Happy Samhain

Oh, this is a new song from Danny Elfman.  I think I've unintentionally turned a bunch of teenagers into his fans.   Gotta share...

So much happened today.  

It's not anything I feel comfortable sharing. 

So, I'll just happily report that I'm sleeping. 

 I am thankful that the dreams have changed. 

The dreams look a lot like the Helix Nebula with a set of blue eyes in it. 

No face....I can live with that.  Lots of people have blue eyes. It could be anyone. 

It's peaceful. 

Let's hope the peace continues. 

****

After all that soul searching, I have decided to let go of one thing per week that keeps me unavailable. 

Yep - 

The nightmares have now caused me to lose 15 pounds without trying.  The problem with losing weight to damn quickly is that one needs to get toned. I'd like to lose another twenty pounds so I can get rid of my entire wardrobe and start anew.  What I need to do is carve out time to dust and use my home gym.  

I'll begin to let go of the stagnancy and the weight the first week. 

Then, I'll work on hypnotizing myself to stop talking in my sleep because that is flippin' embarrassing!  

Maybe, I'll finish that vanilla book on making guys sing that third week. 

I should probably get a haircut.  I don't do that because mask Nazi's freak me out.  My hair looks - bad. 

There is one thing I'm going to struggle with, though. 

I have a slew of fake wedding rings that I have worn since 2007.  That was the year my ex-husband came home from a family funeral, called me his ex and referred to ME as Mrs. [old friend's name]. 
That broke my heart.  I never knew if that was in response to the gossip from his cousins and friends who went to school with me and that blast from the past in the 80's.  It could have been in response to a very horrific nightmare that led me to cast numerous spells to keep my old friend away from me. 

Yeah - I hated the dreams where he was hit by a semi and killed.  I'll never tell anyone the content of the dreams that I thought were far worse. I was trying to convince myself that - well.....some things were never going to happen.  The spells can't be broken because I was very creative in how I disposed of the wax at numerous construction sites in Colorado.  The wax sits under numerous buildings throughout the state. 

After all of that effort, the spells only worked for a year.  I think they could be responsible for our inability to communicate. 

Just think of it as my helping someone dodge a bullet. 

Sigh....

Calling me that name was too much.  I gave up on trying to save the marriage. I didn't want to deal with men at the time so I wore rings to ward them off.  The rings are fun. Some of the rings are obnoxious.  Some are believable.  Last night, half asleep, I ordered a huge white sapphire heart ring from Germany.  I want to wear it for a couple of weeks before I stop my habit of chasing guys away.  Today I'm wearing one that reminds me of Star Trek. 

When I was on television, I wore one plain silver ring on my left hand.  It was my favorite fake. 

People at work want to meet the partner who buys me a lot of sparkly jewelry.  I just tell them the truth. There is no one.  The rings prevent complications and keep me available to work any shift needed. I'm thankful they're not pushing me into online dating.  They probably know how mean I am. 

The jewelry thing is going to be the hardest thing to stop doing. 

I'll keep this is a running list of goals.  

Maybe cosmetic surgery?  

Maybe try to actually make $100,000 a year (that would mean not helping people without money). 

I don't know. 

There are some things that aren't me. 

I think I'll be busy for the next six weeks or so. 

Maybe self-improvement will do me some good. 

Besides, I think I need to find someone else to dream about. 

Sigh....

I hope you have a Happy Halloween. 

Mine will probably be spent with people in recovery and in prayer trying to fix my malfunctioning heart.  

The Day of The Dead is the holiday I'm prone to celebrating.  Most Pagans have a ritual where they leave a plate of dinner undisturbed for those they've lost.   

My family never liked my cooking so I just leave them flowers.  

I've only had one or two supernatural experiences on November 1st: The weirdest one was when I hallucinated hearing my ex-husband's deceased uncle telling me to drive his niece to a hospital close-by.  I  happened to be driving his niece around to visit the graves of her deceased relatives.  I did exactly as I was told.  My friend and I met her mother in the emergency room entrance, she was having chest pains.  

This is why my former in-laws are scared of me. 

No good deed goes unpunished. 

Have a spooky good time. 

For someone like me, every day is Halloween.  

Love ya, 

S.   

Edit: 12:50 p.m.  


Fell asleep at 6:00 a.m. - stayed awake wondering what kind of monstrous dreams I'd have.  Woke up at 9:00 a.m. - tried to meditate - must've fallen asleep. 

There was another dream.  It was incredibly sad, sappy yet beautiful  I think I'll grab one of those journals I used to write the dreams in and record it there*. 

Basically, it was someone correcting my stance on love and fear. Apparently, I value fear over love and believe that visually oriented men value beauty over unconditional love (hate to be rude but....men want what they want). 

I woke up shaking and crying.  

Still, I'm thankful I was able to sleep.  Now, I'm off to go play with the children of teenagers in recovery dressed up as a raccoon.  I had a very young coworker put trash outside.  She was seen chasing a raccoon away from the garbage.  I gotta pick on her a little bit.  

May you get the kind of candy you truly want, 

S. 

Edit: 2:10 p.m. 

Crap, I think those were the journals I destroyed last week when I began to throw out everything from the past.  I'll make an unpublished post.  If it happens, I'll laugh about it and show it to him when he doesn't believe me.  A certain person will eventually come back and school me on my dimwitted behavior before leaving again for years, even decades at a time. Each visit is much more painful than the last but at least it is confirmation that he is alive. 

It's the nature of our relationship. 

Yeah - I guess I'll order a birthday gift, too.  If I don't get to give it to him, someone else can do it at a school reunion. 

((( hugs ))) 

S. 

Must've Passed a Spritual Test

 

Today I am thankful for lucid dreaming. 

I still dreamt of my former friend last night.  

I was walking on a street in my hometown, past the acoustic guitar shop with the rude owner and across the street from the gun shop.  He was in the dream walking towards me.  

I remember thinking "we're living in Covid land and have to stay six feet apart. Woo Hoo!" 

There was no eye-contact.  I remember wearing hideous pink tennis shoes and blue jeans.  In the dream, I just stared at my shoes as I walked past. 

Then I awoke. 

The candles were burned out.  So, I got out of bed and relit them - wishing for someone else's happiness. 

I fell asleep. 

I dreamt of the Goddess Lakshmi putting a garland of flowers around my neck. 

Maybe I passed the test? 

There was a message in the dreams  I'm a Lirio de Los Valles (Lilly of the valley).  This is a flower that blooms best in the darkness.  Could be why I spend so much time with people down on their luck. 

*****

You know, to be completely honest about this, I'm a little creeped out that this guy shows up on my eldest daughter's Facebook 'people you may know list.'

They've never met.  He's not my Facebook friend. 

I don't know if that's his actual page and he's too afraid to ask me about math -or- if my stalkerish ex-husband made a fake account by copying his Facebook page to scare the hell out of me.   Either way - I'm a little disgusted by that. 

I left her dad after he Hendrixed the bass my daddy gave me for my sixteenth birthday.  I didn't leave soon enough though.  He put me in the hospital a week later.  I almost died of a subdural hematoma. 

I'm going to tell you this was the shortest marriage ever!  

I remember that he called most of my friends and family asking if I left him for good.  My aunt asked if the Steinberger was at the house.  He said 'no.' 

She told him that this is how they knew when I left my uncle's house as a teenager to move out on my own, the basses were gone. 

This guy refused to sign the divorce papers for over four years, though.  I left EVERYTHING behind except the ukulele grandma gave me when I was two, basses, saxophones and art. I didn't want any alimony or anything. 

For about fourteen years after the divorce, he'd try to push me into his car and have sex with me.  It never worked out for him. 

This is why I love to wear 5" heels.  They make it easier to kick asshats away. 

I'll never understand men who hate women wanting to hang on to them. 

This seems to happen to me too much. 

Maybe I understand it all too well.  Love and hate are part of the same experience.  If we do what they want, they love us.  If we don't, they hate us. 

Life isn't a popularity contest. 

I think about the insecure men who didn't want me to do the things I wanted to do because it took attention away from them so they meddled in my work.  

Then I wonder.....maybe I didn't date male humans: Maybe I dated cats? 

I am a big believer in karma.  I am absolutely sure that these guys have dated controlling women who wouldn't let them follow their passions.  If so, I wonder how much the world has missed out on if their contributions were muted? 

It's something to think about.  

****

As far as the star of my nightmares, I'm very good at loving at a distance. 

I'm good at forgiving but not so good at forgetting. 

It was good to remember why I hesitate around him. 

I fear being controlled to the point of becoming someone else. 

How does one overcome the bad stuff? 

With these guys, I think it's about the good/bad ratio of memories I have with them. 

That horny rancher from Washington State, ugh - I find it hard to do anything for him.  I'd walk a mile in a blizzard for his poor wife and his other daughter.  Him - not so much. I'll leave him out in the cold. 

The man in the dreams, I don't know what he's going through.  I'll pray for him but I don't have any real recent memories of good stuff that isn't heavy. 

That could be due to the stalkers my ex-husband sent to crash the last visit we had.  

Still - there is a huge disconnect between this person when we are alone and who he is online and around other people. 

It's possible that I continue to embarrass him because I'm not a meek little woman.  

Or that hotter women want him.  Somehow I get the impression that he has money.  Don't know if it's true.  I really don't care.  I have always tried to steal the check when he invited out to lunch (and won a couple of times, too).  I miss that game because he seemed genuinely disappointed when I won.  Sometimes he'd let me buy tiny things when I lost the game. 

Money can be a curse. At least he knows that he was lovable when he had nothing. 

My currency is creative energy.  If you freak me out or cause me stress, I can't be the artist I am. 

My creative endeavors help me make money and solve problems. 

*****

As the millennials say "You do you." 

Maybe someday I'll find someone who will let me be me. 

Or maybe I can adopt the next stray cat I find in the streets. 

Let's see if this realization ends the nightmares. 

Soulmate, twin or whatever - there will be other lifetimes.  Maybe next time, music won't exist and people won't try to destroy those among them with the least.  Maybe we will reincarnate as dung beetles or rabbits.

Under those conditions, I'd probably have nothing better to do than [censored] all the damn time. 

Praying he finds his happy. 

Praying that you do you. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Painful Meditations of An Undead Connection (with edit)

10:30am

 Today I am thankful for vertigo and inspiration. 

This morning, I awoke with vertigo. I tend to get vertigo when I'm fighting two conflicting thoughts within myself. The first time I had that experience was August 19, 2008.  I was physically embraced as I stood near the train tracks in my hometown by a spirit from the distant past who smelled like valerian. 

He said I "was still pretty."  At that moment, I felt love and energy emanate from him.  The conflict went round and round in my brain. I still love him.  This is wrong.  I still care.  This is wrong.  Wow...I'm not a cold prude.  Oh, hell NO. This IS wrong.  Love doesn't die even when it's wrong. 

Oh, shit!  At least he's still alive and his leg isn't broken. This isn't what I signed up for. It is wrong! 

It went over and over in my mind until I made myself dizzy and could barely stand. Thank goodness someone was holding me up.  I don't know how I made it home.  

I popped some valerian on the drive home. At least we have ONE thing in common. 

I was hospitalized due to the vertigo a couple of days later. If you can't drink water without vomiting, you get dehydrated. 

For me, vertigo is a conflict between wanting to fall and standing my ground. 

I barely stood my ground. 

This has played itself out a couple of times since that day. 

The nightmares cause vertigo, too.  

*****

Last night, I slept four hours. I fell asleep weeping to the point of hyperventilation.

The dreams have to stop.  I can't take it anymore. 

Last month, I paid an Irish witch in the homeland to cast a spell to help me find a new love.  She sent me a talisman. 

I received it yesterday. 

I'm terrified to touch it because I now fear what it will bring to me.

It can't be touched until I stop having these dreams. 

Still...there is a huge possibility it will bring me a soprano saxophone - just saying. 

*****

I'm looking at this adorable little silver charm, wrapped in tape, afraid to unwrap it while thinking about having an energetic connection to a man who hates me. 

How can I break the chain? 

I'm praying and crying. Why do I feel this?  It's really hurting me and it is causing me to feel stuck. 

It makes no sense.  Why would I feel the energy of someone who can't stand me? 

Maybe I do that as an excuse to be alone. 

That's probably what is truly going on. 

How can I make this go away? 

I cried so hard while begging to make the feelings, the nightmares and my worries stop. 

When I saw his parents' grave, I told them about the nightmares and I promised them that I would pray for him.  I promised to keep my prayers pure and - get this - I even promised to go to a legalistic Christian church when the nightmares stopped and I knew deep in my heart he was okay. 

That's what his parents would have wanted. My feet will possibly burn the moment I step on to holy ground but a promise is a promise. I'm a person of my word. 

I started to get a headache due to the crying.  I couldn't breathe.  The pain became so bad that there was no choice but to close my eyes.  

Guess what I saw? 

Ugh - 

I had to open them again. 

I had a vision of him looking at me.  In my mind's eye, he seems to have very dark black hair now. His skin is pale. He looks stoic and unwell. 

What the hell? 

Both my heart and mind are broken. 

Or maybe this is early stage dementia? 

Yeah....that's possibly it. 

I laid there, with eyes wide open, for hours until I realized I was dreaming.  The last time I looked at the clock it was close to 6:00 a.m. 

*****

The coven will cast a spell to heal my heart the day of the full  blue moon (Halloween, no less). 

I must be cursed to love someone who hates me. 

Why? 

It's probably safer to ruminate over someone who hates me than take a risk to date someone who might break my heart. 

****

There is more - 

When I meditate, I feel peace. 

This is the way I feel when I'm alone with my old friend.  In person, I don't sense hate or disgust from him. I sense a little irritation at my inability to understand what he is not saying. 

I only sense hatred in our online communications or lack thereof. 

Maybe that's the problem? 

Maybe I ought to stop meditating. 

I don't know. 

He outgrew me when we were seventeen. 

The dreams are insane. 

What the hell is wrong with me? 

What is my subconscious mind trying to work out? 

*****

Last night, there were horrible nightmares.  I dreamt of fire.  I dreamt of brimstone.  I dreamt of him dressed as a soldier conducting a scorched earth campaign.  It didn't matter who was hurt.  It didn't matter who died. 

All the while a stupid, sappy 70's era love song about how hard it is to see someone you've gotten over, played in the background like an unfortunate soundtrack. 

I think those visits with him broke my brain. 

I also dreamt of him at my gravesite.  He's asking about the past.  He's trying to put together a timeline of events based on false information. He writes on a black stone to mark the death of something that truly never existed. 

I don't know what to make of it. 

This has got to end. 

Maybe this dream is my mind's way of telling me that my prayers have been answered and that it will finally stop. 

Please - it has to stop.  I tire of being alone.  I can't be with anyone until these nightmares stop. 

If I scream that name out in holy terror at night, then I have to be alone. 

****

The veil is thin.  Psychic energies are all around but at Samhain they are off the charts.  

Mercury retrograde causes some of us to look into the past. 

None of what I'm feeling at night is real.  

It cannot be real. 

I'm sure some of the confusing emotions I feel are simply due to sleep deprivation. 

*****

I visit graveyards on 'All Saints Day/The Day of the Dead' to visit with the dead. I typically visit with soldiers at Fort Logan National Cemetery.  My parents are buried there.  I have a list of decedents I visit for Facebook and Twitter friends who live in other states. 

Maybe this year, I'll visit my extended family in my home town and buy an extra set of flowers for a couple of angels to ask them, yet again, to watch over their son.  

*****
Oh my, 

This is really funny.  I just learned that I have two hours to put together and give a one hour presentation on praying to let go of things that are limiting our personal expression of life. 

At least I have some inspiration for that.  I'll probably come home and have another good cry.  I love working with people in recovery.  They are very insightful souls. 

See?  The Gods have a sense of humor.  

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit next morning 2:00 a.m. 

Today I am thankful for Charlie. 

Okay, I finally think I have an answer.  I have to feel love for the guy in my nightmares so I'm not tempted to glare at him if I run into him in public. 

This person once dissuaded me from auditioning as a bass player for a band because he said that "female bass players are holes for the band."  I'm shocked I didn't remember that. 

I remember it clear as day now.  This is why I walked away from him.  I'm asexual (back in the day, we called it prude).  Would he really think I'd play that role? 

Disgusting. 

Now, over three decades later, I laugh at this.  I have NEVER had anyone ask for sex from me while playing bass.  Maybe I suck that badly, I don't know.  

Once, I was working with a sound engineer making hypnotic recordings.  I had to run away from him when he told me his equipment was in the bedroom and he asked me to take a seat on his comforter.  His eyes got all watery, he tilted his head and tried to touch my curly red hair.  I took off. 

I was a paying customer.  Maybe he thought himself a pimp gigolo or something. 

I prayed for him to find a wife, he's now married. 

The only time I was propositioned in a band was when I played clarinet for a city orchestra.  A female percussionist was pretty overtly interested.  She'd pout when I wouldn't take her up on her offer to let me service her.  It got so bad, I quit.  It was a shame.  I was the only clarinetist. 

That's it!  

I don't understand what he was worried about. 

This, though, has been a problem for me.  Guys think it's cool that I'm into male dominated professions and hobbies. They think it's cool I can play music.  It's cool that I'm a hypnotist.  It's cool that I'm a counselor and a libertarian activist. 

It's cool until they give me a ring.  At that point, I'm supposed to stop what I'm doing.  The first guy who gave me a ring destroyed my vintage Peavey T-40 because I practiced too much (I think it was stamped 00112 - it was an early copy).  The second guy stalked me and destroyed the computer that I used to make recordings because he was afraid I'd out earn him.  That wasn't hard to do as he wasn't working.   

I don't want to deal with that kind of insecurity anymore. 

Maybe the dreams are telling me that I should only date musicians.  The reason is that they would understand the value of a bass that I can make sound like numerous other basses.  They'd steal it before they'd break it.  Guitars accumulate memories and energy.  For someone like me, they're children. I'd rather it be stolen and given a good home before seeing the wood splintered all over the floor. 

Let's see if this realization stops the nightmares. 

I'm going to slap the hell out of Charlie and sleep with him tonight.  I used to sleep with books but then I started to wake up with papercuts. 

I'm sure that this is what I forgot to remember.  The insinuation that I can't be trusted to play bass without wanting to fuck people around me just irritates the obnoxious bitch in me. 

Heaven help me if I ever see that face again.  I'll probably just shake my head and give myself whiplash.  If anyone knew how prude I can be- it was teenage HIM. 

Geesh! 

Hugs, 

S. 

  

If My Life Could be Distilled into One Sentence

 

Today I am thankful for the ability to laugh at myself. 

I woke up....famished....and ran downstairs to open the refrigerator. 

It was full.  Since I gave the kids credit cards, they keep it pretty well stocked. 

They're health food addicts, too. 

Lots of veggies and fruit, 

sprouted bread, 

Ghee, 

yogurt, 

various types of cheese, 

imagine it and it is probably there. 

Despite the variety, .nothing looked like it would be worth the effort to put into my mouth. 

Then, my subconscious mind came up with this zinger - 

I'm starving and despite the abundance in front of me, there is nothing I want to touch.

This is the story of my life. 

*****

Yes, I've given thought to why I am terrified to date. 

I think it boils down to just one thing - 

It took me YEARS to extricate myself from the mess that was my last marriage. 

I knew his family since I was fourteen years old. 

How in the hell did I miss the toxic, stalking, narcissistic tendencies that ran in that enmeshed family? 

It's hard to trust myself now. 

It's to the point, though, where I'm not living. 

*****

INFJs tend to go into a private little isolated hell when they're depressed and introspective. 

I've been here for the past three to four weeks. 

My friends are worried about me because I'm missing in action short of the little messages I send them for their birthdays. 

Part of me is afraid of what is going to happen when my ex-husband gets the response to his legal inquiries. 

I'm hoping he's done with the harassment piece. 

Just to be sure, I ought to start hunting for a new job. 

I am so damn tired of hiding from the world just to feel safe. 

It's dumb. 

It's a waste of energy. 

Maybe moving to Kansas isn't such a bad idea after all? 

I'd just get lost because there will be no mountains for me to navigate by. 

At least, I won't have all these painful memories triggering nostalgic dreams that freak me out. 

May you always keep your sense of direction.

Love, 

S. 

Covid and the Push to Let Go of Attachments

Today I am thankful that I had the ability to keep my mouth shut when I wanted to educate a guru on reality. 

Honestly, I am very proud of myself. 

I should save my hypnotic rants for people who can stop their bullshit. 

I had a spiritual advisor share that he believes that humanity is supposed to let go of attachments due to Covid19. 

We need to learn to let go of control over our lives, 

relationships, 

jobs, 

businesses, 

money, 

homes, 

food,

and every other worldly commodity. 

I have a problem with this incorrect line of reasoning.  Why make a stupid government decision a spiritual debate? 

We are spirits having a material and human experience.  Why else would we be here in bodies? 

It is NOT Covid19 which is mandating that we let go of everything important to us. 

Divinity didn't do this either. 

The control freaks running our government did this for a cold that has a .004% death rate.  

IT is the GOVERNMENT (most notably DEMOCRATS) who are exaggerating Covid19 and mandating that we give up control over our own lives. 

The people in power are not willing to do the same things, are they? 

Most politicians are wealthy.  We don't see them taking pay cuts, do we? 

Most governments are working to increase taxes, not relinquish control.  

Don't believe me?  Take a good hard look at your ballot. 

People are hurting.  This is the real reason homelessness is skyrocketing.  People have lost their livelihoods. The only freakin' answer the Democrats and Republicans can come up with is to kick the people they put on the streets and exhaust them by refusing to let them sleep because they are chasing them block to block in the cold while stealing their clothes, blankets and tents. 

This is big government putting the screws to the people to see what they can get away with. 

It's time we tell them ' No More.' 

Many of us are hopping mad, too. 

If this doesn't end November 4th, there will be hell to pay.  

Sadly, we may have to embrace the lower vibrations in order to fix a problem in the material world.  Sometimes the only way to fight evil is with darkness.  These flippin' nuts runnin' the government are blind.  We could shine the light on them and they won't see it past their own greed. 

Hate to say it but sometimes the only way to win with assholes is to stoop to their level. 

It may not sound very enlightened -but- acting so high and mighty as to ignore people in power destroying our neighbors is probably the least enlightened thing anyone can do. 

Love ya, 

S. 

1126 Dreams since 2012 (and a game plan)

 

Today I am thankful for realizations. 

I read through this boring blog and found more than one thousand dreams of someone from my past*. 

Not all of the entries were published due to the disturbing nature of those dreams. 

My brain is broken. My heart doubly so. 

There has to be a lesson. 

If I can find that lesson, the dreams will stop.  

They have to stop. 

Today I am trying to clean out my walk-in closet.  I'd take a picture but I'm embarrassed by the mess. 

I have a flute, a tenor sax, a C-melody sax that sounds nasally, 2 clarinets, two bass guitars, an amp, an acoustic guitar, a music stand and so many clothes that I can't fathom how I bought all of them. 

I have boxes upon boxes of high heeled shoes. 

There are numerous porcelain dolls, candles, beads, Christmas decorations, body oils, potions, herbs....

Some of the furniture is ratty and has to go, too. 

There is too much stuff!  

What I need to do is pay someone to take it all. 

My thought process is that the crap I've collected over the years is tying me to the past and causing the dreams. 

Maybe? 

Or maybe it is that I should have stayed with the guy who would ask "what will you do with that?" every time I wanted to buy something stupid. 

Instead, I married and divorced a hoarder. 

When I feel ugly, I tend to hoard dresses, thigh high stockings and high heeled shoes. 

Right now, I'm donating clothes I haven't worn, clothes, shoes or bags that have the word "love" or "bebe" on them and shoes/boots with 5" heels.  I also will thow all out all of my lacy night clothes and underthings. 

Only keeping the boring stuff. 

I want nothing even remotely romantic. 

If anything reminds me of love, it's going to either the dump or Goodwill depending on whether or not it still has tags on it.  

*****

I'm feeling insane.  

The dreams do not necessarily happen only during mercury retrograde. 

I have them far too often. 

Maybe it is just my subconscious mind's way of keeping me too preoccupied to date. 

What lessons have I learned? 

Since I've spent the past few weeks pondering it.  I've leaved** quite a bit. 

Always be honest about your feelings even if you're scared to death. 

          Your heart is louder than your brain.  It is more intelligent, too. 

         Listen more than you talk. Listen with your whole self, not just your ears.  Hear what isn't being             said.  Try to get in tune with the other person, feel their melody and try to sing their song.  That              will help you find the truth. 

Pay attention to your intuition even when you want to call yourself crazy and ignore it. 

If a guy is saying one thing but his body language says another, pay attention to his eyes. 

If a guy is acting like he loves you, don't try to set him up with the staring blond obviously attracted to him. 

Love won't hurt another human being if you act with a pure heart. 

Truth won't hurt more than holding back out of fear of harming someone: Lies of omission are still dishonest.  

You don't have to be beautiful or perfect to be loved.  

People know what they want for themselves more than we know.  Don't lie about your feelings thinking that it will be good for another person. 

          True love never dies.  It can mutate, change and grow but it never dies. 

          Love is letting someone be who they truly are and want to be. 

          Goodbye is not forever.  People may leave your life but the good ones leave an indelible mark on your soul. 

          If you ignore someone in your daily life, he or she could haunt you in your dreams. 

          Love is wanting the best for another person even if it shreds your heart to pieces.  Just be sure                that you pay attention to what the other person feels is best for him or her.  They know                            themselves better than you do. 

          Leave the past in the past.  People change and grow.  Every day is a new day.  Continuing                       relationships are about honoring the person before you at that moment and falling in love with that new version day after day.   

          Two people will have a unique alchemical reaction that no other set of people will experience.               Embrace it.  No one is replaceable. 

New Lessons: 

The subconscious mind remembers each and every pledge we make throughout our lives. It never forgets.

Fear is far too costly. 

Regret is more painful than fear. 

        

If I figure out more lessons, I'll share. 

I am convinced that if I find the real lesson, the dreams will end. 

They have to end.  They take too much energy from me. Besides, the sooner I figure out what my subconscious mind is telling me, the sooner I can get on with my life. 

*****
I really don't want to irritate my Deities. 

There is a coven who excels at spells to mend broken hearts.  Maybe I should hire them once I figure out the lessons I need to learn. 

On the surface, it seems like a waste of money -but- if it works or if it can create a psychosomatic amnesia, it would be money well spent. 

Love ya, 

S. 

         ** Yeah, another Freudian slip.  I'm a runner.  The word I meant to use is "learned." 

Edit: While throwing out my clothes, I had a funny Tarot reading. It actually resonated. 

The reader started off telling me that I was losing sleep and having nightmares. Long story short, she described how I fucked up years ago by making a shitty choice at a crossroads.  Someone offered me love and I chose to do something meaningless although it seemed important at the time.

((( At the time, it's really all I could do because life was complicated and I was terrified because I didn't quite understand what was going on. )))  

This is the end of that chapter.  I fucked up. It's too late to fix it. 

I feel guilty about fucking up - hence the dreams that have gone haywire since that day. 

It also caused me (and perhaps the other party) to question what we thought was our connection.  This makes it hard for me to trust my instincts. 

No matter....It's over.  It's done.  I can't fix it. 

The reader spoke of a stalker that she called an emotional crazy who will always show up when I'm ready to move on.  

She said that the stalkery emotional crazy was causing me to act like a certified crazy. 

((( Yep.  For years after the divorce was final, his family would watch me on dates.  I stopped dating.  Bring on the white huggie jacket because by doing what he wanted, I rewarded his bad behavior. ))) 

Over the years, I've learned to stay guarded and have developed crazy tricks to keep me unavailable. 

She also said that I have romantic prospects but I'm always turning them down because of the fears surrounding the emotional crazy. 

((( I stay away from men so completely now that all my work is with women. ))) 

The best advice for this situation is to take a spiritual bath to cut off the connections that are draining my energy.  The next time I get an offer to go on a date with a guy I know and actually respect, I'm to accept without making excuses. 

((( Most of the guys I know carry, why am I afraid of weirdos watching us? Maybe I'm more afraid of  hurting someone else like I did in 2011.))) 

((( Besides, it might be nice to have someone give me something more fun to dream about. ))) 

I'm also to take the advice of Bob Newhart. 

This is exactly what I needed! 

 

Stupid Rolo

 

Today I am thankful for rediscovering myself. 

Maybe that is the purpose of the dreams? 

I'll figure it out. 

So, not eating after 9:00pm helped for about four days. 

I bought a huge bag of Halloween candy for work as I took a couple of days off and wanted to make sure the women were stocked up.  There are zero men in my workplace.  It's an all female facility. 

Women NEED chocolate. 

Being dumb, I took one tiny Rolo from the bag and ate it.

That was idiotic.   

****

I staved off sleep until 5:00am.  I had nowhere to go, was stuck at home due to the snow so I slept in. 

It wasn't so bad, this time - just weird. 

It was November 3, 2020 - election day. 

I was visiting a tall faceless man in either a hotel or apartment.

 We were on our best behavior as he had a  toddler with him. 

The child and I were playing.  He was trying to talk me into voting. 

"I do not trust that Colorado mail ballots are counted," I say as I tell him if I bother to vote, I'll go to the local government building to vote in person, "Besides, I know one with a great café.  Wanna go?" 

He agrees so I let him drive me to the local city building.  We stop at the café which used to serve great gyros and all three of us wind up with burned hotdogs and slop.  The kiddo doesn't care as we are still playing.  Holding the child, I try to pay for the meals and my companion tells me that we shouldn't pay for things that were not what we thought we were getting. 

Then he starts making fun of the food. 

The cook starts to look hurt, so I pay for the meals and take a bite out of pity. 

Then my companion starts to joke about the "fake music" I play. This was one of those rare occasions where I actually have a funny retort. I start to laugh and the bread goes up my nose. 

I'm coughing and laughing so hard, the only thing I manage to say is his name.

 

Damn it! 

This is where I wake up.  

Yeah, I am listening to bizarre music.  I'm trying to learn to rap.  I figure I'll probably have to host karaoke parties if I decide to keep my job. 

Can't do it.....AT.....ALL.  

The lyrics are often so absurd, they make me laugh hard.  I literally choke. 

My favorite composer is Cole Porter.  I have a couple of songbooks.  Once I clean up my house, I'll practice some Cole Porter.  

It makes me want to buy another alto or soprano sax, though.  Someday - 

The classics often sound great on sax. 

My instrument collection pales in comparison to what it was when I got married years ago.  

Love ya, 

S. 

Scary Stupid Superstition

Today I am thankful for a good scare. 

(Must be close to Samhain.)  

I talked to an astrologer/tarot reader to try to find a good reason to laugh at the dreams. 

Don't do that.  

It backfired. 

Apparently, if two individuals south nodes are conjuct (sounds like an eye disease, doesn't it?), 

they are allegedly twin flames. 

All throughout both charts, it read like that. 

If that stuff is true, 

that poor soul....

just..... 

that poor soul. 

Imagine dealing with me for an eternity???!!! 

Maybe I've always celebrated the wrong day for his birthday and he's kindly suffered through it? 

I could see that.  

Yeah, that's possibly it.  

If I forgot his birthday then this entire escapade is wrong.  

Even if I have the day right - 

there is NO way this stuff is real. 

***

I wanted a Ph.D. in philosophy.  I love ancient Greek civilization so much that it's become my religion.  I find myself talking about Plato's ideas on morality with patients quite often. 

That twin soul theory that people have taken from  Plato's writings is just.....odd.  

If some poor soul is my twin, I pray he has all of the good parts because I wouldn't want there to be another human being as silly, boring, obnoxious and nuts as me. 

Twin flames can't be real. 

Besides, if they were real and if I had one - he'd help me make the world a better place (at least according to the theory).  

I haven't met any guy who wants to help the homeless and shrink the government's reach.  I've met several who want to shrink the government but those men tend to be the ones harassing the homeless. I've met a couple who want to help the homeless by growing the government. 

There is NO one for me out there. 

Seriously.....there is NO guy out there with the same passions as I. 

According to this astrologer, there is allegedly some type of psychic connection.  

So, when I have dreams of him standing in a house above a lake with a shaky foundation that comes crashing down (like my meditation earlier today), I'm supposed to send positive energy his way. 

I guess she calls that "a tower" moment.  I only dream of him when he's having trouble or incredibly isolated.

It scares me to think he'd possibly have dreams of me when I'm in trouble.  

I hope not. 

If that's true, I best stay out of trouble.  

If there is possibly a telepathic connection, maybe listening to loud music would drown out the thoughts in my head.  I'm bored by the stuff I ponder.  Anyone else would crazy if they had a telepathic connection with me. 

Geesh!  

Anyway, the reader said something about mice in my house. 

I'm off to clean. 

Love ya, 

S. 

P.S.  It was suggested that I get this guy a birthday gift. 

When we were kids, I bought him a bunch of snarky, rude Hallmark coffee cups.  In some of the dreams, I see him drinking from them. 

I have a lot of guilt about that. 

So I started to buy him Hallmark coffee cups with positive affirmations on them.  Those are boring. 

I think he got one of them back in 2010. I put an amethyst in it to help him find a wife. 

He went outside of the restaurant and came back all quiet. 

I later found the gem in the car.  The car belonged to my ex-husband as he had taken my vehicle because it was safer.  I left the gem there for my ex-husband to find a wife. 

Don't think it worked for him.....

I actually found a female red-headed woman interested in me.  Hmmmm - I wonder....maybe I shouldn't have driven the car.  Care to guess her sign?  

Gotta quickly get her a birthday gift, too. 

Anyway - 

Where can I find positive and snarky Hallmark coffee cups? 

I'm not going to post the horrorscopes because - they're too weird. 

Not sure I'd share the horriblescope with him, either.  He knows my birthday and he can pay an astrologer to freak him out if he chooses to do so. 

I'd warn him - Don't DO it!  

Just don't.....

It reads like a B horror movie.  Then again, I think that allegedly romantic violin music sounds like the soundtracks of horror films.  

That happens when people get burned by love too much. 

Mercury Retrograde will end soon.  It only happens three to four times a year. 

It'll be over soon. 

It causes us to revisit the past to see what it taught us.  Maybe if I can figure out the lesson from that relationship, I'll stop dreaming about it. 

((( hugs ))) 

S. 

Woo hoo! : Hopeful About a Solution: It only works when I work it

 

Today I am incredibly hopeful about a way to stop the nightmares once and for all!! 

Yep - 

Those dreams freaked me out so much....

that it was causing me to think about the wrong things far too much.  

There had to be a reason my subconscious mind took me there.  I'll start with the thought process and then the piece of advice I got. 

This morning, my first thought was that I was having nightmares because my energy is all over the place. 

Seriously, I think my spirit animal must be a squirrel. 

Don't believe me?  Watch me at a music shop -or- in the university library -or at an art supply store. 

There is so much do to - so much to learn - so much to draw and play. 

I am ALL over the place. 

For the first six hours of the day, I was convinced that my energy is in so many different places, I could never be in a relationship. 

Then - 

I started to have the opposite train of thought.  I had the epiphany that maybe the problem I and many others have in relationships are the expectations people tend to get about you once they hang out with you for a while.  In the beginning, we're open to doing and learning new things. 

After a while, our partners get irritated when we, say, buy a Sitar and try to learn to play at a time when we are expected to cook dinner. 

Too specific? 

Let's try this.  People tend to form expectations about their partners.  I call this "shoulding all over them." 

Woman should make dinner. 

Men should do all the home repairs. 

People should get married. 

Maybe the problem is that we settle into boring routines based on shoulds rather than things we truly want or negotiate.

This was the thought I was pondering while eating dinner.

Now - 

My name is Siegfred and I'm a workaholic. Covid has made me busier than ever.  In fact, the facility I'm working in opened up in late June so my hours have been bizarre.  The dreams got more intense when I started working crazy hours. 

No matter what, I wake up and hit the ground running.  After the dreams started, my sleep hours became incredibly messed up.  

One thing has never changed.  The only real meal I have is dinner. 

Breakfast is typically Kombucha at 0800.  Lunch is typically a protein shake (or whatever I can find as I'm running for the door around 1500.  Dinner is a salad with cottage cheese at 2359 (midnight). 

Today I worked late and ate at the office.  The janitor came buy and sat down.  

Being polite, I stop munching on my arugula and put my mask on.  We chatted for a bit before I decided to go back to work. 

In broken English, he apologizes for not letting me eat. 

I tell him that no one really wants to eat lettuce at midnight.  

He replies "Yeah, eating this late gives people bad dreams." 

Oh, it's the food!  I've done this most of my life! No wonder I've had this problem forever. 

Of course, bad dreams of this guy would haunt me.  If I had nightmares of the guys who hit me or tried to kill me dying, I probably wouldn't even remember those. 

A childhood friend, that's different.  

If changing my eating habits solves the problem, I'm going to get this young man a spectacular gift! 

I'll have to find a millennial to figure out what a spectacular gift for a twenty something is these days. 

So - 

I'll let you know. 

Wow!!! 

I'm stoked!!  

I literally danced all the way home. 

If the answer is truly this simple, I'm going to feel incredibly blessed. 

This will be life changing!!!! 

Love ya, 

S.  

Next day edit: 

I still felt terrified to sleep but I managed to close my eyes a little after 0400 after shopping for that new acoustic-electric. 

Although, I didn't find one that I wanted to order, I found a guitar tutor. 

Woke up at 0730 and did research for a couple of hours until I fell asleep again. 

There were NO nightmares and ZERO creepy dreams - it was just beautiful, restful bliss. 

I always knew that too much salad would be bad for me.  

just teasing. 

This is awesome! 

If you're plagued by disturbing dreams of an old boyfriend during Mercury Retrograde, fasting does wonders. 

Countdown clock: 28  

I'll pray a general wish for his happiness until I have 30 days dream free. 

May you find an answer to your most pressing problem today, too. 


((( hugs ))) 

10/23/20: 

Countdown clock: 27 

I'm starting to feel like myself again. 

This is awesome! 

Well, maybe not.  I just found seven messages in my inbox from a man convinced we are soulmates. 
Yeah, his birthday is coming up, too.  We had a talk about this over decade ago, he's far too young for me. 

Thankfully, it's Friday.  I'll add him to the list of people who need a miracle.  

It looks like I'll have to start lighting candles for someone else, too. My altar is going to look like an inferno for the next month or so. 

Sigh...

1/24/20: 

Countdown clock: 26 

I did dream of having to choose between two doors - one leading to a mystery surprise and one leading to a mundane life.  I didn't make a choice. 

This is sad.  I'm looking for a new chat app (Duo or Facetime) for my patients. I logged into Google Hangouts to see if it still worked.  Apparently, a certain star of my nightmares tried calling in 2015.  

I never knew. Still praying he's okay.  

Oh, I stepped on the scale and found I lost 12 pounds since I dreamt of the corpse.  I need to lose weight but this wasn't' the way to do it.  On the bright side, I can start donating my wardrobe.  This time, I won't buy anything from a certain company.  The labels could the trigger for the dreams. 

10/25/20 -  1:36am 

Crap, I mindlessly ate a Rolo.  Ugh!!!  Let's test the theory that the dreams are caused by food. 

I'll let you know. 

10/25/20 1:41pm 

Countdown clock: 30 

10/26/20 

Countdown clock: 29 

Not eating at night really helps. 

Purgatory

If I could sing, this is the song I'd serenade to the Space Bass....with a couple of edits to the lyrics.. 

Today I am thankful for laughing at myself. 

Woohoo! 

I had no dreams of creepy stuff, or men or anything like that. 

Countdown clock: 29 

What did I do differently? 

Well, I went to sleep shortly after 7:00 a.m. and spent the entire night listening to vintage R&B and funk. 

Bootsy Collins and his psychedelic pedals, 

Rick James and his jams, 

George Clinton,

Funkadelic, 

Parliament,

Rufus and Chaka Khan, 

The Gap Band, 

Sly and the Family Stone, 

So much funk, so little time. 

I awoke at 11:00 a.m. to the sounds of someone throwing dishes in the kitchen. 

Uh oh....

What did I do? 

I snuck the cat a treat. 

The adult kiddo living here gets pissed off when I do that. 

What can I say?  

That cat is fierce!  As mean as she is, she'll give me those sad kitten eyes and I have no choice. 

She's a hypno-cat!  I betcha she watches all those Milton Erickson videos when I do. 

(okay, I'm just making excuses for being bad.)  

*****

I made some coffee.  Rarely touch it now but on days like today, it's necessary. 

I thought back to the worst days of my life and the one bright spot who would buy me coffee all the time not realizing that a kid who spends his allowance buying you coffee really made a big sacrifice there. 

Then I remembered that I am a horrible partner.  My mind wandered to another ex, who after repeating the marriage vows, quickly told me he I'd make a better "mistress than a wife." 

Then I remembered the divorce, and his trying to push me into the back of his numerous cars for years after that. The last time was October 24, 2005*.  I wish I remembered what I said to him.  It was his birthday and it was the last time I saw his face.  I was pretty irritated at him because he wrinkled my outfit!   

The dreams are my purgatory.  

The dreams are probably why that relationship was so...let's just say...brief.  He destroyed the bass my father gave to me one Christmas morning because I woke up early to practice.  I still have the pieces under my bed with a replacement T-40. 

Then I had this thought. 

Murderers, Rapists, Pimps, Thugs and Thieves don't typically serve thirty-three year sentences! 

When do I get time off for good behavior? 

Maybe I've got to stop being bad. 

Love ya, 

S. 

*It's my birthday party avoidance season. Too many of the guys who ask me out are born this time of year. 

I heard from one this morning.  We had a deal.  If neither of us had married by 2017, we'd tie the knot.. We almost have the same name so people think we're married now.  That's were the joke springs from. We've never even hugged.  

Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to try laying low for a bit. 

Maybe I'll wear one of those wigs after all with some huge sunglasses and a hat!   

((( hugs ))) 

Being an Insufferable Nerd

 

Today I am thankful for Fireball, Benadryl and a delta hypnotic state. 

I have finally found the combination of sleep substances to help me stave off the dreams for about five hours. 

Drinking a couple shots of whiskey and taking two Benadryl seems to help.  

As a child, my mother would give me Vodka and Tab to help me sleep. 

Remember Tab?  I guess it was discontinued recently as per CNN. 

https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/coca-cola-s-tab-soda-has-been-discontinued-its-retirement-ncna1243950

Sometimes I still find it.  I don't drink soda anymore because it makes me sick. 

Sadly, there are times when I drink alcohol.  It is typically reserved for religious rites.  

When I drink for pleasure, my go to is the hard stuff - rum, whiskey, ginger-flavored vodka.  I'm not really a wine, champagne or beer type of gal.  That is what makes alcohol dangerous for me. 

I only have alcohol in the house for religious purposes: The Fireball is for Ares.  The wine is for Dionysus and the Champagne is for Aphrodite. 

There is one problem, though, I'm vain and could never really tolerate sugar.  If I drink, I emerge the next morning swollen with my face and extremities inflamed.  Inflammation leads to wrinkles*. 

It's far easier to prevent wrinkles than it is to obliterate them when they form. 

Worse, when the alcohol finally wears off, I have the dream I'm avoiding. 

Today it wasn't so bad.  

I dreamt of a guy looking like my old friend kissing a woman who looked like me. 

She looked exactly like me - well, except she was paler than I and wore lipstick. She also had thick eyelashes. Her hair was perfect.

In the dream, she actually looked a bit like a vampire. 

I don't wear lipstick because it gets all over the place when I have those rare moments in which I get lucky.  One can get the same effect with a couple of lip pencils and Vaseline.  

I haven't kissed a man in over seven years so I don't remember if it smears or not. 

YIKES - no wonder Aphrodite is giving me dreams of dying in a pool of molten lava. 

This dream gave me a bizarre feeling of relief 

until I looked in the mirror.  

Damn - I think I'm sick.  My skin is incredibly pale, my lips are bright mauve and I'm actually feeling sick. 

Must be the alcohol. 

I'll put away my makeup, fake eyelashes and wigs, too.  

Yeah, I have acquisitions from the days I was hiding from the ex and his family.  

****

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

When I have dreams of the past and go running for the diaries, I think of a scene in Doctor Who in which the Doctor is having an axe battle with a bunch of Vikings (oops - they're not Vikings, their medieval English people and a Dalek - doesn't sound as fun).  

He is intercepted by a creature wanting to take him to visit his arch enemy, Davros, because Davros remembers a kindness the Doctor showed him as a kid.  

I can only find the axe battle on YouTube: 

If I find the other scene, I'll post it.  Here is a video someone made about Davros (the creator of the Daleks). Before going back in time and saving Davros as a child, the Daleks never had a concept of compassion. After saving young Davros and going forward into the future, The Doctor finds the Daleks to know the meaning of compassion which helps him save a friend.  

I wish I could just forget.  Why can't I forget? 

If it were possible to could go back in time and reprogram people who didn't wind up so happy,  I'd be a very busy person. 

Alas....all we have is this moment, right now.  

Enemies - Friends - Frenemies, the label makes no difference.  

Love and hate are the opposite sides of the same coin.  The Master and Davros respect and love the Doctor on some bizarre level. 

The opposite of love is indifference - not hate. 

*****

There are times when I have the dreams of me alone with this figure from my past, I think of numerous scenes in Star Wars. 

Do I really care about this guy? 

Then, it tends to go dark in a hurry. 

Of course, after a few days of pondering the dreams I'll start to get annoyed. 

My aunt gives me the same book every few years for Christmas.  It's a book about so-called Twin Flames (Divine Complements).  In nerd-speak, it's about people who form a dyad in the force. 

Yeah - uh - this has never happened.  I've never heard an unembodied voice tell me to put a shirt on. Thank goodness. 

****

When the dreams get to point I start to miss this person, I think of the wisdom of Spock. 

When he left me in 1987, I decided that I only wanted the best for my friend.  I'm not perfect. I ask myself, would I want my friend to date me? 

Probably not.  

This is how I avoided him when he allegedly came to find me in late 1987.  I'm bad news. 

I make too many mistakes. 

I eat chocolate when I'm upset.  When I'm freaked out, I don't eat. 

My hair is never picture perfect.  

My eyes change color depending on my mood. 

If you look at me and eat a donut, I'll gain ten pounds. 

He wants a pretty lady in public.  

I'm not pretty. 

The last time I saw him, he told me I was pretty. 
I'm not pretty. 
It was a pity pretty. 

My smirk wrinkle is fading.  It's the fact that it comes back when I'm pissed at politicians that embarrasses me.  Ladies don't go charging in the fray with swords.  

I'm not a lady. 

On the bright side, I'm no longer 40 pounds overweight and the ring I couldn't get off of my right hand for a year is finally off.  

That sucker made MRIs very difficult. 

The Freak Out and Cry Diet isn't really very good for me. 

Yes, I do have dreams that not wanting to hurt people and genuine caring are more important than being imperfect.  Still.....I didn't fit the bill when I was young and fit.   

I won't fit the bill at 51. 

Why am I dreaming of this person? 

It makes me feel creepy on some sick, twisted level. 

The dreams also soften my hard demeanor.  No one takes me seriously when I'm kind and cuddly. 

Maybe I need to forgive him for breaking my heart. I know I was messed up because I lost a lot of relatives in a short period of time.  

I know he had to say rude shit to me because it was obvious that I would have to leave him to go to college.  Or stay away from him to deal with the stalking crap. 

The rude shit made it easier to leave one another, whether or not it was meant. 

That rude shit still hurts.  

It seems to have inadvertently taught me that I can't be me and be in a relationship.  I've attracted the wrong kinds of guys after we parted. 

Maybe that is the discrepancy my subconscious mind wants me to fix.  

It's a sign and a signal to play the bass more. 

I broke my nails down to the quick and am hurriedly trying to mask them with fake nails so I look decent at work.

I have a welt on the second finger of my right hand. 

Man, I'm out of practice!  

I also need to bone up on psychopharmacology, too. 

In essence, I need to get back to being my nerdy self. 

*****

Every time I have dreams of this person in pain, 

he is either breaking up with a toxic someone or ready to jump out of plane without pulling the rip cord quick enough. 

I have no clue why I pick up on his subconscious radio waves. 

So - I'll just go with it. 

As much as he hurt me, I'll still pray for him. 

Yeah - people say nasty shit to people they know they have to leave. 

That's probably why he said all that hurtful crap. 

I'm a dolt for believing it. 

I know what will happen if and when I see him again. 

It is what always happens.  We'll visit, catch-up and he'll give me a pep-talk.  I'll give him a pep-talk. 

It'll get awkward and quiet then he'll leave. 

His Siegfred limit is three hours, give or take. 

As sad as I am for saying this, the pain he brings for me when I see him is nothing compared to constant dreams that he's in pain, losing limbs or dying. 

It's always good to know he's alive and doing fine. 

*****

Mercury retrograde will end November 3rd and the effects should stop a couple of weeks after that. 

It's going to be a wild ride. 

It'll be over soon. 

I need a distraction.  I NEED the government to stop freakin' around with our liberties.  I NEED....((gasp))....to meet people. 

I need to throw a party.  

A crazy old woman relegated to her bedroom and afraid to sleep has an awful lot of time to scheme.  Some of those schemes will piss off the old political guard. 

One of these days, I'm going to get angry enough to put the plans into practice.  I'm one of those bitches that take my alleged owners on the walk.  You can hold on to my leash but I'm gonna drag you where I want you to go. 

I wonder if I can find a few dozen women just like me to start a PAC. 
 

It'll end soon. 

It has to end. 

Love ya, 

S. 

* No more Whiskey for Siegfred.  I got tired at 8:00pm and looked in the mirror and removed my mask.  

To my horror, I now have TWO matching smirk winkles (one on each side). 

I'm off to bathe in a vat of glycolic acid.  

I wonder what would happen if I rubbed shrimp on my face?  

Maybe that would be dumb, I'd probably go into anaphylaxis. 

I bet I can find some soy in the house.  Sometimes it's a great thing to be allergic to everything. 

To steal part of a phrase from Dr. Who's Missy, it's just 'cheap and nasty' Botox. 

((( hugs ))) 

Still Lighting Candles for An Old Friend

 

Today I am thankful for prayer. 

The 10 hour candles are burning out in two hours.  

Makes me wonder if my former friend is okay?  I'll go to the store and grab more.  

Should I put some fast luck oil in them?  

What do guys tend to freak out about?  

Money? 

Not enough success?  opportunities? 

Worried about failure? 

Yeah, I don't want to think about anything else going on with him.  Fast Luck oil works for sex and love, too.

That's none of my business. 

Maybe I'll go through the family potion recipes and see if I can find a blessing oil or a miracle one or something. 

I feel a little silly about this but I don't know why the dreams are coming to me.

This guy can't stand me.

Maybe I'm the one person in the universe who owes him the most?  I mean when I was a dumb orphaned teenager and my family were dying off like flies, I seriously considered joining them. 

He force me to get help. 

I owe him. 

****

Still - the last time I had nightmares of him, he broke his leg. 

There was a set of dreams that started November 5, 2005, which began by him driving a car with a woman and they were hit by a semi and killed.  Over time, and after several petitions to my Deities, the dreams changed to him alone getting injured by breaking his leg. 

He sought me out in August19, 2008. I tried to warn him then.  

I tried to warn him again on April 15, 2010. 

He just smiled. 

Yeah, I'm an ex which, to be quite fair, makes me a nutcase. 

To be fair, I am acting like I'm insane. 

When I met him on January 11, 2011,  

he had a cast on his left leg. 

So - 

This time - I don't want to hear of ANYTHING bad happening to him.  

Nothing.  

I'm going to try to change the course of the dreams.  

I'll light candles 24/7 until I go thirty days dream free.  

I have to start the countdown tonight at 30 due to the dream of him this morning. 

This is possibly an exercise in fixing my bad karma with this person.  After the real-life nightmare I put that poor soul through, I think he needs the prayers. 

This has got to end. 

My clothes smell like spent wax!  

I don't want to go through my days looking like a clown and smelling like a crayon. 

Heading off to sleep. 

Love ya, 

S.  

I'll update this post in the morning.  

This INFJ dream thing is difficult to live with.  Maybe if I go get that Ph.D. I'll exercise that thinking function again and test as an INXJ.   An X in this instance means that I test 50% in the (T) Thinking function and 50% in the (F) Feeling function.  That's what happened when I was in graduate school.  It was beautiful.  I had no freaky dreams that I had to worry about coming true.  

That is bliss.....beautiful bliss.  

Now, I'm off to pull a Tarot card.  Maybe that'll give me something to meditate on. I pray it's not creepy. 

It was The Hermit reversed.  All that means is that I've got to stop avoiding things that make me uncomfortable. 

10/19/20 edit 10:30 am: 

Woo hoo!  

5 hours blissful sleep.  

No freaky dreams.  

I'm going to get a lot done today. 

Countdown clock: 29 

10/19/20 edit 2:53 pm: 

Went outside and inhaled the smoke from the fire...

forgot my inhaler....

got dizzy....

lay down....

fell asleep....

so....I'm back at 30. 

I don't even know how to describe this one, I'll try below.   I wouldn't say it was a nightmare just inappropriate **. 

At least no one died. 

I figured out how to take out the emotion and the worry/ick/sad factor.  I'm learning lucid dreaming.  So, if I dream of a disturbing scene, I just imagine myself flying overhead so I'm not in the middle of it. 

It helps.  

Let's see: 

A miniature version of this man is in front of me to the right and a miniature version of me is in front of me and to the left.  This is a single cord between them. He is sending energy from his heart chakra to her.  She sends it back.  The line bulges with each jolt of energy sent.  

In a way, it looks like pinp-pong with energy. 

The energy takes form of a heart-beat as if one was experiencing 

a myocardial infarction as viewed on a heart monitor.



Yeah, perhaps they're giving each other heart attacks.  

Like this but more exaggerated and clumpy. 

Eventually one of the pair severs the cord.  Several more cords take its place.  The energy transfer continues until the cords break again and are replaced by an exponential number of cords. 

I wake up and immediately set to praying.   

I remember him as a Christian, so for him, I light the white candles and pray to his God.  The only thing I can is 'let go and let the Creator.' do whatever needs done. 

I don't know him any more.  I knew him well as a young man but I don't know him well now.  I pray for strangers all the time.  Perhaps, I'm meant to pray for the one who haunts my nightmares, too.  

((( hugs ))) 

S.