Workplace Bullying on a Sinking Ship

 

Today I am thankful that I realized the absurdity of workplace bullying. 

I'm still trying to figure out why I'm living it, though. 

Maybe there is a lesson there. 

So - 

I work in a bizarre place. 

There are frequent crying outbursts on the part of co-workers after visiting with the boss lady.  She lets patients project their crap onto my colleagues.  I get to be the one comforting them.  I lost a great coworker after that happened to her. 

So far I haven't cried at work.  Although I'm beginning to think that she's trying to provoke me. 

At the Christmas party, she was nasty.  She made comments about my curly hair and then told everyone that she's not going to train me for a counselor position because I won't work twenty hours per week as an intern (even though I am a full-time hourly wage worker and doing that could put the company in a world of hurt as it is a violation of Federal Wage and Hour law). 

The comments about my hair and fingernails continued. 

I decided to straighten my hair, lighten it and wear fake fingernails so that I fit in better.  Today I tried to wear false eyelashes.  I took them off when I realized I could accidently provoke someone with arachnophobia: it literally looks like I had gaggles of spiders stuck to my eyes. 

If you know me, you'd know that I'm not much of a fake hair, eyelash and fingernails kind of person. 

I thought I could tolerate it until I obtained my counseling license. 

Then, I was informed I would not be allowed to take time off for classes....

or funerals (as the two people who raised me died of Covid and the person who acted as my step-mother died of cancer all in the span of nine months). 

 Other people are allowed to take time off. 

Sigh....

A few weeks later, I was driving down a highway getting ready to merge onto another and was quickly presented with a horrible choice: I could hit a huge piece of road debris or hit a tiny Hyundai with two elderly women in it. 

I chose to hit the road debris which tore apart my wheel and I managed to drive my hobbled car to a point between both on-ramps.  Cars can be replaced, people not so much. 

I called my boss within seconds of stopping the car to tell her I may not be in.  There may have been a panic attack. That was the sign of weakness I'm pretty sure she's trying to exploit. 

(will post picture of resting spot when I stopped)

I sat there for several hours waiting for the tow truck. 

(will post picture of dusk at the very spot). 

Four fireman, a woman with the Department of Transportation and two police officers tried to rescue me but the traffic was too heavy.  The cops never gave up and eventually stopped the flow of traffic enabling my tow truck driver to rescue me. 

The very next day, the bullshit started. 

I was called in to her office as I arrived to work and told I never fit in with the company (although I'd been there two years and worked in a different office).  Then she proceeded to berate me for wanting to work with the homeless.  She said something about having a source share information with her but refused to name the informant. 

I took copious notes and was very proud of my self-control.  Typically, I laugh when people try to intimidate me. 

Maybe that respectable asshole my Fender Precision is named after taught me to conceal my amusement.  Should I donate to his next election campaign in appreciation?  Hmmmm....he makes a better politician than a City Attorney (our views are surprisingly similiar).  That's the only reason I respect him.  

This was about the time that nerves got the better of me and I became a klutz.  

A couple of weeks later, when the janitor left large amounts of water on the floor, I slipped on my backside and jammed my only good knee into the wall.  I never saw a doctor though because they can't do anything for a strained coccyx.  

This is when it started getting annoying. 

At least once a week, I'd be called in to her office over some gossip on the day I returned from my weekend.  I'd be called in the moment I entered the workplace. 

I continued to take detailed notes figuring I may need to hire an attorney.  Strangely enough, some of the conversations border along the lines of religious persecution. 

The ridicule in staff meetings continued.  She'd growl about my energy (but not go into detail).  She'd blame me for stuff that happened when I was gone.  She never gave me eye contract.  It was bizarre. 

When she got the responses back from a company survey that was SUPPOSED to be confidential, the shit really hit the fan.  She stopped looking at me (as if I were the one who gave the one dissenting opionion about her leadership skills....truth be told...now, there would be two dissenting opinions....gossip and bullying are hardly leadership skills). 

After a while, she stopped conducting the meetings.  I finally realized she was calling me in to her office about five minutes before the meetings were about to begin and keep me there just long enough to miss key information. 

The meetings with her are bizarre.  I get told that she has a source digging up information on me.  There are bizarre accusations.  There is gaslighting.  

The complaints range from my religion, my hair, my energy, the fact that my goals are too lofty for my position, that I allegedly hypnotize everyone (huh?), that I am wrong that it is illegal to have a full time hourly employee intern for 20 weeks at the same company at no pay, that I don't understand that there are ethical and legal gray areas in the field.....

it just gets weirder and weirder and there is too much to list. 

Of course, there was that day I spilled an ounce of fingernail glue on my pants resulting in second and third degree chemical burns on my legs, labia and buttocks and was told that I needed to find someone to cover my shift before going to the ER.  There was no one who could cover for me.  I worked my shift. By the time I got to the hospital, they couldn't do anything for the chemical burns and much of the area had no skin left on it. 

I guess I'll never freak out at the thought of a chemical peel again.  Nothing could match the pain of that incident. 

Talk about being in pain.  The pain in my knee and backside had nothing on the pain from the chemical burns.  The burn on my labia still has not healed.  The doctors say that there is nothing they can do.  I can tell you that if that happens to you, maxi pads will keep the scabs from rubbing off due to the friction of your clothes (putting that out there in case it helps anyone but praying no one else ever endures this....it sucks). 

Even after that, I still get called to the crazy meetings.  Every meeting left me with a large amount of notes. They often do things that are a violation of Colorado law (demand I delete all my social media, demand that I do not go out in public when I'm not working, demand I stay on the property during unpaid lunches, refuse to pay my commute when meetings are in two different offices an hour away from each other.....this person has NO concept of local law). 

It's causing a discrepancy within me that may need mental health care. I'm a libertarian who believes that the government is just too darn big and I'm not really one to run to the government to complain when someone is breaking the law (especially if it is a victimless crime).  On the other hand, they are breaking the law and could be ripe pickings for the EEOC (given my age and the crazy things they're demanding - including only promoting people willing to train during a free internship). 

This is not to mention some of the weird stuff I hear from patients but I don't see it because I don't work the same hours this stuff allegedly happens.  My hypothesis is that the boss lady controls via gossip and somehow rewards people for coming up with crazy stories. 

*****

I got a new gig and needed to take some selfies for my internship (at a different company so I don't do anything unethical). 

I look sad and tired in all the pictures because I took them after work.  

I'm wondering if curly hair is unprofessional.  If so, why wouldn't anyone have said anything to me earlier in my career? 

My practicum supervisor called wanting to know if something was wrong.  I didn't tell her everything.  I just said that I needed to find a new job.  When pressed, I told her about the burns, the bizarre meetings (just not the content) and the fact that I cannot take time off for classes or funerals. 

Hearing all that come out of my mouth made me realize that I'm working in a hellish place.  I began to have a panic attack. 

I think it was panic attack.  My face went numb.  I wrote to the HR department asking for the numbers to the EAP and told them about smacking my knee into the wall.  This was when I learned that my initial report was never forwarded to them. 

After this conversation, I've cried a lot.  

The company I work for is well known for self-disclosure from the therapists (which is unethical).  Most of the therapists are addicts in recovery.  I'm not in recovery.  This is probably why I'm being bullied.  I'm finding myself wondering how many of the complaints made about me are based in projection on the part of some unknown person (it could be my boss is vague because she's reporting stuff second hand and doesn't have all the details....I really don't know because she won't tell me where the information is coming from). 

That and I showed weakness by expressing anxiety after nearly hitting two old ladies in a shoddily made tin-can of a car. 

So - 

I don't know.  

The bullshit is killing my drive.  I know that HR doesn't really care about workplace bullying.  I'm tired of comforting other people being hurt by people in charge.  It's gotten to the point where I'm spending a lot of money buying stuff for the facility and celebrating my comrades on their special days just to keep morale up.  

Recently, I've decided to stop donating to the company because it's not appreciated at all.  

I'm wondering what bullshit I'm going to hear about myself tomorrow and wondering if I should I record it for yucks and giggles.  My state is a one party consent state. 

Maybe I should just call a lawyer. 

That's not my style. 

Maybe I need to do just that.  

I only need to work another 400 hours to get my license.  Maybe I can work for the local homeless shelter to do that. 

*****

Today, in an act of total defiance, I darkened my hair and saw a hairdresser about regaining my tight curly locks.  My hairdresser said that hair discrimination is illegal (not for Caucasians).  My only living aunt reminded me that they initially thought I was of mixed race and worried that I wouldn't fit in anywhere (which now explains all the conversations they had with me as a child about beautiful mulatto girls who couldn't do anything with their lives because society wouldn't allow it - good thing I didn't believe them...). 

She told me to stop messing with my appearance. 

I'm realizing that there is more going on than meets the eye. I'll go crazy trying to understand it. 

The hardest lesson I've ever had to learn is that one cannot logically get into the heads of people who act on emotion without going crazy.  

This company is probably going through something that is horrific. We've lost a lot of people to attrition since Covid hit.  The cost cutting is probably going to lead to the company being sold. 

I think I know why long term employees have recently quit without notice.  They were probably bullied out of there. 

Everyone I know is telling me to quit. Maybe it's true.  Maybe my boss is right? Perhaps my focus on ethics does make me a cultural misfit.  I'm too new in the field to know which gray areas apply.  That is something that comes with experience.  

I'm working on a resignation letter and debating calling the local EEOC office (even though that's really not my style).  Calling the Feds could be my last shot at protecting my colleagues. 

Maybe I should call her boss.  She invited me to do just that but shut me down when I sung her boss's praises (I've worked with her boss much longer than her). 

I'd rather just get a gig on the licensure board because I want to hit people who break the ethical rules and try to get away with it by claiming it is a "gray area."  

I just work the wrong hours to see what is going on.  If I don't see it or hear of it first hand,  I cannot report it. 

I guess I know what I've got to do.  

Let's just hope they don't give me any more ammo.   

If you are being bullied get the heck out of dodge before they kill your drive and creativity.  Up until today I was convinced that I wasn't cut out to be an addiction counselor because I wasn't an addict. 

It's a shame.  My boss is brilliant and she has a lot to teach anyone willing to listen.  I just wish she wasn't so darn creative with vague gossip (or whatever she is using to justify those bizarre meetings). 

Life is too short for bullshit. 

Please....protect your mental health at all costs. 

Love ya, 

S.  

Next Day Edit: 

For months, I'd come to work to see that everyone had straightened their hair. 

Today, it was beautiful.  One colleague actually curled her hair.  Her hair rivaled mine.  What a wonderful act of defiance.  I think a Starbucks gift card is going to mysteriously appear on her desk. 

For the past several weeks, I was beginning to doubt if counseling was good fit for me.  I finally realized that I can get people motivated without bullying them (unlike a woman who shall go unnamed) I should be okay. 

My blood pressure was 159/101 today. 

Hey, at least I'm alive.  

I'm sure it'll drop like a rock once I'm out of the heckhole. 

Stay safe and sane. 

Hugs, 

S. 

EDIT: 05/02/ 2021

I know who the bully ringleader is.  I caught her saying something my boss was trying to talk to me about but couldn't give me details.  She's the one shaking all the time and popping anxiety meds like candy.  She told my boss I had "bad energy." 

She told me to quit (more than once).  I don't know why she's saying that.  I assume she's thinking of leaving so she projects that on to me. 

I found out she's asking another colleague to badmouth me.  That colleague cries silently to herself when we are alone at work.  I'm wondering......if she's feeling guilty. 

So....It's 3:00 a.m.  I have a box of black candles, some sulfur and a lot of hot cayenne pepper. 

This is going to be a test of my self-control.  

There are six candles.  

I pray there are six tomorrow.  

But first, I'm going to block the troublemakers on LinkedIn because I think that's were they are getting some of the information they twist to give to the boss. 

First thing Monday, I'm calling an employment lawyer. 

I may call my my boss and her supervisor depending on the advice from the lawyer. 

I've had enough. 

Life is too short for the antics of insecure people and the people who reward bad behavior. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit 5/3/21

I couldn't sleep.  I replayed all the insults from the bully ringleader I heard last night.  In the past when she's insulted me, I had just assumed she was socially inept - it makes more sense that she's insecure and in need of attention.  

She complained unmercifully about work.  I'd bet those complaints are going to go back to the boss and credited to me.  It's possibly what's been going on all along. 

Someone told me that she has recruited another colleague to smear me in meetings that I do not attend.  The other colleague is the one who cries silently to herself.  

I don't know whether to be mad or sympathetic towards these people. 

Sigh.....

There are still six black candles unlit. 

There are three messages to local attorneys. 

My resume is complete.  

My resignation letter is complete with the exception of the dates. 

I have the phone number to a couple of government agencies, too. 

Now, it's time to send out a plethora of resumes. 

My boss taught me that "secrets keep us sick."  She's right.  She's a great teacher. 

This will probably be her last lesson for me. 

I need to reveal the secrets that could harm the organization and the work that they do.  It's time to consult with a lawyer to make sure what she is doing is actually illegal before contacting the Feds and the local authorities.  

Then I'm going to start meeting with my more liberal political frenemies.  

Everything happens for a reason.  

Edit 5/15/21 - 

My boxx fired the colleague who curled her hair. 

It could be that we were nearly the same age and she, too, was injured at work.  I only messed up my knee and coccyx.  She broke the tip off of her nose after tripping on a crack in the floor. 

This place needs to be shut down. 

Love ya, 

S.  

OMG

 

Today I'm thankful for make-up - 

it's a shame I don't have a poker face. 

Well....

I was supposed to come up with a headshot of myself for my new gig. 

My photographer is busy. 

I'm busy. 

*****

Back in the day, I modeled a bit. 

How hard can it be to take a selfie? 

(uh oh)

Work was done around 1:15 a.m. 

I grabbed my cell phone camera. 

My lip gloss was smeared during the first ten photos (so I look like Harley Quinn). 

My mascara smeared during half of them. 

I look like a panda in those pics. 

The ones that I could see myself (because I wore glasses) had a lot of glare from the lenses. 

When I got a load of my frizzy hair, I understood why my boss wants me to straighten my hair. 

I straightened my hair.  It's now 3:00 a.m. 

She's right.  It does look better. 

*****

There are some photos that don't look too bad, unless you look in my eyes....

I look exhausted, annoyed and not a lot of fun to be around. 

I think I'll put that one on LinkedIn!! 

The one where I look like the Joker....with red running down my face....

maybe I look more like a vampire who had a little too much to drink....

That picture is going on Facebook. 

On the bright side, all my high school buddies can thank their lucky stars that they didn't grow up to look like me!! 

Sigh - 

At least I don't look like a Geezette. It pays to have a phone with a horrible camera.  The bad pixilation hides the wrinkles.

Maybe I'll pose with my Covid mask so you can see the real reason I'm single. 

I gotta wear the mask.  Don't want to promote irresponsibility so I can appease the fearmongers. 

Let my think about it. 

Love ya lots,

Okay....

please forgive me for being too tired to open my eyes.....

.this is Siegfred in her Covid Mask....

this is possibly the reason people hate me....

Nerds.....

we are just misunderstood. 

Don't hate us because we're smart 

(or smartasses)....

Hugs,   

S

Binge Worthy

 Today I am thankful for for all those unexpressed one liners that I haven't yet published. 

Yep. 

It's been busy. There are numerous unfinished posts on this thing now. 

I'm in school,  starting a new private practice and working a full time job where I'm being bullied.  Bulling behavior is the funniest shit ever....seriously.... I'm thinking of blogging it because addiction counselors can be bizarre comedians....if they target me**.  If they target the patients then the events just turn in to annoying paperwork I possibly have to do for the state regulatory board or time I have to pay for in consultation with other professionals to determine if I need to report the issue as an ethical concern. Most of the time, the behavior isn't exactly ethical but it isn't quite illegal.  I've been lucky so far because I don't want to ever have to report anyone again.  

A couple of decades ago, I reported one marriage and family therapist who blamed a victim of domestic violence for marrying a dick head who put her in the hospital.  He threatened to give full custody of the kids to the abusive turd because the woman "chose" to marry an abuser.  Luckily, the lady at DORA knew him and said she'd talk to him.  He NEVER said that crap again.  Later on he had a radio show and seemed to understand that abusers can behave prior to getting married and hide who they are.  They choose to abuse and know just when they can get away with it. 

A few years ago that therapist became a stalking victim.  Someone on my Facebook feed threatened him.  I warned him and pointed him to the post.  Sadly, he knew about the creepy person and hasn't been in the spotlight since. 

Must've been karma.  

Yep, I'm lucky. 

Don't know if my luck will run out soon. 

I'll have amazing synchronistic adventures and start to blog about them only to fall asleep before I hit publish.  

Then I'll have a creepy dream and wake up sad. 

*****

People tend to binge watch television when they are depressed. My binge worthy shows are Battlestar Galactica, Star Wars and Star Trek. 

Sometimes the Punisher or Venom.....

Mostly, I enjoy the wisdom of Star Trek.  

I'm beginning to think my subconscious mind is predisposed to the nostalgia of relics

-or- 

maybe it's just a holodeck. 

So -

Fortunately, I'm getting pretty good at lucid dreaming. 

While I dream of a person from my past all the time, I'm pretty good at moving on to other things in the dreams. 

I had a dream where he apologized to me.  I said 'no worries' and took off hiking to admire the pine trees by myself. There was one where I'm in the supermarket and look up from the apples to see him, I take off looking for shoes (at the supermarket....only in a dream would they have stilettoes at a King Soopers).  

There were others where he's there and tries to talk to me, I'll respond briefly before finding something in the dream to ogle (usually shoes, guitars or dresses).

Those dreams aren't so bad.

After weeks of these kinds of dreams, I'll feel somewhat normal.  I won't be afraid, or worried, or praying or concerned that I care too much about this relic from my past. 

Then today

it was a nightmare....

in which 

he's speeding down the mountain highway (I-70) and losing control 

of a dark vehicle with a grey interior. 

I wake up just as he's about to crash into the side of the mountain. 

Then I wake up crying and praying that he gets what he wants and needs. 

Within hours it flippin' snows (gotta learn to be more specific when I pray)....

and my auntie calls me asking me to drive her and the doggies to the mountains. 

Ugh.....NO! 

We'll go to Colorado Springs instead. 

Why in the world am I dreaming of this guy? 

Maybe the answer is in the next scene: 

I just need to decide if I'm too old to love -or- if I can find someone else to love differently. 

As much as I've tried to set my life up as to not have contact with males, it's not working very well. I've met some fine men with the same hobbies as mine. 

Maybe.....someday....when I'm a tad bit less busy and freaked out.....

I'll see where I'm at. 

Yeah, I have this sordid belief that if I make fun of the dream and share it publicly it won't come true.  The ones that I kept to myself came true.  I'm an INFJ, too many of my horrible dreams have a tendency to come true. 

This one, I'll make public in the hopes that it won't. 

If someone has a dark vehicle with a grey interior, I beg him to take it to the shop before heading towards Genesee. 

Hopefully this is just the crap stuck in my subconscious mind and there is nothing to it. 

May you find what you need and hold on to it. 

Don't make the stupid mistakes of a scarred up little old lady who had forgotten how to live. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll write about the sheer number of homeless folks I meet walking around in the snow with electric guitars (no cases) 

just a duffle bag and a guitar. 

I may have to start walking around with a bunch of $20 bills, a few waterproof gig bags to give out and my acoustic guitar. 

Maybe I can get a couple of these folks to let me pay them for lessons. 

The Divine always brings you that which you need - 

you just have to keep your eyes open. 

Love ya, 

S. 

**Well, I may just have to hire a lawyer.  Darn it!  Just about every day I get called into the boss's office and some stupid lie or accusation gets thrown at me. Today it was bizarre, untrue and could cost me a my license IF it could be proven. 

I never did what she claimed I did.  Proving it would be pretty flippin' hard.  

Yeah - someone's making up stories.  Maybe I should blog it as though it were true?

If it is not something I'm prone to doing, it will be awfully hard to stay in character. 

What do ya think?  That is the point of this blog, to make fun of lies and gossip.  

The lie I heard about myself today makes me think that the boss is digging up crap about me on the web to harass me with and she's retaliating against me for asking for Workman's comp to get physical therapy after that fall I had. 

Shoot - 

Maybe I'll just have to keep the joke going. 

Sigh......

Fortunately, I know several good occupational lawyers.  

Hmmmm......

It may just be easier to go back into private practice and bank my opinion of this company until lawmakers want to discuss reasons NOT to increase the funding for organizations that play around with impoverished people.  

Right now, I'm realizing that the taxpayers are not getting their money's worth.  Providers accepting Medicaid are basically making more money than providers that take private insurance right now. 

I don't know why they'd give people on Medicaid less treatment. 

Hopefully, I see something different from this organization before my opinion cements and I throw in the towel. 

There is only so much harassment a woman can take. 

You ought to read my work diary. I thought my stalker's family told tall tales! My boss (or someone who wants me fired) is prone to tall tales. Maybe I can save them and write some fiction or somethin'

With each and every bizarre lie I hear, the less respect I have. 

Truth be told....real politics is much easier to stomach than office politics with a bunch of insecure mean girls. 

Sigh - 

Hugs, 

S.