Ceremonial Wine

Today I am thankful for ceremonial wine.

Friday night, around 10:00, the day and hour of Venus was at hand.  I did my ritual.  I prayed.  I asked for beauty.  I asked to get over my fear of sharing said beauty with one that finds me beautiful.  

I kneeled in front of the altar.

In my mind's eye, I saw a beach.  It looked like a local lake by my friend's house. 

Upon the water, I saw Aphrodite.  I saw Eros.  He's was pulling back the bow. 

Ouch!

I look in the lake.  I see my reflection. 

Who in the world is that?  My hair...it's....it's....brown!!!

I'm thinner.  I'm more toned. 

My skin is flawless. 

That's not me!!!

Who is that? 

I'm not alone. 

Who is behind me?

He's got the prettiest blue eyes.  I can see them reflected in the water. 

In my vision, I literally feel a man pull back my hair and kiss my neck. 

There is a pounding sense of desire emanating from my body.  

I'm feeling alive. 

I open my eyes and see the candles going nuts.  The flame is flickering fairly high.  Oh crap, it's going to hit some fabric I have set by the altar.  I stand up to adjust the fabric. 

I feel dizzy. 

My eyes start to go dark.

I found myself on the floor at midnight. 

That scared the holy hell out of me. 

I had a dream. 

It went like this....

It was a conversation.  I think I remember seeing Aries & Eros there.  I remember sitting by a burning fire.  I'm not sure if I remember a goddess.   I heard a melodic woman's voice, though.

"He loves you. 

He loves you even though you make him feel frustrated.

You prayed for equality. 

We sent you someone who would treat you as an equal. 

You ignored him. 

For over two years, you ignored him. 

We set you afire. 

You choose to ignore it. 

We sent you beauty. 

You choose to overeat and ruin our gifts. 

We sent you prosperity.

You squandered it.

Don't you see what you've done? 

You've allowed yourself to stay in limbo. 

He goes to those places he would share with you....

he goes alone. 

He's not supposed to go alone. 

He's supposed to be with you." 

Oh....

And, then, I hear Aries laughing at me. 

"You want the gifts of Aphrodite,

yet you like to fight wars. 

You like to go into battle all by yourself.

How is a man going to be with you if you are doing all of the fighting?

Do you think a self-respecting man would let you ruin your dress fighting his battles for him?

Stop it and let him be the man he is. 

He is naturally aggressive.

He is naturally strong. 

He is a man and you're forcing him to suppress who he is.

We didn't make him to be treated like that!!

Stop it.

Be the woman you are.

Let him be the man he is.

Here are some coins, go buy yourself a couple of new dresses."

Oh....

And, then, there was another more sweeter male voice. 

"When we send you a love,

you will treat him as a God. 

You will see him as a way to worship me. 

Do not give us more wine, unless you share that gift with him.

If you want the gift of beauty, you will share it.

If you want the gift of pleasure, you will share it.

If you want the gift of  love, you will share it. 

Some things multiply when they are given freely." 

I awoke and found myself on the floor around midnight.

My friend was on Facebook.  I think he was coyly trying to share his upset that he was somewhere without me. 

I honestly thought that he had met up with a special friend to share the weekend with. 

The emails he sent suggested that earlier in the week. 

But, I learned last night that this was not the case. 

I tried to communicate with him on my new Smartphone but I was still too tired to type. 

I ended up hunting for my laptop, so I could boot it up. 

While digging around, I found $60.00 beside the altar. 

I'm not joking. 

I found three twenty dollar bills. 

I'm not sure how the money got there.  It may have been what was left of my business account after I closed it a few years ago. 

So, today.....I'm going to go out and look for a couple of new dresses. 

Maybe, I'll consider making a change to my hair, too.   

*****

This morning was horrible.  I woke up and my ex ambushed me. 

One minute he hates me. 

the next minute his pants tent up and he starts to cry. 

I've got to move!!! 

I do not want to stay in this situation. 

My friend is right. 

I guess it is a choice to follow legal agreements. 

Legal agreements sometimes do not mesh with the law of the land. 

His name is on the Mortgage.  It is his house, too. 

I can't make him leave. 

I have to do it, don't I?

Staying here IS becoming incredibly costly. 

I'm not living in a fantasy world.

I see where I was a few years ago. 

I see what has happened to put me where I am now. 

I want to get back to the place I was a few years ago but have someone to share it with.

I want to go to all those places but have someone to share the experiences with. 

I want to kiss.

I want to hold hands. 

I want someone to torment under the tables of fancy restaurants.  

I want someone to take home for dessert.

I don't have that now. 

That's what is missing in my life. 

That's what I want.

I just can't figure out how to make the transition out of this mess into a new life due to the damage I sustained in the past two years. 

I guess I'm supposed to just jump right into this new life and see what happens. 

The stalking, thieving, lying, and other baloney will have to end sometime. 

Love ya,

S. 

Edit 'round midnight the next day:

I went to a consignment shop bought two dresses. 

One is a hot pink, designer, low cut dress.  It was on sale.  I scored it for $4.50.   It is a winter/early spring dress.  I can't wait to wear it.  It will look hot with one of my blazers.  

The other is a skirt set, both in peach.   The skirt is reversible, so one side is peach and the other is pink. 

The shirt is so sheer that people saw my  areolas, so I had to go to the mall for underwear before I could wear the shirt. 

I did and it was good.   

I also bought two negligees (one hot pink and one teal) and two pairs of matching racy undies.  I also scored black and gray lace undies, too.  

The clerk said he felt sinful ringing up those purchases.   He must've been new. 

They are HOT!

So....life is good now. 

I also bought some Egyptian Musk and soap.  The Musk is for my rituals to Isis and Osiris.  The soap....the soap is from Nigeria.  I have a hard time finding it. 

I blew through the $60.00.  I got quite a bit. 

Life is fun again. 

Sigh.....

I think I'll wash my new undies with cloves. 

That is supposed to give a lady a fun time. 

They say men who want you will jump on you if you wash your undies with cloves. 

I've never tried it. 

What the heck. 

If it works, I'll post the spell but omit the sordid details. 

Ex Men

Today I am thankful for Ex Men.

 

 

I give up. 

 

 

Men are driving me crazy. 

  

My crush doubly so. 

 

If he wants to get laid, why is he bringing the matter up on Facebook using innuendo. 

 

I'm a physical suggestible.  Innuendo won't work nearly as well and buying porn and telling me.....

"I want to DO that to YOU!" 

 

Sigh.....

 

I use innuendo to test the matter.  He ignores it.  He's not interested. 

 

He wasn't interested in watching me suck a round headed lollipop. 

He didn't want me mailing him a blue ribbon.

 

I figured it wasn't his type of thing. 

 

Please don't complain publicly about the road being closed. 

Call me.  Ask me.  Try to plant one on me. 

 

There's always next weekend.  I don't have b-day plans.


 

My crush used a football metaphor. 

So, the stalker ex spent the afternoon trying to explain football to me. 

Look, he's always around.  I may as well get some insight out of him. 

Yeah...I'm working on ditching him. 

 

My stalker ex told me about tight ends. 

 

Apparently, I'm not thinking the same thing he is when he says that phrase. 

 

He told me about defensive ends. 

 

Are there offensive ends? 

Trust me, they exist in real life.  That is why I carry air deodorizer.

 

 

Football reminds me of a gigantic orgy. 

 

You've got men climbing around, all over, and atop each other.

 

It's like a gay man's fantasy come true.

 

 

I don't understand football. 

 

 

I don't want to.

 

 

Football is the one thing separating the sexes. 

 

 

It ensures that men have time for male bonding. 

 

 

It gives me time away from men to shop for shoes. 

 

 

Men get football time. 

 

 

I get shoe time. 

 

 

It's all good. 

 

*****

 

 

One of my exes is a rancher. 

 

 

The other is a gardener. 

 

 

I should go bug them for a little while.  Heck, I could get them together and have a decent meal. 

 

 

Just teasing......

 

 

I know that I'd rather be alone. 

 

It's a good thing I'm on a diet. 

 

****

 

 

I'm looking for a job, a car, an apartment, and a new mediator.  I really don't have time for mind games. 

 

Now, if someone wants to help me christen my new office, apartment, or soon to be vehicle, that's okay by me.  

 

Love ya,

 

 

S. 


Edit:  I think I'm tired of this. 

Maybe romance isn't worth it unless I can find an emotional suggestible that I can actually communicate with. 




 

 

 

 



Admissions of Guilt

Today I think I am thankful for my ex's admissions of guilt.

So, my ex wants to stay married. 

The county court sent me a letter stating that if we don't come to an agreement by the end of September, they will throw out my divorce action and I will have to start over!

Damn them....

What is the judge trying to do?  Get me killed???!!!

I'll just mosey on over to Facebook and tell my Senator and Congressperson. 

They know me. 

They know about the stalking.

They believe the liberal divorce laws, the police state, and battered women shelters will keep me safe. 

My ass.....

Let's see what they have to say about learning the truth!!!

Can a judge do that? 

What will the Mayor do when my friends point out that the police knew I was being stalked yet did NOTHING? 

If I am murdered at this point in my life, it will be a major news story.  The Mayor and I used to argue at debates and in the papers.  It was funny the way the press pitted us against each other. 

It was a little unfortunate.  The mayor isn't exactly as out of touch as they portray him.  He had the right attitude about it.  Reporters are going to say what they are going to say.  Just look good for the cameras and be personable.  It worked for him.  He won the election!! 

I am a second amendment activist.  People know who I am.  They know that I say that criminals will not obey laws while average citizens, just like me, do.  I can't afford the taxes on gun ownership.  My stalker doesn't care about paying them.   Shannon has a gun.  I do not. 

I'd hate to die in order for people to finally understand my point. 

*****

What will the congress lady from the district over do when my friends point out that her antics cost me the ability to own a gun? 

She'd best pray that Shannon doesn't shoot me. 

I did what I could to stall the congress lady's recall bid.  I'm too busy dealing with the stalking to hold it off any longer.  I think my buddies are ready to go and I cannot stop them this time.  I'm too busy trying to deal with an ignorant court.  

I'm not sure I'd want to stop them now.  No one is looking out for the victims of crime. 

Maybe it is high time to fight back. 

*****

Why can't my ex and I come to an agreement? 

Well, first he won't communicate.  It is hard to come up with anything when one party sits there crying, fussing, and feeling sorry for himself.   

There are a couple of outstanding issues, too.   

At issue is that 60% of our retirement accounts are missing.  If I have to live in poverty, I could possibly deal with that.

The issue I can't cave on is my ex's demand that I cook dinner for him every Sunday night, every Christmas, and every Thanksgiving.  The mediator loved that idea.  I didn't.  It ended up in the agreement anyway. 

He also wants to pick the kids up from school every day and visit with them in our home.

He also says that I cannot have a new partner as per this agreement. 

That is where I draw the line.  He can suck rocks. 

Baloney, there is no divorce agreement that will force me to stay celibate for any ex. 

I think my ex is jealous of my friend.   He makes me feel loved.  When I think of him I swear that I feel and look ten years younger than usual.  I'm glowing.

I AM NOT going to give up this beautiful feeling for any idiotic ex.

I am NOT kidding. 

There are days when I think if I pretended to be having an affair, he'd divorce me without question. 

How does one fake an affair without risking another person to the whim and whimsy of a stalker?

I guess I could print off pictures of random strangers from other countries and spread them around the house to throw my ex off the trail. 

Yeah...yeah....me and....uh.....Raphael Roberto Chan are doing biblical things....yeah....yeah....that's the ticket!!

That probably won't fly very far, huh?

Besides, lying.....well lying is what pissed me off in the first place.  I probably shouldn't stoop to his level. 

The truth would hurt him much worse than the lie.  That said, it would be hard for he or members of his family to stalk a fictional character. 

Maybe he'll find a new woman and leave me alone. 

A girl can fantasize.

*****

My ex did it again.  He told me that he was my stalker.  Then he started crying and told me he lied. 

I am incredibly confused about everything. 

Yep, today my ex started screaming at me.  He told me that he put his sister up to the stalking.  He planned it.  He told her what to do and where I would be. 

He is my stalker yet he wants the court to allow him to see me almost every day??!!

Seriously???? 

I've got quite the reputation when it comes to local politics.  I should alert my activist buddies to the agreement.  Maybe I should post it to GoogleDrive, so anyone can read it.  That ought to light a fire under the judge. 

I'm trying to leave an abuser and court officials are trying to keep him in my life on a near full time basis!

If any idiotic judge puts me in danger and I survive, mark my words, I will embark on another campaign to get rid of members of the bench. 

I'm game. 

Love ya,

S.

Next Day Edit:  So, one of the kids is now lying about being sick in order to get out of class.  I picked her up from school today and took away her computer and tablet.  She's going to stay in bed...with books. 

I asked her father to move out of the house. 

Look, he's lying in front of the kids.  Then he admits to lying and says that he lies because, as he puts it "I want to believe the lies."

Then the kids lie. 

This is very bad. 

The worst manifestation of the lying is the stalking.  He told me that he lies to his mother and sister about me because the lies sound good. 

They allegedly harass me in public over the lies. 

I became scared when his sister started coming into the house with a key.  He did admit to mailing her a key but now says that he lied because I'm gullible enough to believe that he mailed her a key. 

I don't know.....is she breaking in the house or was she invited? 

I don't know....do I call the cops or not?

I need to get the divorce over with.  I need to get occupancy of the house and change the locks.  This time I'm buying bump free locks.  Shannon will never be able to come in again.  It will matter little whether or not he gave her a key.

I'm not sure how to get him to cooperate with mediation.  He'll agree to whatever the mediator says and then change the terms when we leave the office. 

Maybe I can leave the house for the weekend.  

I feel like I'm going insane. 

Honoring Asclepius

Today I am thankful for Asclepius. 

I owe money to starving children in the major metro area due to his intervention. 

My aunt had her third surgery in less than a week. 

Everyone was freaking out. 

They thought she was dying. 

They called Siegfred as a last resort. 

She couldn't move.  They said it would be a one hour surgery.  Six hours later, I get a call from another aunt freaking out. 

One hour after I lit the candle, I received word that she was okay.

*****

I had a cousin dying of cancer. 

I did a ritual to the son of Apollo. 

He was cured. 

He had stage four cancer that spread to various organs in his body.  They removed several lymph nodes.  He was told that he three months to live. 

He was thirty and had two daughters.  One was two at the time and the other was four.

Now, he's healthy and he's wasting his precious gift of life by running for office....as a Demoncrat! 

I still don't regret praying for him.   

*****

Last night, the Mormons in my family begged me to light a candle. 

I did. 

In my meditation, I saw the bones in my aunt's back stabilize. 

It was a miracle my family members said. 

In my meditation, I heard a voice directing me to give healthy food to the food bank in order to feed the starving children in my area. 

Apparently, no one donates fruit. 

Okay....I'll do that. 

*****

Of course, now I'm an evil heathen. 

Everyone wants to burn the witch until they need her to cast a spell for one of them!!! 

Love ya,

S. 

My New Diet

Today I am thankful for my new diet.

 

 

My clothes are falling off of me. 

 

 

My pants are sagging now.  My new rap star look is not intentional. 

 

 

Sadly, I think I'm only a C cup now. 

 

 

I'm losing weight!!! 

 

 

Hooray!!! 

How did I do it?

Well....

I've made some changes in my diet.   

 

I quit eating hot dogs, sausages and the like because they looked like things I missed. 

 

In fact, I gave up most meat. 

I stopped drinking milk for the same reason. 

I always equated tofu (the noun) with TO FU (the verb), so I gave up that white, fluffy goodness a while back.   

 

Now, I eschew soup and pineapple. 

  

Do you want to know why? 

You really don't. 
 

It's pretty disgusting. 

 

*****

 

Okay....here goes. 

Don't say that I did not warn you!!!
 

My ex made a comment the other day about how my presence makes his pants "soupy."

 

Yeah....you read that right. 

 

I make his pants "soupy." 

 

My appetite is gone.  No more potato, no more cream of mushroom and definitely...

 

no more cream of chicken. 

 

I wore out the later flavor years ago.

The only things I've been able to eat for about a week have been Goldfish crackers. 

Do not ruin that for me!!! 

Please!!!!

 

*****

 

Yesterday, I arrived home to find various bottles of pineapple soda on the kitchen table. 

 

Oh....okay. 

 

Then he goes on to tell me that he remembers a blog I kept over a decade ago. 

 

Oh....okay....

 

I have kept several over the years.

 

The he told me it was the one about sexual psychology.

 

Oh, I barely remember that. 

 

He then relates a post where I answer a man whose wife refuses to give him lip service because she did not like the way he tasted.  He, being a gentleman, wanted ideas on how to remedy the situation. 

 

I, and numerous other commentators, gave him various techniques to remedy that one.  One of the tips included a daily glass of pineapple juice.  It was NOT soda. 

Then we went on to talk about work related sex fantasies. 

I miss that blog. 

 

It had to come down when I became a conservative political figure. I tried to rescue the posts on the Way Back Machine to no avail. 

 

Such is the stuff of life. 

 

*****

 

I'm ill. 

 

I'm sick.

 

My skin is incredibly pale now.  It's got this nice little starving alabaster look to it now. 

 

Thanks to my EX! 

 

Oooooh! 

 

I think I have a permanent headache. 

 

*****

 

So...after all this, I gave him a dating psychology lesson. 

 

He's like a man afraid of commitment. 

 

You see, when he had someone willing to go all out for him, he became scared and ran off. 

 

When the woman finally takes the hint and leaves and finds another, hotter, and more amazing guy - the commitment chicken wants her back. 

 

I hypnotized myself to give him everything he wanted and he cast me aside like yesterday's garbage.  Worse, he did that after we got married and never remedied the situation. 

Don't give a woman a ring if all you want is for her to do is your laundry.  It's an expensive maid service. 

Now, if you want to do her in the laundry room....that's not so bad. 

At least a gentleman would mess up the sheets to give her something fun to think about when she reached for the bleach. 

That didn't happen here. 

 

Now that I have finally met someone that I desire, all of the sudden I'm a hot commodity. 

 

Hell...NO!

 

He needs to go back into therapy and remind himself while he hid away all those years. 

 

*****

 

It has been seven years since I've kissed a man. 

 

I'm a curious about what the experience is like. 

I think I forgot. 

 

The problem is that all this sex talk makes me want to grab my friend and give him really amazing kisses in several places. 

Once I verbalized that, my ex promised to knock it off. 

 

Damn straight....

 

What in the world is wrong with my life? 

I'm looking for an apartment. 

This blows. 

It is not what I want to blow. 

 

UGH!!! 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 

 



Joy In My Heart

Today I am thankful for the joy in my heart.

I'm worried that this could soon become a curse.

After spending Thursday evening with my friend, I have felt so much love.  I swear, my skin glows.  I feel beautiful.  I feel happy. 

I was cleaning out my car and realized why I broke out in a cold sweat the day we were together.  I have hypoglycemia and can't eat or drink large amounts of sugar. 

What I thought was a Diet Pepsi Max turned out to be a 20oz bottle of Regular Pepsi.  The bottles look the same to me!!!

I drank 10 oz of corn syrup!!  No wonder I was sick!

I still functioned and didn't go into sugar shock.  Or maybe nervousness and shakiness is my normal mode of behavior around my friend, so I didn't notice.

That certainly explains a lot.

Note to self: Never visit a vending machine without eyeglasses. 

Got it! 

*****

So....Steve has become the leading man in my dreams.  My last thought of the night is usually a prayer for his happiness.  My prayer for his happiness is the first coherent thought of the day. 

I think the girl is in love. 

For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful. 

I feel happy and I want to share that joy with everyone else. 

I even blog about it elsewhere on a daily basis.  It's a little affirmation blog. 

What's the problem, you ask?

Well.....

I realize that my ex's little passive aggressive crap, the arguing, the messes, the refusing to cooperate with me to finalize the divorce by arguing over details.....well...it is intended to keep me here a little longer. 

It is intended to keep me from forming a stronger connection with my friend. 

My ex is making a lot of promises that he will never keep.  He promises to go into therapy but he's never called a shrink.  He's promising to clean up his crap but he won't.  Hell, he's supposed to be moving out!

He's left me several times over the past fifteen years.  Each time he presents me with a list of things he'll do (e.g. get therapy, let me work, stop messing with the car, and so on).  Nothing ever comes of that list. 

He's doing that again.

This is bizarre.

When Steve left and I didn't think I'd ever see him again, my ex agreed to divorce me.  He agreed to sign the papers and get it over with.  He even told the judge that he needed to push this through.

Now that Steve has returned, my ex is dragging his feet and making overtures at me.

My ex started sleeping apart from me in 2001.  We haven't been together since 2008.  Why would he try to do this now?

He's had a lot of time to take care of whatever keeps him from me. 

*****

If I feel beautiful, if I feel sexy, if I exude joyful energy -

that came from Steve. 

Steve should be the benefactor of this, not my ex. 

This thought is causing me pain. 

I'm beginning to worry that I'll lose my friend and won't find a way out of this hell hole. 

That thought makes the depression start seeping in. 

I'm not sure that I can live this way.

*****

I don't know what to do. 

I went through my emails and saw that Steve had offered to take me camping on my birthday weekend.  Then I saw that he wrote that he sent the email by mistake.

Maybe that was an invite to someone else.

Usually, I wouldn't even consider going camping with a guy who I haven't had a sexual relationship with.  When you go camping with someone, they see you at your worst.  They see you with messy hair.  If they get too close, they can smell your morning breath.  They see you without make-up. 

It takes a little bit of time to get to that point. 

I remember during my party animal days, I literally slept with little wrapped pieces of gum tucked in my padded bra so NO ONE could smell my morning breath.  I used henna on my lashes, so I wouldn't have to put mascara on everyday and actually (embarrassingly) stained my cheeks and lips with beet juice, so I never needed lipstick or blush. 

Gosh, I was a vain little brat, wasn't I?  

Steve has actually seen me without make-up and he didn't gasp in horror.  He's seen me at my worst and just went with it.  My ex used to pick fights with me if he knew I were going somewhere Steve would be.  Those fights make me physically ill.  I dare admit to actually becoming so sick en route that I had to go wash the make-up off of my face in grocery store bathrooms. 

Steve has seen me a writhing, shaky mess.  It was okay.  He just let me sit silently and collect myself.

Maybe....this isn't such a bad thing. 

The camping trip is making me think about a couple of things. 

My birthdays have typically involved violent fights that cause me to run off and spend the day with my parents at their grave site.  I actually spent my 40th birthday hiding in my mini-van in a parking lot to avoid my ex's wrath.  He always wants the day to be special for me.  He never plans anything and gets violent due to the disappointment. 

I'd rather just not celebrate. 

It would be nice to share the day with my best friend. 

I am terrified that my leaving will cause my ex to be rude to the kids but maybe I do need to get away from the craziness and the pain. 

Maybe, I need to ignore the divorce agreements and move out.  The awkwardness is that we still cohabit.  Until there is a change in residential status, there will be little hope of moving on. 

I'm finding myself very confused right now.  If people only told the truth about what they wanted and what they expected, the world would make a heck of a lot more sense!

 

*****

Wouldn't it be lucky to find myself in a position where my best friend is a true love?

 I am almost in a place where I can find out.

Maybe the Gods are telling me to consider the gifts they send my way. 

I owe Eros a debt of thanks.   It is beautiful that such a man exists, even if he isn't with me. 

I find that to be a humbling thought, indeed. 

Love ya,

S.

Negativity Detox

Today I am thankful for sweat: I think it helps me detox from the negativity.

 

 

 

I couldn't sleep.  It was the full moon.  They say that people of Celtic descent cannot sleep during the full moon. 

 

I certainly could not. 

 

I tried to power nap.  It didn't work.

 

Exhausted, I drove an hour to the class remanded by the divorce court.  It was a class about setting boundaries with toxic people. 

 

I guess I need that.

 

I left the class two hours early and wound up at a political event I promised to take Steve.  He couldn't make it.  I sat there for about an hour before they took a break.  At this point, I had a somewhat friendly chat with school district employees before deciding to leave.

 

The district security guard is really on guard after the Georgia school shootings yesterday.  I think it hits home to her how tough her job can be.  That must have shaken her on some level; she was very alert.

 

The teachers are gung ho to try out a national database that is being sold to them as a time saver.  I lost rapport with them when I ask how they shared information about children's family situations.  I accused them of gossiping.  Trust me, that is how they do it.  If I had a nickel for every time a teacher tried to gossip to me about a neighbor, I'd buy you a Venti of anything you want over at Starbucks.  

 

I don't like gossip.  I don't listen to it.  But that gossip does color how some teachers treat children.  Once a kid has a label, it will stick.  It will stick longer if that label is in a database somewhere.

 

I left when there was still daylight, so I drove over to the cemetery.  I rarely get out to that side of town, so I thought I would visit my relatives while I was in the area.   I got lost and by the time I arrived, it had closed.  So, I ended up sitting in my car in a parking lot trying to decide what to do next.

 

I saw a text from Steve.  He was bored, at a bar, listening to his father's band.  There were only a handful of people in the audience.  I felt horrible.  There is nothing worse than performing for a sparse audience.  My natural instinct was to show up and listen.

 

I wanted to call Steve and ask to visit. 

 

The phone rang.  It was my ex.  It was twenty-four minutes of begging and pleading for me to stay with him. The conversation made my stomach hurt.  It made me break out into a cold sweat. 

 

I immediately felt guilty for wanting a divorce.  

 

He promised me the sun.  He promised me the moon.  He wants to do marital counseling.  He'll fix my car.  He'll clean up after himself.  He said he wanted me yet he hadn't touched me in years. 

 

I'll never understand.

 

I hung up and I felt sick.  I had already texted Steve suggesting that I wanted to visit with him. 

 

As soon as my ex hung up, I spoke to Steve and made an excuse to visit with him.

 

I was sweaty.  I was feeling sick.  I was holding in vomit. 

 

I saw him and immediately felt at ease. 

 

It took about thirty minutes before I stopped sweating and my stomach stopped churning.  I felt so much love radiating from him. 

 

Steve makes me feel beautiful even when I'm not at my best.

 

On the ride home, Steve told me about the wonderful things that happen in his life when he is fully present in his being.  Okay, I'll try that.  I'll try listening to my intuition and respecting every thought and feeling in my body before letting it pass. 

 

Okay....it didn't take very long to realize that I'm not quite ready for that.  When I did that around him, I felt a lot of love and sensuality.  I haven't felt that in years. 

 

It's awkward to feel that for your best friend when your ex is trying to explain fifteen years of a dead marriage by blaming his mother yet trying to convince you that he desires you.  When I think of that, my stomach hurts, I break out in a cold sweat, and I want to vomit.

 

When I came home, my ex and I spoke about his phone call.  In mediation, my ex wanted to spend Sunday dinner and holidays with the children and I, so he wouldn't feel alone.  The arbitrator put that in the agreement thinking my ex was incredibly healthy.

 

In private, my ex told me that he won't do things with the children and I if Steve is in my life. 

 

He said he'd only come around in a bid to get me back. 

 

Basically, he's jealous of Steve.  I felt guilty walking away because he was negatively comparing himself to what he thought I could have with Steve. 

 

You don't push love.  You're supposed to live in the moment.  It's like my ex is living way out in the future.  That makes this incredibly weird for me. 

 

I don't know what the future holds for my friend and I.  It's not right to assume.  You're supposed to let things happen organically and in it's own time.  Right?

 

I'm confused.

 

I tried to sleep last night and couldn't.  The energy is weird.

 

Thinking about my ex and his promises makes me sick to my stomach.  Maybe I should listen to that intuition. 

 

*****

 

A former love interest from high school wrote to tell me that he's worried about me because I've been so quiet.  He said that he was happy I finally filed for a divorce.  He told me that it was the right thing to do and he looks forward to seeing me have my sanity back.    I promised to take he and his lady love to dinner when my mental outlook improved.

 

As much as I adore this man, he doesn't hold a candle to Steve. 

Steve gets me.  I think he understands me.  I feel like my friendship with Steve has become a mini-Facebook soap opera.  A few months ago, people were asking if I was going to run off with him.  Now, everyone sees that we don't interact and they wonder why. 

 

We're reserved.  It's no one's business what we do. 

 

I will not make that man my rebound. 

 

I only spent an hour with my friend.  I spent two hours trying to talk with my ex and get to the bottom of what he wants.  Yet, I still managed to wake up feeling beautiful and happy. 

 

Then....the phone started ringing.

 

This morning was hellish. 

 

The day is going to suck. 

 

I have to file a motion with the court and pay the remaining fees.  I just received word that my aunt had fallen and broken her hip.   She was the one that took me in after my parents and grandmother died.  Then she abandoned me without a word.  I was sixteen.

I love her but I don't trust her. 

Our topics of conversation don't go much deeper than the philosophy of Battlestar Gallactica.  I think that the universe brought someone else in my life to have those conversations with.   I fear I will never see my aunt walking around again.  She just had back surgery, for the second time.  This really scares me. 

I'm feeling numb at this moment.  I just want to sit down and have a good cry. 

 

I have to plan a birthday party and may have to go to a wedding.  My ex hasn't told anyone he knows about the divorce.  I get invited to things from his friends and colleagues.  I really can't see myself going but I'll be here to  watch the kids so he can.

Weddings, parties, and other social events; those are things I'd like to invite my friend to but with my ex acting all crazy, I can't. 

I have asked my ex to write down what he wants.  I think it all distills down to a fear of abandonment.  If I could just get him to tell the truth, I think he'd see that, too.

 

I guess it is time for me to learn how to set boundaries with enmeshed people. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Awkwardness

Today I am thankful for recognizing the awkwardness of my marital status. 

 

Conversation with another parent at the local school while picking up the kids:

"How are you and Mike doing?" 

"We're getting divorced.  It should be final next month." 

"Oh".  He pauses.  We talk for a little bit about the kids and life.  Then he looks into my eyes and asks  "Do you want to go get dinner sometime?"

"I've met someone." 

He looks at me in stunned silence, like I'm a slut or something. 

Okay, then....I'm going to tell everyone that I am married until I'm divorced.   What is going on?  I gave the ring back twelve years ago. 

Why is it such a big issue now? 

Maybe it is my body language?  The way I dress?  Or is it just the general glow that I have because I am incredibly happy?  I don't know.  I do feel different. 

Conversation with salesman at the neighborhood liquor store:

"Can I help you?"

"Please, I've been asked to pick out a wedding gift but the wine they asked for is incredibly cheap.  I don't want to buy them a case or I'll look I'm calling the bride a lush." 

"Who is it for, my dear?" 

"Well"....I stammer...."my....my.... husband's boss. I don't want to be cheap and don't want to call anyone an alcoholic." 

 He helps me pick out two higher end bottles of wine.  He looks at me, takes a breath and asks "your husband's boss?"

"Yes."

I'll be incredibly embarrassed if he is someone that knows me, my ex or my friend. 

So....this is place where I find myself is incredibly weird and awkward.  I haven't ever dated, really.  I've had three relationships in my life and each one began shortly after the preceding one ended.

I've never had the lull before. There has been a lull here but I haven't been available to date pending the exit of this relationship.  

How else does one signal unavailability? 

I'll figure it out. 

I avoid eye contact with everyone. 

The last time I looked in some one's eyes for more than a few seconds, I started to fall in love. 

If I look at those blue eyes again for more than a few moments, I fear I'll lose my dress. 

So....

What to do? 

It's good to be introverted. 

I'll keep to myself for awhile and people will understand why. 

Love ya,

S.

Stability

Today I am thankful for stability.

Today I wanted to live like I took my power back. 

We haven't come to a property settlement yet, so my ex still has control of all the money. 

This is posing a problem but I can work around it. 

I'll just sell more of my stuff to live. 

I decided to look for a car today. 

I found a couple of possible vehicles. 

I'm staring at a mid nineties Honda Civic with 117K, a new tranny, timing belt, brakes and tires.

It's ugly as sin but runs like a dream.  He doesn't want too much for it (less than the my remaining musical instruments are worth).  If the mechanic likes it, it's mine.

If not....I'll keep looking.

As of today, I'm going to do what I want and see how it pans out. 

Ending this relationship has taken far too long. 

I'm still unsure whether or not my ex will do something to stop the divorce.  I'm going to have to get my hands dirty to get him to leave me alone.  I need to do something that will ruin me in his eyes.

Of course, with that thought, my dirty mind gets engaged and I start thinking like a nut job.  I won't type those things anymore. 

Acting like a nut job isn't really a good thing either.  I'll cut the crazy act.  I think that only serves to bring him closer. 

No more writing about doorknobs, eclairs, milk and straws. 

I've got much more important things to write about. 

And yeah....I'll stop pushing men away.   Maybe if I quit doing that, there will be no question that I'm over it.

I didn't want a relationship when I started "dating" my ex in '92.  I didn't want a relationship when I started "dating" the guy before that in '87'.   I think I attracted mean people to me because I was dripping negativity and pushing the nice ones away. 

I'll stop acting like that.  

Besides, men take me at face value.  Perhaps it is time to return the favor.

The last two relationships were both supposed to be rebound relationships.  I swear up and down that I won't have a rebound this time.  When I stop to think about it, I don't have rebound relationsips.   If my rebounds last 5+ years, are they really rebounds?  Maybe not....

I'll stop worrying about that, too. 

I'm just going to live one flippin' day at a time.  

Que sera sera....

Just because I don't know what is going to happen, doesn't mean that I can't read a book once in a while!! 

Did I ever tell you what object reminds me of men the most? 

Ooooh....the answer would make me sound like a nutjob. 

I'll tell you anyway. 

Children's touchy feel-ly books.  You know, those books ones that teach children the feel of different textures. 

You have pages describing soft, hard, smooth, rough, and so on. 

All you want to do is touch out of the sheer curiosity of it all. 

Sigh......

Okay, there will be NO more of that.

I swear, I'll try my darndest not to sound like a crazy cat anymore. 

I'll try!!!

Love ya,

S.

Doorknobs and Gas Fumes

 

 

Today I am thankful for doorknobs and gas fumes.

 

 

I had a bad day at mediation.  It was passive aggressive city.  My ex sat there crying and saying that he wanted me to have every little thing.  He wanted to argue about every little thing.  He said that I needed all the holidays because I'm the only one that celebrates them (NO!).  

 

After about an hour, I told the lawyer to type everything up like most couples do it and we'll go over it next week.  We'll split custody.  She'll figure out the assets and one of us is going to move out! 

 

I was tired of the game.  That plan sounds good to me.  

 

I couldn't take it anymore. 

 

I told him I want my car fixed or I would ask for the sportscar.   My old van has a massive gas leak which is worse when the weather hits 90 degrees. 

 

I can't drive it without getting sick.

 

I start getting dizzy. 

 

I get high. 

 

I get physically sick.

 

Then I get dirty!!! 

 

 

 

I was in rare form today.  I had to pull over and run into a hardware store to get some air. 

 

 

What had my attention? 

 

 

Doorknobs. 

 

 

Yep, you saw that right.  I like the sight of doorknobs. 

 

 

I noticed the ones with the rounded heads and how some of them had a little ridge underneath. 

 

 

It was neat. 

 

 

When I made it home, I saw that all of the woodworking projects that I took on had the exact same kind of knobs. 

 

 

I took on woodworking as a hobby because the word makes me blush. 

 

 

As a teen, it made me giggle when people asked me what I liked to do and I'd reply "fly fishing and woodworking."  If the guy turned red, I'd ask him out. 

 

 

I came home higher than a kite. 

 

 

The house smelled of gas fumes. 

 

 

I fainted. 

 

 

I found myself in my bed. 

 

 

I was asked what I was thinking about and I told my ex that I am thinking about the little ridge on the underside of all the knobs on the dressers.   I told him that I always liked that shape.  I always liked running my fingers slowly around the ridge around the doorknob. 

 

He can't walk well now. 

 

He was a gentleman -but- now, he says.....he wants to reconcile. 

 

 

Ugh!!! 

 

 

I asked what would happen if I got high enough to touch someone else I really loved, would the relationship be over in his mind. 

 

 

The answer was yes. 

 

 

Now, that I'm thinking a little bit clearer, I'm going to start looking for an apartment.  He's probably not going to leave the house. 

 

 

I realized that during mediation.  The agreement is what is going to be filed with the court.  There is no guarantee that he'll follow it at all. 

 

 

The government cannot truly mediate our dispute.  The government cannot dictate when this marriage is over nor can it dictate when it began.  Only we can do that. 

 

 

I think that is something my friend has been trying to explain to me for nearly three years.  Gosh darn it!!  I'm super slow!!! 

 

There is an answer.  

 

I'm gonna have to move out and I'm gonna have to move on. 

 

This is weird. 

 

I'm off to go to bed to dream of the taste of woodworking. 

 

I miss that!! 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 



A Fear Worse Than Death

 

 

Today I am thankful that I realized what I feared more than death. 

I used to make my living dealing with people who feared public speaking more than death. 

I love public speaking. 

It's fun. 

That doesn't scare me. 

I know what scares me. 

Love...

the real kind...

the kind of love that stupidity doesn't kill. 

The kind of love where talking fixes stupid ideas. 

The kind of love where thoughts of someone you care for makes you try to drink water so you don't end up six feet under when you're dehydrated and spinning around because you're so sick that you think you are going to die.   

Darn it...I had to get well to see him give a speech on Thursday night! 

*****

I meditate to Isis and Osiris twice a week.  Once on Mondays and again on Fridays. 

 

I always ask for the same thing. 

 

I always get the same answer. 

 

It started with a list. 

 

A list of qualities that I wanted in a partner. 

 

That was almost three years ago. 

 

I met him two months later. 

 

He glows. 

 

I swear, in my eyes, this man has an angelic cast about him. 

 

I know it's not real. 

 

It's just how I see him. 

 

I always thought that was weird.

 

He has every single quality on the list.  

 

This is not something I'm accustomed to; having a wish granted so perfectly and so swiftly.

 

Since the day I met him. 

 

I've prayed to Isis and Osiris and ask....

 

'are you sure?'

 

'Am I mistaken?' 

 

This is just too perfect.

 

Then I try to hide from him because I'm sure I'm mistaken. 

 

Every week, I get the same answer. 

 

He contacts me and treats me with love and respect. 

 

Even today...

 

even when I'm stupid....

 

he gets what I'm trying to say. 

 

Maybe I need to quit asking those questions. 

 

Maybe instead of

 

'are you sure?'
 

-and-
 

'are you sure I'm not spending time with the wrong guy thus stealing him from someone else and destroying your gift?'

 

I should ask

 

'how?'
 

-and-
 

'what do you want us to do together, if anything?'

 

I know this man wants to help people somehow. 

 

He's better than that list I wrote all those years ago.  We both have the same interests in politics, in psychology, in NLP, and in helping others see the light of who they are no matter their past circumstances.  We both want people to free themselves of inner and outer constraints. 

 

Maybe that is why we were thrown together.

 

I don't know yet. 

 

I meditated to those questions.

 

The answer I got was to trust, stop fighting everything, stop questioning everything, and just live in the moment. and stop throwing away the gifts the Gods send to us.

 

Then I hallucinated seeing an eye of Horus.  I'll have to meditate on that insight. 

 

Maybe it is okay and maybe everything is as it is supposed to be.

 

Of course, I had to ruin the sacredness by asking why it took so long to meet him.

 

The answer was that we wouldn't have appreciated the empathy that each of us have in our youth.  We had to grow in order to appreciate the gift of our friendship (or relationship...whatever this going to be). 

It's just super cool that such a man exists.  That, in and of itself, is amazing.  It's better than believing in unicorns, djinn, tomato fairies (an obscure anime reference), or Santa Claus

-because- this person is real! 

 

*****

 

I do know that the black cat that cries at my window during the rituals met me in the driveway at 7:00 this morning.  That is a little early.  I typically do my rituals at night. 

 

I think I'm getting predictable in my old age. 

 

That feline was certainly ready for the offering of fish. 

 

I think I'm becoming a cat person. 

 

I like lions. 

 

****



My ex was very kind to me when I was sick.

So I asked him what he wanted.

For hours and hours, we went round and round. 

He wants me. 

Someday he'll get therapy. 

Someday we'll get marital counseling. 

Then, I caught him in a lie about the stalking.   He knew Shannon tried to get into the house months before I knew it was her.  He said his therapist asked him to reconsider believing what I saw with my own eyes, so he quit therapy. 

Game over.  I didn't know for sure that it was Shannon until the funeral in January.  I suspected Shannon because the woman looked like our daughter (so I figured it was relative) but I was unsure.

My ex quit therapy last fall. 

I'm hoping the papers will be signed by 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. 

Wish me luck at the mediation session. 

All must be as it should be.   

Love ya,

S. 



Love, Friendship, and Sensual Pleasure

Today I am thankful for love, friendship, and the wish of sharing sensual pleasure. 

Holy crap...

I don't think my fever broke.  

I still have vertigo.  

I spent two or maybe three hours trying to talk to my ex about what he wanted.  That conversation is a road to nowhere.  

He wants me back -but- he knows he will hurt me. 

He says that I have to leave.  I'm not supposed to leave the house.  He won't leave until I make 40K a year.  That's a long shot.  I don't think it matters what a divorce decree says.  This is his territory.  I'm probably going to have to be the one to leave. 

The reason I worry about that is that should the courts dissolve our marriage on September 17th and I move on to being with someone I adore, 

I fear that the stalking will not stop if my ex doesn't think the relationship is over.  

Worse, my ex crawled into bed with me when I was sick on Saturday morning.  I think the last time we shared a bed was July 23, 2008.  That day, someone sent me a spooky necklace from a haunted house and I hallucinated seeing a mirage of an old friend standing by the bed.  I let out a scream and my ex came running up from his bedroom to be with me.  

Turns out, the person in the mirage send me an email at the very moment I let out the scream saying that he would visit me in August.  It was 4:00 a.m.   I still have that necklace, too.  No one wants it!  Not even the museum up north!  Drat!!! 

 

Anyway, that was the last time we shared a bed for any length of time.  

Yesterday, I was too sick to move.  He was a gentleman.  

I don't think my ex thinks it is over.  

I appreciate my ex's concern but maybe he doesn't want a divorce lawyer.  Maybe he wants a marriage counselor.  A counselor can help us end it. 

He doesn't want to go to counseling.  

I need to know what he wants so I can figure out what to do.  

We've been talking about divorcing since 2001.  We reconciled in 2004 and started talking about it again in April of 2007. 

This can hurt another person now.  

This is hurting me. 

I have a friend.  

I let those feelings go into the realm of love. 

I tried to hide it, yet I could not.  

I think he knew all along.  

Now, I'm fantasizing about sharing all sorts of fun pleasures that are completely inappropriate. 

I don't think I'm the only one thinking like that. 

I think my friend solved the logistical problem. 

My ex told me to go be with him -but- then started talking about how much he loves me. 

What in the world do I do? 

I know it is over.  

It has to be. 

Right? 

Vertigo is the conflict between the fear of falling and the desire to fall. - Salman Rushdie 

Maybe once the fever breaks and I can think again....maybe things will make sense. 

My world is still spinning. 

The first time I had vertigo was August 19, 2008.  I was standing next to Thomas.  He leaned towards me and whispered in my ear. 

He said 

"You're still pretty." 

I got sick right then and there.  It was like trying to stand still while wanting to fall into his arms.  He did hug me like he never wanted to let go.  I remember pulling away and hearing Tom say 

"Let me know what happens with that guy." 

I told him I would let him know -but- I never did.  I figure that the stalking is enough of a reminder that this guy is still around.   Tom and I will probably never speak to each other again.  I think I pissed him off the last time we met because I took too long in the bathroom.  Tom always acted bizarre when I took too long in the bathroom.  I'm wondering if another woman ditched him on a date.  

In my defense, my 5" heels got stuck in a rug.  It took a while to get unstuck without sitting in the mold on the floor. Such is life when you want to look nice in public.  

Next time...if there is a next time...I'll wear Crocs.  That man would never see me again. 

Seriously, though, vertigo is what I get when I try to stand strong but want to just let go and feel. 

I'm in love.  I doubt that it is right.  It causes my mind to swim around in circles while my body stands straight going nowhere. 

My fever is bringing on hallucinations.  The hallucinations are about my friend.  They are hot.  

How much of this sickness is the flu and how much of it is psychosomatic?  

Wow....just wow.. 

I'm off to try to get some sleep.  

Love ya, 

S. 

 

P.S.  My ex went to the store and bought me some flowers for my ritual to Isis and Osiris tomorrow. 

 

The flowers were tulips. 

 

When our sex life went to hell in 2000, after I found out that his mother was spreading lies that he told her, I began to use hypnosis to train myself to desire him. 

 

It took me a few years to develop the system.  We had a color and flower system.  Certain colors made me want certain things.  Certain flowers made me behave a certain way. 

 

If he brought me pink roses, I wanted hard sex.   I'd literally grab him and turn into a pig. 

 

If he presented me tulips (phonetically "two-lips"), I would go into trance, get on my knees, and give him head.

 

We had various plants and flowers that correlated with various types of sexual activity. 

 

There are a couple that make me orgasm without thought.  I have a hard time driving in the spring as these flowers are indigenous to the area in which I live.  This is why I wear sunglasses outdoors.  I can't see the colors through the lenses.

 

I will never go to a public garden with a man I've never screwed.  I'm not sure he'd understand the show.  Unless he reads this blog and I desire him, then I'd expect him to take notes.  I could see it now:

 

Note 11/12/13 - journal entry

 

Today I took Siegfred to the botanic gardens.  The lime green flowers by the fence make her fall to the ground, scream my name,  and writhe in ecstasy.  I've got to go back and get the name of the plant and fill the house with them!  

 

Oh, and I really enjoyed her reaction around the yellow tulips, they make her happy to see me!!!

 

I'm just teasing.  I'll tell you why later*. 

 

And, yeah...those guys that sell bad dating advice for men could make better money teaching women how to want it and guys how to tell women what they want and when.  I think my system worked well, until I wore him out.   Maybe his mommy didn't approve.

 

He wasn't getting a lot of sleep.  He smiled a lot.  Mommy won.  The fun died in 2007 after he went to a funeral and came home and called me Mrs. [Thomas's last name].  Never call me that. That was never my name.  That shall never be my name.  Those were fighting words. I guess my ex's last name wasn't good enough. 

 

So, to be a bitch.  I kept his name in the divorce!  My excuse is that I hate getting a new driver's license.  In reality, I'm just a brat. 

 

Ha!

 

Oh, I promised to tell why flowers won't do it for me anymore.  My hot, sexy, yet still married hypnotist buddy fixed me*.  Those commands are long gone!!  Thank goodness!! 

 

I'd rather have new ones anyway. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.