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Indigo Henna

 
Today I am thankful for indigo henna.

It was supposed to be a medium warm brown.  I'm trying to darken my hair from the orange hue I've had since using a new brand of relaxer. 

Well...after I put the henna on my head, I noticed that it was blue. 

I rinsed it out. 

Long story short,  I have black hair now.

I've had it all week.  

I look weird. 

Maybe I don't look weird. 

Maybe I look exotic. 

I have white, almost translucent, skin. 

My black hair makes my green eyes pop!

I wonder what I'd look like if I take tanning pills?

I've got to try that. 

This has been an eye opening experience. 

I've learned a couple of things. 

First, men do not stare at brunettes. 

Men have not approached me in libraries and asked private information about my sex life.  I spent two hours at the library today doing research.  I was left completely alone!!  I actually got a lot of work done!

Men do not ask brunettes for phone numbers. 

They don't flirt. 

They don't get in your business.  They don't ask what you are doing.  They don't solicit advice.  They don't get nosey. 

They don't buy you drinks. 

They don't grab your skirt. 

It's nice to be left alone. 

I'll enjoy this for awhile.

I wore a wrap dress today.  I love those things!  I'm down 17 pounds, so I can finally fit into some of my hot clothes. 

If I lose another 15, I can fit into my steamy clothes! 

I can't wait.  I have two other wrap dresses.  One has a pink hypno-wheel pattern.  It's hot.  The other has a flower pattern. 

I used to drive my ex nuts wearing my thigh high stockings with my wrap dresses.  When you walk in those, the wind can come and blow the skirt just enough to give your beau a thrill.

Sigh....

Now, I'm off to sleep to ponder how I missed the truth of that relationship.  How blinded by love was I?   I was an idiot!  I am terrified of bringing that negative energy forward into a new relationship. 

I'm afraid that all that narc abuse is going to hit me like a ton of bricks when he finally moves out of the house.  I have PTSD from the last round of crap. 

I can fix it.  I just don't want anyone around when I start shaking and crying.  I've got to find a nice way to get rid of all the energy. 

The first time he left, I had a punching bag. 

The second time, I wore out my round wounds from slapping them all the time.

The third time, I went out with my love interest. 

This time, I hope to have my business back.  I'm working on it.  One day at a time. 

We'll see how it goes. 

Yeah, yeah...I guess I could continue to read all those wonderful books on communication strategies in relationships.  I'm so used to being ignored, I had forgotten how to share myself with other people.

As I type that, I feel an ache in my chest.   I know that is how I lost my friend.  I don't know how to share my feelings.  I know he wanted me to.  I don't know how to verbalize them. 

I guess I'm more kinesthetic when it comes to some things.  Being in crowded restaurants is not conducive to such emotional displays. 

I am avoiding him.  He may have given up on me.  He may be giving me space.  I don't know. 

Yeah, I know that it is easy to avoid men that you love.  The problem is that the love doesn't die.  I can avoid his energy but my feelings are still here. 

I'm crazy.  I can't let my friend be near crazy. 

How do people do that?  How do they flit from partner to partner without a care in the world?  Don't they worry about their baggage tripping other people up? 

I have no clue.

Facebook is pissing me off.   There is a guy hitting on me hard.  It's driving me insane.  I miss actually having a partner because then I can change my relationship status and not worry about men hitting on me.

Luckily, with my new appearance, it won't matter.  No one will be interested in me now.  I wonder how long my hair will be black before the red starts showing through? 

That'll be a funny sight. 

Love ya,

S. 






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