Comforting Dreams

Today I am thankful for comforting sleep and sweet dreams.

For the first time in years, I slept eight hours. 

The essiac tea makes me tired.  I get feverish.  My stomach hurts and I fall asleep. 

I have the sweetest dreams.  

In my dream, I was at my office. 

I had finished up from a day seeing clients needing to grow their confidence and ran across the street to a post office within a gift shop.....it is much like the old shop in the town where I grow up.  The gift shop where I grew up became my first office.  

Sigh.... 

The revealing thing about this is that my favorite clients are artists and musicians needing help growing their confidence or overcoming performance anxiety. 

Perhaps....when I'm well....I should advertise solely to people needing this help.  

My friend was there.  This was my closest friend in high school.  The guy that looked like my dad and was so hard to kiss. 

His father thought I looked like his mother, so I am pretty darn sure it was awkward for him, too. 

In my dream, we wound up at my home sitting on the couch talking.  I was tired.  He asked me to sleep. 

Sleep I did.  

It was nice.  

Right before waking up in real life, I dreamt that I woke up to him stating that he wanted to buy donuts for his colleagues and visit his accountant to do his taxes.  We walked and grabbed coffee and donuts.  I waited for him in the accountant's office. 

In my dream, as I waited in the office, my ex-husband came in and plopped down a huge book of formulas and calculations onto a chair.  I could see the complicated math as the pages moved. 

Someone has been busy manipulating numbers. 

My ex-husband looked at me and said.....

"I made a mistake."  

This is where I woke up.  

*****

I feel like I did at sixteen.  I want to sing.  I want to play bass.  I want to paint....everything.  I want to paint the walls, canvas, paper, my car.....everything.

I want to dance.

I'm me. 

My friend didn't know this about me -but- even then I had a political streak a mile wide.  He met me after my foster care stint and right before the foster care system turned my sister into a prostitute. 

My uncle was a political figure; he was well known and aspired to be the mayor of a tiny town.  At sixteen, my head was filled with stories of my great-great-great maternal uncle who was, arguably, one of the worst Presidents to ever try to lead this country. 

Grant died of cancer, too. 

I still feel the urge to run over to share to my frenemies in the statehouse my story about the way Colorado allows deadbeat dads to ignore their obligations.  Our legislators are looking to make cuts.  The Colorado Department of Human Services was begging to keep their funding yesterday. 

No... it should be cut.  Perhaps now is the time to share.  Why should taxpayers pay them to abuse the law?  

I've spent time trying to research what was going on.  I'm hoping to find some sort of collusion between the Department of Human Services and The Denver Rescue Mission.  

In my research, I found things that made me sad for my ex.  Some people in these programs are writing about how they are forced to wear rags so that people who visit feel compelled to donate more money to these programs.  The worst stories I read were about the Salvation Army women's shelters. 

By keeping their residents dirt poor, these charities can rake in the dough. 

I don't trust the government farther than I can spit.  As little as I trust the government, I trust public-private partnerships less.  

Messes fall into my life so I can scheme to clean them up. 

*****

I met with a lawyer this morning.  Yes, Colorado does have a loophole that enables men to get out of child support by refusing to work.  

She had a hard time believing that the Colorado Parent Employment Project put my ex in a 27 month rehab program.  I showed her the letter.  

Something still seems off.  

If I pass away, she will represent my oldest daughter in claiming custody of the other children. She will ensure that all my assets transfer to the person taking care of the kids.  

My ex.....well....he's basically abandoned the kids.  It's going to be awfully hard for him to lay claim to them. 

The day was not lost. 

Yeah, their father made a mistake.  I can't correct it for him. 

He just left another mess for me to clean up. 

I have to say that the hardest question to answer is why.

When people ask why I left, I mention the stalking.

Then they want to know why.  Why did his sister follow me?  Why did his brother-in-law harass me on the street?  Why did my mother-in-law harass my landlord? Why did his father corner me?  Why did his uncle run up to me in the street to glare at me?

Why?

I don't know.

This lawyer pointed out that my ex is a mess and that I obviously didn't know him.

She's right.

I have no clue who he is.

The relationship is so complicated, it's like the U.S. tax code.

I'll never understand it.

I probably feel the same way about my ex as I do taxes. 

That's not saying much - I'm a libertarian.

*****

In my reflections while sitting in traffic, I realize that it was the innocence of that first relationship that makes it so wonderful.  We were together prior to taxes and marriage and business and kids.

It was simple.

My family situation made it complicated but it didn't really matter so long as I avoided them.

With my old friend, life was simple.  We even played on the playground together.  Those are moments I miss.

We were children on the cusp of adulthood.

Even when we've met recently, it has all been in innocence.  It seems so synchronistic.  My favorite memory has to be of the clown blowing up balloons behind him as we sat in a coffee shop.  One oblong balloon appeared to be growing out of his thigh.

I laughed.

He refused to turn around for several minutes.  By the time he turned around, the clown and the hordes of children were gone.

Everything about our time together is innocent.

In 4-15-2010, I played hooky from a political event because he asked me to lunch.  My friends were giving speeches at the capitol in order to protest the tax system.  I promised to be there holding their signs and being supportive.

I missed it.  I briefly mentioned it and my friend took off from the restaurant as though he had forgotten to file his taxes.  The waitress told me she could tell by the look in his eyes that he loved me and had a hard time leaving.

Yeah....I'm sure he loves me the way one would love a family dog.

The relationship has an innocent flavor to it.  It doesn't work so well for people in their fifth decade of life.

I'll still treasure it.

It brings me comfort on some level.

*****

They say when people die, their brain takes them to peaceful thoughts as their final moments approach.  

I wonder.....if I've already seen the part of my life that will flash before my eyes on that fateful day. 

I'll find out in the next few weeks if that day is coming sooner rather than later. 

Love ya, 

S.  

Dreams I Don't Remember

I am thankful for the feeling of dreams,

even if I barely remember the dreams themselves.

Last night, I binge watched Battlestar Galactica.

I have no clue why I'd do that.

It was a corny television show that fills me with memories of hanging out with my grandparents.

My grandmother would watch it with me and we'd talk about the Cowboy movies Lorne Greene stared in during her youth.

Maybe I watched it because of Dirk Benedict.

I was in the same room with him when I was ten years old.  My family and I were at an amusement park in Denver.  He starred in a play.

That day, someone pointed him out and mentioned to me that he did a great job despite having cancer.

Maybe that's why I felt compelled to watch....

I needed to be reminded that a cancer diagnosis didn't mean death.  Even after a diagnosis, you're still alive.

We may as well live to the best of our ability during the time we have.

Or maybe - I just wanted to remember Grandma.

Or to be reminded that we all have long and arduous journeys to our personal promise land.

Or that running away....is futile.

I don't know.

******

The possibility that I have cancer is embarrassing.

This is embarrassing for me because in graduate school, my primary research was in psychoneuroimmunology.  I wanted to understand the interplay between emotions and disease.

I'll be embarrassed if I die from cancer.  I thought I had modified my behavior enough to keep myself well.

******

I fell asleep about 1:00 a.m.

I didn't have time to do my rituals to Aphrodite or Dionysus.

I just lit a red candle and fell asleep.

I had comforting dreams.....but I can barely remember them.

I awoke.

I couldn't remember the year.

I couldn't remember my age.

I couldn't remember the circumstances of my life.

I couldn't remember the day of the week.

When I looked at the clock, I fretted about whether or not I had to work and which job I needed to go to.

I was actually afraid I would be late to work!

For a few minutes.....

I'd forgotten the events of the past few weeks.

*******

The worst part was that I misplaced my glasses.

Because I'm basically blind without them, I lingered in bed for about an hour reflecting on the dreams I had and what little I remember of them.

I  remember dreaming of being with a man who wore glasses exactly like mine.

The frames were gold, small and rectangular in shape.  The man looked like me....

all I remember is his presence.

He was with me despite my busy-ness.....

I'm ignoring him as I'm running from medical appointment to medical appointment.....from job to job....from lawyer to lawyer....trying to do what I can do in the little time I had left.

His presence was familiar.

It broke my heart.

I've wasted my life being so darn busy.

There is a good chance I'm going to end my life being busy, too.

Right now.....I'm meditating to new age music (which is a funny name for it because it sounds so old and tribal).  While I'm meditating I'm sending loving energy to the person in my dream.

Please be happy.

******
The next few weeks are going to be filled with medical tests and lawyer appointments.

I've got to hire an attorney to make sure the kids are okay if I don't make it.

I was late to take my aunties to lunch.

I'm never late.

I was stuck at the doctor's office awaiting advice on what to do next.

I shouldn't have told them where I was.   One of them basically panicked.

This aunt and I are almost the same age.  Until my grandmother passed away, we were raised as sisters.

She....she.....stated that my death would kill her.

I'd feel guilty if I left her.

Her sister, the aunt who took me in when my mother died and then promptly abandoned my sister and I thinks that vitamins are killing me.  Yes, I take numerous supplements - a habit I formed at the age of 17 when I thought myself to be anorexic because food made me sick.

My first boyfriend bought me vitamins because he was afraid I'd die due to the lack of nutrition.  I prefer supplements to food.  A few years ago I learned why food made me sick.  I'm allergic to my former diet; milk, wheat, soy, peanuts, eggs, bananas, shrimp and the list goes on.  I still have no clue what to eat half of the time outside of whey protein powder.

Too much protein powder can make you gain weight.

I do drink a lot of medicinal tea, too.

Maybe my aunt is right.  Maybe I am killing myself with supplements.

******

I have to fight whatever this is. I don't know yet.  I'm working on my second opinion.  I've been told that people with my symptoms often have Stage 3 Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  That said, my new job gives me access to an encyclopedia of medical information:  my symptoms could be caused by numerous other things, too.

Just in case...I have my tea.

If it helps, they didn't find anything wrong with my last blood test; it was done two months ago before I started having symptoms.  I find this good news.  Six years ago, there was a marker for cancer that was elevated which scared my doctor.

The count dropped after the stress died down.

Stress...it's a killer!

Live in peace to the best of your ability.  Stay away from nasty people.

It'll keep you healthy.

Love ya,

S.

The Herb Problem in Colorado

Today I am still thankful that marijuana is legal in Colorado despite the challenges it poses.

The only reason I fought for legal weed was my irritation with civil forfeiture laws.

I was disgusted when I heard of a little old lady losing her home because her grandson was found with a doobie.

I don't smoke.

I never have.

It's a good thing, too.

I'm highly allergic to hemp and cannabis.

I thought hemp was like wool - itchy!

Well....it turns out I'm allergic to wool, too.

*****

I decided that I wanted fresher herbs for my tea.

I want fresh organic mistletoe leaves.

I'd like fresher slippery elm bark and sheep sorrel too.

I think I bought the ingredients when a friend of mine came down with cancer in 2004.

He died within days.

I am having a hard time finding the ingredients locally, so I decided to conduct a Google search.

All I can find are recreational pot stores in my area!

Oh my goodness - there is more than one medicinal herb in this gosh-forsaken town!

Besides.....one doesn't have to take a substance classified as an illegal drug by the feds to have fun.

If you want an adventure, drink mugwort tea.

That stuff is better than acid.

Okay....don't do that.

It could kill you or give you vertigo.

The hallucinations are insane, though.

Take care of you and don't waste your life away doing drugs.

You'll miss too much.

Love ya lots,

S.

More Challenges (and a recipe)

Today I am thankful for blood tests and nurses. 

Well....

I've been having a lot of pain in a certain area of my body.

It's acting up.

It's become worse over the past three years.

I thought it was hormones -but-

the nurse thinks that it could be an aggressive form of breast cancer.

I'm supposed to go to an Urgent Care center tomorrow.  The nurse doesn't think it can wait until next week.

If I miss work during the week, I will lose my job.  Since I'm the only one supporting the kids, I can't miss work at all (thanks Colorado Parent Employment Project deadbeat daddy government excuse makers).

It's probably just hormones.

I mean.....

I used to eat a heck of a lot of soy.

I don't anymore.

I'm sure that the lack of soy estrogen is playing havoc with my body.

If it's real....

and I don't post very much anymore.....

I'm sure you'll know what happened.

It's strange....

I never thought my elderly aunts could outlive me!

*****
I'm off to sleep.

I have been exhausted.

I'll probably dream of the things I didn't do, people I miss and the things I regret.

I'll wonder if a guy would have caught the lump earlier if I'd just have let one.....

well.....

you know.

I didn't.

Truth be told, this is probably just one little life drama.

The tests are probably just a precaution.

It's probably nothing.

It could possibly be a false positive.

Those happen.

I was misdiagnosed with brain cancer in '89.  I lived until I could get into see a neurologist who wondered why I hadn't died yet.  Given the tests, he never expected to meet me.

Well...I survived because they mixed up my MRI with that of a 70 year old man. His name was James Walker.  I'll never forget his name.  I often wonder, if he died prematurely due to the mix up.

I hope not.

****
The strange irony of it is all is that my stalker.....

my ex's sister....

the one who followed me around with her boyfriend....

was known for the work she did running to raise money for breast cancer awareness.

I guess I have something nice I can say about her.

I just wish cancer hadn't stolen her before she could reclaim her life from her bossy relatives.

Who wants to spend their last years following their sister-in-law around for their brother?

Sigh....

That broke my heart.

*****
It's not death that scares me.

It's the diagnoses coming a few months after I lost my life insurance policy that would have set the girls up for fairly decent start in life.

I lost it when I was laid off.

I also lost my catastrophic coverage policy.  It would have covered a cancer diagnosis and six months worth of wages.

I fear for the girls' financial future.

I also fear what may happen to the girls if I pass away.

Their father doesn't want to work. 

He sends me emails stating that he doesn't care.

If he's stuck in rehab until they grow up,

who will take care of them?

*****
I'm realizing that this is probably nothing.

I can't afford an ER or Urgent Care visit.

I can't afford the MRI needed to diagnose it.

If I don't pay for the cost of my medical care, Colorado taxpayers will.

The hypocrisy will probably kill me faster than the cancer.

I think I'll just save up for money for an office visit, a lab test and a second opinion.

That would be the prudent thing to do.

If I'm wrong and gambling with my life, so be it.

Besides.....

I'm probably better off going without treatment, drinking my daddy's Essiac tea and praying for the best.  I have all of the necessary ingredients for the tea in my herb stash.  I know of a Native American shop on South Broadway that sells it premade, too.

I trust tea more than I trust medicine.

Going without treatment will ensure that I can still pay for my kids' school testing fees, feed them and keep them housed.  If I save up my money, I can hire a lawyer to sell the house and leave the money for the kids.

If I lose my job or stop working due to chemo, we could lose the house and thus the kids won't have anything.

Maybe I can give the house to a trusted relative in exchange for taking care of the kids over the next few years.

I'll think about how to protect the kids.

Then, I'll tell my frenemies in the Colorado house and senate why I'm broke. 

Maybe they'll gut CO-PEP and stop letting them demand that single mothers hire lawyers when they want to help the dad evade his responsibilities.  They seem so misogynistic, I wonder how they treat custodial dads.  Do they force them to hire lawyers?  Or do they trample the non-custodial parents for a change?

It dawned on me that CO-PEP must think helping dads evade child support is okay because they feel that TANF, food stamps and Medicaid are viable survival options for families.

No.  It's not a viable survival option for anyone, let alone a libertarian with a college age daughter.  Even if I wanted food stamps or TANF, I'd have to force my daughter to quit school and get a job.

No.  She needs to finish college.

I'll work on crafting letters.

Besides.....

I don't think I can possibly die: I've got far too much to do right now.

I sure hope it's nothing.

We'll see.

Love ya,

S.

Edit:  I'll hunt for the Essiac tea recipe and post it.

Next day edit:

I rummaged through my herb stash.

I found organic mistletoe.  It's allegedly toxic but supposedly helps in stimulating the immune system and lowering blood pressure.

I'm going to start drinking this daily.

I found a heck of a lot of burdock root (but I'll probably buy fresh burdock at the Asian market).
There was a baggie of slippery elm and sheep sorrel. 

I couldn't find the Turkish rhubarb: unless the local Turkish market has it.  Yes, there is such a place.  If you go DO NOT betray any Greek ancestry......ever.  They've sold me various herbs that their folklore claims helps colds (e.g. Borage) and seems to have kept me from getting sick in the past...I love that place!

They sell pretty yummy olives, too.

It seems the recipe used to have a lot of other ingredients.  I couldn't find the handwritten paper on which the recipe was written so I had to find one online.

I'll post it here.

You can visit the website beneath the picture to learn how to brew it. 

I'll probably just stick to the mistletoe until I know whether or not the nurse was right about the diagnosis.  

I've always been a fan of Linus Pauling and used to take mega doses of vitamin C.  I was told that I didn't age.  I stopped doing that about five years ago when money became difficult.  I've actually started to wrinkle a little bit. 

Maybe $5 a month worth of ascorbic acid is not a vain habit.  Apparently vitamin C is alleged to help prevent cancer. 

I really don't remember getting this sick before.  I have had a cold since September.  

Maybe there is something to all of those supplements I used to take. 

I sure hope this helps someone. 

I really miss the grape vines and peach trees I grew up with.  I loved eating the seeds. 

Apparently, those seeds are a forbidden cancer cure - just like the mistletoe, essiac tea and vitamin C. 

It's not that I don't trust doctors - it's just that....

I've been misdiagnosed with cancer before. 

Cheers! 

What is the Meaning of a Smile?

Today I am thankful for people I see everyday.

In our lives, we have strangers that we see everyday.

There are the people who walk their dogs as we leave for work,

the little old lady waiting at the bus stop as we pass by,

the shoppers at the market every Thursday at 6:00,

even the little kids that cross the street like clockwork each afternoon as they leave school.


It's shocking to me how much we notice when one of these people are missing.

I often find myself praying when the man with the walker isn't in the park at noon.

Every day, since 2008, he has walked in the park.

He wasn't there today.

I wonder if he injured himself?


These are the people in the neighborhood.

The friends I could have....if we weren't always rushing around and about.

I never thought that they ever noticed me.

One did.

*****
I must be somewhat happy.

Life is stabilizing a little bit.

I'm finding ways of getting money to pay bills.

I'm finding refinance options for my student loans.

I'm fixing some things myself.

I've learned to cut hair.  My hair doesn't have the same curl as when I pay someone to cut it -but- at least I don't have frizz anymore.

I think it'll be okay.

My new job is nice.

I love the people.

One of my crushes from my last two former employers, joined the team.

It was nice when he ran up to hug me.

He wants tutelage in erotic hypnosis.

He wants verbal instruction so he can use it on his girlfriend.

So no.....there is no touching.

Just reports of his happy girlfriend.

He's happy because she's happy.

When he's happy, he smiles.

I like his smile.

It's worth being celibate.

Besides....I'm not sure he's the one for me.

I can't date if I'm still dreaming of someone from my past.  I need to learn the lesson from that relationship so I can move on.

I'll know when I learn the lesson because the crazy dreams will stop.

*****
I go to the local market to buy fruit, veggies and fresh bread on a daily basis.

I stare at the tofu (the noun....not the verb).

When I ate tofu, I was a size 8.

The doctor told me I was allergic so I began to eat other things (like chicken and beef).

I'm now a size 14.

It could have something to do with other protein sources I lost around 2001.

Maybe my mouth isn't wrinkled because I don't drink from a straw anymore.

I'm so afraid of the stalking that I trained myself not to look at men.

I notice them -but-

I don't notice them.

I ignore their flirtations.

My friend have to explain it to me.

******
A few months back, I met an Australian man everyone called "Boy."  We were in the arts district.

He was my age and handsome.  He thought we should hook up because my name means "girl."

I thought he was joking.

My friends didn't think so.

I've avoided the area so I don't feel tempted again.

*****
There are lots of stories like that....

the social worker who wants to know what I do on the weekends.....

the hot guy with the earring who stares at my butt....

the guy who always has to bend down in front of me to tie his shoe each and every time we meet....

the guy who hit my car and had to stop by my home several times to offer to fix it and then to hang out to talk about his mom....

I wonder what they want.

I'm prone to thinking that they just want friendship -but- my friends tell me that they want a tad bit more.

I thought these things stopped when we grew older.

*****

Today....

in the parking lot of a grocery store....

one of the men that I see every few days around the neighborhood

yelled at me from across the parking lot.

He said "Red, with that smile on your face I have to know what you have done!"

I didn't know how to respond.

I just waved.

Did I not smile all those other times we met?

Hmmmm......

maybe that explains the frown lines.

If we meet again, it is going to be awkward.

*****
There are those who say that a smile betrays discomfort and unease.

Maybe I'm just uncomfortable.

Maybe I'm happy that things are falling into place.

I don't know.

I really don't.

I hope you're comfortable.

I hope you're happy.

May your wildest dreams come true.

Love ya lots,

S.

Interviewing Lawyers

Today I am thankful for friends in the legal field.  

I had a friend ask me about Michael.  She is a paralegal who works for people arrested for driving while impaired.

I told her that my ex was allegedly in a 8-27 month in-patient drug and alcohol program which exempted him from paying child support.

She asked to see proof.

I gave her access to my email account.

As she scrolled through the emails, she laughed at my lawyer.

She laughed at the paralegal as she read the emails my lawyer's office sent to me.

Then she questioned their efficacy.

Apparently, my lawyer's paralegal doesn't use capital letters.

I never noticed.

My friend did.

She said that after spending $10,000 with a law firm, the least they could do is capitalize the pronoun I and begin their sentences with a capital letter.

She noted that neither my lawyer nor my paralegal ever answered my question of how and when to proceed.

She told me to demand a refund.

Lawyers tend to bill us just to complain.

Complaining will not do any good.  I may leave a review on Avvo after I hire someone else.  My review will be similar to many others that were posted in the past few months.

Could it be that my lawyer is sick and his paralegal is working outside of her scope of practice?

I don't know.

I just need to hire someone else.

I'd better work some mojo to get my money back in another way.

My friend pointed out numerous mistakes made in my case.

1.)  We needed proof that my ex had a drug problem and should have subpoenaed intake records showing his impairment.
2.) Voluntary living situations are not supposed to impact child support.
3.) The longest in-patient drug and alcohol program she works with is 6 months and that is for repeat offenders.

She said that it seems to her that my ex likes having free housing and being taken care of.  She said that he probably lied and said he had a drug or alcohol program to get the room.

I don't know.

Sigh......

*******

In the State of Colorado, people cannot just put forth a letter claiming to be in rehab and expect to be absolved of child support.

They cannot even expect to have it lowered without proof that they have a drug and alcohol program and have been court ordered to therapy.

She searched for a court case against my ex.  She couldn't find anyone with his name that was court ordered into drug or alcohol rehab.

So.....my lawyer misled me.

She also cautioned me about fretting over all of those oxycodone bottles.  She said that it was common for people to keep bottles of pills they don't use just in case they need them later.  It didn't mean he was an addict.

I have been told to start interviewing lawyers....pronto.

I was also told that even if my ex lowers his child support to a crazy level, which is what happened, he is still expected to pay it whether or not he is in rehab.

My lawyer is not very good.  I'm seeing this reflected in the reviews other people leave for him.

I'm sad.

If I wrote his name....you'd probably wonder why I couldn't figure it out.

His last name, quite literally, means leach.

Live and learn.  I spent enough money on this crap to have been able to buy each of my girls a decent used car.

My lawyer is greedy.

What is the State of Colorado's excuse?

I wonder WHY the Colorado Child Support Enforcement division isn't aware of state law?  They are the ones that pushed this situation to fruition.

I've still got a lot of research to do.

In truth, there is probably nothing I can do because my lawyer agreed with CO-PEP.  It's probably best for me to let my ex slink off and hide without helping.  On some level, I'm afraid if I do what is best for the kids, the stalking will pick up again.

I'm still trying to find lawmakers willing to listen to me and understand my arguments for defunding a program that rewards deadbeat parents and puts custodial parents and their children into financial dire straits.

I wanted to share this just in case another person found themselves in the same situation.  CO-PEP should not exist to excuse deadbeat parents.

It's got to go.

Love ya,

S.

Found Items and Hypnopompic Dreams

Today I am thankful that I've decided to love....no matter what.

I was wrong.

I was wrong when I tried to convince myself to stop loving people from my past.

There is nothing wrong with love: the only thing that can be wrong is what behavior we excuse in the name of love.

It's okay for me to care about and love people as long as I don't get myself into a situation where I'm helping them ruin their relationships.

I've decided stop hiding from people I care about.

I came to this decision due to a dream.

*****

I find white feathers while walking around.  In the past, when this happened, I'd run into people from my past....

okay it was a certain person.

I found a silver key.  The Pagans of old believed that when you found a key and picked it up....all you had to do is call out a name and the person would be yours.

I put the key on Aphrodite's altar.

I don't know whose name to call out.

Perhaps...I could have screamed out "Spot!"

I'd welcome a puppy despite my allergies.

I also keep finding red ribbon.  I tie them on my key chain and when it gets full, I put them in a box on Aphrodite's altar.

There is a red ribbon spell where you say a chant and a name of a potential lover to bring that person to you.

I haven't wanted anyone in so long, I truly can't remember the chant*.

Maybe I'll look it up in one of the Books of Shadows I've collected over the years.

I must've forgotten.....it's a grave insult to Aphrodite to turn away love. 

There is a song I'm always hearing.  I don't know what the song means but it seems like every time I turn on the car radio, I hear Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.  I'll download the song and meditate to it.

Maybe it's time for me to reckon with the sense of isolation I feel.  I made dumb decisions.  This is probably may way of realizing that my dumb decisions left me (and maybe someone else) lonely.

I hope I'm the only person impacted by my decision to be alone.

******
I awoke to a splendid vision.

It was of Aphrodite wearing an amazing, gleaming gold headdress over her strawberry blonde hair.  She's wearing a white dress and a golden belt.  She literally sparkled.  I felt her hover over the left side of my body.

On the right was Ares, The God of War and Aphrodite's great love, dressed in his armor.

In front of me was Eros, sparking of gold, holding up a box that resembled a movie screen.  On the screen, an image of a man curled up in the corner of a white tiled bathroom floor, writhing in pain played out for me.

The image grew closer and closer.

Within moments, I found myself as part of that scene, in the bathroom with the man writhing in pain on the floor.

I meditated on it.  In the meditation, I was trying to comfort the poor soul by laying near him and gently combing my fingers through his hair.

I didn't have the courage to look at his face.

Whoever he is, he deserving of human compassion.

It was a very interesting start to my day.

I've felt a little bit humbled.

I've found myself wondering.......

if a friend were in need......

would I ignore him?

I ignored people for a long time.

I was afraid to meet with people in public due to the stalking.

I wonder.....if I could have made a difference to someone by not hiding.

I'm done hiding today.

There may or may not be a man that I know who spent this morning writhing on a bathroom floor....

of course, with flu season as bad as it is.....

there just may be.

I've spend the better part of the day reflecting on the dream.

The only realization that I really have, outside of the need to stop hiding, is that all I really want for my friends is their happiness.

That's it.

May you be happy.

Love,

S.

* Talisman of Love: Red Ribbon Spell 

To discover a bit of red ribbon, string, wool, or piece of fabric indicates luck in love and a change in romantic fortunes.  Pick it up and make a wish. (If you can't think of one, requesting luck and happiness in love is more than appropriate.).  Carry the ribbon as an amulet (Julia Illes, The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells, p. 682). 

The More Time Passes, The More I Understand.

Today I am thankful for time.

It has been seven years to the day since I lost my favorite office in Arvada.

It was in a professional building that was a pharmacy when I was growing up.

This is the pharmacy where I bought cards for Tom, my high school sweetheart.  He bought me stuffed animals.

There were so many memories in that place.

My office was the one that used to be the room where they filled and stored the drugs.  I still had the little sliding window!

I loved it.

For the three years I was there, it felt like home.

It really felt like home.

When I locked up in the winter, I looked at the door and remembered Tom and I huddled with our hot cocoa in the doorway on cold winter nights.

It always made me smile.

The day I lost my office was the day Tom and I met for lunch for the final time.  He had a question for me but every time he asked it, I heard a whistle.

I looked to my right and saw two people watching me intently.  They looked familiar but I couldn't recognize them in their hats and coats.

During the lunch, my phone rang and I ignored it.

Tom left.  It was the saddest good-bye ever.  He approached me from behind after I ran to the powder room.  I could feel the sadness emanating from him.

He hugged me.  We walked to his car and he drove off.

That was when Doug approached me and called me Satan.  He tried to push me but some men on the street intervened.

I would later learn that he went into my office and hassled my billing clerk demanding to know where I went to church.  It scared my office-mates so much, I gave up my office and rented one in another city.

Shortly after Doug grabbed me, I checked my phone and saw that my ex-husband had called me wanting to know if I were okay.

It was too surreal.

It broke my heart when the police told me my ex-husband was behind it.

I'll never forget the date.  It was 1-11-11.

I miss that office.  It was decorated with jazz motifs.  On Friday, the coffee shop next door would have live jazz musicians.

My cousin and his wife owned the bridal shop next door.  My uncle would faint when he saw me lock up my office because I looked exactly like my mom (his deceased sister who died on her 36th birthday).

I could see young children playing in the fountain outside of my window.

An acoustic guitar was shop was one block away.  I took vocal lessons there on Fridays.

It was common to see old friends from high school roaming the streets on the weekends.

It was wonderful.

I never wanted to leave work!

How many people are lucky enough to work in a place that feels like home?

******

Even if I wanted to go back to the way things were, I can't.

My cousin died in 2014.  Now, if one were to look outside my old office window, they would see that the city erected a clock in his honor.

It's just a reminder that life isn't fair. 

I have another office.  I don't use it because I'm currently working two other part-time jobs trying to get on full time at one of them in the hopes that it will give me health insurance for the kids.  I'm on my own.  I have to do whatever it takes.

I may have to stop working one of the jobs for my health.

Three hours of sleep a night tend to lead one to the flu and a cough that won't quit.  I'm realizing that I can't keep trying to make my ex and the state happy.  If I work myself to death, the taxpayers will have to pay to raise my kids.  I have to cut back.

*****

This morning I realized that it has been about two years since a man has grabbed me on the street  and threatened me.

I haven't quite had a year free of hacking or property damage.

Perhaps, maybe, the physical stalking is finally over.

Maybe living in poverty is worth it.

*****.

I am writing to document what I found out today.

I mentioned the pills I found to the nineteen year old.

She stated that she thought she had packed all of his opioids away.  Apparently there are several bottles in a box that was moved into the storage unit that my ex wanted me to pay for not too long ago.

She also told me that when she had her root canal, her father took her oxycodone saying that he would dispose of it for her.

If this is true, it means that he truly does have a drug and/or alcohol problem.

I understand CO-PEP's justification now.  I just wish they were more forthcoming with the information.  If I had known he was an addict, I would have not had the lawyer request information about his finances. It cost me $3,670 just to find out what was going on.

I would have changed the visitation agreement to include some type of mental health professional.

I probably need to get them all therapists now.  I've got to figure out where to get the money.

That's okay.

My ex won't be out until most of the kids are in college.

I'll hire an attorney to solidify visitation prior to my ex seeing the youngest.

It turns out that I was wrong.

My ex was a drug addict.

How flippin' dense can I be?

It does explain why he can't hold a job.

He probably failed the drug screens at his jobs and that is why he couldn't hold them the last two years after we were divorced.

Ah, live and learn.

If his storage unit was foreclosed upon, I  wonder who wound up with all those drugs?

If he had that many, wouldn't it have been illegal?

I sure hope the police are contacted.

There is no reason for someone to have more than one bottle of an opioid pain-killer.

I'd be curious to know where he got them.

No matter.

The drug addiction explains a lot; it explains the bizarre behavior and the missing money.

Sigh.....

Hopefully this nightmare is finally over.

Love ya,

S.

Insight from a Bottle of Opiods

Today I am incredibly thankful that I followed the cat while cleaning the kitchen.


It appears that our rescue cat has a rattle.  I never really bothered to see what it was she was batting around the kitchen floor.

Eventually, she stopped.

In the back corner of the kitchen, behind a cabinet, I found a nearly full bottle of Oxycodone/Acetaminophen 10-325 that was prescribed to my ex-husband in 2015.

I'm very thankful I found it.  I'm carrying around with me until I can dispose of it.

Fortunately, my new employer has a drug collection site.

Wow.......

I had no idea that he was taking this medication -nor- did I know he left it in the house.

I've taken in two teenagers since he left!  One of them has a drug problem.

I am very thankful the cat found it first.

*****
I lost a 22 year old co-worker last spring due to her taking an Opioid.  She spent the night with a guy she barely knew.  She was housesitting with him and they were both found dead when the homeowners came back from their trip.

Her name is Phoenix.

It helps to remind myself that her spirit is immortal.

She was a kind young lady.  She'd take us older women out to clubs so that we could live a little.

She is so very missed.

It's not fair.

It's of little consolation that heaven has a new angel now.  I'd rather her be here.  The living need angels, too.

******

My ex is, allegedly, in a drug and alcohol rehab program for the next 8-27 months.  Due to his being in a voluntary rehab setting, he is freed from the responsibility of paying child support.

Yeah...I'm scrambling for money*. 

I wonder how many men know about this rehab/child support loophole?

The State of Colorado seems to approve of it.  I mean, they had three State Attorneys represent my ex to help him lower his support.  They lowered it by 50-60% per month.  That really doesn't help.  They may as well have just ended it for him.

In all reality, if he's in rehab he cannot work.  If he cannot work, he cannot pay child support.

In December, the judge wanted to throw him in jail for his failure to leave my home, stealing the money from the 401-K after our divorce and his refusal to pay child support.  As a libertarian, I do not believe in debtor's prison....so there is little I can do that'll help me sleep at night.

Scruples can be uncomfortable, can't they?

If he stays in rehab until the kids are grown, there really is no point to child support, is there?

Child support is intended to keep me off of welfare.  It is not collectible when the children hit the age of majority because it's purpose is to help families while the kids are still minors. 

Of course, libertarians prefer to avoid welfare, so the state has absolutely no interest in collecting child support from him.

Yeah, my scruples are getting the better of me yet again.

I'm on my own.

The State of Colorado chastised me because they were paying for my ex's clothes. Why would they do that?  He had taken about 10 boxes of clothing, most of the household tools and the children's new T.V.

He told me to donate about 20 boxes of clothing.  They went to a charity that helps disabled vets.  He wants me to donate about 50 (maybe more) boxes of sports collectibles.  I have no clue how to do that.

Maybe I can ask a politician if they're hosting a charity fund-raiser.  I don't really trust a lot of people....so my pickin's are slim there.

It would be funny if I could donate them to a fundraiser to help single parents afford attorneys or find jobs (because Colorado doesn't help them - the State of Colorado only helps deadbeat dads).

I'll ask a couple of lawyers I know.

******

Here is deal....my ex demanded money from me to pay for the storage unit that housed the assets he told the State of Colorado he didn't own.  In those emails, he stated emphatically that he doesn't have a substance abuse problem, he's in rehab for depression.

I believe him.....somewhat.  I just have never heard of a 27 month rehab program for depression and/or drug or alcohol abuse.

I only have a graduate degree in psychology and several drug and alcohol counseling certificates.

It could be that I may have missed something in my training.

I don't know.....

Now, I'm wondering.....well........if he had a drug or alcohol program, wouldn't the pill bottle have been empty?

It was prescribed about the time he had a wrist surgery.

No, it wasn't a self-inflected injury, at least that I know of.  He fell out of the back of a semi and caught the ground with his hand.

If this were the only prescription that was filled, he didn't use it?

Unless.....he misplaced it and ordered others?

That doesn't sound like him.

I'm thinking that he is being honest when he says he doesn't have a drug and alcohol problem.

I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm going to tear up the house to make sure there are no more drugs laying around.

******

I've been sick since September.  I do not have health insurance because I was laid off in May and have been working a series of temp jobs since.

My new employer is only hiring on a temp basis for now.  I like the company so I'll stick around.

My illness started as congestion and moved into my lungs.  My lips were blue and I couldn't breathe.

I went to the ER and they told me it was stress, so I was popping various psych drugs.  I started with Paxil which made me faint.

I started taking Buspirone until I couldn't think anymore.  I think the psych drugs are given me anxiety attacks.

I feel better without them.

Last week, it moved into my ears.  I could barely move my head due to the pain.

As a single mom, I cannot afford to miss a day of work so I had to find a way to cope.

I have a little box of pills that I need to turn over to the drug take back pharmacies.  It has 81 Paxil capsules and 20 Buspirone pills.  It has various allergy meds.  It also had a 13 day supply of  Augementin (an antibiotic).  It was prescribed for my daughter last year but it turns out she didn't have an infection, so I had to stop giving it her.

I kept it until I could get rid of it in a safe way.

Well....I've been taking it.  I can finally hear people.  My lips are no longer blue and I'm feeling more and more like myself.

I'm also realizing that, at my age, I cannot humanly work three jobs.  I'm having trouble with my full time job and my business.

I've decided to give up delivery driving.

I may even give up my hypnosis business IF the health company hires me full time.  They need people in their behavioral health advice center.  I think that would be a fun fit for me.

I'm also thinking about moving to California.  That's were this company is headquartered.

I'll have to take it one day at a time.

Maybe, rather than trying to find a full time job with benefits to make up for what my ex doesn't do....

I should consider working for myself full-time.

I'm burning the candle at both ends and making myself sick.

I'm not making very much money.

I'm going to have to give thought into working smarter rather than harder.  One can have too many jobs.  I have to pare down and keep myself well.

The children cannot afford for me to be sick again.

******
I am interviewing attorneys.

My gut feeling says that Drama Kings will create more drama.  I'll need an attorney if and when my ex leaves his voluntary rehab and wants to exercise his visitation.

I don't know what to expect or when to expect it.

I don't even know if this guy has a real substance abuse problem and what to do if the kids are exposed to drug abuse.

This is new to me.

I don't think my ex is done.

He always needs attention.

I should prepare for whatever is next.

I am struggling with the concept of letting this guy off of the hook completely.

I don't think it is legally possible: Colorado law is clear (or at least, it used to be). Children need support from both parents.  It is impossible for a woman to sign away child support from the non-custodial parent absent a step-parent adoption.

My hands are tied.

That could be the game.  He could simply want to be free of the responsibility of child support.  Until he is free, I'm sure he's willing to impoverish himself and be unavailable for a relationship with the kids.

I shouldn't care.

Mentally, I'm trying to think as though this guy doesn't exist in my world.

I'm trying to act as if he has no stake in anything financial pertaining to the kids (which is hard while filling out college entrance packets).

In reality, he will never help.

I really and truly want to know why the State of Colorado is helping my ex escape child support but countless other men don't get any help.

I don't know.

I have researched the forerunner of the CO-PEP program; it was called the Parent Opportunity Project. The State of Colorado had a little experiment with deadbeat dads back in the nineties.  Back then, only 31% of the respondents paid child support.  By the end of the program, only 37% of the respondents paid child support.

I don't think taxpayers got much out of their $10,000,000 investment.

It hardly seems worth the effort.

Maybe the Gods want me to educate the public about this nonsense.

At the very least the lawyers at CO-PEP need to understand domestic violence.  They chastised me for stating that the other adult in my household was our 19 year old daughter.  They wrote back and wanted it stricken from the record because it wasn't legally required that I help our child after high school.  They didn't get it....if I hadn't disclosed that, my ex would assume the other adult was a significant other.

Given the stalking....um...I can't have a significant other without creating a world of hurt for myself and the kids.

The more I think about it, the more I am able to drill down why I am so angry about the government.

One day I'll meet someone in power gunning to take CO-PEP down.  By that time, I'll know exactly what to say and what evidence to share.

I'll meditate on how I am supposed to proceed.  When I used to meditate all the time, money seemed to come naturally to me.  It's time I re-awakened that part of myself.

I feel like I am floating around without a rudder.

I hope I hurry up and learn the lesson associated with this experience so I can move forward.

May your life see you moving forward towards all your heart desires.

Love ya lots,

S

Next Day Edit:  It dawned on me that my ex may be lying about CO-PEP putting him in a treatment program for 27 months.  In all my research, I cannot find another story about a non-custodial parent being given this option.  One would think that either a custodial parent would complain -or- a non-custodial parent would give them a rave review.

I have found people on Quora who state that CSE has erroneously cut child support due to it's failure to investigate false claims of no income by non-custodial parents. 

That's about it right now. 

There is this idea that welfare will take care of the kids so child support isn't necessary. 

Yeah...right.

While it is certainly unfair that payments be high, it is unfair that they be zeroed out, too (unless someone is disabled).

I have to find a way to get this in front of the Feds.

Ooooh......Music I'd LOVE to Make

Today I am thankful the people I meet in Boulder.

Boulder is about 30 minutes away from the town where I grew up.

I visit a few times a year so I can stock up on Celestial Seasonings tea.

I try not to buy many things in Boulder as they have a baggie tax.

I hate regressive taxes.

I love the students at the University of Colorado.

I love how inspired I am to take on weirdos at the Statehouse when I leave that horribly liberal city.

But this......

this.......

I'd love to be in a band that does this!!

Someone invited me to a rock music mantra event.

Oh my......I'd love to do this!

I could wear my bohemian ritual clothes, spin around with my bass like a whirling Dervish

and sing mantras all day!

That's my dream job.

For the first time in my life, the people in Boulder have inspired me to do a tad more than fight tax hikes and b!tch.

I should revel in the moment.

Maybe....if I put the right energy into the universe, I'll find myself doing this in the near future.

May you find activities that bring you joy, too.

Love ya,

S.

The Meaning of My Daughter's Dream

Today I am thankful for the insight of dreams. 

I'll start by sharing the backstory.  

I have a zombie love.  

It's more than 30 years old. 

It should be dead.  

In reality, it died in May of 1987.  

It came back, over and over through the years.....

like the undead.  

The heartbreak has been a constant companion throughout my adult life. 

It's a part of who I am.  

When I see him, which happens from time to time, I feel the same ache.  

When people ask about him, which happens more often that I'd like, it brings back the loss. 

In fact, once while visiting the city in which we grew up, I had a psychiatrist buddy of mine remark that I have aura of a woman who lost her best friend. 

I reek of personal loss. 

I have accepted it.  

It's part of my story

I really wouldn't know what to do if I felt another way.

It's a part of me.

It has made me the person that I am today.

It has also made me far too cautious of relationships with the opposite sex.

*******
We have met a few times over the years.  The first ten years or so, I did everything in my power to avoid our home town.

Yes, I actually ran away when I saw him in public and did everything in my power to avoid the area his parents lived.  They lived three blocks away from my in-laws.

I really don't know what to do when he appears to try to straighten me out. 

It's not his responsibility. 

The heartbreak is such a big part of who I am.....I don't know how to live without it.  

It just is.

The lessons are good for me. 

******

His name was Thomas. 

I called him Tom.  

It was one of those relationships when I wasn't really sure if we were dating, no matter what we did. 

I think I was swimming in 'de Nile. 

Other people had to explain it to me.  It was a math teacher who used Tom and I as an example when giving word problems to the class about couples and financial planning.  

The ol' guy was pretty sharp.  

******

The thing with Tom and I....is....well.....we were too much alike in some ways.  

We looked so much alike that people mistook him for my brother.  

We differed in other ways.  He was more reliable, practical and predictable than I. 

I'm fairly bohemian. 

He wore nice clothes.  

I'm happy dressing in thrift shop clothes that look like they were donated in the sixties.  

He drives nice, reliable cars. 

I always wanted a beat-up VW van with peace signs and flowers painted on it.

It couldn't have worked.  

The universe helped us see that.  The relationship ended when I was offered a music scholarship at a college two hours away.  

He handed me a note saying he was breaking up with me. 

I threw it into a book and didn't read it.  

I thought he'd be happier. 

I didn't understand why he would always seem to be just a few steps away.

My ex-husband found the note 20 years later, opened it and read it.  At the time we were sleeping apart.  His family wanted us divorced.  My ex was ecstatic when he explained that my first love never wanted to leave me.  The note explained that he was leaving me so I wouldn't use our relationship as an excuse to avoid college.

That wouldn't have happened.

Finding this out 20 years later didn't change a thing.  I couldn't even understand my ex-husband's excitement at finding the note.

Twenty years is like a lifetime!  What a heart wants at 17 is not usually the same thing it wants at 37!

It was creepy that my stalker ex was going through my stuff.  It turns out he was hunting down these things I had long forgotten and asking his cousin to find Tom to return them. I wouldn't find out about that for another eight years.

That broke my heart and scared the holy hell out of me.  How dare he try to bring my zombie love back to life?

Sigh.....

In typing this now, I realize that I still haven't finished college.  My initial aspiration was towards a Ph.D.  I only have a Master's.  I promised my mother that I'd get a doctorate while she lay dying from my step-father's assault.  It was the last promise I made to her.  I still haven't kept it.  

Maybe I cannot have a relationship until I finish school.

I'll have to ponder that.  

******
One should be wary if their family brings up taboo names during Christmas dinner.

This happens too much.

My family loved Tom.

My sister was very upset that we didn't marry.

There was a horrible Christmas when Tom witnessed my sister being thrown out into the street by an uncle who was supposed to be her foster parent.  My uncle gave her to the man who killed our mother.  This man shot himself in front of my sister.  The police brought my sister to her legal home and my uncle threw her out into the snow.

Tom was aghast!  I was too angry to feel.

I rarely speak to my uncle.  My uncle and I have an understanding.  He is an asshole and I don't trust him.  My eyes are on him and I go after him when he tries to steal property from my other relatives.

I'm a mean person!

I heard about that just a few weeks ago, on Christmas Eve.  My sister appreciated Tom.  She appreciated how I fought for her. 

My sister mentioned Tom within earshot of my 19 year old daughter.

Sigh....

He was a gentleman.

He looked a lot like me.

I, according to my sister, was happy when I was with Tom (although I think he'd beg to differ).

He looked like my daughter's boyfriend.   Yeah...they both are tall and have a hipster vibe going on....

I zoned out from the conversation.

I let the conversation remind me of the emptiness that is my constant companion.  The emptiness I used to fill with books, saxophones, guitars, microphones, keyboards and mixing boards.

To this very day, thoughts of Tom make me run for my recording studio.  In fact, he doesn't know this, but he inspired several hypnosis videos and recordings that help people move on after the loss of love.

I even have one to help guys ask women out.  I don't maintain my YouTube channels.  People are still passing them around on file sharing websites.  I'm okay with that.

To this day, people write to ask what inspired those works.  I rarely answer.  I got one on Saturday.  Maybe I'll email this man, answer his question, and send him a link to an updated sound file.

I try to fill the emptiness with stuff.

******

It's hard to explain this...but...I truly believe we were meant to be together for a short period of time during our formative years.

That relationship made me a softer and kinder person.

Imagine me....meaner.

Yeah, he fixed that (just a little bit....I'm still a heathen).

When I miss him, there is a thought that makes me fill the emptiness with joy.

I imagine him happily married.

Now, I don't know if this is the case.  It makes me happy.  It takes away the pain.

It keeps me from spending hours hunched over my microphones talking at the acoustic panels that fills my bedroom walls.

I'm never dating again....so I made my bedroom useful.

It is one my recording areas.

And, yeah.....another classmate invited me to the 30th class reunion. 

I don't want to go.

It would break my heart to see Tom single and alone again.  It would hurt even more if I were sharing dinner with another man while spying him alone.

I think I'll decline the date.

It's better if I do not know Tom's fate.

I think I like swimming in de Nile.

Come on in.....the water's fine!

******
As much as I pray for the happiness of other people.

It never dawned on me that other people want to see me happy.

Until my daughter told me of a dream.

In this dream, I'm with a man who is taller than I.

He looks just like me.

He's kissing me by the front door and I am happy.

His name is Tom.

Oh, in this dream, my daughter is pregnant and looking forward to the new adventure awaiting her.

And better yet, her siblings are happy because they have someone that can teach them to code and plays video games with them*.

******

She asked me for the meaning of the dream.

I know she wants to believe I'm going to see this guy again

or find some kind of love and be happy.

That's not the meaning of the dream.

My daughter's life is pregnant with possibilities.

She's nineteen. 

It's time for her grand adventure.

I get the sense that she's afraid to leave the nest until she sees that I'm happy.

It's not her responsibility to make anyone happy outside of herself.

So now, I'm trying to find a way to convince her that I'm deliriously happy so she can move forward with her life -

and bring life to her creations....

her possibilities.

It's all about happiness. 

She wants my happiness.

She wants her siblings to be happy.

I want her happiness.

I'm realizing that I can help her find her happiness by giving her permission to move forward in her life.

I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made.

I want her to live HER life....not mine.

I want her to trust that her siblings will find what they need to be happy.  *I'm also realizing that they are disappointed in my coding skills and inability to play video games newer than Frogger.

At nineteen, your primary job is to take risks and find out who you are.

I don't want to rob her from that.

Maybe if I save up for Botox injections, I can engineer a permanent smile on my face.

In all seriousness, it's time to get all of them out of the house and prepare them for the adventure that is to become their life.

Watching them bloom, should help me smile.

If I give the appearance of happiness, perhaps I give others permission to be happy, too.

It's a lot to think about.

******

I'll be lucky if I live long enough to clean up the messes that have been brought to my door.

My sh!t list just keeps getting longer.

I'll probably have to run for office to go after the Colorado Department of Transportation (aka CDOT).  The leadership must be profiting off of toll roads as they are splitting the profits with a private company (someone must have stock in this company).  There has to be a way to make it illegal for them to sign contracts that indebt taxpayers without a vote of the people....sigh.

Perhaps TABOR needs strengthened.

I'll never be nice.  In just a few years, my red hair will fade to white and I'll be a vicious Irish b!tch disguised as Andy Warhol.

I can't wait!

Love ya,

S.

Federal Rules for CSPED ignored by COPEP

Today I am thankful for downloads on the internet.

Today I downloaded information about the The National Child Support Noncustodial Parent Employment Demonstration (CSPED).  It would seem that Arapahoe County is ignoring the rules.

I am also thankful that the people funding CO-PEP understood that domestic violence is often a part of family life.  They have accounted for this fact by partnering offices with a domestic violence expert.  My ex should also have a case manager.  Is that person aware of the stalking and nutty messages I receive now?

My ex was my stalker.  He claims to be a victim who is homeless and voluntarily in a 27 month rehab program for alcoholics (even though he swears up and down he's not a drinker - I've never seen him drink alcohol either because the doc said it would kill him).

CO-PEP is a division of the Child Support Enforcement office.  My ex reached out to them to lower his child support payments.

They did.  They asked for information, promised to help me find a job and demanded that I hire an attorney.  They cut his child support by more than 60%.

Of course, they don't help custodial parents find work.  The program that helps laid off individuals find jobs was cut by the Trump administration.

I know another program, I'd LOVE to see the Republicans cut.  Here's a hint: It's The National Child Support Noncustodial Parent Employment Demonstration (CSPED)!

Of course, since CO-PEP put him in a 27 month rehab program, he won't be able to pay me a penny until most of the children are out of the house.  He cannot work.  He cannot help with medical expenses or paying the testing fees for the high school.  He will not help them learn to drive.

I'm on my own.

My ex has sent me messages suggesting that he is my victim.  He demands money. He says he doesn't care about the kids and writes that I can do whatever I want with visitation.

There is so much darn manipulation that I stopped reading and responding to his messages.  The only reason he can contact me is if he wants to see the kids.

If he's in rehab for the next two and a quarter years, he won't be able to exercise his visitation.

I'm not going to respond any more.  It's exhausting. 

CO-PEP has been his partner in creating drama and more abuse.  At least it seems that way.

It seems to me that the Feds knew that programs that coddle non-custodial parents will cater to domestic abusers.  It will give the impression that the Feds agree with the abuser and be used as a bully club to get the victim to cave into demands.  These programs can give abusers the idea that they are a victim.  They can give the true victims the idea that no one cares.

It is just another way for an abuser to continue the financial abuse.  I think that is why they were trying to head that off with access to a domestic violence expert.

In my original documentation, I clicked the box that stated there was domestic violence present.  I did not elect to hide my address from the abuser because.....well...he and his family have stalked me at my home.

They know where I live. 

Hiding my address would have been just plain silly.

Many domestic abusers refuse to pay child support so that they can limit the options for their ex.  In many cases, such as my own, they do this in the hopes of reconciling and living with their victim again.

The last time I saw my ex, it was at a bus stop in July.  He wanted documents.  I provided them.  I told him about a job offer from a neighbor who manages a call center for a very large corporation.  The job would be a foot in the door and they had numerous accounting opportunities.  My ex was a half-of an hour late to the bus stop,.  He met me clutching a suitcase.  I left after he started yelling at me because he wasn't interested in a job paying only $15.50 an hour.

A few weeks later, he told me that he was homeless.  At this time, the city in which I live was funding his apartment.  I wonder what he did to lose that benefit?

My daughter said he's trying to come back into our family home.

That must've been why he connected with CO-PEP.

CO-PEP said that he can only make $12 an hour and adjusted his support accordingly.  It appears he held a $12 an hour job for less than a month.  Prior to this, he made $50,000 per year as an accountant.

It doesn't matter what I do, I am wrong.

I stopped enabling him or trying to help.

I think taxpayers ought to stop enabling domestic abusers who don't want to take financial responsibility for their children.

There must be a reason why the original concept for the non-custodial parent employment project included a domestic violence component.

There are other things about CO-PEP that disturb me.  They ignored the information I shared.  I am very organized and sent them years of documentation about my ex's wages.  They ignored me and told me to get a lawyer.

I was promised a mediation session with my ex.  I was told I had to agree to changes in mediation.

They also ignored letters from my attorney's office.  They pushed forward with a court date.  I was told that if my ex could provide a letter stating that he was in a voluntary rehab, he wouldn't need to pay child support and that a judge could vacate it.

I was stuck.  Why is it the kids' fault that my ex is pretending to be a drunk?

My understanding is that voluntary choices should not impact child support.

Maybe the rules don't apply to manipulative men.

To a domestic violence victim, especially one who had been stalked, being ignored is a painful reminder that no one really cares to hear about the abuse.  It keeps her irrelevant.  It shows, yet again, that the abuser will win because domestic violence (even stalking) is accepted as normal by the authorities.

Police wouldn't take reports.  CO-PEP ignored the information I shared which proved my ex made $50,000 a year at his last real job.  The authorities don't care.

Again.....the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  NO wonder he's slimy.

Do you want to take a bet as to who can tell the story louder?

It's NOT my ex.

I'll leave the link to the Pdf. here.

https://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/programs/css/csped_fact_sheet_1_march_2015.pdf

******
The original point to The National Child Support Noncustodial Parent Employment Demonstration (CSPED) and the Colorado Parent Employment Project (CO-PEP) was to help non-custodial parents find employment and have relationships with their children.  It was supposed to help meet the best interests of the children.

In this instance, it failed miserably.

I am hoping that I am the exception rather than the rule.

Knowing what I know about government offices,  I'm going to bet my experience IS common.

All it did was put me into debt because I had to hire an attorney to get them to talk to me.  So far, just to get information, it cost me $3,670.  My attorney only charges me $200 an hour!  That is a lot of back and forth with CO-PEP just to try to figure out what is going on!

Allegedly, CO-PEP put my ex in a voluntary rehab program for alcoholics that will keep him from working or seeing the children for 27 months.

They are also giving my ex an excuse not to cooperate with the court.  He actually has the impression that CO-PEP are working on his behalf (rather than the children).

My ex sent me numerous emails stating that he didn't have to share his mailing address with the court because CO-PEP "knew where he was at."

He also doesn't feel the need to cooperate.  The court is now sending his documentation to my home.  I just put it back in the mail hoping that USPS forwards it to him.  I doubt my ex updated his mailing address.

I KNOW the City of Aurora offers mailing addresses to homeless people.  Even if he is truly homeless, he has no excuse NOT to receive his mail.

CO-PEP succeeded at lowering his child support.  I had to agree because I couldn't afford paying my lawyer more than $4,000.  As of this writing, there are no child support payments scheduled (because my ex, allegedly, cannot work for the next 27 months).  There is no plan to re-visit the issue or address his $42,000 in arrearages.

Something is off.

I'm currently trying to find out who I need to inform about CO-PEP's failures.  Do I go to the Feds?  Do I go to my state lawmakers?  Do I go to the press?

They're lucky I have to work three jobs - if I didn't, I'd run for the state house.   The press would do me good.

The Gods put me in these situations because I can sing about the issues.  Back in the day, I was in a country band.  Singing miserable songs (albeit badly) comes naturally to me.

Love ya,

S.

.