I voted

Today I was somewhat thankful for the person who watched me vote.....

I made him laugh.

I have a bad habit. 

I didn't know I had a bad habit. 

Someone else pointed it out. 

When I vote against an issue or a person, I say "fuck you" under my breath.

Fuck You Donald Trump.

Fuck You Hillary Clinton.

Fuck You Gary Johnson.  I'm Pagan.

Ah....I voted the Atwood/Huber ticket.  They've always left me inspired. They'd probably be upset if they knew I wasted my vote which is why they're running....to prove a point. 

But...I'm not going to piss off Liber/Libertas just to vote for someone who represents a party who dissed my Gods.  In fact, the Libertarian Party disses the God of the Forest by their very name.  They may want to apologize for the antics of their affiliate in Florida.

********
Fuck You 3a/3b.

Fuck You politicians pushing Amendment 71 - they want to prevent another taxpayer bill of rights.  They're trying to undo TABOR.  A couple of times we've put tax rebates on the ballots.  I think they're scared that they'll pass.

In fact, Fuck You to wage hikes.  Fuck You to tax hikes.

Fuck You to all Arapahoe County judges, except Carlos Samour, jr.   He didn't scowl, put forth his middle finger, or do banishing pentagrams in the air (what I'd do) in the presence of James Holmes.

He got my only "yes."

Holmes said something about an evil NLP practitioner.  There aren't many of us in Aurora.  I guess I could conjure something special for him.

I'm in a bad mood. 

I'm the redhead who drives past the toll signs on 36 making banishing signs in the air.

Why the hell should we pay for those toll lanes more than once?

*********

I voted for one Democrat.  She gave me advice that helped me get a lien off of my house.  It was put on after my divorce.  It didn't belong to me. I'm not happy about her anti-gun stance.  She's probably right that I'd shoot my kids because they resemble my stalker.  I tell ya what....if I were comfortable carrying my gun, I'd be more likely to help teenagers who wind up with flat tires or out of petrol on the side of the road.

Her rival is almost as much of a Democrat as she is. 

I voted for one Libertarian.  She didn't scoff at Pagans.

Everyone else got a "Fuck You."

*********
It's weird what people notice about you when they're watching. 

I wasn't aware I said "fuck you" as I filled in the boxes.

I'd post a picture of my ballot with my middle finger raised -but- there is an unconstitutional law on the books in Colorado that would get me arrested.

Read about it here: http://www.denverpost.com/2016/10/24/ballot-selfie-colorado-lawsuit/

To the self-serving asshats in power who fail to serve the people - "FUCK YOU"

Maybe I'll quit being so pissed when the government quits forcing me to live in a creepy, dangerous situation.

I've figured out what to do. 

It's a good day for voodoo.

Love ya,

S.

T-Shirt

Today I am thankful I decided to be more stealthy.....


I went shopping. 

I found a t-shirt.  It was Marvel branded.  It was soft.  It was my favorite color and had the symbol of my favorite comic book character.

It was on sale.

It was $2.99.

I'm serious. 

I was excited.  I stood in line before I realized that I would never wear it.

I prefer lacey and flowery things.

I am a bitch.

I am a witch.

I will win. 

I will put a stop to the madness and punish those at fault.

Why advertise?

I put it back at the front of the rack in case someone else wanted it.

**********

I'm still pissed at the judicial system.

I'm still pissed at my ex and his pity party. 

There are times when I fall for his crap.  He needs my money.  He needs my help because it'll take him four years to find a job and move out.....or so he says.

You know what?

He doesn't deserve my help!!

He betrayed me.

He ran to his family with lies and let them stalk me.

He asked them to go to my high school sweetheart's childhood home with the stuff he gave me.

That's creepy!!

He didn't want to deal with the issue when we were married.

He yelled.  He screamed.  He told me to divorce him.

When I asked for COBRA he told me to get a damn job.

I did.

He's unemployed!!

If he wants to live here with me, he needs to treat me better.

He needs to get help to stop the stalking and explain it to me.

He won't.

He can't live here.

He is doing stuff that scares me.  I don't know if I should share it.

I've got to take this to another level.

I spoke to a hoodoo practitioner.

She told me how to solve the problem without killing people....

and without Hot Foot Powder.

I'm on it.

*******
So it's my house.

He'll decide that he needs to chop the wood in the back yard.  He'll harass the kids into going out and help him.

If they don't want to help him....

he gets very angry.

I don't want him to chop up the wood.  I don't want the kids to do it. 

He's trying to control our time and energy.

It's disturbing.

I can't believe an Arapahoe County Judge is okay with allowing this guy to live here for 60 more days.

I'll never forget this......when I talk to the judicial activists......I'll remember.

If the county wants a tax hike.....I'll remember.

As I visit the graveyard tomorrow to visit with the residents, I'll talk.  You'd be surprised who has parents at Ft. Logan Nat'l Cemetery.

Samhain is my favorite holiday. 

I'll visit with the departed soldiers.  I have my favorites.  There is one at the west gate who I bring Mexican Pepsi to, two or three times a year.  Another one likes Old Spice.  There is a woman who likes Jontue.  There is a third who likes coffee.

What I need to do is find the graves of departed police officers and give them each an offering.  Maybe one of them can help with the stalking. 

I found a grave of a Pagan Soldier.  Maybe I'll bring him something, too. 

The veil is thin.  It's a good day for making friends. 

I'll let you know what happens.

Love ya,


S.

Justice?

Today I am thankful that I can name my confusion. 

My ex pleaded guilty to the contempt action. 

I only asked for remedial contempt.

At the time I filed the action, he was allegedly working.  He was guilty then.

He lost his job three days later.  He cannot pay me the money he took.  By reason, he is not guilty.

The judge argued with him. How could he be guilty if he cannot honor the order now?

My ex said he was guilty.

The judge read back the divorce agreement.  He agreed that my ex has stayed here too long.  That he had the ability to give me the property settlement and move out when he was supposed to move out.  That he could have paid child support when he was working.

He set the motion over for sentencing

then.......

THAT COUNTY JUDGE GAVE MY EX 60 MORE DAYS IN MY HOME!!!!

Sixty days.......

Sixty days of hell.....

of missing mail....

of hacked computers.....

of broken phones......

of games and crap. 

Sixty days!

Things have happened that I don't write about.  Last week a White Dodge Ram followed me home and pulled into my drive way behind me......it pulled away when I grabbed the phone.

I don't know if it is Doug.  Doug drove a White Dodge Ram.

My ex tried to tell me that Doug drove a White Ford when he harassed me.  I remember the truck.  I remember the streak of dirt on the rear top of the cab near the reflector.  I remember the silver ram on the back gate.

Stress causes people to be hyper vigilant. I can tell you that Doug wore a blue plaid shirt.

I can't get a restraining order against my ex.  I could get one against Doug if the cops would take police reports.

The police don't take police reports.  They tell me that my ex is just messing with my head and that if I remove him from my home, it'll all be over.

It won't be over until I move.

I have to repair the house to sell it so I can move.

I don't understand why I have to deal with this any longer. 

I gave this guy money to move out.  I signed my car over to him.  I paid for his auto insurance so he could go to job interviews.

I feed him.

I have to continue this game for another sixty days!!!

Why don't family court judges understand controlling men and domestic violence?

Our lawmakers are worse.  I just saw a Mike Coffman commercial where he claims he helps victims of domestic violence.

How? 

I respect Mike Coffman -but- seriously????  He thinks he's helping???

Um......no.

Manipulators know how to mess with the system.  They are good liars.  People buy into their crap....smart people....like police officers.......and judges....

The problem is the structure of the family court (and the uneducated judges....sorry, but if a judge can't see that an abuser who pleads guilty and seemingly gives everything up is a dangerous man, he doesn't understand domestic violence.....there is a chance the kids and I are in danger if this guy tries to kill himself.....this can lead to famlicide...to put it bluntly....there are assholes who kill their kids and intend to kill themselves so the batterer and the kids can live in the afterworld together). 

Yeah, it is true that justice is blind to the wrong things. 

If lawmakers want to help victims of family violence, change the structure of family court.  I met a man yesterday beat within an inch of his life.  The person who did this still has custody of the kids....that person paid the bond.  That person is awaiting sentencing.  That person still has the kids.

Where is the justice for him?  Sure...the criminal court pressured the couple to divorce.  In criminal court, victims are protected.  In family court, anything goes....the state isn't there to protect him.  The court system becomes an abuser enabler. 

Just like they won't protect me.  Don't get me started on lawmakers trying to make guns and ammo expensive.  It was hell trying to protect myself early in the separation process.  He controlled the money.  I could only learn to shoot because of the kindness of others who were willing to train me and help me earn my certificate.

Sad, isn't it? 

Guns and ammo are the only threat keeping me breathing....well.....sort of....

The demonic witchcraft gossip bullshit may help keep the superstitious assholes at bay.

Ugh....It shouldn't be that way.

Maybe I need to get back into politics and gut some funding.  Politicians are not doing anything decent with the money we give them. The money goes to creating groups that do very little to help the people they swear to help.

The shelters turn battered women away because, to quote a worker at Gateway, "once you leave, you're homeless.  We're not a homeless shelter."

Then....judges let these asshats use the system. 

These guys and gals know how to abuse the system.

The county wouldn't collect child support unless my ex moved out.  My ex never did.  Why move out if squatting in someone's house can save you a ton of money?

Ugh....

Maybe having a Mad Max justice system would be fairer!!!

There is no help for people who are stalked.  There is little help for victims of domestic violence.  What the hell are we paying for?

*********

Well....it is Samhain.....I'm said to be a witch. 

I guess I'm on my own with this one.

The first two times I cast the anti-stalking spell people died.  First it was my father-in-law.  He cornered me in my kitchen pissed off that I was learning Spanish.  He'd drive by my home every afternoon when the kids were coming home from school.  Second, I was told Shannon died.  I don't know if that's true as there was never an obituary nor is she listed on the SSA Death Index.

Shannon was the one who would harass me on campus, call my employers, stalk me during meetings and on dates after the divorce.  She was allegedly engaged to Doug.

Doug isn't done. 

The last time I cast a spell to stop the stalking, I requested that no one die.  Michael lost his job.

I hate casting spells.  They fill me with negative energy.

Stalking fills me with negative energy. 

I may as well light another black candle. 

I'm going to do a little experiment with rusty nails and coca cola.

I'm off to cry in my sleep.

I fear I'll never get away.

Love ya,

S.

Edit sometime later: I've been pondering the whys of the situation.

Why?

Why did all this happen?

Why did Michael plead guilty?

The answer has to be to stay in control.

If we had a trial, I may learn more about the stalking than he wants me to know.  A guilty plea ends the conversation.

It all makes sense now. 

Not Getting My Mail

Today I finally understand why my credit cards aren't working.

I received an email from my bank.  It appears that someone is sending my mail back.

Ugh...

This never ends.

My auto insurance company wants me to cancel my policy to get my ex off of it.  Apparently, someone may have called to cancel me from my own auto insurance.

The games get old.

There is a contempt of court hearing tomorrow.

My lawyer doesn't think anything is going to happen. 

My ex didn't pay me the full amount from the property settlement.  It took him about a year to share it with me as he didn't want to give me the money until I broke up with the guy I was seeing.

When I broke up with Steve, I got some of the money.

My ex has never paid child support.  According to the county, he doesn't have to pay it so long as he lives at my home.

This may be why he refuses to move out after agreeing to move out on October 21, 2013.

He was employed the first two years after our divorce.  During those years, he refused mediation and I was afraid of pissing off his family of stalkers so I didn't push the issue too hard.

Those were scary years.

When I got my job, he lost his.  I filed the contempt action when he claimed to have a job where he'd make $40,000 a year. 

He lost his job just a few days later.  First, he said he quit.  Now he says he was fired.

I'm not sure a judge can do anything if he's unemployed.

He's not looking for work.  I'm trying to get him to visit the local workforce center but he refuses.

He claims the City of Aurora is going to get him a job and housing.

A job....okay. 

Housing and I'll have a conniption.  He can go live with his stalkerish family.

The city can house the battered women that line the fence of Cherry Creek State Park.

Or maybe the homeless guys I see from time to time on East Colfax.

Don't reward manipulation. 

We'll see.

I was informed the judge probably won't ask him to move out despite my dropping $4,500 on a lawyer.

I have a crush on a guy who owns a lot of property.  I asked him for the name of his eviction lawyer.

The lawyer is from my home town.  I've got a good feeling about him.

You can't live with your stalkers, harassers and abusive exes.  It's crazy that the court system expects me to put up with this.

If a guy doesn't want to pay child support, he doesn't have to.  All he has to do is stop working.

If I'm not supporting him, though, he's going to have to get a job to put a roof over his head.

I'm curious to see what is going to happen next.

Love ya,


S.

Asshole Games

Today I am thankful that I caught on to asshole games.

I balanced my checkbook today. 

I put everything on a credit card so I can get the cash back and I pay it off at the end of the month.  The marriage killed my credit and I'm trying to get it back.

I have the auto insurance taken out of my checking account.  As I was looking at the ledger, I noticed my auto insurance payment was only $36.00.  Not $97.00.

Michael is still on my auto insurance because he refuses to leave my house.  I fear any liability if he wrecks his car, so I kept him on the policy until he moves out.

I haven't seen the new declarations page.  He checks the mail.  I asked to see it.

He didn't know where it was.

Oh....

So...I tried calling Amerprise and they were closed.

It took awhile but I figured out how to create an online account, something I've avoided doing because of the stalking....and the hacking.....

Low and behold - MY CAR WAS REMOVED ON 08/11/2016!!!

I've only been paying for HIS auto insurance.

I added my car back using an online form.  I left a message for the company asking if I needed to get another home and auto policy so I can remove him from the administrative functions.

This will never end, will it?

I'm shopping around for new auto and home insurance.  I'm a licensed insurance agent in eight states and D.C.  It was the cheapest way for a self-employed hypnotist to get health coverage. 

The ex game bites.

*********************************

I've spent $4,500 after the divorce to get this guy out of the house. 

We finally have a court date on Friday.  My lawyer said that the judge probably won't ask him to leave.

I spoke to the Sheriff.  If the judge won't get rid of him on Friday, I'll take it to another court.

The restraining order is harder.  He's asking his family to harass me.  I can only get restraining orders on Doug V3ga, Rhonda K0z10wsk1 and the people who have harassed me in the past......

Not the guy who has admitted to giving them keys to the house and asked them to harass people I know.

One of them pretended to be an Ameriprise agent. 

I need to get new insurance.

So long as they know who my insurer is, they can use that to try to intimidate my kids into letting them into the house.

They guy pretending to be the insurance agent nearly hit me head on in the street as I was taking the youngest to school.

He was not an agent for my auto insurer.

**********************************

My ex expects me to continue paying for his auto insurance.

I don't want to do that. 

I'm paying for his food.  He's mooching off me for water, electricity and rent.

He's taking over my house.

I'm tired of subsidizing my own misery.

He must have removed my car from the policy.

I can't imagine what else happened.

He may have been mad that I wouldn't let him borrow my car last August.  He was fired because he did not have transportation.   

I gave him my van.  A guy from Centurylink hit it.  They gave him $1,980.00 to fix it.  It needed a radiator after the wreck. He didn't fix it. He spent the money on a phone and business cards.

It's not my problem. 

**************************************

I am disgusted with the lawyer.

I think there is a trick with family lawyers.  I think they size up the amount of assets you have and then decide that they won't work until you pay them a percentage of that amount in legal fees.

In the future, I'm going to ask how much money they require to start actually working on the case.

I'm not going to ask how much they want for a retainer.

I'm going to ask how much money they need to put a stop to the crap.

It must be a racket.

It's sick.

****************************************

I guess I have to take the bus until I figure out what is going on with the insurance. 

I am really angry at the games.

I can't buy his food if I can't drive my car.  I can't go to work if I can't drive my car.

If I can't work, I can't support his lazy arse, either.

People like that can't reason, can they?

He's got to go. He was supposed to move out on 10-21-2013.

He is still here!  He's refused numerous mediation sessions and he's ignored my lawyer.

It's getting old. 

Love ya,

S. 

A Breakthrough.....Maybe....

Today I am thankful for the Sheriff's office.

I learned that my lawyer doesn't understand domestic violence and control issues.  He doesn't think I can get a restraining order because he doesn't think I'm in danger or have any reason to be afraid.

He thinks I let my ex stay here.  Nope.  I've asked for mediation several times and that is probably a matter of record on my file with the courthouse. In fact, I hired this lawyer six months ago to get him out.  My ex is still here.....$4,500 later. 

My ex refuses to leave. 

I am looking around for another lawyer.  I need someone that understands my issue.

This guy doesn't get it.  

Few people do.

The police said they'll help me if they can catch my ex acting out.  He's been on pretty good behavior lately.  If he punches a wall, they'll help me get a restraining order. 

That hasn't happened since the divorce.

I still find it hard to believe that I have to share my house with a guy who is having me stalked and asking his relatives to contact people I knew in the past.

I'm uncomfortable.  Why do I have to live with someone who makes me uncomfortable? Why do I have to allow this person access to my phone and my computer?

This person knows my routine.  I'm sure that helps with the stalking behavior. 

I'm afraid of his family.  He has told me that he has given them keys to my house in the past.

Why can't I change the locks?

This is scary.  I feel like my life is on hold pending his departure. 

I spoke to someone who told me to call the Sheriff. 

Luckily, the Sheriff listened.  I can't say what I was told to do but it seems much more hopeful that sitting around paying a lawyer $1,500 every two months to have his paralegal email me every month or so to ask how I'm doing and to tell me to wait it out.

I'm feeling hopeful.  I'll let you know when it is over.

Love ya,

S. 

Frustration and Anger

Today I am thankful for anger.

I lost it today.

My lawyer's office called and wanted a third retainer.  They were informed that I was going to begin interviewing other attorneys because nothing has really been done on my case.

I wanted to get a restraining order a while ago and was informed that I wasn't in danger.

Now...mind you, my attorney and his staff are older folks.  He's over 65 as are the majority of the people he associates with.

I flat out said I'm going to the courthouse and I'll get a restraining order.

Why?

My computers have been damaged.  My phones are constantly breaking.  Internet accounts are hacked and I was just informed that my ex-husband wasn't lying when he said he called his cousin and asked her to track down an old flame's mother to return things given to me in 1986.

He did this without my knowledge or permission.

This scares the holy hell out of me because my old flame's mother most be into her 70's by now.  This little factoid got the attention of the people in my attorney's office.

My ex allegedly did this right before this old flame contacted me.  I'm wondering if they approached his mother and that is what triggered the contact.

I'm wondering if Michael just said that to upset me. 

If they bothered her, I wonder if they've left her alone since. 

I wonder if they or anyone else I know is in danger.

I didn't mention the latest round of crap.  There is a lot of crap.  When I type it out, I really realize how stupid and mind-bending it really is.

I love this lady......Wiser words were never spoken.  If you're in a fire, don't waste time.  Get away.

Mind Bender

#1.) I asked my ex-husband to call his mother to ask if he can stay with her.  Surely, she'll need help around the house.  He told me NO because I said that his cousin said he was dead to his mother.  This is where the mind fuckery begins - it begins with twisted sentences like "you said...so and so said....that another person said.....and that's why I get to do whatever the hell I want."

In hypnosis we call that a confusion technique.  If you say complicated stuff to analytical people, the go into trance.

What I said was that his cousin found me at a grocery store shortly after my ex-husband told me to go to the store to get tortillas.  I was supposed to be at work but they gave me the day off with pay. I don't know how he knew that I wasn't at work. I stopped at the store closest to my location.  His cousin met me in the store and told me that Michael was dead to his mother and, basically, that he had to live with me.

I thought my ex-husband, Michael, told her to say that to me to give him an excuse to live here. 

My concern was how she found me.  I wasn't sure if it was a coincidence or another stalking incident.  Mind you, this is the same cousin who allegedly was asked to harass my old flame's mother at her house, at least twenty years after I last dated her son.

Creepy....creepy.....

Crazy Disrespectful Crap

#2.) He apologized for the garage smelling like gasoline and mentioned something about taking gas out of the lawnmower for his van.

He promised to take the kids to school, so I gave him $20 for gas. 

I won't do that again. That was dumb.  Yeah....I'm dumb.

I told him not to park in my garage because I don't want him to do that again.  Besides I need the space to park my broken car. 

The gas thing scares me because my dad was a fireman and having gas all over the floor is a fire hazard.

He's still parking in the garage.  This is not the first time I've caught him and smelled gasoline in my garage.  Maybe giving him money for gas will keep my home from burning down. 



Idiots Colluding with Abusers

#3.) I'm debating filing a complaint against his therapist (with Aurora Mental Health...his name rhymes with the name of the actor who plays the twelfth doctor......Capaldi).  This guy doesn't seem educated enough to deal with abusers as he bills himself as a "men's issues" therapist.  The problem is that abusers use their therapists to excuse their crap.  If I had a dime for every time I heard (a) my shrink thinks your making the stalking up, (b) my therapist says that you can't talk to me about problems we are having because I need to relax, (c) my therapist says that this is an unhealthy situation and you need to just let me stay as long as I need to stay...your needs, desires and wants do not matter even though this is your house and you're paying for everything (implying that it is unhealthy to talk about it and set expectations like adults), (d) my therapist knows you think I'm the stalker but I have to stay because I need a job and he's trying to get me into a job training program (so....I have to be stalked for the benefit of your client? Um....why not try to deal with the lack of responsibility which may be why he can't hold a job...and rewarding bad behavior really does nothing to extinguish it....besides if he'd stop being an abusive dick, he'd have a place to stay until he finds a job.  He can't behave....so.....the job training program probably won't help unless he can utilize it in a homeless shelter).

it goes on and on...

Here is the rub.  My ex has NOT been referred to an AMEND group or any counseling that could help him take responsibility for the abuse.  He comes back empowered to abuse.  It's freaky!

My understanding is that individual counseling alone does little to change controlling men.  They need to get into a batterer intervention program. 

I only have a Masters degree in psychology.....and I was stalked out of my internships...so what do I know? 

I know how to get political shit done. 

At one point, I was told that the City of Aurora was going to give him housing. 

I vow....I flippin' vow to go after the City Council if they do this.  I drive by countless homeless women on my way home from work.  Many of them are victims of domestic violence.  Some of these women were run off from a highway ramp by Aurora cops.  This off-ramp belongs to the State of Colorado.....not the city.   

Help these women first.....Don't reward abusers.

If the city dares give an abuser an excuse and shelter I will put together a group for the sole purpose of working to close down Aurora Mental Health.  After you guys messed around with the ballots for a tax hike initiative to support this poor excuse of a mental health center, I've lost faith in the organization.  

That's a promise from a tea drinkin' Sheila in Aurora.  

This wouldn't be my first rodeo. This cowgirl sure gets tired of dealin' with bull.  When trying to control animals, ya gotta do what the other cowpokes do. 

Let me grab my lariat! .   

Yee Haw! 

I'm not thrilled with Arapahoe House either - letting women get raped on their property and then pushing the cops to arrest the victim so they are too intimidated to sue.... is beyond disgusting.  It's time to find another alternative.  Don't reward abusers with free housing.  Don't award sexist assholes who allow women to get raped with city contracts.

Yeah...maybe the counties (Arapahoe, Douglas, Adams) are better served to provide human services in the area.

Here is another promise.  I made this one in 2009, remember?  If I or the children are injured until such time as I can get this person out of my home, I will sue the city.  I will sue the cops and human resources department for the crap they pulled in 2008 - they fired him for allegedly throwing me into a wall (never happened) and refused to investigate the report.  After that, he became really obnoxious knowing the cops wouldn't do anything and the stalking because more frightening than ever.  I probably won't get too far suing them for not taking police reports for the stalking (but....it would make for some bad press...so I'll throw it in). 

I will sue the therapist for not warning me.  The therapist has got to know my ex is abusive by now....come on....he's living with an ex who knows he's asking his family to stalk her and people connected to her! 

Seriously......I'm wondering if a tiny DORA complaint may cause this guy to get some extra education. I've complained once before about a Master's Level Guardian Ad-Litem.  They forced him to get training.  It's not pretty dealing with someone working outside their scope of practice. 

You don't empower abusers.  You send them to a batterer intervention program so they can answer to their peers.   

If you turn a blind eye to domestic violence, tell me are you able to take action in the face of child abuse? Or do you excuse that as well?



There is more.  I don't really have time to type everything.

I was told by the legal beagles that I need to get more legal advice before getting a restraining order.

This hurts me.

It's not something that I feel I need to do for myself.  It's something that I need to do for other people.

If this guy has information about people from my past, present and future.  They could be in danger.

I feel the need to continue isolating myself and destroying anything from my past to keep people safe.

I pray Michael was lying to me about Tom's mother.

She's Christian.  I don't dare do a protection spell on her, it would be disrespectful.

I'll cast a binding spell on Michael and his family.

I'm sorry.

I had no idea things were this crazy. 

I cry about this a lot.  I'm not sure when it will end.

I keep my head down when I am in public.  I can't make friends.  I cannot talk to people.

I have to be alone.  It's isolating and hurtful.

I had a man approach me with roses yesterday in a grocery store parking lot.  I don't know who he was.  He offered them to me.  I thanked him for making me smile and told him that I was allergic (a lie)....and wished him a beautiful night.

I can't make friends. I can't have other men near me.

This is very maddening and sad.

Have you ever gotten so sick of someone's bullshit that you just throw up your hands and scream "Get Away???!!!"

I'm tired.

I wish it would stop now. 

I'm sick of people colluding to allow it to continue. 

This has made me so crazy that nothing scares me.  Nothing.  I'll do whatever I think will spare other people from this fate.  If therapists need skewered by DORA or a community mental health facility that does more harm than good needs shut down - so be it!

Crap....I've become accustomed to getting harassed.  Running for office and being picked on for being Pagan doesn't really phase me.  Having politicians harass me won't bug me.  I used to fear public speaking more than anything - then I was stalked. 

You don't know fear until you've been stalked.

You know what?  I'll just hire someone to fix my yard to thwart code enforcement (that's how local politicians harass activists - code enforcement).  

Local politicians created this monster.  I would have been happy with my guitars and pendulums if they had just left me alone in the first place....but no....they got greedy and cocky. They stole my money, lied about me and then spread a bunch of gossip they claimed my abuser told them to try to shut me up.

That didn't work, did it? 

I'm becoming the stuff that fill the nightmares of politicians and shitty policy makers who need to learn one lesson: Keep your people in line or someone else will. 

For the people on the city council on the Aurora Mental Health and Arapahoe House board of directors:

Clean up the mess you made before other people see and hear about it.

Give me room to focus on my pendulums and guitars.  The best way to do that would be to stop allowing people to do stupid shit with taxpayer funds that brings you back into my attention. 

Trust me.  You don't want my attention. 

Fix the problem...now.  It's only a matter of time before the secrets blow up in public.


Love ya,


S.

The Inadvertant Comedians Running for the Oval Office

Today I am thankful for Donald Trump.

He is a barrel of laughs, isn't he?

He always was. 

Trump lost my vote when he used eminent domain to harass an old lady in an attempt to steal her house in New Jersey for a casino or some other stupid project.  Yeah...I'm old enough to remember that.  It disgusted me.  I've never cared for the man and I was happy our paths would never cross.

I am libertarian.

True libertarians hate eminent domain.

Eminent domain is the opposite of freedom.  Donald Trump doesn't care a hairy rats ass about freedom.

Neither does Clinton. 

She's not much better.

Gary Johnson is a pothead who represents a party that hates Pagans.

So....they all suck.

Every....single...candidate....... stinks

Since our options for the highest office are horrible, we need to be careful who we vote for locally.  Fill the House and Senate with decent people so the President won't matter so much. 

I guess I'll vote for whomever the actors can impersonate to the point of making me laugh the most on Saturday Night Live.

Let's see.....


-or-



-or-



Some people don't need actors on SNL to make us laugh.

Donald Trump says assholish things. 

Today's laugh was this gem "Women who can't handle harassment should teach kindergarten."

I've handled more harassment than I care to handle. I'm tired of it.

I'm a hypnotist.  I'm not harassed very much.  When I can actually talk to the asshole, the harassment ends quickly.

Even if the harassment is on the part of a horrible person trying to street hypnotize me.  I'll go back when I don't have my pepper spray and teach the guy what he did wrong.

There is a really good way of dealing with street harassment. 

No self-respecting male asshole wants to be shot by a woman wielding a pink gun.

Do you feel lucky punk?

I have a theory about Trump.

I think he's a friend of the Clintons and that he's running to try to get her elected.  He's being so stupid and so nasty that he's running around trying to piss everyone off.

He managed to divide the Republican Party.

As they say....divide and conquer.

He's giving the election to Clinton. 

I wonder how much it cost him to win the nomination of the Republican Party.  I'm not asking about campaign money spend on ads and PR.  I want to know how much he had to pay people to put him in the position he is in.  Whose votes did he have to buy?

On the bright side, if the country goes to hell at least these comedians are going to leave us laughing.

Love ya,

S. 

Relaxed........Maybe?

This week I've been thankful for the flu.

I hit my head two weeks ago.  I've had bouts of vertigo ever since.

I pray to Asclepius. It gets better for a few days.  I vow to donate organic fruit to the food banks in his honor.

I can't imagine a better sacrifice. I'd been having trouble finding a food bank that will accept anything other than money.

When I realize I haven't kept my promise, the vertigo comes back with a vengeance.

I met a lady at the store today who heads a food bank for a Christian Church. They won't turn my sacrifice away.  As she puts it, their God works in mysterious ways. 

I think the vertigo is trying to teach me something.  I had my first bout of vertigo on August 19, 2008. An ex asked me out to lunch.  I had framed one of the drawings he gave to me on Christmas 1986.  His ex wife stole his artwork.  He was happy to get something from his past back.

Feelings I won't admit to came flooding back.  I swear he was having trouble, too as I could smell the valerian on his breath.

I took off.  He fled.  I wound up in the emergency room a few days later.

I prayed.  I meditated.  I realized that my heart and head couldn't decide whether to fall or stand still.

I made myself sick.

I'm making myself sick again.  I don't know why.

I think I know why.....

It's a long story.

I'll try to explain.

****
When I was fourteen years old, my mother died. 

I was shipped off to live with an aunt who gave me $2.00 a week allowance. This aunt hated my mother.  I looked just like my mother.

Let's just say I was treated like a redheaded step-child.

One day.....I went to a yard sale and found a lot of old records. These were extended version records of 70's bands. They were singles but full size records.  They were labeled "not for sale."

This was a yard sale of a former disc jockey.  I bought everything I could with the money I'd saved.

I fell in love with a band named "Chic."

I loved listening to Nile Rodgers.

I played the records over and over and over.

I loved it so much my grandmother gave me a ukulele.

She's right.  Rodgers' playing is similar to that of a ukulele.

My friends wanted to start a band.  No one....I mean no one....wanted to be the bass player.

No one. 

One day, I'm listening to "Good Times" and these words will stick with me forever....

"Don't be a drag....participate."

Being a bass player couldn't be that bad......at least I'd be doing something. 

Maybe.....I could be as good as Bernard Edwards if I tried hard enough (still hasn't happened...never will....I'm me....).

My step-father bought me a Peavey T-40 a few weeks later.

It was my first love.

My second love was the guy who gave me vertigo.

The band never took off.  They keyboard player and the guitarist are my stalkers (they are Michael's cousins). 

*******

I've always loved Nile Rodgers.  When I shared that with my ex-husband not too long ago, the house became a shrine to the great guitarist.

I don't understand.

I told my ex-husband I liked a musician and everywhere I went he played Nile Rodgers music. 

It became a tad bit too much.

I realize now that my ex-husband was trying to reconnect with me .

******
I made the mistake of telling him that I used to watch a lot of Dr. Who.

For about six months, my ex-husband watched Dr. Who day and night starting with William Hartnell and watching everything he could find on Netflix. 

I caught him watching Matt Smith.  Matt Smith looks like my childhood friend Patrick.  He's the  married guy who calls me up on Valentine's Day when he's had too much to drink.

I'm not sure if it is Matt Smith or Patrick who makes me swoon.

I don't answer the phone on Valentine's Day anymore.  The last conversation turned into a bitchfest because Patrick never forgave me for dating the guy who gave me vertigo.

He's married to a hot chick!  Why can't he see the beauty of the life he's been given?

I'm makes me cry.

******
I think when we get stressed out and forget to take care of ourselves our bodies respond by making us sick.

I caught the flu.

I've been in bed for the past week.

I've watched a lot of Dr. Who.

My past came flooding back to me.

I've worn a 55 ct. Sapphire signet ring my entire adult life.  I remember now.  It was inspired by William Hartnell.   The first doctor used a huge blue signet ring to hypnotize people!

I'm a professional hypnotist.

I always carried jelly beans/candy/lollipops in the pocket of my brown overcoat.  I think I do that because of the second, fourth and sixth doctors. 

Jelly Baby anyone?

You haven't seen my scarf, have you?

Or my penchant for crazy hats?

Or my question mark lapel pin?

Oh my...it's just a tv show!!

At least it is supposed to be.

When I was a child, I was raised by people who had no lives except what they saw on TV.

My family members were Trekkies.  They'd work the local Science Fiction convention so they'd get to meet the stars of their favorite shows.

When I was a child I met James Doohan, Nichelle Nichols, Richard Hatch (creepy dude), Dirk Benedict, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee and Peter Davidson.

Yes, I met doctor #2, #3 and #5.

I'm trying to remember Troughton.  I just remember him sitting there and offering his autograph. 

I do remember that he played the flute on TV.  I never carried a flute around because I didn't want the boys to get any ideas of what I'm willing to blow on.

Jon Pertwee left me a little starstruck.  He knew how to make conversation.  He gave me his autograph.  He was nice, kind and charismatic.

He had gorgeous hair!

Peter Davidson was quiet.  I remember his teeth.  At the time my teeth were broken.  His were not straight and it didn't stop him from smiling.  I decided I'd smile a bit more after meeting him.

I think that changed my life. 

I feel so old when I admit to meeting these men.

I am old.  I can resonate with the idea of looking young and feeling ancient!

As I lay in bed coughing with vertigo, I wondered how much I let this fandom impact my life.

I watched as much Dr. Who as I could.  There is one scene that sticks with me.  It made me cry.  If I can, I'm buying this season of Dr. Who for all of my artist friends who like Dr. Who. They need to see this scene.

Wanna see it?



I'm sobbing now. 

I realize that I resonate most with a character named Amy Pond.  I had my Rory.  I let him go and when I see him now he gives me vertigo.

Oh....woe is me. 

Not really.  Things happen for a reason.  I don't know what reason things happen. Maybe I'll figure it out in a few years.

Who knows?  Maybe in an alternate reality, I actually figured out what he needed and he found it. 

Maybe it is this reality.

Sigh....

I do have a Doctor Who fantasy now.

Wouldn't it be awesome to regenerate?

I'd party more if I could get new kidneys.

**********************************

May you never lose track of the things that influence you.  Maybe figuring out where I came from will help me get back to being myself again.

Oh....and my Rory had been on my mind a lot lately because my ex-husband admitted to asking his cousin to track him down a year before he met me**.

I wasn't aware of this until a few years ago.  I thought Michael was lying about it.

He admitted to doing it again. 

I'm hurt. It's stalking.  It makes me embarrassed and sad.  I pray the vertigo instigator is finally happy and with the true love of his life.  I'm sorry he got mixed up in this. 

Sometimes loving someone means leaving them alone.  All that matters is his happiness.  If I impinged upon that, I'm sorry.

Take care of yourself.  We only have one body.  We don't travel in time. 

We've got to take the chances we need to take today. 

We've got to be honest about life, love and our dreams.

We've got to take care of ourselves so that we can be with the ones we love as long as we can.

You can get so stressed that nothing matters.  That's what happened to me.  Nothing stresses me out anymore.  Nothing scares me. 

I don't know what matters.  I don't know who I am.  I just do what I want to do. 

I guess that is the ultimate in being stress free. 

I guess when you give up - the pressure is truly off. 

Love ya,

S.

** It gets worse.  My ex-husband now says he asked his cousin to take items given to me by my childhood friend (aka Vertigo Instigator) to his mother's house!

He did this without talking to me.

He did this at a time he claimed he was not talking to his cousin due to a falling out.

He did this when someone went through my walk-in closet and started taking my childhood things out of a bag and leaving them about the house.  I'd find old love letters, artwork and things long lost around the house.  My ex never admitted to going through my things.  He did know what the love letters said.

There was one letter I never read.  It was given to me after Vertigo Starter and I broke up so I could go to college. I didn't know that for 20 years.  My ex-husband found the note that explained the break up, read it and told me.

All I knew is that my high school sweetheart broke up with me after I was informed of a scholarship to a music education program.

I never put two and two together.

It didn't really matter.  We broke up.  All good things must come to an end....right?

I'm highly protective of my former sweetheart and his mother.  When I was an orphan, she mentioned wanting to adopt me but couldn't because her son liked me too much.

I always wanted to be like her.  I always wanted to be the kind of mother my high school sweetheart has.

I'll never be as wise and loving as I remember her to be.

I have to admit I'm angry.

Why would my ex-husband send someone who scared the crap out of me to my High School Sweetheart's mother's house to give away things I forgot I had?

This sounds too weird.

It really does. 

I hope the judge grants my restraining order.

I'm also really embarrassed because (1) it took me too long to figure out what was going on and (2) other people I care about have been sucked into this.

The second point is why I isolate myself.

I don't think my isolation is going to end anytime soon.

This blows...

I feel stupid....really stupid....angry and stupid.

I pray my ex-husband is lying to me to get my attention. 

I'm glad I got rid of all those things and returned the drawings years ago so my ex-husband has nothing to harass these people with.

Stalkers.....they'll do anything.....they'll threaten anything to get your attention.

It's annoying.

Altered Perception

Today I am thankful for a knock on my noggin'.

Yeah, last week, a huge rotisserie oven fell on my head.

I collect 99 cent crap at Goodwill on Sundays.  They have five week crap cycles.  If stuff stays in their store more than four weeks, it will go on sale for 99 cents on Sunday.

You have to wake up early for the good deals.

I've gotten myself a nice fondue set, a huge rotisserie oven, a bread maker, a crepe maker, a wok and all sorts of funky kitchen stuff this way.

If I use it, it sits on the counter.  If not, I store it on a set of shelves in my dining room.

I never used the rotisserie oven.  I wanted to try something new.  It was on the top shelf of a cabinet. 

I grabbed at it.  It fell on my head.

I was dizzy for about a week.

The first day, I went for a drive.  I must've thought it was 2009.  I wore a dress.  I stopped wearing them after a guy who shall go unnamed humped my leg and made a mess.

That was in 2012.

I wound up driving to my older office and visiting the guitar store just down the street.  I visited the consignment shops and bought dresses. 

I fell in love with a bass. I don't remember why I didn't buy it.

Then I realized I was listening to a Kylie Minogue Album that came out last year.

I went home in a daze. I slept a lot.  I would go to work, come home and sleep. 

I'm still sick.

It was a strange experience.  It was like everything made sense but nothing made sense.

It's strange.  When you're sick.....your priorities change.

It's like I can see what was never said.

I'm embarrassed for not being able to see those unspoken needs.  I'm also pissed off that people don't take responsibility for the things they need.

I realized that an ex would only visit me because he was interested in me.  For some dumb reason, I thought he only visited me so I could hypnotize him to do stuff (e.g. date) and help him relieve his pain.  I remembered why I really unfriended him on Facebook, he made posts about limerence that made me uncomfortable.  I didn't want to think those were about me. I kept telling myself it was about another woman.

Now, I'm not so sure.  Maybe I owed it to him to talk about it.  I just didn't want to get too nosey. 

I don't know what boundaries are.  At least I struggle with them due to the stalking. 

I was stalked when I met with him.

I realized that the stalking picked up because he was in my life. 

I realized my ex-husband was always jealous of this particular ex.  He always made cracks about a guy with his name.  It took me ten years to know who he was talking about.

It's a long story.  These men have never met.  My ex-husband has a lot of friends and family who went to school with me.....and they know things about my teenage years that I'd rather keep silent.

Thinking through that - while I lay in bed with the room spinning due to my head injury - I realized that the marriage isn't over to Michael.

He was joking about the divorce.  It's a game to him.  Yes, we are divorced on paper but he never followed through because he couldn't give up the control.

The job loss and other games are to justify him staying here with me. The damage to the house is to prevent me from selling it. 

It doesn't matter what I want.

He still acts like we are in our sexless marriage.

I can't get away.  I can't date. I need to be alone.

It's hard to explain.  This bullshit is a continuation of the abuse that I endured in our relationship.  I did manage to get a court date in two weeks -but- fear a judge will force me to live with my ex-husband or forgive him of his past due child support and the money he stole.

We'll see.  I just don't trust the legal system.

I've also realized that I can love a lot of people and not be with them.   I am having trouble coming to grips with the concept of loving someone while I live in this situation.

There is an evil movie out there.

It is called Me Before You.  It's about a woman who falls in love with a recently paralyzed man.

It hit a little too close to home for me.

I'm sure I've met a soulmate.  I knew his voice the instant we met.  For the past year or so, we've spent hours every day talking about music theory, synthesizers, bass guitars and music.

He spent the 80's helping homeless kids.

I was a homeless kid in the 80's.  I was able to get myself an apartment and help other homeless kids.

He was my favorite disc jockey.  He admired how I took on the local government.

He is beautiful.

He is just a few years older than I.

He makes me see the truth about myself.

He wants to help the poor.  I want to help the poor.  My life is just messy.

He asked me one question...."If not now, when?"

That was profound.  I need to do my good deeds now.  I can't wait. 

He is Christian.  Nothing will sway his religion.

I am Pagan.  It took a lot of soul searching, in those sleepless nights with my head injury, to realize that nothing will tear me from my Gods.

Nothing.....no political party (stupid Florida Libertarians).......not even love.

Nothing.

My beautiful friend is in a wheelchair.  Another friend wrote a book on intimacies with people who have his condition.

I shouldn't have read it.

I had erotic dreams for a month.

And some stupid filmmaker romanticizes assisted suicide for people with his condition (for shame.....what an arsehole.....I'm tempted to throw a curse his way so he can learn empathy for people with that condition but my friend wouldn't approve....so I'll behave).

Suicide isn't hot.  Kissing someone you love is hot.

I don't necessarily care where his lap is when I sit on it.

People are adaptable.

Love is love.

Love is the basis of life.

My friend is Christian.

I am Pagan.

Nothing can sway his path.  Nothing will come between me and my Pantheon.

It was weird realizing that I love him.

I enjoy his companionship. 

It's something that I don't have in my private life.

I can't have it because I hide too much.  I don't answer my phone out of fear I'll be tracked.

I'd be a shitty partner now.

His star is about to rise soon.  I can't tell you how or you'll know who he is.

He'll meet another woman on his tour......one more fitting....one who will honor his faith.

I know this. 

It hurts.

I pray Aphrodite helps him find her sooner rather than later so our feelings don't grow.

*****

Five days after my injury, I made my way to my office.

I had a man walk in.

He was two years older than I.

He was beautiful.

He was handsome.  He had Warhol white hair and had the deepest blue eyes.

He was a small business owner.

He was nervous around me.  He wiped his precious fingerprints off of my desk.

He had a trusting soul which he spilled out to me.

The Gods had brought me a mirror.

He wants to date.  He was divorced (almost as long as I've been alone).  He cannot date.

He shared his reasons...one...by...one.

He sounded exactly like me.  He said the exact same things that I say to myself when I am near beautiful men looking for a connection.....

He is "broken, half a person, unwanted, unattractive and too old."  He's developed health problems and no one would want to support him or love him.

I referred him to the person I would want my brother to see a licensed therapist/hypnotherapy trainer who is a specialist in men's issues.

At that moment, I realized that I wasn't ready to go back to work.  I still had vertigo from the oven falling on my head.

I came home and cried for this guy.

How could someone so kind hearted feel so bad about himself?

I said another prayer to Aphrodite.

Goddess please.....help people see the beauty in who they are!!!

I'm still cycling.  I'm still crying. 

I'm having trouble thinking.

I'm wondering.....

Do I have too many excuses?

How do I sort them out before I get too old? 

I have no clue.

May your dreams all come true in painless ways.

Love,

S.