I thought it was asthma. I've been working for a California HMO over the past 14 months, they've been promising me health insurance.
It never comes to fruition.
I've been waiting to have my asthma re-evaluated.
At least I thought it was asthma.
I started fainting at the gym at the age of 28. The docs told me it was exercise induced asthma and gave me a prescription for an inhaler.
I never filled it.
The breathing has gotten worse.
It got to a point on Friday that I started to wheeze and cough with activity.
I had overbooked myself on Saturday. I had hypnosis clients and promised someone I'd go to a Democrat event.
I pushed myself.
When I went to the political event, it was more crowded than a rave. I'm not joking. It was at a café which was smaller than my living room. There must have been eighty people there.
I went in and spoke to a couple of people. These people name dropped some city councilwomen. I decided to leave and introduce myself the next time I'm at a town hall.
I literally could not breathe.
The next day I went to an urgent care.
My blood pressure was so high they wouldn't tell me the score.
In the past, I've been sent to the ER. That was usually after eating something I was allergic to.
Not this time.....
My wheezing and coughing is due to pulmonary hypertension -
this runs in my family.
I need to get insurance pronto so I can find a doctor to treat it.
Sigh....
*****
I still work at the health care company.
I still answer the phones.
Today, I met a ninety year old man who asked about an echocardiogram.
He explained to me that he was always as healthy as a horse until his wife died last year.
Now, his heart is literally broken. It beats all out of rhythym.
He expects to join her soon despite the best efforts of his internist and cardiologist.
He seemed excited to join his wife again, it made me feel as if my sadness betrayed his joy.
*****
I thought back on my health.
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder in 1997. That was the year my ex-husband took my life savings and plunked it on a house I didn't want. He chose a home that made it hard for me to work because it wasn't near a transit line.
I gave up my job.
In 1998, I was diagnosed with asthma. This was after six years of harassment by his family. In fact, that year, I'd often get calls from his relatives telling me what they saw me do in the kitchen as they drove by my house.
Creepy.....
In 2007, I had my first bout of high blood pressure. This was shortly after my then husband started calling me Mrs. Erickson. His name isn't Erickson. That's the name of the young man I dated in high school. This is the one that has the look of love in his eyes when he sees me but his strumming hands betray his impatience. I was never Mrs. Erickson. To hear the man I was married to call me that name....well....it broke my heart.
It was almost as if that event called Mr. Erickson to me. He came out to visit three times in the next four years. I still don't know what he needed when he came out to visit and pray he's okay. I'd ask but I don't know if I shouldn't open up a huge can of worms for him....so I'll be quiet.
In 2013, a few months after the police department told me that my ex was stalking me, I tested high in the marker for breast cancer.
This time last year, I had a breast cancer scare.
*****
My step-father often told me that our emotions dictated our health.
My heart was broken time and time again throughout the relationship. I find it strange that the area around my heart became sick and decrepit when I learned my ex was having his family harass and stalk me.
****
I don't know.
I do know that I will lose my health coverage in four days. In two weeks, I'm due to a test to see if my tumor grew.
I don't think I'll be able to afford the test.
Thank goodness I have my step-father's Essiac Tea Recipe.
Love ya lots,
S.
Edit a few days later: I was able to get the test. The tumor is gone. The doctor is claiming that I could have had a misdiagnosed infection in my left breast.
Today I am thankful for the realization that I have to lawyer up.
I've decided that I can no longer deal with the attorney who wanted me to capitulate to my stalker. All that did was make my ex more brazen. The lawyer didn't want me to make my ex mad.
The problem with that is...well..my ex always seems to be raging unless he's in front of people he wants to influence. Anger can be a manipulative tool.
He's nice if I do everything he wants, too.
I don't have time cater to him any more.
I'm tired.
The level of hostility and his aggressiveness scares me. One would think that it would have leveled out five years since the divorce was finalized. One would think that if I didn't push to collect child support, he'd be nicer, too.
It's getting worse. He sends me vile messages while demanding that I answer mediation paperwork. I have NEVER seen paperwork from the mediator or my lawyer of record. He's either lying or the demands are so insane no one is forwarding them to me.
He's claiming that his family never stalked me and that I'm a liar. I'm thinking that he's either living in a drug induced fantasy world where he never stalked me or punched holes in the walls -or- he's trying to intimidate me into accepting another crappy change to our divorce agreement.
I'm not sure what he wants. He may just want to waste my time and money.
I can imagine he wants me to forgive his $45,000 in arrears or reverse the judgments for $15,000. I won't do that. He stole far more than that out of the retirement accounts prior to the divorce. I can't afford to let him off the hook. I let him off the hook for alimony despite the ruling from the judge. It's sad he doesn't how much money he saved.
I know he was complaining that he doesn't get the tax credit. Men in arrears can't take it. I feel horribly because I let him take it on two occasions when he didn't qualify.
I won't make that mistake again. It must have created unfair expectations for him.
I'm too darn busy for games.
A good lawyer can deal with him on my behalf and put together an agreement affording him little wiggle room.
Wiggle room is how toxic personalities gain control. The way the agreement is set up, he can demand visitation at a drop of the hat. His visitation games have already cost me one job.
I can't afford to lose another.
******
I can't handle any more property damage.
After the damage to my garage door (not to mention all of the other damage in the house), I've decided to lawyer up. Much of it occurred while he was still living here but I found it strange that the garage door didn't close during the two days he was harassing me. That was remedied by disconnecting the garage door opener.
The day before he visited the house, the garage door was stuck. I left it open and barricaded the doors to the house. That day, the box of evidence I had hidden in the garage went missing. This box held the answering machine tapes containing the threats, the letters and other creepy emails I received from my ex's family. I kept it more to remind myself of the crap I endured. The evidence was too old for the police to use.
That was around the time he sent me about eight texts calling me a liar and claiming I was never harassed and stalked by his family.
Because the garage door was broken, I manually closed it and parked the car outside. It didn't run the day after he was here. The mechanic isn't sure why but we suspect water in the gas tank. It may be a coincidence. I'm learning to pay attention to coincidences.
I've never parked my car outside on days I've felt threatened in the past.
I hope I'm just paranoid but it's strange at how much goes wrong when this guy comes around the house.
******
I'm going to have to stop posting until the legal battle is over. This will be the fourth time in a decade I've hidden my blog due to legal crap concerning my stalkerish ex and his family.
Hopefully this will be the last time.
Tomorrow my home will literally be crawling with contractors to put in new doors and windows. Hopefully this will stop the baloney with the break-ins.
In the next few months, the contractors will patch the holes in the drywall. They've taken pictures so it's not like my ex can lie about his crappy behavior. He forgets that the cops caught him blocking the door so I couldn't leave the house on December 25, 2009. I asked them NOT to arrest him. That was my mistake.
Lessoned learned - once an asshat breaks the law allow the police to do their jobs or else it will come back to bite you in the arse.
So.... I don't know what to do about the all the emails and texts shaming me for not getting a restraining order. I'm scared of him. I regret not getting one against him now. I won't make that mistake again.
I was told a restraining order would make a family court judge think I was engaging in PAS. I let myself be harassed for over a decade because I was terrified of never seeing the kids.
Another lesson - always get the restraining order.
*****
I will continue to post but everything will be hidden. That way, I turn up dead, the police can see what was going on in my life. It may sound a tad bit dramatic, but this guy made it a point to cc me on an email to the county court complaining of his frustration that I won't violate court orders to do what he wants.
His frustration leads to rage. His rage is dangerous.
This could be the very reason the court isn't forwarding his demands to me. I'm sure they've seen this crap before. I'm sure they know where it leads.
****
In short,
demanding and threatening texts and emails coupled with property damage and missing evidence is a sign and a signal that I've been too kind and need to tighten up my security.
In the past, when I have refused to update information about my life, the stalking would pick up as my ex (and/or his family) searched for more information. I'll take my chances. Given the new home improvements, I think it will be okay.
Maybe this will buy me some time to put together a hypnosis and/or drug addiction resource blog. It should give me more time to paint, too.
I'm hopeful.
*****
If I can leave you with one piece of wisdom, it is this -
You are far too brilliant and too important to waste a moment of your life on the drama of smaller people.
You wouldn't be in this world if you were not important.
Love ya lots,
S.
Edit one week later: When one has a stalker, one has to change her entire life up. I now have a new job, another lawyer and am about to file contempt charges. I no longer have a retirement.
When the last kiddo turns 19, I'll move and change my name again. The only way to free myself from the harassment is to hide.
Such is life....
Be mindful of whom you date. Don't be so forgiving early in relationships that is what leads to us ignoring red flags and getting stuck with controlling abusers.
Today I am thankful for my Grandmother's wisdom about flies and vinegar.
Today around 3:15, my ex-husband demanded visitation with "his" girls on Friday.
He hasn't seen them for nearly three years.
I'm very concerned about his mental health due to some of the bizarre, reality bending things he emails and texts to me. I received several today calling me a liar.
He'll tell me that I made up the stalking (despite the letters and emails I've saved). I'm sure the police department has records of all of the phone calls. I've been stalked in front of politicians, a psychiatrist (who was friends with the mayor) and several friends. His family harassed my colleagues. It's not a secret.
My ex will tell me that I got him fired because I asked for video footage of a stalking event in July 2015. Yes, my ex-husband had a video camera in the living room that piped into his work cell phone. It recorded all of our private conversations as well as the view from the front window.
I allowed it because I wanted to know who exactly was harassing me and I wanted proof for a restraining order
That was probably a clue as to who the stalker was. I wanted so desperately to believe it wasn't him. Of course, because he refused to share the footage I started to believe the police.
They told me it was him in 2012.
If he had shared the footage, I could have seen the identity of someone who stood outside the window, turned on our garden hose, set fire to something on the porch and then cut the hose. At first, I thought the person was just smoking a cigarette but two day later, I saw burned pieces of paper on the porch.
No footage was forthcoming.
The even happened on 07/22/15 (Wednesday). He was fired late September of that year. If I remember correctly, he was told that it was because the former employee came back. One would think that he would have been fired in July or early August if it were because of my phone call.
Perhaps they found the spyware on his work phone?
Or maybe it's true that he watches porn and masturbates in inappropriate places. The day before he was fired, he told me that his company had his office searched for biological material with black lights. Of course, he told me that the biological material was bugs.
He probably lied.
I'll probably never know the truth.
*****
He is angry.
In fact, every favor I've done for him since the divorce has been met with abusive anger.
I don't want to help him any more. When I try to help him, he acts very abusively and I give up.
Today is no exception. I received a slew of obnoxious emails calling me a liar.
While all this was going on, one of the kids was injured. I was on the phone with a nurse who told me to take the kiddo to urgent care.
I drove to urgent care....all the while my ex-husband was demanding my time. When I told him what was going on, he called me a liar. I took a picture of the clinic.
Of course, he started to demand details. It's hard to talk to the doctor when your ex is harassing via text.
I asked him to text his daughter on the phone number he claims he didn't have. Somehow, she received an immediate text from him.
I'm not the liar.
He even had the unmitigated gall to tell me that I didn't have the right to end the conversation. Um....hello! We signed the divorce agreement in September of 2013. I don't owe him a conversation about my life.
The kids are old enough to refuse visitation. I told them they should visit with him.
If he threatens them or acts like a moron, he is going to cut off his nose to spite his face. They're old enough to call 911 if he flies into a rage again.
I hope he can behave himself. The worst part was that the middle kiddo, the speed reader, saw his nasty text messages flit across my screen.
She asked me why I let him talk to me like that.
I don't....not any more.
******
I was so tired of the drama that I reverted to following the parenting agreement. He never wants to follow the agreement. He wants things on his own time and on my dime.
Today, yet again, he wanted time outside of the visitation agreement -but- because I don't know about his mental health and I don't know if it's true that he's in an alcoholic rehab program and safe for him to drive....
and because his anger typically begins any stalking event
(and I've had some property damage to one of the doors this week...)
I declined to give him the extra time.
I thought about it until he sent me several nasty text messages calling me a wide variety of slurs.
I am scared of him.
If he still emotionally abuses me, I wonder if he'll do that to the kids?
I need to get them health insurance so they can get therapy. He was court ordered to provide health insurance but he won't do that.
I'm responsible for everything. I justified that thinking it was keeping the kids safe.
Due to the fear, I finally decided to follow the order to the letter until I can take him back to court. Doing that will allow me to pick up the kids if he abandons them in public again. The last time he visited them, he abandoned them in public and a local teenager had to pick them up. That was 2 3/4 years ago.
I hate to be rude but
if you want your ex-wife to do a favor for you, don't blow up her phone with abusive messages.
If I turn up dead, my stalker is up to his antics again.
Damn.....
He is angry.
Anger is behind the stalking.
It has to be.
Yes, I keep tabs on the people who visit my website. I think he uses Firefox due to the sheer number of hits I get....sigh....
*****
I'm looking for a guard dog that doesn't impact my allergies.
*****
I need to get a home loan to hire a new lawyer. I don't trust a mediator with an abusive guy. He doesn't want to follow the divorce decree when it comes to the mediator. He wants to use someone other than the person dictated in the divorce agreement (probably because he admitted to the mediator that the stalking was going on).
Ugh....
I hope they can help me collect that $60,000 or so he owes me. The only reason I was afraid to collect is that I feared him. If he's going to barge into our lives anyway like a jerk because he has "rights", I may as well force him to honor his "responsibilities."
The lesson is to be kind. Kindness would have netted him what he wanted. If you want someone to trust you, lay off of the insults and abuse.
Abusers never change. The more this goes on, the clearer the truth of the cops' perceptions are. He is an abuser. I'm glad he's out of my life.
Love ya,
S.
Next day edit: I'm back to interviewing lawyers and looking at another loan. Numerous lawyers have told me that my ex has to jump through hoops to see the kids. The problem is that I don't know what hoops are appropriate. Now, my ex has sent me emails that flit between telling me he doesn't want to see the kids, to demanding to see the kids and demanding mediation for reasons that he won't clarify. When it comes to having him near my home or with the kids, I don't know what is safe. I don't know what is fair.
The main problem is that I don't know if he is a drinker.
The lawyers (the State Lawyers, my own lawyer and the lawyers I've interviewed) buy his line about being in an alcohol program hook, line and sinker. My ex says he's not an alcoholic. I believe him. Why would that be an excuse to lower his child support?
If he's a drinker, then shouldn't that impact him driving the kids to visitation?
Maybe I'll write about my conversation with a male domestic violence counselor from Washington State. He was right on the money. He's warning me that the sole purpose of all of this is to gain more control over my life. I can't let that happen.
I'll implement his suggestions now.
As for the visit, he dropped them off an hour and ten minutes late. We agreed on 9:00, he dropped them off at 10:10 p.m. I almost called the cops out of fear. He sent me two texts during his visit: one demanding mediation with the county and expressing his "frustration" that I won't do what he wants (he cc'd the county mediator on that one) and the other telling me he'd drop the kids off at 9:35.
A good mediator knows that abusers who get frustrated when they don't get their way are not a good fit for mediation. That's probably why I never got the paperwork.
The visitation time is just a bid for control. Yeah...…he's just being a control freak. It'll backfire. It always does. If he didn't want control, he wouldn't call me names and he'd work with me to re-acquaint himself with the kids.
Yeah....I need a lawyer.
I wish his game to be exposed swiftly.
Love ya,
S.
Well....this is strange. The damage was to the garage door. For a couple of days, it wouldn't shut. We cleaned the area around the doors, nada...
I cleaned the sensors...
nada.
We barricaded the doors to the house while leaving the door to the garage open. After a day or so of this nonsense I unplugged the door, shut it manually and kept the car outside for one night.
My ex came by: once while I was at work and around 10:10ish at night to drop off the kids.
He lingered after dropping off the kids.
It's strange.
Since Friday, my car doesn't run. After running a code test, there is a thought that there could be moisture in the gas tank.
The gas cap doesn't lock.
The other strange is that the box I kept in the garage with the tapes of the nasty answering machine messages from his mother dating back to 2002 is missing as are all the threatening letters (kept in the same box).
That's not the evidence I would have used to get the restraining order. I don't think this will do anything about all the documented calls to the police.
I find this strange. The box went missing around the time I got numerous texts and emails calling me a liar.
He may not have messed with my car. It's old. It could have an electrical issue. Sadly, I cannot afford to fix it as my credit is maxed out due to the legal fees. We are car-less. That's okay.
I find it strange that the box with the evidence is missing days after getting the strange accusations of lying. It was very well hidden behind a cabinet.
It doesn't matter.
He will tire of the games soon enough.
My ex is claiming that the chaplain at the Denver Rescue Mission is encouraging my ex to abuse me. He makes it sound that the chaplain is putting him to the contact and can offer a reference proving for his goodness and lack of a drug and/or alcohol problem (despite the letter they wrote to help lower his child stating the opposite). He said this right before starting in on the abuse.
I doubt the chaplain is encouraging the abuse. I believe he isn't educated about domestic violence and NPD. As freedom loving as I am, chaplains are not mental health professionals. I wonder if he knows that narcissists are prone to triangulating others into their bullshit.
For years, I spoke highly of this shelter. I always brought turkeys and food no matter how I struggled financially. I've fought with politicians about he importance of charity. I don't know if I can do that any more. For the first time in my life I understand why people don't want that shelter around. They encourage abusers - maybe not overtly but they don't really have the resources to help someone who is destructive. They offer ineffective counseling with chaplains who don't understand personality disorders and/or domestic violence. I'm sad to say it, they are enabling my ex's financial and emotional abuse. They'd best pray it not become physical.
It drills down to the letter they sent the court claiming he was in a program for people with substance abuse issues.
I can understand someone who is really down and out. I don't understand someone who refused to take jobs because he wants to stay in my home and terrorize me. I don't understand writing inaccurate(?) letters to the court claiming someone has an alcohol problem to get him out of child support.
I'm very religious. I have a very deep connection to Jesus. Forgiveness and love does not mean getting my kids or myself in a dangerous situation with someone who rages, threatens and stalks. He has obviously not changed one bit. I urge them to pray my ex's anger away and ask that the truth be shown.
The worst thing that can happen is his rage is exposed. If it happens, call the police. He's prone to property damage.
I am realizing that I cannot use the home equity to pay for lawyer or car because it is going to repairing damage done to my home - the city has a lien on all of my equity. They deserve it because they're trying to help. Such is life.
Today I am thankful for free time to ponder the content of my subconscious mind.
Typically, I don't get time to think.
Today I did.
I awoke, this morning at 5:00 am.
I had two dreams. Not an important dream that will change the world but a dream that will help me understand the root of my romantic dysfunction.
Dream #1:
In this dream,I am sitting on a public bus. There is a large man next to me but I cannot see his face as it is blurred out.
Tom is sitting across the aisle from me. He reaches out for my hands but has an evaluative look on his face.
He asks, "how many relationships have you had since I left?"
"Three", I hesitate before asking, "Am I supposed to count you in the number?"
"Yes."
"Oh...four. There was this guy I tried to date a few years ago but it didn't go very far."
He looked at me with those intently inquisitive eyes, "How many years has it been since you've been with a man?"
"Been with? What does that mean?"
He just shot me a very serious death glare. Why would he do that?
"Three. Well, actually, it might be four. What year is this?"
"2019."
"Wow....It's been five years."
I awoke.
I'm a little perplexed at why I'm dreaming about him right now. I miss my friend. Perhaps my subconscious mind is reminding me that he was always a little insecure about men I knew before we dated. We argued about that a lot.
I was seventeen. There wasn't a lot of time for me to date back then either.
Insecurity makes me sad because If I had wanted the other guys, I would have never been with him. Tom and I had a closeness that I could never have with anyone else.
It's hard to explain. I wish he understood how special he is.
Sigh....
I tried to meditate but I fell asleep and had a second dream.
Dream #2
This time, I had a dream in which I was in a hospital with a newborn by my side.
It was a boy. He was tiny and had brown hair and dark gray eyes.
It's unclear if it was my child.
I just see the image of a blond nurse performing CPR on me as a white light swirls up ahead.
I think that's a warning.
If I ever date again, I'm getting a hysterectomy.
YIKES!
If my daughter and her beau have another child, I think I'll take a baby aspirin before visiting the hospital. The excitement of a new grand baby could give me a heart attack!
They are incredibly adorable. The granddaughter calls me "mi amor." She sent me a hand drawn card with a kissing emoji on it.
I can't believe a darling kiddo came partially from my DNA.
It must be a grandmother thing.
*****
Stunned at my dreams, I meditated.
In this meditation, I believe I connected to the radiant Celtic Goddess of love Aine.
I reflected upon the dreams I had. I whined about being afraid to love.
In this meditation, the beautiful goddess asked me why I won't talk to Tom.
Point taken....love doesn't necessary mean sexual love. It could be friendship.
The most obvious answer to the question posed in the meditation is that I've prayed for him to be married off for 32 years. If my prayers were finally answered, I don't want to run off his spouse.
I've lived through stalking and realize how much an insecure spouse can ruin a life. I don't want to take that chance.
In the meditation, the radiant Goddess asked.....
"What if he's not married? Would you talk to him."
Yes, of course I would. There were other questions.
"Why wouldn't you be honest with him?"
"Why didn't you tell him what you felt all of those years? Would you do so now?"
That is the hardest question. It took a long meditation. It was a very emotional meditation but it drilled down to one answer.....
I don't have anything special to offer Tom.
I never had. I can offer kindness. I can offer friendship. I can offer love. I was always a tad bit too earthy for his taste....so...those sensual gifts would probably not be valued.
I modeled at sixteen. I couldn't even model for the geriatric catalog now....sigh..
I cannot offer beauty, or wealth, or prestige, or a really yummy home cooked meal.
She asked how old I was when I realized this fact of our relationship.
The answer stunned me.
I realized this in 1986.
Sigh.....
There is unfinished business there. I truly hope that the unfinished business is only in my own mind.
It'll kill me to find out that the limerence is still occurring on his end.
I'll continue meditating in the hopes of finding the lesson. I've sat on this post for a couple of days hoping to have more dreams that will yield insight.
I haven't had any more dreams of Tom. I've had dreams of my ex-husband trying to get me fired from my job and harassing my eldest (he contacted me the very next day making crazy demands on my time).
I haven't had more insight about Tom. I'm sure the dreams stem from the note I found a few months ago.
My prayer is that my subconscious mess is only my own and that no one else is impacted. I've often found that when I'm thinking of someone he or she is thinking of me.
This is one time I hope it isn't the case. This kind of thing can be highly destructive and draining.
