Today I am thankful for long drives.
I spent a heck of a lot of time on the road today in a rickety old car with a flat tire. It gave me a lot of time to think.
I spent the afternoon with my daughter at her ex-boyfriend's hearing. The victim's advocate was stupid, pardon my french, but she didn't know what she was doing.
She caught the bruises on my daughter's face that the DA missed.
But she didn't offer any real world advice. She let the DA drop the assault charge in lieu of a harassment charge. That's just going to embolden him to act out again.
I used to be a victim's advocate for a larger county until my ex started getting abusive. It was the DA who told me to get a divorce. This was back in 1998.
My daughter is struggling with housing. I cleaned up her apartment. Her ex tore the place up.
She told me that her father moved her in with her ex. That was a stupid thing to do. He's realized his mistake. Yes, her father is considering taking her in. We'll see.
Once my divorce gets going, I'll have an empty basement apartment.
On the road back and forth from court, all I did was cry. I'd hear a love song on the radio, think of my friend, and I'd start to hurt. It made me cry.
What the heck is wrong with me?
Now, my friend has patterns. He doesn't know it...but he does.
He's very intelligent. When he's happy, it shows. His arguments make sense. He's compassionate. He's kind. He's witty.
When he's sad, his arguments lose steam only because he comes off cocky.
That's how I know he's hurting, too.
We're both introverts. When we hurt, we have to withdrawal into our own little worlds to mull things over. One of us likes to do that with movies. The other likes to do that with long drives and walks.
He'll vent and be back to his old self soon.
I know he's destined to do great things. It's almost as though he has to get rid of some negative programming first. He doesn't see who he is. It makes me sad.
He needs someone to remind him who he is.
He needs someone to give him something beautiful.
Men need that.
I love him and I want him to be happy.
I wish I could get my crap together. I shouldn't be here alone. I guess I really don't have to be alone.
He shouldn't be there alone.
I'm terrified of hurting my friend. They say that people rebound.
Yes, my last rebound lasted 21 years
-but-
I don't want to hurt him.
Why aren't my prayers for my friend to find his true love being answered?
If it were me, we'd be able to talk. Things would be easier. I'd find a way to fix my mess.
Why does love hurt so much?
Why do we hurt when we find that we love someone and can't be with them?
It wasn't so bad when I thought he didn't have feelings for me.
When he told me how he felt, I began to hurt because I couldn't be with him. Valentine's Day hurt because I couldn't be with anyone. It doesn't matter what happens. It hurts.
In retrospect, I can pinpoint the exact moment that I knew he had feelings for me. He looked into my eyes just a little too long. It was 20 months ago, a few days after my birthday. He was giving a beautiful speech about energy and connection. It felt like he was talking to me.
Like a classless fool, I denied what I saw. I shouldn't have done that.
When other people asked me if we were coupled, I ignored them. The last time someone asked was a little over a month ago.
Ugh....
I'm off to cry in my pillow again.
I was offered an office very close to his home. I turned it down. It was a spare office inside a medical clinic and they only wanted $50 a week for it. They paid all the utilities and internet. It was hard to turn it down. I realized that it would probably make me cry too much to be in that area all the time.
I need to get this right in my head.
I'll try giving positive energy to the situation. It has to work out. I have to believe everyone will be happy soon.
Love ya,
S.