The Psychopath Smile (w/ edit)

Today I am thankful for identifying facial expressions of psychopaths: It will help me avoid hanging out with them in the future.

Check out frame 4:48. 

This is the look in Steve's profile picture.

My therapist buddies on Facebook told me that he looked insane and pleaded with me to dump him.  None of them were able to identify why.  They just said things like "he looks crazy", "he looks insane", "he's not very nice", "he's rude", and "don't settle."

Everything was vague.  I hate vague.

Steve's criticisms of me were often vague. 

This video describes the conversations we would have every each break-up.  We broke up every three weeks.

It is weird but I have read stories about people who dated sociopaths that would play games and break up with you every three weeks only to come back and plead to return to the relationship.
They like to play games with people to dominate them or study their reactions.  

They would never apologize. 
They would look for other women during the course of the relationship.
Steve liked to play games on me during our relationship, often telling me how he got the ideas for them. They were hurtful. 

Steve never apologized.
He would point out all the other women he thought were interested in him.

It's interesting.  He would use pity to get attention.  He'd lie about me on Facebook to get attention from other women.  He'd claim I did all of those things to him that he did to me.  He made me look like a liar.  He told other people that I was an abusive sociopath. 


*****


Yes, I am dealing with a group of narcissists (my ex-husband's family).  I am dealing with the phone harassment, cyber-harassment, stalking, property damage and that kid of thing.  I think my former sister-in-law is a psychopath.  I know that the lies originated from my ex-husband.  His mother and sister twist them into some insane stories and then send them shooting back through my community.


My ex-husband and his sister are also incredibly obese.  I think people take pity on them and give them both a certain amount of credibility due to their health.  I am still angry that my ex uses his weight to get out of roommate help.  Things in the house are broken or need put away.  He can't help me because he's so fat.  It's upsetting.  I'm going to have to have the drywall replaced due to water damage that occurred the weekend that I went camping with Steve.  I am seriously thinking about getting the house ready to sell.  I don't know. 

I do deal with her smear campaign to this very day.  I haven't seen her stalking since last November (although I did have a scare at the supermarket yesterday).  Michael doesn't seem to be lying about me anymore.  I am getting friend requests on Facebook from his friends.  They seem to be parroting nice things that he says.  I don't know....

Dealing with a group of enmeshed narcissists make dealing with Steve seem like a picnic in the park.  The problem, though, is that I have to use a hammer to deal with my ex's family.  I have to go all out and threaten legal tools to get them to back off.  Steve is akin to a fly on the wall.  I am used to using hammers on flies.  Steve is putting himself in danger messing around with me.

He doesn't understand what I am going through.

He doesn't believe that I am being stalked.


By extension of that, he doesn't understand the safety mechanisms that I have employed to thwart the stalking. 

I do have a private investigator watching my home because of my in-laws.

Steve hasn't been here.

That's a good thing. 

He's liable to get arrested or injured if I am not here.

******

This is a good video explain how psychopaths hook their victims. 












I am trying to find a way out of this.  Steve's antics slow me down.  They don't help.  It just adds one more fly to the mix. 


I don't think Michael is a psychopath.  I think he is a narcissist of the borderline variety.  If I am a "good woman" and does what he wants, the stalking will stop. 


I don't want to do that.  He has put me between a rock and a hard place with his financial games and inability to honor our divorce agreement. 

I did tell him that if he wants me to pledge to stay with him, he has to move out of the state with me.  I want to get away from his stalking family. 

He's not done that. 


He still hasn't had his surgery, either.  I'm beginning to wonder if that was a rouse to get him to stay.

I am realizing that narcissists like to waste other people's time.  It is a form of control.  Michael was supposed to move out of the house over a year ago. 

He's wasted another year of my life.

The problem with Steve is that he created so much havoc, I feel like I have to let Michael stay in order to keep Steve at bay.

In fact, it was Michael who alerted me to those emails. 


Maybe him stalking me isn't such a bad thing after all. 

******

After Halloween Scare:

I'm going to sign off now.  I just spit out a tootsie roll from the Halloween candy that I bought.  It tasted like acetone.  I'm incredibly happy that the neighbor kids wanted chocolate candy bars and glow bracelets; no one wanted the tootsie rolls. I may have to send a note to the manufacturer.  That is scary!!

Edit:  I found out what was in the tootsie rolls.  The kids had put the glow bracelets on top of them.  After 24 hours the bracelets began to leak and soaked through the seam in the tootsie roll wrappers.

Thank goodness the bracelets are non-toxic!! 

The ReKindle App

Today I am thankful that three of my four exes are Scorpios.

So....I received a bizarre text message while I was at work. 

It read:


"[My current name], a former fling wants to reconnect with you on Rekindle.  Download the app and discover who...."

First, three of my four exes have my current cell phone number.   The guy who tried to kill me has his wife call me at home in those rare moments he needs something (like tax records).  I haven't heard from her in years.  The last time I spoke to her she wanted to know about domestic violence shelters.  I pray for her a lot. 

Secondly, three of my four exes actually know how I spell my name.   Steve does not know that I changed my name in 1992 after the stalking began.  He's the only one who spells it the new way.

Finally, three of my four exes are friends on my social networking accounts.  I had to block Steve when he became obnoxious. 
I do have coffee or tea with most of them.  I was with Thomas in '86-87.  We last had coffee in 2011.  He's not shy about calling me.  I avoid Ross but his wife knows she is welcome to call anytime.  We were together between '88-'91.  I was with Michael since January '92.  We divorced earlier this year after a long separation but he still hangs around.  Steve and I dated since October of last year but we spent 50% of that time broken up.  I thought he was my friend but....I guess not.  I met him in April of 2011.

That's pretty much it.  I did date one guy in the middle.  His name was Sampson but I don't think it went very far.  I loved him dearly.  I know he loved me but we didn't have a lot in common.  He was also a Scorpio.  He is not shy about contacting me.  He's close to my sister, so he'll typically leave messages for me with her.
 


Michael denied sending the invite but jumped on the thought of reconnecting.   I am considering sending birthday cards to two of the other three.  I won't send a birthday card to the guy that tried to kill me.  I'm friends with his daughter, so I'll just do what I usually do.  I'll buy her something in place of what I would normally buy him. 
IF I send one to the mean, rude, unapologetic person- he'll have to wait until August.  I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with him.  He was really mean.  As much as I love him, the pain of dealing with his emotional abuse outweighs the pain of being away from him.  I do not feel that I have a choice.  I have to stay away.  I don't think it can be fixed...I don't.  It's sad. 

*****

I love him but I am at peace. 

When I go through my blog and see all the hell Steve put me through, all the games he played, and all the names he called me - I realize how lucky I am that we are not a couple anymore. 

I offered to pay for relationship coaching. 

He declined. 

If it can't be fixed, I don't want to waste my time. I don't have the energy to put up with it anymore. 

I am at peace. 

I can look at all the eye candy that surrounds me. 

Life is good. 

Love,

S.





Age Tests

Today I am thankful for age tests.

At work today, a much younger guy asked me for my phone number. 


So...I recited




8...6...7...(long dramatic pause)

5...3...0....



This was when the older people in the room started laughing. 


I was busted. 

Love ya,

S. 


Edit - you know....I have recently read that a guy was arrested for owning porn featuring a woman getting it on with a guy in a tiger costume.

I immediately went to the web.

I asked if it was okay for a guy to have sex with a cougar.

I was told...no...only a Puma can have sex with a cougar.

I'm not a cat person.

So.....either I'm dating older guys...

Or I'm getting Botox and lying about my age!!!


I'm thinking about doing the former.  It would take a heck of a lot of Botox to make me seem younger than I am.  Besides, I like bald guys.  I find that most of the hotties are older than I. 


Sigh.....

One of my mentors is giving a class on how to train your wife to be a hypno-whore.   

I wish I had a hot guy to attend the class with me. 


Alas...I don't. 


Someday my horny devil will cum....

Someday....










 

Just When My Depression Lifts

Today I am thankful that my depression and anxiety has lifted.

I had a vitamin deficiency. 

I started to take inositol, 730 mg, three times a day.  After a week, my depression and anxiety is gone. 


I am me again. 

I also stopped the birth control pills.  I think the pills messed with my sex drive. 

I think the hormones from my sad nightmare have died down.   I am still in shock from that.  I'm glad Steve never knew.  I can never tell him; he thinks I have a lot of fuck buddies so he wouldn't believe he had anything to do with it anyway.  It'll be my secret.   At least someone can be spared the pain. 

After two weeks, I almost feel like myself again. 

I still cry myself to sleep but at least I can function now.  I wake up to cry at 5:00 a.m. every morning.  I cry because I am alone.  I do not see that changing anytime in the near future.

I need to find away to wiggle out of my ex-husband's control.  If I cannot do that, I'm going to have to accept it. 

I do miss having a real partner.  I don't want a fake man that engages in pointless ass-hattery.  I want someone I can share my deepest sorrows and fondest hopes and dreams with, without fear of having it thrown back in my face when he wants to get something out of me. 

Steve's obnoxious behavior made the stalking feel.....somewhat....tolerable.  It's not livable but the stalking doesn't have the same sting as verbal/emotional abuse. 






*****

I have realized more about the stalking.

I need a safety plan. 

I can't leave until I get that accomplished.

I may try to take out a home equity loan to get the house ready to sell.

The finances are the problem.  There were games played the six years prior to my divorce.  The bulk of our retirement went missing.  I wound up having to file bankruptcy.  Michael said he sat on the paperwork for two years just to keep me with him (that sounds kinda creepy).  Money awarded to me continued to go missing after the divorce was final.  Those games made it impossible for me to leave.

I'm realizing that I may need to sell the house to pay off the debt.

I will be alone until I can figure this out. 

I cannot date. 


I cannot see other men until Michael moves out of the house.

Steve taught me that. 

My friends tell me that a mature man would help me find a way.

I won't put anyone through that.

I'll figure it out on my own.

Michael has to be the stalker.


I am terrified of his family.  I am terrified that they will harm the children.  He doesn't care.  He doesn't seem to break out in a sweat when I talk about it.  How does he know the kids are safe?

The more I talk to him about it, the more I realize that it has to be him.

I did decide to give in until I can figure this out.  The man doesn't want sex, so what harm can it do? 

I may as well buy myself some time to figure out what is going on.  Steve kept me off kilter with his emotional antics, I was so busy trying to figure out how to handle him that I couldn't deal with this situation well.

Now.....now....more of my energies can go to solve this crisis since I don't have to deal with immature behavior from a wanna-be significant other. 

Steve was playing me.....it is obvious in hindsight.  I feel like a complete and utter fool. 


I am allowing Michael to go anywhere I go....except work.  I got a temporary job where I am surrounded by cops. 

No ONE is going to stalk me at this job.....no one. 

My last day on the job is next Tuesday. 

I realize that as long as I let my ex-husband accompany me everywhere, there is no stalking.

He goes where I go.

I know about it.

It's less creepy that way.


I'm still lonely.....


but at least I'm not shaking in terror. 

*****

For all the posts I've been making about domestic violence,


For the one friend who escaped a battering relationship last month....


I know someone who was just killed in a domestic violence murder-suicide over the weekend.


I don't know how to feel.

I feel numb. 

I don't feel as down as I used to feel when people died.

I'm not sure this is normal.


I don't know.


It does hurt. 

What can we do to prevent these things?

Steve wanted me to stop posting about domestic violence.

Why?

It helped my political activist friends.  Yes, the sheriff I wrote about last year is under fire because someone vying for his seat has been accused of domestic violence.  He had a police department in a neighboring municipality investigate the claims.  Those posts....those posts....helped my politically activist friends understand how the politician was thinking when he called himself a victim.  Most abusers justify their behavior and don't like being called out on it.  His behavior is textbook abuser behavior.  Those posts helped point that out.

Those posts helped a friend.


Who is Steve to tell me to silence my voice?

I cannot let my voice be silenced.

Don't let anyone silence your voice.....ever. 

You never know who is fighting the same battles you are.

You never know who you will inspire just by being strong.

Love ya,

S.  

Letting Go of a Demon (w/ edits)

Today I am thankful for being a witch at Samhain.

I am working on letting one of my demons loose.

I lit sandalwood incense.


I let it go. 


You know something....


I don't feel any different.

Maybe I'm so used to the darkness that I can't feel the light anymore. 

*****

I am having bizarre dreams about being shot by my stalker again.  I wonder why? 


I wish I could conjure something that would get my former sister-in-law, Shannon,  arrested. 

I wish I could put an end to this entire nightmare. 

*****

Did I ever tell you who my favorite comic book hero is? 


It is NOT the scarlet witch.  No....she's a tad bit insane. 




Isn't that surprising? 


Most people think she's my favorite.  That's probably because of my dark auburn hair.



My favorite comic book persona is The Punisher. 

In my fantasy world, I have an assortment of fancy cars, bombs, knives, glocks, uzis and a twisted way of thinking that results in dead criminals and their fiery remnants in a smoldering hell. 


Yeah.....

In reality, I drive a beat up jalopy.  I just carry a pistol and pepper spray.  If you scare the holy hell out of me, you'll just have the aroma of a rare steak.  I probably couldn't drive fast enough to out run the cops.

So....revenge really isn't possible for someone like me.  

*****

Let me try the ceremony again. 

If I can't let go of the demon, I'll put it to work for me.  Our shadow sides tend to have some utility about them, don't they?   They are birthed as a solution to a problem.

Maybe I need the demon in the here and now. 

The person I am trying to bind will find out what kind of demon that I am talking about releasing soon enough. 

((( cue the evil cackling )))

Love ya lots,

S.

Edit:  I got out my stalking journal.  I said a prayer.  I asked to have the stalker brought to justice or find away to untangle our lives.  Stalking is a bizarre crime: it creates an obsession in both the stalker and the target.  The stalker obsesses about the target.  The target obsesses about preventing the next incident. Stalking weaves a bizarre webbed connection between the stalker and the stalked. 

I want it done.

I want to be free of the sticky threads.

I want to stop being the spider's prey. 

 I didn't like the answer I received in my meditation.

All of the evidence points to my ex-husband.  There were times when his sister broke into my car (1993-1994) and he became angry at me because I made a big deal out of it.  I don't know...maybe he asked her to do those things?  Maybe he is enabling her.  I don't know.

I confronted him.  I didn't really get a straight answer. 


I did....but I didn't.

He admitted to telling his family my whereabouts.  He admitted to knowing what they were doing.  He admitted to not standing up to them. 

That's about it. 

He has the need to control me.  They are helping him. 

On the bright side, today marks the eleventh month that I have not seen Shannon follow me or watch me in public.  I gave away my car and bought a beat up one (so she doesn't know what I drive): I also hired a mechanic to check it for GPS devices every few months.  October marks the fourth month since I've seen damage to any of my doors and locks.   My neighbor is a private investigator: He keeps an eye on the house for me.  The phones have been quiet since I've changed our phone numbers.  All appears to be back to normal.

Maybe they've stopped? 


I hope so. 
I don't feel safe enough yet.  I am taking my control back slowly and surely.


Love ya,

S. 

The Folly of the Anarchy King

Today I am thankful for those moments of clarity one experiences away from chaos. 

I finally realized the identity of the dork muffin who is attacking me online.  He is one of Steve's Facebook friends.  I heard that Steve had been posting out right lies about me.  I saw that he claimed I abused him.   I saw that he claimed I called him names.  My friends told me other things; I allegedly badmouthed Steve's mother.  I am James Holmes.  I am lying about being stalked.  They tell me that he wrote a lot of other garbage.


Most of what my friends said mirrored those emails Steve sent to me where he claimed I was married and had numerous fuck buddies on the side, that I'm lying about the stalking......gosh....what else? There is so much.  I stopped reading at the 27th email I received after I left him.  Each one contained a new allegation. 

I NEVER want to see him again. 

I LOVE him but I DO NOT want to deal with him again.  He is abusive.

After we started dating, Steve would attack my credibility and call me a fraud.  This little turkey friend of his is doing the same thing.

If he is putting this little jerk up to harassing me, I will get a restraining order against Steve.  This is the second man he's had do that.  I had to block a longtime friend who he was using as a go-between.

I'm getting angry.

The last hope Steve has to contact me is to return my books but he'd be wise to never say a word to me. 

I know he's a fraud. 

Do you know why? 

He bills himself as the Anarchy King. 

If you know anything about the theory, Anarchists do not believe in masters or slaves nor kings nor subjects.

So....when Steve wrote that I was a fake and a fraud....he was talking about himself. 

I will never again deal with people who try to make me explain who I am or what I do.  People who have time for that don't really do anything. 

If you're too lazy to do a Google search, I have no time for you. 

The Anarchy King realization is one of those ones that has me smacking my head wondering why I gave this guy the time of day. 

I left him because he played a lot of head games and told me to shut up when I tried to talk about it. 

I want to curse him because he's trying to ruin my reputation online.  Luckily, no one believes him. 

If he keeps having his little a-hole buddies bother me, he will see me again.....in county court! 

Love ya,

S.



The Joys of Being a Hypnotist (w/ 2nd update)

Today I am thankful for covert hypnosis.

Today I had a little bit o'drama.

I was at, of all places, the dollar store. 

I wanted fake Woolite for my Aphrodite costume.  I found it in red.  It is hot.   Maybe I'll upload a photo for you....if I can figure out how to do that on this broke ol' computer.

I'm using Explorer.  For some reason, I cannot upload pictures using Explorer. 

It's weird...

Then I realize that I want a mop, floor cleaner, cheap coffee, finger nail polish, pepperoni, wrapping paper and some diet pills that will probably make me chunk out. 

I get in line with my arms loaded full of stuff. 

There is a German guy fussing about returning a 50 cent greeting card. 

If I had a place to put my stuff, I would have given him 54 cents (the cost of the item plus tax).

I didn't. 

The store does not accept returns.  They'll allow you to do exchanges but absolutely no returns. 

I waited. 

I waited.

They guy made his case.....continually....for ten minutes.

That was okay.

Then he started verbally abusing the three young women behind the counter.  The line behind me was forming. 

This is in the scary part of town.  The thugs live there.  There was a thug behind me.....saggy pants and all.  I thought for sure he'd take care of it.

Nope...

Then the guy said something that reminded me of what Steve said to me.   

"You call yourself a manager!  You're stupid!  "

That was it. 

I put my stuff on the counter in front of the guy. 

I handed my credit card to the clerk. 

In my best authoritarian voice, I said, "ring up my order."

I spun on my heels,

looked the man in the eye and said

"STOP causing a scene.  START walking with me out the door NOW and go home or I will call the police myself."

He did as I asked telling me not to worry about him.  He'd be okay.  He was drunk and he swore he'd make it home okay.  That sentence I uttered as a pattern interrupt managed to turn his attention away from his anger at the manager to getting himself home. 

He left.

The thug and I watched him go home.  He lived across a field.  We didn't leave until we were sure he was long gone. 

I came back into the store.  I was cheered.  I found my merchandise bagged.  I spent $19.06 on cleaning stuff and fake diet pills.  Thank goodness I'll never need another pregnancy test!  Those don't work!

The manager thanked me. 

That was too much excitement for me.  That's the first time I had to use that particular pattern on a troublemaker.  I usually use it for political purposes.  It tends to work to create change.  I think the stop, start, now pattern is the one I get the most mileage out of. 

*****

I don't know what has gotten into me but I'm really tired of dealing with a-holes.  Another Anarchist  attacked me on my party's political page.  He claimed that a cop threatened to rape his child.  I offered to help figure out who it was and report it.   Pedophilia is something most cops don't tolerate.  Many cops are parents.  Many politicians have kids.  There are few people with a soft spot for that kind of thing.  They WILL investigate.  They probably won't touch wife beaters but child molesters....oh yeah....they'll look into it.  A couple of years ago our former sheriff was arrested for molesting under age boys.  He's not going to see the light of day for a long time!


I told him this.

This guy went on the attack.  He claimed that I was a cop's wife.  Nope....just a community activist who has complained so much that I know who to b!tch to and how to motivate people to action.  He said he didn't know me and told everyone not to take me too seriously.  That didn't go over very well with my friends.  No ONE knew who he was.  I told him to Google me.

I don't care what the peanut gallery says.  I know how to get things done.  I'm a hypnotist.  I know the magic words.

I hate Facebook.  I want to catch a pedophile.  If he works in law enforcement, he needs to go.  If he doesn't, I'm going to bet that the cops know who he is.  They usually know who the troublemakers are.

It was probably a kid or some drunk guy dumb enough to use his own profile to threaten a kid.  It could have been a cop.  Who knows?  Why didn't the Anarchist report the threat when it happened a month ago? 

That will be his undoing.  You need to report these things!  Seriously!!! 

Still....I'm going to bet that this guy does it to other people.  I'm going to bet he focuses on certain types of people.  I'm going to bet that the cops know about him already. 

*****

Anarchy is a nice theory but you cannot ignore the system we have now.  We live in the now.  We have to navigate what is in existence in the now.  We pay for the police now.  We need to consider using them now. 

LEOs don't want a black eye.  They want people like that off of their team. 

I have a way of getting things done.  I'm not sure I want to say what is going on.  I think the Anarchist made it up.  I'll check into it. 

He claims a cop threatened to rape his child. He never reported it to the police.  If the cops won't touch it, the Child Internet Crime Task Force might.  If the children's activists won't touch it, the feminists will.  They've been after Facebook for a long time because they allow rape threats to be made against female users.  If, for some reason, the feminists won't touch it, I'll go to child protective services. 

Let's see how far I get.

I'll bet the Anarchist will admit to not wanting it investigated before I get too far into it.  I really think he made it up for attention. 


Just watch.....


There is always someone ready to fight.  You just have to know what to say. 

Oh....and you must be persistent!!! 


Love ya,

S. 

Edit A:  I tracked down the name on the screenshot the Anarchist A-hole shared.  It turns out that it is a video game designer, in my home town, who is in his early twenties.  Many video game designers have a reputation for threatening to rape female game designers via cyber-harassment.  It is an issue that the women in the industry are trying to resolve. 

So....I believe the rude Anarchist who posted the image is telling the truth.   I have two possible theories here (1) The video game designer posted the same threat he posts to female video game designers thinking that the child in the photo was a woman -or- (2) A cop has arrested the video game designer in the past and set up a fake profile to frame him for a crime he's already committed against other people. 

I still think if the Anarchist reports it to the police, it will be investigated.  I don't think they could resist the positive press.  Can you imagine the headline?


Cops Bust Man who Threatened Anti-cop Activist's Child


That would be such a departmental ego boost.....don't ya think? 

I'm trying to think of how I used to get cops investigated.  Thinking back on it, it usually involved learning about departmental politics and sharing tidbits with people who were adversaries of the wrong-doer.   It worked with the cop Shannon was using to stalk me in Montbello; They found a lot of crap on him (paperwork errors, false arrests, that kind of thing).  I spoke to a cop who was vying for the same promotion as the stalkerish cop.  The other time, I threatened to go to the press with information that I had.  I also wrote a letter to the District Attorney.

There are methods of getting things done.  you just have to be....you know....creative.

I don't know enough about this particular department to know how to proceed.




I will contact the female gamers I know to see if they have a group that will take the guy down. 


There is always someone itching to fight....always. 




Love ya,

S.

Edit B: I spoke the detective from the Children's Internet Crime Task Force.  The guy who got the threat is going to have to file a report.  He waited 36 days.  The detective is concerned that the trail has grown cold.  They do keep records of these things. 


The laws aren't really there to deal with rape threats against women.  The cop knew about the problems with the male game designers threatening the women.  He said that he would investigate it whether or not it was a cop who made the threat.


I was left with the impression to talk to my State Senator and Representative.  I will meet with them in two weeks.  I have to talk about the temporary driver's licenses and how it is creating an issue for local voters.  I'll add the rape threat laws to the list, too.


I promised to put together a post on how to report threatening things we see on Facebook.  You know, I pay for the cops.  I expect them to do their jobs. 


I grew up in a scary part of town.  Many people think that cops are thugs. 


That may very well be the case.  I am terrified to call them when someone hits my car.  If the damage in minimal, I tend to let the other party go.  I don't know when they'll arrive with guns blazing. 


You have to weight the pros and cons when it comes to such things.  You have to ask yourself "what is the worst that can happen?"


With my car?  Well....the worst that can happen is I lose a car that only cost me $1,500. 


With a kid?  Well....the worst that can happen is a young life is irreparably harmed or cut short.


I'll call the cops for the latter but not the former. 


I hope that makes sense. 


A lot of people compare cops to thugs.


I have to tell you that even thugs will kill child molesters and pedophiles. 

The worst fate a child molester can have is a prison sentence.  They typically don't make it out alive, if you know what I mean.

I'll still do some checking....seriously, there are some things you need to call the police for.  Rape threats and stalking are a couple of those things. 

Don't be like me and let some idiot harass you for twenty years before you make the call.


I was literally shocked that the cops knew exactly what was going during my first call.  They had been on the case since June of 2008. 

I'm still unclear as to what happened there.  I don't know if it was because I was stalked while meeting with the mayor's friend or what.....


They knew....

Cops tend to know who the thugs are and what they do. 

Until we get a different system in place....


because acting like The Punisher is illegal....


and we are most likely too poor to behave like Batman....


just effin' call the cops when kids are threatened. 


You could be saving other lives in the community because these creeps target just about anyone.


Love ya,

S.

Do Not Date (edits to come)

 Today I am thankful for the insight of other people who have been stalked. 

I am talking about the stalking situation with another INTP.  He's hot.  He's sweet.  He's uber smart.  He's talented.  He's married....


He was a professional actor.


He gave up his career.  I am wondering if it is due to the stalking he's endured.  No, I didn't ask.  


We do have one thing in common, we do a lot of studio vocal recording.  


He has me researching the issue. 


He has me looking into therapy options.  


He is giving me advice.


He told me how to brace the front door so Shannon can't break in. 


I'm happy he has met me online. 


I've been looking over some resources that have been shared between us and other stalking victims. 


I am seeing things that remind me of Steve. 


Steve is NOT my stalker.


I'm not sure who my stalker is.  I KNOW who I see trying to break into the house and follow me around.  It is typically my sister-in-law, her cousin, or her boyfriend. 


I do think I was setting myself up for another stalker-ish situation. 


So, I'm going to cut and paste the things that strike me below.  I'll post links, too. 

I am a little freaked out. 


I have done a lot of self-hypnosis lately.  Every time I go back into a regression state, I find myself remembering being abused by narcissists in my family.


I think I was wrong about my mother. 

She married a narcissist.


I learned how to take abuse from my step-father.


I was raised by my grandparents.  When my grandmother became critically ill, I was shipped off to live with an uncle.  He was dating a narcissist.


He eventually married her.  Her name is Judy.  Most of my trauma centers around Judy.



I stay away from my family because of Judy.  She's insane.  I'm the black sheep so I get blamed for a lot of crazy things. 

Judy likes to throw fancy dinner parties.


She used to dig old tampons out of the trash and put them on the dining room table so she could tell everyone how unsanitary I was.  

She would tell everyone that I stole her mother's silverware yet use it as a table setting until my relatives confronted her. 


When she met my daughter, who was two years old, she told everyone that she had the chicken pox.  My child was sent outside in the cold.  I wasn't there as I was running an errand for Judy.  I returned to the house, saw my kiddo outside and my pissed off relatives trying to console her.  I NEVER went back to that house.


I refuse.


I came face to face with Judy  two weeks ago after my cousin died.  She had put herself in the middle of the funeral.  She meddled with it and caused a lot of pain to my family.  She literally took over the planning of the event and made a mess of things.


It would appear that without me, she had to find other people to pick on.


My second cousin, Justin, died of melanoma.  He was 35.  He was adopted.  He was smarter and better looking than any of us.  He was an actor.  He was an entrepreneur.  He married a woman with two small boys.  He adopted them and had two more little girls.  He ran for office.  He was a designer (and made the hottest ballroom gowns).  He did a lot in his short life.  


They say that only the good die young.  In this case, it is sad but true. 


We were told to arrive at the funeral at 10:00 a.m.  My aunt was suspicious.  She called and spoke to my uncle who said it was 9:00 but didn't know the details.  My uncle told her to call back.  She did and Judy answered the phone.  Judy told her that the funeral was 10:00.


Now, mind you....Justin was not their child.  Justin was their grandchild.  Justin's father was my uncle's son. 




Judy spread misinformation about the funeral to everybody, including Justin's parents. 

The family arrived about 9:30.  We stood outside a glass room.  Inside the glass room, the actual funeral was taking place.  It started at 9:00.  Justin's own PARENTS missed the funeral!

Judy was inside the glass room.  She kept glancing at us, through the glass,  scanning our faces for our reactions. 

For days, I had to explain the concept of narcissism to various relatives calling to vent about what they've endured from Judy over the past thirty years.  The trick to dealing with that is NOT to let her meddle! 

I feel bad.  I should have warned them.  




My mother was incredibly close to Justin's father and siblings.  She was a portrait artist.  She did portraits of all of them through the years.

Justin's dad called to get the portraits.  He was told that Judy threw out all of my mother's art work. 



My family is pissed off

I don't think Judy threw them away.  I offered her $500 for each painting.  Let's see if they turn up. 


Judy is probably the reason I put up with narcissistic abuse.  Narcissists can be fun people to be around...at first.  I had an aunt tell me that they are fun until they start badmouthing the people they claim to love.


I am terribly worried about Justin's widow.  Judy tends to attack people at their weakest point.  I am afraid that all of the support she has will dwindle once Judy's mouth starts running. 


I'll work on being around for her. 

*****

Now I am researching how to recognize a narcissist before I get invested in having a relationship with them.  This is the part of the post I will update.

I should say that all sociopaths are narcissists.  I copied this verbatim, so it will have a reference to sociopaths and stalkers.  Many (not all) narcissists stalk.

This is a biggie.  This is STEVE (right down to the threats to sue me over a quote I posted to Facebook)!

Need for Stimulation. Many sociopaths/stalkers live on the edge in one way or another for that is the only way they can “feel normal.” Some need to be in constant drama, constant confrontations or battles with other people. These other people can even be elected officials. Sometimes even institutions such as government are targets. Stalkers often seek to engage in back and forth email rants and hurl threats at others in emails and online forums ,including threats to sue over trivial matters. http://www.skyvalleychronicle.com/FEATURE-NEWS/THE-MIND-OF-THE-STALKER-1230254


(I will post more as time allows)

No Contact - A Double Edged Sword

Today I am thankful for my ex-husband's help.

He is watching the children so I can do my temporary job.  The pay off is that if I can make $32,500 per year, he's off of the hook for alimony.


In return for his help, he is getting all of the tax breaks.  It was hard to write 0 deductions on that w-4 form.  Sometimes we have to give a little to get a little.


I'm thankful none-the-less.  This is my one shot of getting away. 


*****


The one thing I wish for is a partner to share my bed with.  I have no one.  I haven't had anyone in years.  He started sleeping apart from me in 2001!  It feels like a lifetime ago.

I still wake up in the middle of the night in tears.


My Christian friends applaud the fact that I am still kind to Mike.


It hurts so much to keep putting my needs on hold.


I'm still doubtful that I will be able to get away until the youngest is out of the house. 


I'm working on it. 


I find myself praying for Michael's health.


I am terrified he's going to die.  He can't walk without breaking out in a cold sweat.  He can't walk without getting winded.  I don't want to have to put together his funeral.  I don't want to have to be in the same room with his family. 


I don't want him to die on my watch!  I wish the doctors would schedule those surgeries!!


*****

I'm still sad.


I still cry when I have moments to myself. 

The hormones made my hair grow longer.  My nails are super long.  I'm still head-achy and I think I look like a cow.
I decided to stop taking birth control pills.  I don't want anyone.  I don't plan on seeing anyone.  They really didn't help me avoid psychologically painful experiences either.   I give up.  The doctor is trying to talk me into sterilizing myself.  I don't know....I'll never have another partner.  Why bother?


I am very confused. 


I am probably going to be confused for a long time. 


*****


I honestly thought that I would marry Steve.


It had to do with a vision that I had in February of 2011. 


He was the man in the vision. 


Now, though, I'm wondering. 


Could it have been a premonition?  a warning?  Was he someone that I was supposed to avoid?


I'll never know. 


When he was nice, he was nice.  When he was insecure, he was very mean and abusive.


Now, I'm being told that he's a victim.  I had a therapist buddy warn me about that.  She said that men who claim to be victims of women are dangerous, especially when they run around claiming that women who are being stalked lie about it.


Most men, especially victims of domestic violence, want to protect everyone from that fate.  True victims will NEVER make fun of someone enduring trauma.   Most men won't either. 

She told me to stay away from Steve for good.


*****

The problem with emotionally abusive phone calls, emails, texts and conduct is that the only way to cope with it is to go no-contact.


This conflicts with the human desire for closure.  We want people we love to know that they are important to us.  It just can be a painful thing to do when someone fancies shooting barbed arrows carrying their sins onto you. 

Everything he said about me, was a projection of him.

When he wrote that I was cheating.....I began to realize that he was really looking around for other people.  He wanted me to post accolades to him so other woman would go out with him.


When he said that I never loved him....I realized....that he never loved me. 


It's a hard thing to deal with. 


*****
I wasted three and a half years in love with him.


I turned away a spiritual old flame that I always loved.  Our break up was due to my going to college.  Those are the worst because you can't say anything bad about the other person **or the relationship.  It's great not having anything bad to say about someone or the relationship until you find yourself staring into their eyes 26 years later, you feel the unspoken love enveloping both of you yet you are afraid to say a word because you don't know why it didn't work out the first time.  It was bittersweet - the love and the pain of the lost years. Sure we were both hurting but I wasn't sure which action would hurt him more - telling him I cared or keeping my feelings to myself.  So I stayed silent and watched my stalkers watching us.

Yeah...Doug and Shannon were there the last time we met.  I've hidden from him since and pray he's found a hottie.  I couldn't hide the fact I cared for him.  He pointed out that I had tears welling up in my eyes when he told me about the broken bones he developed on his adventures.

Sigh.....I fear I predicted the injuries...Yikes....

There was another......

I turned away a wonderful "pagan friendly" bass player (but he is incredibly happy with his new beautiful lady so that one worked out perfectly). 

He was also a Trekkie and a nerd.  He's hot.  I met him when I tripped over his beautifully huge feet (sigh) at a charity auction grabbing at Star Trek memorabilia.  He plays bass for a band that plays Pagan music.  He's got an Ibanez but I wouldn't hold that against him as I'd never have one against me.

Yeah....there was a stalker hanging around when this man and I met the second time, too.   He mentioned that he thought I was unavailable because of the way this person looked at me.

I think he's right.  I have no choice but to be alone.

I'm happy he's happy.  It's all good.  He gave me good advice while we spoke. 

Both of these guys looked super hot in their kilts.

Irish lasses attract Scottish men. 

I thought Steve was the one because he was everything I asked Isis and Osiris for.  I guess I forgot to ask for kind hearted and non-abusive.  


Man...I was wrong. 

He even pretended to be Scottish.  When I had a tie sent to him from Scotland with his family pattern and he didn't know what it was.....

I should have known. 

He was fake. 


It's interesting...

*****


The multitude of nasty emails got me to the point where I would refuse to check my emails.


I started a new advertising campaign right before Steve went nuts.


I missed many clients' emails. 


I cannot afford to have that kind of negativity in my life.


Now, that it is gone, I am thinking more clearly.  I am realizing that I can split the rent on my office to save some money and still have my business. 


I'm finding new ways of earning an income.


All I needed was a clear head.


I'm beginning to find myself double-booked.  Last month, I didn't have very much going on.  Now I'm having to reschedule people. 


It's all good.


*****
I bought Steve an anniversary present a few months back.  It is an antique compass.  I had it engraved.  It says....

"I would be lost without you."


I realized that I was more lost with him in my life.  I could never address what I needed to address with him. 

I felt lost. 


I always held out hope that one day I'd find a solution that would allow us to be together.


I never did.

I never found anyone that I could talk it out with.


My friends hated Steve because he had attacked a few of them.


My family hated Steve when he wrote that I was lying about the stalking.


My ex-husband began to hate him when he saw the emails.  He read them before I did.


I don't know.....


I don't know....


Maybe I'll conjure a spirit or spell to inhabit the compass.


Perhaps another djinn?

I allegedly have a new djinni.  It is on a bracelet. 


It was said that she refuses to engage in dark wishes.  She wants to be a companion.  She wants to help make the world a better place.

If metaphysical entities are actually projections and  mirrors of our minds, there must be a good person locked inside me somewhere. 

I'm trying to decide what to wish for.

If I knew what I wanted, I could get that without the illusion of magick.

I don't know what I want.


*****
Without Steve and Michael in my daily life, I am having more time for my spiritual practice.  I light candles five times a day.  I can see the shift in my energy. 


Maybe things will get better from here. 


I'll let you know. 

I'm not sure if I should start posting more spells. 


I'll think about it. 

Love ya,

S.

**I've had a lot of hits to this entry so I thought I should complete the thought.  I'm not sure I conveyed what I tried to convey. 

Baby Dreams (w/edit)

Today I am thankful for allergy meds: I take them to help me sleep. 

I need to find a way to stop dreaming. 


I've never wrote this before but I've had these dreams for the past two weeks.


They are of a little girl.  I'd peg her age at about three.


She has curly golden brown hair and big blue eyes.

Her name is Joy.


We pick flowers in the sun.  We play with puppies.  We sing.  We dance.  We paint.


Last Sunday, I dreamt of her being violently pulled away from me.  She's sobbing and reaching out to grab my shoulders.  An unknown figure has grabbed her and walking away.  I'm chasing after them yet I cannot keep up because I am in too much pain to run as fast as I normally can. 


Last night, in my dreams she's standing by my feet in a white robe hugging my legs.  The figure is watching me from a distance.  It feels hostile.  I can't see it's face because it won't stop staring at the floor.   I sense regret.   I still don't trust it.  I don't want it near me or anyone I love. 

The little one looks up at me while hugging me so tight that I cannot bend down to hold her.

Her tears are gone. 


There is peace.

It is painful.

It is silent...yet peaceful. 


I wish the tears would stop.  The headaches I can live with.  The tears hurt too much.

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  I have to say that I've been spending an inordinate amount of time with my three year old granddaughter.  Her name is Naomi.  She's quite a bit like me.

I find myself having to take crying breaks. 


My aunt was much younger than her cousin.  They got along famously.  I find myself wondering if Naomi would have liked having a baby aunt or uncle.

Well....it's too late for that.  I should count my blessings.  I really should. 


That relationship was not right for me.  I was not right for him. 


This is for the best. 


Love ya dearly,

S. 

Kudos (with edits)

Today I am thankful for Michael's admission.


I have been angry. 


I have been sick. 


I'm still having trouble holding down food.  I'm told that this will pass in the coming days. 


I want to understand why I'm going through this now. 


I want  to understand why I'm stuck in the situation I find myself in. 


I've been reading about relationship abuse.  The books I've read are helping me define the types of abuse that I've endured (both types were different) and how to overcome it. 


I confronted Michael. 


I told him that he needs to control me.  He'll tell me that I can do anything that I want and then set out to sabotage me.  If his underhanded sabotage tricks do not work,  his sister winds up stalking me.


He admitted to this. 


Case closed:  Michael is the stalker. 


Part of what was driving me nuts was not knowing who was doing what and why.  It was a game of information keep-away. 


I'd be followed by a tall guy and my ex-husband would say it was a guy working for the city.  My friends would notice this tall guy following me and I'd repeat the same thing. 


Then one day, I found myself having coffee with a close friend of the mayor's family.


He noticed that I had been followed.  He refused to let me leave the coffee shop until the man left.  After four hours passed and we both had to utilize the restrooms due to the large amount of coffee we ingested, the mayor's friend had a plan.  He tucked the tablecloth in his belt and stood up.  Coffee flew across the room.  We left during the ensuing chaos. 

Within days, cop cars started sitting outside my house.  To my ex-husband, it was proof that the city was stalking me.


After two years, I complained to a sergeant.  The cop cars were never seen outside my home again. 


The assistant city attorney warned me that my ex-husband was stalking me.  She claimed that this was the real reason they fired him from his city job: he took time off work to follow me. 

She shut up when I asked why she didn't report it to the police. 


I started a business three jurisdictions to the west so that I could avoid all the issues I was having with the city. 


That was when I noticed a different tall, dark haired man follow me.  It didn't bug me too much.


One day, he grabbed my shoulder and said "Hello Satan."


I had just left a lunch date with my high school sweetheart.  Michael had called moments before asking if I were okay. 

This man....he smelled....he smelled familiar!  He smelled like.....Michael!  I knew they had to be related.


This still didn't phase me at all. 


I would later learn that this man was visiting my office and hassling my office mate.   He was taking things from the waiting area. 

I even found pictures of myself strewn outside the office door. 

It still didn't bug me. 


We had an elderly woman who handled our medical insurance billing.  One day this man came in, clutching a photo of me, grabbed her and demanded to know where I was.  He wanted to know where I went to church, where I lived and when I would be at work.  He complained that I wasn't a real Christian because I as a professional hypnotherapist. 

He proceeded to go through her papers. 

She was so scared, she refused to call the police. 

This was when I became scared. 


For two years, I'd catch a woman that looked like an older version of my daughter trying to break into my home.  I'd deal with constant hang up calls.  I found a gps box hanging from my mini-van. 

It wasn't until my father-in-law died in 2013 and people shared photos from the family that I was able to identify who the stalkers were.  They are my in-laws. 


The cops have always maintained that Michael was asking his family to stalk me.  I never knew for sure.  It was hard to believe I was being stalked! 

The cops say that this is why they stationed cop cars in front of my house.  Apparently when cops need a place to do paperwork, they park in front of the homes and businesses that could benefit from police presence. 

I'm still confused. 

At least now the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together nicely.

I told Michael my realization.  I let him know that I was angry at men who try to control me through violence and fear.  If these men don't stop, they have to leave my life. 

He said it was about "damn time" for me to "speak up." 

I thought I'd share.

I'm not sure what to do. 

I can't stand my life.  I hate sleeping alone.  I want a man I can sleep with who won't call me names or belittle me.

I can't find that man until I clean up the mess here.   

I'm seriously thinking about getting the house ready to sell and moving out of state.

I have to formulate a plan. 


The problem with stalking is that it is difficult to pin-point the WHO and the WHY.   It is a confounding crime.  It's not straight forward like bank robbery.  If someone robs a bank, we know why...they want money. 

The only reason to stalk someone is to be a pest. 


In this case it looks like Michael wanted to control me. 


That makes it easier for me to formulate a plan. 

I'll probably keep it to myself until I get it going. 

Love ya,

S.


That is one less thing to worry about now.

Research on Emotional Abuse (type and whether it can stop)

Today I am thankful for quotes: They are helping me get a clearer vision of what was going on.

All of these quotes come from the same book:

• Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”

—  Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

WHICH ABUSERS ARE MOST LIKELY TO CHANGE?

"His close friends and relatives recognize that he is abusive and tell him that he needs to deal with it. They support the abused woman instead of supporting him. I have a much more difficult time with the abuser whose friends and family back up his excuses and encourage his disrespect for the woman."

….

"His partner gets the most unreserved, unequivocal support from her friends and relatives, her religious community, and from the legal system if she needs it. The more consistently she receives the message that the abuse is in no way her fault and that her community intends to stand behind her 100 percent, the stronger and safer she feels to settle for nothing less than fully respectful treatment from her partner or ex-partner."

WHY DO ABUSIVE MEN TELL WOMEN TO SHUT UP?
“Your abusive partner doesn’t have a problem with his anger; He has a problem with your anger. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”

SHOULD A WOMAN APOLOGIZIE FOR A MAN'S MISBEHAVIOR JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE?

“…When an abused woman refuses to “look at her part” in the abuse, she has actually taken a powerful step out of self-blame and toward emotional recovery. She doesn’t have any responsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries to get her to share responsibility is adopting the abuser’s perspective.”

CAN THE PROBLEM BE THAT HE THINKS I AM A NARCISSIST?
“I have almost never worked with an abused woman who overlooked her partner’s humanity. The problem is reverse: He forgets her humanity. Acknowledging his abusiveness and speaking forcefully and honestly about how he has hurt her is indispensable to her recovery. It is the abuser’s perspective that she is being mean to him by speaking bluntly about the damage he has done. To suggest to her that his need for compassion should come before her right to live free from abuse is consistent with the abuser’s outlook. I have repeatedly seen the tendency among friends and acquaintances of an abused woman to feel that it is their responsibility to make sure that she realizes what a good person he really is inside - in other words, stay focused on his needs rather than her own, which is a mistake.”

WHY DOESN'T HE USE NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION RATHER THAN EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME?

“An abusive man is not unable to resolve conflicts nonabusively; he isunwilling to do so. The skill deficits of abusers have been the subject of a number of research studies, and the results lead to the following conclusion: Abusers have normal abilities in conflict resolution, communication, and assertivenesswhen they choose to use them. They typically get through tense situations at work without threatening anyone; they manage their stress without exploding when they spend Thanksgiving with their parents; they share openly with their siblings regarding their sadness over a grandparent’s death. But they don’twant to handle these kinds of issues nonabusively when it involves their partners. You can equip an abuser with the most innovative, New Age skills for expressing his deep emotions, listening actively, and using win-win bargaining, and then he will go home and continue abusing.”

IS ABUSE DUE TO LOW SELF-ESTEEM?

The self-esteem myth [that an abuser inflicts abuse due to low self esteem] is rewarding for an abuser, because it gets his partner, his therapist, and others to cater to him emotionally. Imagine the privileges an abusive man may acquire: getting his own way most of the time, having his partner bend over backward to keep him happy so he won’t explode, getting to behave as he pleases, and then on top of it all, he gets praise for what a good person he is, and everyone is trying to help him feel better about himself! 

Certainly an abuser can be remorseful or ashamed after being cruel or scary to his partner, especially if any outsider has seen what he did. But those feelings are a result of his abusive behavior, not a cause. And as a relationship progresses, the abusive man tends to get more comfortable with his own behavior and the remorse dies out, suffocated under the weight of his justifications. He may get nasty if he doesn’t receive the frequent compliments, reassurance and deference he feels he deserves, but this reaction is not rooted in feelings of inferiority; in fact, the reality is almost the opposite…."











HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE AN BATTERER?  CAN I BE WRONG? 

An abusive man can be scary. Even if he never raises a hand or makes a threat, his partner may find herself wondering what he is capable of. She sees how ugly he can turn, sometimes out of the blue. His desire to crush her emotionally is palpable at times. He sometimes tears into her verbally with a cruelty that she could never have imagined earlier in their relationship. When a man shows himself capable of viciousness, it is natural, and in fact wise, to wonder if he will go further. Abused women ask me over and over again: “Do you think my partner could get violent? Am I overreacting? I mean, he’s not a batterer or something.”

Before I take you through a list of points to consider in examing this issue, make a mental note of the following:

RESEARCH INDICATES THAT A WOMAN’S INTUITIVE SENSE OF WHETHER OR NOT HER PARTNER WILL BE VIOLENT TOWARD HER IS A SUBSTANTIALLY MORE ACCURATE PREDICTOR OF FUTURE VIOLENCE THAN ANY OTHER WARNING SIGN.

So listen closely to your inner voices above all.

When a woman tells me of her concerns about her partner’s potential for violence, I first encourage her to pay close attention to her feelings. If he is scaring her, she should take her intuitive sense seriously, even if she doesn’t believe his frightening behavior is intentional. Next, I want to learn more about what has already happened:

Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?

Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?

Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?

Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?

Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?

Has he ever threatened to hurt you?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been. In more than half of cases in which a woman tells me that her partner is verbally abusive, I discover that he is physically assaultive as well.

It is critical to use common-sense — and legal — definition of what constitute violence not the abuser’s definition. An abuser minimizes his behavior by comparing himself to men who are worse than he is, whom he thinks of as “real” abusers. If he never threatens his partner, then to him threats define real abuse. If he only threatens but never actually hits, then real abusers are those who hit. Any abuser hides behind this mental process: If he hits her but never punches her with a closed fist…If he punches her but she has never had broken bones or been hospitalized…If he beats her up badly but afterward he apologizes and drives her to the hospital himself (as several clients of mine have done)…In the abuser’s mind his behavior is never truly violent.

A related mental process reveals itself when a client says to me, as many do: “I’m not like one of those guys who comes home and beats his wife for no reason.” In other words, if he had adequate justification, then it isn’t violence. The abuser’s thinking tends to wend it’s way inside of the woman, too, like a tapeworm. The partners of my clients say things to me, such as “I really pushed him to far,” or “He’s never hit me; he just shoves me sometimes,” that almost certainly come from the abuser’s indoctrination.

To steer clear of these distortions, we need to wrestle the definition of violence out of the hands of the abusers and implement a proper one of our own."

This excerpt talks about the type of emotional abuser Steve seems to be.  I fear that if the relationship continued, it could have become physical. 

MR. SENSITIVE

Mr. Sensitive appears to be the diametric opposite of the Drill Sergeant. He is soft-spoken, gentle, and supportive—when he isn’t being abusive. He loves the language of feelings, openly sharing his insecurities, his fears, and his emotional injuries. He hugs other men. He may speak out about the absurdity of war or the need for men to “get in touch with their feminine side.” Often he has participated extensively in therapy or twelve-step programs, or reads all the big self-help books, so he speaks the language of popular psychology and introspection. His vocabulary is sprinkled with jargon like developing closeness, working out our issues, and facing up to hard things about myself. He presents himself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. To some women, he seems like a dream come true.

So what’s wrong with this picture? Nothing obvious yet. But this is exactly the problem: Mr. Sensitive wraps himself in one of the most persuasive covers a man can have. If you start to feel chronically mistreated by him, you are likely to assume that something is wrong with you, and if you complain about him to other people, they may think you must be spoiled: “You have the New Age man, what more do you want?”

The following dynamics are typical of a relationship with Mr. Sensitive and may help explain your feeling that something has gone awry:

1. You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren’t sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won’t be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He’ll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt “I’m sorry.”)
2. When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language (“Just let the feelings go through you, don’t hold on to them so much,” or “It’s all in the attitude you take toward life,” or  “No one can hurt you unless you let them”) to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.
3. With the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on to you for anything he is dissatisfied with in his own life; your burden of guilt keeps growing.
4. He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may even become threatening or intimidating. Mr. Sensitive has the potential to turn physically frightening, as any style of abuser can, no matter how much he may preach nonviolence. After an aggressive incident, he will speak of his actions as “anger” rather than as “abuse, ” as though there were no difference between the two.
5. He blames his assaultive behavior on you or on his emotional “issues,” saying that his feelings were so deeply wounded that he had no other choice. Many people reject the possibility that Mr. Sensitive could be an abuser.

Saying the word abuse to an abusive person can be like lighting a tinderbox: When you name the unmentionable secret, he goes wild.One of my clients got loud, rolled his eyes at what a hysterical exaggerator he considered me to be, and adopted a victim stance, saying, “I beg you to stop this.” Then came the most important part: He said in a screeching whine, “I have only put a hand on a partner once in my life, many years ago, and I just barely pushed her away from me like this”—and he shoved me hard by the shoulder—“after she called my mother a sick woman.” [..]The strength of the shove he gave me would have shaken up most women. I now doubted that the assaultive incident he had described was his only occasion of physically intimidating a woman.

At this point I asked him to leave my workshop. I then had to deal with a mini-insurrection from some of the other workshop participants who couldn’t believe I was ejecting this gentle man who was so in touch with his feelings. He cries after all, how could he be abusive?

This “gentle man” style of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He may not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.

The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are:

1. I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive.
2. As long as I use a lot of “psychobabble,” no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.
3. I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work. I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.
4. Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
5. Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men."

*****

I don't think it is possible for Steve to change.  The reason I say this is that it seems like his mother and therapist support and enable the abuse.  I can give specific examples.  His mother deals with the communication from his ex-wives, she raises his daughter, and several of the incidents between Steve and I were precipitated by three hour long conversations with his mother where she coaches him into deciding what he needs from me.  Apparently what he needs is domination.   Seriously....one should talk to his girlfriend about things prior to talking to his mother.  It could be that he doesn't do this, too.   He could just say "my mother says" or "my therapist says" to try to get me to behave in a certain fashion.  I'm just reporting back what it was that I've been told. 
Every time he does something abusive and creepy (usually in the form of abusive voice messages, text messages or emails), we break up.  At this point, he starts posting to Facebook about the things his therapist allegedly says.  He claims she says that I lack self-esteem and feel unworthy of love (because I left), that I am trying to keep him hooked (by leaving), that I abuse him because I fear losing the relationship (I left), and that it is unhealthy for a man to talk to girlfriends who keep "throwing [him] away."   I have asked numerous times for the therapist's name.  No, by law, she's not allowed to talk to me about Steve but I can interview her to see if she needs to be reported to DORA for acting outside her scope of training.   

It could also be that Steve is lying about his mother and therapist, too.  I do not know. 

If Steve were to change, he'd need people in his life that hold him accountable rather than enable him.  I do not know that he has that. 

Before reading this book, I never pegged him as a physical abuser.  There was a time when he grabbed and shook my jaw when I was trying to explain a political concept.  The net result of that was that I shut up.   I don't like to try to talk about politics around him anymore.   He has been physically abusive.  I didn't notice.

I never even pegged him an emotional abuser until he started saying that about me.

It makes me wonder if he had been arrested for domestic violence before.
***** 

If you're being disrespected, it is the first step towards abuse. 
All I can say is leave. 

If the man loves you, he will ensure that he never purposely disrespects you again.

If he doesn't, he does NOT love you.  

Leave...for your sanity.

EVENTUALLY THE PAIN OF STAYING WILL OUTWEIGH THE PAIN OF LEAVING. 

This is where I am. 


I'm going to be crying about this for a long time.



Love ya,

S.