Sorting Through Confusion

Today I am thankful for good friends and time to sort through confusion.

 

 

I spent yesterday at a voting symposium. 

 

Mike wanted to go because he wants to fight the mail in ballot system.  I let him go with me. 

 

It's not stalking if I know about it. 

 

It's bizarre.  I dyed my hair dark brown and gained 15 pounds, everybody recognized me!

 

They looked at me like I was crazy because my ex-husband sat next to me. 

 

Well.....as long as I am a good little girl and do everything that is expected of me.....the stalking will stop. 

 

It has....as far as I know....it has.  I haven't seen my in-laws hanging around.  I haven't had any property damage since this summer. 

 

Now....what happens when I get a good paying job is anyone's guess. 

 

*****

Today I created two new resumes, wrote job seeking letters and called my friends to ask for references.

I am lucky.  Many of my long term friends knew Michael and I as teenagers.  They respect the fact that I never threw him out.  They respect me for being kind.  They will tell me that. 

One of them asked Michael and I to dinner next January. 

Would people be so kind and helpful to me if I acted as obnoxious as my ex and his family?

This is why I must be me.

This is why I must never resort to abusing people who do abusive things to me.

My new mantra is "two wrongs do not make a right."

***** 

I was offered the chance to interview for another government job.  This job would entail recruiting people who want to adopt foster kids via social media. 

 

It doesn't pay very well.....but....I'd probably like going to work. 

I don't like the idea of government work. 

I DO like the idea of getting kids out of that system.  I DO like the idea of utilizing less expensive strategies for getting the job done. 

 

I'll do it!

 

The only thing I dislike is that the office is two miles away from Steve's house. 

 

Visiting that part of town makes me cry. 

 

*****

 

I'm sleeping about four hours a day. 

 

I go to bed at 1:00 a.m. 

 

I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and cry until 7:00.

 

I wonder why Steve had to make bizarre accusations against my friends and I.  

 

I wonder why I let myself fall in love. 

 

I wonder how I can get past it. 

 

I can't be with someone so negative. 

 

I cry a lot. 

 

• When men express an interest I me....I cry.  
• When people praise me....I cry.   
• When people say that I am positive....I cry.  
• When people say that I am too hard on myself....I cry. 

I feel horrible for cutting him off. 

Nothing I did was good enough. 

I'm a busy person.  Spending hours writing in response to crazy allegations really put a dent in my day and my energy level.

I never knew what I could do and say that wouldn't be criticized, twisted, or posted to Facebook.

I feel guilty for what he termed was "throwing him away."  His claimed that his behavior was not abusive.  He considered it healthy because letting his judgmental jackal roam loose was honest.  The problem, though, was that his honesty was inaccurate.  Much of what he wrote was posted to Facebook.  I heard him lie to his brother-in-law, telling him that I binge ate when people were not around.  I'd see him post that I tore his heart out after he'd criticize me and want me to change my behavior; I asked if we should consider calling it off.  That last one was really bad because I saw my own friends feeling sorry for him.


I was not allowed to say how I felt because he'd say that I "choose to feel that way".  Only his feelings counted.  I couldn't judge the relationship as painful.  I couldn't leave without being accused as abuse.  I came back numerous times after his tirades because he'd say things on Facebook that made me think they were misunderstandings.  Now....after he started lying about me...I realize those were attempts at manipulation.  His lies have cost me TWO of my activist buddies.  One of them will come back when he realizes he's been played...this is nothing compared to how we were played against each other by a politician three years ago.  The other....well....I don't know.  I wish that person well. 

That abuse....I really couldn't take it anymore.

I had to get away. 

I have been reading Marshall Rosenberg's writings, that helps.  I am learning that the use of non-violent communication does not mean bowing down to abuse.  It does not mean accepting abuse.  Part of it involves recognizing unfair relationships that lack empathy and utilizing communication skills to extricate ourselves from them IF the use of the communication skills do not yield a communication balance.

Sometimes people without empathy find themselves lording power over us.  That doesn't mean that we cannot defend ourselves.  When in that situation, it is best to avoid engaging in what could be construed as verbal or physical violence -but- sometimes it is necessary to get away or improve the situation. 


It hurt me to tell him that I felt his communications were emotionally abusive.  I beat myself up over that.

Truth be told....those emails and texts were meant to hurt me! 


Maybe I'll post a few of Rosenberg's quotes.

One thing that helped was that judging a behavior is NOT the same as judging the person.  Steve always thought that when I judged a behavior as mean that I judged him the same way.  I thought that was an NVC principle.  I thought that I was not allowed to do that. 

I felt uncomfortable around him due to his mean-spirited judgments of me.

This insight helped.  Before I saw that, I began to think of NVC as a self-help cult. 

Steve was acting like a narcissist.  I wonder how much of that was his alcoholism?  I know I'm not supposed to label but the label will help me decide how I will behave if the man tries to speak to me again.  If it is narcissism, I'll avoid talking to him.  If it is alcoholism and he gets treatment, I may be much kinder.   

I cry....

Michael has been diagnosed with narcissism.  As long as I am a good little soldier he is kind and loving to me.  He'll bring me dinner.  He'll buy me candy (knowing I'm on a diet).  He'll proof-read my letters  He'll take the wheel in blizzards.  These are the times when I disbelieve the diagnosis.

I told Michael that this situation was intolerable.  If he had any intention of staying with me, we needed to seek counseling and legal counsel immediately.  It will only be a matter of time before one of us winds up with a new partner and the other one gets hurt.  We are not intimate or anything....but I'm thinking that if he thinks we will be someday and I don't know that....we are heading for trouble.  I think we need some clarity with regard to this situation. 

He doesn't seem interested in counseling.  He is interviewing for a traveling salesman job in Portland.  He wants to keep his residency here. 

He seems relieved that Steve is gone. 

What does he and my friends see that I don't?

I'll figure it out. 

I must read at least one book connected to personality disorders each day.  I can see the criteria but I can't feel it. 

Steve acted like a Narcissist with one glaring exception that the criteria lists don't mention: Narcissists don't care about self-improvement. 

He seemed to care. 

Alcoholism can mimic narcissism.  It can also mimic paranoia.  When he claimed that he thought that I was spying on him for the CIA, I began to worry about his alcoholism. 

That doesn't change the fact that I get physically ill when I see Steve's name in my in-box. 

I don't know how to talk to any human being that elicits that reaction out of me. 

He didn't love me.

I wonder how I could let myself be so blind. 

Like I say....I'll figure it out.

*****

To my relief, I learned that my daughter makes much more money than my ex-husband.  That means that she will eventually be able to afford a home of her own.  Her credit is maxed out so I may let her move into the basement apartment so she can repay her debts. 

Michael will probably wind up in my bedroom. 

I have a huge walk-in closet.  I can sleep with my prized possessions - my bass, my clarinet, my saxophones, my dresses, and my shoes. 

This is so weird. 

*****
I am stressed.

I can't breathe. 

My asthma is really bad. 

I know it is due to stress. 

I don't know what is going to happen.

My daughter is having criminal difficulty because her ex lied to the police. 

My youngest is being bullied in school and I am considering homeschooling her.   I may or may not say what I saw when I entered the school.  It is hypnotically disturbing....

Okay....as I went into the school, I saw four child made posters talking about having empathy for my child.  They mention her by name.  To paraphrase, each of them say something like 'I am a good person because I play with [my child] because NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO!'


Imagine being ten years old.  How would you feel if you saw signs that said that no one wants to play with you every time you went to school? 

I think my kiddo is being singled out for bullying.  I think....that perhaps...I need to yank her out of that school. 

Now, this is not to say that I hate all the teachers.  The teachers I have known for 15 years are very good to my daughter.  They tutor her.  They make sure people play with her on the playground.  They offer her a safe place to go when she feels excluded. 

Her teacher....though....labels her as "sensitive" and "an exaggerator."  The principal is also getting into the act claiming that other kids hit her because they are "expressive", "acting", and "rambunctious boys."  That teacher and the principal minimize it! 

I don't know.....

I don't know....
When government employees irritate me, I tend to go for the jugular.  I tend to run for a committee or for office. 

I'm the last person they want on the school board. 

It looks like I have to decide between making money with an office job or homeschooling my child.


This is just another stress I have to endure in my everyday life. 
 

I am trying to help a homeless young lady get into college.   

I am taking another hypnosis refresher course.

I am actively interviewing for jobs.

I am actively working on webinars for my hypnosis business.

I am tired. 

I can't do this very much longer. 

At least the universe is keeping me busy. 

It helps me when I feel too busy to feel the pain of my broken heart.

Love ya,

S.