Today I am thankful for a knock on my noggin'.
Yeah, last week, a huge rotisserie oven fell on my head.
I collect 99 cent crap at Goodwill on Sundays. They have five week crap cycles. If stuff stays in their store more than four weeks, it will go on sale for 99 cents on Sunday.
You have to wake up early for the good deals.
I've gotten myself a nice fondue set, a huge rotisserie oven, a bread maker, a crepe maker, a wok and all sorts of funky kitchen stuff this way.
If I use it, it sits on the counter. If not, I store it on a set of shelves in my dining room.
I never used the rotisserie oven. I wanted to try something new. It was on the top shelf of a cabinet.
I grabbed at it. It fell on my head.
I was dizzy for about a week.
The first day, I went for a drive. I must've thought it was 2009. I wore a dress. I stopped wearing them after a guy who shall go unnamed humped my leg and made a mess.
That was in 2012.
I wound up driving to my older office and visiting the guitar store just down the street. I visited the consignment shops and bought dresses.
I fell in love with a bass. I don't remember why I didn't buy it.
Then I realized I was listening to a Kylie Minogue Album that came out last year.
I went home in a daze. I slept a lot. I would go to work, come home and sleep.
I'm still sick.
It was a strange experience. It was like everything made sense but nothing made sense.
It's strange. When you're sick.....your priorities change.
It's like I can see what was never said.
I'm embarrassed for not being able to see those unspoken needs. I'm also pissed off that people don't take responsibility for the things they need.
I realized that an ex would only visit me because he was interested in me. For some dumb reason, I thought he only visited me so I could hypnotize him to do stuff (e.g. date) and help him relieve his pain. I remembered why I really unfriended him on Facebook, he made posts about limerence that made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to think those were about me. I kept telling myself it was about another woman.
Now, I'm not so sure. Maybe I owed it to him to talk about it. I just didn't want to get too nosey.
I don't know what boundaries are. At least I struggle with them due to the stalking.
I was stalked when I met with him.
I realized that the stalking picked up because he was in my life.
I realized my ex-husband was always jealous of this particular ex. He always made cracks about a guy with his name. It took me ten years to know who he was talking about.
It's a long story. These men have never met. My ex-husband has a lot of friends and family who went to school with me.....and they know things about my teenage years that I'd rather keep silent.
Thinking through that - while I lay in bed with the room spinning due to my head injury - I realized that the marriage isn't over to Michael.
He was joking about the divorce. It's a game to him. Yes, we are divorced on paper but he never followed through because he couldn't give up the control.
The job loss and other games are to justify him staying here with me. The damage to the house is to prevent me from selling it.
It doesn't matter what I want.
He still acts like we are in our sexless marriage.
I can't get away. I can't date. I need to be alone.
It's hard to explain. This bullshit is a continuation of the abuse that I endured in our relationship. I did manage to get a court date in two weeks -but- fear a judge will force me to live with my ex-husband or forgive him of his past due child support and the money he stole.
We'll see. I just don't trust the legal system.
I've also realized that I can love a lot of people and not be with them. I am having trouble coming to grips with the concept of loving someone while I live in this situation.
There is an evil movie out there.
It is called Me Before You. It's about a woman who falls in love with a recently paralyzed man.
It hit a little too close to home for me.
I'm sure I've met a soulmate. I knew his voice the instant we met. For the past year or so, we've spent hours every day talking about music theory, synthesizers, bass guitars and music.
He spent the 80's helping homeless kids.
I was a homeless kid in the 80's. I was able to get myself an apartment and help other homeless kids.
He was my favorite disc jockey. He admired how I took on the local government.
He is beautiful.
He is just a few years older than I.
He makes me see the truth about myself.
He wants to help the poor. I want to help the poor. My life is just messy.
He asked me one question...."If not now, when?"
That was profound. I need to do my good deeds now. I can't wait.
He is Christian. Nothing will sway his religion.
I am Pagan. It took a lot of soul searching, in those sleepless nights with my head injury, to realize that nothing will tear me from my Gods.
Nothing.....no political party (stupid Florida Libertarians).......not even love.
Nothing.
My beautiful friend is in a wheelchair. Another friend wrote a book on intimacies with people who have his condition.
I shouldn't have read it.
I had erotic dreams for a month.
And some stupid filmmaker romanticizes assisted suicide for people with his condition (for shame.....what an arsehole.....I'm tempted to throw a curse his way so he can learn empathy for people with that condition but my friend wouldn't approve....so I'll behave).
Suicide isn't hot. Kissing someone you love is hot.
I don't necessarily care where his lap is when I sit on it.
People are adaptable.
Love is love.
Love is the basis of life.
My friend is Christian.
I am Pagan.
Nothing can sway his path. Nothing will come between me and my Pantheon.
It was weird realizing that I love him.
I enjoy his companionship.
It's something that I don't have in my private life.
I can't have it because I hide too much. I don't answer my phone out of fear I'll be tracked.
I'd be a shitty partner now.
His star is about to rise soon. I can't tell you how or you'll know who he is.
He'll meet another woman on his tour......one more fitting....one who will honor his faith.
I know this.
It hurts.
I pray Aphrodite helps him find her sooner rather than later so our feelings don't grow.
*****
Five days after my injury, I made my way to my office.
I had a man walk in.
He was two years older than I.
He was beautiful.
He was handsome. He had Warhol white hair and had the deepest blue eyes.
He was a small business owner.
He was nervous around me. He wiped his precious fingerprints off of my desk.
He had a trusting soul which he spilled out to me.
The Gods had brought me a mirror.
He wants to date. He was divorced (almost as long as I've been alone). He cannot date.
He shared his reasons...one...by...one.
He sounded exactly like me. He said the exact same things that I say to myself when I am near beautiful men looking for a connection.....
He is "broken, half a person, unwanted, unattractive and too old." He's developed health problems and no one would want to support him or love him.
I referred him to the person I would want my brother to see a licensed therapist/hypnotherapy trainer who is a specialist in men's issues.
At that moment, I realized that I wasn't ready to go back to work. I still had vertigo from the oven falling on my head.
I came home and cried for this guy.
How could someone so kind hearted feel so bad about himself?
I said another prayer to Aphrodite.
Goddess please.....help people see the beauty in who they are!!!
I'm still cycling. I'm still crying.
I'm having trouble thinking.
I'm wondering.....
Do I have too many excuses?
How do I sort them out before I get too old?
I have no clue.
May your dreams all come true in painless ways.
Love,
S.