Today I am thankful for free time to ponder the content of my subconscious mind.
Typically, I don't get time to think.
Today I did.
I awoke, this morning at 5:00 am.
I had two dreams. Not an important dream that will change the world but a dream that will help me understand the root of my romantic dysfunction.
Dream #1:
In this dream, I am sitting on a public bus. There is a large man next to me but I cannot see his face as it is blurred out.
Tom is sitting across the aisle from me. He reaches out for my hands but has an evaluative look on his face.
He asks, "how many relationships have you had since I left?"
"Three", I hesitate before asking, "Am I supposed to count you in the number?"
"Yes."
"Oh...four. There was this guy I tried to date a few years ago but it didn't go very far."
He looked at me with those intently inquisitive eyes, "How many years has it been since you've been with a man?"
"Been with? What does that mean?"
He just shot me a very serious death glare. Why would he do that?
"Three. Well, actually, it might be four. What year is this?"
"2019."
"Wow....It's been five years."
I awoke.
I'm a little perplexed at why I'm dreaming about him right now. I miss my friend. Perhaps my subconscious mind is reminding me that he was always a little insecure about men I knew before we dated. We argued about that a lot.
I was seventeen. There wasn't a lot of time for me to date back then either.
I was seventeen. There wasn't a lot of time for me to date back then either.
Insecurity makes me sad because If I had wanted the other guys, I would have never been with him. Tom and I had a closeness that I could never have with anyone else.
It's hard to explain. I wish he understood how special he is.
It's hard to explain. I wish he understood how special he is.
Sigh....
I tried to meditate but I fell asleep and had a second dream.
Dream #2
This time, I had a dream in which I was in a hospital with a newborn by my side.
It was a boy. He was tiny and had brown hair and dark gray eyes.
It's unclear if it was my child.
I just see the image of a blond nurse performing CPR on me as a white light swirls up ahead.
I think that's a warning.
If I ever date again, I'm getting a hysterectomy.
YIKES!
If my daughter and her beau have another child, I think I'll take a baby aspirin before visiting the hospital. The excitement of a new grand baby could give me a heart attack!
They are incredibly adorable. The granddaughter calls me "mi amor." She sent me a hand drawn card with a kissing emoji on it.
I can't believe a darling kiddo came partially from my DNA.
It must be a grandmother thing.
*****
Stunned at my dreams, I meditated.
In this meditation, I believe I connected to the radiant Celtic Goddess of love Aine.
I reflected upon the dreams I had. I whined about being afraid to love.
In this meditation, the beautiful goddess asked me why I won't talk to Tom.
Point taken....love doesn't necessary mean sexual love. It could be friendship.
The most obvious answer to the question posed in the meditation is that I've prayed for him to be married off for 32 years. If my prayers were finally answered, I don't want to run off his spouse.
I've lived through stalking and realize how much an insecure spouse can ruin a life. I don't want to take that chance.
In the meditation, the radiant Goddess asked.....
"What if he's not married? Would you talk to him."
Yes, of course I would. There were other questions.
"Why wouldn't you be honest with him?"
"Why didn't you tell him what you felt all of those years? Would you do so now?"
That is the hardest question. It took a long meditation. It was a very emotional meditation but it drilled down to one answer.....
I don't have anything special to offer Tom.
I never had. I can offer kindness. I can offer friendship. I can offer love. I was always a tad bit too earthy for his taste....so...those sensual gifts would probably not be valued.
I modeled at sixteen. I couldn't even model for the geriatric catalog now....sigh..
I cannot offer beauty, or wealth, or prestige, or a really yummy home cooked meal.
She asked how old I was when I realized this fact of our relationship.
The answer stunned me.
I realized this in 1986.
Sigh.....
There is unfinished business there. I truly hope that the unfinished business is only in my own mind.
It'll kill me to find out that the limerence is still occurring on his end.
I'll continue meditating in the hopes of finding the lesson. I've sat on this post for a couple of days hoping to have more dreams that will yield insight.
I haven't had any more dreams of Tom. I've had dreams of my ex-husband trying to get me fired from my job and harassing my eldest (he contacted me the very next day making crazy demands on my time).
I haven't had more insight about Tom. I'm sure the dreams stem from the note I found a few months ago.
My prayer is that my subconscious mess is only my own and that no one else is impacted. I've often found that when I'm thinking of someone he or she is thinking of me.
This is one time I hope it isn't the case. This kind of thing can be highly destructive and draining.
Love ya,
S.
I tried to meditate but I fell asleep and had a second dream.
Dream #2
This time, I had a dream in which I was in a hospital with a newborn by my side.
It was a boy. He was tiny and had brown hair and dark gray eyes.
It's unclear if it was my child.
I just see the image of a blond nurse performing CPR on me as a white light swirls up ahead.
I think that's a warning.
If I ever date again, I'm getting a hysterectomy.
YIKES!
If my daughter and her beau have another child, I think I'll take a baby aspirin before visiting the hospital. The excitement of a new grand baby could give me a heart attack!
They are incredibly adorable. The granddaughter calls me "mi amor." She sent me a hand drawn card with a kissing emoji on it.
I can't believe a darling kiddo came partially from my DNA.
It must be a grandmother thing.
*****
Stunned at my dreams, I meditated.
In this meditation, I believe I connected to the radiant Celtic Goddess of love Aine.
I reflected upon the dreams I had. I whined about being afraid to love.
In this meditation, the beautiful goddess asked me why I won't talk to Tom.
Point taken....love doesn't necessary mean sexual love. It could be friendship.
The most obvious answer to the question posed in the meditation is that I've prayed for him to be married off for 32 years. If my prayers were finally answered, I don't want to run off his spouse.
I've lived through stalking and realize how much an insecure spouse can ruin a life. I don't want to take that chance.
In the meditation, the radiant Goddess asked.....
"What if he's not married? Would you talk to him."
Yes, of course I would. There were other questions.
"Why wouldn't you be honest with him?"
"Why didn't you tell him what you felt all of those years? Would you do so now?"
That is the hardest question. It took a long meditation. It was a very emotional meditation but it drilled down to one answer.....
I don't have anything special to offer Tom.
I never had. I can offer kindness. I can offer friendship. I can offer love. I was always a tad bit too earthy for his taste....so...those sensual gifts would probably not be valued.
I modeled at sixteen. I couldn't even model for the geriatric catalog now....sigh..
I cannot offer beauty, or wealth, or prestige, or a really yummy home cooked meal.
She asked how old I was when I realized this fact of our relationship.
The answer stunned me.
I realized this in 1986.
Sigh.....
There is unfinished business there. I truly hope that the unfinished business is only in my own mind.
It'll kill me to find out that the limerence is still occurring on his end.
I'll continue meditating in the hopes of finding the lesson. I've sat on this post for a couple of days hoping to have more dreams that will yield insight.
I haven't had any more dreams of Tom. I've had dreams of my ex-husband trying to get me fired from my job and harassing my eldest (he contacted me the very next day making crazy demands on my time).
I haven't had more insight about Tom. I'm sure the dreams stem from the note I found a few months ago.
My prayer is that my subconscious mess is only my own and that no one else is impacted. I've often found that when I'm thinking of someone he or she is thinking of me.
This is one time I hope it isn't the case. This kind of thing can be highly destructive and draining.
Love ya,
S.