How to Handle Abusive Texts & Emails

Today I am thankful for realizing that if I were truly an obnoxious b!tch, I would have made a YouTube video of the texts and emails Steve had sent me throughout the past year. 

Apparently this is the in-vogue thing to do when someone wants to make their arguments with you public. 

I'm old.  I didn't know. 
It would seem to me that being emotionally abusive via electronic discourse could be an incredibly damaging thing to do in this day and age.      


I won't make those kind of videos. 
I'm too lazy.   


I also won't do that because I realize now that Steve is bipolar.  I had to get away from it to figure it out.  I shouldn't call someone out on his mental illness.  I may, however, take excerpts of our conversations and use them in a website discussing mental issues.  Steve will be anonymous.  I will have to wait many years before I will want to look at those damn things again. 

Okay.....okay.....there is a better way to deal with abusive and threatening texts, emails, Facebook posts, and phone calls.  The link I shared will take you to a website written for men in emotionally abusive relationships.  I find the advice to be sound for both women and men.  Just one word of caution; your abuser may run around playing the role of victim.  Do your best to ignore it.  Share your story.  Tell the truth.  NEVER cover or make excuses for the abuser.  Just don't let them trick you into reacting.  Part of their game is to provoke us into acting out of character.  If they get us to the point of being rude, yelling, or slamming doors.....they've proven us to be the crazy people they claim we are.

Why do they claim we are crazy?  It deflects responsibility for the problems away from them and on to us.  It frees them from introspection.  If they can get away with calling us crazy, they don't have to look at how their behavior created a messy relationship.   

Yeah....yeah....yeah......if a man claims that his two ex-wives are both narcissistic sociopaths think really hard before giving him a second date.  If he says that his marriages lasted less than a year and that he has revoked the parental rights for his former spouses so they can't see the kids.....pay the check and get the heck out of there.  I missed those red flags.  I only have myself to blame.  We do have to take responsibility for keeping our lives sane and sometimes that means keeping users and abusers out of it. 


I would say that the same goes for the guys. I'll add this one, too.  If your date is bragging about how she takes advantage of men she claims to have loved at some point in time, put on your track shoes and RUN!  

*****

Steve claimed to be seeing a therapist.  That is partly why I took him back.  He claims that he's seen shrinks for many years.  I am sure he's been diagnosed by now.  I am pretty upset that he never warned me about the diagnosis.  I didn't know what I was dealing with until it was too late.  If you have a mental illness, don't hide it from someone you asked to marry you.  Geesh!
*****

After talking to a sister diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on Thanksgiving, I realize that Steve is most likely bi-polar (aka manic depressive).   This could be why I put up with it for so long, too.  I grew up with this person and that experience probably acclimated me to some of the things that bi-polar people do. 

With bipolar disorder, the manic period can mimic narcissism.  The depressive period will usually cause a person to fall into a delusional thinking stream.   Steve seemed to have a five week cycle; three weeks manic and two weeks depressive. 

I don't know if I want to expound further about Steve.  I may.  I may not.  Just know....bipolar disorder explains EVERYTHING: the constant break-ups, him hitting on 25 year old women during our relationship, the paranoia, the substance abuse, the mind games, the constant attacks on my character, the forgetting what he had said and done and blaming me for all of our problems!  I hope he sees someone who can diagnose whether or not this is the issue.  Bipolar disorder is a heck of a lot easier to treat than a personality disorder.

I don't want to diagnose anyone.  I want to understand what happened and what I could have done differently.  Believing that his behavior stems from a disorder will help me forgive him for libeling me on the internet and recruiting third parties to play games with my time and energy.  He has an illness.  It is not an excuse to be an a-hole but it will help me understand how he's thinking and why he says the bizarre things he does.  It'll help me be more forgiving of his emotional abuse.  I won't necessarily allow myself to experience it again but I will understand its origin.  It may not be personal.  It could very well be born out of psychic pain. 

I won't be a total bitch. 

His behavior is really frustrating.


*****
I have a friend named Tony.  I've known Tony for seven years.  Tony and I had a deal that if we weren't married in 2017, we'd get hitched.

Tony saw Steve's Facebook post to my wall.  I told him that Steve claims that I have numerous boyfriends and "fuck buddies".  This caught his attention.  Tony now thinks Steve has hacked my account and he wants me to take my phone and laptop to the police.  Tony wants me to stop talking to him online because he fears what a jealous guy would do.  He expects me to communicate with him on the phone or in person. 


Tony lives 1,500 miles away.  He owns a coffee shop.  He hosts fiddle parties and country dances for a lot of the elderly people who live in the area.  He does not want trouble. 


I don't think Steve is a threat.  Steve's just trying to get my attention. 


Steve doesn't drive.  He lost his license.  How would he harass a guy so far away?  I don't know...I wonder if Tony has been on the receiving end of a psycho before.  I will honor his wishes.  I'm sure it will blow over soon.  If not, I'll just send him an invite to another social network site. 



I find it bizarre that one would want me to take everything to the police.  I have a real stalker.  My former in-laws would follow me around, harass my coworkers, try to break into the house, and put gps equipment on my car.....they are truly stalkers....the police wouldn't do anything to them.



I do not understand why Tony would think that the police would do anything to a guy who sends abusive emails, texts and Facebook posts.  In fact, it is questionable whether such behavior is actionable.  The Supreme Court has agreed to look at a case involving domestic abuse and Facebook in an effort to clarify what behavior, if any, is illegal.


I am a little bit pissed off because this puts me in mind of Shannon's stalking behavior.  Tony wanting me to change my behavior over Steve's garbage reminds me of how much of my life changed when Shannon was harassing me.  I am not happy with that. 


Every time Shannon would harass a coworker, a professor, a mentor, or a landlord - I would lose that contact.  I would lose the lease.  I would lose the job.  I would be asked to leave school. 


People don't want to deal with people who associate with crazies. 



This leads me to my point.....


Dysfunctional people will make you feel bad for abandoning them, not giving into their manipulations or enabling them.  They will get nasty, abusive and really rude.  They will put roadblocks in your way to keep you from leaving but don't let that dissuade you.

They will eventually find a new target. 


Giving into it will bring about many more years of misery.   Get help at the first red flag, even if that help is a visit to a therapist on your own. 


*****
I may write about what is going on with my ex-husband.  I can now see where the narcissistic diagnoses stems from.  In a nutshell, he has no empathy for the issues his family's stalking creates for me.  He doesn't understand.


I am stuck with him due to domestic theft.  He took the money I was awarded in the divorce and spent 50% of it.  I planned on using that to start my new life.  I feel stuck.  

I feel bizarre because I do a lot of crazy things for him just to keep the household running smoothly.  Today I have to buy license plate tags for the vehicle I gave him after we divorced.  It is a time drain.  I don't mind being helpful -but- I would like to know what his expectations are.  I justify it saying that it'll help the kids when they are with him. 

I tried to set down the law over the weekend.  I'll decide what to share later.  I don't think it went anywhere.  I think we need to see a counselor and a lawyer to try to move forward.  Narcissists don't want people to move forward. We can't afford not to move forward.

I am still trying to get the funds to get the house fixed up and ready to sell.  That is probably the only solution. 



I have to brainstorm a way out of this.  I did realize that the stalking will never really stop.  Even as we age, the stalking methods change.  When we were in our twenties, the main issue was being followed in cars and on foot.  Now, the harassment is more electronic.  I think the cost of gas makes following people in cars difficult and expensive.  Now, there is more electronic stalking.  There are more electronic threats.  There are weird gifts left on the porch.  The break-ins happen when they think I'm not home (like when I leave my phone at work).  It's not the same.  Technology has changed everything.  

I know that the stalking is about keeping me in my place and under his thumb.  I hate it. 


If I had any advice to a young person it would be to be yourself and don't let anyone change your path.  Don't make my mistakes and give in to abusive idiots just to keep the peace.  The day will come when the monster grows too big to manage.  

Other monsters will see what you put up with and try to come into your life, too.

Stay away from negativity so you do not attract more of it into your life! 




Love ya,

S. 


P.S.  Oh....I almost forgot.  This is IMPORTANT.  Never, ever follow my example and call an ex crazy....no matter how crazy he or she truly is.  The same goes for the words psycho and nutball. 


Don't do it. 

Why?

Because crazy people always project their craziness onto others.  They're not crazy.  You are.  I am.  The entire world is.  In their view, they are SANE.


Also, note that crazy people (ooops) will be vague when referring to their assertions that others are crazy.  The borderlines and narcissists will just say "she's crazy".   We can say "he's crazy because he claims the aliens from planet Xenon watched us have sex six months ago on a distant planet."

See?  We can define crazy.  People with delusion cannot.

That said....what do you say when those third parties invariably come around with tales of our perceived, vague, craziness that came from the abusive people we used to date?

You say something like....."I'm sad to hear that [name of person] is having such a hard time.  It's just that things didn't work out."

No explanation should be given because these third parties are probably emissaries of your ex.  It will get back to them.  Insane people are tough.  Angry insane people are impossible.

Okay....gotta go. 


I'm having nightmares of narcissists.  Maybe I'll share one in my next post.


Edit Circa 2021:  So, shortly after this post, I learned the guy who inspired it  is Borderline.  It's a so-called personality disorder borne from childhood neglect.  It mimics bi-polar disorder but also has components of self-harm and suicidal ideation. 

There was a time when he challenged me to guess his personality disorder diagnoses. This would be it.

Many therapists, including myself, do not believe it to be a personality disorder.  It is a form of CPTSD, in other words, Trauma.  It is more of an emotional dysregulation disorder than a non-treatable personality disorder. 

That said, this diagnosis is given to women more than men.  The advice about men running off at the first sign of trouble is good advice.  No one should ruin their lives trying to solve other people's issues. 

DBT is best tool to deal with BPD.  

At last count, I have 13 siblings.  We all had an abusive dad. I do have a sibling with BPD, too.  It gets better when they get away from the abusers. 

This man never got away from his.  

As far as my sibling, I've seen her beat the crap out of men and I've had to help get them away from her.  

It was never cheap for them. 

There was a high cost not only financially but in terms of lost time with their children and loss of self-esteem. 

Oh, the biggest warning sign of borderline personality disorder is they seem to be stuck on empathy, in that, they will accuse others of lacking it.  It doesn't matter how much love or empathy you give, it will never be enough as they have a bottomless pit due of need due to their difficult upbringings. 

If you and others are consistently bitched about based on a so-called lack of empathy (and you're not a narcissist) you may just have a person with borderline personality disorder on your hands.  They are also terrified of abandonment, so there is a tendency to cheat.  They'll also leave you and then panic when you actually go. 

If you find yourself in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who lies about you, likes to ridicule you publicly and make your life a living hell.  It may be worth seeing a therapist who can help you see through the web of deceit and make a game plan to salvage whatever you can of your life.    

When I think of people with these tendencies (or even real cluster B personality disorders), I think of a poisonous snake. 

You can't reason with a snake.  You can't change it's nature.  All you can do to protect yourself is to get away from the snake. 

It it strikes, you'll have to get away and get help neutralizing the venom they inflict. 

The best thing to do is to get away as soon as you can. 

That said - 

If you have this disorder, understand that it is not the lost cause too many people claim it to be.  Interview therapists.  Make sure they are licensed.  Make sure they understand the most recent research.  Do not see anyone who is not schooled in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). 

The DSM may say it's a personality disorder.  Try to find someone who understands its actual basis (emotional dysregulation based on childhood trauma).  

DBT is a therapeutic intervention based on mindfulness.  There are many good tools on Amazon. 

Finally, you have all the power in your life.  No one else can take that away from you nor can they fix you.  All the good things you'll do from this point forward will be solely due to your efforts. 

Please give yourself time to focus on YOU. It'll make all the difference in the world. 

Love ya, 

S.   

Conversations with Narcissists

Today I am thankful for those brave people who have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and are open enough to talking about it. 

My ex-husband has spent the past few weeks trying to explain controlling behavior to me.  I don't understand.  I really don't.  How can you call someone a bunch of names and expect them to hop in the sack with you?


Michael claims that it works because a woman will feel torn down and think that she cannot get anyone better than the guy emotionally abusing her.

It does seem counterproductive, to me.  I want to suck the rooster on the nice guy.  I want to hear him moan.  I want to hear a voice that doesn't make me cringe.  If you upset me and I pair the sound of your voice to emotional pain, I won't want to be near you intimately or otherwise.


So.....I still do not understand even after Michael so generously explained it to me. 


Luckily, in this field of work I can talk to a lot of people with NPD.  I can hear their stories about acting out, leaving a partner for a younger one, screwing that up and convincing the former partner one to take him or her back.

I lived this reality with Steve.  We broke up every three weeks.

I understand that on-again off-again relationships are common in NPD/Co-dependent pairings.

I'm not sure what I am dealing with. 



*****
The thing that throws me in dysfunctional relationship is my belief that love is unconditional.  I do understand that some people expect unconditional love but can only love conditionally.

I have always remedied this by loving difficult people at a distance. 

I want to understand more.  I want to process what I've dealt with over the past few years.


Steve was running around Facebook claiming that I was a narcissist.  I started there.  I wondered if this was projection.  I'm not the first woman he claimed was a narcissist.  I wanted to understand the disorder. 

*****


Well.....I met a woman with NPD.  For a cup of coffee, she gave me her insight. 


Now....I am not saying that Steve has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  I'm not believing that Mike has NPD.  I do see these traits in them.  I put up with these traits and they make my life a living heck.

I want to understand these behaviors so I do not put up with them again.

And her experience fits Steve far more than it fits Michael. Steve has said things to me in the past that mirrored what this woman, Carol, said to me.

*****
Carol spoke about how she always wants something out of her league.  She pursues it.  In her mind, the objects of her pursuit are never people, even if they are human beings.  These are not people, they are things.  They are mere objects to her. 

She has to become something other than herself to attain the object of her obsession.  She researches the other person.  She internalizes who they are.  She becomes who she believes she must be to reach her goal.  She is NOT real. This false self gives her confidence.  She likes being this new persona.

She realizes that the object she pursues is amazing.  She is in bliss when she finally has it.  Then she starts to become doubtful because she's smart enough to realize that nothing is perfect.  She worked so hard to attain what she has, too hard.  She doesn't deserve anything less than perfection.  She starts picking the object of her obsession apart. 

At this point, the façade of being fake is beginning to crack.  She is beginning to feel doubt that she can keep up the charade. 

She knows that she is perfect.  The relationship is not perfect.  The object is not perfect.

Thus, at this point, she realizes that she is too good for it and wants to do whatever necessary to get rid of it.  As she describes it, people and things become so devalued that she considers them to be garbage and she would do just about anything to dispose of it. 

Now....this is where I lose my sense of understanding....but she says that this is the point where she projects her faults, expectations, and problems on the object of her obsession.  If she feels a certain way, the object must feel that way, too.   If she is a liar, he becomes the liar.  If she is cheating, he is cheating. 


*****

I have spent the morning trying to digest this conversation.  I want to understand it.


I guess, in the future, if I have been celibate for six years and a man I meet claims to have been celibate for eight years, I need to run the other way. 


If I meet a man who claims that I am financially taking advantage of another human being, it means I need to keep him out of my financial agreements. 

If he claims that I am emotionally abusing his child, I guess that means I have to keep him away from children.

Thank goodness he didn't tell me that I put a live bomb in a public place! 


Oh...and if he tells me that he consistently goes for people and jobs out of his league, I need to pay attention to  that, too. 

*****

Oh, and Carol said that she always replaces her objects before discarding them with her projections.  I feel sorry for the young lady that called me the other night to tell me how Steve was hitting on her during our relationship.  She feared that he had posted naked pictures of her online.  It would seem that he did a fair bit more than hit on her if that was a valid fear on her part. 

I fear that she is my replacement. 


I tried to warn her. 
I hope she doesn't call me in tears in the coming weeks. 

******

If I find anymore nuggets of wisdom in the conversation with Carol, I'll share. 

It truly was eye opening. 


But....I do not know if it is narcissism that I am dealing with. 


*****
I do find myself suffering from cognitive dissonance.  The reality of my experience with Steve was quite different than the person that I thought he was.  It is hard to rectify the sensitive person he presented to me with the hyper-judgmental man he was. 

This is where I feel tripped up. 

I can handle being picked on.  I can handle people criticizing me.  I just....just.....well...the problem was that Steve would get a story in his head and attack me as though it were true.  Once he attacked me because he thought I couldn't say no.  Another time it was because he thought I called him a frog.

I don't know....they seem silly.   He seemed to lose his cool over the craziest of things. 

That is what smacks of narcissism. 

When he attacked, he was relentless.  I would get texts, emails and telephone calls.  Some of them would be threatening: he'd ask if I wanted him to kill himself or he'd threaten to stalk me.  Others would be vile: he'd call me a sociopath or some other name.

Those emails and texts made me hate checking my phone. 


This is what I am trying to reconcile.  I want to try to find out the truth of what happened. 

I cannot. 



That is what hurts.  I feel played.  I want to see that I was wrong.  It seems like the more people tell me what Steve did to them, the more I realize that I was blind to what he was doing.

He had a habit of attacking my friends. 


Why?  Why do people do that? 


I wish I understood. 

I guess that narcissists understand narcissistic behavior.  My brain wasn't built like that.  It is something that I can barely understand. 

I have been told many times to "not try to make sense out of nonsense."
I shouldn't.

Maybe I'll start writing about personality theory again.  It could simply be that I'm a Blue Introvert,   Steve is Green Introvert, and Michael is a Gold Extravert.  That could explain it all, too.   It could explain everything except the abusive emails, threatening texts, and stalking crap.   It could also explain why it bugs me, too. 

Maybe I'll post that in the next few days.


I just want to understand....

I probably won't. 







Love ya,

S. 

Livin' the Chaos Free Life

Today I am thankful for living the chaos free life.

Perhaps I am overstating this a little bit.  I had a chaos free day. 


I've been volunteering at the homeless shelter.  I was the babysitter.  Today the kids wanted to have a singing contest.  They all won. 


The children sing and dance like angels.  I love hearing them sing about being beautiful.  I love watching them sing and dance while pointing at other kids telling them that 'they are gold.'


Yes, I want them to know that they can fly. 


It is a beautiful experience.

*****


Let me tell you....


I didn't realize how difficult it was living with constant accusations until I didn't have to defend myself anymore. 


I like this life. 


I like being away from the chaos. 


It is a blessing. 

*****

I hate feeling like I am judging narcissists, bullies, psychopaths, sociopaths and other meanies.....the label doesn't matter, I guess.

What matters is how I feel around them. 


I can't stand walking around on eggshells worried about the impression that I am making. 


I can't stand worrying about my ugly car and how it makes people look when I drive them around in it.  It takes a lot of my time and energy. 


I wish I knew the magic trick to neutralize the criticism.  

I don't. 

*****

I do know how to get a timid child to sing louder and to know that her voice counts.  When she sings and dances to the song in her heart, she is truly showing the world her beauty. 


That is where I will spend as much time as I can.  I would prefer to build children up than allow an older person to tear me down. 

Life is good when I give.  It is in the giving that one truly gets something. 

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Love ya lots,

S.

Why Lovers Bully

Today I am thankful that I have more clarity on what was happening between Steve and I.

I'm not sure I have a lot of time to write about it today.

I'm not sure the issue is narcissism.  I do think it has more to do with childhood issues than a personality disorder. 


I'll try to come back to the post to clean it up.


Typically, Steve would send me nasty demanding emails, break up with me or complain after he had conversations with his mother.  They seem to be an enmeshed family.

Steve sent me several emails claiming that I didn't honor his requests.  When I asked him about it, he said he wrote those because his mother made him eat potatoes.

Yes...I know...one's mother cannot make anyone eat anything. 

I think most parents learn that lesson when they have a toddler in the house.  You can put something in their mouth but that doesn't mean they'll swallow.


It's the same with bullying.  People can bully us but we don't have to swallow.

 It is up to us to internalize their nastiness.  

I'll leave a link here for you to read.  If I have time I'll expound on it. 


*****

This is why I am not ready for a relationship.  Right now, my life is in turmoil.  I cannot take on another person's pain.  I can't.  I should not feel sad or guilty for walking away from emotional abuse. 

http://www.drtesta.com/book_excerpt.htm

When I read the first anecdote, I really feel that pain.  I feel like it would be impossible to please someone like Steve.  Nothing I did was good enough. 

The fact that he runs to his mother or Facebook with every complaint, it makes it hard for me to want to do anything for him.  I had to let go.  Even if it pains me, I need to stay away. 


I'm going to buy this book, too.   Maybe it'll save me pain in the future.

*****
So now the question becomes...... why did I tolerated the obnoxious behavior at all?  Why did I tolerate it from Michael?  Why did I tolerate it from Steve?

I'll have to do some soul searching there.  

Something within me made me leave.  I need to find that part of my persona and augment her.


Love ya,


S. 

Gossip

Today I am thankful for time to process heartache.

Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear their analysis. - Marshall Rosenberg

The problem, though, is that when everyone else hears that analysis, it causes problems in the real world. 

That analysis causes me pain. It causes my friends to analyze him. Men who see him write lies about me call me on the telephone and flirt with me. I wonder what he said about my religion. One of these guys is Pagan. I didn't know that. What on earth would compel one of our mutual friends to call just to announce his religion? 

I don't know.

Lies and accusations take a lot of time to sort through. It sucks my creativity away as I spend hours upon hours trying to reframe  and defend against the lies and accusations.  It doesn't matter if I love someone. If they are wasting my time and going out of their way to hurt me to get my attention, I have to walk away for my own sanity.

Especially now because I am in the process of trying to rebuild my life.   

I feel bad but it must be done.

I wish I could stop loving.

I need to stop loving.

I am truly believing that the best course of action is to stay with Michael until he finds another love.   It may be best for the kids.  The more time they have with him, the better.

I do not like being in the mother role.  He isn't taking care of the van I gave him.  I am finding myself waking up at 4:00 a.m. to drive him to work an hour away and come home to take the kids to school.  It is exhausting! 
*****

For the first time in my life, I feel unworthy of love. 

That's okay.

The sick part of feeling unworthy of love is that I have faith that the less prepared I am for love - the more apt I will be to find it.

*****

I want to heal.

I think that is what makes me so darn angry about Steve's post to my Facebook wall.

He wants me to "be done."

I don't know what "be done" means. 

I think that means that he wants me to stop writing about narcissistic style abuse. I can't do that. I have friends enduring stuff worse than I. I have to share. It helps them.

I think it will help me leave the situation at my house, too.

I can't stop.

I can't be done until I understand what went on.....

what is going on.....

and what I am doing to bring it into my life.  

I want to understand why Michael is still here without sex or kissing.

I wonder how to broach that topic. 

I wonder what strategies I need to employ to change my life in a manner that minimizes the hurt that other people experience.  

I need to know why Steve thinks everything I post is about him.

I need to understand why Steve (and men like him) go on the attack when they need something.

I need to understand why the Goddess brought Steve into my life at this point in time.

What is the lesson?

I want to know how I got knocked up while on the pill.

This was probably the last pregnancy I will ever have.

Why did it have to be so.....horrific....sickening....depressing.....and ugly?

I want to process that loss, too.

It was probably due to the radiation. Who in the world has 19 dental x-rays and forgets to ask the dentist for the radiation shield?

I feel very guilty.

I didn't know. 

My skin looked pretty! 

I couldn't eat real food without barfing.

I was late!

I should have known.

I didn't know until I held it. 

That broke my heart.

I am having a hard time smiling.

When I do, my teeth look pretty but that only makes me remember the cost of going to the dentist.

It's a shame it hurts too much to cry.

I spend a lot of time in meditation in front of my altar wondering why....

why are these things happening to me?

Why did this happen to Steve and I?

Why couldn't Steve and I just go to our true loves?

Why did we have to experience this pain?

Why?

******

On the bright side, he'll never know what happened to me.

At least....he was spared the most emotional part of the break-up. 

My friends are spared that knowledge, too. If Steve doesn't know, then he won't gossip about it.

That doesn't mean that I do not need to process it.

Love ya, 

S.

More Hacking ?

Well....today I am thankful that I can change all of my passwords on my Hotmail and MSN accounts. 

So....

I received a message from MSN stating that they were logging me out because my email had been accessed by another computer. 

How in the world does something like that happen?

I changed the password when Michael told me that Shannon helped him set up our computers back in 1998.  I really hadn't changed it until recently.


I had a lawyer tell me that he thought my ex and his family were hacking my email and reading our correspondence.  It did explain how he and his mother knew when I went to the doctor.  I'd set the appointments up via email. 


Steve sends me messages at that address.  He's a professional hacker.  He is the guy his clients call when they fire someone mean enough to change the passwords to the computers before they leave.   I thought he had integrity.  This would not be something I'd think he'd actually do.

This could be a coincidence, too.  I don't know.  I'm just going to be careful.  I'm going to document it, change my passwords and move on.  It is probably a good idea to change my passwords every month or so anyway. 


You know, I should probably take a class on email safety and internet encryption or something.  I AM a therapist.  I want my client emails to be hack-proof.  Maybe there is more that I can do.



This particular account is my social network/shopping email address.  My clients do not contact me here.  It's not really a big deal.  If anyone hacks it, all they'll see is that I like to buy sapphires, skirts and subscribe to marketing blogs.

That is probably why the passwords were not too hard to guess.

As far as I know, Steve didn't know these passwords.  He knew the password to my Paypal and Gmail accounts.  He helped me sign into those services so I could pay my landlord when she couldn't find the rental payments.  Those passwords have long been changed.  As far as I know, he never signed into the accounts.  I've never noticed a problem.  He doesn't seem to be a thief.  He just liked playing games with me to test my loyalty.








I changed all my passwords last year.  This email account had the same password as my Facebook account.

I am now off to change every single one of my passwords.

This is bizarre.

Hmmmm.......

*****



I haven't been home long enough to use my computer.  I hung out with my girlfriends yesterday.  They were asking me if I knew where my cute bass player friend lives.  Yes, I do but I'm not going to admit to that.  I've never been there.  Visiting him could have been awkward.  The only blonde thing I would want to touch was the fret board of his 5-string Fender.

They?  Well....they probably should tell him that they think he's hot.  He doesn't think anyone likes him.  It's a bass player thing.  There are a lot of jokes out there about how lead singers get the chicks and the bass players get Rosie. 

I haven't found that the truth in my life.  Guys like female bassists. 

Hmmmmm......Maybe not.....now that I think about it...the only people interested in me when I played in any musical group were lesbians.  The funny thing is that they were both drummers. 

Most of the guys I've dated were drummers, too.   Isn't that bizarre?    


I like my bass player buddy but he came on too strong.  It was too much at the wrong time.

Man....did he ever look hot in his kilt!  He almost rivaled Thomas!

Ah....I love a guy in a kilt.

I don't know why....but every man that has asked me out has been Scottish.  Maybe I drool and they know they have a shot with me.  I don't know....

My life is insane.


*****
 I am realizing that I suck at relationships and have too much empathy to put anyone through Hades and back. 




I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my love life.  Steve has me thinking about the joys of celibacy.  After what he put me through, the entire idea of love is really making me feel creeped out. 


In fact, every time I think of what Steve did on Tuesday, I feel like vomiting.  Maybe I can lose some weight?


It helps being positive.





*****


I woke up this morning and had the weirdest thought.

My life is a Lady Gaga song.

I had a very hot older Scorpio guy tell me that he saw what Steve was writing.  He wanted to take me out to show me how a man should treat a lady.  This man has been my friend for five years. We met in my hometown.  He was an accountant with an office close to mine.


This is a friend.

I can't do that to any man.


All I could think of is that my love is toxic.  My saliva must be poisonous to the psyches of men. 
I need to be alone.

Love ya,

S.

'Effin Facebook

Today I am thankful I can change my Facebook password. 

Wow.....it looks like someone may have hacked my account last August.   I do have an Android phone but I've have never been anywhere close to Texas.



I've seen some hacking on that website from a city 90 minutes away (in the area my in-laws live).  I've never been hacked out of state before.  The last time that happened, I was actually locked out of my account.  My ex called to tell me that my sister-in-law went to Twitter bragging about hanging out by my house.  It was crazy.

The cops told me to pretend to be out of town until things died down. 


Only Steve knew where I was.

This time, there were no bizarre things going on.  I didn't have to change my password or contact Facebook.  It went unnoticed.


Just in case it is notable, I thought I'd document it here. I should have documented it the last time it happened.


I hate that annoying website. 

I'm off to change my password.  I'm seriously thinking something like 'Back Off B1TCH!'


That one would be far too easy to guess.


I hope it is nothing but these days one can never be too sure. 



Love ya,

S.


Edit: I should say that I know exactly where I was on August 23 at 4:19 p.m.  I was stuck in traffic on the way to my office.  I had a 4:30 appointment.  I was freaking out about my daughter's birthday and not having a gift.  My Android phone was turned off because it was downloading weird stuff on it's own.  I replaced the phone four days later.

I don't know.  It may have been a fluke.  It may have been real.  I'll protect myself now.




P.S.  If you want to learn how to keep track of your Facebook log-ins, visit https://www.facebook.com/notes/facebook/staying-in-control-of-your-facebook-logins/389991097130

Last Accessed	August 23 at 4:19pm End Activity
Location	Houston, Texas, United States (Approximate)
Device Type	Facebook for Android on Android 4 

New Volunteer Job

Today I am thankful for something to do. 

I spoke to my friend who used to manage the homeless mission.  


I now have a volunteer job.  I babysit the children of homeless women on the days kids are not in school.  My teenager will accompany me so she can get some volunteer experience to put on her college applications. 

I start next week. 

I guess something good came from Steve's game.  I wouldn't have spoken to my friend if Steve's "girlfriend" hadn't called me pretending to be homeless. 

I'm not sure she's his girlfriend -but- I am pretty sure he put her up to calling me.  It's bizarre that the day she mentioned that he sent her rude and upsetting messages on Facebook and that she wanted me to look at his profile  - was the very day he harassed me on Facebook. 



I think she was trying to get me to unblock his profile by asking me to look for her naked pictures on his page.  When that didn't work, I believe that he posted a very nasty message to my page in the hopes I would unblock him and respond privately.  I didn't do either.  I blocked him for my sanity.


It's hard to believe those events were unrelated because they took place within a span of two hours.


.

I need to do less with Facebook.  I am now on a Facebookish website specifically designed for artists.  I am also on websites similar to Facebook for my political aspirations.  I think I am tired of dealing with jerks on Facebook.


As far as Steve, I'm not bitter.  I'm thankful. 

I also have another interview tomorrow morning.  It is another social service job.  I'm hopeful something will pan out soon. 

Life is good. 

Love ya,

S. 

Ignoring Negativity & Embracing Positivity (w/edit)

Today I am thankful that I gave up caring about toxic people. 



I'll let people be the people that they are. 


If they want to stalk, I don't care. 


I have my ccw. 


If they want to post crap to my Facebook page, I don't care. 


The people that know me tend to call them out on it before I see it. 


I don't care. 

I don't. 

People are going to do the dysfucktional stuff that they do. 

Who am I to stop them? 

My expectation is to stop worrying about weird stuff so I can be there for the people that need me. 



I am a little bit torn today. 


It's Tom's birthday.  He's the big 45! 

Woo hoo!  


Yeah.....

I don't know if I should bug him now that I know it was Steve that was trying to make contact with me.


Tom only contacts me when he is lonely, in pain, or has a broken leg because he did something incredibly brave (like jump out of a plane and freak out his friends and family).  I used to have a blog where I would post about my anxieties based on his Facebook posts.  I took it down when I ran for office.  Maybe I'll re-publish those.

I tried to be funny.  I tried.  It didn't stop the nightmares, though.

That is probably the real reason I couldn't be Tom's Facebook friend.  The man was giving me nightmares.....losing toes....breaking bones....he was scaring the heck out of his aging high school sweetheart.   


Man....if I would have married him....I would have died of a heart attack by now!!

He dodged a bullet.

Besides....deep down....I KNOW I wasn't what he wanted. 

He was a wonderful best friend. 
He is a great teacher....still. 
Back in the day, he used to serenade me with Howard Jones songs. 
The last time I saw him, he tried to ask me where I wanted to go.  I still don't know.  I want to go somewhere peaceful and loving.  I want away from politics.  I want to feel free!

I was going to wish him a happy birthday just to give him an IN if it were he who sent the bizarre app requests. 

It wasn't him.  It was Steve.  I guess I don't have to worry anymore. 

I only dated a handful of men in my entire life.  I can pretty much figure out who is trying to get my attention.


But now.....I fear that if I kept my promise to send him a card....I'd just wind up annoying him. 

I ask myself....

What if he has found the love of his life? 

What if that person would be incredibly jealous?

What if I get him into trouble?

Then on the flip side, I ask....

What if he is alone?
What if he is bored?
What if he needs a friend?
What if he needs a kidney?


So....I don't know.....I have faith his hotness will find a real love.  He's nice.  He doesn't hit.  He doesn't menace.  I'm going to err on the side of caution. 

I'll leave him alone. 

*****

I was at a Kroger's in our home town sometime last year and swore I saw a guy that looked just like Tom buying a watermelon. 

Weird, eh? 

But....I was distracted.  A fireman was flirting with me.  The fireman called me beautiful.  I have to say.....I have a thing for firemen.  I stayed and spoke to him rather than find out if the guy at the register was my old friend.



My high school sweetheart is the standard by which I judge men. 


But Firemen have zing! 

My daddy was a fireman.  That's the problem.  My dad is probably the real standard by which I judge men. 
That's a bizarre contradiction, isn't it?

I think I was attracted to Steve because he looked like my dad. 


*****

My biggest wish for Tom is his happiness. 



The last time I visited with him, I was being harassed by my in-laws.  He was eating pizza.  They watched from another table in the restaurant.  I stared at them because they looked familiar but I couldn't place them.  Tom gently kicked me to get my attention!  I miss his playfulness. 

Tom eating pizza always turned me on.  I love it when he looks all lumberjack like.  IT guys who don't shave can be incredibly hot, especially eating triangular thingys.


But.....*red alert*....I'm not his type. 

Yes, I DO drink a lot of iced drinks around him....he buys them for me.  I probably don't drool as much when I'm sucking on a straw. 

Yeah.....

I don't know if I could ever say hello to him again....my ex-husband is incredibly jealous of Tom.  I should stay away. 

It seems like drama follows me when I visit him.


I mean that quite literally.

Maybe I'll just light a candle for him and pray his God grants him his biggest wish. 


Besides, he's not shy.  If he needed me, for a kidney or something, I'm sure he'd call. 


I sure hope....he has everything his heart desires. 

*****
I loved Steve.  He seemed to have all the positive qualities Tom had.  He was in IT.  He seemed smart.  He seemed to have empathy.  He seemed to be artistic.  He seemed to have integrity.

After all those emails and messages, I don't know who he is anymore.


Maybe he does have integrity....when he's not drinking....or lying....or threatening.....or cheating with 25 year old girls....or asking them to harass me on the phone. 


For the longest time I was torn.  Was he narcissistic and paranoid because he was drunk?  Now, after dealing with the aftermath of our relationship, I am beginning to believe that he drinks because he is narcissistic.


I'm sad. 


It's okay.  I'll be kind to the people in my past who have been kind to me.  I'll be kind to most people until they give me a reason to be ambivalent.  I guess it is time for me to be ambivalent towards Steve.

Love ya,

S. 


P.S.  I may update this later. 

Life is unfolding for me in a rather bizarre way.  I can't make heads or tails out of things. 

I can't. 


Maybe I'll go to sleep and meditate on everything. 

Steve is Spying (w/edit)

Today I am thankful that I figured out why I was getting calls from a young woman claiming to be homeless and in need my help; the last time she called me she began by 
gossiping about Steve and asking me to look at his Facebook page.

Steve was using her to try to get my attention.
She wasn't the first person to contact me Steve's behalf.
She wasn't the last, either. 


*****
I hate Facebook.
Some people live by it.  I used to make my living with it but then I became politically active and attracted all sorts of bizarre people into my life.
*****


My ex-husband made a post about a man who was dating our daughter.  This man is from Texas.  He's 25.  He thinks I'm a cougar and he thought I would sleep with him.  I called him a clown.



Uh.....good mothers don't sleep with people who date their daughters.

That was.....well...kinda creepy.

This was the guy who lied to the cops and got my daughter arrested.

Last night, my ex-husband wrote:


Most women are afraid of clowns but somehow, miraculously, end up dating one. 


I shared it so that we could show some solidarity towards our daughter.



*****


Well.....within minutes.....Steve posted to my wall.  He had set up a fake Facebook account. He wrote:


Steve *o*n*: Stop insulting me. Tell me what you want me to do with your stuff WITHOUT the damn drama, and be done. Stop spying on me and be done." 
This is my response.  I kept it public just in case his mother sees it.  When we dated, she wanted to get him help for what she thought was paranoia.  I didn't see the signs at the time.  I do now.  Maybe.....just maybe.....there is a sliver of a chance she'll get him an appointment with a psychiatrist. I buried my response deep in the post.  I doubt many people have seen it. 




Steve *o*n*,  I think I know who you are.  I am not spying on you.  I had to block your profile when you started lying about me.  I blocked your phone numbers when you sent me several threatening texts.  I blocked your emails when you blew up my inboxes with insane accusations.  I thought that would spell the end of things, especially after 78 days of no contact.

Then....people I thought were my friends started contacting me on your behalf with the bizarre things you were saying about me.   The calls and messages from third parties are ongoing.
Just mail me my books if you feel the need to do that.
Please.....at this point, I am beginning to feel afraid of you.  If you're making up fake profiles to harass me, that is scary stuff.
I don't talk about you.  I don't really write about you.  I don't look at your social networking profiles (and blocked you everywhere because your face makes me cry).    Please....get help. I do NOT work for the CIA.  I do NOT watch you at work.  I do NOT watch you at home.  I avoid you for my sanity.  I do everything I can to avoid remembering all the heck I endured from you over the past 3.5 years.
I tried to be your friend.  I tried to include you in my activist activities just like you wanted.  I just can't deal with the lies, the accusations and the games.  I don't know how to fix it.  I'm sorry.....
A real friend would beg you to get help.  I'm begging you to do that.  That help won't work unless you take responsibility for the things you have done and are doing. 
Take care and best wishes for your happiness. Life is brighter without the bottle.  Trust me....

P.S.  Please tell your mother what you told me about the CIA and believing that I am spying on you now.  I know she loves you.  I know she will help you and support you through this trial. 

*****Sigh.....

I don't know.  My ex asked if he could stay.  I don't see why not. 

I think having a man live here will keep other creepy men away.  I can only handle one stalker at a time.  Shannon was first in line.

I think I'll change my phone numbers again.  If that doesn't stop things, I may talk to a lawyer about a restraining order.  I can't do this anymore.  I would talk to him if he sought treatment but, right now, I just can't handle the drama, the lies and the accusations.

And.....sadly....this morning, I received a call from someone claiming that Steve is lying about me on Facebook again.  I don't want to hear about it. Before he could tell me what Steve wrote, I asked him if Steve used my name.  He had not.  I told the caller that so much time has passed since we broke up that I doubt anyone truly believes that Steve is writing about me.

I told him to let it go. 


I hope it stays away. 

I've had enough.  Life is too short to let people waste your time with pointless drama. 

Love ya,

S.



Edit:  I keep replaying my final conversation with that young lady in my mind. She called me right before Steve went nuts on my Facebook page.

The first words out of her mouth were....

"There is this guy....Steve Y0*ng....who claims I sent him naked pictures.  He's posted them online"


Before it registered to me who it was....I told her to call the police in her jurisdiction.


She declined.  She wanted me to look him up.  She wanted to know if I could click the link and see them. 


I can't.  I blocked his page.  I have absolutely no intention of unblocking him. If I do that, I'll have to endure 48 hours of abusive emails and posts. 

Stalker Mike clicked the link and laughed.  At this point, it dawned on me that Steve must've written a .php script to collect the Facebook Accounts of the people who clicked.




I asked her how she knew Steve.  She said that he was sending her messages over the past year.  He was hitting on her and telling her that no one else cared for her except him.   She said that he promised to help her with her situation.  She claims that Steve is not her Facebook friend.  She claims that they have never met in real life, yet she described him quite well. 

I thought I'd document this.  I don't know exactly what is going on.  I just think that Steve chose me because I was being stalked.  He did that because I was vulnerable and he knew that if he got caught playing crazy games with me, no one would believe me.

I think he chose this young lady for the same reasons.  She is in trouble.  This is a situation he could easily exploit.



This young woman told me that Steve was hitting on her during our relationship.  Steve was telling me that he wanted to be with a much younger woman.  I believe her.




I was not jealous.  I was concerned for her.  She claims to be homeless.  He has an apartment.  He can be aggressive and rapey....I mean....it seems like trouble brewing.




I told her that he needs help.  He has delusions and he tends to share on Facebook.  I asked her to be careful. 




This is about the time Steve made the fake account and went ballistic on my page.  I am beginning to wonder if Steve wasn't eavesdropping on those calls I had with her.  I was on the phone with her on average of three hours a week. 



I guess I cannot speak to either one of them again.  Wow....what kind of people have time for these kind of things?




I feel angry and hurt.


I'm feeling played.




That young lady was trying to get me to click that link!! 

Steve sure seems to think I did.

I'm fairly sure he put her up to calling me.

I wonder.....why would he need me to click that link?

*****


Gosh....it sure sucks when you stop trusting people you once loved.


These are games.

They are contrived.

They waste my time.

I don't know if I care enough to ever speak to him again. 

It is leaving a horrible taste in my mouth. 

Anytime someone conspires to play a joke on me, I refer to it as White Trash Theater.

I hate that game. 

I do not understand why a man would have his new love interest bother me.  If it were me?  I'd spend my time making love to her.....now war with my ex.

I'll never understand people who play mind games.  They seem counter-productive. 






I am beginning to feel repulsed by his memory.  I wish he knew how sick his mind games truly are.

Love ya,

S.

My Competition

Only our best friends and greatest teachers will have the courage to say those uncomfortable things to help us get out of the mud and back on our paths. 


Today I am thankful for my competition.

I love being a hypnotist because I have the most wonderful colleagues in the world.


I bought a refresher Stop Smoking Hypnosis Course from another hypnotist trainer.  I bought it because I'm too lazy to create my own business forms.  It comes with the forms. 


Usually, I can't read anything this man writes without learning something new.  I figured that I couldn't go wrong investing in his products. 

I received the package yesterday.  It was supposed to contain four CDs.

I received five. 


Do you want to guess what the fifth one was? 


It was a hypnosis session entitled "Overcome Your Lost Love."


I'm a little bit tickled at that discovery.

This is perfect!!!


I love this guy's voice.  




This is the most perfect gift for me at this point in my life!! 


Okay.....okay.....I guess people are a little bit tired of my crying over Steve and Michael.  I have been a no show at events.  I've failed to go to conventions.  I've failed to submit articles.  I stopped posting YouTube videos.  I stopped posting to forums. I even stopped blogging on a daily basis. 


They're right. 

It's time to move on. 

I'll plop that in my stereo before I go to sleep tonight. 


In my gratitude I'll share his link on a few of my busier social networking accounts.

I do not know of any other occupation where I could have a lot of respect and admiration for my direct competition.

Wow...just wow....

Life is beautiful. 

People are amazing.

The universe always provides. 

Love ya,

S. 

Harassment by Proxy

Today I am thankful that my bullshit detector is finally working. 

For the past three weeks, I have been receiving calls from a young woman on the east coast. 


She claims to be homeless. 

She wants to go to school here.


She calls and asks me about my living situation. 


She will sit on the phone with me for hours.  It sounds like she's crying on the phone.


I've spent a couple of hours talking to homeless advocates who give me advice and resources to share with her. 

I don't think she's following through.  One had a job and a living arrangement for her.

She doesn't mention that during the calls. 

I understand. 

Before I got married, I used to work with homeless people.  They lose faith in people because so many people make promises they don't keep.  People flake out on them.  People harass them.  People treat them as non-human. 

It is hard for homeless people to trust.


I understand. 


I have a coffee date with a man that ran the local rescue mission next week.  I know he has resources. 

I think I'll just ask about volunteer opportunities. 


Do you know why? 


This young woman called me this evening to complain about Steve.  She mentioned his full name. She said he was running around Facebook claiming that she sent him dirty pictures.   She described what he looked like and said that he had been hitting on her over the past year.  She said that he was sending her emails telling her that no one cared for her except him.

I advised her to block and report him.

Then....I realized....that he was playing a joke on us.  Well, okay....I think the joke is on me. 

This young woman claims that she doesn't know Steve.  She claims that they are not Facebook friends.  She claims that she didn't know that I knew him, let alone dated him and broke up with him 78 days ago because he was posting bizarre nonsensical things about me on Facebook, too. 

I don't know....

What are the odds that a young woman in crisis would call my house to complain about a man I just broke up with?

That question is making me frightened.  It is bringing back the trauma of the day he threatened to stalk me.



Oh.....



Could he be using her to harass me?


I'm sad. 

I don't know how Steve knows her.  She's my Facebook friend.  We met during a political event three and a half years ago.  I was taken in by her charm and her instantaneous knowledge of physics.

She's the same age as my daughter.  She was alone and claimed that her only living family was a dysfunctional mother who lived thousands of miles away.  I felt compelled to help her.


I don't want to say what she said happened to her.  I'm hoping it is a story but the emotion I feel when she tells it makes me believe that it is real. 

It is a terrifying story. 


Goddess please don't let Steve hurt her. 

I'm thinking now that Steve must be a narcissist or he's reading the NPD playbook.  Okay, that book doesn't exist...does it?  My comedian friend thinks Steve is a bit of a stalker.  If he is getting her to call me to get details of my life....this is stalking.

He already had one guy approach me to talk to me on his behalf. 

Damn it!

I want to play nice 

I just want to understand things.
 

Now I'm thinking that it may be time for a restraining order

And a demonic curse....


Love ya,

S. 

Kali Men, Detachment & Time

Maim me, tame me, you can never change me 
Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me 


Never mind.....responding to people who sling mud at me makes us both look like pigs.  This is why I chose to go no-contact.  I didn't do it to be punitive.  I did it so I could find peace.  

Today I am thankful for the insight that things will sort themselves out with time.

In time, the truth will reveal itself. 

With that truth, I shall know how to proceed. 

*****

Right now, I am waiting for a call from the Superintendent's office.  I want the statistics on crime, expulsions, suspensions, and teacher layoffs for the school my daughter attends.  I have a hunch that the mass layoff of non-tenured, yet popular teachers, may be the factor behind the upheaval in the school.  The bullying became horrid early last year.  The non-tenured teachers were fired the year before because the district wanted to save money.

I'm wondering.......perhaps.....if the new, non-tenured, teachers are too worried about their jobs to focus on the children.

The truth will be revealed.  It usually is. 

I'm wondering if some kids are not cut out for public school.  Maybe I need to sacrifice my career a little bit longer in order to build up a child torn down by a government system. 

*****

It took a little over four years for the latest round of stalking participants to be revealed.  I should have known it would be the same players as before.  I should have known it was my in-laws.  I hadn't seen them in so long, that they had new boyfriends and husbands.  That is why I didn't recognize their faces.  I did recognize the smell.

They must all use the same laundry soap or something.

All it took was a funeral to reveal who was following me.  I saw all my stalkers in photographs of the event. 

I realized that I was played a fool.

Now, I am just awaiting the truth of why.

That truth I may never find.

*****

My eldest daughter finally revealed the reason her boyfriend was becoming violent.  He wanted her to move to Texas with him so they could live with his family.  His family are unregistered aliens.  I'm not sure that is the correct term now.  We used to call them illegal aliens. 

I guess that is beside the point.  They have expressed an interest in becoming citizens as they've lived here for over two decades.  Their son could sponsor them -but- he's holding that over their heads.  He's making crazy demands.

I wonder.....who can sponsor illegal aliens?  I guess I could ask one of my liberal friends.  They'd know who to talk to. 

My daughter didn't want to move  He got violent.

See?  The truth always comes out. 

*****

I may or may not know the truth about Steve.  In talking to various social workers and shrinks, he does appear to have issues with paranoia and narcissism.  Most will say that those issues preceded his alcoholism.  The drug use is his attempt at mediating the mental issues.  I'm not sure.  When he abstained from drugs and alcohol, he was quite lucid.

It's not my place to judge.  I want to understand.  I may never know if he was a narcissist or if he had unresolved issues with addiction or both.  I don't know.



I know that he lies about me in a bid to manipulate me.  I know that he plays games to see how I will react.  I know that his daughter has been alienated from her mother.  I know that his mother has taken custody of this child from him.  When I was eight weeks late, I feared him knowing.  I couldn't put a kiddo through that. 

I KNOW that he has a tendency to use legal threats to control people.  He threatened to sue me twice.  First, for a restraining order because I didn't answer a Facebook message fast enough.  Secondly, because I posted a quote about emotional abuse. 


I may not be able to judge a person.  I have to judge whether or not I can speak to him again.  I have to judge if I need to cut off anybody who makes comments about him or our relationship.  He told a lot of lies.  I was upset when I had to address them.  Thankfully, most people don't care. 

The Anarchist activist who became angry at me due to Steve's Facebook posts had his email account hacked again.  I'm debating telling him.  I've known him for years.  We fought side by side to educate the public about tax hikes, years before Steve was in the picture.  I probably should call him and warn him.  I don't want to talk to him right now.  I probably should.  Friendship is stronger than the lies dysfunctional men tell on Facebook.


*****


I wonder what makes some men so destructive?

Why? 


Is it because we take their trust when they are born?  I wonder the damage that circumcision does to babies.

Why? 

Why is it so hard for men to trust?

Is it because we tell them to "man up" when they are growing up?

Why? 

This seems like a societal problem. 


Why do some guys feel the need to tear women down?  Why do they criticize, stalk, control, and harass their girlfriends, their wives, their mothers and their daughters?

What in the world can they possibly get out of that?


This may be something I'll never understand. 

I want to understand so I don't find myself in another relationship like this.


I want to understand so I can keep my daughters away from relationships like this.
I want to know how to cope if people like that are around me.
Finally, I want to know how to detach and stay sane when they are trying to pull me into their rage storms. 


I want to know. 


Hopefully time will reveal the answer to me. 


Love ya,

S. 


P.S.  The above song reminds me of how I felt in the middle of the manipulation.  I wanted him.  I loved him but he couldn't change me.  All he could do was waste my time and keep me away from the things I feel I need to do to help the community.  When I did those things intrinsic to who I am, it seemed to cause a lot problems.  He'd tend to pick fights after I'd take him to political events.  I took him because I thought he wanted to influence people.  Maybe not....maybe he just wanted me to think he wanted to influence people.  I tried. 

My task now is to file the relationship away in my head so I can move on....someday. 






This song.....this song seems to speak to narcissism.  Not the singer....but one verse, in particular, seems to allude to the pretentiousness of those "sucka DJs who think [they're] fly".  That seem to be a good description of hanging out with narcissists who cannot let their true colors show.

Sorting Through Confusion

Today I am thankful for good friends and time to sort through confusion.

 

 

I spent yesterday at a voting symposium. 

 

Mike wanted to go because he wants to fight the mail in ballot system.  I let him go with me. 

 

It's not stalking if I know about it. 

 

It's bizarre.  I dyed my hair dark brown and gained 15 pounds, everybody recognized me!

 

They looked at me like I was crazy because my ex-husband sat next to me. 

 

Well.....as long as I am a good little girl and do everything that is expected of me.....the stalking will stop. 

 

It has....as far as I know....it has.  I haven't seen my in-laws hanging around.  I haven't had any property damage since this summer. 

 

Now....what happens when I get a good paying job is anyone's guess. 

 

*****

Today I created two new resumes, wrote job seeking letters and called my friends to ask for references.

I am lucky.  Many of my long term friends knew Michael and I as teenagers.  They respect the fact that I never threw him out.  They respect me for being kind.  They will tell me that. 

One of them asked Michael and I to dinner next January. 

Would people be so kind and helpful to me if I acted as obnoxious as my ex and his family?

This is why I must be me.

This is why I must never resort to abusing people who do abusive things to me.

My new mantra is "two wrongs do not make a right."

***** 

I was offered the chance to interview for another government job.  This job would entail recruiting people who want to adopt foster kids via social media. 

 

It doesn't pay very well.....but....I'd probably like going to work. 

I don't like the idea of government work. 

I DO like the idea of getting kids out of that system.  I DO like the idea of utilizing less expensive strategies for getting the job done. 

 

I'll do it!

 

The only thing I dislike is that the office is two miles away from Steve's house. 

 

Visiting that part of town makes me cry. 

 

*****

 

I'm sleeping about four hours a day. 

 

I go to bed at 1:00 a.m. 

 

I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and cry until 7:00.

 

I wonder why Steve had to make bizarre accusations against my friends and I.  

 

I wonder why I let myself fall in love. 

 

I wonder how I can get past it. 

 

I can't be with someone so negative. 

 

I cry a lot. 

 

• When men express an interest I me....I cry.  
• When people praise me....I cry.   
• When people say that I am positive....I cry.  
• When people say that I am too hard on myself....I cry. 

I feel horrible for cutting him off. 

Nothing I did was good enough. 

I'm a busy person.  Spending hours writing in response to crazy allegations really put a dent in my day and my energy level.

I never knew what I could do and say that wouldn't be criticized, twisted, or posted to Facebook.

I feel guilty for what he termed was "throwing him away."  His claimed that his behavior was not abusive.  He considered it healthy because letting his judgmental jackal roam loose was honest.  The problem, though, was that his honesty was inaccurate.  Much of what he wrote was posted to Facebook.  I heard him lie to his brother-in-law, telling him that I binge ate when people were not around.  I'd see him post that I tore his heart out after he'd criticize me and want me to change my behavior; I asked if we should consider calling it off.  That last one was really bad because I saw my own friends feeling sorry for him.


I was not allowed to say how I felt because he'd say that I "choose to feel that way".  Only his feelings counted.  I couldn't judge the relationship as painful.  I couldn't leave without being accused as abuse.  I came back numerous times after his tirades because he'd say things on Facebook that made me think they were misunderstandings.  Now....after he started lying about me...I realize those were attempts at manipulation.  His lies have cost me TWO of my activist buddies.  One of them will come back when he realizes he's been played...this is nothing compared to how we were played against each other by a politician three years ago.  The other....well....I don't know.  I wish that person well. 

That abuse....I really couldn't take it anymore.

I had to get away. 

I have been reading Marshall Rosenberg's writings, that helps.  I am learning that the use of non-violent communication does not mean bowing down to abuse.  It does not mean accepting abuse.  Part of it involves recognizing unfair relationships that lack empathy and utilizing communication skills to extricate ourselves from them IF the use of the communication skills do not yield a communication balance.

Sometimes people without empathy find themselves lording power over us.  That doesn't mean that we cannot defend ourselves.  When in that situation, it is best to avoid engaging in what could be construed as verbal or physical violence -but- sometimes it is necessary to get away or improve the situation. 


It hurt me to tell him that I felt his communications were emotionally abusive.  I beat myself up over that.

Truth be told....those emails and texts were meant to hurt me! 


Maybe I'll post a few of Rosenberg's quotes.

One thing that helped was that judging a behavior is NOT the same as judging the person.  Steve always thought that when I judged a behavior as mean that I judged him the same way.  I thought that was an NVC principle.  I thought that I was not allowed to do that. 

I felt uncomfortable around him due to his mean-spirited judgments of me.

This insight helped.  Before I saw that, I began to think of NVC as a self-help cult. 

Steve was acting like a narcissist.  I wonder how much of that was his alcoholism?  I know I'm not supposed to label but the label will help me decide how I will behave if the man tries to speak to me again.  If it is narcissism, I'll avoid talking to him.  If it is alcoholism and he gets treatment, I may be much kinder.   

I cry....

Michael has been diagnosed with narcissism.  As long as I am a good little soldier he is kind and loving to me.  He'll bring me dinner.  He'll buy me candy (knowing I'm on a diet).  He'll proof-read my letters  He'll take the wheel in blizzards.  These are the times when I disbelieve the diagnosis.

I told Michael that this situation was intolerable.  If he had any intention of staying with me, we needed to seek counseling and legal counsel immediately.  It will only be a matter of time before one of us winds up with a new partner and the other one gets hurt.  We are not intimate or anything....but I'm thinking that if he thinks we will be someday and I don't know that....we are heading for trouble.  I think we need some clarity with regard to this situation. 

He doesn't seem interested in counseling.  He is interviewing for a traveling salesman job in Portland.  He wants to keep his residency here. 

He seems relieved that Steve is gone. 

What does he and my friends see that I don't?

I'll figure it out. 

I must read at least one book connected to personality disorders each day.  I can see the criteria but I can't feel it. 

Steve acted like a Narcissist with one glaring exception that the criteria lists don't mention: Narcissists don't care about self-improvement. 

He seemed to care. 

Alcoholism can mimic narcissism.  It can also mimic paranoia.  When he claimed that he thought that I was spying on him for the CIA, I began to worry about his alcoholism. 

That doesn't change the fact that I get physically ill when I see Steve's name in my in-box. 

I don't know how to talk to any human being that elicits that reaction out of me. 

He didn't love me.

I wonder how I could let myself be so blind. 

Like I say....I'll figure it out.

*****

To my relief, I learned that my daughter makes much more money than my ex-husband.  That means that she will eventually be able to afford a home of her own.  Her credit is maxed out so I may let her move into the basement apartment so she can repay her debts. 

Michael will probably wind up in my bedroom. 

I have a huge walk-in closet.  I can sleep with my prized possessions - my bass, my clarinet, my saxophones, my dresses, and my shoes. 

This is so weird. 

*****
I am stressed.

I can't breathe. 

My asthma is really bad. 

I know it is due to stress. 

I don't know what is going to happen.

My daughter is having criminal difficulty because her ex lied to the police. 

My youngest is being bullied in school and I am considering homeschooling her.   I may or may not say what I saw when I entered the school.  It is hypnotically disturbing....

Okay....as I went into the school, I saw four child made posters talking about having empathy for my child.  They mention her by name.  To paraphrase, each of them say something like 'I am a good person because I play with [my child] because NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO!'


Imagine being ten years old.  How would you feel if you saw signs that said that no one wants to play with you every time you went to school? 

I think my kiddo is being singled out for bullying.  I think....that perhaps...I need to yank her out of that school. 

Now, this is not to say that I hate all the teachers.  The teachers I have known for 15 years are very good to my daughter.  They tutor her.  They make sure people play with her on the playground.  They offer her a safe place to go when she feels excluded. 

Her teacher....though....labels her as "sensitive" and "an exaggerator."  The principal is also getting into the act claiming that other kids hit her because they are "expressive", "acting", and "rambunctious boys."  That teacher and the principal minimize it! 

I don't know.....

I don't know....
When government employees irritate me, I tend to go for the jugular.  I tend to run for a committee or for office. 

I'm the last person they want on the school board. 

It looks like I have to decide between making money with an office job or homeschooling my child.


This is just another stress I have to endure in my everyday life. 
 

I am trying to help a homeless young lady get into college.   

I am taking another hypnosis refresher course.

I am actively interviewing for jobs.

I am actively working on webinars for my hypnosis business.

I am tired. 

I can't do this very much longer. 

At least the universe is keeping me busy. 

It helps me when I feel too busy to feel the pain of my broken heart.

Love ya,

S.