Skip to main content

What is the Meaning of a Smile?


Today I am thankful for people I see everyday.

In our lives, we have strangers that we see everyday.

There are the people who walk their dogs as we leave for work,

the little old lady waiting at the bus stop as we pass by,

the shoppers at the market every Thursday at 6:00,

even the little kids that cross the street like clockwork each afternoon as they leave school.


It's shocking to me how much we notice when one of these people are missing.

I often find myself praying when the man with the walker isn't in the park at noon.

Every day, since 2008, he has walked in the park.

He wasn't there today.

I wonder if he injured himself?


These are the people in the neighborhood.

The friends I could have....if we weren't always rushing around and about.

I never thought that they ever noticed me.

One did.

*****
I must be somewhat happy.

Life is stabilizing a little bit.

I'm finding ways of getting money to pay bills.

I'm finding refinance options for my student loans.

I'm fixing some things myself.

I've learned to cut hair.  My hair doesn't have the same curl as when I pay someone to cut it -but- at least I don't have frizz anymore.

I think it'll be okay.

My new job is nice.

I love the people.

One of my crushes from my last two former employers, joined the team.

It was nice when he ran up to hug me.

He wants tutelage in erotic hypnosis.

He wants verbal instruction so he can use it on his girlfriend.

So no.....there is no touching.

Just reports of his happy girlfriend.

He's happy because she's happy.

When he's happy, he smiles.

I like his smile.

It's worth being celibate.

Besides....I'm not sure he's the one for me.

I can't date if I'm still dreaming of someone from my past.  I need to learn the lesson from that relationship so I can move on.

I'll know when I learn the lesson because the crazy dreams will stop.

*****
I go to the local market to buy fruit, veggies and fresh bread on a daily basis.

I stare at the tofu (the noun....not the verb).

When I ate tofu, I was a size 8.

The doctor told me I was allergic so I began to eat other things (like chicken and beef).

I'm now a size 14.

It could have something to do with other protein sources I lost around 2001.

Maybe my mouth isn't wrinkled because I don't drink from a straw anymore.

I'm so afraid of the stalking that I trained myself not to look at men.

I notice them -but-

I don't notice them.

I ignore their flirtations.

My friend have to explain it to me.

******
A few months back, I met an Australian man everyone called "Boy."  We were in the arts district.

He was my age and handsome.  He thought we should hook up because my name means "girl."

I thought he was joking.

My friends didn't think so.

I've avoided the area so I don't feel tempted again.

*****
There are lots of stories like that....

the social worker who wants to know what I do on the weekends.....

the hot guy with the earring who stares at my butt....

the guy who always has to bend down in front of me to tie his shoe each and every time we meet....

the guy who hit my car and had to stop by my home several times to offer to fix it and then to hang out to talk about his mom....

I wonder what they want.

I'm prone to thinking that they just want friendship -but- my friends tell me that they want a tad bit more.

I thought these things stopped when we grew older.

*****

Today....

in the parking lot of a grocery store....

one of the men that I see every few days around the neighborhood

yelled at me from across the parking lot.

He said "Red, with that smile on your face I have to know what you have done!"

I didn't know how to respond.

I just waved.

Did I not smile all those other times we met?

Hmmmm......

maybe that explains the frown lines.

If we meet again, it is going to be awkward.

*****
There are those who say that a smile betrays discomfort and unease.

Maybe I'm just uncomfortable.

Maybe I'm happy that things are falling into place.

I don't know.

I really don't.

I hope you're comfortable.

I hope you're happy.

May your wildest dreams come true.

Love ya lots,

S.






Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....

Temporary Ending

Dear Readers: Over the past three weeks, I attended both a city councilperson's town hall and the mayoral town hall. Despite battling the flu, I dedicated two days to watching all available city council meetings and study sessions on YouTube in between bouts of cold chills. What I observed was a troubling pattern of disregard for honesty and disrespect towards citizens, the rule of law, and the influence of partisan politics. It has become evident that certain issues transcend the scope of a mere community art project. This realization prompted me to raise my voice, a departure from my usual composed demeanor. After discussing the situation with my family, we collectively decided to remain in Aurora. It is clear that true leadership entails making tough decisions rather than simply following personal desires. I look forward to the opportunity to address these concerns further in a different forum. Warm regards, S.  P.S. There will be a new website. 

Visiting the Graveyard in my Hometown and Addressing Fears I'll Soon Join the Party

 Today I am thankful for a laugh.  It didn't start out funny.  My aunt visits once a week to use the washer and dryer.   My new dryer broke just a few days out of warranty so we dried her clothes outside. While standing outside, she took me aside an said "I don't want to alarm you, but....." then she got silent.  I pointed at the shed.  "Are you worried about all the stuff pulled out of the shed?", I asked.  "Yes.", she replied.  "That happens all the time!"   She advised me to chain the door.  I've done that.  The thief just tears the roof off.  It's easier just to keep crap in it I don't care about so the thief can rummage and take what he or she wants.  Again, I was advised to consider moving, especially after finding a full gas can in the mess.  My aunt is afraid my ex-husband is going to kill me.  I've been court-ordered to live here for another two years.  Sigh.... I'm sure a judge would allo...