Negativity Detox

Today I am thankful for sweat: I think it helps me detox from the negativity.

 

 

 

I couldn't sleep.  It was the full moon.  They say that people of Celtic descent cannot sleep during the full moon. 

 

I certainly could not. 

 

I tried to power nap.  It didn't work.

 

Exhausted, I drove an hour to the class remanded by the divorce court.  It was a class about setting boundaries with toxic people. 

 

I guess I need that.

 

I left the class two hours early and wound up at a political event I promised to take Steve.  He couldn't make it.  I sat there for about an hour before they took a break.  At this point, I had a somewhat friendly chat with school district employees before deciding to leave.

 

The district security guard is really on guard after the Georgia school shootings yesterday.  I think it hits home to her how tough her job can be.  That must have shaken her on some level; she was very alert.

 

The teachers are gung ho to try out a national database that is being sold to them as a time saver.  I lost rapport with them when I ask how they shared information about children's family situations.  I accused them of gossiping.  Trust me, that is how they do it.  If I had a nickel for every time a teacher tried to gossip to me about a neighbor, I'd buy you a Venti of anything you want over at Starbucks.  

 

I don't like gossip.  I don't listen to it.  But that gossip does color how some teachers treat children.  Once a kid has a label, it will stick.  It will stick longer if that label is in a database somewhere.

 

I left when there was still daylight, so I drove over to the cemetery.  I rarely get out to that side of town, so I thought I would visit my relatives while I was in the area.   I got lost and by the time I arrived, it had closed.  So, I ended up sitting in my car in a parking lot trying to decide what to do next.

 

I saw a text from Steve.  He was bored, at a bar, listening to his father's band.  There were only a handful of people in the audience.  I felt horrible.  There is nothing worse than performing for a sparse audience.  My natural instinct was to show up and listen.

 

I wanted to call Steve and ask to visit. 

 

The phone rang.  It was my ex.  It was twenty-four minutes of begging and pleading for me to stay with him. The conversation made my stomach hurt.  It made me break out into a cold sweat. 

 

I immediately felt guilty for wanting a divorce.  

 

He promised me the sun.  He promised me the moon.  He wants to do marital counseling.  He'll fix my car.  He'll clean up after himself.  He said he wanted me yet he hadn't touched me in years. 

 

I'll never understand.

 

I hung up and I felt sick.  I had already texted Steve suggesting that I wanted to visit with him. 

 

As soon as my ex hung up, I spoke to Steve and made an excuse to visit with him.

 

I was sweaty.  I was feeling sick.  I was holding in vomit. 

 

I saw him and immediately felt at ease. 

 

It took about thirty minutes before I stopped sweating and my stomach stopped churning.  I felt so much love radiating from him. 

 

Steve makes me feel beautiful even when I'm not at my best.

 

On the ride home, Steve told me about the wonderful things that happen in his life when he is fully present in his being.  Okay, I'll try that.  I'll try listening to my intuition and respecting every thought and feeling in my body before letting it pass. 

 

Okay....it didn't take very long to realize that I'm not quite ready for that.  When I did that around him, I felt a lot of love and sensuality.  I haven't felt that in years. 

 

It's awkward to feel that for your best friend when your ex is trying to explain fifteen years of a dead marriage by blaming his mother yet trying to convince you that he desires you.  When I think of that, my stomach hurts, I break out in a cold sweat, and I want to vomit.

 

When I came home, my ex and I spoke about his phone call.  In mediation, my ex wanted to spend Sunday dinner and holidays with the children and I, so he wouldn't feel alone.  The arbitrator put that in the agreement thinking my ex was incredibly healthy.

 

In private, my ex told me that he won't do things with the children and I if Steve is in my life. 

 

He said he'd only come around in a bid to get me back. 

 

Basically, he's jealous of Steve.  I felt guilty walking away because he was negatively comparing himself to what he thought I could have with Steve. 

 

You don't push love.  You're supposed to live in the moment.  It's like my ex is living way out in the future.  That makes this incredibly weird for me. 

 

I don't know what the future holds for my friend and I.  It's not right to assume.  You're supposed to let things happen organically and in it's own time.  Right?

 

I'm confused.

 

I tried to sleep last night and couldn't.  The energy is weird.

 

Thinking about my ex and his promises makes me sick to my stomach.  Maybe I should listen to that intuition. 

 

*****

 

A former love interest from high school wrote to tell me that he's worried about me because I've been so quiet.  He said that he was happy I finally filed for a divorce.  He told me that it was the right thing to do and he looks forward to seeing me have my sanity back.    I promised to take he and his lady love to dinner when my mental outlook improved.

 

As much as I adore this man, he doesn't hold a candle to Steve. 

Steve gets me.  I think he understands me.  I feel like my friendship with Steve has become a mini-Facebook soap opera.  A few months ago, people were asking if I was going to run off with him.  Now, everyone sees that we don't interact and they wonder why. 

 

We're reserved.  It's no one's business what we do. 

 

I will not make that man my rebound. 

 

I only spent an hour with my friend.  I spent two hours trying to talk with my ex and get to the bottom of what he wants.  Yet, I still managed to wake up feeling beautiful and happy. 

 

Then....the phone started ringing.

 

This morning was hellish. 

 

The day is going to suck. 

 

I have to file a motion with the court and pay the remaining fees.  I just received word that my aunt had fallen and broken her hip.   She was the one that took me in after my parents and grandmother died.  Then she abandoned me without a word.  I was sixteen.

I love her but I don't trust her. 

Our topics of conversation don't go much deeper than the philosophy of Battlestar Gallactica.  I think that the universe brought someone else in my life to have those conversations with.   I fear I will never see my aunt walking around again.  She just had back surgery, for the second time.  This really scares me. 

I'm feeling numb at this moment.  I just want to sit down and have a good cry. 

 

I have to plan a birthday party and may have to go to a wedding.  My ex hasn't told anyone he knows about the divorce.  I get invited to things from his friends and colleagues.  I really can't see myself going but I'll be here to  watch the kids so he can.

Weddings, parties, and other social events; those are things I'd like to invite my friend to but with my ex acting all crazy, I can't. 

I have asked my ex to write down what he wants.  I think it all distills down to a fear of abandonment.  If I could just get him to tell the truth, I think he'd see that, too.

 

I guess it is time for me to learn how to set boundaries with enmeshed people. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.