Skip to main content

The Power of Love

 
Today I am thankful for the power of love.

So, I've been holding myself below a covert narcissist who is hell bent on keeping his vindictive narcissist sister happy. 

I drive a dangerous and ugly car, so no one makes mention of my having a nice car.

I wear clothes that I buy in bulk at thrift shop outlet stores so no one bitches that I spent more than $2.00 on an outfit. 

I gave up a lucrative career due to stalking.  I made $150 an hour.

Why? 

So people wouldn't harass me. 

I can't do that anymore. 

I really can't. 

If I just let that divorce go through, I can buy a new car without fear of someone messing around with it. 

If I just let that divorce go through, I can get a job without worrying about whether or not the cops will arrest my ex. 

They will. 

What made me change my mind?

It was my fear that the car would break down and my friend would get hurt in a crash. 

I love him too much for that. 

I'll do what I need to do to keep everyone safe. 

*****

I have a little cognitive dissonance today.

I told a teeny, tiny fib .

I'll probably never fess up to it. 

I am trying to leave a world where everything is a lie.  If I tell the truth, it turns into a lie.  It's easier to lie than to say the truth. 

Actually, it is easier to stay silent than it is to tell any truth. 

If I run into another ex near my latest ex and dare tell him I dated, I get abused. 

So, I have learned that it is easier to ignore someone and pretend not to know them. 

I need to stop doing that. 

Today is the last day I lie like that. 

*****

We went to a political thingy. 

I said that there was one person there I recognized but didn't know where I met him. 

That was a lie. 

His name is Jim. 

Jim tried to date me over a year ago.  He spent an entire political event with me to the point where another man went to buy me a beer and Jim told him to back off. 

I guess we were an item? 

I don't know. 

Jim stared at me today. 

That made me realize how much I liked spending time with my friend.  I don't try to run off and hide from him like I do with Jim. 

I was rude. 

I turned my back on Jim. 

I'm not ready to date, so I guess I have some time to figure out how to address men that flopped. 

I realize that I need to be me.

 I can't be a walking mass of anxiety. 

I've got to get the crap under control. 

I'll step on it. 
 
*****

I miss living in a clean home.  I miss driving a clean car that runs.  I miss having $11,000 in my checking account. 

I miss being alive. 

I miss holding someone. 

I need to fix myself so that I can do that without damaging anyone I love. 

Yes...I have decided to do massive therapy after I go completely no contact. 

I can't harm anyone that I love. 

I can't. 

This is what I learn when my friend looks at me with love. 

I am incredibly thankful for him. 

Love ya,

S. 

Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....
Read more

Venus Meditations

  Today I am thankful for my new realization.  In my world, Friday is the day of love (reminds of The Cure - lol).  It's true.  Friday is the day of Venus.  Exhausted as I was after work, I went to my altar and lit a candle asking that my friend find whatever his life is lacking. Then I went upstairs and did my Friday night ritual to Aphrodite.  I lit a candle asking that I gain confidence in my ability to love.  I also ask that I recognize true love.  I was too exhausted to linger so I tried to fall asleep.  Have you been too tired to sleep?  It's horrible.  Your mind goes round and round -  you might recall things that happened recently (like the doctor telling me to be careful because I haven't hit menopause yet and I say, "not worried about it" while thinking that it's a good time to be in a sexual drought - hooray for me),  or things going on at work  (that I can hypnotize little cranky babies to sleep without sa...
Read more

My Competition

Only our best friends and greatest teachers will have the courage to say those uncomfortable things to help us get out of the mud and back on our paths.   Today I am thankful for my competition. I love being a hypnotist because I have the most wonderful colleagues in the world. I bought a refresher Stop Smoking Hypnosis Course from another hypnotist trainer.  I bought it because I'm too lazy to create my own business forms.  It comes with the forms.  Usually, I can't read anything this man writes without learning something new.  I figured that I couldn't go wrong investing in his products.  I received the package yesterday.  It was supposed to contain four CDs. I received five.  Do you want to guess what the fifth one was?  It was a hypnosis session entitled "Overcome Your Lost Love." I'm a little bit tickled at that discovery. This is perfect!!! I love this guy's voice.   This is the mo...
Read more