Pick Up Artists

Today I may or may not be thankful for men hitting on me.

Well, maybe I am thankful because they remind me of what I want.   

Steve invited me out to lunch.  I wasn't sure if I should go because I can't be...me.  I get the sense he's got a grand idea cooking in his mind.  I thought that if I went and made listening to him a priority, I would be a good friend to him.  

I went.  

I was weird.  I felt weird.  I couldn't eat anything today.  I tried to eat a piece of bread this morning, it didn't sit well.  

I went out anyway.  We ordered Mediterranean food.  My stomach started burning.  I didn't take more than three bites.  

Everything I ordered was an aphrodisiac....these are things I love to eat because they make me want milk.  

I couldn't eat them.  

He asked if anything new was going on.  I was honest, there is nothing new that I can talk about.  I didn't know what to say.  I can't risk hurting my friend.  

I tried not to stare at his eyes.  They're hypnotic.  

It's like we had two conversations going.  We had an intuitive conversation akin to "what the hell is going on?" and a verbal conversation about philosophy.  

I sat there wondering if I was going to survive the afternoon.  I didn't feel well at all.  I think it was cognitive dissonance.  I'm stuck here.  I want to be somewhere else.  He knows I want to be with him but I can't.  On some messed up level, I half expect a gorgeous woman to walk up and snap him up.  I'd like to see one of us happy.  

When Steve left, I went into the local vitamin shop to see if they had ginger root to calm my stomach.  They didn't really have anything that would do the trick.  As I stood there looking at the vitamins, a man approached me.  He started asking questions about vitamins.  He told me about his trick knee and how he used to play sports.  He introduced himself.  Asked for my name.  We both had Irish names.  I thought that was funny.  We went on like this for a few minutes before he took off his hat and revealed a head of red hair.   Frustrated at his intrusion, I told him that I was inching towards the liquor store next store because I'm an Irish lush with severe emotional problems.  The man said his farewell and started walking away.  I heard him call my name and say I was beautiful. 

I kept walking.  

Other men make me miss my friend.  

I was wearing a pink dress and I swear it makes me look like a pig.

What the heck do they see?  

I went home.  The teenager dove into a box of cookies and the smell of the chocolate made me wretch.  

Something is wrong with me.  I swore that I'd just stay home and work for a bit.  

There is this young man who is always hitting on me.  He's fifteen years my junior.  It's okay.  He's alone.  It won't be long until he finds the one.  I think he's just using me for pick up practice.  

He asked me to go out with a group of mutual friends to talk politics.  I went.  I'm glad I did because I did manage to get some insight into issues that need resolved.  

On the way out, he propositioned me for the one thing I really haven't had in six years.  

It was the beer talking.  

I told him that I already had a love interest.  So, now I'm thinking about my friend at 1:00 in the morning getting ready to go to sleep all by myself.  

I don't know what to do right now.  I don't know what to say.  Do I waste my friend's time with an explanation or do I build him up so he gets what he needs?   

This is tough.  

I hate Fridays.  It's tough for both Steve and I.  I try to sleep and end up crying a lot, wishing to have a partner.  I usually don't fall asleep until 4:00 a.m.  I beg Aphrodite to send me a partner.  Steve sends me messages hinting that he's holding back.  I don't know what to do.  

Where does one talk of such things?   We don't really see each other enough in quiet places that will allow us to have deep conversations.  Maybe there is a reason this isn't working out.

Maybe I am too weird for love.  

I'll pray some more.  

Love ya, 

S.  

Edit 6/7/13 - I learned the identity of the man in the vitamin shop today.  He is the owner of a very expensive and popular bar and restaurant. 

No wonder he laughed at the lush comment.  He could have given me my alleged fix and made me indebted to him. 

My lesson is to NEVER claim to be an alcoholic in public. 

Not everyone is turned off by that. 

It's a small world.  I'll stop acting like a nutcase now.  That's not how I want to be remembered.