My New Diet

Today I am thankful for my new diet.

 

 

My clothes are falling off of me. 

 

 

My pants are sagging now.  My new rap star look is not intentional. 

 

 

Sadly, I think I'm only a C cup now. 

 

 

I'm losing weight!!! 

 

 

Hooray!!! 

How did I do it?

Well....

I've made some changes in my diet.   

 

I quit eating hot dogs, sausages and the like because they looked like things I missed. 

 

In fact, I gave up most meat. 

I stopped drinking milk for the same reason. 

I always equated tofu (the noun) with TO FU (the verb), so I gave up that white, fluffy goodness a while back.   

 

Now, I eschew soup and pineapple. 

  

Do you want to know why? 

You really don't. 
 

It's pretty disgusting. 

 

*****

 

Okay....here goes. 

Don't say that I did not warn you!!!
 

My ex made a comment the other day about how my presence makes his pants "soupy."

 

Yeah....you read that right. 

 

I make his pants "soupy." 

 

My appetite is gone.  No more potato, no more cream of mushroom and definitely...

 

no more cream of chicken. 

 

I wore out the later flavor years ago.

The only things I've been able to eat for about a week have been Goldfish crackers. 

Do not ruin that for me!!! 

Please!!!!

 

*****

 

Yesterday, I arrived home to find various bottles of pineapple soda on the kitchen table. 

 

Oh....okay. 

 

Then he goes on to tell me that he remembers a blog I kept over a decade ago. 

 

Oh....okay....

 

I have kept several over the years.

 

The he told me it was the one about sexual psychology.

 

Oh, I barely remember that. 

 

He then relates a post where I answer a man whose wife refuses to give him lip service because she did not like the way he tasted.  He, being a gentleman, wanted ideas on how to remedy the situation. 

 

I, and numerous other commentators, gave him various techniques to remedy that one.  One of the tips included a daily glass of pineapple juice.  It was NOT soda. 

Then we went on to talk about work related sex fantasies. 

I miss that blog. 

 

It had to come down when I became a conservative political figure. I tried to rescue the posts on the Way Back Machine to no avail. 

 

Such is the stuff of life. 

 

*****

 

I'm ill. 

 

I'm sick.

 

My skin is incredibly pale now.  It's got this nice little starving alabaster look to it now. 

 

Thanks to my EX! 

 

Oooooh! 

 

I think I have a permanent headache. 

 

*****

 

So...after all this, I gave him a dating psychology lesson. 

 

He's like a man afraid of commitment. 

 

You see, when he had someone willing to go all out for him, he became scared and ran off. 

 

When the woman finally takes the hint and leaves and finds another, hotter, and more amazing guy - the commitment chicken wants her back. 

 

I hypnotized myself to give him everything he wanted and he cast me aside like yesterday's garbage.  Worse, he did that after we got married and never remedied the situation. 

Don't give a woman a ring if all you want is for her to do is your laundry.  It's an expensive maid service. 

Now, if you want to do her in the laundry room....that's not so bad. 

At least a gentleman would mess up the sheets to give her something fun to think about when she reached for the bleach. 

That didn't happen here. 

 

Now that I have finally met someone that I desire, all of the sudden I'm a hot commodity. 

 

Hell...NO!

 

He needs to go back into therapy and remind himself while he hid away all those years. 

 

*****

 

It has been seven years since I've kissed a man. 

 

I'm a curious about what the experience is like. 

I think I forgot. 

 

The problem is that all this sex talk makes me want to grab my friend and give him really amazing kisses in several places. 

Once I verbalized that, my ex promised to knock it off. 

 

Damn straight....

 

What in the world is wrong with my life? 

I'm looking for an apartment. 

This blows. 

It is not what I want to blow. 

 

UGH!!! 

 

Love ya,

 

S.