Today I am thankful for life lessons.
Today I am experiencing mommy guilt.
After seeing what my daughter is enduring from her "boyfriend" and how much it mirrors my own situation, I feel a lot of guilt.
I have been stalked by my ex-husband's family most of her life. She's 24. I've been stalked for 22.5 years.
She's witnessed the rages.
She's witnessed the yelling.
She's witnessed the property damage.
When she was a teenager and he scared her, she is the one that called the police.
My ex-husband and I started sleeping apart in 2001. This child was ten years old.
We vowed to stay together for the children.
The stalking continued.
I stayed.
The yelling continued.
I stayed.
I taught her to put up with the crap abusive men dish out.
It's sad how much her life mirrors mine. She received a college degree. The money I saved for her in her youth was used to support her lazy boyfriend. She wanted to use it for college and what was left to buy herself a house. She earned a full ride scholarship. She should have had enough money left for a down payment on a house.
What is it they say?
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
It doesn't matter what we say. Our children will follow our example and do what we do.
*****
It took Steve lying about me being an emotional abuser and one of his friends unfriending me over it that caused me to start saying "no" to abusive men.
I broke up with him due to his Facebook posts, threatening texts and abusive emails
I said NO more.
I stood up for myself.
He also wanted me to stop posting about domestic violence. I couldn't. So many women are enduring situations worse than I. In the past two months, two of my friends fled their abusers. My daughter is trying to get away. Late last month, an old friend's nephew (who lived with my friend) murdered his girlfriend and committed suicide. Damn....I wish I had reached out MORE!! Maybe if my friend had seen the signs, her nephew and his love would still be here today. He came home from a stint in the Army and wasn't himself. They were trying to get him help.
I feel the need to post. I feel the need to share. I feel the need to validate their experiences.
*****
In relationships, I AM too nice.
I put up with too much.
I realize that Steve tried to abuse a lot of women. I put up with it. This is why he chose me.
It was a numbers game.
The problem was that I became tired of the constant psychological attacks. I couldn't do it anymore.
I used to go running back when he's start lying about me to his friends or on Facebook.
I was just too damn tired to do that again.
I don't think it mattered.
I just wish the break up wasn't so public.
One of his friends is hitting on me now.
I'll figure out how to deal with it.
I need to get myself to a place where I feel confident about myself again.
******
My daughter is out of jail.
Her hearing is tomorrow.
The sergeant is sending me links on the law. We do not talk about the case. I can already pinpoint two things the officer did wrong.
1.) There is no mandatory arrest law unless there is probably cause in our state. The sergeant confirmed this.
2.) There is a law on the books mandating that officers look for a primary aggressor. This was not done. A primary aggressor is the one that keeps the problem going. It is the screaming, yelling, harassing, pushing and terrorizing person.
The officer made the arrest due to a torn shirt without taking my dispatch call into account.
My aim is not to get the officer in trouble, but rather, contact my legislatures when I find out what needs to be improved. I have relationships with lawmakers, I may as well us that to help others.
******
My daughter's landlord has an illegal eviction clause for people involved in domestic violence disputes. Now.....these fly in the face of the Violence Against Women's Act.
Still....freeing her of that lease will keep her away from the real abuser.
This eviction clause could save her credit.
I'm not upset.
I am realizing that my daughter and granddaughter are going to wind up in the basement apartment my ex-husband lives in. My ex and I have decided to let her stay long enough to save up for a house.
I'm thinking of giving my ex my bedroom and sleeping in my walk-in closet. My closet is larger than my children's bedrooms. It is huge.
I guess I may need to buy myself a new bed.
This will work.
The irony is that I have to stay here in this situation to help my daughter escape hers.
That's okay.
*****
I got my first paycheck yesterday. I realize that I could live on $12.00 per hour. The taxes were not as bad as I thought they would be even though I claimed zero deductions.
My expenses (including food and gas) total $1600.00 per month. At $12.00 per hour, my take home pay is $398.00 per week. I won't need alimony. I can get it but I won't need it.
This is do-able.
For the first time in seventeen years, I'm feeling positive about the future. My job was temporary. There will be others. I am sure of it.
I still think I should sell the house and split the proceeds with my ex.
I won't make a move until my daughter gets situated.
Things will work out.
They always do.
Love ya,
S.