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The Power of Love

 
Today I am thankful for the power of love.

So, I've been holding myself below a covert narcissist who is hell bent on keeping his vindictive narcissist sister happy. 

I drive a dangerous and ugly car, so no one makes mention of my having a nice car.

I wear clothes that I buy in bulk at thrift shop outlet stores so no one bitches that I spent more than $2.00 on an outfit. 

I gave up a lucrative career due to stalking.  I made $150 an hour.

Why? 

So people wouldn't harass me. 

I can't do that anymore. 

I really can't. 

If I just let that divorce go through, I can buy a new car without fear of someone messing around with it. 

If I just let that divorce go through, I can get a job without worrying about whether or not the cops will arrest my ex. 

They will. 

What made me change my mind?

It was my fear that the car would break down and my friend would get hurt in a crash. 

I love him too much for that. 

I'll do what I need to do to keep everyone safe. 

*****

I have a little cognitive dissonance today.

I told a teeny, tiny fib .

I'll probably never fess up to it. 

I am trying to leave a world where everything is a lie.  If I tell the truth, it turns into a lie.  It's easier to lie than to say the truth. 

Actually, it is easier to stay silent than it is to tell any truth. 

If I run into another ex near my latest ex and dare tell him I dated, I get abused. 

So, I have learned that it is easier to ignore someone and pretend not to know them. 

I need to stop doing that. 

Today is the last day I lie like that. 

*****

We went to a political thingy. 

I said that there was one person there I recognized but didn't know where I met him. 

That was a lie. 

His name is Jim. 

Jim tried to date me over a year ago.  He spent an entire political event with me to the point where another man went to buy me a beer and Jim told him to back off. 

I guess we were an item? 

I don't know. 

Jim stared at me today. 

That made me realize how much I liked spending time with my friend.  I don't try to run off and hide from him like I do with Jim. 

I was rude. 

I turned my back on Jim. 

I'm not ready to date, so I guess I have some time to figure out how to address men that flopped. 

I realize that I need to be me.

 I can't be a walking mass of anxiety. 

I've got to get the crap under control. 

I'll step on it. 
 
*****

I miss living in a clean home.  I miss driving a clean car that runs.  I miss having $11,000 in my checking account. 

I miss being alive. 

I miss holding someone. 

I need to fix myself so that I can do that without damaging anyone I love. 

Yes...I have decided to do massive therapy after I go completely no contact. 

I can't harm anyone that I love. 

I can't. 

This is what I learn when my friend looks at me with love. 

I am incredibly thankful for him. 

Love ya,

S. 

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