Full Moon on Saturday

Today I am thankful that I have my

sHit-List

and can laugh manically.

 

 

I feel like a fool. 

 

I feel like I did when the man I married as a teenager had a woman come looking for him on my days off when I was sick at home.  He'd beat me so he could spend the night somewhere else.  When I finally got sick of being put in the hospital I left my apartment and she immediately moved in. 

For many years, I still believed him when he denied the affair.  His mistress, now wife, had to explain it to me when she was complaining about him cheating on her.

 

 

I feel like I did when my ex-husband and I were trying to gain custody of my run-away, orphan sister.  While she was living with us, she started getting bizarre phone calls all hours of the day and night.  I had a guy friend of hers try to rape me (beat the shit out of him - you know, PTSD) and tell me that if I wanted custody of her, I had to pay him for his financial losses.  The Denver Department of Human Services gave him custody despite him having many dildos on display in the living room of his house.  For years, I had people calling me and harassing me because they thought she was a hooker.  She had her name slandered publicly.  She accused me of putting out fliers telling everyone she was a hooker.  Why would I do that?  That was weird.  Well.....after she and her alleged pimp threatened to kill me, I called the police.  They arrested her for drug distribution and prostitution. It took about twenty years for me to realize that she was a hooker.

 

I'm a little dense. 

 

When it comes to people I love, it's hard for me to see the truth of who they are.

 

I'm still a little bit troubled by Michael's call to a therapist.  He wants to "ask" his family to "back off" in a way that is "not too harsh." He also told her that there has never been a threat on my life (there have been two verbal threats and countless physical ones).  He said that he regretted cutting off from his family (which he really hadn't done).

 

That didn't bother me.

 

The latest discussion involves a garage door and keys. 

 

I couldn't get into the house easily.  The garage door is sticky.  Michael said that he had fixed it.

 

Since Michael's sister broke into the front door in 2012, I've never had a key to the new set of locks.  There were four made.  I never got one.  I waited for the divorce to be final and Michael to move out in the hopes of rekeying the locks myself. 

 

He never moved out. 

 

Since then, I have discovered damage to the door and door jam.  I have had bizarre people trying to get into my house (by pretending to be cable installers or insurance agents) and bang on the door shortly before engaging in property damage.

 

The back door lock was changed because someone left bloody underwear on the back porch.  It broke shortly afterwards.  Someone had done something to it and damaged the lock so it had to be replaced yet again. 

 

I woke up one morning to discover that the door was damaged.  The locks were immediately changed.

 

Little did I know that the keys were sitting next to the back door. Michael says they went missing years ago.  He doesn't seem concerned. 

 

You know....if someone is breaking into your house and your keys are going missing. It's a good idea to change the locks....again.

 

His lack of concern bothers me. 

 

His lack of dealing with the stalking bothers me.

 

The yelling.....the insanity....the picking on the kids when I am not home and the kids telling me that I need to move out because they are uncomfortable when I am in my house with their father.

 

I can't take it anymore. 

 

I have something up my sleeve.

 

I wish people would tell the truth. 

 

There are some things that once you see - you can't un-see.

 

I was a fool. 

 

I really was.

 

Love ya,

S.

 

 

 



Stupid Crap I Say

Today I am thankful for the insight that blurts out of my mouth when I'm incredibly pissed.

I wish I had time to explain what happened.

I guess I can. 

I was trying to talk to Michael about moving out. 

He decided to call a therapist and keep his promise to get help.

I overheard him tell the therapist that he just wants his family to "back off" and wants to find a way to let them know this without being too forceful about it.

He also told the person that there has never been a threat against my life (not true).

Okay.....

I want to be forceful about it. 

I confronted him.  He denied saying these things. 

He did something else that makes me believe he's asking his family to help harass me out of the house but I am not in a place to share that just yet. 

When I confronted him and he started being rude and lying to me, I started visualizing smacking some sense into him with a two by four.

That's when  I heard the following statement come out of my mouth. 

In the United States of America,  it is not socially acceptable to physically attack and beat up abusive assh0les: We typically call the police and let them do it for us. 

Oh my......

I think I'm a little sore about some of the shootings of minorities in my current town.

Love ya,

S.

Real Adventures (With Edit)

Today I am thankful for real adventures.

 

 

Sadly, it's the real adventures that you can't write about until enough time has passed that no one will kill you for writing about them.

I had a run in with someone who wanted me to break the law.  It's a stupid law.  It's a nonsensical law.

 

It's still breaking the law.  Two of my colleagues were arrested for breaking this law in the past couple of years. 

I found a way to skillfully maneuver around it.

I found how the government created this individual's desire to elicit my services to break the law.  It's a stupid reason.  They've set the man up to fail.  Even the most skilled hypnotist cannot help someone the government has put in its sights.

 

Let's just say that the government engages in abusive interrogation tactics of people who violate the most innocent of laws. 

 

A hypnotist may not be able to do anything without violating the law. An activist, on the other hand, can talk to lawmakers to expose the nastiness of the practice. 

 

I'll write about it after the statute of limitations for soliciting a hypnotist for such reasons expires. 

 

Let's just say that there is no real way one can tell a lie using electrodes or any other scientific measure....none at all.  At most, electrodes can measure nervousness. Liars, especially the mentally ill ones, won't break out into a sweat.

 

Interrogation is enough to cause the best of us to break out into a cold sweat.  Yes.....for the rest of us, people who aren't psychopathic such tests are usually utilized to scare an individual into revealing incriminating information. 

Contrary to the Constitution, it looks like the state government is using information gleened in these interrogation sessions to charge individuals with thought crimes. 

 

I have so much work to do. 

A hypnotist cannot help a victim being destroyed by a sociopathic organization.  An activist needs to change the sociopathic practice.

 

Thankfully, I have no records of this person's contact with me.  I'm not even sure of this person's true identity.  The stalker has scared me into changing phones anyway.  As of yesterday,I have a new flip phone....well, it's an older flip phone.  Maybe it'll stop the gps tracking.   

 

It could even be a member of Michael's family trying to play a joke on me.

Who knows....

 

I'll never know.

 

But at least I have another cause to pursue due to the research I've done about it.

 

 

*****

I am now receiving numerous silent calls on my insurance sales line, my cell phone and my hypnosis business line.  They typically happen on the weekends.

They last several minutes.  They come in clusters.  No information about the callers are available.  That's what I find weird.  The calls don't register on the phones. 

 

I think someone is calling to try to determine when I am home.  I'll typically answer my work numbers.  Thankfully, I'm busy and most calls go into voicemail so it'll be harder for someone to determine when I am not at home.

 

The last time these clusters of calls happened, I caught Mike's sister breaking into the house.

I've had many break ins over the past 24 years as I have had many hang up calls.  I am beginning to think they are related. 

 

Stay safe out there.

 

There certainly are a lot of sociopaths out there. Some of them are the organizations that we feed financially, too. 

 

Be careful when you vote. 

Love ya,

S.
Edit two days later:  This is weird.  It's fairly surreal.  I just received a text message from my mobile phone carrier (PTEL.COM).  They went out of business.  The phone records aren't on the website anymore.

The individual who contacted me in the hopes that I would tamper with a state witness doesn't have to worry about being tracked to me now.
As for me, I'm scrambling to port all the numbers as fast as I can. 

That could explain the crazy calls on my cell phone.  The carrier is caput - maybe they didn't take care of their end of the business in the last weeks they were around.  That could explain why I can't connect a phone number to the crazy messages. 

We'll see if the continue with my new carrier. 

 

Confusion

Today I am thankful....at least I think I am...because I don't have to speak.

Nothing makes sense in my home life.

Nothing makes sense at all.

I wanted to go to mediation because

- I wanted to define terms of repayment for the $10,000 Mike took after the divorce,

- to get my name off of the title of the van he needed after our divorce,

- to get my name off of the checking account he was supposed to turn over to me but continues to use,

- to define when and how he will move out of the house,

- to discuss if he wants to sign a Quit Claim Deed or allow me to move out of the house and sell it,

- to discuss child support and any changes that need to be made to the parenting agreement,

- to redistribute the tax credits (he has them all but is not working),

and

- to discuss alimony.

The deadline to discuss alimony and enter into an agreement was today. I did have a lawyer willing to help me last September but then Michael lost his job.  I put off that issue until now.

I did reach out to mediators in the past few months.  They contacted us yesterday to set up mediation.

He made nearly triple what I make.  If he expects me to stay in this house, I either need a third job or his financial help.

He lost his job three month ago.  I don't know where he is getting the money to buy all the stuff he is buying. 

I guess that doesn't matter.  I am trying to be kind.  I'm trying to be sensitive.  I'm trying to understand what in the world in going on.

I tried to talk to him to get a sense of what he wants.

He wants to live with me.

He doesn't want to work on the relationship.

If he doesn't do that, he can't give me what I've wanted for many years.

I can't live a life of perpetual celibacy.

I can't see other people so long as he's hanging out where I live.

There has to be a solution that will make everyone happy.

I just don't know what it is.

I don't know how to get him to understand how much this situation is hurting me.

While I was talking to him asking if he'd prefer mediation or for me to schedule a hearing, he printed off a form from the court house website. He just left to file a motion to extend the amount of time I have to ask for alimony to one month after he is employed.

That doesn't address anything else.

I need to know what to expect. 

Is he filing the motion to keep me quiet so he doesn't have to address anything else?

Am I supposed to feel gratitude?

I feel like crying.

*****

I don't know what to do.

I fear doing something that he doesn't like because I don't want the stalking to pick up.

I feel trapped and stuck.

I don't know if he is helping me - or not.

I'm confused.

*****

When I ask what he wants, I get mixed messages.

Several times in the past few weeks (even years), he told me that we were through.

Several times in the past two weeks, I asked him to put together a plan to move out.

He told me this morning that he lied when he said he didn't want to be with me.

I'm confused.

If he can't move out, then I should.

I asked if I should move out and he said 'no.' 

*****
His behavior is curious.

He's doing nice things for me.

He bought me a salad for lunch.

I'm scared to eat it.

It's not that I fear its poisoned or anything.  I fear that this salad will be used to take more from me.  If he does nice things for me, will it cost me in the long run?

I don't want to take his things.

I just want to know what to expect.

I want to have what I need to start my new life and continue to keep the promises I made to him in the divorce (stay in this house if the stalking stops), help the kids graduate here and get into college and that kind of thing.

I want to start directing my own life but it's hard to do that when your ex-husband is living in your home and directing what happens and when. 

I'm trying to remove myself from the control.

I'm having a tough time stating my case to my ex.

This is weird.

I pray I can figure out what to do soon.

I wish I knew what he wanted and what to do.

*****

I know this is a rambling post.  I guess I'm trying to make the most of the crazy place I am at.

My boss gave me Fridays off.  I didn't understand the wisdom of that until now.

I wanted to work the days my ex was supposed to be with the kids, so I'd be home for them at all other times.

I was working eleven and twelve hour days Friday through Monday

I spent the rest of the time hypnotizing people or sleeping.

This is my second Friday night at home working on meditation recordings and crying myself to sleep.

Then it hit me.....realization.....so big and bright it was like someone hit me on top of the head with a spotlight.

I only need alimony because I'm bending my life to fit my ex's life.

I'm working around his schedule....his needs....his desires....his plan (if he has one).

I took a job selling insurance so he didn't need to pay for COBRA.  I am trying to get my business off of the ground so I can rival his income and negate child support.

I'm living in an expensive house I don't want....in a place I am afraid to live....and driving a car that barely runs.

I gave up my favorite things.

I gave away my Steinberger.  I gave away my Peavey Unity Koa Wood Bass to a man he bullied.  I've given many things in my life away to make room for this person or to help him solve a problem he created.

I gave him my mini-van never getting to actually do anything fun in it.  I'll be paying for that darn car for many years. 

I gave myself away.

I am only a shadow of myself.

I had to give up so much of myself.  My last office was beautiful.  I loved it....there was so much nostalgia in the walls.

I left an office that had beautiful memories of my teenage years in it.  When I was in high school that office was a drug store that I would visit with my high school sweetheart.  He bought me a couple of stuffed animals there due to a dirty joke I made (rather lame and I'm too embarrassed to type it). 

Let's just say he spent far too much on them....

He presented them to me the day after my step-father's funeral.  He was trying to make me smile.

Every time I unlocked the door and entered into the waiting room, I remembered Tom.  I smiled.

I had to leave that office due to the stalking and the harassment I endured from Mike's family. I had planned to rent an apartment across the street after the divorce was final.  The apartment is above a Army Navy Surplus Store where another childhood friend and I used to visit.  I never dated Patrick despite him saving me from the angry farmer who would catch us cutting through his property or all the times he kept me company when the weather was cloudy.  He was six months younger than I...too young I thought at the time. 

He called me one night drunk to tell me that he wished he had married me.  I told him that he should count his blessings, I'm too obnoxious and disrespectful towards people who think they have authority.  That's when he said my rabble rousing always turned him on.   I think of him and smile.

He has three daughters.  They all have red hair and light skin just like I do.  I wonder what their mom looked like.

There is a park just a few blocks away where my friend Jim playfully pushed me in the water once because I had such a dirty mind.  He joked that I could wash the filth away.  Jim isn't into women and he's prettier than me, too.  When I was fifteen, I held out hope that he could change his mind.  Truth be told,  he's more beautiful now.  He does work for the TSA (which as a dyslexic who hates groping reminds me of T&A) so my politics collides with his job.  I don't think he can stand my rants against the police state.

That place was full of memories....wonderful happy memories and I choose to give it up due to the harassment and in a misguided effort to placate my ex-husband.

I was awarded the house and told to keep the kids here.

I never finished my Ph.D.  I was stalked in graduate school and my mentors thought it best that I leave until I sorted out the stalking.  I was never able to do so.

So many plans were abandoned.  I wanted to be a motivational speaker.  I met a handsome NLP trainer whose office was a block from mine.  Ah....I had to ignore how I felt due to my situation.  This man helped coach me when it came to public speaking and vocal artistry.  Sadly, despite his work with me, most of my speeches have been to argue with politicians and expose the things that they try to hide from the public.

This is not the life I wanted to live.

I'd say I'm not the person I want to be but, truth is, I have no clue who I am anymore.

I've let this situation take control of me.

Maybe instead of waiting around to begin my life until my ex-husband decides what he wants and leaves....maybe I should just get back to doing what I was doing before the stalking got bad.

Maybe.....just maybe.....I should go back to spending Fridays supporting my musician buddies.  Maybe I should be a cheerleader and invite hordes of people I know to pack their shows.  I can attend my friends' First Friday art shows and help them see that their works are valuable. 

I can sell the house and buy a decent car so I can drive my aunts to the grocery store. 

There are far too many things to do than sit here and cry.

If he wants to live here so badly, maybe I should look for a job far away.  There are residential counseling jobs I can do. 

Maybe I just need to think outside of the box.

If you made it this far, thanks for lending me your energy.  I guess I should give you something in return -

You are unique. 

You were put on this Earth for some unique reason - or unique purpose -  if you will.

If you don't know what that purpose is, try to find the fire in your veins. The place that burns with passion - the place that lifts you up on those days when you don't want to get out of bed - that's what you are here for.

Do that.

If you're still reading - I'll tell you about a blog I found that I read every day.

It is written by a former state congressman.  His first name is Ken.  His last name is a season.  I'm not going to tell you which one (you've only got four to choose from).  I don't want to make it too easy for you.

I had a friend mention him a few months ago.  He mentioned that he became ill after a bug bite and was paralyzed. He told me something about a book. 

I was told he has never lost his faith in life or love.

I had never met this man.  I wasn't sure why.  I Googled him and found that we have over 100 friends in common on Facebook.  I started to read what he wrote and decided to accept his invitation to subscribe to his blog.

Every day he posts one passage of scripture.  Then he writes about three pages of inspirational words that make me remember that life is a gift and that things happen for a reason.

Every day I have to read his postings no matter how tired I am.  I feel compelled to read it.

This man has voted on laws that have impacted my life greatly.  I think it is his sharing his perception of divine grace online - has probably impacted me more than anything else. I hope he gets to publish his insights. They are quite good. 

I think his lesson to me is that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes if you work to make the most of it, you'll uncover beauty like you've never known before.

May you find the beauty in the challenges presented to you. 

Sometimes challenges can help you find that fire that motivates you to find that which you were made to do. 

Love ya,

S.

Mediation

Today I am thankful for mediation.

My ex had a job interview today.

Hooray! 

It was a first interview, so I don't know how it went for him.

My deadline to file a court case for modification is Friday.  I need to do it today if possible.

I mentioned this to my ex.

I told him that I'd like him to come to an agreement about moving out.

He seems shocked.

I don't know why he'd be shocked.

He also said that he would only help with the kids if he lived here.  Um....no.  He has 50% custody, he'll get his chance to parent.  He doesn't have to live with me to do that.

He says that he's here to help me.  I asked him how he's helping me and didn't get a straight answer.

So.....

He's promising to go to court to file a motion to increase the amount of time I have to ask for alimony.

I can't do that.  It's been two years.

I told him that I'd like to know when he's going to move out, get permission to move of the city due to the stalking, have a payment plan in place for the $10,000 he took and get my name off of the mini-van and checking account.

He didn't think that was necessary. 

I think it is.  I fear what will happen if he gets in a crash or bounces a check.

He also promised to let me date other men.

I can't do that while he is here.

It feels creepy. 

I tried to explain how weird it was to have someone decide what you need without talking to you.

That smacks of control.  That smacks of narcissism. 

He says he doesn't know what to do.

I do.

Let's make an agreement and stick to it!

I can't live like this anymore.

I am alone.  I hide in my room.  I don't know what is going on.  I grind my teeth so much at night that I'm breaking my lower teeth despite wearing a custom made night guard.

I don't know why I feel guilty for asking for what I need.

I am afraid of every little knock on the door, ring of the telephone and strange sound outside of the house.

This is a weird situation.

I hope mediation works this time. 

It's a good thing that I see my therapist tomorrow.

Love ya,

S.

Social Media Manager

Today I am thankful for my social media manager; he may have found a way to prove who my stalker is.

 

 

 

I hired a man from Pakistan to be my social media manager.  He's in the process of rebuilding my neglected social media pages.  He's accepting the reviews so they can be shown to the public.  He's posting my content and dealing with the crap so I don't have to look at it anymore.

 

We had a little disagreement.  I want to use my business name to thwart the stalking.  He thinks that I need to use my real name. 

 

He argues that I am a public figure.  People will search me out using my name. 

 

Using my name brings out the stalker!

 

Well.....he showed me that the stalker is already making himself known. 

 

All I had to do was go to Facebook and search myself. 

 

It appears that a Libertarian Party affiliate published some of my articles in their newsletters after I left the party due to their mistreatment of a self-proclaimed Pagan.  I'm Pagan.

 

I'm more irritated that the Party Chair allowed a stupid wily party leader in Florida to send out a very public press release claiming that a self-proclaimed Pagan with his eye on a Senate seat was mentally ill. As a psychotherapist, this is where I drew the line.  If it hadn't gone viral, I would have stayed in the party.  If the Chair would have spoken up, I would have stayed.

Apparently the Libertarian Party gives covert approval to harassing people party leadership believes are mentally ill - and to do so in the press. 

We do not harass mentally ill people in the press.

 

At least, I won't hang out with people who are okay with harassing mentally ill people.  I won't hang out with non-licensed people that do the diagnosing in the press either.

Paganism isn't a form of mental illness.

Besides....I respect the interchange of political ideas.  Democrats can be liberal.  Conservatives can be conservative.  Anti-tax curmudgeons can be proud to be anti-tax curmudgeons.  We all have a voice. If we all get the chance to speak, society may end up where it needs to be.

I have absolutely no respect for people who resort to gossiping in the press in order to silence a political opponent.  That is why I left the Libertarian Party.

I complain when Democrats do it.  I laugh when Republicans do it.  I give up on Libertarians when the so-called Party of Principle does it. 

I don't need a party label to fight a war.

*****

 

I did find a bizarre thing as I searched Facebook.

Someone leaves comments on the posts about me.  I can't see the comments.  These postings were made the same time that Steve's girlfriend was bugging me on the phone.

 

Politicians and political people don't typically block their opponents.  We have a tendency to keep our friends close and our enemies closer.

 

My opponents are frenemies.  I respect them as people.  I'd give them the shirt of my back if their house burned down (may that never happen).  Politically I'll take them down if I feel they are harming others.

 

The only people I've blocked are Steve Y., Steve's fake name "Steve Hensen", Michael D. and their families. 

I'm going to ask my social media guy to make a second account to try to get the IPs of the person making the comments.

 

Steve Y (the friend I dated who broke up with me every two weeks to date young women) threatened to stalk me if I left him.  He tried to choke me.  I left due to his bragging about hanging out with other woman while I slept during a camping trip.  I'm scared of STDs.  If you're tapping other things, I don't want a thing to do with you.

 

Michael blames Steve every time someone bangs on the door and engages in property damage.

Twenty four years ago, Michael blamed my other exes.

Who knows?

 

The camera doesn't pick anything up.

 

Maybe I'm getting closer to finding out who is doing it.

 

If Steve is keeping his promise to ruin my reputation should I run for office, I'll publish hundreds of emails he sent to me - nasty, evil, threatening emails.
 

It's a good thing he doesn't live in the UK: The things he says in those emails can net him a five year prison sentence.

 

It's a dumb new law.  Emotional abusers can go to jail for taunting and threats.  I hope the English legislators understand how manipulative emotionally abusive people are.  The victims will be the ones going to jail because abusers can manipulate judges!

 

This is why I hesitate to take Michael to court without a lawyer.

 

The lawyers are afraid to touch the case. 

 

I may have to take out a home equity loan and hire my overpriced lawyer friend.  Nothing scares him.

 

He agreed to help for $3,000.

 

I don't have $3,000.

 

If I could get it, I'd fix my car.

 

*****

 

I think I'm getting closer to finding out who the a$$hat is.

 

Another issue is that my daughter is threatening to move out of the house if her father doesn't move.

 

He's pretty much taken control of everything.

 

No one knows what is going on.

 

He complained to her that he didn't know what was going on so he had to buy me a Christmas present.

 

I try talking to him and he ignores or yells at me.

 

Talking is a great way to figure out what is going on.

 

If I ask him to leave now that he is unemployed, I'm afraid the stalking will pick up because his family will be upset at me for being callous.

 

This was the same reasoning I used when he fell out of the back of a tractor trailer and had to have surgery.

 

I'm not sure if he is concocting these situations so he can stay. 

 

The subpoena I received from Ascension Insurance/Ascension Health gave me an idea here.

 

I'm wondering if I could subpoena his work records.  If I can prove that he quit his job on purpose rather than being fired, I'm sure a judge would let me remove him from the home without fear of paying him alimony.

I just want to know what is going on.

The craziness is starting to get to me.  My garage door opener doesn't work.  I'm getting numerous silent breathing type calls on my personal cell phone, psychotherapy office number and (get this) my insurance sales number!!!

I took the insurance job to hide from the crap. 

When I left work, I found my car door open.

I want to know who the heck is doing this.  I don't know which events are connected to the stalking but the fact of the matter is that I have caught Mike's relatives watching me and harassing me in public.  I've never understood why they are doing that.  I don't understand why Michael doesn't stop them

The fact that it is going on and has been allowed to continue since January of 1992 is enough for me to be pissed off about it.

I want to know who is behind it. 

I know that I will eventually find out.

 

Heaven help the person behind it.
 

 

Love ya,

S.

Edit:  I've decided that I don't care anymore.  Mike still lives here.  Mike has been lying to me about what is going on with the stalking.  He refuses to help me put a stop to it.  He refuses therapy.  He refuses to talk to me. He takes liberties with my home and my time.

He's pretty much the only person who knows where I work. 

I've decided to go back to court and risk paying alimony for my sanity.  I need to get him away from me.  The two breathing calls I received today sent me over the edge.

I don't know if those were from my stalker.  The fact that they scared me is enough to make me angry enough to get myself away from the situation. 

If the stalker wants a war - he's got it.

I wonder if he believes in demons? 

Rumor has it that I conjure demons to attack lying jerks -  just ask Steve.  I'm sorry.  That joke never gets old.  I'm sure that his rumor scared off many of his intended victims.  I guess on some level, I'm thankful that Steve let his crazy flag fly. 

People are strange.  Maybe it's a good thing I'm alone.

Love ya!