Today I am thankful for boxes and a reminder that my ex-husband doesn't understand boundaries.
I am tired of hoovering.
On Thursday, I received an email that my ex-husband had been fired again.
I did not respond.
Friday night, he requested that I drop off the teenagers for a visit at a movie theater on the other side of town on Saturday afternoon. I had an eye appointment. I had about 12 hours notice.
The kids hadn't seen their father for over four months, so I agreed.....reluctantly.
He wanted them picked up three hours later. The girl staying here offered to pick them up after the movie because my eyes were dilated and I could not see.
The divorce decree spells out visitation quite clearly. He's to pick them up and drop them off. He's supposed to see them every Friday through Sunday on the first, second and fourth weekends of the month.
He's supposed to carry health insurance and pay child support. None of these things are happening. It's funny, when we divorced he made twice of what I made at my last job. His last job was also at a call center. Our wages were similar but he can't afford to help out.
He's the victim.
I understand that things happen. I don't mind being flexible so long as it doesn't impinge upon my lifestyle.
These demands are starting to do just that.
He's a victim. I have to make allowances for his victimhood. He just got fired....again. He's unemployed. I need to understand. He's in a bad situation.
I have to help him.
I'm almost in the same boat. I kept my hypnosis practice going but I need to get health insurance. I need to find a job NOW!
I don't want to waste any more time packing up this guy's stuff and waiting for him to pick it up.
I spent the first two weeks of my unemployment packing up his things and cleaning up the mess he made. He only took some things. He decided he wanted the tv, vcr, movies and music after we decided the kids would keep these things during our separation agreement mediation four years ago. I found out that he wanted these things 48 hours before he came to pick them up.
Sigh...I gave it to him just to end it.
I received an email today. He wants to come over on Monday to pick up the rest of his stuff.
I told him no. I keep finding stuff of his around the house. I'd like to have some time to pack it up. Maybe he could pick it up during the next weekend if he visits the kids.
He argued with me saying that Monday (today) is the only day he'll have a van. That was my van. The one given to me in the divorce. The one I paid for with student loan money. The one I signed over to him when a driver for Centurylink hit it and offered $1980.00 if we wouldn't sue. I signed it over to him so he could get the money and use it to move out.
Of course, he stayed here another seven months. I don't know what he did with the money.
Ugh.....
The judge gave him 30 minutes to pick up his stuff. He needed a police officer present. I let him take a little over four hours to go through his things while making a mess of my garage without a police officer. I'm not looking forward to repacking everything.
Now, he wants another day. It HAS to be tomorrow.
I tried to set another boundary. My weekdays are reserved for job searching and hypnosis clients. I really don't want to sit at home and wait for him. I can't even go into my recording studio because I have to be able to hear the doorbell ring.
It's a major time suck.
I don't want to park outside of my house and deal with the asshole neighbor who brandishes his gun because he thinks he owns all the street parking. Monday is the day this neighbor needs the parking in front of my house. Monday is the day he pitches his MLM products and has a lot of guests over.
Monday is this neighbor's favorite day to call the cops.
I'll keep the stuff in the garage if he'll take it. He's been saying that he doesn't want the clothes. He wants me to donate them. Yesterday he reaffirmed that he didn't want the things in the garage, all he wanted was his hats. Hats are clothing! They're in a box in the garage. I'll sort through them and set them out.
I'm sure glad I didn't call the Disabled Vets Society to pick up the clothing yet.
I wonder.....
how much of this emailing and messing around with court orders is an attempt to stay connected to me?
Is this how the stalking morphed?
I need to go low contact.
I'm thinking the judge spelled out the rules for picking up his stuff so it wouldn't become a drawn out ordeal.
I wonder how long this can go on?
Why am I not allowed to set boundaries?
People trying to escape toxic relationships are often hooked back into them by wanting to
be loved (missing being in a relationship),
alleviate guilt (stay together for the kids),
and/or
get help (financial, daycare, help around the house).
My hook?
That's the need for fairness. All these years, I've tried to be fair to him.
I couldn't leave between '01-'07 because he had some health issue (e.g. claims of traumatic brain injury or needing surgery).
I couldn't leave between '08-11' because he needed a job.
I couldn't leave between '11-'13 it was because he wouldn't give me legal paperwork.
I filed anyway.
At first, he took a traveling job and was rarely here. He'd give me move out dates and they'd come and go without anything happening.
When I started interviewing lawyers, he lost his job. His job loss has been the excuse to stay here and make demands on my time since.
Fair?
Is it fair that I want to live alone four years after he signed the separation agreement?
YES!
It took three years and $6,400 in legal fees to get my ex-husband out of my house - after our divorce was final. The divorce seemed to take forever, too.
Thankfully he left in December.
It's still not over, is it?
I realize that I'm never going to get away, am I?
I'm glad I decided to be alone.
I don't believe in fairy tales.
Even if I were in a fairy tale, I'd never be the princess. I'd be the magician, the witch or the sorceress. We don't get the prince. We get something much more fun and interesting. Even if I did find my delicious devilish delight, I'd run away for his sake. I wouldn't be easily found - no glass slippers for this girl.
Honestly, there is no reason to put another soul through this drama.
I need a better story.
This one is exhausting!
Sigh.....
Love ya,
S.
Edit: Now, I'm seeing text messages expressing concern about my sight.
Maybe I need to just give up trying to get away.
It's not going to happen.
I don't know what is fair.
I try to help.
I've tried to help for years.
Nothing I do really helps.
It's not like he listens to me.
It's not like I know what in the world is really going on between him and his family.
I have the urge to hide from him and anyone who knows him.
It's not a nice feeling.
I just don't know what else to do.
All I can think is that I need to put my needs first. My job hunt has to be my priority. The things he wants has to take a back seat.
He isn't paying child support. What happens if I'm not working? Someone has got to do the grunt work.
I'm the only one willing to roll up my sleeves to get it done.
One day at a time.
That is all that I can do.
