Today I am thankful for my belief that someday, I will be the right kind of bad girl.
Everything I did over today was bad.
Everything....
My bass playing.
My singing.
My voice over.
My recordings were so bad, that my computer started to smoke through one of the usb ports.
I didn't get a lot done.
The dishes didn't come quite clean.
My work out sucked.
The laundry was okay; the machine leaked a little but that's not my fault.
I went outside without make-up.
I had a meeting without my mascara.
People stared.
No one died.
I took the bread out of the oven a little too soon.
The pasta, too.
Even the sun forgot to shine.
It was a sucky, cloudy day.
I've been moping about all day.
I feel guilty.
I begged and pleaded for the universe to bring me exactly what I wanted.
Aphrodite and Eros heard the call.
I should have asked to get my head screwed on straight.
I'm not ready.
I'm not worthy.
So...I did something really, really bad.
I mean, it was incredibly bad.
I have a candle a lady from England sent me with a love spell on it. It is a candle that you are supposed to light in honor of Osiris and Isis while praying for what you need. Now, in theory, if it isn't meant to be the gods won't grant your prayer.
So....
This woman sent it with this gorgeous rhinestone encrusted snake bracelet. That thing takes up my entire wrist. I love it. It reminds me of Lilith, the goddess who didn't want to be dominated by a boring male. She left Adam all alone in his garden. She's the dark goddess of knowledge, sensuality, lust and all things that make life a little more interesting.
I wanted the bracelet. It is HOT! It makes me want snakes (not the reptiles).
If I remember, my friend said it had a spell on it to bring the perfect guy to me. I don't wear it enough for any spell to take hold. It is possible it worked. It is possible it did not. I don't know.
Spells like that usually works within a couple of months. Getting to the point where one is ready to jump into a relationship is what takes forever. I've had the bracelet since April 2011. She sent a rock, too. I wonder what happened to that?
I used to sneak rocks like that into my ex's briefcase or gifts to get rid of him.
I tried that trick with my high school sweetheart once. That infernal rock ended up in my other ex's car. I don't know how that happened. I outsmarted him, though, my witch friend spelled the alleged lucky coin that he pocketed. If he's not getting laid by hot chicks, he spent the thing.
Since that day, he has only been back once to talk about his lack of nooky. Actually, it wasn't a lack of nooky that posed the problem. It was the lack of nooky partners that understood him.
I haven't seen him in over two years, so maybe it worked?
Hmmmm......
I did a horribly bad thing today.
I broke the Wiccan Rede. I prayed a prayer for my friend so that he can find the one meant for him and have his happily ever after. The moon is waning, so it had to be a prayer to remove blocks to his perfect relationship.
You're not supposed to cast spells on other people. It wasn't a spell. It was a prayer to the Egyptian deities of love and devotion.
I don't know if I'm being bad or not.
The candle smells nice. It smells like Egyptian musk.
He doesn't believe in such stuff. But if a Victoria's Secret model starts stalking him in a good way, he should pay attention.
I feel guilty because I didn't think he loved me. I didn't see any hurry in getting the heck out of here because, quite honestly, I didn't think anyone would want me.
I haven't slept well in a little over two weeks, since he opened up about his feelings. I hurt horribly. I didn't know. I did a stupid thing. I promised to stay here until mid-March to help my ex get his finances straightened out. My witchy poo friends are casting banishing spells on my ex and his family because I'm not the person I used to be. Maybe he needs a model stalking him, too.
I feel incredibly guilty. I can't breathe when I see my friend's face or his name. I'm having a heck of a hard time going online.
I am asthmatic but I have never once had to use an inhaler....ever...I may need one now. Relaxation techniques work most of the time. I'm so stressed out, my body temperature has dropped and air actually feels cold to breathe.
I know....I know....I can hypnotize myself to fix that.
I should...
This stupid crying has got to flippin' stop.
I sob because I didn't listen to that ticking time bomb in my chest and had to listen to that supposedly smart thing that screws everything up.
So...with billions of people on the planet...I'm going to guess that I'm not the only one for my friend.
If I am...well...some crazy thing will happen that will make me be the kind of bad girl that I really want to be.
My ex will run off with a model and sign those papers -or- I'll find a winning lotto ticket on the ground and buy my friend his dream car.
I'm going to try to get five hours of sleep this evening. My conscience probably won't let me sleep.
I didn't know what else to do.
His happiness means more to me than my own. The guilt is not doing me any good. I'm not giving him a solid answer. A man deserves a solid answer from a woman in a negligee ready to be of service.
May he find her soon and keep all the sordid details happily to himself.
Love ya,
S.