My New Personal Mantra

Today I am thankful for sheriff officers who break the law and the supervisors who cover it up.

Oh, and I'm thankful for video footage, too.

Two weeks ago someone I know shared a video of sheriff officers breaking the law . She asked the officers for their names.  They refused, on camera.

In Colorado, a peace officer is supposed to give you his business card when asked.

One of them was very nasty in his refusal.

I saw the video.

I was angry.

*****
Part of what they did was utilize several handicap parking spots for their personal vehicles.  They refused to move them.

They blocked access to the disabled parking at a county owned public facility!

I saw the video and became angry when I saw the cop refuse to give his name.

It took me a few minutes to realize the source of my anger.

It goes well beyond people who are sworn to uphold the law actually breaking it.

That's always been a pet peeve of mine.

******


I have a crush.

This man has the most beautiful voice in the world.  He was my favorite disc jockey for several years and then he mysteriously vanished off of the airwaves.

He had accident that forced him to give up the work he loved and sell insurance.

I had a stalker that forced me to give up the work I loved and sell insurance.

We sat next to each other for about a year before I promoted.

His degree is in music performance.  I gave up my bachelor's program in music education to study psychology.

He lives in my town.  He told me he admired the way I took the bull by the horns when the government upset me.

I don't think I anticipated anyone to think it was "hot" to argue with government officials.

But this guy seemed to get a kick out of it.  He liked how discussing local politics makes my face light up.

He used to hide chocolates on my desk.  They weren't just any chocolates.  They were expensive chocolates.

When this line came out with crazy flavors, I'd hide them on his desk.

I don't think he appreciated that too much.

He is a gentleman.

I adore him.

My dear friend (that's we call each other) is in a wheelchair due to the accident mentioned above.  He wrote about it: I buy copies of his book and distribute them to my clients.

We were laid off from our jobs in February of 2017.

We keep in touch

but

we can't get too close because of our religions.  He's a legalistic Christian.  I'm a Hellenic Pagan with two pan sexual adult children.

It wouldn't work.  I used to think about asking him out if the ex drama would stop.  Then, I realized that my kids would be an issue.

He is amazing.

Every few months, we and some other former colleagues rent out a huge room in a fancy restaurant and party.

This guy is the person I want to see the most.

The last party I attended broke my heart.  We sat for hours waiting for our friend.  He has a way of brightening up the room.

We love him.....I mean, we love, love, LOVE him!

Several of us texted him.  After two hours with no response, we began receiving messages.

The handicap parking was taken by people without placards.  The staff wouldn't help him.

He went home.

That upset me.

If he had texted while he was at outside of the restaurant, I would have solved the problem by calling the Sheriff's office.

Maybe he didn't tell me because I have a way of inadvertently creating a scene.

******

Imagine how angry I became watching that video of sheriff officers refusing to move their vehicles out of handicap loading parking spots.

I thought about sharing it online but I didn't want to upset my dear friend.

I decided to write to the county.

They did what governments do best......they ignored me!

I've played that game before. 

So now, I'm tasked with reaching out to local activist groups and maybe the media.  I'm having trouble finding the time to write the emails, make the calls and send links to the video.

Ugh!!!

My friend who posted the video is meaner and far more well spoken than I am. She is a force to be reckoned with.

Her style is tough and brash.  It's the kind of style that gets attention.

I'm a social activist.  I love people.  I respect all people.  I try to understand them and find common ground.  I think I inadvertently mediate between differing groups.

I've been described as "gentle" and "feminine."

Gentle doesn't equate to being a doormat.

I thought about my friend and her in your face ways.  When that cop refused to move his car, she ran home, grabbed a video camera and started a Facebook livestream.

She's in your face....NOW.

I thought about the way I do things. I'm very different.

I'm slow.  I'm methodical.  Sometimes I tend to take things too far; like being a founding member of  a Political Action Committee to take the funding away from government lawbreakers, running for an corrupt politician's seat, pushing a re-call election for an Constitution-breaking lawmaker.

I gave the Sheriff's office over a week to respond to me - it was actually two weeks!

They didn't.

So I'm reaching out to disability rights organizations, one of whom is suing this department for ADA violations*.

Now I have to play the role I play best;

wanna-be social psychologist turned activist.

That's when I came up with my new mantra.

It is:

Walk softly and carry big, bling encrusted stick! 

Those rhinestones can hurt if you get swatted with them! 

Anger doesn't give one an excuse to behave as an uncivilized oaf.

One can be tough and adversarial while being kind. When you are in the right, you can act with kindness.  There is no need to shout and yell when you know you're right.  

When the time comes, I know what kind of cane I'm going to buy!

I think it would be awesome to get a cane like this with a sword hidden inside.

It would be even better to have a white sword cane, with three dimensional pink roses and sharp thorns spiraling up the cane.

That would totally be my style.

What do you think?

Yeah.....I'm thinking that it's probably a good thing that I rarely get days off now.

This is the sad stuff I do on my days off.

If one person doesn't have to turn away from the court house because the cops hog all of the handicap spots, it'll be worth the time. I can only imagine what would happen to a driver who couldn't make a hearing because he couldn't  park his wheelchair retrofitted van in a handicap spot.

They probably get fined and threatened with jail, just like everyone else.  They have more hurdles to cross to get to the hearing than most people.

I wish people in power had empathy for the people they serve.

This behavior on the part of people sworn to uphold our laws must stop.

It must stop now!

Love ya,

S.

*They called me within minutes of tagging them a public post on a disability advocate's Facebook page.  I hate Facebook but there are times when it is useful.

I didn't answer the phone.  The call came in as a private number.  I got their message.

At least, they're trying now.

I don't think they're going to take this seriously at all.  Perhaps we need to share it with the court of public opinion.

Sigh....

You Can't Fix Crazy But You Can Stay Away From It

Today I am thankful for my neighbor.

My neighbor is a retired Private Investigator and former New York City cop.

He's tough.

He bailed me out of a stalking incident a few years back when a guy pretending to be with Ameriprise tried to get into my house with a ink-jet printed badge and no real ID.

The insurance company didn't send him.

A few days after the second incident with this guy, my ex claimed this guy contacted him via email to look at the house -but- that doesn't explain why he showed up when I had to leave for job interviews and block the garage.  Nor does it explain why he drove towards the kids and I head on in the street one morning as I left to take the kids to school.

I don't believe it was a coincidence that he'd block my driveway when I needed to leave for job interviews nor do I think it was a coincidence that he knew exactly when I took the children to school.  I'm pretty sure someone told him what I was doing and when.  I'm pretty sure that someone was my ex-husband.

I'm thinking this guy was one of my ex-husband's cousins.  He had a strong resemblance to his uncle.  His uncle died a week prior to the harassment and the funeral was the day of the first incident.  I'm thinking this was somehow connected to my ex and his family.

I spied the guy taking photos through my windows one morning when coming home from dropping the kids off from school.

I didn't have my cell phone.  I didn't have a camera.

I ran to my neighbor's house and he came out in his night shorts and confronted the man.

That was May of 2015.

My neighbor has been trying to get me to date for a few years now.

I'm not ready.

He said that if I wait too long, I'll miss my chance.

I don't want to drag some poor man into the drama that is my life.

I'm probably going to have to move away from the stalkerish ex-in-laws in order to feel safe dating.

Sigh.....

Yesterday, this neighbor pulled me aside and mentioned that he ran into my ex-husband at a movie theater over the weekend.  Apparently Michael was hiding his face and trying to slink down in his chair so my neighbor wouldn't notice him.

My neighbor, a retired cop, notices everything.

After the movie, he approached my ex to try to talk to him.

He asked if he had a job - my ex stated that he would not answer the question.  He asked if he had a place to stay or if he was in a shelter - again, my ex told him that he would not answer the question.

My neighbor thought it was weird.  In the past, my ex and this guy were fairly chummy.  This guy went to great lengths to secure job interviews or my ex - but my ex refused to schedule them.

I told my neighbor that my ex is trying to avoid a child support re-calculation.  I let the State of Colorado gut his child support because they told me that he was indigent and in an alcoholic rehabilitation center.

I found out last week that this wasn't true.

My ex doesn't want to tell me or the court if and where he is working or where he is living. It doesn't matter if he's found in contempt of court again.  He does not want me to know.

I can't even forward his mail to him!

I went on to mention that my ex accused me of harassing him at work and calling his former boss to get him fired.

Weird.....I know.

I've never called his boss.  Over the years, his mother and sister have called my bosses in the past to try to get me fired. My ex would scream at me when I was on the phone with my bosses.  One of whom was the former District Attorney (who urged me to divorce back in '98).

I never have done these things.  I can barely find the time to pee throughout the day, let alone harass people.

I'm trying to find the time to share footage of police officers refusing to move their cars out of handicap spots with the media and disability advocacy groups.  I've been working on that for over a week.

If I had time to harass people, I'd make the harassment worth while!

...except my ex-husband's family.  They don't work....so....they have time to cause trouble. 

When my ex-husband refused to move out of the house, I can see why no one (meaning the Aurora police) wanted to take police reports and investigate.  My ex may have given his relatives keys to the house and my calendar.  

In fact, right before I filed for a divorce, my ex claimed to have given his sister a key to the house and told her to drop by any time.  He immediately told me that he was lying.  I don't know what to think about that one.  

Maybe his relatives were just visiting the squatter who refused to leave.  If so, wouldn't they knock?  Why park and block the driveway?  Why pretend to be someone else?  Why go to my office and harass my billing clerk?  

The police told me who was behind the harassment.  They just didn't want to take reports.  Their refusing to take a report didn't help me at all.  It helped drag the abuse out.  

You cannot get a permanent restraining order without a police report.   

Now...I will not hesitate to call the police.  If they refuse to take a report,  I'll bitch to the City Council.  If they refuse to listen, I'll go to the media. 

There is absolutely no reason for people to harass me at work or home now. 

None....

****

I've spent some time on YouTube watching stories of women who were stalked during their marriages. 

Most of the stories mirror mine. 

The husband was controlling.  

He was jealous. 

If she were near men, he'd freak out and stalk her. 

In 2011, I ran against three men in a political race.  That must have really pissed him off. 

They were all married to smart, beautiful, and kind women - so, seriously.....I KNOW these men didn't think of me in any type of romantic term. 

No one wants to trade in a Cadillac for a beat up old Ford Pinto. 

It didn't matter.  Jealous people are going to be jealous - no matter what. 

I saw videos about people who stalk pretending to be the victims of stalking.  

I guess one reason they do that to throw the cops off of their trails. They lie so much that they confuse the issue.  If the story gets too confusing authorities (like the cops and judges) throw up their hands and refuse to do anything. 

I think that is why he's claiming that I'm stalking him. 

That's okay. 

Either he's trying to frustrate the issue 

-or- 

he's crazy: crazy in the narcissistic drama, crazy-making, reality bending kind of way.  

He's refusing to see a therapist - he had ten visits over the past four years and doesn't feel he needs any more. 

Therapists can't fix crazy making behavior: they can guide people into making needed changes but the onus is on the patient.  

No one can, in all reality, control another person.  

I'm realizing that I am going to need to keep this guy away until he gets help. 

The best way to do that is to NOT go after child support.  

I KNOW he's working.  I KNOW it will go higher if I push the issue. 

That will put the kids and I in a situation that could become dangerous. 

So....I'll have to ponder what is fair for a guy who abandoned his kids. 

Will he take his anger and blame towards me out on the kids? 

He's blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. 

This is disturbing.  

******

I asked him to start calling the kids. 

He won't. 

He's missing their birthdays.  

I can't help him build a relationship he doesn't want to build. 

I think that there will need to be a therapist involved. 

A few days after he left, the kids ventured into the basement to clean out his room for a friend who was thrown out of her home for being gay and misplacing a fork (seriously.....I know...it's a crazy thing to ruin your relationship with your kid over....sigh....some people suck). 

They found my ex-husband's sex toys and porn.  He trashed the house*.  There is mold in the bathroom and bedroom.  I have to replace the plumbing and the carpet.  I'm working on getting a loan.

I think that mess scarred them on some level.  He's going to have to address the mess he left with them. 

I had no idea he papered the floor with porn of redheaded women who resemble me. 

I should have gone into the basement before letting the kids venture into those rooms. 

It was disgusting.  

*******

I'm just documenting that other people are catching wind of my ex's fear of my knowing anything about his life. 

I also want to document that he is accusing me of stalking him and blaming me for ruining his life. 

I can only laugh in disbelief. 

There really is no time for stalking or trouble making.....I'm a post-graduate student, looking for an internship, with her own small business and a job. 

Um.....

Yeah....if I had that kind of time, I could probably take another class and finish my program sooner. 

I'm scared.  

There is nothing I can do to make someone else behave or tell the truth. 

If someone is acting crazy and telling stories, I can, at the very least, stay far away. 

Love ya, 

S.  

*I've learned that it isn't uncommon for exes to refuse to leave the marital home despite court orders demanding that they leave.  When I mentioned that he trashed the house, I was told by another therapist "exes have been known to do that." 

That put it in perspective.  I should have had him forcibly removed from my home on October 21, 2013 as that was the initial date he was court ordered out of the house.  

He left on December 23, 2016 with the car I was given in the divorce.  After NUMEROUS eviction notices were taped to all of the doors. 

Sigh.....I was too nice.  He can blame me for that.  

More Hacking Attempts

Today I am thankful for Google. 

So....over the past three weeks....

we think we had someone break into the house.  The kids heard footsteps one morning.  The cat freaked out.  It got to the point where we bought one of these for each and every door (including the door leading into the back yard from the garage).

On Saturday, my ex-husband accused me of stalking him  He's been diagnosed with NPD.  It is well known that one always knows what a narcissist is up to doing because he'll accuse you of the very same thing.

He is also blaming me for things that are going wrong in his life.

It's sick, I know.

The problem with blaming someone else for all your problems is that you give them a heck of a lot of control over your well being.  That.....and it also gives you an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for making things better.

He claims his family was stalking me but he doesn't talk to them....except when he does.  He used to speak to his cousin daily when things got frightening in 2011-2015.  Now he's planning on hanging out with his brother (my former brother-in-law and his wife used to wait for me at Pagan events even though they are Christian...they'd wait just to chew me out for some perceived wrongdoing - it got to the point that I stopped attending to avoid them).

The family is very enmeshed.  I'm glad not to have to deal with it on a daily basis any more.

The kids also had a weird experience with someone banging on the door Monday (06/18) afternoon.  They didn't answer.  This wouldn't be the first time. 

Now someone is attempting to hack into my job-search Google account.  Somehow they managed to get my password.

My phone has been locking up and so has my computer.  I'll have to scrub both of them for malware.  I thought I'd document this just in case I wind up six feet under.

For what it is worth, my sister-in-law and her boyfriend used to harass me on Wednesdays.  This could be a coincidence.  I don't know.

I do know that, in the past, I wrote everything off as a coincidence only to find out that the events were interconnected and part of my ex-husband's controlling tendencies.

This is slightly irritating. It just may be a coincidence. I'll document it just in case there is more going on than meets the eye.

Love ya,

S.

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Psalms

Today I am thankful for the Bible. 

It has been a day of candles and prayer.

Perhaps I'll share the passages, perhaps I won't.

I'm realizing that some people go all out to try to get the energy of others and to try to control them.

I realized that my ex knows he's making excuses for his bad behavior.  He is telling stories in an effort to get me to doubt my own reality.  He may even be telling stories to make me out to be crazy.

It doesn't matter why he lies.  It shows that he has yet to grow up.

I'm going to do my best to banish the negativity.

Sigh.....

Perhaps I'll add to the post later tonight.

I am realizing that we are not safe in this house.  The games will continue so long as my ex runs amok.

I received a child support check for $291.00 yesterday.  That's probably why he called.  He probably wants to get his money's worth in taxi-cab services from me.

$291.00....that will barely buy the alarm system and stun gun I've got to get now that he's scaring the holy crap out of me.

It won't even touch the legal fees.

Sigh...…

Abusers don't stop until they are made to stop.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I may come back to share some biblical passages with you.

Love you,

S.

Gaslighting and Reigniting Fear

Today I am thankful of confirmation that my ex is behind the stalking. 

Last October, CO-PEP (the Colorado Parents Employment Project) sued me to drop my ex's child support.  They claimed that he was in an alcohol rehab program and could only make $12 an hour. They also wrote that he would be forbidden from working for a period of 8 to 27 months.

After spending nearly $4,000 on legal fees, I reluctantly agreed because...well...the court date that was set up would cause me to lose my temp job.

I don't get child support.

I need to work.

So I signed an agreement dropping his child support for a period ranging from 8 months to 27 months.

Of course...he got a job right away.  I know he's making far more than $12 an hour.

According to our divorce agreement, every May we are supposed to trade paycheck stubs and tax records.  Last month, I sent him an email reminding him of this and asking how he'd like to exchange information.

He ignored it.

That's okay.

That's what I expected.

At least I cannot be held in contempt because I'm trying to follow our agreement.

*******

Today I received a text asking me to drive the kids to a movie theater tomorrow so he could watch a movie with them and wait to take them home.  The last time I did that for him....well...it was a disaster.  He said he wanted three hours so I scheduled an eye exam with a dilation to keep me busy while I waited.

I had to get a teenager to pick them up from the theater because he changed his mind.  I was still at the eye appointment.

There was another time he played that game in June of last year.  He wanted to meet me in public to drop off documents, I waited.  He didn't show up.  I went home and he sent an angry text because I wasn't there.

It's annoying.  I was waiting for a plumber at the house.  I really wanted to get my kitchen sink fixed.

I don't want to do that again.  I don't want to be put in a position of being his on call taxi driver ever again.  It eats up entire days.

It would be nice if he would go to mediation and we could come up with a static visitation agreement that he would honor.  Right now, he has 50/50 custody and is supposed to get them Friday through Sunday.

Of course, that has never happened.

He hasn't seen the kids in over 18 months.

I called him to see what he wanted.

He doesn't want to honor the visitation agreement we have.  He doesn't know what he wants.

After that conversation, I am absolutely terrified of letting him near the kids or myself.

I'm calling lawyers now.

*****

So.....

I reminded him of the email and of the divorce agreement.  I told him that we are supposed to share pay check stubs and tax records.  He argued, yet again, that CO-PEP superseded the family court and that they knew where he lived and worked.

I corrected him again.  I told him it would be a shame if he was found in contempt a second time because he misunderstood CO-PEP's role.  This time I may not argue to keep him out of jail.

At this point, he told me NO.  He is not going to share his paycheck stubs because (get this) he doesn't want me to know where he is working: He claims that I will stalk him at work in an effort to get him fired.

I asked when I had ever done such a thing.

He's done stuff like that.  I haven't.

He would be found unexpectedly waiting for me outside of post-grad classes.  His sister, her boyfriend, a cousin and his uncle harassed me at work and in public.  An old friend of his harassed me when I volunteered at the DA's office, he was looking at a murder charge and wanted me to play in his case file.  I asked to be transferred rather than get caught up in his game.  I cannot fathom how he knew I volunteered there because my name is phonetically incredibly common.

These toxic people watched me.  They harassed my former professors.  They harassed my colleagues.  They harassed me. They called my landlord and bosses with gossip.  I was evicted once because my landlord wanted the calls to stop; they were taking up too much of her receptionist's time.  My Christian boss asked me to find another job after a woman called him telling him I had an abortion (that I did not have).

I was fortunate that my next boss ignored the bullshit.

My ex and his family have harassed me.  When have I done any thing like that?

He didn't give me a straight answer at first.

He asked why I didn't have photos of the stalker.  Well....during our marriage I had a hard time accessing money to buy cameras and nice cell phones.  For a few years after the divorce, he didn't follow the agreement and I couldn't access the money that was court ordered to me.

I had a cheap flip phone most of that time. It didn't have a camera.  I had an Android for a little while but it was consistently hacked so much that it was unusable.  I went back to a cheap flip phone.

Going low tech seemed to solve the hacking problem.

Besides, I didn't know when to expect the stalking so I didn't know when to be sure to pack a camera. Whenever I saw Shannon, Doug or other members of his family I had the instinct to run rather than stick around and take photos.

That is when he told me that I made up the stalking incidents in a bid to get him fired from his $50,000 tax auditor job back in 2015.

What the holy hell?

I never called his employer.  I never told any one outside of my family and the police.  The police  didn't do anything except point out that the incidents happen when my ex isn't around and that this points directly at him being behind it.  The motive was to ensure that I wasn't seeing another man (even though the stalking occurred well after our divorce was final).

My ex stated that because he wasn't around during the stalking incidents, it was proof that I was making it up.

He began referring to the July day in 2015 when someone banged on the front door, blew smoke through a living room window, turned on our garden hose and then cut it.

Within a few days, the dolls that graced my garden were slashed.  Days later, I found ashes and burn marks on our porch.

My ex was, supposedly, in California.

He had a camera installed in the front room near a window that piped our activities onto his cell phone.  I called to see if he had footage of the window so I could take it to the police.

I didn't try to get him fired.

He claims my phone call is the reason he was fired eight weeks later.

And no....he claimed that he did not have footage of whatever occurred outside of that window.  Of course he didn't.  If he did, why would he share?  It's obvious to me now what the game is.

And, yeah....even yesterday he tried blaming people I dated in the past.  

Sigh...

I admit that I was incredibly stupid to let him put a camera in the living room that recorded to his cell phone.  I thought that would engender trust and that he'd know I wasn't up to any funny business.  I thought that if I gave him that tiny bit of control, the stalking outside of the home would stop.

I thought it would prove who the stalker truly was. 

Now I don't know what to think.

I really don't.

The children were with me that day.

We've had to hire therapists to deal with the fall out. 

The stalking is well documented.

I fear it isn't over yet.

The unjustified anger scares me.  I fear it will fuel more rage based harassment.

Or maybe it is just a game to prevent him from having to pay a fair amount of child support.  If he scares me, I'll drop the issue.

There is probably a method to his madness.

This is why I need a lawyer. 

*****

Perhaps I should probably talk to the people who were with me during stalking incidents.  One of them is a psychiatrist.  I'm sure he'll tell me I'm not imagining things.  I have friends and family who have seen the creepy crap.  I have neighbors who intervened.  I know I'm not imagining things.

My ex sounded scarily angry.

He said that I had a way of making people believe things that are not true.

I am now concerned about his mental health.

I will hire a new lawyer on Monday.

There goes my retirement savings.

*******
It would appear that he is not stuck in an inpatient program that he cannot leave.

It appears that he is making money but doesn't want to be forthcoming about the information. Any effort to be fair will only lead to me being gaslit and harassed.

It appears that I've been tricked.

I am not sure if I am safe right now.

He is blaming me for the messes in his life.

He is angry at me.

An angry ex with a propensity for stalking can be a scary thing.

I need to move.

When I wrote last winter asking what he wanted for visitation, he basically told me he didn't care.  It would be nice to have some idea of what to expect rather than being asked to drop things with less that a day's notice.

I'm busy.  I work two jobs.  I am a student (retaking the post-grad classes that I had to stop due to the stalking).

I can't afford to drop everything without notice.

*******

Oh and my ex told me that he checks out his sister's former boyfriend's Facebook page.  His name was Doug.  Doug was one of the idiots who would hassle me in public.  It took me two years to figure out who he was.

He was the one who grabbed me when I left lunch with my high school sweetheart.  Doug was the one who menaced the billing lady at my office and blocked me in the driveway one March day.

If he's watching Doug. This makes me wonder if he stalks the Facebook pages of other people.

This is why I don't use Facebook anymore.

I fear the stalking picking up.

I'll try to collect my thoughts.

If I turn up dead, I am hoping my friends, family and neighbors tell the cops that my ex was being bizarre.

This isn't the first time he's accused me of crazy crap.  In 2015, he ran around telling people that I broke his nose.

I never broke his nose.

I don't even think he's ever broken his nose.

In 1993, he told his family that I wouldn't let him attend college.  I was helping him get financial aid.  In 2012, after years of harassment over the subject, he admitted lying to them because his mother was hassling him for not being enrolled and he wanted her to "shut up." The sick thing about that is that he already had a B.S. in Accounting and his family did not know.

Those are the kind of lies that his family uses as an excuse to harass me.  He's told a lot of whoppers but the lies just get worse and worse as time goes by.  

*****
I am not in a position to play taxi driver to my ex and our kids.  I've asked him to think about what he wants and to come up with a more static visitation schedule.  I don't want him only seeing the kids on Father's Day.

I'm almost afraid of what would happen if I met him in a parking lot with the kids.  Maybe I should talk to the police about exchanging the kids at the police station.

I asked my ex to start calling the kids in order to rebuild the relationship.  I also asked him to go to mediation.

We'll see what happens.

If this guy is this angry and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life, it brings back a lot of fear for me especially given his propensity for stalking.

I'm pretty sure that the stalking and harassment were born out of anger.

Much of that anger was due to the lies he told people about me.

I'm not exactly sure that we are safe.

Love ya lots,

S.

Edit: I posted a little bit about the situation and shared it with my friends on Facebook just in case I wind up in the news as a decedent.  My psychiatrist buddy contacted me to put me in touch with a police officer who offers self-defense classes.  He was there during a stalking incident in a coffee shop in 2009.

I'm still going to have to sell my stuff to fund a lawyer.  This is insane.

Drug Store Cheaters

Today I am thankful for a local clerk who taught me about cheaters. 

So....it started when I bought fuel injection cleaner for my aging Buick.

The clerk checked my ID.

I told her that I was "almost elderly."

She didn't believe my birth date.

She said my skin was too smooth

-and-

I wasn't wearing "cheaters".

She said she thought I was in my early thirties.

Cheaters?  What are cheaters?

Well....they are cheap glasses that people need when their inability to focus grows longer than their arms.

I wonder if she saw me struggling to read the ingredients on the protein bars I bought.

Oh....I can't read without headaches.  I always blamed the allergies or my dry eyes.

I hate using the internet because I can't focus on the letters. I also have dyslexia so I wind up reading bizarre things that are unique to me.

This can lead to some comical situations.

For example - I tend to read Martial Arts and Marital Arts and wonder if some sex therapist has registered the term as a trademark.

I went to the eye doctor and they tried to sell me coke bottle glasses for $900.

I can't quite afford that right now.

****

After meeting with the clerk, I found myself looking at the cheapy glasses.  I tried on various strengths.

I'm a 1.50.

And, oh my....it has truly opened up a new world of learning for me.

It doesn't hurt to read any more.

I have an entire pile of books to read!

Oh my......

Life is good!

I should be very busy for awhile.

I betcha I can go back to reading sheet music again!

******
When social interactions impact me on a personal level, I look for the lesson. There is always a lesson. There has to be a lesson here.

Perhaps it is a reminder to practice random acts of kindness, not in an intrusive way but in a way that espouses respect for the individuality of the other person.

Perhaps I should start leaving pennies on the electronic horses at King Soopers so kids can take a ride.  I could start leaving quarters in the vending and bubble gum machines.

Perhaps it is time to go back to paying it forward: donating food to the food bank, toiletries to the battered women shelters that I trust and money to the causes that resonate within me.

That is how I used to live when I was bohemian and things always had a way of happening automatically for me.

I'm not sure why I stopped - perhaps it was due to the chaos in my own life.  Chaos can cause us to become self-centered.  As the chaos is beginning to go away, it is time to bring the loving attention outward.

I am so very thankful for the people that I meet in my town.

They are very kind and helpful.

They are full of lessons.

They are awesome!

I should write a comment card and praise her ability to up sell her customers and change their lives.

I'll do that now.

Love ya,

S.

A Strange Friday

Today I am thankful for flights of fancy.

At least I think that is what I'm experiencing.

So.....

my internet went down.

That means that I was not distracted by the internet.

This gave me free time to think....

I wasn't really thinking,

so much as daydreaming.

******
The first step in changing one's life is imagining what one's life would be like if needed changes were made.

I've spent the past five years chasing jobs that pay enough to raise kids without child support.

I've gone to insane lengths to do this.

I'm licensed as an insurance agent in 37 states.

I'm certified in various forms of psychotherapy.

Because I want to get decent health insurance on the kids, I was trying to get on to my favorite health insurance company hailing from California.

I used to sell Medicare plans for them.  They moved their sales department to Florida and laid me off.  I went to sell for a competitor who asked me to break a lot of laws.

In essence, they wanted me to churn plans.

I wound up in an emergency room with high blood pressure and heart palpitations (we're thinking it was due to an allergic reaction).  In the emergency room, while going in and out of altered states of consciousness, I fantasized about working for my favorite company.

An older woman was in the emergency room ruminating over the crappy Medicare plan she bought from my then employer.  I recommended my favorite company.

I actually imagined myself working there.

My phone rang.

I didn't answer because I didn't want to spook the caller with the sounds of the heart beat monitors behind me.....

this person was a recruiter for my favorite healthcare company.

I don't know what prompted this person to call me.  It worked out beautifully.  I was hired.

I've been temping with my favorite health care company for six months. My understanding is that they would have to let me go before the end of June.  I'm planning my exit for June 29th.

I've talked to several people trying to beat alcoholism while answering phones for this company.  They've inspired me to get back into counseling.

I let go of my private practice when my ex-husband's family started stalking me at the office.  I need to go back and get re-certified.  I need to take all of the drug and alcohol classes again.

The starting pay in this field is only $15 an hour (sometimes less).

As a hypnotist, I can make $150.00 an hour - the only problem with this is that there are no benefits and it can be hard to get more than a handful of full pay clients per week.

I'm trying to do both jobs: One job to feed the kids and the other to feed my soul.

********

I've enrolled in the alcohol addiction counseling classes.  I start in two weeks.

I called the recruiter to explain that I'm planning on leaving when the contract expires.  He told me that the company wants to keep me on.

Hmmm....they certainly will pay me more than $15 an hour.  The work doesn't quite feed my soul.

Two hours later, I received an interview request for another insurance company that wants to pay me $19 an hour to start.

I don't know what to do.

Do I do what feeds my kids?

Do I do what feeds my soul?

Can I finagle a way to do both?

I'm realizing that I'm having an internal conversation that most people have early in their lives.

When I was a kid, I decided on doing what fed my soul.

Then the stalking started and I gave up who I was out of fear.

Fear ruins lives.

Fear keeps us from being who we truly are.

When we stop being ourselves, it leads to depression.

*****
I'm getting older.

I've gained weight.

I'm wearing ugly clothes.

I love high heel shoes and dresses.

I haven't really worn dresses since 2013 or so (some guy grabbed me and made a mess on my leg).

I started eating real food.  I'm a vitamin junky. I just don't feel right when I eat food (because I'm allergic to most of it).

Last week, I stopped eating three squares and went back to eating my usual fare (protein powder, tea and vitamins.....I feel better).

Maybe the problem is that I'm not me.

I've become a stranger to myself.

The question then becomes who am I?

I ask myself, what makes me happy.

What puts a spring in my step?

What makes me smile?

All I can think about is wearing my dresses, letting my curly hair fly free, wearing a little bit of make-up, dancing around and playing my bass.

I'm also spending a lot of time thinking about my former hypnosis clients and how great it felt when they changed their lives. I smile when I think about the woman who was afraid of commitment and spent her life flitting from job to job and town to town.  On the fourth session, she committed to buying a house and started a relationship. She said that she hadn't made any progress towards committing to anything.

I wonder if she realized her progress yet?

That made me happy.

Maybe....that's me.

I don't know.

So, maybe I'll let go of the hair relaxers....

wash the dresses....

tune up my one remaining bass (this is embarrassing, that thing has residence under my bed....yeah...first loves never quite go away....I literally sleep on top of= the darn thing).

Where did that last line come from?

Well....

um.....

my phone has been acting up.  I received a Google Hangout invite from my second love this afternoon (first human love....my first love was my Peavey T40 my dad gave me).

When I clicked on the Google Hangout.....the date was July 6th!!!  I have no clue what year.

So now.....my memories are of him....and my wondering what I did to annoy him....or if I hurt him.... if the universe can forgive me....if I am ever truly cut out to try to love another human being ever again.

I was sad and wanted a distraction so I made a bargain with the internet Gods: If my internet just so happened to come online in the next minute, I'd reach out to the guy and check in.

At the moment, I realized it was dumb, rude and unfair to reach out to someone that I truly hope is happily married by now (a lot of things can change in a few years....right?).

That's when the internet kicked in!

Well....I'm not going to destroy another human being's night because I'm insane.....

So....

I'm off to do my Friday rituals to Aphrodite.  I'll say a prayer for the guy and pray he's living the dream.

I guess that's a form of checking in.

Friday is also my day to honor Dionysus.

I'll play around with my guitar.....maybe the memories will lead to some kind of creative distraction.

If I load something new to Vimeo, the bittersweet memories will be worth it.

Perhaps....if I can do what I like to do, I won't annoy any more politicians in my town (unless they violate my fourth amendment rights again....seriously....they need to knock that crap off...I guess I could paint the memory and write a song to immortalize the crap.....).

Enough of the fanciful thought stream.

I'll leave you with this.....

may all of your memories be sweet....

may all your dreams come true.....

I'm off to drink my ceremonial wine and surround myself in roses.

I wish that you find work that feeds your soul and your wallet.

Love ya,

S.

Another Break In

Today I am thankful for my new security cameras. 

I couldn't sleep last night.  I wound up taking a ton of Benadryl around 3:00 am so I could finally sleep.

The energy was weird.

I felt a presence in my room but thought it was my imagination.  I had my ritual candles going.  The smell of incense filled the air.

I just thought I was having a hypnogogic hallucination.

The last time I remember seeing on the clock before drifting off to sleep was 3:14.  My clock is ten minutes fast, so it was about 3:00 a.m.  when I went out like a light.

******

I awoke and did my usual Sunday stuff.

My youngest woke up and told me that she received a text from her older sister around 4:04 a.m. wanting to know if she were awake.

She said she was asleep.

I didn't think anything of it.

******
The eldest woke up around 1:00 p.m.

She told me that she heard the garage door open and slam around 4:03 a.m..  It scared her so much that she barricaded herself in her bedroom with the cat.

I didn't hear anything.

I went downstairs to find that the garage light was on.

Some of the boxes in the garage were disturbed but nothing was taken.

Then.....I noticed that some of the objects that surround my front door were moved.

These are protection boxes that surround the top of the front door near the ceiling.  They are filled with yarrow meant to ward off stalkers and people with the intention of theft and menacing.

One of them was open. Only a tall person could open it or an average sized person on a chair. 

The cat cannot get there.

It made me wonder if someone was looking for money.  I guess someone could potentially hide money in the little boxes atop the front door.

Maybe someday I'll write about that ritual and the resulting chaos that ensued for one of the stalkers the day after it was cast.   That spell is about 15 years old.

Other than that, nothing was missing from the house.

My daughter wanted to call the police -but- they won't do anything.

I can hear it now.  It's just my imagination -or- my ex is just messing with my head.

It's not worth my time and energy to fight it.

*****
 We braced the doors and I prepared to leave the house to go to my office and re-hang my graduate degree.

I had to take it down to make a copy of it so that I could enroll into a post-grad education program.

As I left, I noticed a young man (dressed as a woman) watching the house.  He was in front of my mailbox, holding a large cell phone in a gray case.  (S)he was about twenty years old, caucasian, thin with long black hair that reached his/her mid-back....I think I saw blue highlights but I'm not exactly sure.  His/her jaw was square.  (S)he was smoking a cigarette.  (S)he was tall and lanky, wearing white sneakers, white capris and a white jersey with pink sleeves.

(S)he was watching me.  I pulled out of my garage and parked on the street.  The person walked past my car with his/her head held down.  I drove away and lingered at a stop sign trying to find my phone so I could take a picture.  I didn't want the person to know what I was doing, so I make a left turn and parked.  This person walked to the intersection and made a right turn before continuing to walk.

I drove home.  This is where I am right now.  This happened around 1:50 (about 20 minutes ago).

I need to call the guy who owns the rental property to see if he has a new tenant.  I am very scared right now.

I am hoping this guy lives next door.

If not.....this is scaring me.

This is not someone who I've let stay here in the past.  I'm thinking that if it were someone who needed a place to stay, he or she would have approached me.

This is bizarre.

I'm writing this now to document it.

I have about six security cameras that I've yet to install.  I never thought about putting one in the garage.

I'll do that now.

My thought is that I need to move pronto.

Whoever did this was either spooked or is someone who knows me and wants to make a statement.

By the way, I realized how one could potentially get into my garage.  I never changed the lock on the door leading into the back yard.

I'm off to rectify that right now.

Sigh.....

Love ya,

S.

Edit a few hours later:  The young person who was watching the house is staying in the rental next door.

I spent the day at the hardware store.  I'm fairly sure I've fixed any possible entrances into the property.

Moving to another house may be the next best step.

Do The Work You Love

Today I am thankful for realizing why I am tired and uninspired all the time. 

Well.....

over the past four or five years, I've been trying to do the regular 9-5 thing.

I've never been good about holding down a 9-5.

In this economy, I usually work ten hour days.

The work I do is in call centers.  If I'm not on the floor taking calls, I'm training the agents.

If I had a dollar for every customer who tells me that I

"have a beautiful voice"......

"excellent articulation"......

and that I

"should make meditation recordings"......

I'd have a hefty pay raise.

I actually had a former vocal teacher call in and ask if I were a professional recording artist.

Apparently, I use the microphone in a way where one doesn't hear the pops when one says words that start with "p" or "t".

I lied and said that I wasn't.

*****

I'm working as a temp for my favorite company.

They have a rating system based on our QA scores and I currently rank as #1 out of 89 agents.

As a result, they've given me more hours than many of the more seasoned agents.  This has caused a tad bit of a stir.

I feel horrible about it.  There are people with families counting on those hours.  These people don't have other jobs. 

As a small business owner, I could probably survive without the job.

A QA score is what one gets after the people who listen to the recorded calls grade them.

I've been lucky enough to have a few 100% scores.

I'm not so sure that I'm good at my job.  I'm just lucky that the scorers found good calls.

*****
My small business is on hold.

The recording studio in my bedroom is getting dusty.

I am tired all the time.

I thought that working a 9-5 would help me get health insurance on the kiddos.  I don't want them on Medicaid.  Their father refuses to work so I have to do what I can to pick up the slack.

I actually became licensed in health insurance in 37 states thinking I could get a job offering health insurance.

It didn't work out that way.

The temp job is at a company that I formerly QA'd and trained sales agents for a third party vendor representing them.  I used to sit in on meetings with executives for this company.  I know how they want their calls handled.

Sigh....

I'm debating sending 37 letters to 37 licensing boards to relinquish my licenses.

I don't want to peddle insurance any longer.

I took the jobs to clean up after my ex.  I took the jobs to try to make him happy. He promised to leave me alone if I got a 9-5.  I guess he's behaving himself now....

I'm unhappy.

All I do is sleep.

I've gained 40 or more pounds.  It is hard to spend hours tethered to a phone.

I hate it.

*****
For the first time in ten years, I went to the grocery store without makeup.

There was flirting.  I was on my hands and knees, digging for daughter's favorite iced tea when a man my age got right down there with me  and started asking my opinion on other flavors.

Um....I told him they were all good......and

I ran away.

When I kept running into him, I hid in the bathroom.

I don't know why.

Maybe he was worried for my mental health because normal people don't shop on their hands and knees.

Or maybe he was reading my mind.  When I caught him watching me, the first thought I had was....well....that I was in a compromising position.

It could be that I left the house in one of those cheap magic bras.  I usually wear padded ones because I'm always cold....they hide the evidence.

I had to wear a pink jean jacket to hide the impact of the air conditioning.  Perhaps....it didn't conceal as much as I thought.

Men don't usually look at me like that.....at least not anymore.

I don't know.

As I walked out of the store, I saw someone carrying a shopping bag for Micro-Center and immediately felt inspired.

Micro-Center is a computer store.  I like going in there for equipment to help my computer do a better job of recording my vocals.

I can't leave that place without a ton of ideas to upload.

Call center work barely inspires me.  There are the occasional people threatening suicide who I can convince to talk to a nurse - they inspire me.

For the most part, I use my hypnotic and sales skills to lessen the irritation of angry customers.

I'm working too many long days.

I haven't had time to visit my office in two months.

I miss hypnotizing people.

If working for others isn't going to net the kiddos health insurance, there really is no point in it.   I need to make money in a manner that makes me comfortable.

I'm sending out counseling resumes.  If I can work 2,000 hours in addiction counseling, I can start the path towards licensure.

Call center work is just far too demeaning.

I don't want to do it any more, especially at low wages and without health insurance.

I should relinquish those hours for someone else.

******

I have faith that the perfect opportunity will present itself.

If I am supposed to be in a relationship, I'm sure I'll eventually meet someone who will wear me down to a point where I won't want to hide out in the bathroom.

The first step is to stop trying to do what my ex and the system expect me to do.  The only reason I hunted for those jobs was to get benefits that my ex was supposed to be providing and didn't.

The benefits are not happening.

There really is no point in it, is there?

Part of the reason I work in call centers is that the security tends to be very high.  The jobs are anonymous and it was hard, if not impossible, for my ex's family to bother me at those jobs.

When I worked in the public eye, it often led to harassment.

Call centers are anonymous.

I can't afford to keep doing it.

My thoughts are turning to ways I can work with the public without drawing attention to myself.

That's going to be a trick.

*****

Do the work that inspires you. 

Do work that makes you want to wake up in the morning.

Heck....do work that you'd love to stay up into the morning doing.

That is where you'll make the most impact.

I'm off to dust my recording studio.


Love ya,

S.