Stupidity

Today I am thankful for recognizing my own stupidity. 

How in the world can I read the body language of politicians while being confused by my ex's body language?

I can tell when the Governor lies.

I can tell when my ex lies, I just assume I am wrong.

Truth be told, he IS a liar.

He acts like a liar.

He questions me when I ask him a question about what he knew about the stalking.

Then he rages at me if I ask the question again.

Then he'll leave the room if I ask a third time.

He refuses to tell the truth.

He's involved in the stalking.

Yet for some stupid reason, I tend to believe him.

Goodness gracious, I'm a dolt.

We went to hire another attorney today for the purposes of getting a restraining order against Shannon -and- my ex balked.

He balked just like he did when I picked up the phone to call the police after discovering the newly installed back locks were broken.

So, there will be no restraining order.

Okay....whatever.

The cops are right, he's the stalker.

That still doesn't explain why the city audit supervisor harassed and lied about me -nor- does it explain the cops harassing me between 2008-2011 by sitting outside of my house day and night.

I guess their harassing me led them to discovering my stalker.  In fact, it was a friend of the mayor's son who told me I was being stalked by a dark haired man.

People involved with the city were the ones that pointed it out for me.  They're the ones that told me who was behind it.

I was oblivious to it before that day, so.... I guess their behavior is a wash.

I may owe an apology to one lawyer I chewed out -but- she did break the law (and continues to do so by the way).  Still she was telling the truth when she said my ex was abusing and stalking me.

I may apologize for hypnotizing her to be honest.  She's that, even if she's prone to padding the city budget with illegal fines.

As far as the stalking, I guess I know what I've got to do.

Drat....

It took writing about that ol' zombie love to get me to think about it.  My old flame belongs in my past.  He's like a teddy bear; he's a relic from my childhood.  I'll be damned if some fat old fart is going to stalk the heck out of him due to jealousy of the innocent relationship we had as kids.

The stalking crap angers the holy heck out of me.

That really does make my blood boil!

It is high time that I put an end to that in a heartbeat.

Don't mess with a woman's first love.  Leave him alone.  Keep him in the past and all will be well.

Don't mess with her best friend either.  Leave him alone and don't give her a reason to feel like she owes him comfort.  That'll only lead to more jealousy.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my ex wants me to screw someone else.

Why else would he create constant situations where other men would feel the need to protect me?

My ex is just trying to get me laid, isn't he?

If he weren't, he wouldn't let his family, friends, and former workmates at the city harass me.

I will engage in a new relationship when a man I want and I are ready to do so.  My ex won't figure into the equation.  The stalking won't figure into the equation.  I'm going to take care of this once and for all!

Yes...I found a solution.  

I went gun shopping today.  My Senator has inspired me to get a concealed carry.  I think she tried to use reverse psychology on me.

Guns are bad, Siegfred.  Don't get one, Siegfred.  They are evil.  They are horrible... blah...blah...blah...

Controlling stalking men and controlling liberal politicians are evil.

Guns are just metal.

Besides, I learned to shoot as a kid.

I learned to clean my daddy's gun as a toddler.

I love the smell of gun grease.

It's time.

I'll do it.

I'm tired.

I'm off to sell a few things to pay that permit fee.

Love ya,

S.

Restraining Order Lawyer

Today I am thankful for my new lawyer; this one is a family law practitioner but he will only work with me to help me get a restraining order against my abusive former in-laws. 

I was up until a little after 3:30 am reading the website of a minister who counsels adult children of narcissists.  She writes about her personal story and her relationship with her NPD father. 

He stalks her and her family. 

He hassles them constantly. 

He ignores her cease and desist letters. 

She writes about how he will have lawyers send letters to her promising inclusion in a will.

That sounds familiar. 

Where have I seen this before? 

The reason for promising money is that they assume their children are as greedy as they are.  They try to hook the person into contact with the promise of money.  The object of the game is to get the spouse and children to side with him against the adult child of the narcissist. 

Between letters from lawyers, the kids will get cards promising them $1,000 each if they call their Grandpa against their mother's wishes. 

That is pretty darn toxic. 

I don't know if he's ever menaced her neighbors with a gun. 

I hope that is unique to our situation. 

This morning, I learned that my ex wrote about our divorce and his new apartment on Facebook.  There must be a troll on that website stalking him because within 24 hours of posting that, his mother hired the Grandparent's Rights Lawyer to send the letter her on her behalf.

The letter alluded to the promised of an unspecified item left to him by his father -but- the catch would be he'd need to visit with his mother to get it.  It also asked that he contact the lawyer but he didn't because he correctly figured it was another fishing expedition. 

Just to be sure that there was no funny business, he went to the courthouse and pulled the file pertaining to the case number given.  There really was nothing to it.  No one was contesting the will or threatening my former mother-in-law with legal action.  The will left everything to his mother. 

There was no reason for her to hire a lawyer.  Why do so after the case is settled? 

That made no sense to me, except that it was a way to get around the cease and desist demand we sent earlier and it could be a means to test whether or not I would give mail to my ex. 

They did this once before.  We moved and they sent Valentines to the baby in order to get our forwarding address.  That is one mistake we will never make again.  Nothing will ever be forwarded again so long as these people breathe. 

How do I know?   They brag about their exploits. 

I want to know how they got pictures of my kids from my living room.  I wish they'd brag about that into a tape recorder.  

I am so tired of this crap. 

Today my ex and I retained council. 

We had to do that. 

Yes, I truly believe that the primary reason the Grandparents Rights Lawyer wrote here was to get a forwarding address for my ex or to test whether or not I gave him his mail.  She may have been trying to learn more about our separation and divorce.  

See, we can be separated/divorced but so long as I let him live here my mother-in-law cannot sue for Grandparent visitation.  My ex can officially sleep in his basement bedroom as long as he'd like. 

I don't know what the definition of cohabitation is.  Does he need to sleep here one weekend a year?  or 52?  I don't know.  I don't care.  My former in-laws will have to stalk me to find out when he's here and if they do that, I'll catch them on video and have their happy arses arrested for stalking!

I'll get the restraining order, there will be no threat of grandparent visitation. 

I'll just give them enough rope to hang themselves. 

Rope....it's the gift I'm giving stalkers this year. 

There are always ways around bull crap....always. 

In answer to the stalker's question, yes I give him his mail. 

I will NEVER give up his new address to anyone. 

Do you know why? 

I don't have it.  I don't want it.  If I get his mailing address, I'll end up with his sister's pistol in my face while she demands it. 

It's better that the kids and I send things to his PO Box. 

I'm going to try to head the latest round of trouble off at the pass. 

We see the new lawyer today and will ask him to write a new Cease and  Desist letter. 

We'll also talk about when the right time to get a restraining order will be.  Once that is issued, my former mother-in-law cannot possibly seek visitation for a period of two years because the stalker lives with her. 

Yes, my 42 year old sister-in-law still lives in the basement of her mother's home.

As I type that, I wonder about the reason emotional vampires like living in basements.

Wow...

They've already violated the first letter.  I can prove Shannon tried to break in and that Doug harassed people at my office.  I have messages from my answering machine where my mother-in-law threatened me.  I can easily get a restraining order. 

I've saved all the crap they put on my porches. I bet they can find a fingerprint or two on those.  I still have the broken locks. 

We'll see what the lawyer says.   I'm thinking my ex may need one more than I. 

Perhaps they are harassing me to get to my ex.

I need to put an end to this so I can get back with my life. 

I need to do so using mundane tools like courts and lawyers. 

I'll save the magick for later. 

Love ya,

S.

Edit six years later:  So - a few years after this entry, I discovered that my ex was actually the stalker.  He would tell me that he never spoke to his family so he didn't know why they do the crazy things they did.  He claimed to be their victim.  He claimed they were stalking him.

Then, I learned he spoke to his cousin on a daily basis.  I further learned that she lived next to his brother who, in turn, shared my information with his family.  My ex admitted to sending his sister a key to my home and inviting her to come on in any time.

The whole thing was a gaslighting set-up.

Of course, now he claims that I made the whole thing up and uses this as a topic of emotional harassment during discussions about lowering his child support and dropping his arrearages.

The same type of harassment is sporadic but ongoing.  I'll probably never know what exactly happened.  



Zombie Love

 

Today I am thankful for Zombie Love.

You know....zombie love.  It is a phrase that correlates directly with my high school sweetheart.

You don't know what zombie love is? 

Oh, that's first love that refuses to die no matter how clear it is that two dumb kids who imprinted on each other were never suited for each other. 

Zombie love -

It never dies.

It will always be undead....

forever. 

It just changes. 

See? 

I have a zombie love. 

He was Scottish. 

I'm a little sad about it today because I was informed he was the reason I was stalked heavily in the past few years. 

My ex was jealous that I was willing to meet my old friend in a crowded restaurant filled with my ultra-conservative work colleagues and political adversaries.

Oh, did I mention my old friend had a broken leg? 

Oh, did I mention that he gets much hotter chicks? 

Yeah....nothing was going to happen. 

I don't understand why a man heck bent on divorcing me would get so jealous that I met with an old friend. 

I really don't. 

Alrighty then!!! 

Whatever....

I'm not sure what I could have done.

Hey.....it's not like I left the house wearing a blue ribbon!! 

Why would anyone be jealous of that? 

Today I also realized that this man had a really big impact on the men who came after him. 

I have a friend I adore who is of Scottish heritage.  Today I went birthday shopping and ordered some bland ol' thing from Scotland for him. 

I was looking at the Tartan cloths. 
 
I realized as I scrolled through the names that most of my close male friends have been Scottish. 

My goodness, I had no idea that most of my closest friends were all Scottish.

I didn't marry any of them. 

They guy I'm divorcing is Irish descended, like I am.

Every man I've looked twice at has been Scottish. 

Holy Crap!! 

That could be my problem right there!! 

That zombie love is still impacting my life! 

You know.... that settles it. 

I'm running off to Latin America.

Okay, I'm just teasing. 

I'm still trying to process the stalking.  I spent the day reading books on safety. 

I learned a lot. 

I probably need a gun, need to change my name, move and hide. 

I also read one book on enmeshed, abusive families.  Apparently stalking isn't uncommon and the stalking tends to take place between September and January (around Christmas) or during times of stress.  They tend to harass third parties (including ex spouses) in order to get to their estranged children.

This could explain a lot.  Most of the stalking I endure takes place between Oct. 15th and Jan. 15th.  This year, however, has been exceptionally bad due to the death of my stalker's father. 

It would seem that these are attempts to gain the attention of my ex so that he'll visit his mother for the holidays. 

At least that would make sense if my ex wasn't talking to his family. 
He tells me that he's estranged from them but I'm learning that this isn't the case nor has it been the case for several years.

This isn't making sense.

The cops think that they may be following me around to try to catch me doing something immoral. 

It still doesn't explain to me how my ex knows when his sister is following me. 

Maybe they're working together? 

Maybe I'm grasping at too many straws. 

There has to be an explanation, doesn't there?

How can I stay safe unless I know exactly what is going on?

I feel incredibly horrible because when the stalking first started (over 21 years ago), my soon to be ex-husband blamed my zombie love. 

He blamed my high school sweetheart.  Well, to be fair, rumor had it that my zombie love attacked a  roommate thinking we were bopping back in 1987 (six months after he broke up with me, no less). 

My roommate was Scottish, too. 

That's funny.

After the stalking continued in 1992, I changed my name and hid. 

When it happened again in 2011, my soon to be ex-husband blamed my zombie love and then alluded to stalking him.  It was last year that he admitted to asking his cousin to stalk my old friend. 

Thank goodness he has a common name and doesn't live in the same state we live in. 

Yikes....

I feel guilty for hiding away from my old friend. 

I now feel guilty for running off when I saw him in grocery stores or parking lots.  He has a distinctive walk.  I've never met another soul who moves like that. 

I saw him.  I always ran. 

I've done that since 1988.  It took me twenty years to get up the courage to talk to him.  I did so out of pity.  My old friend was obviously depressed. 

I feel bad. 

I have learned a lot from my experience re-visiting my first love. 

My lesson from my zombie love is that love doesn't die.  I'm terribly picky as to whom I share that gift with now. 

I tried very hard not to let it sneak up on me this time but by the time I realized what was happening it was too late. 

I don't know what will happen between my friend and I.  I'm having severe trust issues and am hoping therapy will patch me up.

Maybe my new friend will find someone else. 

I don't know. 

I have to take things one day at a time. 

After this stalking, abusive, threatening, lying bull crap I'm enduring, I think about love the same way some people approach haunted houses. 

For some reason now, I equate love with terror. 

Except when it comes to that first love.  I guess I am lucky he kept things innocent for me.  How lucky am I to have found one guy who wouldn't touch me despite all those raging teenage hormones and the ease of access a kilt provides?

I'm the luckiest woman alive, aren't I? 

Wow....

I'm going to go out and buy a lotto ticket.  If I win, I'll give 25%+ of what I end up with to a charity that helps stalking victims. 

Maybe I still have some luck left. 

Love ya,

S. 

Dumb Democrats

Today I am thankful that I can go toe to toe with dumb Democrats. 

So, I took over a recall bid to let it die because the woman they were trying to recall has a spine.

Her cohorts are trying to do away with the death penalty and she told them to grow a brain.

So.. we let her recall bid die.

Shhhhh.....that's a secret.

As long as she's in office, the gun rights weirdos will have a common enemy.  They will get more donations and more money to elect conservatives.

It's a win-win.

Besides, she'll be replaced in 2014 anyway.  She has no idea how many Democrats in her district she pissed off.   Many Democrats are gun owners.

I knocked on doors.  Her constituents are not happy.

She's a goner.

Worse, she's breaking local election law.

It's not a secret.  I managed to find proof -but- I may not need to do anything with it.

She's a goner.

Sigh...

Battles.....this daughter of Ares has to pick her battles a little more wisely.

Now, her fellow Democrats are attacking me and anyone else they think is going to get them recalled.

They don't understand the game.

They are too stupid to understand what is going on.

I'm an equal opportunity hater.

If you ignore the people, you must go.  Whether a Republican or a Democrat wins, I'll still have battles to fight.  One wants to tax the heck out of you, the other wants to legislate morality.

Wait....both groups want to do that now, don't they?

No matter who wins - the people lose.

It's no secret that I have a stalker.

Everyone knows...the stalker brags about it.

I wish she'd explain why she's doing it.

If she's doing it for my ex, I need to know so I can go to war with the right person.

I thought the promise of witchcraft would get me some kind of admission of guilt.

It hasn't.

Bummer.....usually that works with superstitious people!!!

It's cheaper than the cost of a police investigation!

I tried....

So, today....a Democrat Senator was bragging about how they passed a law where convicted felons can't legally own guns.  How sweet!  That stalker crazy person is going to have to nearly kill me before they take away her gun!

Oh, I'm feeling safe now!!!

Aren't you?

I can't afford to own a gun.

Yeah, this same Senator thinks they are acting "courageous" because they are in forcing people to pay hundreds of dollars for background checks with a 94-99% false positive rate.

Oh...yeah....the cost is a mere $335.  That's just a tiny drop in the bucket (sarcasm).

Maybe we pay our legislators too much if they think the average person can afford that kind of scratch.

I would have paid $100 for the shooting class but my friends took pity on me and paid my tuition.  They gave me two certificates; one for the county and one for my wall so my stalker can see it the next time she breaks in the house.

That doesn't include the cost of a gun.  I don't want a gun.  I want the permit to hang on my wall so when Ms. Stalker breaks in she's going to be busy looking for my non-existent gun while I grab my decorative sword.

I'm Pagan.  My weapons are different.  I'm not fond of gunpowder.

So far, the tax tally for me pertaining to this adventure has been quite high.

The cops told me that I had to file for a divorce in order to stop the stalking.

The county charged me $230 for that.  I don't have a job due to the stalking, so I have to get creative to find the money.

Now, I have to pay $130 for parenting classes in order to get divorced and I have 60 days from the time of filing to fund those.

This does not include the $35 document charges or the other miscellaneous filing fees.

Remember, I don't have a steady income.  I will move my business on Thursday.  That, also will cost me $25 a year in local license fees, $280 in state license fees (retail + professional) and whatever else the city and state can use to nickle and dime me to death.

So, I'm out $360 in taxes (county fees) just to get divorced to put a stop to the stalking.

I'm out another $305 to restart my business in another locale to get away from the crazy lady.

Now if I want to buy a used car that runs and is stalker-owned GPS box free, I'm looking at crazy taxes for that, too.

It is not cheap to buy protection and to get away from a stalker.

Lawmakers don't understand reality.

If they did...they would understand that criminals don't follow the letter of the law.  I mean...really...if my stalker honored the law she wouldn't be stalking me or menacing my neighbors with her gun!!!

That is beside the point.

If I want to legally own a gun, it would be another $335 in county taxes (background check fees).

Let's add this up:

Divorce taxes & required fees = $360.00
Business moving taxes = $305.00
Gun ownership taxes & required fees = $435.00

So, now, If I want to do the right things to protect myself and my family, it'll cost me $1,100 just because some crazy old bat likes to follow me around and menace my neighbors with her handgun.

I'm estimating about $500 for the taxes on a used car.  We did manage to put an initiative on the ballot that would have minimized the taxes so that they would only cost $10 for cars worth less than $1,000.

It was defeated.

That would have helped the poor so much!!!

I'm a Libertarian.  I care about the poor.  I care whether or not they can drive to work.

I can't believe the world we live in.

I really can't.

Here is the deal, folks.

I don't need a gun.

My crossbow only cost $95.00 brand new.

I don't need a permit for that because I don't take it out of the house.

Cheap perfume will sting the eyes better than pepper spray.  The really stingy, scary stuff only costs $1.

I don't need a permit for that.

I love books!  I love book bags!

One swing of my book bag and we're talking the potential for a head injury.

I don't need a permit for that.

I still have my pink aluminum rat smacking bat I used to torment the police officer I found searching my garage in July of 2011.   That officer remembers that; he's the guy helping me deal with the stalking.  I'm so happy he kept my silliness out of the press as I was running for the highest office in the city at the time.

I didn't get arrested for using it as a weapon then, so I doubt I need a permit for that.

So, my Ghetto protection system is in place and I'll terrorize the stalking brat for under $100.

Sigh.....and I used to make $150.00 an hour.

Look what I've been reduced to doing.

I really am laughing.

I want to cry.

I'm laughing.

What I need are lasers.

 If I could come up with just the right kind of laser light show, I could terrorize my superstitious stalker with threats of demonic witchcraft.  That is the only thing that has kept her at bay before.

Menace me?

I'll cast a spell on you!!

Then she hides away in fear.

I think the game isn't working anymore.

It's time to change tactics.

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  Seriously, though...criminals are criminals because they ignore the law.

Introducing numerous expensive and nonsensical laws won't help criminals behave.  They just tend to make honest people into criminals if they choose to protect themselves.

The day they make me get a permit for a tree branch (aka a " magickal wand"), I'm in real trouble!!!

ROTFL!!

Truth or Dare

Today I am thankful that I can actually consider playing a little game of truth or dare.

Do I dare learn the truth? 

The last time I cast a spell to learn the truth about a rude, nasty, condescending politician....

the universe thrust me into the position of running for his seat. 

Then I met a gossip or two. 

I still can't delete what those evil, wicked, liberal women told me!!! 

I am just going to say that they should be the last people on earth questioning a man's morals for alleged sexual experimentation!! 

They're Democrats....for goodness sake!! 

Besides, anyone of a certain age who has been in the Navy...

lived in a time when females were not allowed on boats.

Well....

he's entitled to indulge. 

Everyone is entitled to indulge in consensual love that is in line with their morals and laws of the land.

Who am I to judge? 

I'm not sure he did that anyway. 

I think those little old gossipy ladies had active imaginations

or group sex fantasies. 

I don't know. 

I really don't care

except that this gossipy experience is why I hesitate to cast any spell where secrets are revealed. 

I'd say that the spell was a success. 

I wanted the truth. 

I think I got the truth

and a lot of other information I never wanted. 

(((shudder)))

I spent the morning trying to get to the truth. 

It's like going around and around in circles.

I'm tired of the lies. 

It is exhausting. 

Yes, his sister managed to get into the house. 

Did she break in? 

Did my ex give her a key?

Do I need to move? 

Do I need to change my name and hide? 

My questions are

1.) How is this person able to stalk me and know where I am to harass me?

2.) Why is this person doing these things?

-and-

3.) What do I need to do to keep everyone safe? 

I never get a straight answer. 

The conversations go something like this. 

We need to stop Shannon from stalking us.
Then my ex tells me that I need to finalize the divorce.
Then I'm told that he doesn't want me to do that. 

Then he alludes to killing himself once he moves out.
I suggest letting him keep the house and he refuses. 

Then he tells me that he will be faithful to me.....even after the divorce is final.  I think it is an attempt to make me feel guilty.
When I tell him I'll help him get over his dating jitters....he calls me controlling!!! 

The he alludes to being my boyfriend after the divorce -but- he wants me to see other people.
Uh.....that isn't going to happen.
I can't juggle men.
I'm too stupid to keep them straight.
I'm a one at a time kind of woman. 

These conversations are sooo weird.

It goes on and on into oblivion. 

I feel oblivious. 

Either he's trying to keep my attention by playing games -or- I'm missing something.

I only wasted two hours on the conversation today.  Usually, it takes six or so to get him to settle down. 

I realized that these conversations are causing the adrenaline rush/panic attacks. 

So, I did a little self-hypnosis to get rid of the panic attacks. 

Do you know what happened? 

The anxiety manifested as chronic light and lock checking. 

I kid you not!!! 

I went back and forth four or five times to check the locks and lights at work. 

Holy crap.....I guess that is one way to not be home for an argument that goes nowhere! 

Wow.....

I may just spend $14 on candles and incense. 

Perhaps it is time for a truth spell.
It's cheaper than Xanax.  

If he's serious about offing himself, a shrink would be far more effective than a protection spell. 

I'll push him to get help. 

Damn...this sucks. 

What in the world does this man want? 

I wish I understood. 

The cops say he's playing me to control my time and attention. 

I don't know. 

Isn't life too short to play games like that? 

I wish I understood. 

Love ya,

S. 

Next Day Edit:  I was told a couple of things that I did not know today.

First, Shannon would always accompany my ex on dates prior to his meeting me.

I did not know that.

I do know that there were times I would pick him up for dates and she would jump in my car and refuse to leave.

So, they were always so enmeshed that she accompanied him on dates.

There were times during our dates when she would show up in the venue.

It makes sense now.

It would seem that he never asked her to stop following him.

Secondly, in 2007, my ex and his sister were talking on the telephone and she told him that she was following me on campus and talking to my professors about me because she was unhappy with how her relationship with her brother became strained.

He called his sister because he was in a twelve step program.  She did not call him.

Perhaps the enmeshment goes both ways.

My understanding was that they had no contact between 1999 when she and her mother started lying about me and 2012 when she called here to offer me a phone after we yanked the GPS box off of my car.

In 2007, he began to call me his ex and demanded a divorce.  When I try to separate from him physically, he freaks out.

It looks like we have one set of realities for his family and another for the rest of the world.  He needs his family to believe we are divorced.  He needs the rest of the world to see us as married.

It could be that I am the interloper who crashed their enmeshment party.  That may explain everything.  The stalking could be an attempt to run me off and out of the picture.

It could be that she is stalking me to help him.  She follows me when I'm in public or with males in my profession. Maybe she's trying to catch me doing something wrong.

He stalks me when I'm in school or working.  Perhaps he's trying to keep tabs on me for another reason.

It would seem they talk to each other more often than I believe.  Maybe the cops are right when they say that my sister-in-law is stalking me for my ex.

I don't mind my ex talking to his sister.

If he gave her a key, I would like him to be honest about it.

It's the lying that confuses me.

Things could get embarrassing if I call the cops and have her arrested because I believe that she is breaking in the house.

When I ask him to tell me what he wants and speak from the heart, I never get a straight answer.

If he wants his family in his life, he ought to have that.

I will be incredibly pissed off if I find out that the broken locks, the street theater, and the harassment are just being done to scare me.

I really need a straight answer right now.





Fibromyalgia Attacks

Today I am thankful for fibromyalgia attacks; they help me see when I need to make changes.

 

 

In 1994, I went on a hike in Golden, Colorado.  I was bit by a tick. 

 

 

The next day, I could not move a muscle.  The doctors swore up and down that it was not Lyme disease. 

 

They swore I had an auto-immune disorder. 

 

In 1999, the diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. 

 

I don't believe the doctors. 

 

 

I learned hypnosis when I was a kid.  Hypnosis keeps the pain away. 

 

 

Until now....the pain was bearable. 

 

Now it is so bad that I'm not sleeping. 

 

 

I started taking sleeping pills and Aleve. 

 

I wake up black and blue the next day. 

 

My entire leg will be bruised. 

 

It doesn't make a dent in the pain. 

 

 

 

Today, my ex wanted to pal around with me. 

 

I took him to the grocery store to buy him a soda. 

 

He started to talk about seeing me naked. 

 

That was my fault. 

 

I bought a loose fitting outfit today and shimmied out of my tight clothes in the back of the mini-van. 

 

Maybe he saw a little too much as I switched out my clothes. 

 

He said he saw my breasts and my legs. 

 

He said I was still beautiful.

 

He said he wanted me. 

 

I immediately found that I couldn't walk. 

 

It wasn't sexual arousal.  

 

It was pain. 

 

My legs started to hurt. 

 

My knees throbbed. 

 

My ankles hurt. 

 

Then my shoulders and my arms hurt to move. 

 

My head began to throb.

 

That, at once, I couldn't breathe. 

 

I was having a panic attack. 

 

Then my ex hugged me. 

 

I nearly fainted! 

 

 

 

I caught my breath and we went home. 

 

On the forty-five minute trip home he told me that he loved me. 

 

He said he desired me. 

 

I reminded him that I slept alone for well over seven years. 

 

We haven't acted like a married couple in thirteen years!! 

 

Marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship:

 

I want a partner to share my life and my bed with. 

 

 

 

He said he had to divorce me to stop the stalking. 

 

He walked out on me in 2000 due to lies his mother told him about me. 

 

She said I threatened her. 

 

He left me. 

 

He's done this numerous times since. 

 

 

 

The stalking has nothing to do with the reason we don't sleep together. 

 

His inability to communicate with me or trust me or whatever it is that causes him to put his loyalty to me beneath his mother is why we don't have a marriage. 

 

I started to cry. 

 

I want a partner. 

 

A friend that I love dearly offered me everything I wanted and I turned him down. 

 

I'm still paying for that. 

 

I can barely walk. 

 

 

I took more Aleve. 

 

I will be black and blue tomorrow. 

 

I do fear someone blaming my ex for my bruises. 

 

He isn't hitting me. 

 

It's the medication. 

 

It causes anemia. 

 

 

I'll try to sleep tonight. 

 

I'm in a lot of physical and mental pain. 

 

 

I don't want the house.  I don't want to be a single parent.  I don't want the life that is being thrust upon me. 

 

 

I can't get my ex to listen. 

 

He says that he has to divorce me to stop the stalking. 

 

He says that he has to give me everything to stop the stalking.

 

That makes no sense. 

 

If his sister is stalking me, how does asking me to live in this house keep me safe? 

 

It would make more sense for him to live here. 

 

He continues to say that she's breaking into the house without his help. 

 

I can't fathom how she knows when he is not home. 

 

I can't fathom how she knows when I am not home. 

 

Our schedules are not static. 

 

He has to be telling her what we are doing. 

 

There is no other way. 

 

 

I don't understand how he can lie to me about the stalking with a straight face. 

 

His story doesn't mesh. 

 

When I tell him that I need to move out to feel safe, he starts to panic. 

 

So, I'll probably end up staying until Aug. 26th (the day of our divorce hearing).  

 

The magistrate has already threatened to throw out the divorce due to our lack of submitting the paperwork.  I don't know how to come to an agreement when I can't get him to communicate with me. 

 

I can't do this much longer. 

 

Maybe if I go out and screw someone.....maybe then I'll be soiled and he'll let me go?

 

I don't know. 

 

I don't think I could bring myself to do that. 

 

 

 

I'm too tired to discuss it now. 

 

I'll cry myself to sleep and wonder how I let things go so far. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S.  



Love and Friendship

 

Today I am thankful for love and friendship. 

I am confused...but thankful.

I have a friend, who I'm pretty sure has become my best friend.

I love my friend. 

The way he smiles at me when he thinks that I am not looking gives away the fact that he knows. 

I think he's known all along. 

It's been more than two and a half years since I saw him glowing in a coffee shop one Thursday afternoon. 

He looked up.  He smiled.  He brightened up the room. 

I can only describe it as glowing. 

No, we are not near a nuclear power plant. 

Two years ago, he gave a speech and the way he looked at me made another friend of mine ask if we were 'an item.'

No.  We're just friends. 

I have stuff I need to take care of before inviting anyone into my life in that manner.

*****

The past two years have been depressing and scary. 

The stalking has picked up. 

My money went missing. 

My business had to be put on hiatus.

I gained thirty pounds. 

Gasp!!!

My friend treats me like I'm a human being....still. 

Since he told me he loved me and expressed concern over my well-being;

I've spoken to the police and put together a plan to stop the stalking.

I restarted my business.

I got a better office at half the cost of the old one.

I lost twenty pounds. 

I feel alive.

One of our mutual lawyer friends is helping me get through the divorce. 

When the stalking picks up, I'll consider caving into my ex and ending the divorce.  Our lawyer friend will talk me out of giving up.

It seems like the more I talk to my friend, the more things change in my life. 

I hope good things are happening for him, too. 

He'll tell me about his educational and career advancements. 

He's pretty sharp, so those things are bound to happen for him.

I try to encourage him to be more of who he truly is but I doubt my words or encouragement has any impact.  

He expresses a wish to do something. 

Then he does it. 

That's the way life ought to be. 

He accepts me for who I am and that, on some basic level, is incredibly liberating.

It helps me feel beautiful. 

*****

 

On Wednesday, my ex sat in court telling me that we had to divorce. 

 

It was inevitable.

 

It had to happen, the sooner the better.

 

I believed him. 

 

The magistrate believed him.

 

We have 29 days to come to an agreement and get the documents signed, notarized, sealed, and delivered.

 

Then it is over. 

 

This twenty-two year nightmare will finally be over

 

-or- so I thought. 

 

Today....my ex called to ask me if I knew he loved me. 

 

My answer was 'no.'

 

I don't believe that he loves me. 

 

Then it got weird...... 

 

He wants to put an end to the stalking. 

 

He wants to stay married. 

 

Then he promised to take the kids to a movie and asked me to come along. 

 

I feel guilty about it

 

-but-

 

I stayed home. 

 

I'm not sleeping well at night. 

 

I'm exhausted and unable to breathe. 

 

I'm off to bed to get some sleep.

 

Revolting Narc Revelations

 

Today I am thankful for revolting narcissist revelations.

They tell me what they are up to doing. 

First, I'll start by saying that there was nothing to the letter from the elder law lawyer. 

It was a ruse. 

There was a will on file with the courthouse and it said what it was supposed to say;  "all property shall go to the surviving spouse."  Why my ex received a letter from a lawyer asking him to call pertaining to the will is beyond me.

This is funny to me because I do volunteer work for senior citizen advocacy groups and know a lot of lawyers.  Today I had to turn down a shot at volunteering for a senior law convention.  That's how I get my education, I volunteer and get paid admission to the classes in exchange for my work. 

Maybe I should go so I could have a nice little chat with the lawyer who sent the letter. 

I think it was a fishing expedition because the lawyer is known for her work getting visitation for grandparents.  My in-laws don't have a prayer of winning any kind of visitation of my kids.  Their only shot is to play nice with their son and stop stalking me. 

Always trust your gut. 

I told this to my ex. 

I asked him what he wanted and reminded him to always trust his gut. 

And he said....

get this...

"I saw a bug in a lamp in your bedroom."

"Pardon?" I asked.

"I saw a bug on a light."

"An insect?"

"No."  he said.  His head was down, his eyes were looking at the floor. 

Upon further prompting, he indicated that he saw a listening device in the light overlooking my bed  in a dream he had the other day. 

I don't believe him. 

I'm about to rip apart my lamps. 

I hear beeping every day at 3:15 (both afternoon and early morning). 

I will be pissed if he's getting the sights and sounds of my prudishness on cameras on microphones. 

I did laugh at him. 

I asked him why anyone who knew me would bother bugging my bedroom because I won't screw in a bed.  All of the lights in the bedroom surround the bed. 

He continued to look at the floor.

He, of all people, should know better than that!!! 

Oooooh.....

I don't know where he would bug me to catch me cheating. 

My car? 

No...

My clothes? 

No....they'd disappear. 

Maybe my high heel shoes.....I like to wear those.   I own so many shoes that bugging them could become quite expensive. 

The bigger question would be when to bug me. 

I don't have a partner. 

I haven't seen a penis in seven years! 

Well, that's not true.  I saw one two years ago with a glow in the dark pumping sex toy affixed to it. 

I didn't linger. 

I think I'm going to be sick. 

I hope and pray no one has spy cameras in the basement.  No one needs the memory of that glowy yellow pumping sex today hanging off a 6'2", 500lb man.

No one....

If he hadn't hurt me, I may have taken pity on him and had a lollipop. 

Never mind....if he were nice....I'd still be his. 

*****

And, because this blog has become a stalking log of sorts, I did have a crazy thing happen today. 

It was before I had my caffeine, so it could have been my imagination. 

I volunteer at a high rise in downtown every Thursday.  They pay my parking in a fancy garage and my bosses are marketing experts.  I learn a lot from them.  I get the better end of the deal. 

I try to arrive ten minutes early.   

I was assaulted in this neighborhood when I was 17 years old.  The assailant was someone I knew, so it wasn't random.  Still, I am very protective of myself in the area.  I make sure the windows are rolled up.  I lock my car.  I park near an exit.  I always check the backseat when I get in my car.  I carry pepper spray. 

I probably should do these things anyway but, for some reason, I am more vigilant when I am in this particular area. 

When my four hours were up, I walked back to my car and noticed that my car was unlocked.  The windows were rolled down.  The lights in the cab were on. 

My garage door opener was still in it.  My car insurance information was still there.  My hats and shoes were still in the car.  One huge silver bracelet went missing.  A witchy friend sent it to me.  Allegedly it has 500 protection spells on it. 

Well....there obviously wasn't a spell on it to protect it from theft. 

I never told my ex where and when I volunteer.  Unless someone put a GPS device on my car, they would never know. 

I'm a little creeped out.  Maybe I rolled down the window and turned on the lights and unlocked the car.  I don't know. 

If it happens again, I'll call the cops -or- sell my car and get a new one. 



*****

Maybe my ex is messing with me so I give him my vehicle, the house, and custody of the kids. 

 

I'm nearly there. 

 

I mean, if I end up staying in this house like the separation agreement states.....whoever bugged my bedroom may get an earful of lustful sounds emanating from the walk in closet when I find occasion to bring a hottie home. 

 

****

 

I'm a bass player. 

 

One of the things I've heard since I was little was that bass players can't sing. 

 

That's not true.  I know several who are incredible singers. 

Then there are famous bass players who sing well; Paul McCartney, Getty Lee, and Sting (just to name a few).

 

I just can't sing.  That's probably because it is what I heard since I was little girl and my subconscious mind believes that bass players can't sing.  My mom wanted me to become a singer, so I probably use this as an excuse to continue to rebel.  It doesn't matter.  I don't make much money from music, so who cares? 

My harassers might. 

 

Should I ruin the ears of my harassers? 

 

Should I sing and make them rue the day they bugged my bedroom? 

I also have three saxophones with old pads. 

I have untreated asthma.

Ooooh....that C-melody could kill any one's taste for music!!!  I could play something from Glenn Miller flawlessly and it would still sound like a sick person blowing her nose! 

Maybe I'll do that! 

 

*****

 

Why would they bug my bedroom? 

 

I know....I know....they think I'm a witch with hundreds of Djinn.  

 

Yeah....that's gotta be it. 

 

They want the names of the Djinn, so they can control them. 

 

Okay....

sure thing.....let me give you some of the most important names you'll ever see in print.

 

We have John, Paul, George, Pete, Stuart...oh...and Ringo.  

 

We can't forget Ringo!!! 

 

Yeah...yeah...yeah....

 

I'm being honest, huh? 

 

Kinda...

 

not really. 

 

*****

 

This is insanity. 

 

If my ex wants the house, wouldn't it be much easier just to tell me?

 

If they keep spying on me, they are not going to like what they see.   

 

I'm not going to spend a decade alone!! 

I'm just going to get uglier as I age.

It's not going to be pretty to watch! 

Oooh....yeah at my age....men that want me... have to love me.  Unless they are blind -  but even then....man....my skin isn't as smooth as it once was. 

No one....and I mean no one...wants to see me naked...unless he or she is stupid. 

If my ex goes blind, I'll know he put a spy camera in my bedroom!!

If he goes deaf, it was a listening device.

Yeppers, that's how I'll know!!

Geez!!!

 

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  That's how you know the craziness has gone to far....it's the day I'm cracking jokes about being celibate, owning djinn, and not taking care of my antique saxophones. 

It IS insanity! 

 

 

 

 

 

 





 



 



Borderline Drama

 

Today I am thankful for Borderline Drama. 

Okay...not really.  I think I'm thankful I can recognize it. 

Borderline people are always narcissists. 

These are the narcissists that are terrified to be alone. 

They'll say and do just about anything to keep you hooked in what I call their 'crap bucket.'

Oops...Fruedian Slip. 

I mean 'crab bucket.'

This is funny. 

This is hillariously funny. 

Mr. Borderline wants to live here until the divorce is final. 

He's got another place two hours away but he won't move. 

Okay....

whatever....

the divorce is going to be my birthday present. 

Woo hoo!! 

His sister was trying to break into the house. 

We put up numerous video cameras. 

The break ins have stopped. 

Now, they're rushing to play legal games. 

My borderline NPD diagnosed ex got a letter from a lawyer today.

His borderline mommy is trying to hook him in the crap/crab bucket with promises of an inheritance.

 

Okay...whatever...sure thing lady. 

She hired an elder law lawyer to send a letter promising my ex a piece of his father's estate.   His father died over six months ago. 

His father had nothing. 

His father disowned him. 

Come on....

I know enough lawyers and shrinks who'll figure out what is going on without my ex needing to take the bait. 

Should we help him?

Oh my....

His crabby mother is trying to hook my crabby ex so he goes back home. 

I see it coming.....don't you? 

This was the woman that called over on here on Valentine's Day begging her 'little man' to come home and live with the old lady. 

Can anyone say 'creepy?' 

(((shudder)))

It's also an attempt for his mother to get something she's never going to get....ever....not without extensive therapy. 

I did a search on this lawyer. 

If she were an estate lawyer, I wouldn't care. 

She's a grandparent's rights lawyer.

She's on a fishing expedition. 

All it will take is one visit with a counselor and one play of those answering machine messages in front of a judge and those kids will never see their grandma. 

I don't know if the videotape of Auntie Shannon trying to break in will sway the court. 

I can't wait for the drama to end. 

It's stupid....it's nerve wracking....but stupid none-the-less.


It's nothing a little valerian can't fix.

Love ya,

S. 

Pagan Humor

Today I am thankful for Pagan humor; it's enough to scare the Christian boys away. 

 

 

 

Yes, I do have an altar set up to Dionysus.  As a former artist hoping to get her groove back, I want to give him his props. 

 

He's one of my favorite Greek Dieties. 

 

Just don't ask him for passion, unless you can handle it in large doses. 

 

He'll help you find it. 

 

Yeah...

if you wish for passion,

you'll get three of them....

all built like something out of a porn movie.

 

When they are done messing with you at the same time, they'll leave you to bleed out on the side of the road. 

 

I don't have the guts. 

 

I did ask once. 

 

He brought me two of them. 

 

At the same time. 

 

Actually, now that I think about it....he brought me three (the third one wanted me alone). 

 

They all resembled the one man I fantasized about during my meditation to Dionysus. 

 

This was during the phase where my crush shut me out of his life and hid. 

I never thought I'd see him again.

 

Yeah......

They all had the same hot bald heads.

Two were Leos, one was a Cancer. 

Two had blue eyes, one had brown eyes.

Two were Libertarian, one was a Democrat in Denial. 

Two were ten years older than my crush, one was five years older.

Two were shrinks, the other a published author in the psych/self-help industry. 

 

They were all taller than my crush. 

My crush is fun size...

like I am!!! 

I won't have to wear huge 5" platform heels to kiss him...

if he ever lets me!!! 

 

The simple, basic truth of the matter is that these men were NOT my crush.  

 

Uh....no....

 

Worse, one went to church with my relatives. 

 

Nope....never...nada...

 

not going there. 

 

ever....

 

I'd rather be alone...

 

chilling in my cold showers...

with my whine. 

 

Today.....

 

UGH!!!!

 

I realized that some men get off on arguing about their sisters stalking their exes. 

 

I really, really, think that is the case. . 

 

My ex in the basement, who for whatever reason, wants to talk about pie and my oral fixation.

 

I baked him a chocolate cake even though it was 97 degrees today.

No Pie for him!

 

How in the world do I end the relationship? 

It's morphed into this bizarre hatred where he shares the house and his perverted fantasy life....[censored]. 

Maybe he is telling me this stomach turning crap to help my diet!  Who knows?  I don't. 

 

How can you get intimate with someone who tells his baby sister to stand in as his proxy? 
 

I didn't know that he had her decide what he wanted for our wedding (that I paid for).  She decided what his favorite song was.  How bizarre is that?

I certainly didn't know that he asked her to fill in for him when it came to big marital decisions that he didn't tell me about. 

I recently realized that she was stalking me for him!

 

So, he and his sister are so enmeshed, she makes decisions for him!

 

Seriously? 

 

If I have sex with him, do I have to have sex with her? 

 

Damn....she once called to tell me that I married her!! 

I think I understand why now!!! 

Ewwww

 

I recently learned that she had all my passwords! 

She had our garage key codes. 

She had keys to our other houses; he won't admit to giving her a key to this one. 

 

I'm really scared. 

 

This is why I'm freaking out and wanting to leave. 

 

Divorce doesn't end things, does it? 
I'm gonna have to move out of state, huh? 

 

I don't know how to even think about having ex with the ex. 
There is supposed to be an 's'  in that sentence; I can't even get myself to type 'sex' with the 'ex' without a Freudian slip to verify that he is my ex with no sex. 

Wow...just....wow....

 

The last time I saw his package, it had some glow in the dark device attached to it. 

 

I made the mistake of going into the basement to fold the laundry after midnight. 

 

That was over a year or two ago. 

 

Sigh....

 

Boys will be boys. 

What does a guy do with a tube that has a pump attachment? 

Nevermind....I do NOT want to know. 

That glowing thing is probably my replacement. 

It is NONE of my business. 

Nope...nada...no..going...there....
 

(((shudder)))

 

Two days to go until court. 

 

I'll let ya know!

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Crazy Gyno

Today I am thankful for my crazy gynecologist. 

Okay, not really.

I lost my insurance, so I'll probably never see her again.

I made an appointment a few weeks before filing for a divorce to check out a lump I found in my left breast.
It is gone now.

During the appointment, we did a sexual history questionnaire.

I told her I'd been celibate for 6+ years (7 now).

I've had only one partner in over twenty years!

I guess she didn't believe me.

I got a letter from the lab today.

Yeah...I'm completely STD free.

She must have tested me for all sorts of itchy scratchy thingies because the insurance paid for it.

Nice....

I could have told her that.

So, I guess I didn't get anything from the toilet seat in the past few years.

Well...the joke is on her.

I'm not completely STD free.

It's in my monogram.

My initials are STD.

Seriously....why do all sorts of STD tests for a prude?

Huh?

Wow....

Should I save the letter?  Do I need to frame it?  Is it like a diploma or something?

How bizarre is that?  I've never received a piece of parchment for passing a physical before.

Life IS weird.

Love ya,

S.

On Leaving and Recognizing Craziness

Today I am thankful that I'm learning to recognize craziness.  

I'm trying to get all the documentation to the courthouse.  

The printer is not working, so my ex's legal stuff isn't printing out.  

Mine did.  

That's weird. 

So....we haven't struck the parenting agreement.  

I'm trying to talk him into 50/50 custody.  

He doesn't want any part of it.  

I'm trying to talk him into keeping the house because I can't afford it.  

Nope, he says that I need the house.  

Why?  

He wants to keep me safe.  

His sister has been known to try to break into this house for reasons unknown to me.  She's been caught on camera and I don't quite understand why she's doing this.  

The cops say my ex is putting his sister up to it.  

I don't know.  

He claims that by playing martyr, not seeing his kids, while giving me the house and all of its contents will somehow keep the kids and I safe from his sister.  

Uh....okay.  

I wish I could understand his rationale.  

Sigh....

He's as much of a stalker as she is.  

Here's the deal.  

If his sister so much as comes around here again, I'm taking the video tape and the answering machine tapes to the courthouse and get myself and the children a permanent restraining order.   Once that is in place, my mother-in-law will be legally barred from seeing her grandchildren for a minimum of two years!!!  

Shannon had best not come here again!  

If I get that restraining order, Shannon would never pass another background check for a job again.  

She knows it!  

I'm trying to finalize the agreement.  

Did he want partial custody now?  

No, he said.  

Why?  

Well, he has a personality disorder, so he can't be near the kids.  

It seems more like a midlife crisis to me.  

There are character disorders that occur during times of stress.  The shrink said he had narcissistic personality disorder.  I don't know.  He quit therapy when he got the diagnosis.  

I do know that for some people, character disorders can be transitory.  He became strange when his mother started harassing me and his sister started stalking me.  For over thirteen years, he's been acting like a narcissist.  Maybe if he goes home to his mother, it'll stop.  

I don't know.  He needs to get his butt back into therapy and work it out.  

That doesn't mean he can't see his kids!  

What the heck is going on?  

Maybe I get the opposite of what he thinks I want.  

Okay.....Hmmmm.....that's a dangerous thing to know.  I don't want the nice sports car with the new engine, I don't want all the money, and I don't want the house.  

Actually, I'm not kidding.  I don't want everything.  I like sleeping.  

I guess I get to be a single parent with a MIA ex.  

So, here's to single parenthood.  

If he doesn't print off those forms and file them with the court before Wednesday, I won't be divorced anytime soon.  

Yeah.....I'm not happy.  

It's now been 7 years since I've been held by a man.  

Ugh....

I'm in love with my best friend and it's killing me that I can't touch him.  

So, this dragging the divorce out is hurting me.  

It wasn't bad until he told me he loved me.  When I thought it was unrequited, I could sleep at night.  Now, if I am lucky enough to sleep, I dream of HIM! 

This is weird.  

I always fall in love with the men who have scruples; it makes it hard not to grin when am thinking like a cat in heat.  

He reads me too well because he grins back!!!  

It won't be so bad, if he finds someone else because at least I'd know that it would be impossible.  

I don't want anybody else.  

Yeah..... 

I had a guy call me sexy and desirable today.  

I don't believe him.  

He's upset with me because it's obvious I don't believe him.  

It's not that I don't believe him, I think my sadness is because he is NOT the man I want to hear it from.  

I'm having trouble seeing any one ever being interested in me.  

It's hard to believe anyone would want you when your ex is making up crap about his baby sister stalking you so he can get away.  

I must suck on some level.  

If I suck, why would I let my best friend near me? 

I may take my friend's advice and take relationship communication classes.  Maybe that'll break whatever it is that is keeping me from even trying.  

I should've known he loved me when he asked me to take communication classes with him.  Damn....that was over a year ago.  I am so flippin' slow.  

I'm off to cry again. 

 I can't handle the pain.  

Love ya, 

S.