have to examine that. 

I didn't want promises or expectations.  I wanted friendship but  maybe that, in and of itself, is an expectation. 

I guess this pain may be good for me on some level. 

I don't know. 

I guess there is a lesson in all of this.  It is to listen to the heart.  It knows things that the mind can't fathom.  My heart felt the connection before my mind could justify it. 

The heart wants what it wants for a reason.  There is someone who expands the way I see the world.  It makes this life experience so much richer and more beautiful. 

I figured this out too late. 

Take hold of what you desire.  If you take too much time, you'll lose the opportunity. 

Love ya,

S. 



Still Breathing

 

Today I am thankful that I'm still breathing. 

This was today's horoscope:

Your Sun Sign: ****
A long-standing legal battle, which may have been the source of a lot of worry and anxiety for you, will finally be concluded in your favour. You can finally get back to your normal routine now that this matter will cease to remain a distraction for you. It is time to move on in life, especially mentally and emotionally.

That would be nice. 

But....

I still haven't received the paperwork from the lawyer's office.  If I have to continually remind them to send it to me, I'm not going to do business with them.  I'd would suck if they forgot to file the divorce paperwork, or my separation agreement, or some major document necessary to get this over with. 

If you are a lawyer, do not make a bad impression by allowing your paralegals to ignore paperwork requests.  I'm trying to pay him...in advance!

I did a Google search for this lawyer's reviews.  It seems that missing paperwork is a common issue.

That's sad.  He really seemed to know what he was doing.   Maybe I'll try a third time.  This guy seems to be smart enough to get the job done with minimal effort.  He is also fairly diplomatic.  I'd rather go with someone who doesn't want to go into war mode. 

I've got a call into my Facebook friend's legal office.  He's a fellow activist.  I didn't want to hire a familiar face to handle my divorce but I really do not have another choice in the matter. 

I really don't want my conservative friend knowing that I'm a pushover with a narcissist; if I ever have to go toe to toe with a candidate that he supports, they'd have a strategy to defeat me!  All they'd have to do is act like Mike!  I can see it now, they'd start jumping up and down, screaming, spitting food at me while telling me that they weren't the ones who stole my yard signs!! 

Yeah, I'll try the other lawyer again.  It has to be done now.  *

 If I wait much longer, I won't be able to get this done because the money will go missing.

I don't know what other forms of punishment Michael or his family are getting ready to dish out. 

The problem with playing the game with Michael is that he got used to this.  He takes something I want, convinces me to put up with it temporarily, and then it becomes permanent.  Then he decides to take something else.  I've lost jobs, cars, money, housing, friends, businesses, intimacy, health care, sex, affection, and with the stalking - I've lost my sense of safety. 

I don't understand Mike. 

I don't. 

He claims that he lied to me for six years when he said we were getting divorced. 

Now, how does a woman in that position restore her heart?

If someone rejects you for years over shit his mother said and refuses to talk about it because he plans to divorce you, you get to the point you don't think of him as your spouse, lover, or best friend. 

He becomes a stranger. 

Couple that with lies, punishment, theft, harassment and stalking, is there any going back? 

Once a heart is turned away, can it be turned back? 

Even yesterday, he sat in front of me lying to me.  I don't know how to deal with it. 

If he wants to be so much as a friend, he's going to have to try harder than that. 

He told me that he didn't want to get his sister arrested for stalking me, so he wouldn't call the police right away.  It makes me wonder what else he knows. 

I'm trying to understand why SHE is doing this.

Why would a sister-in-law stalk and harass his brother's wife? 

Why would she take threaten a neighbor with a pistol?

Why would she harass my college professors?

Why would she harass my co-workers?

Why would she try to break into my house?

Why would she recruit her friends to harass me on the job? 

It makes no sense! 

Nothing makes sense. 

I know it is her!  I saw her myself! 

Mike says that it is something his mother is pressuring his sister to do for her.  I don't know about that. 

How does his mother know so much about me? 

Mike has to be telling her stuff or he is in contact with someone who is giving her information.  How did they know what car I drove?  What I looked like?  When I was out in public with my friends?

I don't know if they are trying to run me off or trying to intimidate me into staying.  It is so much easier just to tell me what the heck they want!!  Stalking a isn't cheap habit.  GPS boxes are expensive.  Gas is expensive.  Bail is expensive. 

I'm not sure what is going to happen.

It's not my issue.  It's Mike's crap.  If his family is stalking me, it is his issue.  If he can't clean it up, he's got to go! 

I think I studied psychology to try to understand mental illness.  I want to understand what goes through peoples' minds when they are acting out.  I can't.  It doesn't matter how much I read.  I can't understand why he is doing the things he is doing.   I don't understand why Shannon is doing the strange things she is doing. 

It is taking up too much of my time trying to figure it out. 

I'll keep you apprised. 

Love ya,

S. 

* Edit: 7:00 p.m.  Well, the paralegal didn't respond yet again.  I'm going to call someone else. 

Spiritual Guru

 

Today I am thankful for my spiritual guru.  

My Shaman wants to know whether or not I opened up to my friend yet.  

NO...I have not.  

I can't hurt him.  

Every time I visit with him, I realize that he is just like me in many ways. 

We have similar spirituality. 

We want to teach people to be free.  

We are both incredibly introverted and have trouble in crowds.  

We are introverted -but brave.  If there is something that needs to be said, we say it! 

The main difference is that he sees the world in a rational manner; I see it in a experiential manner.   He's quantitative. I'm qualitative.  

In that way, we are like two halves of a whole.  

It just seems too perfect.   The more I learn, the more I understand why my heart chose him.  I just met him at the wrong time.  Or, maybe, I just realized I loved him at the wrong time.  

I let my ex come back into the house with the promise he'd help me divorce without a big fight.  I shouldn't have done that.  If I had forced him to stay out, this would be over by now and my heart could be free.
 

The issue is a bizarre one.  I am protective of my friends.  I'm a mess.  I can't hurt my friends with my mess. 

I lack courage.  

My friend and I both lack trust.
Trust has to be built. 
We're introverts, trust takes a while. 

Until I get this settled, I wouldn't trust me.  It's not that I'd lie.  It's that someone is lying to me.  I don't know what is going on.  Until I get control of everything, my word is useless.   

I justified staying here.  I think it cost me something wonderful.  That's okay.  I'll have to live and learn from my mistake.  I just don't see how it is going to work out with my friend and I, we are both far too introverted.  I'm a stupid mess.  

I'm trying to fix myself.  I'm having trouble finding a professional who understands.  I'm not co-dependent.  I don't trust the court system.  I want an agreement before I go before a judge.  

I've discovered that I really hate traditional therapists.  I feel insane when I talk to therapists about my six year celibacy streak.  They wonder why I put up with that and haven't cheated.   It's weirder when I tell them that we've slept apart for over thirteen years. 

I made a promise to be faithful.  I keep my promises.  Up until two weeks ago, I thought he wanted to divorce.  Now, it's he wants me back.  He doesn't.  Then he does.  Then he doesn't.  

I'm confused.  

The last shrink claimed that I had dependent personality disorder.  NO, I don't.  If I had that, I wouldn't have volunteered for the DA, started a business, published articles, ran for office, started an activist group, and all those other things I did without HIM!  

The bigger the diagnosis, the more money they get.  That shrink was weird.   I only saw her once.  She was in mid-twenties.   She didn't want to be my therapist because I didn't have a credit card she could have on file.  She disclosed that her mother had been murdered by her father.  She told me that anyone stalked for twenty-one years needed medication.  She wanted to know why married women had lunch with men.  Well, sweetie, if you're a political activist and you want to get something done - sooner or later, you're going to have lunch with a male politician. 

She was incredibly weird until she asked about my education.  When I divulged that I had the same degree she had, she became much nicer.  I didn't report her to the State Licensing Board.  I should have.  She's not a doctor, she can't prescribe psychiatric meds. 

My family doc warned me about seeing young therapists on my insurance plan.  He told me that all the good ones do not take insurance. 

I do not accept insurance either. 

My doc says its PTSD.  I buy that.  A little EMDR, and I'll be good as new.

I do need to get out of the line of fire first.  The moment I file, the stalking will get worse.  Every time I take a step forward, one of his relatives is in my face pushing me back.  

I fear that the most.  I'm realizing that I need to get my vehicle working better before I file.  I don't want to stall in the middle of nowhere with crazy in-laws stalking me.  My car stalled tonight on my way home from a political event.  It scared me.

I think it is stalling because I'm using the cheap petrol.  I may be able to fix it on my own. 

With my ex, I lack trust.  I fear him.  I fear his family.  I fear depending on him for anything.  The loneliness burns my heart in ways I can't understand.  

I called the lawyer and asked him to fax the divorce paperwork this morning.  The fax never came.   Is that an omen?  Maybe I just need to be a little more patient.  

I don't understand why I feel guilty for wanting to protect myself.  I didn't break any vows.  He did.  

I so desperately want to believe that the NPD is a misdiagnosis.  It's not.  I mean, he is textbook.  He is the only person that counts.  He walks away if I talk about my feelings, needs, wants, desires, goals or plans.  If I go ahead and do things, he'll sabotage me in crazy ways.  He owns me.  

The sexless marriage stuff, that's not uncommon.  I was floored when I saw that in the case histories.  Stalking is common, too.  

He tells me that he doesn't feel anything except shame and guilt.  He's even told me that if things don't go the way he wants them to go, he'll fly into a rage.  I spent my 40th birthday hiding in my mini-van.  It was cold.  I was freezing but I did not want to go home.  He was angry because the day hadn't gone the way he planned it in his head.  I realized on that day, I truly needed to leave.  

I still do his laundry.  I still cook his meals; I do not eat the meals though.  It's hard to share food with him.  He doesn't feel like family.  I feel more like a servant.  It's hard to explain.  

I'm feeling my eating disorder coming back.  I was anorexic as a teenager and I think the burning in my stomach feels better than the pain in my heart.  My Cherokee step-father once said that when the soul needs cleansed, people should fast.  As a kid, our family members would fast the first Sunday of every month as spiritual cleansing ritual.  I think that is the origin of my eating disorder.  

My first flare up happened when my mom, my grandmother, my aunt, my step-father, and my natural father died within a span off three years.  It happened again when I was raped and beaten with a hammer.  This is my third bout.  

This time, I need to lose 28 pounds, so it's not so bad.  I do the protein powder thing my old flame taught me; it keeps the chest pains at bay.  I learned that if I mix one TBLS of sugar-free pudding in a spoonful of protein powder, it doesn't make me gag.  I'm probably much healthier doing this.  

I'm feeling incredibly depressed.  

I tell myself that I am too ugly, too old, too anxious, and too broken for love.  The men flirting with me online drive me insane.  I hate it when they comment on my appearance, if they knew what I really looked like and what I really acted like, they'd run off.

Besides, I'm not interested in them.  I want someone who can help me make a difference in the world.  I want someone honest and real.  If I just get myself to a point where I was good enough and not so messed up, I could accept love in my life.  Right now, I am terrified of acting like my ex.  He hurt me.  I don't want to hurt anyone I love.

I can't bear to log in to Facebook anymore.   I'm spending my time hanging out business people and political activists.

I really miss my job.  I miss my friend.

Tomorrow I have a couple of seminars, hopefully I'll find a way of making money.

I wish you all love.  Don't run away from it, like I do.  My problem is that I always fall in love with friends.  I can't hurt my friends.  This is why I'm alone.

I realized the reason I stayed here so long.  I did it so I wouldn't date and risk getting hurt again.  Meeting my friend was an accident.  It was a happy one.  I honestly thought he was someone else.  I didn't run off.  For me to spend time with someone, he'd have to be pretty darn special.

I'm hoping other women see the same things I do in my friend.  There is no point in both of us being alone.  I think him finding someone else would free me of my guilt about screwing up and ignoring my heart.  I'm not sure if I'm being selfish when I think that.  I truly am confused.

I'm off to cry in my bed again.  I have no clue what is going to happen.

Love ya,

S.

Eureka

 

Today I am thankful that I know what is wrong with me!

I am an empath. 

I tend to take on the behaviors of people around me. 

When I'm around politicians, I give speeches. 

When I'm around party people, I party. 

When I'm around life coaches, I'm impossibly peppy. 

When I'm around my friend, I read too much philosophy. 

When I'm around dysfunctional, violent, narcissists for long periods of time.....I can get to the point of acting like them, too! 

That was a profound realization. 

I don't think I get violent and weird.  The negativity makes me self-absorbed.  When they bully me, I tend to take them on a little too much (like running for an abusive moron's political seat). 

So...maybe if I can manage to get away from this guy completely, I can find myself again. 

I don't like myself when I'm self-absorbed.  

I thought I could share the house with him.  I can't.  I can't tolerate his energy.  I cannot tolerate his family.  I can't handle the yelling.  I can't stand the stalking.  It is killing my creativity and my energy. 

I'm thinking about bucking his control and leaving for the weekend so I can get my bearings.  I don't know where I would go, though.  I'll give it some thought. 

I've come so close to getting out of this mess.  All I need now is a traditional job.  Everything else has fallen into place.  I have a lawyer and an agreement.  I have the retainer.  All I need now is a job my stalker can't harass me at. 

Things are looking up. 

Love ya,

S. 
 

Another Day Another Attack

 

Today I am thankful for 26 character long passwords containing of mostly symbols.  

Someone tried to request a new password for my Facebook accounts twice in the past twenty-four hours.  

I now have added a mechanism where no one can sign in unless they enter a code texted to my cell phone at the point of log-in.  

I'm fairly sure this is Shannon.  Shannon is my ex's sister.

She's the chick who tried to break into my house on my birthday.  The woman who stalks me with her boyfriend.  It's been going on forever.  She once called me to tell me I married her.  I think she's a little whacked.  

I don't understand this at all.  I don't understand why she's doing it.  I'm a little ticked.

Her boyfriend was the one following me around when I worked in a town 40 minutes away from the house.  The truck Shannon had when she tried to break into my house was registered to Doug. 

Mike says they are trying to intimidate me into leaving. 

I don't know what they want. 

I want them to go away and stay away. 

I did have another weird incident today.  I'm going to have to investigate it before jumping to conclusions.
 

I'm stumped.  Maybe someone is f'ing with me.  

I know that the unauthorized Facebook log-ins tend to happen when I interview or pay attorneys.  

Mike did go to the police and asked for advice about the mangled backdoor lock.  They seem concerned but it's hard to know who is doing what.  They suggested a restraining order.  

Now, the cops don't listen to me but I know the pattern. This has been going on for over 21 years. 

This is the pattern:  

There is a family stresser; someone dies, someone gets ill, someone loses a job, or there is another type of scary life change. 

• They always start with daily hang up calls.  They may have OCD because the calls are usually in threes. 
• Then there are weird messages left on the machine.  
• Then they leave things on the porch, in my car, in my yard, or strewn around my office in the middle of the night.  
• Things will go missing from my yard, office, car, or house.  
• Then Michael contacts his family and they beg and plead to for him to leave me and go live with his mother. 
• Then they try to break in the house, my office, or my car.  
• When that doesn't work, they will harass my neighbors, my coworkers, or other professionals in my life to spread malicious gossip.  They usually do this by telephone or in person.  
• The final step is physical assault on either myself, my pets, my colleagues, or my children.  I no longer have a dog.  

Now, the cycle has become quite fast.  I quit tracking the hang up calls.  They stopped leaving crap on the porch last fall.  

From the day Mike contacts them, Shannon will make a threat or hack into an account around the seven day mark.  Two weeks after that, there will property damage to an entry way to the house or to my vehicle.  

I don't know of an assault the last time the cycle completed.  The last assault was in January of 2011. 

Mike contacted them Tuesday and complained that I identified Doug and Shannon as my stalkers via photographs.   Yesterday marked the fifth day since he did that (which upsets me because I asked him to keep me out of his family's crap).  There were two hacking attempts yesterday.   

I'm now awaiting a threatened break-in, property damage, or an assault.  

Mike fits the profile of a stalker.  This is what is throwing me off.  His shrink says he's NPD.  The therapists I know believe he is my stalker, and one warned me to stop taking pity of Mike because he thinks it will get me killed.  My PI neighbor said the same thing.  The detective thinks he could be the stalker.  

Only the people at the shelter think it is possible that his sister is stalking me without his knowledge; they think it is possible that Mike and Shannon are both stalking me independent of each other.  It is possible, just not likely.  

I know how to make Shannon back off, though.  She fears exposure, so that is what I"m going to do.  

I'm going to post her exploits online.  

Sometimes that graduate degree in psychology pays for itself.  

Do you know what's really bugging me?  I feel guilty.  When she was watching me eat lunch with Tom, I thought she was a man!  I think I flirted with her.  

YIKES! 

Yes, I did get new glasses.  

Love ya, 

S.  

Phones

Today I am thankful for phones, even though certain men I adore refuse to use them. 

 

 

I should correct that.  A certain man hates the phone.  It's an INTP thing.  My Grandfather, my auntie, and my middle daughter are all INTPs.   They hate to talk on the telephone. 

 

Rather than call me,  he posts memes on Facebook.  I'm not sure they're about me but the last time I thought they were about someone else, they ended up being about me.  

 

This time, I'll assume it's me and pray I don't make an ass out of us. 

 

Today he posted this phrase:

 

"It's okay to feel." 

 

Yeah, I know. 

 

It's also okay to flee. 

 

It's also okay to get your freak on. 

 

It's okay to do whatever the heck you want to do so long as it isn't illegal, immoral, or fattening. 

 

Ah, but I don't know him well enough to know what his morals are. 

 

That's the problem. 

 

I feel. 

 

I feel too much. 

 

I see. 

 

I see too much. 

 

I didn't think that having feelings for someone else would make me cry so much.  It hurt much more when he said he had feelings for me. 

 

I'm confused just as I have always been. 

 

I have an ex for a roommate who wants a divorce but freaks out when I get ready to file.  He wants me to stay here and play mama to him. 

 

That doesn't mix well with wanting a lover.   I really want to remember what certain things feel like, taste like, and smell like.  I forgot. 

I remember electricity, maybe that was my imagination. 

 

So...Mr. Ex and I have to come to an understanding.  He has to sign off on it this time or else I fear he'll keep coming back.  This is what hurts.  

 

I'm realizing the shrink's NPD diagnosis is accurate.  I don't know how I missed it.  It was only today I realized that my ex will never give a shit about what I want.  He wants me to stay, that's what he expects me to do. It is pointless trying to reason with him to make it easy on everyone.  

 

It's going take a restraining order or a new girlfriend to get him to leave me alone. 

 

I'm hoping it'll be a new lover for him.  It's less invasive.

 

***

 

Now, I've done a lot of soul searching. 

 

I'm realizing how the initial attraction existed between my friend and I.  . 

 

He reminds me of my Grandfather!  He's got the same eyes and hair.  He dresses the same.  They have the same personality.  They were both content to sit with their thoughts and the things they reveal are amazing.  

 

My grandparents raised me.  I was born to a couple of drunk artists.  Grandma took me as her own. 

 

I was close to Grandpa as was my daughter.  We are both INFJs.  That must be the INFJ -INTP thing.  Grandpa opened up to us; we knew things about him that no one in the family knew.

 

He played harmonica.

He spoke Latin.

He was fairly progressive. 

He followed the latest trends in entertainment and had a better repertoire of pop music than I did.   I was an aspiring musician and originally majored in music in college.

He was a professional welder and made a lot of little yard decorations out of metal. 

 

In fact, he would see things at the store and come home to figure out how to make them himself.  When plastic squirrel yard decorations were all the rage, he bought one.  He made a mold of out it and went on to create numerous concrete squirrels for everyone he knew. 

 

He once made me my very own rubber ball from the scraps of automotive belts.  It's huge.  I still have it. 

 

He loved Grandma.  She died at noon on Halloween in 1986.  Every Halloween at noon, I tried to be with him as he would sit and stare at his lunch lost in his thoughts. 

 

If I were with him, he'd tell me stories about their life together.  

 

He was orphaned like I was.  His mother died of cancer when he was twelve.  He watched his father die in the line of duty when he was seventeen.  My great-grandfather was run over by a bootlegger trying to escape arrest. 

 

Grandfather always carried two pieces of gold in his coin purse.  He hated the FED.  He talked about the 1933 gold round-up and said that the police came to take every one's gold and he hid those two pieces in his pocket.  He was very proud of that. 

 

The old ladies in the neighborhood would tell me that he'd help them with home repairs and yard work.  I'd hear stories that he'd chase after them at the mall; which isn't as bad as it sounds because they had a senior citizen power walking group every morning. 

 

We were close.  He died in 1998. 

 

Today would be his 100th birthday. 

 

Happy Birthday, Grandpa. 

 

My favorite Grandpa quote came from the day my eldest called him Grandpa for the first time.  He gave her a big 'ol hug and told her not to forget the 'great'. 

 

Yes, he was her great grandfather.  She still got away with calling him grandpa.   He had more than twenty great grandchildren.  He had a shrine to my eldest daughter.  He didn't display pictures of the others. 

 

Those two got along famously. 

 

She still misses him as do I.  I think I've been a little lost since the day he died.  He was my compass.  He forced me to look for the truth in everything and to stay grounded in reality. 

My friend does that for me.  Maybe that is what I really need, a kind-hearted soul that keeps me grounded in reality.

 

***

 

 

Now, I do love my friend very much.  There is something holding me back and it's NOT the ex thing.  That's a problem but that's not what worries me.   I can have that solved in 92 days. 

 

 

I still believe that my energy wears out my friend.  Maybe it is because we meet in loud places.  I get the sense he can't run away from me fast enough.  Maybe it is because he picks up on my body language and it is uncomfortable knowing that we can't do anything. 

 

There is something else.  I've been living with a narcissist for 21 years.  Looking back, I spent the first ten years believing that I WAS the NARCISSIST.  It took four therapists to explain to me that I wasn't a narcissist.  I'm sure that is how this got out of hand.  If I said I wanted something, I was labeled a narcissist, ignored, and yelled at.   I never thought to question that he and his family already had that label. 

 

I don't know if I know how to act in a relationship.  I fear this negativity will never leave me.  It's like a sticky black tar that I don't want to get onto anyone else. 

 

How does one get rid of it?

 

When things settle down, I need to see a therapist or coach that specializes in relationships. 

 

 

I let myself feel.  I feel a lot.  I'm just terrified to share what I feel with another human being. 

 

There is a reason that I am terrified to open up to my friend. 

 

My ex told me that he isolated me due to my sharing my feelings with him when we were "best friends."   I told him things that I didn't like that happened in my past (e.g. raped, homeless, and beaten with a hammer) and he claimed he wanted to protect me from the world.  It was my fault, he said, because I made him feel sorry for me and that's why he married me.  He didn't love me.  He wanted to protect me. 

I know it sounds messed up, but I fear telling anyone else about my life for fear they'd do the same thing. 

 

 I'll work on that. 

  

I DO pray for my friend everyday.  I ask that he finds his true love.  I ask that he be happy.  If I am supposed to be with him, I ask that my life get straightened out and I have the qualities necessary to make it work, and be supportive of him.   

 

If it is meant to be, it'll happen soon.  If not, he'll find a hottie at a bus stop somewhere. 

I hope he's dating many women.  Life is too short to wait for an idiot. 

I hope he's playing the field.  I'll care for him no matter what happens. 
 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

A Place to Document the Abuse

 

Today I am thankful for having a place to document the abuse.

I was trying to speak to Mike to work out the details of the separation.  I want to know who lives where, when we should officially separate, and what we need to do before that happens. 

He started off talking about how he didn't want me to work.  He told me that he didn't like the way other people treated me.  He didn't like them making me carry heavy boxes.  Then, I'd come home and have to carry heavy boxes. 

I don't know. 

The conversation turned to the fact he wants me to have a traditional job first before filing for a divorce.  I told him that I was afraid to hold a job when he lived with me.  He likes to meddle with my work.  He threatens to take spark plugs out of my car.  He yells at me when I talk to my boss and he recruits friends and family to harass me at work.  I've lost quite  few jobs due to his shit. 

When I told him that I was terrified to hold a job he knew about.  He started to rage. 

He said:

"You don't want to work!" 

Sigh...

I want to work.  I don't want to deal with the stalking and harassment.  In fact, I work now.  I clean up after him.  I make stuff to sell online.  I work as a community activist and build websites for political campaigns.  I'm trying to build a skill set so that I am employable. 

How dare he call me lazy!

I'm thinking he was the one that told people that I didn't want to work.  A city attorney told me he said that numerous times.  His mother told me he said that.  Maybe he did.   It's just like a narcissist to refuse to let you hold a job because he fears you will leave him while running around claiming you are too lazy to work. 

So...now I know exactly what I'm dealing with. 

It gets weirder. 

He's trying to convince me that his sister is stalking me without his knowledge or consent.  I do not believe it. 

Every time he claims to confront her, weird things happen.  He'll say he called her and she'll try to break into the house.  He'll contact her on Facebook and she'll Tweet that she is hanging around my house.  He'll write about what happens on Facebook and the back door lock gets mangled. 

We had an agreement that he was NOT to do anything to bring her attention back to me.  He was not to contact them in relation to me. 

Well, today he told me that he went to Facebook and wrote that Shannon and Doug were stalking me.  He detailed what they did in the past two years and claimed that I was the one who described what they looked like and could identify both of them and their vehicles from photos. 

Members of his family are Facebook friends.   Now, they are talking about breaking Shannon and Doug up.   Guess who is going to get the blame for that?

He did this on Tuesday.  It usually takes Shannon about ten days to get around to threatening me after someone brings her attention back to me. 

I know what has to be done. 

I can't believe he still thinks he's going to stay married to me. 

Yikes. 

Love ya,

S. 

Voodoo Dolls and Scorpio Eclipses

 

Today I am thankful for Voodoo dolls and Scorpio eclipses. 

 

 

 

A politician threatened one of my friends working to recall her. 

 

 

How mean should I get? 

 

 

Do you know how I put a stop to the harassment I endured? 

 

 

It's a little yucky. 

 

 

I made a mixture of my piss and menstrual blood and threw it on the bully. 

 

I'm not sure if the concoction has magickal qualities or not.  The person thought I was too damn crazy to tangle with again in the future. 

Okay, that's a bit of an overstatement.  I made vitamin water and splashed my bully while practicing Latin.  I'm not above splashing piss on my stalker or his proxies, though. 

 

I did another thing that was really obnoxious.  If you want to try it, tape the offender's picture inside your shoe.  The trick is to take your shoe off when she's sitting next to you so she can see the picture. 

 

That'll freak her out. 

 

People leave me alone.  It's the superstition that makes it funny.  Then people will screw themselves up because they're so afraid of the "Voodoo." 

 

I also posted their threatening emails on Blogger in their entirety.  Politicians do NOT appreciate that. 

 

Yes, I'm evil. 

 

I'm also a hypnotist, so I can talk my way out of handcuffs.  Maybe I should be the only one playing that game. 

 

I'll take care of her. 

 

The lady I'm going after has one thing in common with me.  We were born on the same day. 

 

According to our birth horoscopes, we are mean, nasty, obnoxious, tenacious,  pretty, and share the uncanny ability to  talk ourselves into and out of anything.  We are said to leave a trail of enemies everywhere we go. 

 

Oh, and we are usually hit on by Scorpios. 

 

That certainly explains a lot about me. 

 

Ooooh......I finally have a nemesis that will be challenging.  If she kicks of her shoe and reveals my picture, she'll win because I'll die laughing. 

 

I may make a couple of voodoo dolls,  if I can figure out how to use them to psych these meanies out. 

 

Everyone knows I'm Pagan.  People literally come to me with their problems.  I must be the only person in the world who can attend a Conservative event and come home with two spell requests. 

 

They are for physical healing.  I will pray to Asclepius on the day of the sun.  I will also ask for help dealing with my health issues. 

 

I'd best try to fall asleep now and figure out how to leave this mess I'm in.

The 25th is a Scorpio eclipse.  What do you want a bet that my issue will be over that day?  It's a good day to let go of stuff that keeps you from being happy.  If you don't let go, it leaves you. 
 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 



Pain

I'm not sure I'm thankful for pain. 

Today is horrible. 

I feel like I've been punched in the abdomen.  I can barely walk. 

My right shoulder hurts.  My chest hurts.  My stomach hurts.  My right leg is throbbing.  I can't breathe.  I'm shaking.  I have chills. 

I did visit my weight loss doc today, my blood pressure was normal.  My heart palpitations were non-existent. 

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. 

It was very hard not to cry today.

I finally have enough money to file for a divorce now.  I received the last dollar I needed yesterday.  If Mike honors the agreement he typed up for me, I can pay for the entire thing. 

I tried to get to the lawyer's office to pay but didn't make it in time. 

I'm afraid Mike will spend that money.

Do you now why? 

He's begging me to stay.  He's being too nice.  He's doing the dishes and offering to help around the house.

We still sleep apart.  I really don't ever see that changing.

I don't even remember how to kiss. 

I feel so damn ugly. 

I've spent the past six years without a partner and thirteen years without emotional intimacy and dealing with chronic rage and abandonment episodes.  When his mother acted out, the man literally walked out on me. 

The NPD diagnosis explains a lot.  I'm still having trouble believing that the man I've spent my entire adult life with has no empathy.  For 21 years, my life has been a lie.  The romance was an act.  He was stealing my money and it wasn't due to oversights like he claimed it was.  He was purposely manipulating my life choices.  When we were dating, he had members of his family call my landlord to get me evicted so I would consider moving in with him.  He had people offer to give me references and then they would gossip about me so I couldn't rent elsewhere.  That was the beginning of the mess.  I'm tired.  There are so many lies, I don't think I could ever sort through them.

The things I am learning hurt me very deeply. 

That hurts deeply. 

I should move on for my sanity.  My hair had no gray in it the last time I slept with someone.  I am lucky, my hair isn't turning gray.  It is turning platinum blond, just like my grandmother's hair.   She had the softest, most beautiful hair.  I am lucky.  I may just let it go blond. 

You know, six years is a long time to be alone.  It is a long time to be told that we are exes but have to wait to divorce.  There is always something I'm supposed to wait for; a lawsuit to end, a campaign to end, a new job, some one's graduation, home repairs...the excuse to stay never ends. 

I am in pain. 

Mike is oblivious to the concept of women needing intimacy.  He says we should stay married.  I try to explain that women need more than a piece of paper.  I don't think he understands that. 

Why do men do that?  Why do they say they want to stay married because someday they may be interested in a relationship?

So, how do I work the getting out of the house thing?  If we can't come to an agreement, does he win?  I'm confused.  He expects me to stay for the kids.  He won't leave. 

Damn... If I get a restraining order, they'll be hell to pay.  I need to play nice. 

I have someone I'm interested in now but I think its too late.  I'm thinking about hiding from him, maybe if I hide away, it will be easy for us to let go of our friendship. 

It is foreign for me to actually talk to someone who looks at me or someone who gives a shit about what I think.  I am certainly not used to anyone caring about my feelings. 

When he asked me how I felt, I didn't know how to respond to that.  In the past, my feelings were either ignored or used as fuel for a rage attack. 

I'm not so sure that ignoring my feelings is going to work.  I'm getting the sense that love doesn't work that way.  By that I mean, I'm not sure it goes away when you try to avoid it. 

If I were the one for him, this would be easier.  Everything necessary would fall into place, wouldn't it?

Maybe it is. 

All I need now is a job.   

I'm in so much pain. 

I try to hide the tears but it isn't working at all. 

I'm going to try to fall asleep. 

On the bright side, I lost 12 pounds. 

I'm getting there. 

My chest is pounding and my shoulder is throbbing and with each throb I find that I cannot breathe.  I think I'd better go lie down. 

Love ya,

S. 

Limerence

Today I am thankful for an ex-boyfriend's Facebook posts about limerence. 

He posted them a few years ago before I blocked him for making fun of me.  I don't want to know who the subject was. 

I don't. 

My friends and family say it is me. 

I don't know.  He dated some hot chicks after we broke up. 

Today I read a blog belonging to a stalker crying out for help.  He seems to have gotten it now but it all seems to be chalked down to a borderline obsession.  He blamed limerence. 

His behavior put me in mind of Michael. 

I did read some articles about activists and whistle blowers being harassed by local governments. 

That could be what is going on now, too. 

I don't know. 

I don't care. 

I'm trying to figure out the stalking crap, so I know what to do.

I didn't live in this city in 1992 (so that was Michael).   There have been numerous crazy things I've endured from city employees since 2008 (that are probably due to Michael being a whistleblower and suing the city). 

The mangled deadbolt, the GPS box, the crazy stuff could have been done by any of them. 

In the past two years, Shannon did try to break into my house on my birthday, she did drive a truck that is registered to her fiancé (Doug) on the attempted breaking into the house expedition.  Doug harassed me in the streets and threatened a little old lady.  Shannon has called my home numerous times pretending to be a solicitor for a breast cancer charity. 

I don't know who put the gps box on my car.  I don't know who puts the crap on my porch.  I don't know who mangled the lock.

This is all recent.  If I go back to 2008 then I have to talk about the city stuff.  If I go to 1992, I have to talk about Mike's cousin and sister stalking me. 

This is what I am going to do.  I'm going to throw out the superstition and we'll see if the stalker gets caught in the net.  I may or may not go upstairs and cast a Thursday curse.  

I realize now that I'm not going to take the Shaman's advice. 

I fear getting trapped in a new relationship. 

My friend and I have a block I can't identify. 

I know that my presence wears him out, so any relationship with him couldn't possibly ever work.

Could it be a mismatch?

It's more likely that I can't deal with the thought of romance right now. 

So....

I'll love my friend from afar. 

Love ya,

S. 

The Shaman

Today, yet again, I am thankful for my Shaman friend.  

I'm a little spooked out.....

but okay, I'll go with it.

There are three men before me.

I'm supposed to open up to one.

That means that I must tell him what is going on.

I don't even know.  I have a pretty good idea but I'm not sure.

Maybe I should tell him.  I think he knows, too.  I mentioned that my stalker was my sister-in-law and he scoffed.

Everyone does that!  Everyone is sure my ex is the stalker.

Yes, I'm sure my ex has something to do with it but it is my sister-in-law's face that I keep seeing.  It is her Twitter account that brags about hanging out by my house, she was the one I caught trying to break into the house, and it is her fiance that harassed me in the street.  As far as I know, my stalker is my sister-in-law.  

I was also told to run away from the two Scorpios.

I must examine why one of them keeps coming back whenever he has a personal crisis yet is never there for me.

Actually, all of the Scorpios I've ever dated do that.  They get arrested, they call.  They get fired, they call.  They get cheated on, they call.  They can't get laid, they call and get frustrated.  Their mommies convince them that I'm Satan incarnate, they leave only to come back when she won't spoil them rotten  (okay, that was only Michael and his mommy).

I'm tired.

When I have the answer as to what went wrong with my other past relationships (all of them Scorpios) then I can have a relationship with someone new.

Yeah....I can tell you what went wrong!  It's me!!  I'm too ambitious to be happily tied down like a dog all day!


Just teasing.

Okay....

I'm supposed to take a couple of days to focus on love; loving my fellow human beings, loving myself, and loving the person presented on my path.

Or, I can throw myself into work and ignore men for awhile.

Does anyone have a good lead for a job?

Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  I am really hurting today.  My friends had a young friend die a couple of weeks ago and they are raising money to help his family.  I didn't think I knew the man but I tried to promote their fundraiser out of love for my friends.

Do you know who he was?

He was the realtor trying to help me prepare for my divorce by getting the house ready to sell.

This hurts.  He had a common name.  I had no clue that I had met him.

It is truly a small world.

The lesson for me is to show gratitude the moment someone shows me a kindness.  If I hesitate, that person may not be there to thank.

Love as much as you can as long as you can.

Activists, Black Magick, & Superstitious People

 

Today I am thankful for activists, black magick, and superstitious people.

In a nutshell, I have a stalker. 

I've had one since 1992! 

It started before I dated the man I would eventually marry.  If I were alone with another man, one of my in-laws would call claiming that they drove by my apartment, peeked in the window, and saw I was with someone else. 

This was before we dated.  This is why he had to wait a long time to date me, too. 

NO one ever takes responsibility for the stalking! 

It's been constant.  If I ask my ex to put a stop to it, he starts raging.  He always has and he always will. 

Now, beginning August of 2008, I started getting harassed by city employees.  My ex worked for the city.  This led to me organizing an activist group and running for mayor.  

I'd get money stolen from me. 

I'd get bizarre phone calls with the city extension. 

I'd get bizarre emails, some threatening, some not. 

I'd find cops in my backyard, in my garage, and banging on the door in the middle of the night. 

I'm a hypnotist.  I'd do the 'ol confusion technique and they'd leave me alone for awhile. 

Today, one of my activist buddies friended me on Facebook and went scrolling through my notes.  Back in 2008, every time I'd get a freaky email, I'd post it publicly.  Of course, he had to 'like' everything which forced me to look at those posts. 

The city has been stalking me since 2008!

The phone calls, the cop cars sitting outside the house, the emails claiming to know what I was doing...it fits. 

I've even seen cars from this city sitting outside my office 45 minutes away.  I always dismissed it as a coincidence.  May not. 

Then it hit me! Maybe this is the real reason the police refuse to investigate my reports. 

Could it be that Mike is recruiting his friends and former colleagues to do this? 

Or do I have two sets of idiots making my life a living hell?

I do know that Mike's former supervisor sent a majority of those emails.  I do know that she claimed to be dating my PAR officer, the guy I call when the stalking happens.  I DO know he is said to be  the guy hanging out in my garage and he did so after Mike abused his former supervisor (the cop's alleged girlfriend) during a deposition. 

The city hired high priced lawyers at a firm run by a former lawmaker, they deposed me for eight hours the next business day. 

I learned something that day,

lawyers do not depose hypnotists. 

Hypnotists depose lawyers. 

None of what I am going through makes sense. 

Mike is blaming his sister. 

The cops are blaming Mike. 

My friends are still getting harassed and threatened. 

In any event, I'm still being stalked. 

It is the stalking that is the problem. 

Would the f'ing stalker please tell me what the hell he or she wants?

No matter....I'll do what I did the last time the tax audit lady at the city had a stroke and crashed her car. 

Someone had sent me a threatening email.  I sent a return curse to the sender.  A former supervisor at the city told me that the lady who had been spreading slander about me in online forums had a stroke that day. 

So....

Wanna play with me? 

The best part is that I don't need a name. 

Nope....

I just reverse the energy. 

I did that four months ago and Mike's father died the moment the candle burned out.   I learned the next day that the decedent's daughter, her fiancé, his niece, and his brother-in-law were the ones harassing me.  I learned that his daughter was the one who tried to break into the house.  Another niece was calling here to get information about my whereabouts.  I also learned that Mike's father was the man driving by my house every night around 5:30 p.m.  

So.....I'm going to ask one more time. 

Wanna play? 

Or do you want to investigate and tell me what exactly is going on. 

The mistake was leaving the GPS box on my car and harassing third parties.  That's proof of the stalking. 

If you just followed me around and sent harassing emails, I wouldn't give a shit. 

Someone threatened a little old lady. 

It's time for me to take action. 

So...

Don't mess with me.  I don't play nice. 

Never piss me off to the point of going dark. 

I'm there now.  People think they can keep secrets.  They can't. 

They'll get theirs, especially if they are superstitious. 

Look what happened to the city the last time I cast a spell due to the city not taking responsibility for the theft of their employees!  Those dastardly city officials have lost every tax hike they wanted to pass. 

It was a truth telling spell.  If they lie, they lose. 

That's what happens when you steal a witch's money. She'll make it hard for you to steal from other people. 

It was cute.  A police officer that I have grown terribly fond of watched me cast that spell, too.  He just watched.  I also cast a protection spell on the police department that day in honor of him. 

He didn't say a thing, even when I ran for mayor.  How funny is that? 

Sigh....

It's time to call the coven. 

Love ya,

S. 

Edit sometime later:  Just when I think I'm paranoid, I get comments on my social networking pages from people I don't know.  So, I'll look at their about pages and see the municipal building PO box listed as an address. 

The comments are always nice.  They are always supportive.  I don't mind it -but- it gives me the sense that someone at the city is watching me.  I wonder if it has to do with Mike's former boss pitching the latest round of tax hikes later in the week. 

No matter...I've never seen a city employee threaten an old lady.  Until I see that, I'll play nice. 

Although I did make friends with the family of a boy ripped out of a truck at gunpoint last June.  Never underestimate the people activists can meet online, too. 

I hope they fired the jack-arse that gave the order to violate the fourth amendment.  They'd best not  threaten babies again, my Goddess doesn't tolerate the abuse of children. 

Is she for real?  Or is she f'ckin with you? 

Dare to find out? 

P.S.  Now, let us just sit back and watch who spreads this gossip.  That'll probably be the stalker. 

I'm more of a bitch than a witch. 

Of the three hits I'll get in the next four hours, or the twelve hits I'll get in the next 2 days, I'm going to bet that one of you is the stalking ringleader.  I'm going to bet, that you've been eating up the steady diet of shit I've been typing and spewing it as truth to your friends. 

No matter...I'll catch ya. 

Try to find the subliminal command. 

Idiot!