Walking Bass Lines

 

Today I am thankful for walking bass lines. 

 

They help me think when I'm trying to understand a major mind-fluck. 

 

 



 When I am an emotional mess, I have a favorite soundtrack that I listen to over....and over....and over....

 

It is the Ruthless People Soundtrack that I bought shortly after Thomas and I broke up back in '87. 

 

Yep.....

 

This song is one of my favorites. 

 

People are being weird. 

 

I don't know why. 

 

I should know that psychologists cannot get into the minds of people with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Why in the heck should I even try? 

 

I need to run.......

 

Today, I wanted to try for a job. 

 

The car issue hasn't been resolved.  I don't want my ex to take it.  I let him raid the retirement accounts to fix his car but it's been nearly a month and his car isn't finished yet. 

 

He doesn't want me to work. 

 

Okay......that coupled with the stalking, the broken locks, the calls complaining to the local government about tree branches on the back deck, I give up. 

 

So....when he came home. 

 

I told him that I called my divorce attorney to ask how to call off the divorce.   

 

I don't want him to pay alimony.  I need to work and my ex and his family are throwing every kink into my world.  They are being pesky.  I need it to stop before I get a job. 

 

I told him that I was in the process of calling off the divorce  -but- he will never have sex with me ever. 

 

I'll share my food for him.   I'll do his laundry.  I'll clean up after him.

 

I will never be his lover.  

 

Never.....

 

I think it sunk in a little. 

 

He said that he was doing these things to keep me married to him. 

 

Yep, any fool can see that. 

 

He said that he knows that my heart belongs  to someone else and he wants me to go with him.  

 

Alrighty then.....I guess we need to submit our documents to the court and talk about dividing what little we have left. 

 

I don't know if I trust him....

 

I really don't know if I am decent enough for any relationship...

 

First, my head isn't quite screwed on enough to know what the heck my heart wants. 

 

I don't trust me right now. 

 

When I met Steve, I trusted myself.   That was over two and a half years ago! 

I had no idea that it had been more than two years since I fell in love with him!!  Two years is a heck of a long time to wait for someone. 

Wow....time flies when you're sexually frustrated. 

I still don't trust myself....really...I don't. 

 

Last year after discovering that I'd been ripped off to the tune of $47,000 and had my credit ruined, I don't trust anything I know. 

 

The stalking isn't helping either. 

 

I need it to stop. 

 

Do I need to pack up and move far away? 

 

I don't know of any other way to do this. 

 

So....what do I do? 

 

Stand on it? 

 

I guess I can push down on the accelerator.  

 

I could go the other route and honor my ex's wishes and make him margarine laden Frankenfood  that'll put him in an early grave  

 

He says he'll move out the day I get a job. 

 

I guess I can put up a website and start selling my art. 

 

That's a job. 

 

Ooooh.......

 

I hear the local cable company is hiring.  I have friends who work there.  One of whom had a crush on Thomas since high school.  I tried to get him interested in her a couple of years ago but he never heard me when I mentioned her. 

 

She reminded me of him today.  She remarked on a post that was made which referenced him back in 2010. 

 

Hmmmmmm.....that's weird. 

 

The post had a series of questions on it.  I had posted one to her and one to him so that they could get to know each other better.  Thomas never responded. 

 

I answered to get the ball rolling.  I wrote about my favorite food, my favorite things to do, my favorite music and that I avoided beef but liked steak. 

Oh...I know why Steve knows I like Thai food, ToFU (the noun and the verb), and have a dirty mind. 

He must've seen that. 

 

Interesting....

I guess that man does his research.  His outings are usually very well planned. 

Still....I don't want to hurt anyone. 

I've got to do something and get out of this mess. 

 

I know it is rude but I am a scheming woman. 

 

I'm going out with my friend tomorrow night to a lecture.  On Thursday, I spend the day with him at a rally. 

 

He's ethical and he will not touch me until the ink is dry on that divorce decree.  I don't think he'll let himself be spotted alone with me until that day. 

He hasn't so much as shaken my hand in all these years. 

What a sweetie!! 

That doesn't mean that I can't shake things up a little. 

 

I wonder what would happen if I rented a hotel by myself and stayed the night with my Peavey T-40? 

 

It's a funny story why the bass will have to go with me. 

 

When I was a teenager, I left home because my uncle's girlfriend was getting pretty abusive. 

 

They knew I was gone for good because the Peavey T-40 was gone. My dad gave me the guitar for my 16th birthday.  My dad died a year after he gave it to me.  That bass goes everywhere I go. 

 

Another ex ruined it in a fit of rage.  I bought a newer one and had it fitted with the vintage hardware. 

It's NOT the same. 

 

There have been times, my ex will call members of my family to ask if I've left him for good. 

 

They ask if the vintage bass is still there.  Yes, means I'm coming back.  No, means he'll never see me again.   

 

Isn't that cute? 

 

Yes, it has to be the Peavey.  That trick doesn't work with the saxophones, the recording equipment, the Steinberger or any other instrument.  If the old bass is gone, so is Siegfred. 

 

 

 

I guess I'll see how everything goes down tomorrow. 

I don't know if I can allow my bass to sit outside in a rusty old tin can of a car in 90 degree heat.  Honestly.....I baby that thing. 

I'm hoping my ex will not freak out too much.  He knows I won't be here but it'll be my first holiday away from my ex in 22 years....

unless he stalks me.  Then, I guess, we'll be together but I just won't know it.   

 

Love ya,

 

S.