Relaxed........Maybe?

This week I've been thankful for the flu.

I hit my head two weeks ago.  I've had bouts of vertigo ever since.

I pray to Asclepius. It gets better for a few days.  I vow to donate organic fruit to the food banks in his honor.

I can't imagine a better sacrifice. I'd been having trouble finding a food bank that will accept anything other than money.

When I realize I haven't kept my promise, the vertigo comes back with a vengeance.

I met a lady at the store today who heads a food bank for a Christian Church. They won't turn my sacrifice away.  As she puts it, their God works in mysterious ways. 

I think the vertigo is trying to teach me something.  I had my first bout of vertigo on August 19, 2008. An ex asked me out to lunch.  I had framed one of the drawings he gave to me on Christmas 1986.  His ex wife stole his artwork.  He was happy to get something from his past back.

Feelings I won't admit to came flooding back.  I swear he was having trouble, too as I could smell the valerian on his breath.

I took off.  He fled.  I wound up in the emergency room a few days later.

I prayed.  I meditated.  I realized that my heart and head couldn't decide whether to fall or stand still.

I made myself sick.

I'm making myself sick again.  I don't know why.

I think I know why.....

It's a long story.

I'll try to explain.

****
When I was fourteen years old, my mother died. 

I was shipped off to live with an aunt who gave me $2.00 a week allowance. This aunt hated my mother.  I looked just like my mother.

Let's just say I was treated like a redheaded step-child.

One day.....I went to a yard sale and found a lot of old records. These were extended version records of 70's bands. They were singles but full size records.  They were labeled "not for sale."

This was a yard sale of a former disc jockey.  I bought everything I could with the money I'd saved.

I fell in love with a band named "Chic."

I loved listening to Nile Rodgers.

I played the records over and over and over.

I loved it so much my grandmother gave me a ukulele.

She's right.  Rodgers' playing is similar to that of a ukulele.

My friends wanted to start a band.  No one....I mean no one....wanted to be the bass player.

No one. 

One day, I'm listening to "Good Times" and these words will stick with me forever....

"Don't be a drag....participate."

Being a bass player couldn't be that bad......at least I'd be doing something. 

Maybe.....I could be as good as Bernard Edwards if I tried hard enough (still hasn't happened...never will....I'm me....).

My step-father bought me a Peavey T-40 a few weeks later.

It was my first love.

My second love was the guy who gave me vertigo.

The band never took off.  They keyboard player and the guitarist are my stalkers (they are Michael's cousins). 

*******

I've always loved Nile Rodgers.  When I shared that with my ex-husband not too long ago, the house became a shrine to the great guitarist.

I don't understand.

I told my ex-husband I liked a musician and everywhere I went he played Nile Rodgers music. 

It became a tad bit too much.

I realize now that my ex-husband was trying to reconnect with me .

******
I made the mistake of telling him that I used to watch a lot of Dr. Who.

For about six months, my ex-husband watched Dr. Who day and night starting with William Hartnell and watching everything he could find on Netflix. 

I caught him watching Matt Smith.  Matt Smith looks like my childhood friend Patrick.  He's the  married guy who calls me up on Valentine's Day when he's had too much to drink.

I'm not sure if it is Matt Smith or Patrick who makes me swoon.

I don't answer the phone on Valentine's Day anymore.  The last conversation turned into a bitchfest because Patrick never forgave me for dating the guy who gave me vertigo.

He's married to a hot chick!  Why can't he see the beauty of the life he's been given?

I'm makes me cry.

******
I think when we get stressed out and forget to take care of ourselves our bodies respond by making us sick.

I caught the flu.

I've been in bed for the past week.

I've watched a lot of Dr. Who.

My past came flooding back to me.

I've worn a 55 ct. Sapphire signet ring my entire adult life.  I remember now.  It was inspired by William Hartnell.   The first doctor used a huge blue signet ring to hypnotize people!

I'm a professional hypnotist.

I always carried jelly beans/candy/lollipops in the pocket of my brown overcoat.  I think I do that because of the second, fourth and sixth doctors. 

Jelly Baby anyone?

You haven't seen my scarf, have you?

Or my penchant for crazy hats?

Or my question mark lapel pin?

Oh my...it's just a tv show!!

At least it is supposed to be.

When I was a child, I was raised by people who had no lives except what they saw on TV.

My family members were Trekkies.  They'd work the local Science Fiction convention so they'd get to meet the stars of their favorite shows.

When I was a child I met James Doohan, Nichelle Nichols, Richard Hatch (creepy dude), Dirk Benedict, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee and Peter Davidson.

Yes, I met doctor #2, #3 and #5.

I'm trying to remember Troughton.  I just remember him sitting there and offering his autograph. 

I do remember that he played the flute on TV.  I never carried a flute around because I didn't want the boys to get any ideas of what I'm willing to blow on.

Jon Pertwee left me a little starstruck.  He knew how to make conversation.  He gave me his autograph.  He was nice, kind and charismatic.

He had gorgeous hair!

Peter Davidson was quiet.  I remember his teeth.  At the time my teeth were broken.  His were not straight and it didn't stop him from smiling.  I decided I'd smile a bit more after meeting him.

I think that changed my life. 

I feel so old when I admit to meeting these men.

I am old.  I can resonate with the idea of looking young and feeling ancient!

As I lay in bed coughing with vertigo, I wondered how much I let this fandom impact my life.

I watched as much Dr. Who as I could.  There is one scene that sticks with me.  It made me cry.  If I can, I'm buying this season of Dr. Who for all of my artist friends who like Dr. Who. They need to see this scene.

Wanna see it?



I'm sobbing now. 

I realize that I resonate most with a character named Amy Pond.  I had my Rory.  I let him go and when I see him now he gives me vertigo.

Oh....woe is me. 

Not really.  Things happen for a reason.  I don't know what reason things happen. Maybe I'll figure it out in a few years.

Who knows?  Maybe in an alternate reality, I actually figured out what he needed and he found it. 

Maybe it is this reality.

Sigh....

I do have a Doctor Who fantasy now.

Wouldn't it be awesome to regenerate?

I'd party more if I could get new kidneys.

**********************************

May you never lose track of the things that influence you.  Maybe figuring out where I came from will help me get back to being myself again.

Oh....and my Rory had been on my mind a lot lately because my ex-husband admitted to asking his cousin to track him down a year before he met me**.

I wasn't aware of this until a few years ago.  I thought Michael was lying about it.

He admitted to doing it again. 

I'm hurt. It's stalking.  It makes me embarrassed and sad.  I pray the vertigo instigator is finally happy and with the true love of his life.  I'm sorry he got mixed up in this. 

Sometimes loving someone means leaving them alone.  All that matters is his happiness.  If I impinged upon that, I'm sorry.

Take care of yourself.  We only have one body.  We don't travel in time. 

We've got to take the chances we need to take today. 

We've got to be honest about life, love and our dreams.

We've got to take care of ourselves so that we can be with the ones we love as long as we can.

You can get so stressed that nothing matters.  That's what happened to me.  Nothing stresses me out anymore.  Nothing scares me. 

I don't know what matters.  I don't know who I am.  I just do what I want to do. 

I guess that is the ultimate in being stress free. 

I guess when you give up - the pressure is truly off. 

Love ya,

S.

** It gets worse.  My ex-husband now says he asked his cousin to take items given to me by my childhood friend (aka Vertigo Instigator) to his mother's house!

He did this without talking to me.

He did this at a time he claimed he was not talking to his cousin due to a falling out.

He did this when someone went through my walk-in closet and started taking my childhood things out of a bag and leaving them about the house.  I'd find old love letters, artwork and things long lost around the house.  My ex never admitted to going through my things.  He did know what the love letters said.

There was one letter I never read.  It was given to me after Vertigo Starter and I broke up so I could go to college. I didn't know that for 20 years.  My ex-husband found the note that explained the break up, read it and told me.

All I knew is that my high school sweetheart broke up with me after I was informed of a scholarship to a music education program.

I never put two and two together.

It didn't really matter.  We broke up.  All good things must come to an end....right?

I'm highly protective of my former sweetheart and his mother.  When I was an orphan, she mentioned wanting to adopt me but couldn't because her son liked me too much.

I always wanted to be like her.  I always wanted to be the kind of mother my high school sweetheart has.

I'll never be as wise and loving as I remember her to be.

I have to admit I'm angry.

Why would my ex-husband send someone who scared the crap out of me to my High School Sweetheart's mother's house to give away things I forgot I had?

This sounds too weird.

It really does. 

I hope the judge grants my restraining order.

I'm also really embarrassed because (1) it took me too long to figure out what was going on and (2) other people I care about have been sucked into this.

The second point is why I isolate myself.

I don't think my isolation is going to end anytime soon.

This blows...

I feel stupid....really stupid....angry and stupid.

I pray my ex-husband is lying to me to get my attention. 

I'm glad I got rid of all those things and returned the drawings years ago so my ex-husband has nothing to harass these people with.

Stalkers.....they'll do anything.....they'll threaten anything to get your attention.

It's annoying.