Pain in the Neighborhood

Today I am thankful for yesterday when the only pain I had was that of a broken heart.   

My kids lost a friend.  He hadn't been to school since Friday. 

We found out why today.


He died in an accident.

They have a broken heart.  That hole will probably always be there.


The young man was thirteen years old. My daughters would play at his house on Tuesdays.  He wanted to teach my youngest how to play drums but she wasn't really interested in it.  He was a football player and a friend. 

My youngest is the best friend of this child's surviving brother.  Since the day they met in Kindergarten, they have been inseparable.  Now, they are both in the fourth grade.  It is very hard to console her because she is worried about her friend.

This is hard.  I can't imagine how a nine year old processes this kind of grief.

I'm at a loss for words and wondering what the parents would want me to do.  I can't even imagine what they and their younger son are going through. 

Hug your kids tightly.

Life is short. 


Love,


S.

How to Break Up with a Stalking Victim

Today I am thankful for my new found resolve to be alone. 

In short, you get a stalking victim to run away when you threaten to harass her.  You send her a ton of messages and voicemails in the span of three hours when her phone is charging in the car.  You  threaten to discredit her in them.  You call her names.  You claim she's a sociopath.  You claim she's a nobody.

I think it was the nobody comment that hurt the most.  I want to be somebody's somebody.  I don't want to make love to a guy who thinks I'm a nobody. 

 

There were more things said.  They were horrible.  They have increased my resolve to be alone.  I am having a couple of guys hit on me hard (despite me saying that I want to be alone).  My ex-husband tried to kiss me.  All I want to do is cry. 

I know Steve will probably root around wanting to know what killed our relationship.  In short, he threatened to ruin my reputation, so I can't ever have sex with him or tell him any dirty, deep, dark fantasy.  That's a shame.  I really love him.  Without sex, without trust, and without two-way respect love will die. 

If Steve really wants to know why I never want to see him again, he can read the rest of this post. 

It is true that I do not feel fit for a relationship.  I am going to try to re-orient myself to a life of celibacy.  This wasn't the best experience to have. 

******

Steve sent me seven text messages,

three emails,

thirty-four phone calls to my cell phone,

and two phone calls to my home phone number.

He did this between 8:50 P.M. and 12:15 A.M.

He did this after I called him a great guy. Apparently his ex called him that and it pissed him off.

He said that he wanted to block me on Facebook.

Then he messaged me again complaining that he had previously blocked me so he was barred from blocking me for 48 hours.

I blocked him as to honor his wishes.

*****

Then....the shit hit the fan. The phone calls came in so fast and furious that the little red battery icon on my cell phone showed up! I had to put the phone on Airplane mode while I dug the charger out of the car.

I don't know....

*****

What started this tirade?

Well....he made a post claiming that the government puts "guns to peoples' heads” because they eat potato chips.

I didn't want him to embarrass himself so I told him that governments do not do that. They levy sin taxes on common products that they do not want people to consume.

He said that I did not know what I'm talking about. I told him that was an inflammatory statement. Really...that is the kind of statement that would freak out people who love salty snacks. It could scare someone.  I mean, I would probably grab my glock if I thought the junk food police were coming after me.  I'm a little bit gullible.   

He claimed that he found my statement that this was inflammatory to be inflammatory.

Oh...okay....

I fought three tax hikes successfully. I don't do these things alone. There are a group of us. My ex-husband is the one that crunches the numbers. Another guy researches. Another guy does the PR. Another guy gives bombastic speeches to educate the voters. I come up with the slogans and the sayings. I often build the websites. I talk to the legislators.

I do have guilt because I didn't even try to fight the snack tax because I was going through a divorce. If I took that opportunity, I may know more about the issue. I know they do this. I'm not stupid.

I tried to tell him that governments tend to regulate common products differently than drugs. I tried to tell him that the new taxes often spur market changes and cited a story from 2008 where various potato chip makers started using rice flour as to skirt a new potato chip sin tax.

Apparently, some guy with a PhD. in philosophy used the example of the government holding a gun to a potato chip eater's head as a means to educate people about the stupidity of cannabis prohibition.

Oh...this guy's liberal science degree makes the statement accurate?

Pot prohibition is a thing of the past in our state.  They tax it here.  They don't hold a gun to anyone's head who possess less than one ounce.

 

Did the fact that I do not have a PhD. in philosophy makes me stupid in Steve's eyes?

Steve sent me this in this in an email:

You are being so completely irrational... you were attacking me IN DEFENSE OF THE DRUG WAR!!! ME repeating an argument against the drug war made by someone twice as smart as you and 100 times influential discredits your political work?! What political work, you're a nobody compared to that guy! You are an absolute uneducated idiot compared to that guy! And the "people" you want to impress are upset by anti-drug war arguments?! Well then, you are trying to impress the wrong people - you are picking some pretty shitty immoral people to impress. Perhaps that explains your behavior toward me?

What anarchism? Who was talking about anarchism?

The whole video he even says "This line of argumentation cannot defend anarchism". You are totally ignorant of what's in the video, just making shit up treat me like crap. Like "someone who doesn't want to focus on what is going on". You don't know what I want to focus on. You don't understand what I said, you probably won't even understand this sentence for several days.

Your in a total fantasy land.

I'm not responding to any of your irrational non-sense until you regain a firm grip on reality.

Oh...then I got several emails saying that I was picking on him because I met his mother the other day. It goes on and on. No...I was just trying to point out that the metaphor was not one that would resonate with the public because it is not true.

Maybe I needed to send him more news articles to reference.

They are beginning to tax pot, too.

This is what government officials do: They tax.

He needs to find another talking point.

I was trying to keep him from embarrassing himself.

This is why Steve has labeled me as a sociopath. 

 

I only have a master's degree in psychology -but- sociopaths don't try to keep people from embarassing themselves. 

*****

It only got worse from there. I spent a little over $200 on tickets to a Pagan festival. I really don't have money to spend on myself. I thought I was investing in a relationship.

He went on to attack me in emails. Then he went to his Facebook wall to complain that I was making personal attacks on him, I realized that I was not willing to spend three days at a Pagan festival with him. This is a love and fertility festival.

Uh....NO!

So, I asked him if he wanted the tickets. He dutifully gave me several responses. Here is one:

If you want me to have the tickets so fucking much... you better demonstrate rational reasoning to me soon.....

 

 

I do not know how to tell him that politicians like sin taxes anymore than I already have. They don't point guns in a person's face for eating junk food. They try to make it too expensive to market and/or consume said junk food!

They'll point a gun in your face if your selling meth but not potato chips. That is reality.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, especially if he prefers kool-aid.

*****

So...I gave him the night to mull it over before offering the tickets to my Pagan buddies on Facebook. I gave him fair warning. I sent a message.

Okay....I'll put the tickets up on Facebook.

 

Look....you say that I am not living in reality. You're right. The reality is that I cannot have a relationship until I fix my life.

 

There is no point going further. Take care.

 

 

This was his response.

Cool. I'll see you Friday and we can go shopping. Glad you changed your mind and we are understanding each other now.

Whoa!! I must have mis-communicated something. I quickly tried to clarify things.

My understanding is exactly the opposite. We are not going to see each other again. I can't be told how to think.

 

This is probably not about sin taxes. This is probably because I cannot fix my life. I will end the relationship and not seek male companionship until my life changes drastically.

 

If you want the tickets, you can claim them on Facebook. I will also get out of the NVC group.

 

Take care.

 

 

He posted on my Facebook account that he was on the bus to my house. My ex sent me a message saying that he was on his way to the house to put a stop to whatever was going on.

Steve showed up on the doorstep.

I promptly started the car and gave him a ride back to work. Shortly thereafter, my ex-husband sent me a text message saying that he was at the house. 

I never got to get a good understanding of what Steve was trying to say. We were interrupted by a call from my teenager's school counselor. She threatened suicide. It is due to the stalking. She is tired of me talking about it. She is tired of it impacting our lives; how we answer the phone, how we lock the doors, and when we leave the house. She is upset that we don't have any money anymore.

I have to stop the stalking. I have to stop wasting time with people who upset me. I have to give more time to my children.

Steve said he felt good about the conversation. He thought we were understanding each other. I didn't feel the same. I came home and read some of the earlier messages that he had sent. There were some I hadn't seen. They were rude and painful to read.

I asked him if he thought we were good for each other. The messages made it clear that he wanted someone with a doctorate, holding a professorship, and someone that had more political clout. They make it clear that he thinks I am too dumb for him. I turned down an associate professorship years ago. Perhaps we could make it work if I tried to get a job like that again?

 

*****

My phone quickly ran out of juice. Once my phone was on the charger, it started to go crazy.

There was a message where Steve pretended to be a government agent. He said that his job was to seek out people who didn't have empathy and discredit them. He also wrote that I would never know when he or his agents would contact me again.

He called me a sociopath.

On some level, I felt hurt because he was trying to mock me for being stalked. He called at least 34 times after the phone was placed on the charger. I haven't had the heart to listen to the messages. In his text messages he tells me he can't wait for me to listen to them because he zinged me good. Then he goes own to say he's going to discredit me publicly.

 

Now, the problem with threatening to discredit me is that as of this moment, I cannot disclose anything about my sexuality to him.  I can't tell him that I want to buy a new car, wear a pretty dress and sit in his lap.  I cannot tell him my deepest, darkest fantasies.  I certainly can't act them out.  I cannot trust it would be private anymore!

 

He destroyed our sex life by promising to discredit me.  He told me to run for office again, so he could destroy my reputation.  I'm actually a little sad for him.  There are so many things I cannot do or try for the first time because I don't want the whole planet to get grossed out if he posts a video without my knowledge to embarrass me.  There is no reason to go to a Pagan sex festival when I can't act out all those little fantasies I've been holding in my head for the past few weeks. 

How can I be me if it won't be kept private?

Stupid.....

I found three disturbing email messages this morning. One claims that I want him to kill himself but that I wanted him to do the deed with a smile.

I don't know. Was that an attempt at manipulation? Should I send it to his mother? Should I offer to give him a ride to the local mental health center?

I choose to ignore it. He doesn't like being embarrassed. Calling attention to it would embarrass him. If he needs me, he'll call the house.

That must have been some great alcohol! If he hadn't been so mean, I would have found something to trade for a sip!!

*****

I just know that the things he wrote and the frequency with which he communicated them reminded me of Shannon.

Right now, my stalking anxiety has been triggered. I find myself wondering if I do things that cause people to act like that.

Do I trigger the stalking by not being available?

Maybe I deserve this?

My ex-husband, Mike, was awakened by the telephone. He wanted to answer it. I feared what he would say to Steve.

I didn't want to make things worse.

I promised Mike that I would never date again. He told me not to go that far but, really, if his family is stalking me....I probably should not date.

Steve called me a sociopath and promised to expose me. That's probably another reason why I should be alone.

 

There are silver linings:

• I never have to take another birth control pill!! Hooray!!!
• I never have to buy a pack of condoms!!! Hooray!!!
• I never have to use the ben wa balls!!! Hooray!!

I don't think the ben wa balls were working. Steve kept texting me and referring to me as "a looser."

So sad....

Maybe he wasn't as hung as I thought.

Just teasing....he's perfectly himself. He's just fine. Loads of woman would love to have someone like him.

It comes down to me not being what he wanted and me not having my life cleaned up enough for a relationship.

Maybe I am "a looser."

Until my life gets under control, celibacy looks like my best option.
 

Love ya,

S.

Single and Free

Today I am thankful that I am no longer in any type of relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

I don't know if I want to write about what happened.  It's a continuation of the anarchism philosophy that I don't understand. 

I'm too dumb to understand.

I'm smart enough to be single.

'Tis better to be alone and lonely than to be in a relationship and lonely.

I was beginning to realize that Steve and I had nothing in common.  That was before the insults came.

The break-up had to happen.   

Life is good. 

It really is. 

And, I no longer have to hear my ex-husband predict that Steve's mother was going to bad-mouth me and his sister was going to stalk me.  The projection kept me rolling on the floor in laughter.

*****

Now, I have two tickets to a Pagan festival that I cannot use. 

Maybe the bass player will take my Pagan Festival tickets and find the love of his life.  Beltane is a holiday for lovers. 

I don't want to go.  I want to be alone.  It would be the perfect place for him to find his lady love.

Things will work out. 

They always do. 

Love,

S.

Button Up Blouses

Today I am thankful that I have the option of dressing up like a prude.  

I am thinking about going shopping and buying some new blouses.  You know, the ones that that button up to all the way to your neck. 


I need to start wearing those. 


So....long story short....I have a bass player buddy who is pretty cute and wants a girlfriend.  He looks like my high school sweetheart.  He is an activist.  He goes to Pagan fairs but now is holding himself out to be a Born Again Christian. 


He could not put up with my worship of Aphrodite and Aries. 


Hooray!!  I found out why I was not innately attracted to him. 


My sexuality would not mesh with his. 


He's fairly conservative, so I am thinking that it will be super easy to turn him off...right? 


Wrong!!! 


The most bizarre things make him think the most dirty thoughts about me. 

Today...it was a post about Goblin jism and Miracle Whip. 

It is Friday.  I am Pagan.  I worship Aphrodite. 

Friday is my day to go through my beauty routines and do my rituals to the Gods and Goddesses of sex.  One of the things I do every Friday is give myself a facial. 

I use Miracle Whip to burn the wrinkles off of my face.  I use baking soda to scrub it off.  Then I go on to rinse it with milk.  It costs me less than a dollar to do my ritual.  I started this when I was a teenager trying to save money for my Steinberger and Fender basses.

*****

One of my friends posted something that made me wretch. 

It was so bad that every time I tried to get through the first part of my beauty ritual, I started to gag like a cat with a hairball. 

Do you want to see the picture she posted? I'll give you a link to copy and past into your browser.

add this http://www

to
 theoatmeal.com/blog.miracle_whip



 Basically, it likened the taste of Miracle Whip to Goblin semen.

That certainly gives a grotesque spin to the thought of my giving myself a facial. 

I guess I should find an ugly man to do that for me.  That could be cheaper still.

No....I'd rather stay with Steve.  I am not so sure that good looking male semen will have the same ability to burn the wrinkles off of my face that Miracle Whip does.

I betcha there are a lot of happy Goblins at the Kraft factory. 

Just teasing...

*****


Since my Pagan friends and I share our beauty rituals with each other, I made a post about my need for a new facial ingredient because I can't stop gagging when I try to put Miracle Whip on my face.  My head fills with pictures of excited ugly green naked men spewing the substance.

*****

Later on, I received a message from my bass player buddy telling me that it was unfair for someone who was as unattainable as I am to put thoughts as dirty as I did in his head today.

I didn't put any thoughts in any man's head that were not there before. 

*****

Why is this bugging me?

Well....I do not feel like I am available enough to the man I love. 

The other men I know can pick up on it.

But they probably think I am unavailable because I am with Steve.  I carry a lot of guilt around due to my inability to spend as much time with Steve as he'd like. 

Why?

I am spending a lot of time here cleaning up after my ex-husband.

*****

Well....I still want to figure out the whole stalking, NPD, crazy dyad thing I experienced in the last relationship. 

I think I am crazy. 

After being stalked, harassed, slandered, smeared and lied about, I really do question my ability to function in the world.  As I send out resumes, I wonder if any of my in-laws will harass me should I get any of those jobs.

Then I wonder who is behind the stalking. 

I know that my ex-husband lied about me to his family.  He told them that he paid for everything (even as he raided my life savings and I paid all the bills).  He told them that I forbade him from going to college (not so...I did some of his homework so he met his deadlines).  He told them that I aborted our middle child (who is now twelve).

That is all they will admit saying about me.  He's admitted to some of it (years after the fact).  He's probably said more things.  This is probably why they follow me around, glare at me, and call me Satan.

He lied about me to his boss Donnielle P. at the city.  I have a file full of legal documents from the city attorney that claim he said I was a hypochondriac (more specifically that I faked heart attacks), wouldn't let him work because I had a master's degree, and loads of other crazy things.

I wish I hadn't caught the City Attorney lying to me, otherwise I could believe what is in those documents. 

I don't know. 

At first blush, it would seem like Mike is telling stories about me and has done so for years because a lot of people that know him comes at me like a rabid dog.  Even my political adversaries don't behave like the people he knows does. 

He maintains that his mother is the liar.  He maintains that she went so far as to call Donnielle P. at the city to gossip. 

I don't know. 

I do know that running for mayor and costing the city over $90,000,000 in regressive tax revenue sure gives the leadership pause when they want to harass you.  They've been pretty good about leaving me alone in the past three months.  I think that if they wanted to smear me, they'd just repeat the lies that Donnielle told about me in court. 

I have never met this woman.  I did receive a nasty email from  her that made me wonder whether or not she and Michael had an affair.  I do not know. 

I want to know if Michael is the one spreading rumours about me.  Could he be telling the truth?  Could his mother have done it and it coincided with him acting like a greedy person?

Why else could I be attracting attention from crazy people?  It makes me wonder, could it be that I am the crazy one?  If so, why would I want to hurt a man I love by entering into a relationship with him?

This is why I am unavailable. 

I need to know that I'm not going to repeat the same patterns of behavior here that I did in the last relationship.

*****

I need answers.

I also need to push to get my portion of the divorce settlement so that I can start my new life.  He has never shared the money with me.  He was ordered to do so on November 1st of last year.

*****

Oh, shit....something is messing with handle on the front door.  Thank goodness I locked it.

Gotta go. 

Love,

S.

NPD and Reality

Today I am thankful for the realization that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder do not live in the same reality as the rest of us. 

That realization saved me a heck of a lot of time today.
 

After my ex-husband told me that he wanted me back, I've felt a little sick to my stomach.  I began to worry and fret that my not throwing him out of the house was leading him on somehow. 

Today I tried to talk to him about it. 

 

He claims that he said he "wanted to get back with me but that it will never happen."

Oh....okay....so I don't have to worry so much then?

*****

I am a little concerned about the stalking.  I feel frightened all of the sudden.  It's been pretty bad in the past week or so. 

 

I can't find the trigger for my fear.

 

Something is just weird. 

 

I can't explain it. 

 

Someone took the anonymous call block off of the phone and there have been an unusual amount of private calls that hang up when I answer.

 

I reset it.

The mouse on my computer does bizarre things.  It jumps around all by itself.

Somehow the hinge on my laptop was bent to the point that I couldn't close the lid anymore.  It is like someone tried to open it with a screwdriver.  Now, the keyboard does not work and I cannot get online.  I'm trying to use an old computer that hasn't been used for five years!  I'm in the process of downloading and installing hundreds of Windows Updates to see if I can use that computer for my work.

 

My phone was downloading bizarre things until I reset it to the original factory settings.

My ex-husband is being too nice.

 

Something feels off. 

 

I don't know why. 

It's like too many things are going wrong at once. 

I haven't seen Shannon watch me since late November.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and I met my boyfriend for coffee.  We held hands as she watched.

 

It was weird.

When I returned to my vehicle, I noticed that the felt that covers the undercarriage of the car was dragging on the ground.  It looked like someone had torn a piece of it off.  I had left my car unlocked.  I left my driver's license and money on the seat.  No one took it.  This makes me doubt that she did anything to mess with the car. 

 

*****

 

 

Now, I do know that the separation agreement has been completely ignored.  I am nearly to the point of getting a restraining order against my ex and pushing for supervised exchanges with the kids.

 

If he wants to be so much as a friend, he is going to have to explain his role in the stalking.  He is going to have to explain the recent stalking events to me.  I haven't spoken to members of his family since 1999.  Where are they getting their information about me? 

 

How do they know what they know?  How do they know when I've been to the Ob-Gyn for birth control?  How do they know where I go and meet with other people? 

This doesn't make sense to me.

 

*****

For over twenty-two years I've been stalked and harassed by various members of his family.  For twenty-two years he yelled at me when I tried to solve the problem (e.g. talk to them about what they wanted).  If his family attacked and harassed me in front of him, he ignored it. 

 

Later on, he would admit to lying about me to his family so he wouldn't have to take responsibility for his choices.  He would tell them that I was the reason he did the crazy things he did.  They would attack me, often when he was around to witness it.  He never said a word to them about it.  He'd rage at me if I brought it up.   

The cops say he is my stalker and that he is doing it to stay connected to me.  When he said that he wanted me back, I started to fear that the cops were right.

My ex-husband swears up and down his sister is trying to ruin his life.  When I try to get answers it feels like talking to a five year old boy who blames everything on his baby sister.

 

Yeah...like I am going to believe that "she did it."

 

I've spent some time trying to understand the stalking.  My gut feeling is to get a restraining order against my ex-husband in order to stop it.  I feel guilty and want some type of proof that he's behind it before I do something that will end up on his permanent record.  If he's innocent, is that a fair thing to do?  

Every time I talk to him to either find out what he wants or how to make sure the kids and I are safe, he maintains that he has nothing to do with the stalking.  He does say that he has the habit of telling his family when I am at my office.  He never tells them when I am seeing male colleagues, clients, or my now boyfriend. 

 

Somehow, though, his sister manages to find me when I am with men in public having coffee and discussing business (or more recently discussing fun stuff with my boyfriend).

 

Sometimes the story changes.  Most of the time it doesn't.  He typically sticks to the same line. 

 

He typically says "All I ever did was tell my cousin that you went to the office. I regret that."

I don't buy it.  I haven't always had an office when I've caught his sister and other family members following me around.

 

He seems to believe what he says.  

 

I will never get the truth. 

I used to think he was lying on purpose. 

Now, I know better. 

 

He doesn't live in the same world I live in. 

 

He doesn't understand reality. 

 

The reality is that we are divorced.

 

The reality is that my boyfriend and I act like rabbits.  The rabbit phrase is how my boyfriend describes us.  Today, my ex-husband referred to us as "f*cking like rabbits."  Um....I try to be discreet and wonder why he chose that phrase to express his displeasure with our relationship.

Hmmmm.....maybe I need to reset my phone again.

*****

The reality is that I will never hook up with my ex. 

 

So....

 

I don't know what to do except honor my own reality

and interview divorce lawyers to help me fix the messy orders. 

Wish me luck. 

Love ya,

 

S.

Later Edit: 

Oh....no....now I cannot access my email. 

I've been trying to log in and get the following message on my Outlook accounts:

Did you request a security info change?

************@hotmail.com started a process to change the password or security info for this Microsoft account. This process will complete on 4/29/2014.

If you made this change, choose "Yes, this was me" and we'll help you get back in to your account.

If you didn't make this change, choose "No, this wasn't me" to cancel the request.

Yes, this was me

No, this wasn't me



I used a Yahoo account as a secondary account.  That one was hacked, so I have to find a way to access it so I can retreive the code Outlook sent to prove that I own these accounts. 

Something must be going on. 

This is too weird.

 

Bad Anarchist Advice

Today I am thankful for recognizing bad anarchist advice.

I am feeling terrorized by my ex-husband.  We wants me back. He won't cooperate with the divorce papers.  He never split the money.  He won't show me documentation to prove where the missing money went. 

I am feeling trapped. 


His sister is stalking me.  I think she is.  It's been a couple of months since I've seen her watching me.  I'm not sure it's over.  I have had lulls in it before.  It tends to pick up around Mother's day and Christmas.

I started going to the cops in 1999 after she took a gun to the neighbor and told him that I was angry with him and watching his every move.  This caused the neighbor to act out towards me. 

He'd try to bait my dog into barking with meat pushed through the slats on our adjoining fence.  If my dog made a move for it, he'd call the police claiming he was bit by a dog.

He'd claim he heard my nephew use curse words in my living room and call the police.  I was threatened with arrest for allowing a child to disturb the peace. I knew the District Attorney so he never took me into custody.

Shannon's best friend was the Sergeant, so I was typically the one threatened with arrest every time I made a report.  The neighbor quickly learned that the cops were sympathetic to him.  I never understood why for a very long time.

The sergeant was new to the area.  He was one of a handful of white men working at this department.  I took my story to another police officer.  That officer listened patiently and promised to take care of it because no one should be forced from her home due to the actions of the police.

Two months later, I would learn that this Sergeant was demoted for altering police reports and not taking appropriate action on them.  The officer I spoke with became the new sergeant.  I never had a problem with stalking from my sister-in-law at that house. 

Shannon took it to graduate school and my places of employment.

*****

There are many more stories that have accumulated after 22 years of this. 

It was only Saturday when I learned that Michael is doing whatever he can to stay with me.  I am beginning to believe that the cops are right, Michael is asking his sister to stalk me so I cannot leave the relationship.
*****

The most dangerous thing to tell a stalking victim is to NOT call the police.  Steve advised me to pretend that there was no authority.  I am supposed to pretend that the divorce decree is meaningless (so I cannot access my own money) -and- I am supposed to NOT make reports to the police. 

That is stupid.  This is why the stalking got to the point it did.  I did NOT call the police between 1992 and 1999.

*****

As of this day, I am trying to find a way to tell Steve that I am not safe seeing him.  In fact, I do not think I am safe having any relationships with members of the opposite sex until Michael is out of the house. 

I'm not even sure I'm safe holding a job. 


If I am with Steve, I have to pretend that there is no authority?  Anarchists are pushovers?  Come on....it is stupid to pretend that we have no authority.  In a true Anarchist society, I could have a concealed carry without a permit.  I could find various ways to protect myself that are not open to me now.

Oh....so.....if I want to pretend that there is no authority, I get to let my ex-husband walk all over me.  I get to let his sister stalk me.  I get to let his brother in law grab me in public.  I get to let my in-laws harass my colleagues. 


That is dumb advice. 


We do not live in an Anarchist society.  

I feel handcuffed by my ex ignoring mediated agreements.  I feel handcuffed by Steve's theory. 

I am frustrated.  I am an introvert.  I'm better off staying away from both of them.  This will make Michael happy because the competition will be gone and I'll have more time to sit here and fold his laundry.

*****
The only viable option for me is to isolate myself until I come up with a new safety plan.



Mike wins by default.  I can't see other men due to the stalking.  He is treating the divorce like a piece of paper.  We are still in the same sexless relationship we had for many years, except that now I do not have health insurance.

I fear his family.  This is where his power comes from.  If I do anything that he doesn't want me to do, I'll get stalked.

Michael made it clear that he wants me back.  The stalking will pick up.  I'm better off alone.




I hate this life. 




Love ya,


S.



P.S.  I'll clean up the post later.

6:1 = Hell:Heaven Day Ratio

Today I am thankful for my one day away from Hell.

I am feeling an intense amount of pressure to stay locked in my house with my ex-husband.


Long story....I'll expound later. 


I mentioned hesitating while applying for a job being a Health/Weight Loss Coach. This hesitation was due to my ex-husband's theory that his sister was jealous that I was well known in the area for my weight loss services.  She had a weight loss blog with less than one hundred followers. I had 15,700 followers.

My ex-husband is claiming that I am being stalked due to my work as a health psychotherapist.  I don't think this is the reason she stalks me.  I think I found out why she stalked me last night. 

My ex-husband started to yell when I mentioned that I would always fear him and his family.  I literally fear doing anything so long as he resides in this house.


His yelling scared me enough to announce that I was leaving. I got up to start packing so I could leave for the night. 


He started to bellow and what he said gave me his motive. 

"I want to stay with you!"


This was midnight. 


I went to bed. 

I couldn't sleep.

I contemplated suicide.  I haven't done anything but I can see how this is playing out.  I don't want to die -but- I do not see a way out of this mess short of moving into another state and away from this family of narcissists.


I will have to leave Steve to keep the peace.  Mike is my stalker.  Shannon is doing it to scare me into staying with him.  Mike is hoarding the money and not complying with the divorce agreement to minimize the resources that I need to leave. This is how he can stay with me. 



The latest mess was because I publicly announced my relationship with Steve.  It was met with people telling me it was about time I admitted it. 


I don't have the money for a lawyer to force my ex into complying with the divorce order.  Even if I had a lawyer, a large chunk of the money he was supposed to give me is gone.  I doubt a judge would order him to pay it back.

*****

Steve gives me my one happy day.  That is Friday. 


I am happy six out of seven days.  I fear leaving the house on my happy day.  I fear that all hell will break out.  I fear that my ex-husband will find some nasty way to retaliate and hurt the kids or me somehow. 


My ex-husband does crazy shit those days.  He  retaliates by hiding money, not honoring agreements, and making messes. 


I need to be alone until this guy is out of my life. 

It is the only way to keep the crazies at bay. 


Love ya,


S.

P.S.  Ha.....as I edited this post, a message came on the screen claiming that I had just logged in from another location.  I wonder....can I track the party that just signed in? 

Hi Shannon!!!

The password was complicated.  How in the world did anyone figure it out?  It was a series of 24 letters, numbers and symbols.

My Colleagues

Today I am thankful for my colleagues. 

I am a hypnotist and psychotherapist.  I do not see many clients in private practice anymore because of my stalker.  When I do see clients, it is usually in another therapist's office or in my unmarked office space. 


I literally fear another client being harassed by my stalking former ex and his band of troublesome family members.  I do not advertise.  I avoid television interviews.  I avoid doing anything that will irk my former in-laws. 


I am literally considering changing my name -but- my friends in the public relations game are telling me that I have a lot of equity in my identity.  I need to keep my real name.

*****

Many of my colleagues bill themselves as coaches.  Among these people, I have two dating coaches.  One works exclusively with men.  The other works exclusively with women. 


The guy who works with women, well....he actually explained to me why I am [to quote myself] "not ready to be in a relationship."


It was the topic of his newsletter this morning.  He doesn't know that I am in this boat.  I guess that doesn't matter.  He explained it well. 


He called it the Domino Effect. 

I'll try to explain it.


We finally have something that we want.  We are walking on air.  We are happy.  We are excited.


Then....we see other people with similar things lose then we start to freak out and look for problems in our relationship.  This causes us to subconsciously push them away. 


For example, if a woman finds a guy with a big ten inch who wants nothing more to do than to do the horizontal polka all day.  She feels hot.  She can't walk.  She doesn't need blush anymore.  Life is pretty darn good.


Then....she notices that some of her girlfriends are climbing the walls.  Their lovers have left for younger women.  She begins to believe that the same thing is happening to her. 


So...she focuses on every thing wrong in that fucking wonderful relationship.  She analyzes every word.  She kicks the tires to test the strength of the relationship.  She reads into everything.  She starts to have doubts and questions about this hot stud in her life.  She wants to be reassured.  She wants to know he loves and lusts after her.  She wants to know that he won't get used to having marathon sex sessions and wind up leaving her for someone else. 


Thus, she brings an air of uncertainly into the relationship.  Her boyfriend, on the other hand, gets tired of the constant conflict.  He gets tired of trying to reassure her.  He gets tired of having to defend every innocent thing he says to other women.


Instead of focusing on what was right in the relationship, she created problems that did not exist.  Now the focus was what was wrong. 


Her hot studly love, on the other hand, will begin to feel inadequate and say that he is not ready for a serious relationship. 


This causes them to break up. 

Why?

Well....my colleague has an answer.  The constant critiques, negativity, and criticism took away the joy he got in the relationship.  He did not feel good around her anymore. 


The problems were not real.  They were in her head.  He could not fix it.  He could not emotionally reassure her to bring the joy back.  So he left. 

*****

I really can relate to the guy in the above story.  I feel criticized.  I feel frustrated.  I feel like I am sexually inadequate.  I feel fat.  I feel stupid.  I feel like I cannot communicate.  I feel like I must be teasing all of the men on the planet. 

I feel pushed to dedicate every Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon to Steve (which, in reality, is impossible).

I did not feel this way six months ago. 

When I mention how I feel to Steve, I am told that I need to take responsibility for how I am feeling.  That those feelings are all in my head and they have nothing to do with him.  I choose to feel criticized, frustrated, sexually inadequate, fat, stupid, non-communicative, and flirtatious.

Then, I'll get another critique.


I'll try to rile him to the point of blowing a load without success.  That will make me feel worse.  I am so ugly and unskilled that I cannot get him to the point of extreme fun.  Something must be wrong with me.  I ran out to get books on how to play naked. Maybe if I lose weight I can be bouncier and hotter. 

Yes....I understand.  I choose how I feel.  I feel that this relationship that is stressing me out.  I don't know how to mitigate that stress.  In response, Steve will tell me to move into the stress and enjoy it.  That does not help my feeling criticized and confused.  It only stresses me out more. 

In response, I will try to clean up the stress in all of the other areas in my life to make room for this new relationship stress.   This causes me to give more attention to other areas of my life (rather than Steve).


If I made six figures, I could buy off my ex-husband and he'd leave me alone.  If I only had a new car, a personal assistant, a nanny, a housekeeper.....if I only could delegate some of my responsibility and minimize the odds of negativity touching me....if I could do that....then....then...I can make room for playtime!

*****

This is what I am pondering today.  .

So....I am sure that much of my inadequacy (like Steve said) is be due to issues with my perception and my thoughts.  I also agree that I would have more money if I felt that I held adequate resources (e.g. stalking logs and proof) of my stalker's antics.  If I could just get my hands on my half of the tax refund and retirement accounts that I was awarded in the divorce, then I would have more resources.


This is why I am not ready for a relationship.  I need to de-stress.  I need to clean up my mess.  I need to get my job to the point where I know when I am leaving work every Friday so I can make static plans with Steve.  Right now, everything is up in the air. 


I don't know....I think the constant criticisms compound the other stress. 
.   

I don't know what to do. 


I feel the urge to leave and not look back.


I'll give some thought to everything before I do something stupid.


I will update later.


Love ya,


S.

Why I Hate Relationships

Today I am thankful because I realized why I do not want to be in a romantic relationship. 

It is due to jealousy. 


I didn't realize how bad insecure men were until I was stalked while meeting my high school sweetheart for lunch at a pizza joint in 2011.  His name is Thomas.  He had broken his leg and I was trying to use covert hypnosis on him to help him with the pain. I wasn't successful.  I tried to hold back my tears when he talked about all of the injuries he had endured on his adventures in the two years we hadn't seen each other.  He spent a half hour trying to get me to think about happy things because he always knew when I was close to crying. 

Thomas was my best friend in high school.  He was there when my dad died.  He was there for me when my grandmother and aunt died.  He was my rock.  I wanted to be there for him, too. 

I can't imagine why Michael would be jealous of Thomas.  I had not seen his third leg since 1987.   He decided I wasn't his type when we were 17. 


Seriously....nothing...was....going...to...happen.


Besides, my ex-husband started calling me his ex five years previously.  We knew a divorce was imminent.  I can not understand why Michael would have anyone follow me if his aim was to unload me anyway. 


I was stalked, threatened, harassed, and followed when I met Thomas.  In the restaurant my former sister-in-law (Shannon) and her fiance (Doug) watched us eat and talk.  I walked Thomas out to his car because it was icy.  Being the manly man he is, he protested the entire way.  Upon him driving off, Doug approached me, grabbed my shoulder and called me Satan.  A crowd of businessmen had gathered around us.  Doug let go.  I walked off. 


As I walked off, I checked my voice mail.  Michael had called and left a message wondering if I was okay.  He said he had a feeling that he should call to check up on me.


Later I learned that Doug had been going to my office to harass my colleagues and to try to get personal information about me and what I did during my working hours.

I have not been the same since I learned that Michael was behind the stalking.  The cops, a private investigator and two therapists are telling me that he has to be the perpetrator. 


I do not trust my judgment in men anymore.  How could I know someone intimately for a quarter of a century and not know they were prone to stalking?

I must be stupid.   

Just in case you are wondering, I have not spoken one word to Thomas since that day.  It's probably for the best.  I did write to him to ask if the stalkers approached him that day.  He said no.  That was the last communication we had. 

*****

I had a therapist and a cop tell me that women in relationships shouldn't meet with men alone in public. 


Since that day, I have turned down numerous lunch meetings with unmarried male publishers, reporters, authors, hypnotists, and one music agent.


I don't want to be stalked again. 


I never want to be stalked. 


No relationship = no jealousy = no stalking. 


Yeah.....


I thought it was a Michael thing. 

Steve started to exhibit a bit of jealously, too. 

I am now wondering if, perhaps, I make men feel insecure in relationships.



*****

I have a handsome, pagan, Leo, bass playing, political activist friend who apparently is into science fiction like I am.  I've got to tell you, some women like diversity in relationships.  We want someone who is different and can spice things up a bit.  If we find a man too much like us, he feels like a brother.  This wonderful handsome guy,who reminds me of the best aspects of myself, feels like a brother to me.  I feel protective of him on some weird level.   


When I first met my friend, he was well over 300 pounds. 


He's also Scottish.  The last time I saw him, his kilt nearly fell off because he has lost a lot of weight!


  He's looking pretty cute.  I hope he finds an available lady to match that cuteness.  There is nothing worse than seeing a sad bass player on stage.  His gigs are much more fun when he's twirling around in that kilt of his. If I am a fan, why wouldn't I wish for his happiness?


I know quite a bit about the psychology of losing weight.  Obesity takes a toll on a man's self-esteem.  Even if he loses a ton of weight, it is a slow process.  He may not notice it the way other people notice it.  He may even feel the same way about himself.  Changes on the outside do not necessarily correlate with changes on the inside.


I'm trying to build him up so he asks out more women.  Dating is a numbers game, the more women he asks out, the more of a shot he'll have to score big.  The more women that flirt with him, the better chance that his self-esteem will recover.  He knows I am seeing Steve.  He also knows my ex-husband wants me back.  He knows there are too many men in my life.  He's a good friend because he respects that.

I don't want to make anyone I love jealous.  I just want my friend to be happy.  It hurt me to see him dumped.  I want him to make the mean chick who did that super duper jealous!


It's justice. 

*****

I also have a friend's husband who complained that I flirt more with reporters than with him.  I told him that I didn't flirt with him because I adored his wife.  


They are in an open marriage. 

I did not mean to offend my love because I used this man's wife as the excuse to exit from the conversation.  Steve was upset because I didn't turn this man down because of our relationship. I said the first thing that I knew would end the conversation. I didn't mean to upset Steve.  My goal was to stop talking to another man about flirting.


I don't know how to take that.  Steve has managed to upset a couple of my friends with his Facebook antics.  This man's wife is trying to set me up with other men.  Every time she sees that I am with Steve, we go out for coffee and she counts the reasons why I should consider seeing other people. 

Now, I am having doubts about my ability to judge the character of men.  I have a graduate degree in psychology and couldn't figure out that I was married to a narcissist.  Could I be wrong about Steve?  How much sway can my friends' judgments have in my relationship?  They can't have any if I do not hear what they have to say.   The best way to avoid hearing their judgments is to simply avoid talking about my love life until people forget about Steve's crazy Facebook posts. 

As far as my friends know, I am celibate. 


I am going to keep it that way. 

*****

Since Steve told me that he was hurt because I don't use him as my excuse not to flirt with married men, I have thought hard about ending the relationship and never engaging in one again. 

I do not want to enter into relationships if I cannot have tea with a guy who wants to co-author a book with me or coffee with a disk jockey who wants to interview me on the air. 


Seriously.......I am in a male dominated field.  I am a political activist.  Men are 49.98% of the population.  I really doubt I can get too far in life NOT talking to men. 

I'd rather be alone than broke.

*****

Today.....while meditating to Aphrodite....I was informed that she takes no pity on people who don't grab life by the balls.  I am expected to use her gifts to live a little. 


So....I guess....that is what I am going to do. 


My ex-husband offered to split the tax refund with me.  It is much less than he told me it would be.  In any event, I will shortly have $1,800 to advertise my business.  May this grow into something more soon. 


We'll see. 


Love ya,


S.