Busy Days and Creepy Dreams

Today I am thankful for good luck.

I missed a deadly crash by about fifteen minutes.

I did my Goodwill crap hunting thing.  Every Sunday, I drive to a Goodwill store that I had never been to before to look for dresses.

You'd be proud of me.  I didn't buy anything!  I have lots of donations to give them though. 

I drove to one all the way in the outskirts of Arvada and one in a town called Golden.

I got lost and wound up around Morrison.

I barely missed this.....

I have a strange compulsion.

When I'm stuck in a traffic jam, I pray to Mercury. 

Two people died. 

Perhaps I should have prayed to Asclepius.

There are five other injuries. 

It's Sunday. 

I guess it's not too late to pray. 

*****

Yesterday, I look a neighbor kiddo to a fair.  I was supposed to go to lunch with my former co-workers.  One of whom is someone that I have feelings for.....deep feelings.....complete with filthy dreams.  We would spend hours upon hours talking about music theory.  He was my favorite DJ. He said he admired how I fought the local government.

But alas, it's not meant to be.  He is a devout Christian.  I will NOT forsake my career or my Gods for him. 

I think that is the subconscious reason I wrote the wrong day on my calendar.  I thought the luncheon was today.  When I woke up, I found out that my friend left a message stating that he missed seeing me yesterday. 

That's embarrassing. 

I'm not going to anymore lunches until I get my head screwed on straight!

I do not regret taking the neighbor kid to the fair.....not one bit.  She's having trouble at home.  I think she needed the outing with my kiddos. 

She taught me how to use my phone!

It's awesome.  I took a ton of photos.  I didn't how to do that two days ago!

Now I just have to take her out for lunch so she can teach me how to upload them to the internet.

Just teasing.....

We have the same phone.  So she taught me how to use the GPS function on my new LG.

That's how I managed to escape the traffic jam.  

Siri told me where to go. 

Kids are great.

She considers herself to be a boy with a boy's name.  I have to get used to calling her Tyler and "him."

She said it was okay for me to identify as a girl with a boy's name.   That's not quite my situation, I identify as an old woman with a name that means "girl." 

Talk about a confusing identity!!!

I have to say.... teenagers are awesome! 

She also is one heck of a good shot.  We shot rifles.  She's moving in if there is ever a zombie apocalypse. 

Yes, we framed what was left of her paper targets.

This kid has mad skills!

I love it!

*****

Now that I have Siri, we took a little road trip to a meditation spot in Salida, Colorado.

The teenagers loved it.

They liked the labyrinth, the sacred geometry and the statue of the Black Madonna (Isis).

They took the pride parade decorations out of my car and left them as offerings.

They've asked me to come back with a stack of new age books and glass angels that I need to get out of my office. 

We'll probably go back next week. 

I never thought they'd like meditating so much. 

Teenagers can be very surprising.

*****

As far as strange dreams, I listened to that 8 hour love hypnosis session again.

I slept well....again.

This time, the dreams moved on to ex number two. 

Ex number two's name was Ross.

Ross was a rancher from Washington State.  He had an older woman.  His mother did not approve.  His mom met me at the door with a wedding dress.

I thought she was joking.  She wasn't. 

They had to pull me from the bathroom to meet the minister.  I had so many excuses.  I ran out of them when I learned they flew my grandfather out for an impromptu wedding. 

I thought about an annulment.

I didn't. 

After the wedding, Ross started to beat the crud out of me and put me in the hospital a few times. I can't complain about the crooked fingers, toes and spine.  My nose looks better since he broke it.

I think he beat me up that so he could be with his mistress.  In fact, the last day I spent in our home, he literally hunted down a man I refused to sleep with before I met him and both of them met me in my living room.  They took turns beating me up while claiming that it was normal to sleep with lots of people.  I was informed that people who refuse to sleep around use "sex as a weapon."  

I remember that guy.  He was married.  I left the date prematurely because he had a tan with a white sliver on the middle finger of his left hand.  My boss was Muslim.  I made an excuse about having to work.  He let me come to work so I wouldn't be in a comprising situation with a married man. 

I miss that boss. 

It was the darndest thing.  An old friend from high school, named Daniel, called me out of the blue right after the beating.  He came over and took me to talk to his mother.  They talked me into leaving. 

I planned my escape and never looked back. 

That must've been psychic intervention. 

I owe Daniel big time.  We still talk from time to time.  He's one of those perfect men who have so much in common with me.....including who we would like as dating partners. 

The divorce took more than four years.  The marriage didn't last a year. 

Years later, I learned that Ross married his mistress.  She called me about eight years after the divorce asking what she needed to do to keep him from putting her in the hospital.

I told her to call a domestic violence hotline.  I couldn't help her.  She went to court to claim that my ex was not abusive in anyway and that I was a monster.  I felt sad for her.  He tricked her.   Okay, I still feel sad for her. 

His daughter says that he has a mistress and a best friend that he sees on the side.  Her mom doesn't believe in divorce so she'll stick it out. 

That's what I dreamt about.  I dreamt about visiting his wife.  Ross was there.  His mistress was there.  His half-naked best friend was there.  All the women looked somewhat alike. 

It was like sitting in the beginning of a porno flick with ugly elderly people.

Thankfully, my dream self made an excuse to leave the party before all of the clothes started flinging.

The dream would have been perfect if I had my bass with me.  This guy was always jealous of my basses.  He wound up trashing them in fits of rage. 

[The sounds of 70's era basslines are filling my head.]

Ross is the one that tried to pull me into his cars years after our divorce was final.  He told me that he always thought I'd make a better mistress than a wife.

His behavior was disgusting. I managed to hide from him for many years after changing my name.  He found me in 1998.  I blame the internet. 

I NEVER want to see that guy again......ever. 

I'll listen to the darn hypnosis recording one more time.  Let's see where the dreams take me. 

Sigh......

I'm sure there is a lesson here for me.  I have no clue what it is. 

Maybe I'm healing all the damage from a-holish men who weren't honest about what they wanted.

I'll tell you if I figure out what the message is. 

Part of me wishes that ol' Ross gets arthritis is his hands so that his beautiful bride gets a reprieve.  Maybe I'll post a wishing spell tomorrow and we'll see if it comes to pass. 

I may never know.  That would be worth the spent candles. 

Love ya lots,

S. 

Dreams of an Old Friend (w/ edit)

Today I am thankful for.....

the ability to remember my dreams.

I'm sitting in bed stunned at my dreams.

It's Saturday morning. 

I did my ritual to Aphrodite and forgot to blow out the candles.  They're still burning. 

******

I'm preparing to take a neighborhood kid out to the county fair.  Her father is doing what Mike did to our family after the divorce. 

He claimed to be jobless and moved in with his ex wife.  The child's mother lives with her kids in her parents' home. 

The grandfather told me that his former son-in-law has been promising to move out and never does.

There is a lot of fighting.

I'm going to try to get the kiddo away from the fighting today. 

I'm nervous about it because I don't like the rides at the county fair. 

I'll go any way.

Promises were made.

A promise IS a promise.

******
There are promises that can seem like a vow.

You don't know that at the time. 

In my youth, I made a promise.

That promise was that I would always be a friend to a certain young man.

I'm not sure that I promised I would always love him.  I love everybody so that promise doesn't seem to mean anything.

Back then, my idea of love wasn't much different than friendship.  So it's an easy promise to keep.

I fell asleep listening to one of my colleagues hypnosis videos.  It was about opening oneself to love.

He made an 8 hour video.

Why in the heck would anyone want that?

I didn't ask.

Some people actually desire to listen to hypnosis for 8 hours.

I gave it a whirl.

I slept pretty well. 

I woke up when I heard him say "rise and shine."

Rise and shine.....

That's what I used to say when I had a male partner, many, many years ago.

The focus was more on the word "shine." 

Lots of things rise in the morning.

I still think we became celibate because I wore the poor man out. 

*****
I reflected on my dreams. 

In these dreams, I met my old friend.  He was on a road trip and staying in various impromptu situations.

He's staying with an acquaintance.  It went sour when he learned she was squatting in an apartment that she didn't own.  The real owner threatened to call the police. 

I grabbed my friend's hand and led him to an easy escape as the sheriff arrived.

At one point in the dream, he's visiting me in an old apartment I used to rent.  We pack up our bags and go on a trip. 

We hopped in an old van that my dad had in my youth.  It was a converted ice cream truck, painted gold. 

We're there.....

Living in this golden van....

traveling about.....

on an adventure....

We're not doing anything R rated. 

It's more PG.

We are basically cleaning up our messes.

Oh, we had a mess. 

******
He left me.  I think it was May 1, 1987.  The more time passes, the more the days run together.

I didn't keep a journal.  I wrote a poem/song a day.

The song written on May 1, reflected a note.

On that day, he handed me a note and said he was leaving me. 

I put the note into a yearbook and didn't read it. 

I learned what he wrote twenty years later.   

To be fair, my step-father just committed suicide.  My grandmother died a few months earlier.  My mother two years earlier.  My grandfather was just diagnosed with cancer.

I was an orphan.

I lived with an uncle whose girlfriend was trying to push me into moving out.  She'd demand money for me to give to my uncle.  She'd get my money but NEVER give it to my uncle. 

It got to the point of violence.  I was looking for an apartment. 

I just put the note aside. 

The day before I learned about a music education scholarship.  I wanted to take it but I didn't want to leave my grandfather alone. 

I vaguely remember telling my friend about the scholarship.  We were on a bus.  I mentioned it.  He got quiet.

I never quite knew the reason for the break-up. 

It didn't matter anymore.  He broke up with me.  His needs were not being met. 

Rumors flew that he was smoking dope with a prettier girl.  I thought that was what he wanted.  I never bothered to find out if the rumors were true. 

I let him go so he could be happy.

That's all I wanted for him. 

******
There were times I'd see him. 

There were times I could feel him nearby. 

I just ignored it. 

Once I felt his presence at a drug/alcohol treatment center.  I pushed the thoughts out of my head. 

My roommate said that this old friend came looking for me a few days later.  He even pointed out a guy with black hair under my window.  Alas, it couldn't be him.  My old friend had blonde hair.

I was eventually convinced that it was him and that he needed something.  I went out to visit him.  He stomped off.

I figured he was happy. 

I left him alone.

Years passed. 

I married the cousin of a friend from high school.  My in-laws lived three blocks away from my old friend. 

It was uncomfortable. 

For years, I'd keep my head buried in my hands when we had to drive down Reed St, especially on Christmas Eve.

It made me uneasy.  I never knew what I would see if I looked up. 

******
My high school reunion was in 2007.  I didn't make it to the class picnic.  It's a long story.  Let's just say that we got lost looking for the venue and my ex-husband became violently angry in the middle of my hometown.

It was so scary, I made him stop the car and the kids and I left.

He's screaming in the middle of the street.

I was embarrassed.

To this day, I don't know who witnessed that. 

I think that is why my friend reached out to me to beg me to think of myself and the kids.

It didn't take very long for him to email me and suggest that we meet for lunch. 

******
For years, I would dream of this guy.  These dreams were not fun.  He'd always break his leg.  I'd dream of car crashes, explosions and all sorts of frightening things.

I'd wake up crying and screaming his name.

There were times when I woke up the whole house.  The dreams were terrifying.

My old friend's name is Tom.

I started to joke about it telling my ex that I was daydreaming about being Getty Lee before breaking out into a horrible rendition of Tom Sawyer.

  "Modern day warrior, mean, mean stride."

The dreams got worse.

My singing got worse.

It became a running joke.  Whenever my ex and I went to a live show, he'd always request that they play Tom Sawyer.

I have to say that song sounds pretty darn good on bagpipes.

Yeah, I heard it everywhere I went.

My ex told me that he was so worried about the dreams that he asked his cousin to get in touch with Tom.

His cousins scare me.  They'd been harassing me for years.

It'll upset me to find out that this was true.

******
The note?

Well, I finally read in in 2006.   My then husband was going through my things.  We had trouble for many years due to harassment I endured from my in-laws.  We slept apart. 

Things from my youth started showing up around the house and I asked where he had found them.  He said he hadn't gone through my things.  He blamed the kids.

On this day, I realized that he was the one going through my things.  He opened the note.  He read it.  He called me into his bedroom and told me that Tom never wanted to leave me.  He left me so I could go to college. 

That was creepy.  It was almost like my ex wanted to be rid of me.  This is what his mother wanted: I was told that they wanted me to have kids and then allow my ex and the kids to move in with her.  I would pay child support and alimony to support them all. 

Yes, it was heartbreaking.  This was right before the stalking became deadly.

I'll never know what the aim of the stalking was or exactly how it went down. 

******
For the next few years, Tom would visit me three times.  It was always for lunch and in a public venue. The meetings never lasted for more than two hours.

I'd give him magical charms hoping to get him happily married off.

All I wanted was his happiness.

I don't know if they worked. 

I hope they worked.

If so, his wife can never learn of my dreams.

I'm going to need to.....like....scrub my subconscious or something.

I used to pray that I would no longer have nightmares about my friend. 

Perhaps there are worse dreams to have. 

******

In the past year, the dreams have become a little more flirtatious.

I'll dream of him inviting me into his home to pick up the stuff from my youth and he'll brush my arm past an erect body part -and-

I'll run off. 

He'll be wrestling with me and end up on top of me and

I'll wiggle away and run off. 

This dream, we are cleaning the back of my dad's van.  Our clothes are wet.  We're cold.  We start to change clothing....

I gently kiss his exposed arm and say "thank you for coming back."

and I wake up.....

freaked out. 

I'm astounded that I didn't run away in this dream.  I always run away.  I run away to call an ambulance, the police, out of fear.

In dreams of this guy.....

I always run away.

I didn't this time.

That's weird.

Maybe the 8 hour hypnosis video worked on some level. 

Maybe I am opening up myself to something. 

******

I don't know.

I have two choices, I can take up a diet of donuts and soda so NO ONE will ever even think of me in that manner

-or-

I can get a third job.  I'm looking at becoming a delivery driver in addition to an insurance agent and hypnotherapist.

I'm never going to get child support.  My ex owed a lot of people money and they're starting to hassle me for it.  I may need the third job.

This can keep me too busy to....you know....

um.....sleep. 

Yeah, I'll be too busy to sleep. 

I guess the biggest defense against misunderstood subconscious desires is too keep yourself too tired and busy to play along.

I'll let you know what I decide to do. 

Darn it....I knew I shouldn't visit my old school chums. 

No good could ever come from that.

All it ever does for me is awaken memories that should probably stay buried.

May you never have a sickly twisted love story like Tom and I.

May you always clarify misunderstandings....

May you always state what is in your heart....

so that you don't spend so many years of your life wondering what the heck happened. 

Love ya lots,


S.

Edit:  It took a few days but I finally realize the meaning of the dreams.

I guess I have a need to express gratitude for my old friend and the journeys that he made to meet with me and remind me that I am someone who is worthy of love, friendship and happiness.

It took me nearly nine years to realize that all of those things I prayed for him, he probably wanted for me, too.

I never told him....

that I appreciated his friendship.

I appreciated his challenging my worldviews even if I disagreed with him.  It turns out that we were both wrong about the origin of schizophrenia (there's new research...it's something about helper t-cells).

He was always the most beautiful man I've ever met and I spent years praying that all the love I had for him would be given to his significant other so he'd get the benefit of those feelings -

(and I had privately hoped it would cause the feelings of loss and the dreams to go away).

All I've ever wanted was his happiness.  When people told me they saw him in public with a woman smiling.  It made me happy.  I literally had a party when I learned he was married.

It broke my heart to learn of his divorce.

When people spread bizarre gossip about him.  It hurt. Luckily, that was a rarity and the gossip always came from my sister (and she wasn't always the most honest person).

I loved his stories (except that missing toe and broken leg story....they make me cry despite the boyish pride he has in his eyes when he tells them).

The best story he told me was about his 40 day motorcycle ride across California.  He packed light.  He only had one pair of spare undies that he washed in the sink.

I love that story. 

He is free.  I can appreciate the joy in being free.  

I hope and pray that everyday is an adventure. 

The dreams are just reminders of the gratitude that I have that this person was in my life at a very pivotal time.

Thank you, again T.  Thank you for coming back and reminding me who I am. 

Love ya,


S. 

Loving Karma

T

Today I am thankful for kind Karma.

Last night was just....horrid.

I've decided that I really dislike high school reunions.  I love the people -but- the reunions in and of themselves are frustrating.

There are people who wind up paying for everything....usually it's a single mother who is too proud to ask for help. 

I don't know if it is appropriate to offer to give her money. 

She makes it known it costs money -but- she doesn't really give us an avenue to pay.

I wind up feeling guilty when I ask if there is anything I can do and am told 'no.'

*****

People don't typically remember me from high school. 

They remember me from politics, school board meetings and the paper.

It's a little sad. 

Some people asked about it.  They wanted to know what I was up to.  Was I going to run this year?  Probably not.  My favorite seat won't upon up until next year.  Was I going to fight the pit bull ban?  Yeah, I just need to join the right group of people.  I didn't say anything about that directly. 

I just found myself explaining that politics was like babysitting.  I'd prefer to leave the children at home when I'm out with my friends.

Yes, I used to attend the school board meetings for the area a few years ago when I had my heart set on moving into an apartment in Arvada.  That was before my ex demanded that I take house because he wanted to lower the alimony. Of course, when he left his job, I didn't feel right pursuing it.

The mediator said that my ex wanted me to have the house so he could continue to spy on me.  That could be true, too.  I haven't checked my bedroom for bugs or cameras yet. 

Who knows?  It's not like he's going to see anything interesting in my bedroom.  He'd just see dresses, suits and lots and lots of shoes. 

At the reunion, I realized that I don't fit in as a classmate.  I might fit in as an activist.  I may fit in as a mentor to college bound students.  I may fit in as a customer. 

I don't quite fit in as a classmate. 

I really don't belong at the reunions. 

*****

I did a ritual last night to help me feel more loving towards people and less like strangling them.

I have trouble maintaining my peace of mind when I'm around asshats.

I'm told that I have a calming serenity around me.  When I interview for jobs, this is something people bring up and really like. 

Yes, I have ways to deal with people in anxious states. 

I'm really good at calming down jerks and obnoxious people. 

This is why I received the three job offers.  I've only had three interviews.

I realized that I needed to be more loving....peaceful calm isn't necessarily enough.

******
At sunset, I lit a black candle to disperse the negative energy. At sunrise I lit a white candle to be more loving.

About 2:30 in the morning, I awoke in severe pain.  My stomach hurt.  It was like I had food poisoning.

I may have.  I ordered a pizza for dinner.  I'm supposedly allergic to wheat and cheese.

I was in the bathroom for about an hour feeling dizzy.

I'll be very upset if I didn't lose a dress size.....seriously......

I finally got up the energy to go back to my bed. 

I fell asleep and was awakened by a huge THUD at 4:44 a.m.

A four post bed doubles as extra closet space - Yea ME! 

I figured it was my stash of shoes that I have hung up in a shoe holders on the corners of my bed.  There are some perks to celibacy.  One of them is shoes.....I can have hordes and hordes of shoes in my bedroom....

and NO ONE.....

NO ONE.....

can say a darn thing about that. 

I have my shoes shoved into a little fabric folding containers....like the set above. 

If I move too much the shoes fall out. 

That's what I figured happened.

I was wrong.

You know, it's going to take a special guy to make me get rid of all my dresses and shoes.  I haven't met one yet.  I probably never will.  If I did meet him, he'd probably be killed by flying 5" heels so it's best I don't bring him home. 

*******

I awoke again at 5:15 to light the white candle.  As the sun began to rise......I noticed what had fallen on to the floor.

It was a notebook from my high school days....

It was a notebook that I bought years ago. 

It said Arvada Redskins on the spine.   The school is now known as the Arvada Bulldogs.

This book is filled negatives and contact sheets from my days as a school photographer.  I was the unofficial photographer.  I carried a camera everywhere....

I had a little disc camera in my book bag.  I even bought one for my old friend, so he had one with him (sometimes).  I even had a 35mm on my keychain. 

When the staff was short of pictures for the yearbooks, I gave them my negatives.  Many of my pictures made it into the yearbooks.

I opened the notebook wondering what I should see.....

I saw people from my past....

and pictures that I thought I had destroyed when my stalkerish ex made mention of wanting to get into contact with someone he was jealous of from my past.

I don't know if there is a message for me.....or what I'm supposed to take from this experience.

I haven't touched that bookcase in over five years. 

Why would the notebook have fallen on the floor?

Maybe I'm supposed to love these crazy people from my youth.....no matter what. 

Maybe I'm not supposed to skip out on reunions even though I'm not a former cheerleader or anyone of any note back in the day. 

I'm going to go to sleep and ponder this development.

******
Truth be told, high school reunions are no fun.

I'd rather go to karaoke with these people to support the woman who opened her own bar.

When the city used eminent domain to seize her bar for a Wal-Mart, I wanted to be there protesting with her. 

I'd rather fight for their kids at a political meeting or coach their kids into talking the district into teaching French at every school.

That's weird.  Jefferson Public Schools in Colorado does not teach the international language at all of its high schools.  Jason Glass should be proud (that's sarcasm). 

How do they expect kids to get into college with few foreign language options? 

It's a shame I don't have a Jeffco address......yet.

Luckily, I know many activists in the area, including former school board members who were forcibly recalled by the lies of the teacher's union. 

Sad....but true.  I still think back to that recall and shake my head when I remember a poor teacher protesting in the middle of Wadsworth Avenue.  It's a busy street.  She nearly got hit by a car.

It broke my heart. 

I don't care what you believe politically, it's not worth your life!

The union tried to corral my kids into ditching school and protesting.  I live an hour away in another county.  My kids were some of the few who stayed behind.

There is a time and a place for protest. 

Ditching school is never appropriate. 

If they did that, I'd make them give a political speech somewhere to try to enact real change!

They know it!

*******

I'm still sick. 

I managed to see my freebie hypnosis client today.  When one doesn't eat, there is nothing to vacate. 

I'm lucky it worked out. 

She was in tears.  She came in to stop smoking due to the diagnosis of a deadly disease.  Her subconscious mind didn't see the point in continuing to live so it fought her efforts to stop smoking. 

She needed to find her purpose.  I think she found it.

She's only a few years older than I!

I hope I don't ever become so jaded that I wish for death over health. 

******
I keep thinking about Brian.  He's the guy who called me up in the middle of the night and chewed me out for failing to go to my high school reunion earlier this year.  It was for the school I attended before my parents died.  I knew these people since I was five years old. 

Brian was afraid I'd die before he ever saw me again.  I think the last time I saw Brian was in 1992 when he worked as a clerk in a pet shop.  My eldest daughter modeled for some of the businesses in the mall.  I'd take her to visit Brian in the pet shop.

His warning and rant is the only reason I bothered to the reunion for the other high school.

I shouldn't have gone. 

******
Do you want to hear something funny?  One of the recruiters helping me has the exact same first and last name as Brian.  Get this.....he lives in Arvada.

They're not related.  I checked.....sigh.....

I took it as an omen.  Brian got me a job offer close to my previous salary. 

******
I'm off to go through my photo contact sheets and see what I'm failing to understand.  I hate looking at them because they remind me of too many painful things. 

We'll see. 

Oh, and I think the spell worked on some level.  I've had numerous people recommend me for jobs today.  My phone has been constantly busy. 

I think some of the love and kindness I've shared in the past has come back to me. 

It usually does.

May all the good that you do come back to you ten fold.

Love ya lots,

S. 

Edit:  So, the white candle just burned out. 

I checked the remnants.  There is a name in it.  It's the same name that always shows up in my candles.

Being tired, I thought, maybe this name shows up in all candles that are burned.

I checked the wax remnants of the black candle.  All I saw were two M's and an X. 

I'll take it as an omen. The next guy with that name who asks something of me will get it so long as it is not illegal, immoral, fattening, beyond my financial scope and doesn't involve my breaking my celibacy streak. 

I REALLY like having a lot of shoes. 

Cheerio! 

Dreams of Doggies

Today I am thankful for dogs.

I'm sad I can't have one. 

I tried. 

I swore off men three years ago.  I figured I'd just get a dog. 

Well....that's not going to work, is it? 

*****

I visited a couple of shelters today to see if I could find a dog that didn't make my eyes swell and turn red. 

My first stop was the Dumb Friend's League.  I was picked out by a beautiful pit bull named Darla. 

Darla was anxious.  She paced the kennel back and forth.  She just whimpered and cried.

Her previous owners surrendered her several weeks ago.  She was recently transferred to Denver after a stint in a shelter in Texas.

She's a sweetie. 

I live in Aurora.  The government would kill her.

What stupid, idiotic, selfish, uneducated &$@&*^ (the plural version of a noun not fit for public usage!!!!

She didn't make my eyes swell or my skin itchy.

We saw a cute little poodle named Estrella. 

She picked out the girls.  She really needs a good grooming and her teeth need cleaned.  She has doggie anxiety, too.  We decided not to visit with her unless we could bring her home.  We didn't want to get her attached and then leave. 

I still felt good.  I didn't itch.  I had a little bit of a hard time breathing but it wasn't too bad.

It was manageable.

We left the shelter and drove to the pet store to price supplies and grooming.

This is where we met Thor.  I thought with a Pagan name like Thor, it was meant to be. 

Thor picked me out.  He stared and he cried and he ran to the door and started to scratch to get our attention. 

He'd just been returned by his adopted family because he scratches at the door when he's left alone.

I learned he liked kennels. 

His teeth need cleaned and his bite needs work (it will lead to trouble eating down the road).  His coat was matted.

He seemed bored with his toys. 

We sat on the floor and he jumped in my lap, snuggled my neck and gave me doggie kiss.

My skin started to burn.

My eyes started to hurt. 

I left the store heartbroken. 

I'll probably never get to have a dog.

I grew up with poodles.  We had a black Doberman, her name was the same as the nickname my parents gave me.  That name is Sheba.  My parents were the only people that called me Sheba.

I didn't take crap from my parents.  They said I acted like a queen. 

Everyone else called me Siegfred.

Sheba didn't make me itch, 

neither did any of the poodles. 

I figured I either developed the allergy late in life -or- there was something about those dogs that didn't make me sick. 

I'll probably never know. 

It's sad. 

They say NLP can help people overcome allergies. 

I may give it a whirl. 

The one thing I looked forward to getting after the divorce was a dog. 

I wanted to wait until I knew the dog was safe and wouldn't be harassed, abused or neglected.

I wanted to make sure the stalker wouldn't poison it. 

Now that I can finally get a dog, I find out I'm allergic.

It is NOT fair.

May your dreams not be out of reach so you have a shot at reaching them.

Even when they seem impossible - don't give up.

There may be an answer you haven't thought of yet. 

Love ya,

S.

Disappearing Job Offers

Today I am thankful for job offers.

I had three in the past two months.  Two of them have been rescinded due to Trump's budget cuts.

That's okay.  They didn't pay well.  They were temporary and grand funded and I wanted them so I could learn more about government programs. 

I can't complain if the programs are cut due to a lack of use.

(1) The social worker in me wants to understand Medicaid - I've sold Medicare health plans in the past but really don't know how to help some groups of people (e.g. undocumented immigrants, retired people who never paid into social security or Medicare because they were out of the county or evading the authorities).

The first job only paid $15 an hour but the head of the department promised that I took the job, she'd teach me how to get these kind of people insured.

I couldn't pass that up. 

I was supposed to start the 7th of August.  Now, they're not sure they can afford me.

Sigh....


(2) This job was to help people stuck on unemployment find better jobs.  It was temporary and paid $20 an hour.  I could use my counseling and motivational interviewing background to motivate people to move past unemployment.  Trump cut the budget because unemployment is too low.

Perhaps I wanted this job for a selfish reason.  I see hypnosis clients to help them gain job search confidence.  If I could actually learn better real world skills that will aid in their employment, I could make the process much richer for them. 

*****
In April, the company that bought my former division contacted me on LinkedIN, they offered me my old job at $13 an hour without commissions. 

I made nearly $39,000 last year (after commissions).  They took my commissions away in August after I made $1,000 in a month; they decided to promote me so I couldn't qualify for them anymore. 

A recruiter contacted me last week and offered me my old job back at $16 an hour plus commissions.   I was warned that the commissions never go over $250 a month (sigh...).  I wasn't sure I wanted the job but this young man insisted that I at least hear them out and he invited me to an interview. 

The interview was incredibly short.

It went like this -

I walked into the room and looked around.

I heard my name.

I saw many familiar faces.

It felt like a reunion.

There were only three questions....

Do you still have your licenses? 

"Yes."

Do you still like working the weekends and evenings so you can do your hypnosis thing on the side?

"Yes."

Do you want to start August 7th?

"I'm not sure, I'm considering another offer helping impoverished people find health plans."

At this point I was informed that they'd put me down as a yes. 

I have a temporary job if I want it (and IF the credit, reference and background check comes through spotless).  It'll last through December.  They did promise me the shot at an HR position early next year but sometimes people make promises that they have no intention of keeping. 

I have another recruiter helping me find something for January through July. 

I guess things are looking up.

I'm exhausted.

Don't laugh.  I filled out 44 applications over the past week. 

I have to respond to four more recruiters tomorrow; these are for big name insurance firms that want me to open my own branch office.  I already have the office space and the licenses so I'll look into it.  

I'm looking into it. 

Oh, and a government entity wanted me to interview for an accounting role.   It pays more than I've ever made in my life but I have absolutely no experience with accounting.  I know someone who does but I don't want to get into an argument.

Usually, I ask permission to give the recruiter's names to people I know looking for work with the relevant experience.  This is probably why I have so many recruiters as LinkedIn contacts.  I don't like to leave people who reach out empty handed if I can help them in some way. 

This time.....I didn't say a thing. 

*****

I pray you can stay positive and move through whatever challenge you are enduring. 

May any blocks in your path be dissolved....

may you see the wonderful essence that is you....

may you live your life to the fullest

and may every job you take fulfill something internal for you - may they all be meaningful. 

Remember - if one door shuts, a better one typically opens. 

Love ya lots,

S. 

High School Reunion

Today I am somewhat thankful that I went to my high school reunion.

I toured the school.  I had a conversation with a junior frustrated about her academic prospects, a sophomore about her frustrations with her beautiful hair and a bored hot man engaged to be married to another hot man I adore. 

Each of them had things they wanted to work through.  I did my best to listen.

One of the hot guys is a music teacher.  That's my dream job.  I gave my dream up in college when they told me I'd need to teach math because the budget for music teachers were cut. 

I switched my major to social science\psychology.  I intended to get my Ph.D.  It's hard to do that when you're stalked on campus. 

I do the therapy thing.  That's not fun.  I need to play the role of a human being in public rather than play the role of a therapist.

I toured the school.  I took lots of photos. 

The band has more than twelve participants now.  They win trophies.

Between 1984 and 1987 there were only twelve students in the symphonic band.  Luckily, most of us could play numerous instruments. 

They have better instruments now.  I didn't see a double bass -but- they finally have a baby grand.

Their mixing board was a tad bit outdated. 

I wish I had the money to get them a good one.

*****
The one part of the school that makes me cry is the locker where my old friend smacked his head and left a dent.  He hit his head out of frustration because I was depressed.

My step-father shot himself in the head a few days before and left an apology note for killing my mother.

I don't know how I could not have been depressed.  I probably shouldn't have been in school that day anyway. 

That dent was still there the last time I toured the school (ten years ago).

They replaced the locker! 

Whew....

I didn't wind up crying this time. 

I toured the art room.

I toured the gym.

I saw a picture of a popular football player who graduated three years before I did.  I was happy it was still hanging. 

I was saddened to learned that this man had killed himself on his 51st birthday.  I didn't go to the 1984 reunion.  I was invited.

I was too afraid to go because of the stalking. 

Maybe I could have done the listening thing then?  I knew him....not well....but I knew him.  I went to their twenty year reunion.  They asked that I bring notepads and pens with my business logo on them so they could write down the contact information for their friends. 

Wasn't that thoughtful? 

I need to listen to my instincts and not hide away anymore.

I'll end this post now before I wind up crying.

If you're in pain please reach out to someone - anyone - with kind eyes and an intuitive smile.

Or just call a suicide hotline.  The staffers aren't paid well so you know it's a labor of love.

Love ya lots,

S. 

Stalking Picking Up?

Today I am thankful for a warning I received.

The stalking is continuing. 

It's just changing shape. 

When I asked that any child support paid be sent to the government, my ex started to make demands on my time.  Some of these demands corresponded with job interviews.

I tried to set a boundary.  He could deviate from the court ordered weekend visitation if he gives me 7 days notice when he expects me to drive the kids around for him.  He was asking for Tuesdays and Thursdays without much notice.  He sold the mini-van I gave him so he NEEDS me to drive the kids around to meet him across the city.

The times he chose interfered with my job search activities.  He expected me to drive the kids around town to meet with him; he didn't want to take the bus to pick them up.    If I had a week's notice, I can work my interviews and classes around his needs.  Yes, I'm taking classes to update my skills and retain my licenses. 

Rather than honor my boundary, he chose not to see his kids. 

Now he's pushing to get me into court to lower the child support he's never paid.

The last time we went to court, he complained that it was MY FAULT he rented a room with bed bugs.  The judge cut him off and told him he had to set up a time to bring a cop to pick up his stuff.  The judge gave him 30 minutes.

My ex didn't get a peace officer for a civil assist.  He took more than four hours the first day and 30 minutes the second day to get his stuff. 

His behaviors is a little bit annoying.

I'm a little annoyed at the intrusion of the packet of paperwork I have to send back and a pending court hearing. 

I was offered a temporary job.  It starts August 7th.  It pays 20% less than I made previously but it's a job.  They'll help me gain licensing in another area and they mentioned wanting to potentially keep me on to work in Human Resources given my psychology background.   

To keep the job I have to be available Monday-Friday for the next 8 weeks for training.  If I miss a day, I will be fired.

If I am fired, I will lose my unemployment. 

I'm probably going to have to raid my retirement account to hire another lawyer who can go to court on my behalf so I can actually work

I don't think it's about child support, given the breaks ins and the stalking.  I think this is another means to get information about my life.

The packet I've been sent to fill out feels like I'm sharing too much information with my stalker.

For this reason, I've taken most of the posts down until I figure out what the hell he wants.  I'll sort through them and post what seems safe. 

I'll give some thought to what I can post and what my next steps are. 

Ugh.....

I may reach out to my higher authorities, too. 

******
He has chosen poverty as a lifestyle.

I remember meeting with a job coach and expressing concern that it would take me years to find a job.  I related how my ex-husband is an accountant/auditor who made $50,000 just 18 months ago and he claims that he can't find a job that pays more than $12 an hour.

He's so poor, he needed money from me. 

My job coach told me to have her see him.  I did.  He refused. 

At that point, my job coach told me that he just doesn't want to work.  I had a neighbor offer him a job interview and he refused. 

The problem with his employment troubles is that he makes demands on me.

He needed my mini-van so I gave it to him.  He promised that if I did that, he'd be able to keep his job.

When I demanded that he move out of my house, he "lost" his job.

Then he needed gas money.  He needed me to pay for his auto insurance. 

Then he needed money to travel for business at a time he claims he was unemployed.

I gave the money to him, thinking it would help his career.

It didn't. 

So...I don't know what more I could do.

I don't need to cater to him.

I'm seeing messages come across from him demanding that I take care of stuff that HE was court ordered to do.

I guess I need to check my messages more often.....sigh.

*****
The last time I saw him, he became belligerent. 

He demanded I meet him at a bus station with the title to the mini-van I gave him.  He wanted to sell it.

He wasn't at the bus stop.  He didn't text me.  I figured he took the bus to my home. 

I went home to see if he was on the porch, he wasn't.

I drove back to the bus station and he was incredibly pissed off that he had to wait for me a whole ten minutes.

He missed the original bus.

This wasn't the first time he demanded that I hunt down documents to bring to him either. 

Given his games surrounding visitation, demands that I meet him somewhere in public with paperwork, and demands that I let him come to my home to retrieve belongings (after his time was up)

I'm thinking this isn't about child support or custody issues.

It seems more about control of my time than doing what is best for the kids.

If my ex refuses to work, I've got to find a good job.

Scratch that - my ex REFUSES to work.  I HAVE to find a good job or TWO.

I can't afford to continue to bend and sway to this guy's desires.

If he's not working a full time job, he has a heck of a lot more time to make my life a living hell.

Why can't he be ordered to find a good job?

Maybe it's best that he isn't told what to do.  I don't want him killing the kids to get back at me.

It's probably best just to cave to whatever he demands.

*******

I was trying to be kind. 

What was I thinking?

The man stalked me since 1992. 

Our marriage feel apart in 2001.  He wanted a fake marriage because it would upset his parents. 

He stole money.  He lied.  His family stalked me out of school, jobs, internships and even my own office. 

It took me years to save up for the divorce.

He refused to leave my home after our divorce.

Why would I think the stalking would end after he was evicted?

It's just changed shape. 

I think he's going to start harassing me through the courts now. 

Maybe if I let him skate by without child support, he'll let me move to a more affordable area with better paying job prospects.

This seems to be a game. 

I hate these games. 

I sure hope judges are smart enough to notice when are not always what they seem. 

Love ya lots,

S. 

The Smartelic Thoughts of a Hypnotist

Today I am thankful that I'm a hypnotist.

There are trolls.

These trolls are typically male.

They always think they know more than you.

Like the old friend who tried to explain that schizophrenia is a disorder of nature before he was informed that I had a graduate degree in psychology.

He is in tech and had, apparently, had little exposure to twin studies.

He was cute so I didn't mess with his mind too much. 

Well.....okay....

I did a little bit. 

I gave him the suggestion to go on adventures and meet chicks.

That's all I did. 

He wound up getting injured doing something dangerous. 

I didn't ask about the nurses. 

Maybe? It worked?

I don't know. 

Trolls are fun....so are embedded commands. 

*****

Today I had an asshole at the Congressman's office tell me that I had no voice because I didn't live in the Congressman's district.

Um......

Really?

I know where I live.  I know I have two friends that ran against his boss and lost.

Should I have a go?


I live in the district.  I love, love, love public speaking. 

I know how to get nasty people to simmer down.  That's a trick I WOULD HAVE BEEN more than happy to teach this politician for free.

I'd rather not.

He's being targeted by drama queen loonies who don't understand the purpose of the ACA is to mess up healthcare so much even the Republicans will want universal healthcare.

Tell me you see the endgame.  Don't you? 

No matter what they do with healthcare it's going to become such a clusterf*ck that people will beg for the government to step in and take more power away from them.

Governments are designed to grow.  They want their hands in as many pots as possible, they get more power that way. 

His people lost rapport with me today.  We tend to hire people just like us.  If his employees are asshats, then what is he?.

I could have taught this guy a thing or two.

Well....he's not worth my time. 

It took a lot for me to grow tired of his crap. 

I'll never vote for the RINO again. 

******

The only good thing about running for office is that I have an audience with the allusive arrogant assholes who refuse to give me the time of day before I get nominated or collect the signatures needed to get in the race.

I'm a hypnotist. 

Imagine what I do with that audience.

******

This wasn't the first politician to annoy me online.  I'll share a Democrat story.  Many years ago, when I was new to politics, a Democrat swore up and down that I was a man.  I used my full name.  Yes, my middle name is a man's name.  I changed it when I was hiding.  I really wanted to change it to Tiberius but.....there wasn't anyone else in the city with name.  I wanted to be anonymous so I chose the most common set of names I could.   I was listed in the phone book as S. [guy's middle name] [my common last name].  No one could find me.  It was great!

My given name was Sheila.  I tried to laughingly explain that my parents were worried this would happen so they literally named me "girl."  He didn't believe me.  The joke may have been a lie to help him save face.  My name originally was the name of an Irish fertility goddess.  Over the years, the word meant "bird" then "chick" then, in Australia, it was slang for "girl."

This man has apologized to me since....twice.  It still makes me giggle when I see him in political circles. 

I guarantee he will never assume another person's gender again. 

I now wear make-up and high heels so that NEVER happens again. 

Politicians are.....not the best and the brightest society has to offer.

Perhaps that explains it's appeal to me.

Just teasing.....

maybe.....

******

Anyway a little twerp trolled me a bit.  I'm sure that's why I had the spike in hits to my Facebook page I NEVER advertise. 

I have several pages. 

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS HYPNOTIST SAYS WHEN SHE TROLLED BY ASSHOLES ONLINE?

I say this......

"Step into my parlor," said the spider to the fly.

Few people play with me.

Some of the self-described pick up artists do.

Luckily, I haven't had another one try to choke me.

Maybe that's a perk of getting older.

If they do that, they'll either be kneed, shot or pepper sprayed.

I've lost my patience with annoying flies, I'll just lose them in a hypnotic story.

All hail Ariadne.

******

I thought about the Pagan men I knew.

None of them have ever so much has hit me even when they shared my home. 

None of them have choked me or tried to kill me.

My ex-husband pretended to be Pagan but he refused to take his Pagan things out of this house.  In my faith, he basically dissed the Gods behaving like that.

I've walked away from entire groups who dissed my Gods. 

He wanted a Christian wedding.

Maybe he was faking.

If not, he was probably the only abusive Pagan guy I've met.  He let his family stalk me.  He lied about me to them and told them I didn't let him go to college (he got a bachelor's degree...I helped him finance it).  He also claimed I broke his nose.

I wonder about that.

Maybe believing in feminine power changes the way we view the world. 

My girls don't shrink back at all.  They don't hold back.

One of my daughters recounted a story about a boy trying to mansplain Latin to her while studying for a test. He failed.  She got 100%. 

He couldn't believe it.  He wanted to know how she knew the language.

She's been studying it her entire life!  Geesh!

I would have told him that I practice my Latin cursing men who think they know it all. 

She's got more class than I do.

I've seen my girls with a smart comeback to the point of leaving assholes in tears. 

I wondered if it were a religious thing. 

Pagans don't buy into that whole women are subservient to men crap.

Even when I was Christian, my grandparents were Pentecostal.  My step-father was Native American (from a matrilineal tribe).  My mother was Mormon. My step-father converted prior to his death. 

The people who raised me, they were Pentecostal or Native American.

Pentecostal people don't see gender.  That's why my great-grandmother could be a minister.

Matrilineal tribes distribute power through women. 

Maybe that's why man-splaining just makes me think some guys are in need of ego stroking. 

Someday, maybe, I'll find somebody who would prefer other things being.....you know.....

I can appreciate a man that actually knows what he's talking about beyond a book jacket description but those type of people are few and far between.

Maybe I should start dating men who only speak a foreign language.  That way when they insult me, I won't give a shit.

*****

My biggest fault is that I like to take down monolithic idiots with a smirk on my face. 

People who tell me that I can't do something are typically the inspiration for my doing it. 

I need a new hobby.

When I get my new job, I'm buying another instrument.

An e flat clarinet?

Perhaps a soprano sax?

My kiddos want another bass guitar. 

Maybe I can write the code for an online vexation box that way I can feel the satisfaction of cursing asshats without....you know....actually having to waste my time cursing them and watching them writhe in pain. 

We could make a Vexation Box website.  I betcha I can get that domain.

An app could be fun.  We could have people type in the names of asshats using an animated feather pen and an inkwell.  The name could catch fire and there could be scary demons and evil laughter....

It could be sickly satisfying on some level. 

Hmmmmmm......[neurons firing in contemplation]

I tried my hand at writing apps.  The only thing that tripped me up was the artwork.  I couldn't wrap my head around needing different sizes for different machines. 

I wound up paying someone to create an app for me.  I've never released it though....

I don't want too much attention from my stalker. 

Annoying people have pushed me over the edge.

It's a very fun and strange place to hang. 

Love ya lots,

S.

This is on my Birthday wish list.  I think it is indicative of what door to door salesmen experience at my house (well......unless the salesman catches mice and retrieves huge wasp nests from my gutters. I bought a years worth of his services and left him a hypnotic Yelp review).

Edit:  So...I'm in a Dr. Who mood.  I'm bored so I went to YouTube to listen to my competition.  I found a man who sells hypnotic subliminal recordings that sound like Daleks.  He's not putting himself out there as a professional.

This is fun for me.

I love it! 

I want to know how he does that.  I don't think he does it on purpose.  He must not know how to make silent subliminals. 

I love this guy! 

I listen to his entire playlist when I fall asleep.

No, I don't look like a teenager.  My butt is still huge. I don't have one blue eye and one green eye. 

I think his get married one works because a woman bought me a chocolate chip cookie that said "Marry me" on it today. 

I think it was because it was on the mark down rack. 

I didn't eat it......

so maybe the butt one is working, too. 

It's a shame I can't say who it is. 

He's solved a huge problem for me!  He really has.

I fall asleep and think I'm at war.  I dream of flying Daleks shooting at me through the window.

At least I'm not dreaming about being married and living in Chicago. 

Woo hoo!

That's progress! 

I've got to buy something from this guy. 

I hope he hasn't fixed his mixing process.

I bet he has. 

His newer stuff isn't so fun.  I only hear it on a handful of his recordings (the ruin your life one, the butt one and another one.....damn, I can't remember  what it was). 

So, I'm back to listening to his older things so I can dream of metallic Nazis.

Goodnight!

Sweet freaky dreams, you guys!

Hey, maybe I'll dream that the Daleks make me lose all of my body mass....or that they're liberal swine trying to kill anything that disagrees with them.....this is awesome!

I can make my own lucid dreaming recording.  I just don't know how to make it sound like Daleks.

Maybe if I hang out with my old favorite software, I can figure it out.

I miss Cool Edit Pro.  Audition...just...isn't the same. 


Next Day Edit:  I got 2 hours of sleep last night and I played with my recording equipment.  No.  I couldn't figure it out. 

Dang it!  Maybe I'll just buy a season of Dr. Who and listen to it as I sleep. 

That'll be enough to keep me single! 

Cheers!

Strange Days

Today I'm thankful for a whirlwind of activity.

I interviewed for a position with the state.  It's temporary but it would help me understand the role of Medicaid in the Affordable Care Act.

Sometimes we have to understand the monster that we intend to fight.

They told me they'd let me know if I got the job on Friday.

As a favor, I promised to go to a group job interview with a former colleague.

Within five minutes, I was offered my old job back at nearly the same rate.

It's about $320 less per month than I made previously.  They promised me $300 in bonuses each month.

I guess the job is at the same rate.  That certainly beats the $13 an hour offer they made me last month.

I didn't give a firm answer. 

They took it as a yes.

This company has a habit of over hiring and then laying everyone off. 

I'll have to consider it a temporary job.

*****

Summer is awfully slow in the hypnosis world.  I've only had four new clients this month. 

Of course, they're freebie clients (two are Groupon clients who let their vouchers expire).

At least it will keep me from getting bored and rusty.

Maybe a little change will do me good?

*****

I'm beginning to regret opening that line of credit for my daughter. 

The little girl who was living here tried to corral my daughter into taking her to lunch on the new credit card.

Um....no.

The credit card is for school.  It is to buy her time to pay her outstanding tuition and books prior to her student aid becoming available. 

Yes, it has a zero percent interest rate for a year

 -but-

if she carries a balance, it will hurt our credit.

Part of the intention of getting that card was to build her credit. 

Perhaps I made a mistake.

The only time I carried a balance on my credit cards was when I was married to a dolt who couldn't manage money.

For most of the marriage, I managed to pay it off every month until he lost his job......

and neglected to tell me.

Ugh....

She's never going to learn, is she? 

Maybe she's not ready to change. 

*****

We become like the five people we spend the most time with. 

I used to hang out with movers and shakers.

The stalking changed all that. 

I don't really hang out with people anymore.

I volunteer a bit.

I work when I can.

I guess those are the people I hang out with.

Unless you count the perverted people I grew up with who hang out on Facebook.....

NO....

Yeah, I was corralled into visiting my high school this weekend. 

I don't want to go!  It's not a fun place for me. 

I usually run out of the building with tears in my eyes.

I sure hope they finally got rid of that locker that my old friend dented with his head.  He'd get frustrated with me and take it out on his noggin'.

At least he didn't lose any IQ points doing that. He's still pretty sharp.

*****

I need to find my tribe again.  My tribe are typically motivational speakers, life coaches and authors.

I've got to get back to being myself again. 

Some change is good.  At my age, personality tends to be static.  I can't keep forcing myself into a box that I do not fit in.

I'm more of a do-gooder than a bitchy activist. 

I'm good at bitching......too good.

*****


Yes, I've seen the news.

Dr. Who is a girl. 

I'm not a sexist pig -but- this is certainly going to be interesting. 

It puts me in mind of The eleventh Doctor's panic at the thought that he was a girl.

When he realized he was a male, he was disappointed that he wasn't a redhead. 

You know, the least they could have done was make the thirteenth doctor ginger.

The weirdest thing of all is that....well....shouldn't she be the fourteenth regeneration? The tenth doctor regenerated twice...right?

I guess the war doctor doesn't count?

Who knows....I mean literally....Who knows.

Fortunately, it's all fantasy.  It's a kid's show.

It's okay if it doesn't make sense.

Little girls are stoked at the change.  All the girls I spoke to about it are excited. 

I'm curious about how young men are going to take this.   Up until their teenage years, most boys are socialized to renounce or ridicule anything female.  That's why they pick on girls and look upon them with an air of disgust until they're ready to date. 

This is going to be an interesting social experiment.  Maybe it will change the way kids are socialized. 

*****

They say that a kid will adopt the doctor that he or she grows up with as a role model.

So, that's where I learned that sentence.  I use it almost daily.

Jon Pertwee will always be my doctor.  I'm in the states; we only got to watch Dr. Who re-runs.  We didn't get to see them as they were being produced.  We always saw them several years after they were released.

As a kiddo, I always wanted a car like Bessie.

The closest I will ever get is a yellow jeep with a soft top.

It wouldn't be the same. 

It's embarrassing when I realize that I dress like the third doctor, too.   I like black suits with frilly tops and polished black shoes. 

Damn....I need more dresses. 

Sigh....

Love ya,

S.