The Problem of Binding Spells

Today I am thankful for self-control. 

So....

Over the past couple of years, I've seen countless self-proclaimed witches who cast spells in an attempt to bind politicians.

Why?

Seriously, if you know anything about the craft, why would you bind yourself to someone that you can't stand?

Witches use binding for love.

They are used to bind themselves to other people.

This, in and of itself, is unethical.  It is controlling.  Imposing your will on another human being is just, plain flat out wrong.

I can imagine that love binding spells create stalkers.

I've never cast such a spell.  I had a stalker; a guy would lie to his family and they followed me around for years.

It destroyed my life.

You NEVER want that.

*****

There are people who will claim, well......that they want to bind Donald Trump from

pinching women's asses,

taking away abortion rights,

killing Mexicans

and letting businesses cut down all the trees and smother the planet in pollution.

(I never realized how little I pay attention to the liberal rhetoric until I tried to type it out)

I think the general idea is that they claim Trump is a racist, sexist man who wants us all to gag on the emissions from big business.

I don't see him that way at all.  I see him just as I see the Democrats.

He panders to people who squawk loudly and has the most money to give to his causes.

It's the nature of politics.

You have to have a certain level of narcissism to get where he is.

This is beside the point.

There are people out there who think they can cast spells binding Donald Trump from doing what they consider to be harmful.

The problem is that their idea of harmful is going to differ from another group's idea of harmful.

These people are gathering to allegedly cast spells to impose their will on Donald Trump and, most recently, Judge Kavenaugh.

There is a problem with that.

When we bind our will to another person, we join a part of our energy with them.

Why in the world would someone want to attach themselves to someone they can't stand?

I've read some of the spells.  They're laughable.  For the most part, they're nonsensical.

If I have more time, I'll deconstruct a few of them.

Even if they're not real,

there is a danger for the people in the group.

Getting yourself riled up to the point of rage over an idea is not cathartic at all.

It makes us angry.

It makes us prone to use our anger in unhealthy ways.

It takes away our peace of mind.

Cathartic expressions of anger do not do anything to resolve the source of our anger so it is just a waste of time.

If we believe we've bound our will to someone we hate, well, that becomes a part of us.

It's a waste of time.

******
I'll put this out into the universe.

I don't curse people.  I have lit two black candles for unknown people who have tried to break into my house, vandalized my property or sent me threatening messages (both of people have died before the candles burned down of undiagnosed cancer).

I've learned to pray for people.

The final time I did that to get away from my unknown stalker, I prayed that this person did not die.  The candle wax burned into the face of a man who resembled my ex-husband.

He lost his job the very next day.

It turns out he was talking to the relatives who were following me around on a daily basis and was telling them lies about me (e.g. he said he told his mom that I wouldn't let him go to college to get her off his back when she was allegedly hassling him over it).  His family harassed me to help him stay in control of me.  It cost me jobs, leases and other opportunities.  It destroyed my life on a short-term basis.

As an aside, my sister-in-law had a firearm.  She menaced a neighbor with it.  She didn't care about the law (if she did, she wouldn't have done that nor would she have stalked me).  The game changer was when I took a CCW class.  I will ALWAYS believe in the second amendment.  Any politician who believes that women shouldn't protect themselves is delusional at best.

Worse are those politicians who think Red Flag laws will protect people from danger.  Abusive people LIE about their victims to get them into trouble. Getting someone professionally diagnosed with a mental illness (even PTSD over their abuse) is a form of control.  Getting them in trouble with the law is a form of control.  Keeping a victim from protecting herself or her family will help the abuser retain control.

Let me paraphrase what one of the AG Colorado candidates said.  He said something to the effect of knowing that the Red Flag laws will be abused but if it saves one person, it'll be worth it.

If it passes, it'll probably condemn at least one family of four to death or bodily injury.

Getting back to the story, my ex-husband claimed that he had no contact with his family.  He also blamed the police for the GPS tracker on  my vehicle.  Now, I know that he was the one destroying my computers and hacking my phone.

Things are better now except that he's telling everyone that I'm making it all up.  He'll usually accuse me of stalking him when I ask him to help me with the kids or recalculate child support as per our divorce decree.

Yeah....but there is one problem with his story.  The City of Aurora had high priced lawyers depose me for eight hours in June of 2011.  Buried in those deposition transcripts is a downtown lawyer telling me that my ex-husband was fired, in part, for taking time off of work to stalk me. Well, it was phrased more as the lawyer stating the fact that he took time off of work and then posing a question akin to "don't you think it was strange that he kept turning up where he wasn't supposed to be?" 

The City Attorneys must have known what was going on.  It's a shame the police wouldn't help me document it. 

They also revealed some lawbreaking crap at the city that has yet to be resolved.   They fined him and claimed that forcing him to pay the fine was illegal so any cash payment was considered voluntary.  Despite the best attempts of the lawyers at civility, his former boss sent me a scathing email basically telling me he was fired for being fat.

You don't punish a man's wife because he's fat or stupid.  IF you work for the local township and you KNOW that someone is stalking his wife, you confide in the police department.  You don't steal money from HER and then run around in court claiming that she fakes heart attacks, is over educated and that makes him unmotivated and all sorts of other slanderous bullshit.  IF he's an abuser and you blame her for him getting fired for crap you're making up, he's going to go home and abuse her.

The City Attorneys don't know how much those bizarre lies were thrown in my face over the next eight years.  I won't always be a single mom.  I won't always spend my time writing a fictional blog.

I'll have more time to take on their crap in the future.

I have met other spouses of city employees attacked in a similar manner when talking about the illegal fines.

I wonder how many spouses are beat up over that crap?  I wonder how many of these assaults the police refuse to investigate?

Someday I'll figurately  smack city leaders over their collective head with the knowledge that lying about strangers can put them in danger.  In this case, it turned out that his boss was abused by a man who resembled my ex.  She obviously hadn't worked on her stuff.

On a personal note,

I made the mistake of telling other pagans about it.  This woman crashed her jeep.  I dreamt of the crash.  I heard she couldn't walk.  I had numerous covens praying for her healing after I learned of the crash.  All I had to say was....she's a single mom with two kids and her story made the rounds (without her name or occupation).

Those are my spell stories.

That is why I don't like spells.  I cast those anti-stalker spells when I was very frightened, the authorities wouldn't help me and I was at a loss of what could be done.

They were cast in desperation.  I will say those types of things should always be the absolutely last resort.

We always have more power in this world than in any other dimension.  We should do our best to work with the tools at our disposal: talking, filing charges, getting restraining orders, taking a self-protection course and that kind of thing.

Back then, I wasn't sure who I should get the restraining order against.

The happenings could be a coincidence.  When I cast these spells, my ex-husband refused to leave my home.  We'd been divorced for well over a year.  I lit the candles in the hopes it would cause him to admit to what he was doing or back down.

The deaths or job losses were not anticipated.  The candle lighting was more of a psychological tactic.

I would say, for me, it backfired.  I've spent a lot of time in mourning and regret.

At least the kids are safe.

*****

Yes, you can change things by going into a primal, screaming rage and lighting dark candles.  What you tend to change is your own energy.

You can make yourself a wrinkled, aging, ugly scowling angry person if you wish.

There is another way.

You can fill yourself with peace and wish that for the offending party.

I literally pray for the wisdom of our politicians with white candles, frankincense and myrrh and all the trimmings.

I pray Trump sees the truth of the world around him and learns the power of discernment.  If he's still in the throes of the lesson, I pray the universe (or his God) brings decent and intelligent advisors into his midst.

When I encounter a complete asshole in government, I pray he or she finds a better occupation with more money in which they cannot make laws that hurt other people.

I've seen numerous changes since changing my tune.

Yes, I do need to get myself pissed when I need to start new projects.

Yes, I have to build a website.  This year I've been inspired by two Martins to be creative.  Sadly, neither one of them was a guitar.

Fortunately, the universe has brought amazing people into my world willing to help.

Love ya,

S.

I'll come back and edit this in a few hours.








.

Giving up on Childish Dreams

My personal faux lyric: Bitches keep on bitchin' 

Today I am thankful that I realize that I cannot escape politics.

This thought was inspired by a Longmont councilwoman who threatened conservatives with taking away their rights in a YouTube video

but failed to share how she wants to curtail their rights and exactly how she plans on doing that.

I think she was mad that they stood on a street corner collecting coats for the homeless.

I wasn't there.  I was in school working towards my dream of helping homeless addicts by getting licensed as a drug counselor.

I'm so angry at her words and her lack of decorum that

I'm finding myself toying with the idea of sharing the video around the internet to start her Warhol clock

Or sending the video to a reporter acquaintance in the hopes it'll start a national conversation about what is real.

She's lucky I don't live in Longmont.  I really like messing with people who mess with citizens.

The idiot former city councilman in my town who did that is now a City Attorney.

There are days I miss messing with his head.

Maybe I don't.

His energy was crazy.

I never instigated it.

He did.

He'd rush at me and threaten me.

All I had to do was smile.

I'm a short old lady.

Younger men would always rush to my defense and run him off.

I still don't know why he was so damn angry at me.

I never hexed him either.....

I was tempted.....

but I didn't.

Maybe I reminded him someone from his past that he hated?

Or maybe I wasn't the quiet old woman he expected me to be.

******
My childhood dream was to be a social worker so I could help kids who grew up like I did.

My first job was babysitting for an AA group every Saturday.  I loved it.  The older kids were hyper responsible.  I always had to keep the younger ones busy so they wouldn't get into trouble.

I was fourteen.

Those were the seeds of my dream.

I'm getting old. It's time for me to look at generativity.  I have to give back.  I'm keeping track of the money I owe the government ($1,000 for dental work - $1,200- $1,800 to city taxpayers for a tree removal).  I've got to pay it all back to the taxpayers.

I guess I can forgive the $1,000 the city stole from me.  Now I owe them!

Sadly.....there are people who are reminding me that of my true place in the world.

I keep getting pulled into bizarre circumstances by assholes who want to gut the Constiution.

Or by other assholes who want to play games with home rule.

In the real world,

well....at least in Colorado.....

Municipalities are supposed to make laws that honor state law.  They can make laws that are stronger than state law but they are not supposed to be able to do the opposite.

They are not supposed to buck state law.....

nor are they supposed to buck Federal law.

The city in which I live is.....well....for lack of a better word, is bipolar about it

They ignore Federal law by fining their employees in a manner that violates Federal Wage and Hour Law.

Yes, today I met another former employee levied a cash fine before she was fired.

This should be over with by now.  I've got to hunt down the candidates and see if they about this.

Aurora ignores the 2004 Colorado law against dog breed ban legislation.  They claim as a home rule city they can do what they want.

On the other hand, they claim they have to follow Colorado law when it comes to making it impossible for people to foster pets or get a boarding license.

My confusion is why the Aurora leadership thinks they can have it both ways?

It would seem that for every kind word I say about them, I find ten evil things they're doing.

I want to ignore their crap.

But....

Um.....

I can't.

Maybe I'll post the picture of the piles of dead pit bulls again.....

or the 43 pages of bizarre codes they want to change....

It doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense to me why they won't listen to the professionals in the area.

Oh, and the guy that headed the meeting on 10/17/18 offended quite a few people.  He may want to get some coaching on communication techniques.

He was very condescending and he lost a lot of support by acting better than the people who took time out of their schedules to offer their expertise.

I'm sure that was not the intention.

It was the result.

******
This Longmont Councilwoman reminded me who I am.

She's one of many assholes who've said really offensive, stupid crap this year and reminded me that I need to step up.

I hope to become one voice in a chorus of thousands.  More people need to stand up and say something.

I'm now finding myself wanting to share a video rant she had with a couple of reporters or maybe send it to the ACLU.

I'm not sure yet.

The rats are starting to come out of the woodwork.

It's hard to know what to think.

******
I'm going to have to head off to bed soon.

As you know, I've studied drug addiction for years because I lost my parents to the disease as a teenager.

I had a professor explain things to me I had never considered.

First, it was a foreign thought to me that the war on drugs is a Christian concept.  Pagans throughout time have used substances to get closer to their Gods.  That's strange because Jesus is supposed to be about 'free will.'  In Christianity, it is Satan who wants to control people.

The drug war doesn't fit as a Christian ideal.

My step-father was Cherokee (not like #fauxcahontis).  He claimed his grandparents to be Cherokee hailing from Virginia.  He described a matrilineal tribe.  He described passing as a white man for most of his life due to the shame of his background.

He didn't embrace his heritage until his late fifties.  He'd remind me that government shouldn't be trusted (don't take blankets from them and when you think of doing that look at an Apache tear.)  He told me that children were never left alone on their vision quests (the elders were watching).

He told me about the Great Spirit.

There is too much for me to type in just a few minutes.

He never told me about peyote or drugs.  Somehow, I just assumed that spiritual people often took hallucinogens to go on spiritual journeys.

I never needed it.  Ritual fasting typically did it for me.

I love frankincense and myrrh.  I had no idea that brought on hallucinations.

I have to stop using Catholic incense now.

I've always thought that hallucinogenics were used to help people go on spiritual quests to learn their fate but I was always too busy or too cheap to imbibe.

I'm so sensitive that I cannot even take the Percocet and OxyContin the doctor have prescribed for me after medical procedures.

I don't even fill the prescriptions.

There was a time when I'm pretty sure an asshole put LSD in my Slurpee.  It was a cherry Slurpee.

All I remember is that when I was seventeen, I let myself drink a Slurpee an acquaintance bought me. I saw hallucinations of the founding fathers and Ronald Reagan talking to me in my window.

I couldn't hear what they were saying.

Since I rarely eat sugar, I blamed the sugar.  I never could handle too much of the stuff.

Now, I'm wondering...…

given all the crap going on, I'm wondering if that was a stupid warning of what was to come and what I'd wind up embracing.

Back then, I hated Reagan.

All these years later, I'm realizing that after living through the clownish presidents who followed him, he really wasn't all that bad.

Maybe that asshole who spiked my drink took me on a spiritual journey.

I don't condone it.

Maybe there is a lesson in it.

If spiritual journeys tell us why we were born,

I'd hate to think I'm destined to be a Constitutionalist.

I'd rather help the poor.

Maybe fighting corruption in the government is the best way to help the poor.

I'll have to think about that one.

*****
Perhaps it is time I put away my desire to help the poor and just push forward with doing what I'm led to do.

I pray that Longmont councilwoman comes forward and states what it is she wants to change before someone with clout and a fan base gets ahold of that video.

She won't.  It will be shared.  She will be shamed.  It doesn't really matter who shares the video.  It will eventually make its journey throughout the internet.  Perhaps it could be shared by someone running against her in the future.

Perhaps....one could build a Minds.com and/or Vimeo channel to showcase this kind of malarkey.  It's happening far too much.

I have a channel on a YouTubish website where I would post videos of politicians I caught behaving badly in public meetings.  I wonder if it's still up and running?  I'll have to hunt for that.

If I don't do it,

who will?

I'll look into it.

Doing something will be far easier than having nightmares about it.

She's a symptom of a bigger cancer infecting our nation.

It's time we start operating on the cancer.

Love ya,

S.

Edit Two Days Later:

So.....the Longmont Councilwoman got back to me.  She stated that my sharing the video of her threatening the Constitutional rights of citizens with the press was a threat against her.  She claimed to have reported me.

I'm unsure to whom she could report.

Filing fake reports and pretending to the be victim is often indicative of psychopathy or narcissism.

I'll try to suspend my judgment of her but it would appear that, at the very least, she's not ethical.

I hope she understood that she wasn't clear in her message.  She seems to want to curtail free speech.  In the email I got today, she wants to curtail gun rights.

She probably should go public and clarify herself.....soon.

The email I received reminded me off the emails from the some of the former City Council members in Aurora all those years ago.

The questions where akin to

Who the hell are you?   

(answer: a citizen)

Why in the hell do you care?  

(answer: an empathic citizen)

Why would someone in Aurora care about Longmont? 

(answer: bad policies and bad political behavior have a way of traveling)

and

What do you intend to do about it?  

(answer:  I don't know yet but I'm sure it'll surprise everyone, including myself).

This had a new element, though, there was her obvious game of playing the victim and threatening someone for speaking up in an attempt to silence them.

Sorry.....that game doesn't work.

If you feel threatened and no threat has occurred, you cannot hold your feelings against another person.

Claiming that you can smacks of a common argument people with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder would use.

Thoughts are NOT things.  

People who have no power threaten others.  Playing the victim tears into a person's credibility (it's worse for women).

As a female, I am offended by that game.  We've worked so damn hard to be taken seriously!! Women who play the victim when nothing has happened really nick into that success.

If you're a victim, say something.  Sadly, most victims are in shock and take a while to speak about their experiences.

If someone pinches your behind, say something.  You'll probably prevent something worse from happening.

If someone pinches your ass and you don't know who did it, don't demand the resignation of members of the other party who you feel may have done it.

It's starting to get disgusting.

I'm sorry.  This game is getting old.  This is the third female politician to try that stunt with me (or someone standing next to me at a rally) in five years.  I have great hearing.  I also read body language.

I KNOW when people lie.

Yes, someone I respect played that game in 2013 with a woman who stood next to me at a gun rally.  She claimed to have been threatened by my acquaintance.  There was no threat.  I was right there!!

Ugh...!!!

All of these people have been Democrats!  Weird.....I'm sure women on the other side of the aisle are capable of ruining their reputations, too.

This Longmont councilwoman has inspired a new website.  I'm trying to decide if it should be a journalistic website or one similar to the one I had years ago when I shared the bizarre rantings of people involved in my local city government.

I may not share her email out of concern that she has a possible issue that shouldn't be made public.  There's a little more going on her than meets the eye.

If I find it's a political game, I'll share away*.

****She wrote something else that betrays a mental concern.  She claimed that people at the rally dressed up like politicians and open carried firearms.

My question is.....

well.....

how do politicians dress?

I wear flowery skirts and blazers when I have to give speeches in public.  The other day I went to an event in blue jeans.

Should I attend dressed like Black Widow?  Okay....that's my usual manner of dressing casually....all black clothes and red hair.

I looked at the pictures.  I saw people dressed as bumble bees.  I saw someone dressed as a butterfly.

No one was dressed like a clown.

Why would that mock politicians?

That was weird.

It's unhealthy to assume we know the motivations of others.

Sigh....

I'll remove her name from the blog just because I'm afraid for her mental health.  I could be mistaken but something is clearly wrong here and it's best to be conservative.

The silent majority cannot afford to stand silent anymore.  How many of us can be accused of threatening people?

I wish women understood that the game of playing victim to harass people only works to silence   real victims.

Fakers ought to knock it off.

I should share the video with Fox News -but- it could lead to the email being made public.  That email would only serve to ruin her reputation.

Sigh....

Edit three days later:  *It turns out she's threatening other people in a similar fashion to what she wrote to me.  Her behavior borders on harassment.

Ugh...

It's more than likely not a mental health issue that she has no control over.  It's probably more of a means to control everyone into silence.....

I've going to meet with some creative types in the next few days to come up with domain names.

If I remember, my next blog post will be about why someone who believes themselves to be a witch or a sorcerer will not bind a bad politician.  At first I thought that post would be inspired by crap on the Internet (witches want to curse Judge Kavanaugh and some poorly written Democrat Blue Wave spell that's going round the internet).

Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of having a few less black figural candles.

No, I don't like it when narcissistic/manipulative people threaten me.  I'm not very good at spells to push nasty people out of places where they hurt people with their behavior.

Although it has been said that I am too good at it.  Yes, I have a couple of cautionary tales about it.

I don't really like spell work.

There are far better ways to expose abusive and unethical people.


EDIT THREE AND A HALF DAYS LATER:  Being one of those people who think of obnoxious things to say days and weeks after an insult, I just thought of the perfect comeback.

"If you're that afraid of everyone, I can recommend a good gun club with wonderful self-protection instructors." 

That would seem to be unfair until you realize that these anti-gun politicians often have armed security.

***EDIT FIVE DAYS LATER:  So, I do a lot of research online and I found a picture depicting three people in business attire once of whom is wearing a jacket with one of the lawmaker's names on it.  At least one of them is legally carrying a firearm.

Okay....it's the jacket that has irritated her.  It didn't have her name on it.

I hate to say it.  Politicians are fair game.  It's not illegal to dress as Trump, or a Clinton, or Reagan.

When one says "dress....like a politician", it's confusing.  Most politicians wear business attire.

Politicians dress like insurance agents.  It's boring!  It's all white button down shirts and blue or black suits.

I sold insurance for years. If I were prohibited from wearing suits and white button down shirts, I wouldn't have anything decent to wear!

If you're not wearing a mask or carrying a sign, no one will know who you are pretending to be.  I just assumed people who dress like that at a rally have just put in a very long work day.

Sigh....

At least the politician hasn't quite jumped off the deep end.  That comment had me worried.

*****

I found my dream job.

Take a wild guess as to where it is!

Well....in real life, I look like a clown (white skin, red nose, red afro) and crazy vintage clothes.

I'll be easy to spot if I wind up at City Council meetings.  If I have to move to Longmont, I'm sure they'll be happy people here in Aurora.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

Flirtations at 6:05 am

Today I am thankful for the realization that public transit forces me to socialize. 

The worst thing about living one's life in the havoc of challenge and despair is that one becomes self-absorbed.  The focus is on solving one's own problems.  There is little energy or time for other people. 

Taking the bus for 2.5 hours per day is teaching me that maybe I'm taking on too much.  

I can't figure out how to fix the mess I'm in.  I think my ex lost his job (could be wrong...but I don't think so).  I can't figure out how to solve the financial issue yet. 

The answers will come.  I'm just not so sure two jobs and school are wise.  

There is another issue with public transit. 

It reminds me of my first love.  In fact, ten years ago, he confided that he also had issues with riding the bus because it reminds him too much of me. 

It's probably the smell of engine lubricant, dirt and vomit that stir up the memories.  

I'm so sorry....so, so sorry.  

I've been riding the bus for nearly a month.  

There are truly a lot of lonely people out there longing for a connection.  

We get to know people that we see every day.  

That guy that walks his Siberian husky at 5:00 am.

The old guy on the corner who likes to gossip (haven't seen him in two weeks, so I'm getting worried). 

The homeless guy who rides the bus on Saturday morning with his backpack. 

The bus driver who lets you sit on his bus during his breaks while he reads sci-fi.  He calls me "special one." I'm sure that's because I'm a little silly.  I can't figure out the bus routes so I often wind up looking confused.  He laughs about how I saunter up towards the bus, even if he's running late because he's waiting for me. 

I've learned to speed up my pace. 

There is a really adorable man who would always say hello after being dropped off at the bus station around 6:05 every weekday. 

We would always exchange our hellos. 

They've morphed somehow to....

my saying "have a great day!" 

and him saying "you too, beautiful." 

I'm old.  I don't hear it very often. 

*****

I try to avoid men because I don't feel good about myself. 

I feel old....

and saggy and baggy.  

I know I'm a good person. 

I'm just not.....pretty or hot. 

The very thought of dating is bizarre. 

I can flirt but that's about the end of it.

Something must happen when one is celibate for a long time - sex and romance becomes a foreign concept. 

It is that for me.   

*****

I have a favorite guitarist.  

He's not famous. 

He's local. 

We went to high school together. 

Years ago, when things became scary in my life his wife offered to teach me to sing.  

I adored the pair of them. 

I'd go to their gigs to cheer them on until the stalking started to get so bad it terrified me. 

Today he reached out to me because they just divorced. 

He is very hurt.  I can feel it.  

I don't know what to say....

or what to do....

except listen.  

It's heartbreaking. 

I'm sad and finding myself wondering what the point of love is if people wind up feeling so hurt at the end. 

A young man at work is studying psychology and he asked me to come up with a list of rules for love.  I can't remember what I wrote.  

They were along the lines of 

1.) Accept your partner as is....you can't change him 

2.) Take care of you.....(s)he can't read your mind....it's cruel to expect someone else to parent you 

3.) Open and honest communication - always - no secrets, ever!  

4.) Always take time to be present for your partner....try to do positive, fun, exciting things with your partner so (s)he pairs positive experiences with your presence.....always be there in times of crisis, too so the person doesn't feel abandoned. 

There was another....I don't remember what it was.....

Maybe all of that is crap - 

Perhaps romantic love doesn't exist. 

It could possibly be that it doesn't exist for me.  

Maybe some of us are meant more for a more platonic type love.  

It is more to ponder. 

******

So that is the thought that I'm ending the day with as I try to get a couple of hours of sleep.  I have to be at work in six hours. 

My commute if 1 hour and fifteen minutes long. 

Someday things will change.

I hope so.  

May your life be happy and loving, 

S. 

28 Days Without A Car

Today I am thankful for being resourceful. 

The kids and I have been able to live full lives despite not having a car.

We have our groceries delivered.  I order the small things we need on Amazon, Victoria's Secret and Blair (they sell geezer clothes).

I've learned to avoid Instacart.  $149 sneaky yearly fee?  No thank you.  King Soopers and Sprouts use their service.

The delivery man for Safeway is kind.  Their delivery fee is only $3.99 if I let them have a 4 hour delivery window.  It's not like I'm going anywhere.

I like Walmart's delivery service but they don't let you tip the drivers.  That breaks my heart.

I'll stick with Safeway.

The problem is that my car is so old that my mechanic is having trouble getting parts.  He needs to rebuild the transmission himself and is waiting for the ball bearings.

This might go on for a few more weeks.

Sigh....

My job search is on hiatus.

I have an interview with a California doctoral program tomorrow morning.

I guess I can live like the liberals live for now.

*****
I still talk to homeless people at the bus station.

The government gives them free cheap phones but they don't stay charged.

I still think I should invest in a bunch of solar chargers to give away.  I tried to buy some at wholesale but I'm really having trouble trusting the cheap Chinese crap on eBay and Amazon.

Some of the descriptions trip me up.

I was looking for a sterling silver pendant for a ritual and kept coming across descriptions that read

.925 sterling silver alloy

If it's an alloy, it's not sterling silver.  It would be worthless for the rituals.

I'm finding myself distrustful of many listings on those websites.  Once I get my car back, I can head over to Microcenter to see what they can do for me.

If I buy a box of solar chargers, can I even trust that they'd work?  I'm reading horror stories about the return policies.

*****
For the first time in twenty years, I'm feeling my fibromyalgia diagnosis.  I am in tremendous pain that keeps me up at night.

I'm trying so hard not to go to the doctor.  I don't have insurance and I know that Medicaid will pick up the bill.

I'm not sure they can do anything for fibromyalgia except prescribe Lyrica.  The symptoms started when I was bit by a tick in 1994.  I tested negative for Lyme disease.

Back then I slept about two hours a night.  This is why I started a graduate program focusing on psychoneuroimmunology.  Now a program like that would be called Behavioral Health.

There was a theory, back in the day, that fibromyalgia patients didn't get enough REM sleep.  I'm a hypnotist, I can easily put myself into a Delta state.  I haven't really taken the time to do that recently.

Perhaps it is the lack of deep sleep that's causing the problems.

I don't understand Medicaid.

Let me tell you the story of a dental cleaning gone awry.

I had scheduled a cleaning.  I was in a lot of pain and thought a cleaning would help improve my job interview confidence. I had a habit of hiding my mouth when I spoke.

Medicaid kept denying the service.

I thought about a credit card.  I mean, how much can a cleaning be?

$100 at most?

Maybe I could sell something to pay it off.  Yes, I maxed out my credit cards on legal fees to the ex and paying school fees for the kids.  I will get a home loan once I find a real job.

Well...last week, .I got a call stating that my cleaning was approved.  I get to the dentist office and find I had a $307 copay.

Well...it turns out that the dentist wanted to cap my front teeth.  When I was seven, my mother used to smack me in the face a lot.  My front teeth were 60% broken; I still had the outer outline of the top and sides of each tooth but the sides facing each other were horribly chipped.

Every smile was a reminder of the hell that awaited me at home.  My mother died when I was fourteen.

Three months after her death, a kind dentist fixed them for me by filling them in with composite.  He charged me $12.

This dentist changed my life.  Bullying in my life ceased.  I modeled for a short time.

My graduate thesis was on the importance of dental care in one's confidence (you can actually find it on Google Scholar of all places).  Another dentist actually heard my story and knew who the dentist who helped me was.  He is still alive but he's been retired for many years.

Every five years or so, I'd have to have them refilled.

It is hard now not having that reminder of human kindness in the mirror every time I smile.  I'll get over it.

My teeth look very much different now as they temporary caps on them.

I, being a big shot, walked to the dentist.

After the procedure, I walked to the grocery store with my mouth still numb.  I was unable to talk.  I had to wipe my face every few minutes to wipe away the blood and the slobber.

It was funny when I lost my phone and a clerk had found it and asked if it were mine.

I couldn't enunciate the word "yes."

That was embarrassing.

I bought far too many groceries and wound up schlepping them on my back for the mile long walk home.

I swear, I must have looked like Quasimodo with rabies that day.

Or maybe a sickly vampire.

Sigh.....

That must've been a sight to see.

It appears I owe the taxpayers another $1,000.

There has to be a way to pay it forward.

I do regret getting my teeth capped.  They're bleeding.  They've never bleed before.  I can feel the teeth shift in my mouth.

Well....

hopefully I'll heal soon.

I hope I didn't re-trigger my TMJ. I'm finding all of my joints are popping since the day at the dentist.  I'm sure my jaw impacts my neck, which impacts my spine, my hips, my knees and even my feet.

I put in an order for foot care braces and knee wraps on Amazon.

*****

Part of the reason I drive older cars is that I rarely get injured in them.  I used to drive Mercury Lynxes (what is the plural of Lynx?...why don't just call them what they are - off brand Ford Escorts).  I had two crashes in them and I was severely injured in both.

The first crash in 1998 gave me TMJ and a bad hip that goes out of joint every few months.  I have to manually put it back into place now.

The second crash in 2001 caused me to lose 1/4" in height and shifted some of my internal organs. It was a head on crash with a woman who decided to make an illegal left turn in front of my car.  The car only had 50,000 original miles on it.  The insurance company, State Farm, claimed the car was only worth $500 (of course it was worth so little after their insured crashed it) and my injuries only worth $7,000.

The surgery I need will cost far more than $7,000 even with insurance.  Of course, I don't really have six weeks to heal from a surgery (never have had that kind of time) but I'll have to do something soon because I can't tolerate the condition any more.  My ex really wouldn't cooperate with my injuries or illness as he had back pain which always took precedence over my medical concerns.  He became incredibly abusive after this accident and, for a while, blamed a possible head injury.

After a visit to a neurosurgeon, I learned that there was no head injury.   His therapists were never seeing him for very long.  I even sent him to people I KNEW were good.  When one asked for the funds to pay for an MMPI due to suspected NPD, I understood what was going on.

Health insurance doesn't cover personality disorder testing and/or treatment because those disorders are fixed.

I can't diagnose him.  My suspicion is more of a covert type of narcissism; these are people who play the victim and the rescuer in public but expect to be catered to in private.  These are the kind of people who will pretend to be homeless and alcoholic so they can get out of child support and alimony.  All narcissists are known to stalk but covert narcissists can be more dangerous because they are sneaky and hide their intentions.  Overts don't typically care who knows what they are doing.  Coverts do.

There is a third possibility.  It is said that severe trauma and stress (such as PTSD from war) can cause a person to become incredibly self-absorbed but I don't know what the trauma would have been.  Thinking back, he was always off.  When we met, he criticized me because he didn't like how I said the word "herb" with an h sound and went off like a nut-job.  I had to grab a dictionary to show that both were accurate before I ushered him out the door.

I was an orphan.  I learned to talk from BBC television.  The British say the "h."  He should stick a sock in it.

He also went nutty when my two year old had an errant toenail clipping in the tub.  He didn't live with me.  Why did he care?

Of course, there were the numerous threatening telephone calls from his family before we even dated.  I had never met some of these people.  I should have sent him packing in 1992 when he refused to talk about it.

I couldn't control his behavior.  I can control what I drive and minimize the chance of injury.

I decided it was worth the money to pay more for gas in order to drive a sturdier car.  It seems to have helped, I've had a couple of crashes with no injuries (knock on wood).

I'll keep my older tank.

******
I'm just checking in....

and letting everyone know I'm still breathing.

Maybe tomorrow I'll share insight from a stalking victim (maybe....).  Someone taught me today that the medical and psychiatric establishment doesn't take it seriously.  I cant go into it too much.

There are procedures for people who experience rape.  There are procedures for people who are being abused domestically.  There are no procedures for someone who has just experienced an obvious stalking event.

Stalking feels like a very long rape. Sadly, it's up to the victims to collect the evidence and go to the authorities.  It can be very disabling not to be heard.  Stalkers, especially when they start infiltrating your home and work life, know where you are!  It truly undermines one's sense of safety.

Truth be told, for confidentially sake, I cannot go into the issue very far.  It may have to be a topic of research for an article using anecdotes from people who wish to share their stories.

It's sad that people don't understand that stalking is a form of domestic violence in many cases. It hurts me to meet other people in the throws of stalking victimization and to have people who are supposed to help them blow it off.

I wish I were the only person with that experience.  Yesterday I discovered, yet again, that I am not.

This person is not someone I can advocate for because of the circumstances in which I have met her.

Sigh....

Love ya,

S.

Dear Trump:Stop Spamming Our Phones

This must be liberal hell. 

Today I am thankful for funny knee jerk reactions. 

As of this writing, I have two paid jobs.  A single mom has to do what a single mom has to do.

Yes, the government gets on my nerves.  The government, apparently, gives free lawyers to deadbeat dads.  Custodial moms have to pay lawyers to try to enforce court orders while deadbeats get free lawyers, housing, food and all sorts of goodies.  I'm now $10,000 in legal debt....thanks to the State of Colorado eating up the ex's lies.... last December, they claimed he was homeless and sued me to drop child support.  This year he refused to share his 2017 income tax information with me as per the court order.  If he were homeless all of last year and made no money as I was told,  I'm sure his tax statement would reflect that.  I know he filed.  He won't share the information.  I'm realizing we were all duped but that's another story for another day.

It just goes to reinforce my distrust of the government.  The government isn't very conscientious.  I have a hard time trusting them.  

In addition to attention post graduate classes, I have two jobs and am trying to get into a doctoral program. 

The first job is in a call center for a major HMO.  My job is to ask as many questions as needed to determine if the caller is having a medical emergency.  I must have between 3-5 medical emergencies each day.  

I keep my personal cell phone turned to silent so I can hear the way each caller breathes an speaks in addition to what he or she says.   You'd be surprised how many people have heart attack symptoms, bones sticking out of their fingers and/or difficulty breathing and call wanting an appointment for three weeks in the future.  

sigh....

My job is to hear past the fear.  

Since I'm not a nurse, I'm trying to find a new job.  I'd prefer to work in behavioral health as that is my area of expertise.  I took the job because my ex wasn't keeping health insurance on the kids (as he was court ordered to do).  This company promised me health insurance but after a year that has yet to happen.  I'm realizing now that it won't.  The company is losing money so it's not their fault.

When I was hired, they promised to let me finish my classes but now they're refusing to let me take the two days off I need for testing.  I think they are gently trying to usher me out the door.  In fact, I received a termination email effective October 27th.  My boss tells me to ignore it.

I'm looking for a job in a rehab center so I can earn a license as a drug and alcohol counselor. I'm sure they'll let me take the time off of work.

My second job involves hypnotizing people to stop smoking, face their fears and/or grow their confidence.  

I keep my phone turned off so I don't ruin any therapeutic trance that erupts.  It's not a fun sight to see people jump out of the chair.  I can easily put them back into trace but I'd prefer not to waste the client's time. 

It appears that I'll have to keep my phone in the car from this point forward (that is, if I can afford the car repairs.....another story for another day).  

I was on a call with a mother in labor when my phone and everyone else's phone went off. 

Fortunately, I ignored it until I found the woman's midwife and connected the pair.  

I grabbed my phone and expected to learn that a local kiddo (probably white) was kidnapped by his or her non-custodial parent. 

Yeah....in Colorado it appears that only white kids in custody disputes get Amber alerts. I know a lot of Coloradoans are angry when black kids are kidnapped and no Amber Alerts are issued. 

It's a shame I'm too damn busy to press for change.  I'm hoping someone else grabs the ball and runs with it. 

When I saw it was a Presidential Alert, my very first thought was that the liberals are right! 

Trump is a child!! 

One of those looney liberals kidnapped him, didn't they? 

Only white kids get Amber Alerts when they are kidnapped!

I don't want to get presidential or political alerts on my phone.

Unless you're about to press a big, red threatening button - I don't care. 

Scratch that.  Remember what happened in Hawaii? 

I truly don't care.  

Most politicians suck.  By the time they get to the highest office in the land, they owe so many damn favors to so many people, they can't be true to themselves. 

I will probably never like a President in my lifetime. 

Trump....Obama.....Clinton....Bush 2 and Bush 1.....Reagan.....Carter....

they all stink. 

As horrible as they were when they were in office (in 2020 all will be past presidents), 

I don't want any of them murdered or kidnapped. 

I don't like them.  

I don't trust them.  

I don't want them harmed. 

On that note, I don't work for the secret service so I don't care what the heck they want.  If they leave our taxes and our Constitution alone, they can do as they will.  I don't care.  

My job is to focus on the people I'm speaking with.....not some politician's petty, narcissistic demand for my immediate attention. 

Hijacking a nation's smartphones is childish and it is truly petty.  

I wonder how much NGP was wasted in that one moment? 

I don't buy all the talk about it being for safety.  That "test" was for show pure and simple.  

*****

I'd truly love to write a book about narcissism and how it is a mask that insignificant losers wear when they know they are worthless and shameful.  

Maybe.....someday.....

That thought is why one cannot take anything that this person (or any national level politician of any political stripe) seriously. 

My advice to the Trump Administration is to NEVER, EVER send another TEXT message out to the entire national again. 

As Amber Alerts are reserved for children (white children, sadly), it only reminds us of how childish the administration is. 

It is incredibly distracting and irritating. 

It makes me want to waste my next vote on third party candidates (which, by design of the two party system will help Democrats win). 

Republicans take heed; rein in your nutcases both local and national or there will be a blue wave across that nation.  

As far as I am concerned, too many Republicans act like Democrats.  I mean our Constitution and ability to protect ourselves is at risk by both parties.  It matters not who wins.  

Sadly, I'm not the only one who feels this way.  

Love ya, 

S.