Creepers

Today I am thankful for flirtatious guys who give me the creeps.

Do you know why?

Because when I run away from them, I think about the man I really want.

It helps keep things in perspective.

I know he doesn't mean to call me stupid, he's just nervous.

I like him better when he's silly.

We need to sit down and talk.

I'm probably going to lose him...but he's not like anyone else I've ever met.

Today was weird.

I met three creepies today.

I don't know what I did.

Really....

Three of them.

Three!!

Who the heck asks someone to go out for drinks after knocking her down on the sidewalk?

Who in the world emails women to tell them how pretty they are and ask them out?

Who in the flippin' world gets all clingy to a woman they met five minutes earlier?

Oh....my...goodness.

I actually began to think my ex is testing me by sicking strangers on my hide.

This never happens to me.

Someone must've sprayed pheromones on me....

or the make-up must've looked hot.

I don't know what the hell happened.

It helped me.

I know what it is that I wish for.

I just know what I want.

Wow....

Just....Wow!

I remember why I got married all those years ago.

The ring kept the creepers away.

I'll toss the never getting married line in the trash.

I really hate marriage.  It's a piece of paper.  I'm loyal to a fault.  If I love ya, I won't leave unless things are really bad.

But other people respect the ring

-and-

I'd rather be married than pursued.

I need a fake ring.

This sucks.

Love ya,

S.

Update: 2/1/2013

Okay, one of these guys is getting a little bit scary. 

He found me on Facebook.  Like I always do, I accepted his friend request not thinking about it. 

He's looking up my phone numbers.  It hasn't been 24 hours and I've gotten eight emails and two voice messages. 

He refuses to tell me about himself but goes on about how beautiful I am and how much he wants me. 

His number always comes up unavailable on the caller ID.  He found my private cell phone number. 

He only has five friends.  They are all women.  I do not know any of them. 

This man is using the same name as my high school sweetheart.  He claims to be in the same state my old friend is in (but the wrong city).  It was so bad, my ex intercepted a call and claimed it was my old friend.  It was not.  I'd know his voice in an instant.  This man's voice was too deep, too monotone, and too flat.

I'm wondering if his family is trying to scare me again.  Mike tells me that it is not his family messing with me.  It has to be!!!  Any man that wants to have sex would give me a way to contact him. 

He is trying to play to my ego and force the contact and control my time.  Mike's family does that.

Only a handful of people have my cell phone number.  Mike, his cousins, my high school sweetheart, my crush, three politicians, and a divorce attorney.   It is not public at all. 

Something is off. 

I may have to give up my Facebook profile.  I'm becoming terrified. 

Edit some time later:

The more I reflect on the craziness in my life, the more I realize that I'm going to have to move away to get to the bottom of this whole stalking, gps, cops showing up at 2 am unannounced, crazy crap.

Between the stuff the city has pulled and the crazy stalking from my in-laws, I'm confused as to who has done what.  The weird thing is that the stuff the lawyers at the city said and my in-laws say is identical!  So, methinks that Mike is behind all of it!  I'm going to have to get far away before I can sort out who is responsible for what. 

What happened over the past two days was not natural.  Someone had to put at least two of these guys up to it.  Maybe the guy who mowed me down on his bike was genuinely worried and wanted to make amends but the other two guys....those had to be frauds. 

One...I can see one. 

Three? 

No. 

I need to get out of here...NOW!

Sparks

Today I am thankful for sparks.  

I have a week where I can put off answering the question that I know he's begging to ask.

He's writing about sex....

about sealing the deal....

and thinly veiling it as a discussion about a sci-fi series.

Then he tried disguising it as political commentary.

I hang out with right wingers, they don't talk about sex in mixed company.

Quite honestly, I'm not sure he's talking about me.  Maybe he's practicing on me so he knows what to say to the one he truly wants.

Seriously, does he know what he betrays?

Ugh....

A little self-disclosure here.

I'm what they call a physical suggestible.

I like sex.

I like metaphor when I'm in my beta state.  

If I am relaxed or in a trance, you have to give me the commands in a straight forward fashion.  You've got to tell me what you want.  If I'm enchanted by you, you can't feed me metaphors about unicorns thrusting through rainstorms or any of that kinda stuff.

You've got to simply...grab me...show me....and

say it....

privately!

He's an intellectual suggestible.  Everything has got to be explained and justified well in advance with logical summations.

Sex and love are illogical.

Waiting until I have a financial cushion and can help him out financially makes more sense.  Until I can get my finances under control, I am not a relationship partner.  I would be more of a friends with benefits partner.

I've never really done the friends with benefits thing.  Every guy who has seen me naked has, for the most part, proposed to me.  One didn't propose, he just talked about our married life together and tried to change my life around to better suit his dreams.  That didn't happen.  He's still around, too.  I think we keep in contact so he can count his blessings he never bought me a ring.

We have always been more innuendo than action due to his fear of going to hell.  He was incredibly religious and the concept of pre-marital sex freaked him out.  It wouldn't work.  I don't want a repeat of that relationship.

I'm a one guy at a time person.  Men confuse the holy crap out of me.  Any more than one and I'd probably short circuit and die.

I'm a little stumped here.  How is one logical with love except to speak of it in terms of exchange?

Love is illogical.

I can argue with him against it more than I can argue for it.

I've never been close to an intellectual suggestible before.  The other three were emotional suggestible.

All it took was me drinking a glass of milk through a straw

and

they were mine.

This one....I don't know what to do.

I can't think of any sexy science facts.

Maybe 3.14?

Hmmmm.....

Now, I've only met intellectual suggestibles at work.  They tended not to trust people because they are afraid of being screwed over. 

Maybe that is what is going on with my friend.  Some chick screwed him over....maybe even cheated on him...so he has to intellectualize every friggin' thing. 

Maybe...

If so, he can't be near me until my divorce is final.  If I touch him, then it could potentially go to proving that all women are cheating snakes. 

Or...not...

How does one know? 

Hmmmm....I betcha he's an emotional suggestible bundled in a cloak of over-cognition.  He says a lot more than he realizes when he talks about conspiracy theories.  I still think those conspiracy theories are metaphors for what he's worried about. 

If so...

He's not saving enough for retirement. 

He's not earning enough money to pay the bills. 

On the bright side, this guy would let me work and earn my keep. 

He has the prettiest blue eyes.  I don't know why I say that.  It just came to me. 

Maybe because there is a lot of unspoken things going on behind those deep blue eyes. 

He's an emotional suggestible in hiding, isn't he? 

I guess I can test it out with a glass of milk.  I don't drink the crap anymore.  Perhaps, I could spill it on my dress and see what he does.

Or not....

This is weird.

Maybe it is my three hours of sleep talking.

Maybe if I get to know him better, I can try to understand him.

The thing about trying to understand men is that it is in the trying to understand them that causes women to  fall in love.

Love ya,

S.

P.S.

Just so I don't get shot in the middle of the night.....or somebody accuses me of not being a celibate prude.....um...this is fiction.

I never let a good gossipy story go to waste!

Cheers!

Soul Destroying Questions

Today I am thankful for questions. 

I have one that's been eating into my soul for three days now. 

Do you want to know the question? 

NO?

I'll tell you anyway.

Drum roll please....okay, if my computer weren't acting up, I'd upload a nice little drum roll for you. 

but....since it's acting nuts...you're out of luck. 

Here it is:

 

Would I rather be happy or righteous?

 

 

This is the question that's making me dive into the chocolate. 

 

I eat chocolate when I'm hurting. 

 

This is the origin of my new found cognitive dissonance. 

 

I'm trying to watch a three hour video on a damaged computer with a flash issue.  It's not going well. 

 

I couldn't get past the first ten minutes without crying. 

 

Would I rather be happy?  Or righteous? 

 

I am doing crap to make self-righteous boob jobs happy. 

 

I gave up my business due to stalking. 

 

I screen all my calls. 

 

I clean up after a man who doesn't love me. 

 

I went back because a bunch of senators convinced me it was the right thing.  It didn't work out well.  He betrayed me financially. 

 

I did the righteous thing. 

 

I'm not happy. 

 

I was happy. 

 

My in-laws say that I care too much. 

 

I probably do. 

 

That is why I can't stop crying. 

 

I promised to do a Google+ hangout today. 

 

I saw myself on the screen. 

 

You can tell I'm sad. 

 

My face is going to freeze this way. 

 

 

I'm not happy. 

 

 

No one is happy. 

 

 

I still cry myself to sleep at night.  I packed away my books.  I packed away my shoes.  I'm packing up my clothes. 

 

I don't know what else to do. 

 

I'm going to try to sleep tonight. 

 

I can't. 

 

I am realizing that I've let the pain get so bad that I'm not my normal happy self.  It has sucked the joy out of my existence.  Everything used to be fun.  Public speaking was fun.  Tormenting political a-holes was fun.  Writing was fun.  Hypnotizing passengers while riding public transportation was fun.  Shoveling the walk for the neighbor was fun. 

 

Life was fun. 

 

I chased the one person who gave me moments of peace and precious moments of joy out of my life. 

 

I have to stop that. 

 

It's rare that I find someone that makes me feel safe. 

 

Oh, crap....there is a black cat crying outside my window.   

 

That's a bad omen. 

 

Maybe I need to give an offering of fish to the cat in payment for completion of the wish I made to Isis and Osiris yesterday.  I think I have some cod around here. 

 

Let me see what it needs.

Maybe if one of us is happy, I'll feel better.
 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 

 



Bad Girls

Today I am thankful for my belief that someday, I will be the right kind of bad girl.  
  

Today I was the wrong kind of bad.

Everything I did over today was bad.

Everything....

My bass playing.

My singing.

My voice over.

My recordings were so bad, that my computer started to smoke through one of the usb ports.

I didn't get a lot done.

The dishes didn't come quite clean.

My work out sucked.

The laundry was okay; the machine leaked a little but that's not my fault.

I went outside without make-up.

I had a meeting without my mascara.

People stared.

No one died.

I took the bread out of the oven a little too soon.

The pasta, too.

Even the sun forgot to shine.

It was a sucky, cloudy day.

I've been moping about all day.

I feel guilty.

I begged and pleaded for the universe to bring me exactly what I wanted.

Aphrodite and Eros heard the call.

I should have asked to get my head screwed on straight.

I'm not ready.

I'm not worthy.

So...I did something really, really bad.

I mean, it was incredibly bad.

I have a candle a lady from England sent me with a love spell on it.  It is a candle that you are supposed to light in honor of Osiris and Isis while praying for what you need.  Now, in theory, if it isn't meant to be the gods won't grant your prayer.

So....

This woman sent it with this gorgeous rhinestone encrusted snake bracelet.  That thing takes up my entire wrist.  I love it.  It reminds me of Lilith, the goddess who didn't want to be dominated by a boring male.  She left Adam all alone in his garden.   She's the dark goddess of knowledge, sensuality, lust and all things that make life a little more interesting.

I wanted the bracelet.  It is HOT!  It makes me want snakes (not the reptiles).

If I remember, my friend said it had a spell on it to bring the perfect guy to me.  I don't wear it enough for any spell to take hold.  It is possible it worked.  It is possible it did not.  I don't know.

Spells like that usually works within a couple of months.  Getting to the point where one is ready to jump into a relationship is what takes forever.  I've had the bracelet since April 2011.  She sent a rock, too.  I wonder what happened to that?

I used to sneak rocks like that into my ex's briefcase or gifts to get rid of him.

I tried that trick with my high school sweetheart once.  That infernal rock ended up in my other ex's car.  I don't know how that happened.  I outsmarted him, though, my witch friend spelled the alleged lucky coin that he pocketed.  If he's not getting laid by hot chicks, he spent the thing.

Since that day, he has only been back once to talk about his lack of nooky.  Actually, it wasn't a lack of nooky that posed the problem.  It was the lack of nooky partners that understood him.

I haven't seen him in over two years, so maybe it worked?

Hmmmm......

I did a horribly bad thing today.

I broke the Wiccan Rede.  I prayed a prayer for my friend so that he can find the one meant for him and have his happily ever after.  The moon is waning, so it had to be a prayer to remove blocks to his perfect relationship.

You're not supposed to cast spells on other people.  It wasn't a spell.  It was a prayer to the Egyptian deities of love and devotion.

I don't know if I'm being bad or not.

The candle smells nice.  It smells like Egyptian musk.

He doesn't believe in such stuff.  But if a Victoria's Secret model starts stalking him in a good way, he should pay attention.

I feel guilty because I didn't think he loved me.  I didn't see any hurry in getting the heck out of here because, quite honestly, I didn't think anyone would want me.

I haven't slept well in a little over two weeks, since he opened up about his feelings.  I hurt horribly.  I didn't know.  I did a stupid thing.  I promised to stay here until mid-March to help my ex get his finances straightened out.   My witchy poo friends are casting banishing spells on my ex and his family because I'm not the person I used to be.  Maybe he needs a model stalking him, too.

I feel incredibly guilty.  I can't breathe when I see my friend's face or his name.  I'm having a heck of a hard time going online.

I am asthmatic but I have never once had to use an inhaler....ever...I may need one now.  Relaxation techniques work most of the time.  I'm so stressed out, my body temperature has dropped and air actually feels cold to breathe.

I know....I know....I can hypnotize myself to fix that.

I should...

This stupid crying has got to flippin' stop.

I sob because I didn't listen to that ticking time bomb in my chest and had to listen to that supposedly smart thing that screws everything up.

So...with billions of people on the planet...I'm going to guess that I'm not the only one for my friend.

If I am...well...some crazy thing will happen that will make me be the kind of bad girl that I really want to be.

My ex will run off with a model and sign those papers -or- I'll find a winning lotto ticket on the ground and buy my friend his dream car.

I'm going to try to get five hours of sleep this evening.  My conscience probably won't let me sleep.

I didn't know what else to do.

His happiness means more to me than my own.  The guilt is not doing me any good.  I'm not giving him a solid answer.  A man deserves a solid answer from a woman in a negligee ready to be of service.

May he find her soon and keep all the sordid details happily to himself.

Love ya,

S.

Cold Days in Hades

Today I am thankful for the lack of cold days in Hades.

My ex asked me if he had a chance with me.  

I asked him to explain what that meant. 

He wants to be able to be my sex partner...someday...

He wants to sleep with me....someday. 

I told him no.

 He had several chances with me.  He's been telling me to 'f*ck off' since the day we married.  I'm tired of it. 

Sex is important to me.  My idea of sex usually involves activities that keep one far to busy to utter the phrase EFF off.  If my mouth is full, I can't complain.  If he's having fun, he shouldn't either. 

He pushed me away.  He told me all women were stupid.  He told me I didn't count in our relationship, so he wasn't going to listen to me. 

The way he treated me due to his mother's behavior ruined our relationship.

He will never be were he once was. 

Never. 

If a judge says that we cannot afford to divorce and asks me to stay for the sake of the kids, I'll stay for the sake of the kids.  No judge in his right mind would tell me to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

I've been alone since 2000.  He left me when his mother spread rumors about me. He came back and it has never been the same. 

In 2001, he said he wanted to stay married so his mother couldn't sue for visitation.

We agreed to have a fake marriage somewhere around 2002. 

In 2005, the legislature changed the law giving grandparents rights to their grandchildren through their biological children.  No longer could they sue for custody in the event of a divorce or legal separation unless their son lead the charge. 

In 2006, he called me his ex. 

In 2008, he asked me to stay until he found a job.  He left me that year.  He came back a week later and promised me the sun and the moon.  Nothing changed. 

He left me again in 2010.  Again, I let him back in the house when he wrote me a three page letter promising me that I could hold a job without fear of stalking.  Nothing changed. 

In 2012 he found a job, so I prepared to leave and found that he gutted our finances and my credit. 

Now I'm waiting for the bankruptcy to be completed.   

Whenever we had problems about the marriage, he'd storm off saying it didn't mean anything to talk about it because we were divorcing anyway. 

Nature abhors a void.  Someone filled most of the one in my heart.  Someone makes me smile again.  Someone else makes me wake up in the morning, even if it is to read something over my head so I can make sense of something he said.  Someone else is giving me cause to get out of the house, even if it is to a library.  Someone else is making me feel beautiful. 

Now that I am interested in another man, my ex is starting to refer to me as his wife and says that wants me back. 

My ex only wants me when I want someone else.

I can't hurt my friend. I didn't expect this to happen.  I thought my feelings for him were unrequited.  I thought my friendship and belief in him would be enough. 

It's not. 

 I don't want to risk touching him and making us fall deeper into a potential mess until I get it somewhat cleaned up.  I feel like I'm leading him on.  I wish for an answer. 

No matter what I do, I'm going to hurt him if I don't clean this up soon.  I've hurt him enough already.

It is making me feel quite depressed.

My ex wants to know why he doesn't have a chance. 

I told him that love is like a plant. 

It grows and grows.  It has to be tended.  The garden has to be weeded.  Plants need oxygen.

Every time we had an issue, I felt like he cut me down to the point where there was nothing left. 

Someone else is helping me grow now and I can't help but love him. I thought I our friendship could be enough but it is not. 

Then, my ex started to cry and told me to go to my friend.   He said that he got the sense that three people were hurting, so I may as well go so two of us could be happy. 

He always knew how to induce guilt. 

I'm not sure my friend is completely unhappy.  I'm sure he is entertaining other women. 

Sweet men do that, don't they? 

Sigh....

I don't know what to do. 

The stalking...how do I get past the stalking? 

It's hard for me to believe that his sister can stalk me without his help. 

The crying in the middle of the night....the waking up with panic attacks...

How do I stop that? 

I feel trapped and do not know what to do. 

I'll continue to pray about it. 

If things were meant to be between my friend and I, it would be easier. 

Wouldn't it? 

Sigh....

Love ya,

S.

Catching onto Games

Today, I am thankful for my ability to catch on to games. 

I realize why I wasn't in such a hurry to leave this place. 

Men are, quite often, painfully demanding. 

'Tis better to be alone than with some guy that thinks you ought to jump through hoops to impress him. 

It's a shame. 

It could have been hot. 

I'm supposed to impress him? 

How do I do that? 

Fake eyelashes? 

Fake boobs? 

Fake Bottom?  They actually have undies with padding to make women look curvy. 

Fake smell? 

Fake hair?

Do I buy a girdle?

Am I supposed to paint myself from head to toe? 

Am I supposed to pretend to be someone I'm not? 

Do I buy contact lenses to make my green eyes blue?

If I did that, then I'd be fake. 

I'm heartbroken. 

Love ya,

S. 

Edit sometime later:

Could it have been projection? 

If he expects me to be tripping over myself anxiously trying to impress him, could that be what he is doing? 

He needs to stop that. 

He had me when he started glowing the day he first laid eyes on me.  That is a heck of a compliment and one I rarely get. 

Twenty months ago, I walked into a coffee shop around 1:00 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon.   This man looked up from his lunch and his jaw dropped.  I swear he started glowing.  He looked almost angelic as he motioned for me to take the seat in front of him. 

He was himself. 

It was adorable.

When we met for coffee a few months later because I mistook him for another friend, I liked him the most when he let his fear go and started acting silly.  I had a great time talking to him.  He had a way of making the most asinine political idea sound funny.  He gave me the strength to continue to poke fun at politicians who rip us off in the same of helping the community.  He's right...it is a big fat joke...and, sadly, that joke is often on the taxpayer.

It made my speeches a heck of a lot more entertaining.  My jokes were quoted in the newspaper.  How could I not love the fact that this guy could put fun energy into a political chore?

Then there was the time I drove by him as he sat on the grass.  He was himself.  How could I not like that?

I don't want a fake person.  That is what brought me where I am today.  I married someone who lied about who he was.  He lied about what he wanted.  I feel betrayed.  The betrayals keep coming.  I never thought I'd ever be open to love again.  There are days when I'm not sure I can be.   I'm working on it.

Please...whoever you are...be the person you are.

As for my friend:

I am impressed by how much he loves his daughter.

I am impressed by how much he respects his mother.

I am impressed that he is a good listener, that he holds the door open for old women (including me), that he doesn't complain if I want to pay the check, and that he sends thank you texts when he's had a lot of fun. 

I'm impressed that he doesn't freak out when exposed to my scary driving.  He can calmly sit there, looking at his smart phone, while asking me (in the most polite manner available) if I see the sea of brake lights a few feet in front of me as I'm speeding down the highway.

I'm impressed that when I get lost, he can help me correct my course and get home safely. 

Heck, I'm impressed he didn't vomit after eating my Chanel No 5 flavored breath mints.   That's not something they make.  This is what happens when Altoids sit in my purse for three years.  My ex took one and said it tasted like me, so I threw the mints out.  I got rid of the perfume.  I wear Estee Lauder fragrances now. 

Actually, I'm impressed that he didn't vomit from sitting in my car.  I spilled a frappe in there a long time ago and I'm not sure I got all the milk out of the carpet.  I can't sit in there without losing a little tummy acid.

It is those little things that he does, that he may not know that he does, that make me adore him. 

I'm not sure we'll end up together, but, whoever he ends up with will love him for those little things that make him special, like the way his face lights up when he talks about nerdy stuff. 

Be yourself - that's all a real woman wants. 


 

Assertiveness

Today I am thankful for my ability to say NO! 

Drunken Scorpios scare me, especially on Skype.  

One of my November friends proposed to me in the wee hours of the morning.  He's five years younger than I.  He calls me his cougar.  

Oh, gawd...NO! 

I'm trying to get out of a legal marriage as it is.  Another one does not sound appetizing at all.  

My friend and I have never met in person.  We have five years of Twitter, Facebook and Skype under our belts.  

Nothing else....

Nothing.... 

He's a gentleman.  I've never seen much more than his face, neck and typing hands.    

He may have seen a little cleavage.  

How does he know that I'm not a train wreck underneath my blouse?  

How does he know I don't have the same equipment he has?  

I don't....but he wouldn't know that. 

Why would men ask such a thing without seeing what they're buying?

I think the idea came about four years ago when someone asked if we were hitched.  His first name is similar to my middle name.  He and I have the same last name.   

So, when he asked if I'd make him a groom, I told him that I would only marry him if I could officiate the ceremony.  

He laughed.  And, just like a typical Scorpio he has to examine why I claim to hate marriage when I've stayed in a dead marriage thirteen years after the seven year itch killed it.  

I have to ask why I always end up playing housemaid and cook rather than a spoiled, handcuffed plaything subsisting on protein shakes and kisses.   

Of course, I never ask that out loud.  

It is what it is.  

Men find out that I like to clean and they propose.  I feel like they are offering me a job.  

At least my friend helped me pinpoint what I am afraid of having happen again.

I don't want to play mother to a grown man.  

He knows about the stalking.  He helped put an end to it on Twitter.  He's getting worried and trying to convince me to move to the east coast.  He may be right.  I may be in danger.  

I just don't know what to do.  

I think I'm in love with a Lion in the Rocky Mountains.  

I don't know....I mean...I honestly thought he was interested in someone else.  I'm not sure we are compatible.  I am stuck.  I don't know how to get out of the mire.  

I certainly don't want anyone waiting for me.  Sex is medicine to men.  If he can get it somewhere else in a safe fashion, I'd tell him to go for it.  

Live for today.  

I know he's baiting me.  Do I bite?

I don't know.  If it is meant to be, it'll happen without game playing.

It'll all shake out in the end the way it has to be.  

Maybe I'll end up an obsessed cat lady.  

Maybe I'll just live alone.  

Time will tell.  

Love ya, 

S.

Edit some time later: 

Neither one of these guys can possibly be right for me.

I don't know....

Love is like shopping for a new bass.

You shop around and, yeah, there a lot of nice looking basses.

Few of them actually sound nice; some are tinny, some are scratchy, some have frets that get in the way.

Some that sound nice are too heavy.  Others are too thin that when you slap the darn thing, it moves all over the place.

It's hard to find the one that fits right.

Oh, how I love musical instruments but I am so much pickier when it comes to men.

I can't get over the fact that the guy I have feelings for made fun of my voice after he caught me talking to a young kid confused about his political orientation and a homeless man selling newspapers on the street corner.

He can't be right for me.  

If he were, he'd understand who I am.  He'd understand why I do political outreach and why I talk to homeless people.  He'd let me to that without feeling threatened.

I know he apologized the only way he knew how.  He told an Aesop's tale.  In graduate school, I studied hypnotic teaching tales.  He made his point, whether or not he wanted to.

He thought he was out of  my league.  I was sour grapes making him whine.

To be sure, he was the only man within three years of my age to proposition me in years.  Usually, the guys are much younger or much older.  It is refreshing knowing someone my own age.

He also grew up within a few miles of the house where I spent most of my childhood.  He gets little nuances that guys on the other side of the tracks won't understand.  It is a lower middle class neighborhood.  The value is hard work, education, and not showing off crap you can't afford. 

Something is wrong....if it weren't....I wouldn't hesitate.

Maybe I'm just being negative.  Maybe if I use my bass analogy, I just need to get tuned into my friend and hear him a little more.

Then when I am absolutely sure I should run my friend off or buy him a membership to a dating site, I see his picture and miss him. 

What the heck is wrong with me? 

Love ya,

S.

Bad Jokes

Today I am thankful for bad jokes.

How many 'friend-zoned' guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they’d just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

Uh....

the rushing into relationships by screwing women thingy....

is the reason why men have battle scarred hearts. 

If he wants it to last, he'll be more open. 

If he wants a fling, it may be wise to look elsewhere for the next sixty days. 

I won't cheat.  A judge is going to have to make it crystal clear for Mr. Denial that the relationship is over. 

I met a man who is is a mirror for me.  It is uncanny.  There is something intriguing about that.  I can't define it.  It just is. 

I just don't know how to communicate.  I'm torn between loyalty for someone not so loyal towards me and getting some poor third party sucked into drama that, in all reality, shouldn't even exist.

There is a plan.  I can tell him about it.  It's not something I'm going to broadcast.  Last time I did that, a bunch of conservative politicians persuaded me to stay here.  That act destroyed not only my career, it took my savings and bankrupted me.

I like to keep some things close to the vest.

My friend and I don't really talk enough to fall hard and heavy anyway.  I know it is because of the stalking.  How in the heck do I get out of the house without my stalker escort.  If he's not with me, the stalker is.

They say it is proximity of time and place that causes people to act on pangs of love. 

Distance will dampen it. 

This shouldn't be so hard.


Ugh....Bad pun.....

Still, if it is meant to be, shouldn't the stars align in such a way that I find a job, great therapist, and an apartment to compliment my divorce lawyer*.

What is this defining relationships by sex thing?  Why does it mean I don't love anyone?

I love my friend enough to keep him free to screw others and keep him safe.

Who is to say that my not screwing him isn't an act of love?  Does he want to meet my stalker and his proxies?

Geesh! 

And, yeah, I think I am gaining weight in an attempt to turn him off.  I'll stop that.  I must've gained twenty pounds since he stared into my eyes sixteen months ago.  I miss my size eight wardrobe.  

Every night I crawl into an empty bed.  I cry.  It hurts.  I hate it.  I think of my friend.  I pray he finds the love of his life.  I'm in so much pain that I cannot imagine anyone being happy with me. 

There have been accusations that I have forgotten about love.

It's not that I forgot what love feels like.  I feel it all the time.  I feel it when I share my lunch or bus money with homeless people.  I feel it when I help a little kid or donate money to someone in need. 

I feel it all the time. 

It is love coupled with desire that I forgot about. 

I don't have a clue what to do with that now. 

It's been too long. 

The mind plays tricks. 

How do I know it's real? 

How do we avoid the traps that ruined the relationships that came before?

How do people make the most of opportunities? 

How do people find balance? 

How does one leave one relationship and get healthy enough for their baggage not to impact a new one?

It's not simple, is it?

I could just love....and do things that come naturally...and end up hurting people in the process.  I just don't want to hurt my friend.  There is nothing wrong with being my friend. 

He should aim to be my best friend.  My best friend gets anything he wants.  


Love ya,

S. 

*I would like to thank my friend for not arguing with the divorce lawyer anymore.  He and the lawyer used to get into heated arguments on Facebook.  I never jumped in because...his firm is basically taking me on for next to nothing.  If I survive this, it is because they understand how dangerous this is becoming for me.

Documentation

Today I am thankful that I have a place to document the crap.

It's kinda weird that this has become a blog of creepy stuff rather than a gratitude statement. 

I'll just go with it. 

I forgot to make tea for his lunch.  I think he's punishing me. 

I'm working on a project for two friends who think they can make me a millionaire.  It's so cute.  They think that my voice can make me rich. 

I'm sleeping less than four hours a day. 

The house is a mess. 

I've been taking the kids, one by one, to their dental check-ups. 

I'm trying to get him to help me make a plan just in case his assertion that his sister and her friend are the stalkers.  He ignores me.

When he gets mad at me, the house gets messy and my car keys go missing. 

To remedy this, I keep my car keys in my car at night.  It's in a locked garage.  

Now, he's taken to locking my car for me as he leaves for work.  The keys are still inside mind you. 

He has the spare pair. 

He won't answer the phone. 

Of course, he managed to fix the broken window that I used to use to break into the car when he did this in the past. 

So, today I ended up walking three children to three different schools over the course of three different hours.  The youngest was really tired by the time she arrived to school. 

I've decided to outwit the mean one. 

It's not that hard. 

I wonder if they have fake GPS devices that I can hide things in?

It was an exhausting morning, so I ended up falling asleep for three hours.  I had a dream.  Not a cool important dream, like Martin Luther King, but a memory. 

I remembered my high school reunions. 

These took place after he called me his ex.  These took place when he wanted that 'fake marriage' and told me that I could see other people. 

We had agreed that I would attend the minor events alone (due to our propensity to act coldly with each other) and that he would go to the fancy galas.  This came about because once he started getting violent en route to a reunion and I ended up getting out of the van with a raging lunatic in the middle of a busy street.  One of my friends witnessed the whole thing and has been trying to get me out of here since.  That was in 2006.  I don't like him going anymore.  It is embarassing. 

There were two reunions where I remember him hanging nearby watching me. 

One was a tour of the old High School.  He wanted to use my car for something or another, so he said he would drop me off and take the girls back home and wait for my call later that day.  I found him and the girls lurking across the street two hours later.  They had been there the whole time.

I felt guilty for going and the girls staying there so long that I left early and went home. 

Then, there was a high school reunion at a park.  He lingered on the other side of a stream watching me the entire day.  I felt guilty that he wasn't part of the picnic.

I did not reward him by inviting him to hang out with me.  I spent most of the day listening to a classmate verbally sort through issues with her dying mother. 

He does stalk.  He doesn't think it is stalking.  He is keeping tabs on me. 

I am a little creeped out. 

For what it's worth, I'll type it out.  It has to be him. 

I'm eating a lot of junk food.  I don't have money for groceries, so the kids get what is in the cupboard.  I'm eating those disgusting cookies that we found for thirty cents a bag on those Christmas clearance sales. 

I don't feel so well anymore. 

On the bright side, he keeps telling me that all men want a trophy wife.  I'm not going to be much of a trophy anymore. 

I don't get it.  It would appear that I have to look like I'm happy and in love even if the reality is far different. 

This is hard to understand. 

Love ya,

S.

Narcissists

Today, I think I am thankful for narcissists.  

I'm not sure.

But, maybe there is some silver lining in everything about them.  I mean, that need for adoration can be easily manipulated.

I'm hurt.

I did my due diligence.  I told everyone who the stalker was.  That way the wrong people don't get arrested if something happens to me.  The targets know who it is and they know to call the cops.

My ex has blamed everyone else.  He blamed my high school sweetheart.  He blamed the minister of a local church.  He blamed the one armed man.

He's blamed everybody except the idiots he put up to it.

So....it dawned on me today that he has mentioned seeing his members of his family drive by the house.

We've found religious artifacts on the porch (his sister is allegedly trying to make me join a cult).  This may actually be a good idea, it would be an excuse for him to sign the divorce papers.

There was a gps box on my car.

I think they've been to the house.

We have to sell the house.

This is huge.  He wants me to stay married to him so that I can live in this house and help the kids finish school here.

We are in danger here.

He swears up and down that he isn't the stalker.  The stalker has been to the house.

If he is the stalker, he can control it.  He can get help and the kids can stay here.

If it is his psycho sister, he can't control it.  We are in danger and must move.  I reasoned that I can divorce him since the only reason he wants me to stay is so the kids can stay in this house.

I think I short-circuited his brain.

Now, he wants me to stay because he fantasizes about doing something orally to me on the couch in his basement apartment.

I told him that I fantasize about eating a lot of beans.

Sigh...

I have to trust you before you can go there.

He was caught in another lie this morning.  I don't trust him as far as I can throw a 450 pound man.

Let's see....

So now the task becomes how to get out of here, let his family save face and make a huge joke about the stalking.

Should I give Groucho Marx glasses to the targets?  I mean, they follow me when I'm on lunch outings with male colleagues.  Perhaps, when we see them, we could wear the funny stuff and give them something to look at?

Or should I master John Cleese's funny walk?

If I really wanted to get under their skins, I'd dress like a slut but I have a lot of respect for my fellow man.  So, I won't unless I can find heavy duty body make-up.  The stuff at MAC doesn't cover enough; I think the stuff I use needs to be something akin to flesh colored spackle.

I don't know....

Narcissists hate embarrassment.  Maybe not embarrassment, per se, but  they hate to be wrong and they hate being ridiculed.  Maybe if I made a joke out of their crap, they'd leave me alone.

I'll find the perfect thing.  Right now, I carry a headband made of two red-sequined demon ears in a book bag full of pagan symbols.  My aunt made the bag for me.  She's just as ornery as me!

I can't wait to practice my latin on them.

Asinus Stultus!  Oh, sorry....that's the one I use on libtard professors.  It means stupid donkey.  There is one for dorkmuffin Repugnicans...

Caudex! (Idiot)

Hmmmm.....how about....

Nihil nequius est te!  (You're the most worthless thing or something like that )

They run around claiming that I'm a satanic witch.  I may as well play the part.

Hmmmm....maybe I need to go buy a wand or something.


Love ya,

S.

YouTube Viewers

 


Today I am thankful for YouTube viewers; they have a way of putting things in perspective.  

Yes, they can be obnoxious.

They can also be quite inspiring.

Several years ago, after spending time trying to convince an adorable old flame that he was hot enough to find someone to love, I decided to put up a series of self-help videos on YouTube.

I wrote them for him, hoping that Mr. Scorpio would do the following up on me thing.   That kind of quiet stalking is okay.

It's the threatening little old lady stalking, pulling a gun on the neighbors while spreading malicious gossip, and messing up my car with a gps box stalking that I hate.

If I put something on the web,

using my real name and not claiming that it is fiction...

it's okay to quote me, share, or whatever....

I have a free series on attracting love and a free series on dating....I had a series about female O's but that didn't mesh too well with my conservative political aspirations, so I took it down.

I had a woman write me a long letter about how I inspired her to go out and date and how it has brought a lot of love into her life.

I was reading it in my Gmail account.

One the chat function in my Gmail account are the avatars of every man who has every seen me naked and the one that I am....uh....crushing on.

As I glanced to the names on the left, the reality of the situation set in and my vertigo hit.  The only phrase that came to mind was

"Physician Heal Thyself."

I can't sleep.  I vacillate between desire and feeling insecure about my sexuality.  I know that this is not uncommon for women who have been in sexless marriages but I never thought it would happen to me.  There is no greater pain than being rejected by a partner....except being ridiculed and sexually demeaned by him.  I am tempted to go in for cosmetic surgery.

I've been eating too much chocolate.  I have to stop that or I will sleep alone for the rest of my life!

I went to another lawyer.  He said I needed a restraining order.  No one believes that my in-laws are stalking me, they all point to my ex.  I hate to think he's lying to me....again.

Can I move on without getting shot?

My ex told me that my new friend makes me as giddy as I was as a kid.

I feel so pretty when I smile.  My friend makes me smile.

He comes up with some argument that is so over my head that I have to order specialized books on the topic just to catch up....

instead of embarrassing me...

he posts cute and funny pictures to change the subject.

How can I not love that?

Here's the rub...

with tears in his eyes, my ex told me to run and find happiness with my friend.

It's too early for that.

I can't drag any of my friends through my baggage.  Few know what is going on.  The only men who know about the stalking are the ones that have been targeted or were with me during an incident.

I don't see how I can involve anyone right now.

The loneliness kills.  In the past, I thought my loyalty would pay off.  I thought my ex could get help and keep his promise to work things out.  I'm beginning to realize that will be the day that I die.

It has been this way since I was 30 years old! My mother-in-law and her daughter spread some horrible gossip and it ruined my marriage.  I thought they'd clear it up.  They refuse but are not above calling here and gloating about it.  They know they lied.  It's stinks. They want me gone.  It is high time that wish came true.

Thirteen years....many of my friends have been married and divorced in that span.

I've stayed here...in pain...trying to do the right thing.

This evening, I overheard my ex refer to me as his wife.  He was asking someone what kind of gun to buy me.

What in the world is going on with that man?

I'm so confused.  My stomach hurts.  I've been swallowing bile for five hours now.

I have triple the ex guilt...

Heaven help me as I sleep another night alone...

It's time to make a decision -and- follow my own advice.

I've spent half of my adult life alone.

Love ya,

S.

Bail Bonds

 

 

Today I am thankful for bail bonds.

My estranged spouse really and truly wants to clear his name.  He wants to prove once and for all that he is NOT my stalker, even though I caught him on more than one occasion lurking about around professional venues.

He swears up and down that it is his sister and her boyfriend who are behind the latest round of stalking.  This has been going on since January '92. 

I still can't figure out why his sister would be stalking me without his consent.  I've always known Shannon to be a bit of a stalker.  She'll hang out in the back seat of my car waiting for me, she'll run around to third parties and spread malicious gossip.  She'll take guns to my neighbors and threaten my professors.  She loves phone harassment.  She used to show up at places I worked and steal merchandise.  At least she let me log what she took so I could pay for it. 

The best thing to do with a crazy cat like that is ignore her. 

Here's the rub.  Whatever I want to do, she'll do. 

It's all good.  At least I haven't inspired her to get arrested or murder people. 

When I went to school, she did.
When I was a bass player for a country band, she claimed to be a musician, too.
When I went into the legal profession advocating for victims of crime while earning my master's, she decided to go to school to learn how to council cops who had PTSD.

The problem, though, is that I am supposed to stop what I am doing so I am not competing with her.

A couple of years ago, I had an Internet self-help blog but the highest number fans my blog ever had was 16,201.  She is an Internet guru weight loss guru now, with 112 fans.

Woo hoo!  That's a milestone!  That first hundred fans took me a whole week to get.

Guess what my specialty used to be?  Weight loss 

Now, I'm doing voice-overs.  No one can stalk me easily in my recording studio.  It's a lot like having a safe room in my home. 

On Thursday, I was told that Shannon claims she's being cyber-stalked stalked by a woman.  If I go near her, she'll claim it is me. 

I can feel trouble in the air.

Shannon always had a way of ruining get-togethers.  Once she had a bunch of gay guys come at me because she told them that I was a homophobe.  I went on to describe how my gay roommate died of AIDS and half of them left the party in tears. 

She's a trouble maker. 

Today is the wake for her father.  She told the family not to let her brother know about the funeral.  He's fuming.

This is not the forum to fume.   

Mike swears up and down he has to go to confront Shannon and Doug (her boyfriend) for stalking me and harassing me at work.  I really wish he wouldn't do that. 

I'll have no part of it. 

What good could come out of that?

If she is the stalker, why would he risk parking his car in the parking lot of said church?  I may have to pay for another GPS sweep. 

I at least was able to persuade him to carry a tape recorder, a video camera, and the non-emergency number to the local police department. 

Drama....I do so tire of all the drama. 

Love ya,

S.


Okay, Mike called and said everyone was good.  There was no fighting, no stupidity and no one was arrested.   He did say something about Doug wanting everyone to become 7th Day Adventists as he drank several Busch Beers. 

Uh...they eschew alcohol. 

I used to be a minister and my SDA colleagues were very devout. 

This guy is going to be trouble.  I wonder if religion wasn't the pretext to harass me on Mike's behalf. 

At least I know the man's identity.  His face matched up to the pics from the security cam. 

The man who followed my old friend and I before hassling the people in my office building was, indeed, Shannon's boyfriend.  His name is Doug.  No one will tell me his last name. 

At least I know who he is. 

He looks a lot like a pastor I met several years ago. I'm going to contact my old religious friends and ask around.  Maybe someone can talk some sense into him. 

It's going to get interesting now. 

Manly Metaphors

There could be no fairer destiny for any physical theory than that it should point the way to a more comprehensive theory in which it lives on as a limiting case.
- Albert Einstein

Today, I am thankful for manly metaphors. 

They make me laugh. 

They are incredibly revealing. 

So, today my friend goes on and on about nuclear processes and how protons that are similar repel each other. 

Gotcha....

I'm a soft science geek.  I don't get electrical stuff....only the psychology of why it is important to talk about the things we choose to discuss in a public forum. 

May he find a hot chick that doesn't feel so cozy around him. 

Oh, holy crap....

He's refuting the idea that thoughts can raise frequency and going on and on about soundwaves. 

In this way, he seems to be misconstruing Vitalism and misunderstanding the foundations of Eastern and Ayurvedic Medicine while invoking phallic symbols.  He wrote something about not being able to raise energy frequencies because it vibrates and the unicorn is gone. 

I couldn't read it without grinning.   Grinning sends all my blood in the wrong places and I miss the point.  I'm sure I mixed it all up.  I guess I'm going to need to find a book entitled Nuclear Physics for Dummies. 

I could get him a book on René Descartes and the error of the Cartesian split; this is what separates western thought from eastern thought.  It is the mind-body split that makes theories about physical nature divorced from theories about spiritual  and mental nature.  This is why frequency has a different definition in a physical context than it does in a spiritual one.

Or I should buy him a book of metaphors.  There really aren't very many around.  Maybe I should write one so the whole world understands why teenage girls love unicorns.  Horses are hot...... but unicorns are hotter.  What is a woman really saying when she says always be a unicorn?  

To be sure, what sounds like science to a science geek sounds like sexual frustration to a therapist.

I hold back a majority of my filthy comments on Facebook.  You'd be surprised at what I don't say when I read the posts from gun-toting male NRA members.  

Sigh...

It would be abusive to send him Reiki, huh?  

Okay....I won't.   But maybe....just maybe if he experienced what it is like to have a raise in frequency, he'd open his mind a little bit. 

Does he not know about sound wave theory?  Solfeggio tones? Rife?  Brainwave synchronization and all that?  Sounds waves can and do raise frequency. 

Hmmmm.....

There is a fine line between physics and metaphysics.  I didn't understand that until I got into studying Albert Einstein. 

There is a heck of a lot that we don't understand. 

If I only knew what he wanted, I'd prove to him that the universe is more than the sum of its parts, it is more than what we read in scientific journals.   

Sigh.....

There is a fine line between genius and stupidity.  I learned that in graduate school and it works well in politics.  If you act like an interested moron, people will tell you e*v*e*r*y*t*h*i*n*g.  I call that the Columbo Effect: All you have to do is act like an idiot and then thread it all together for the brats at the end of the hour.

That works like a charm. 

This guy....I don't know what to do about him.  I'm going to take on more recording contracts to keep myself busy.  I haven't slept more than three hours at a whack since last Friday, the day he threw me for a loop on Facebook. 

I thought it was unrequited. 

Maybe it was a joke.  Maybe he was casting a net hoping he'd get someone to cuddle as the temperatures dipped below zero.

I think we made up.  I think our friendship is in tact but I think I overwhelm him and have to avoid him. 

I'm not sure we're compatible.  He's one of the few men that can stand my politics.  He can't stand my spirituality.  Sigh....it is a lot to swallow.  Swallowing that would mean to have a belief in that which is intangible. 

Some of us like to swallow more than others. 

 

Love ya,

S.

Sorting out Confusion

Today, I am thankful for information.  

Forgive me as I try to sort it out here.   

Let's see....I found out that he has a $100,000 life insurance policy on me.  It's not enough to murder me for but it would pay off most of the $120,000 mortgage.

He doesn't have one on himself. 

I woke up and found that he had put a budget on the kitchen table. 

He claims he brings home a little over $2,600 per month after taxes.  He doesn't have a line item expense for groceries.   He makes it look like we're broke.

The bankruptcy judge said he brought home a little over $3,000 a month and had at least $1,500 in disposable income. 

I'm confused. 

He promised me he'd help me divorce him once he found a job, so for four years I stuck around to help him find a job.  I put on fake smiles.  I networked.  I ignored my feelings for another.

He was hired last February, at which point he hid all of our assets, stopped paying the bills, seized control of the bank account and demanded that I stay with him for the sake of the kids.  It was bad.  Local politicians even got in my face over it telling me that it was unethical to get divorced, even if a guy was abusing you. 

He wants me to stick around and play housewife.  I can't figure out how to do that without access to the bank accounts. 

I am terrified about the stalking.  I figure that if I leave, it'll get bad for a little while and then stop when he finds a new girlfriend.  If I stay, it will go on another twenty years.

I still don't get the stalking.  I have a photo of the last guy who harassed me at work.  It is my sister-in-law's fiance.  I only know him by the name of Doug.  He hails from a town called Golden.  He is about 6' tall, likes to wear black and is a little heavy set.  He has a compulsion to touch things, at least that is what the people he harassed in my office building told me. 

When he ran into me on the street, he grabbed my shoulder. 

The family says he is trying to convert me to is religion.  Most of the stalking is religious based but since most everyone in the family is Catholic, so why is he bugging me?

Maybe this is a family affair and they are using religion as an excuse.   It does explain the religious stuff left on my porch. 

Mike is going to spend Sunday with them; he's excited about meeting my stalker.  I don't know if he's going to threaten him or scheme with him. 


I thought he had no contact with his dysfunctional family.  I've been informed that this is not true.  His cousin, who was a good friend in high school, talks to him on a daily basis.  My brother-in-law says that she relays everything back to them.  That's how they knew where I was going and what I was doing. 

I'm terrified. 

I need to leave....pronto. 

I spent some time reading the recent research on stalker behavior and stalker studies.  It pegs him to a 't'.  He says he'll kill himself if I leave.  He says our relationship is all he lives for.  He wants to keep me safe. 

It's him. 

I'm begging him to call the police before engaging his sister.  He swears she and her beau are the stalkers.  If they were, why would he give them information about me. 

It has got to be him. 

If I work, he'll stalk me.  I need to divorce before I get a job. 

This is the catch 22.  How do I afford a divorce if I am terrified to go to work and how do I go to work if I'm terrified my husband and his family will stalk me?

Now, our legal entanglement ends in mid-March.  I'm going to try to get legal help before then. 

I'm looking for a trailer to live in.  It's time to cut my losses.  I found one for $2,500 in a city five miles away from the town I grew up in.  It doesn't have any heat but I could live there. 

I could really use a friend.

So, this is family drama.....trailer trash style. 

My family of origin was upper middle class.  My uncle paid for his huge house in cash.  My grandfather didn't use credit cards.  We paid cash for everything.... including cars.  We worked for everything.  It was a sin NOT to work twelve hours a day.  Even the housewives worked (e.g. laundry, childcare, volunteering). 

Life insurance policies were much larger than $100,000. 

This crap is petty. 

This guy....he's turned me into trailer trash.  That trailer costs less than the guitars I had to sell to survive in this bad marriage.  My Steinberger was worth $3,000.  My custom Peavey made with some rare wood from Hawaii cost $4,000.  I gave that one to a man Mike bullied to help him with the cost of rehabilitation as he turned to drugs to cope.  He was a bass player for a local band, it was the only thing of value I could give him.  He had to sell it but at least he knew what it was worth. 

I'm not happy. 

I don't want to ever enter into a relationship with a man creating negative karma in my life.  I need someone who gives a crap about other people.  No more selfish piggies for me....ever! 

I should mention that he quit therapy when he was told he had a narcissistic personality.  I don't think he's going back and I really fear the fall out now.  He has no one to help him work through the death of his father.  His family wouldn't let him attend the funeral.  They lied about his father's health. 

I know he's going to take it out on me. 

I have told people about the stalking.  I have mentioned the gps box in public.  I keep this blog, so if I wind up dead people will know what was going on.  I feel crazy for it but if I talk about it, answers will come. 

I am paranoid.  Someone came to the door banging on it earlier today.  When I answered, no one was there.  No one was one the block.  There were no notes on the door.  Why would someone do that?

The thing that makes me cry is the stalking.  He knows about it yet he refuses to stop it.  His family really can't be stalking me without his permission.  He blames them.  The cops blame him. 

I side with the cops. 

I just want to get away now.  

Love ya,

S. 

Bittersweet Answers

Today, I'm thankful for bittersweet, half-baked answers.

Everyone who knows me knows that I've had issues with stalking since 1992, the year I started dating my estranged spouse.  In the past my sister-in-law, Shannon , always bragged about it. 

She was my prime suspect.  The cops and the P.I. say it is my spouse. 

Today I learned that I was right about Shannon being my stalker.  My brother-in-law, William, identified the man who watched my old friend and I have lunch as Shannon's fiance.  They started dating the month the stalking started up again.  I thought we had a four year lull in it but now people are claiming that Shannon's father was driving by our house in the afternoon. 

After I left a restaurant, a man I did not know approached me and said "Hi Satan".  I laughed and walked off. 

This tall man, with dark hair, went on to hassle people in my office building, holding my picture and demanding to know where I went to church.   He went too far when he threatened an elderly person in that building. 

Apparently, Shannon and her beau are running around trying to convert everyone to join what William claims is a cult in a city called Golden.   I was stalked in a city ten minutes away from the alleged compound. 

My in-laws knew about Shannon stalking me.  It must be a running joke. 

I'm shocked.  Well, not really.

I'm not sure if my estranged spouse, Mike, knew about it.   The problem that I have with this is that it sounds like the same story Mike told me the day it happened.  In that story, it was a friend of my old flame that wanted to convert me to a different church. 

The more I hear, the more I believe the cops.  The cops say that families typically only stalk in-laws if money is involved.  He stole $17,000 from me last year but I found out in late December.  He wanted me stay home to help him find a job but the moment he did that he locked me out of all the financial accounts.  It is not uncommon for me to get $30 for groceries every two weeks...for a family of FIVE! He makes good money!

I need to leave. 

Why would they put a GPS box on my car? 

This still doesn't make sense. 

At least sicko has a name-o and a location. 

I'm happy my old friend wasn't a target.  Part of me worried about that.  There was a little part of me wondering if he had an ex with a brother who had an ax to grind. 

It was just a crime of opportunity.  Mike mentioned his fears that I was hanging out with an old flame, word spread like wildfire and I ended up being watched by Shannon and her love. 

It'll be nice to get back to work.

Love ya,

S.  

P.S.  Okay....The joke is on me.  I did a little research and there is no cult in the city.  In fact the location appears to be a church that sponsors the Interfaith charities in the area.  I can't see how they would allow one of their ministers to stalk anyone.  

Maybe this guy is messing with my in-laws.  I sure hope not.  

This would be karma in action, wouldn't it? 

Shannon appears to be exhibiting false stalker syndrome.  I was informed today that she is claiming to be cyberstalked by a woman. Knowing what I know about projection, I'll assume she is cyberstalking other people.  I've got three computers.  Two are infected.  

Maybe....

who knows. 

Who cares?  

I'm on Facebook most of the time, so there is nothing for any cyberstalker to see there that the whole world doesn't see anyway.  The real life stalking only creeps me out because vulnerable people have been threatened.

If Shannon sees this, her brother makes it sound like she's being abused financially, emotionally and physically.  He's worried.  He makes it sound like she's in with a liar who is holding something over her head to keep her in her place and locked in his delusion.  That could, though, be projection on Mike's part. 

Seventh Day Adventists don't typically stalk or harass Pagans or Catholics.  They are fairly liberal.  Trust me, this guy is not who he claims to be.  I'm being told he's a minister.  They have pastors.  He's definitely not a sanctioned pastor of that church. 

If William is messing with us, his story is pretty good....urge him to write a screenplay! 

P.S.S.  No stalking allowed or I will have her and her beau tazed and dazed now that I know his name.  I'm really close to getting a no contact order on everyone in that family.  This is getting old.

I can't keep putting up with this. . 

Running Away

Today I am thankful that running away is an option. 

I'm tired. 

I have a master's degree in psychology. 

Why don't they teach us male psychology? 

I mean, we learn the health benefits of sex and social support. 

We learn how to steer clear of controlling psychos. 

We learn how stories (e.g. conspiracy theories) reveal current challenges men are facing in their day to day lives.  Someone is worried about his financial future. 

The psych degree does come in handy. 

I never learned that normal men can turn into obnoxious ninnies if they feel spurned when they spring the three little words on us in a public forum, without warning. 

No man has ever said those words to me prior to seeing me naked. 

No one. 

I'm shocked. 

I'm not much to look at anymore.  When I hear that I am loved now, it is usually because I do something nice for another human being. 

You know, if you can feel love for someone without the hugs...without the kisses....without the roses....without sex....without all the physical and material trappings of a relationship....maybe it is the real thing.

I don't know.

They say a soul mate will come into your life and change every flippin' thing about you.  I stopped drinking.  I'm no longer addicted to diet pills.  I don't wear make-up as much as I used to.  I wear sneakers around this guy (to the point my other friends pick on me about it).  I cut my work-out down to 45 minutes a day.  I sing to the radio.  I smile.  I pray. I'm getting help for the panic attacks.  As much as he doesn't like me saying it; he makes me think about

what is possible,
what I can offer someone,
what my frailties are,
how to be more beautiful inside and out,
and how to be a better and more loving person.

He seemed irritated that I mentioned that he always makes me think.  He wants me to fess us to what he makes me feel.

Sigh.....

There is one man in the world who leaves me speechless. 

If you knew me, you'd know that means something. 

He's the only guy in the world who understands the value of silence...of just being there.  I like when he talks.  He's funny.  He's dirty.  He's honest.  When I write about wanting a few hours of peace and quiet with another human being, he'll offer to take me to a movie.

He understands me. 

That's rare. 

I guess I don't understand him as much as I'd like. 

But, in my brutal honesty about holding back out of fear of hurting someone, I pissed him off.   The tawny eyed, auburn haired chick with hypnotic eyes ....ran this time.

I think I'm going to lose a friend over it. 

I think it turned into a fight.  Oh, nice....if we ever hook up...this IS our first fight.

I can't breathe.

I don't know. 

What I need is my own apartment, my own place, my own space.

Maybe if I embraced my celibacy, rather than wish so hard to leave it behind things would fall into place.

I'm tired. 

Perhaps it's not a bad thing to run away from the whole enjoying life thing.  I mean, if I promised my ex that I'd stay with him, do his laundry, cook his dinner and act like a nun - the stalking would stop. 

I'll think about it.  He has to be behind the stalking.  All the stories he tells about his sister stalking me really don't make a heck of a lot of sense.

My friend told me to try garlic to keep the stalking emotional vampire away.  At least I think it was him.  There is an anonymous guy on an online forum who promises to do things for me; then my friend does them.

It could be a coincidence.  It could be him.  I don't know.  It doesn't matter.

My friend lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees me. I don't know what to do.  I promised myself six months of freedom from relationships after my divorce was final.  That was six years ago.  I'm still working on it.  Love kinda rushed in on me and I'm finding myself very confused by the whole thing.

If I don't settle down, I risk bringing my baggage into a new relationship.  In theory, it sounds easy to avoid men for years to just work on myself.  In reality, that isn't happening.  I've been without a relational partner for a very long time.  I still feel messed up.

My friend notices the panic attacks.  He notices the anxiety when I'm in public.  I don't think he cares about those things.

What I want to know is how does my friend know?  How does he know I love him?  How does he know I am not being honest about that?

I must be transparent.  Why doesn't anyone else know?

Actually, that is not true.

My ex was yelling at me.  When he left the room, my eldest looked at me and asked why I put up with that.

Then, she said something I thought I'd never hear in a million years.

"Your friend Steve seems nice."  

Maybe everyone sees it except me.

If it is meant to be, I'll find a job and a new home.  If not, my friend will find a hotter chick who understands him.

If I said I wasn't crying, I'd be a liar.


Love ya,

S. 

 

 

 

Revelations

 

 

Now, I am thankful for revelations. 

I'm not happy about it and it's really a turn off.

But, at least, I know what I'm dealing with. 

A man who I adore and desire professed his love for me on Facebook on Friday. 

I haven't seen him in over three months

-because-

he was making fun of me

-because-

I was talking to other men at a political venue. 

Then he mentioned something about sour grapes and putting down the taste of things out of his reach. 

That's probably the best explanation for his shenanigans. 

So I forgave my handsome friend for being a jerk. 

I thought he wasn't interested in me.  He's the only man in the world that won't hug me.   My political foes hug me.  My exes hug me.  My neighbors hug me. 

He shakes my hand. 

Earlier this year my spouse asked me to consider staying with him.  I don't want to do that.  We are now looking into ways to help the financial aspect of divorce so neither him nor I end up living in a cardboard box.  We are cleaning up a legal entanglement.  I need to move out of this house before I suck another soul into my life. 

Now, my love interest with the adorable bald head and hot beard is starting to wear on my nerves.  He's accusing me of not having feelings, of being silent, of being cold and callous. 

I'm not.  I'm just trying to prevent drama. 

There is a little stalker issue that I'm trying to clear up.  I cannot bring any man into my life right now.  The jealousy thing is disgusting.  Adding another jealous man to the equation would not be pretty. 

Besides, it is always a good idea to take things slow.  I know that my friend and I both have issues that will require time to build trust before we can really get serious about anyone.  I'd say that this is probably true of nearly anyone in our age group. 

Look, I know the only answer a man wants when he professes his love to a woman

is for her to kneel down in front of him

and kiss him everywhere

and show him how she feels. 

At least, that is how I fantasize about answering that question with the right guy at the right time.

A lady can't do that on Facebook.  

Neither can this redheaded pervert at this point in time. 

This is why it is generally advised to profess such feelings in private. 

In my situation, a lady can't do that when she's not quite out of her house, co-habiting with her ex, the day after his father died, while she has the flu, is working sixteen hours a day on a recording project, with a man who hasn't called her in over three months.

He should give it time.  I love my friend.  I love him enough to do everything in my power to avoid breaking his heart (and giving him the flu). 

If he's going to press me for an answer without taking the time to figure out what is going on,  it would be wise to look elsewhere. 

He's hot. 

He can find someone more available. 

Love ya,

S. 

P.S.  Oh, that's nice.  The guy the cops claim is stalking me has just announced that he has more than ten friends in common with my friend and wanted to let me know that he has just looked at his page and deleted all his posts about his undying love from his page. 

That's not a tad bit creepy, is it? 

The alleged stalker is NOT my facebook friend.  I blocked him and his family a long time ago!!! 

And, I don't have a reason to take things slow? 

I used to think my slober made men go crazy.  I didn't even have to kiss this one. 

Maybe it's my aura. 

It's enough to make me want to put a paper bag on my head. 

Perhaps I ought to buy my friend a membership to a dating website.   

Sigh.....

This is why I love my work.  I like my work being stalked. 

Love interests and male friends....not so much.