Frozen

Today I am thankful for the people who cross my path.

I'm thankful for the guy at the city who is helpful even though I'm a bitch.

He's polite. 

Thank you, nice guy.

He remembers meeting me three years ago. 

He asked me if my ex had finally left the house.

Yes, I had to take him to court for contempt.  A judge told him to get a job and to move out.

Now I can finally do the renovation work that needed to be done three years ago when I inquired about permits and city licensed contractors.

He's sending the paperwork. 

I felt guilty using taxpayer dollars for postage.

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I am thankful for the lady at the bank who reminded me that I need to set up an online account or they'll send me my money back.

I've been a customer of this bank since high school! 

I gave my ex the checking account during the divorce and opened one at the credit union.

The credit union has a new website that doesn't work.  The manager couldn't help me sign on because the website is glitchy.

After finding out that my creditors weren't being paid, I went back to my old bank and opened two new accounts there.  They hold my retirement accounts, so it was easy to go back.

Now I have three checking accounts, three savings accounts and a retirement account.  I think the lady at the bank is on to something when she said to consider going online and consolidating them.

I will.....

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I have an author friend who is inspiring me to try to blog 100 words each day.  I gotta tell ya, the crap I write isn't nearly as interesting as the things she writes.  She writes about philosophy, vampires and pirates.

I'm not so brilliant.

It's tough trying to be interesting now. 

When you're adventurous, you do all of the fun things early on.  People expect you to continue going on adventures.

The things I do now are boring in comparison to the things I've done in the past.

I really don't have interesting things to say right now.

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The past few days, I've been lazy.

I've been boxing up the ex's stuff.  He sent me an email telling met that he doesn't want the things I've boxed up for him (e.g. his sports card collection, the first edition Edgar Allen Poe books, his clothes and the things I thought had value to him).

He just wants all the videos, the music, the stereo, the DVD player, the VCR and the television.  Now, I'm back to packing the outdated things I didn't think he wanted.  It's strange, he didn't ask for these things during the divorce.  He wants them now.  The kids are frustrated that they'll lose the movies and TV -but- he can have them.  We can get new movies and a new TV.  It's okay. 

I'll take another day to pack everything that I can up for him.  The more I pack, the more I find. 

It's exhausting. 

It dawned on me that I probably won't find everything.  He left a huge mess.  I'll do my best.

It's also very sad.  There are times when I wonder what I could have done differently.  Then, I'll find strange things amongst the mess - like Valentine's Day cards inscribed to his wife but never signed.

It's almost as though he didn't think we were divorced -or- he held out hope we'd get back together.

Pagans have a belief that garnets breathe life into one's sexuality.  I was a little disturbed that my missing garnet jewelry was hidden in a silver cup on a shelf in his room.

Why would a guy do that? 

If he wanted to save the relationship, he should have let me wear my jewelry. 

I'll never understand.

That discovery made me realize that this was truly for the best. 

I want someone who will let me express love.  I'd like someone who isn't so mean that I feel the need to resort to wearing garnets to....be loving in a physical way.

I guess this had to happen. 

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I am also thankful that the creepy neighbor had not been threatening anyone in the past 72 hours.

I got a little worried when I heard yelling this morning.

A man was screaming at someone to get off of his lawn.  I ran outside and didn't see anything.

At least, there was no blood.

It was all good.

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I am also thankful for hats.

I don't want to go outside.

It's a long story.

I'm blond!

It's disgusting. 

I never really go blond, I go super duper ginger.

It's ugly.

I have this belief that people won't hire women with auburn hair due to the perception that we're obnoxious.  When I look for work, I dye my hair brown.  Overtime, the brown fades away and people don't really notice my hair color.  The change is subtle.

My hair is auburn. 

Now that my hair is going platinum in places, I figure that I have to dye my hair brown to hide my age. 

I need a new job.  I tried to dye my hair brown three weeks ago and fell asleep with the developer on my head. 

Hair color is new to me.  I used to dye my hair with herbs and various types of henna.  That only darkens your hair, it never lightens it.  That's nice.

Henna is kind of inconvenient in that the only way to get the color to hold is to keep it on your head for four to eight hours.  It was okay doing that when I needed to sleep alone and had plenty time to spare.

I can't do that anymore because I am really busy and need to sleep.

The problem with falling asleep with developer on your head is that the color can come out too light as the chemicals eat through your hair.

The color was a very light brown but, at the time, it was tolerable.

I wore a lot of thick headbands to hide it.

One day last week I took a bubble bath.  I rarely do that.  Usually I bathe in dried roses or various herbs.  I believe it helps my skin and, it's kinda nice because I smell like tea. 

Last week, I was lazy.  I didn't want to steep the herbs or mess with the concoctions.

I used the kid's bubble bath. 

Some of the soap wound up in my hair.  When it dried, I was blonde!

It's bad.

For about two weeks, I've been staring at a tube of medium brown hair color.

I'm terrified to put it in my hair.

Allspice will darken my hair and bring out the red highlights.  I can use horsetail to strengthen it. 

I'll probably run around smelling like a pumpkin pie for the next few days. 

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I'm just feeling frozen and numb.

I must spend a lot of time in the delta meditative state because I have hallucinations of people I know.

I don't see people as they are.  Usually, I associate people with color or an energy signature.  There is a handsome doctor I know, when I see him he's light blue.  I had a vision of him and went to Facebook and saw that he requested prayers for his mother, she is very ill.

This is me with too much time on my hands....

I flirt with city employees

and see people in hallucination states.

Today I had an urge to practice the Ho'oponopono Clearing meditation.  I'd imagine people and do the forgiveness mediation.

I guess I'm not very spiritually advanced because I'm having a hard time saying that with certain people (people who kill dogs and abuse the public trust).

The day I can forgive these people is the day I grow up enough to allow myself to love.

I realize that's where my life went off kilter.

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I'm an empath.

As a child, I had bizarre visions.  I could predict death.  I could predict stories in the newspaper.  I knew who I was going to date before I met them.

I always knew I'd be a hypnotist.  In fact, in school, I wrote about hypnosis all the time. 

I could see the future.  I don't know if I was a good guesser or if I knew what I wanted and could manifest those things.

I just know that I always knew where I would move, where I would work, who I would date and how life would be.

There were some surprises on the way when I lost faith but I was always able to get back in touch with myself and get back to my path.

It's those injustices that veer me off of my path.  Those injustices that make me seethe to the point of spewing the poison right back on the rats who caused the grief in the first place.

I think my inability to let a battle slide that is causing me to veer from my spiritual practice.

This lack of spiritual practice has caused me to lose touch with who I am, lose touch with friends and probably prolonged the stalking. 

I was so angry and terrified that I probably couldn't find my way out of a paper bag, let alone a way out of the mental prison I was in.

Maybe this fallow time - this time of being out of work- is time for me to get back in touch with my spiritual practice.

The hard part is trusting the visions again.  I've spent so many years pushing them away, it's hard to believe them.

I'm glad I checked in on one of them.

I'll start doing that more.

I'll probably still be a bitch....just a little bit more enlightened.

I'll write again if some dumb ass doesn't do something to cause World War III tomorrow.  I'm not sure I'm spiritually advanced enough to send love to Donald Trump.  If anyone needs it, he does. 

Love ya,


S.