Inventory

Today I am thankful for the opportunity for reflection. 

I'm taking inventory of my past relationships. 


I ripped the following information from a website in order to share it.  I'll put check marks before the behavior I saw in my last relationship. 

If you are in a relationship where the red flags are waving, consider doing the same thing.  It helps give clarity.  Without clarity, I feel guilt.  Clarity helps me see the areas of discomfort.  This method helps.

I'm not sure these behaviors can change.  That will be my next quest.   You know, we have the right to set boundaries in relationships.  If one cannot understand that, one does not deserve the pleasure of our company. 

I did leave notes.  There was so much going on that it would take me a long time to fill in everything.  I'll just comment on those things that are borderline problems.  I'll comment on the small things that I let slip by without thinking about it until I was long gone.

Trust me, I am NOT a victim.  I started having trouble with my ex's family thirty years ago.  I was fourteen years old and far too young to recognize narcissism for what it was.  This last relationship was my first one since my ex-husband.  I really haven't had a lot of practice sorting the weeds from the flowers. 

This inventory helps. 

To be fair, I couldn't talk to Steve anymore.  He had become so abusive that I wouldn't answer my phone or check my emails.  He was consistently attacking me and making up stuff to blame me for so we couldn't talk about the real problems in the relationship.  At that point, there really is no reason to continue in a relationship.  The day you start seeing the man you love as a monkey throwing crap at a wall to see what sticks IS the day one must end it. 

I'm not saying that he is a bad person, he just wanted more time and attention (narcissistic supply) than I can give another human being.  I need to rebuild my life.  I had a dying relative.  My ex-husband is ill and, it seems, has no where to turn for support.  I have four children and a grand-daughter.  I am a political activist.  I am a writer.  I have a small business and am looking for a job.  I have time for intimacy.  I do not have time to meet extraordinary ego needs or argue over minutia. 

It may have been different if my kindness and boundaries were not met with constant personal attacks that were quite dishonest (many of them broadcast over his Facebook page).  Steve did what many battering men do, he engaged in a pre-emptive strike.  When he thought I would talk about what was going on, he went to Facebook to claim that I was engaging in the abusive behavior he was indulging in.   Worse, he put me in no win situations.  The last one was telling everyone that I abused him because I feared losing the relationship.  At this point, the only option available to me was to end the relationship.  I tried to tell him what was going on but he kept sending me abusive emails.  I stopped reading and counting them after receiving my 27th email following our break-up. 

I may conjure another djinn.  I keep hearing that he's insulting me on Facebook.  Be warned- This djinn mistress is willing to wish for a set of broken wrists.  If Steve doesn't take back his filth and continues to portray himself as a victim, one would think it would be a kindness to give him something real to whine about.  Okay, I'll stop joking around.  Crazy people believe those kinds of things. 

My inventory is below.  Hope this helps someone somewhere someday. 

In the coming days I'll write about people with narcissistic features and the mental disorders they develop when they don't get enough supply.   One thing they develop is paranoia hence my joke about threatening to have demons break his wrists.  If he's going to be paranoid, I can make the threat unbelievable so other people know I'm not serious. 

Love,

S. 

P.S.  My friend, the one who was being abused by her boyfriend just left.  She was the reason that I began posting about domestic violence.  This week she sold her engagement ring and got a ticket back home.  She was able to get an apartment and furniture, too.  I'm happy that I did not remove those posts Steve demanded that I remove.  I truly believe that the information helped save her life. 

Key:

√  Yes, this happened.


= Neutral: It started to happen but I neutralized it.  We usually broke up at this point and got back together.


X  No, I did not see this.

18 Early Signs During Dating of a Potential Abuser or Batterer
taken from http://www.womenaresafe.org/emotional.html

1. √ Being overly needy - always needing help or some type of emotional support from you. Potential abusers often start out with a poor sad puppy or bleeding heart type of behavior. They express feeling downtrodden, saying they always come up short or mistreated by others. Always wants your help to fix or overcome this "problem". 


2. = Makes decisions for you without asking - about social plans, dinner menus, etc. You are often not asked what you want or if commitments fit your schedule before they commit you and your time or make other choices for you.  There was an assumption that I would be available to pick him up from work every Friday.  There was one occasion when I was invited to a political event but Steve set up a karate class to help me overcome the stalking.  I missed the event.  I can't be mad about that because he was trying to help me. 


3. √ Bragging or excessive boasting - potential abusers often try to impress by bragging on accomplishments. Cocky, relaxed or arrogant in their own social circle, but may be uncomfortable in yours.


4. √ Insecure around others/General paranoia - May seem "normal" in conversations with you, but uncomfortable around others you introduce him to such as your friends, family, co-workers, etc. Potential abusers are often paranoid in general - of other's motives or actions (including yours) in an unrealistic way, looking for hidden meanings, unfounded suspicions.


5. √ Invades your privacy - shows up unexpectedly at your house, in social settings when you are out with friends. Is generally "nosey" about what you are doing, who your friends are, picks up and reads your mail when visiting you. Questions you about activities in ways that seem unreasonable or intrusive.


6. √ Ignores or disregards your boundaries - pressures you in spite of your having said no (to any thing/activity), appears to deliberately do things or treat you in ways you have expressly said you dislike. Acts as though "they forgot" when crossing a boundary you have expressed previously.


7. √ Lies or manipulates you - Finding out you have not been told the truth about something, often even simple things that seem silly to hide or lie about. Situations that make you feel misled and you feel you were deceived for no reason, that the truth would have been easily acceptable. Resorts to being angry or evasive when confronted with the truth.  Mind games - having my concert tickets sold after we arrived at the venue just to see how I would react.  This game was particularly horrid because he did it to exclude me.  He and his daughter got to dance on the floor while I stood alone in the stands because I wound up with a different set of tickets.  Steve and his daughter returned but he did not acknowledge me.  In fact, he danced with his back to me for well over an hour.  I, quite frankly, did not need to be there.    Additionally, he often went to Facebook to lie about me when he wasn't getting what he wanted.  He did this within two weeks of our relationship.  Every time he pulled this stunt, I thought it was a misunderstanding and would go back.  This last time, I KNOW he knew what he was doing.  He told everyone that I had emotionally abused him by talking for 15 minutes.  This is what cost him my friendship.  I'm hearing that he is comparing me to James Holmes (if you knew what city I am politically active in, you'd know how angry I am), lying about my hair color, threatening to kill me by posting pictures of bloody women and making references to me, claiming that I am lying about being stalked (after he threatened to stalk me) and claiming that I beat him.   I have to say that I am hearing this from mutual friends and have not seen this for myself because I refuse to look at his emails, text messages or social networks. 


8. √ Over-reacts, uptight or twitchy - A potential abuser is over-sensitive to simple situations, small comments, often seems "on edge" or uneasy for no reason. You may ask "what's wrong" when they are obviously acting uptight, yet they won't share anything, preferring to answer "nothing" or try to pretend things are fine.


9. √ Pushy with others and/or you - Can't let others have their own opinions, must have the last word. May cause arguments or take issue with others, often over things that seem simple or not worth arguing over.   I have developed a sudden dislike of Anarchists due to Steve's insistence on arguing over it CONSTANTLY.   I see Anarchists as hypocrites who like to argue about nothing.  Steve would argue about dumb things.  Often these arguments were misinformed (e.g. he claimed that the Romans conquered Ireland in the name of Jesus therefore Christianity is an evil religion that supports slavery and that because I do not eschew Christians I support slavery, too...uh....no...).  Other times the arguments were hypocritical (e.g. I am a bad person for supporting the rights of children in public schools because they shouldn't exist even though his children attend them  - we had similar arguments over public transportation).   Anarchists believe that voting and admitting the government exists give life to it and that if they ignore it, it will go away.   First, it is hypocritical to claim that ignoring it will make it go away yet he (and two others I know) spend a lot of time harassing Libertarians on the web for paying their taxes.  Talking about the government IS NOT ignoring it.  Secondly, they like to sue governments to get out of paying taxes by citing the governments own laws (which again is allegedly giving life to something they think will go away if they ignore it).  The following is the main reason I do not believe that Steve believes in Liberty or is an Anarchist: IF ONE IS AN ANARCHIST, ONE BELIEVES IN THE CONCEPT OF NO SLAVES AND NO MASTERS.  IF SO, IT'S HYPOCRITICAL TO ABUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO TRY TO GAIN CONTROL OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!   


10. = Pressuring you for sexual acts - these are often for sexual favors or acts that you are uncomfortable with and/or dislike. Tries to point out others "do it", swears they "can't help themselves". Ignores your wishes to not engage in such activities. This type of behavior is about not being able to control themselves sexually with partners.  When he wanted me to engage in BDSM without talking about a safe word, I left.  There is no need to engage in an activity that I am uncomfortable with.  Rather than talk about it, he got pushy.


11. √ Feelings of discomfort around their family/friends - Something about their close friends, family members, etc. doesn't feel right. You often feel like a misfit in their company, or perhaps that you don't really like these individuals. Family members may seem harsh to each other, unforgiving or unreasonable in their expectations, they may argue openly in front of you. I found his mother to be incredibly negative.  She is an amazing human being but I found her to be a tad bit judgmental especially when it came to how much other people weighed. 


12. √ Overbearing parents or other family - Family members expect to tell them what job to do, what to do for socials, what instruments and such the children/teenagers should play, in general deciding what they should do and not do. Often times eventual victims are pushed into marriage by the potential abuser's family, as if it's ok to make the decision for you or assume marriage on your behalf, make plans and arrangements for wedding ceremonies and parties without consulting with you.  I saw a lot of this with regard to how his mother treated his daughter.  His mother often tried to commandeer my time with him.  I don't think I had a weekend with him that was free from her interference.   I left the relationship when I waited in a hot parking lot over well over hour for his mother.  I didn't get dinner that night (Steve did).  I was sunburned to the hilt.  What really upset me was that I couldn't discuss setting boundaries with either Steve or his mother with regard to the use of my time.  He considered it abusive to set a boundary.  


13. X Road rage - Viewing other people's bad driving as a personal assault, like they were doing something on purpose. Aggressive toward other drivers who are minding their own business, won't allow others to pass, plays games with innocent drivers just to annoy/aggravate them. Other drivers are considered "idiots".  I did all the driving because he had lost his license.  Still, there were times when he would yell out the window at other drivers.


14. √ Possessive - dislikes letting you out of their sight, takes offense when others offer you compliments, feels others are trying to take you away from them.  There was an issue when I was trying to affirm a homeless man.   Steve grabbed my arm and yanked me away.  Later when I tried to explain what I was doing, Steve didn't believe the man was homeless.  I used to do charity work with homeless people.  It is a population I understand.


15. √ Ignoring your own gut instincts - when you have feelings of discomfort, misgivings, yet you ignore them or brush them aside, constantly making excuses for the dating partner's behaviors that seem inappropriate, or defending them against others.


16. X Uses spiritual beliefs or religion to pressure you into commitment - telling you God has plans for you together, how you are meant to be together because it was God's plan. Often this later leads to pressuring that you would be disobeying God if you left the relationship.  I thought Steve was the answer to a prayer I made to Isis and Osiris.  I was wrong.  I'm not sure if he bought into that.  I did.  This is probably why I put up with his crap longer than I should have.


17. √ Disgruntled relationships with previous partners - Abusers often have lingering discontent with former girlfriends/boyfriends or spouses. Often they blame past partners for relationship failures, deny past abuse charges or arrests (may admit the legal action occurred but deny they were at fault), or have constant arguments with former partners over the children (custody, parenting issues) from these relationships.  He claimed that we were all "crazy", "abusive", "narcissist"s.


18. √ Stories of previous anger, violence or abuse - Others close to them, often friends or family, tell stories or relate incidents of outbursts or violence. Often times to a future victim these stories seem unbelievable or out of character for the new partner, the victim cannot believe the new partner could act in such a way.  He attacked a few of our mutual friends verbally and over Facebook. In the end, they were urging me to stay away from him.  

 

15 Warning Signs of An Abusive or Battering Personality

The following list has been compiled to help identify characteristics of an abuser for those already involved in relationships. The behaviors are more severe than the list above. Overtime, abuse will escalate, therefore leading to more severe behavior and warning signs. If your partner displays a combination of these behaviors, he/she may be a batterer and abuser:

1. = Quick Involvement: Many victims of battering date or know their abuser for less than six months before they are engaged or living together. The battering type comes on strong, claiming, "you're the only person I could ever talk to," or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." He/she pressures you for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.   He told people that we were living together.  We weren't.  That was a huge red flag.


2. √ Jealousy: An abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Excessively possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly, suspicious of your friendship and involvement with others.  One of the final emails I bothered reading claimed that I never divorced my ex-husband and  was cheating on him with numerous 'F*ck buddies' on the side.  This was one of the emails my ex-husband intercepted (*see below).  He saw it before I did.  Oh, boy...was he livid!  


3. = Controlling Behavior: Questions you intensely about whom you talked to and where you were, checks car mileage or checks up on you in other ways; keeps all the money; insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.   I never let things get to this point.  To be fair,  I did give him $100 during our last weekend to buy food.  He went on to claim that I never helped do anything or helped him buy anything.   That last weekend, I did feel like I was being quizzed about my whereabouts.  We have power.  We don't have to tell people things they are not entitled to know. 


4. √ Unrealistic Expectations: Expects you to be the perfect partner and to meet his/her every need and/or the children's needs without help.  I felt as though I could never do or say anything right.  There is too much to type.


5. X Isolation: Limits your involvement with family and friends; deprives you of a phone or a car; tries to prevent you from holding a job. You try to keep the abuser happy by not seeing anyone but him/her. You become truly isolated with no friends or family you feel close enough to talk to about what's going on.  He didn't want me to talk about certain topics with my friends or family, even if those topics were professional in nature because he thought it would make him look bad.  I left my computer signed into Gmail one day.  My daughter used it and saw hundreds of messages from Steve.  She shared them with her father*.  I had no idea how bad they were until my ex-husband confronted me, forbade the children from being near him, and threatened to kick Steve's arse should he show up unannounced at my house again.  It was at this moment that I realized that I felt isolated and unable to share what was going on with the people I knew.  


6. √ Blames Others for Problems: Any mistakes made by the batterer will be blamed on you or someone else. The job, the waitress, you, anyone - it's always someone else's fault if any thing goes wrong. Everyone is out to get him/her.


7. √ Blames Others for Feelings: They say, "You've caused this problem by making me feel this way" or "You make me angry, I can't help it" instead of "I'm sorry" or "Let's work this out".  This one was big.  He'd send me emails claiming that I said he made me feel sad and needed to take responsibility for my feelings.  I do not recall saying that.  Then, he'd say that I made him feel angry. 


8. √ Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted. They'll rant and rave about injustices that are just part of everyday living.  There was a lot of this.  There was a bizarre twist to this in that, I couldn't compliment anyone without pissing him off.  If I were to use my breath complimenting someone, it had to be him.  


9. = Cruelty to Animals and Children: Kills or punishes animals brutally, being insensitive to their pain or suffering. Also, may expect children to do things beyond their ability, tease them until they cry, or tickle them until they hurt.  I did see this right after I broke up with him.  One day I received 27+ emails complaining about me not buying him things, not being intimate enough with him (and telling him all my secrets so he could throw them in my face) and having poor communication skills.  He also demanded that I go to Facebook to set the record straight.  Within days, his daughter went on to Facebook and apologized to the world for having poor communication skills.  Her apology was verbatim to what the man was writing about me.  This is what prompted a  psychotherapist buddy of mine to urge me to call social services.
10. √ Playful Use of Force During Sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding against your will during sex, says he/she finds the idea of rape exciting. A batterer may show little concern about whether you want to have sex and use anger to get you to give into having sex.  He choked me during our first kiss.  I had trouble kissing him after that.  This is why I put myself into therapy.  I thought I was being a prude.  He was also afraid that I would file rape charges against him for his behavior and I think that last sentence is pretty self-explanatory. 


11. √ Verbal Abuse: Constantly criticizes you or says cruel things, degrades you, swears at you, name-calling.  Too much to list.  This is the stuff that hurts.   He claimed to be a practitioner  of Non-Violent Communication (NVC).  I couldn't tell him what I felt.  He could be cruel to me under the guise of letting his inner jackal out...sigh...  I feel called to go to a journal with an article about why NVC will NOT work for domestic violence offenders.  Steve has put a lot of his lying criticism jackal crap on Facebook.  I actually had someone approach me calling him a douche and an "ass-munch" for doing that.  I have no clue what an ass-munch is...if you know, please leave a comment. 


12. = Rigid Sex Roles: Expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.  He didn't start doing this until the last weekend we were together.  He made a lot of plans for me without my consent.  He expected me to play the role of chauffer and the water bearer.


13. √ Sudden Mood Swings, "Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": Switches from sweet and loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes. Mood swings and explosive emotions are typical of a battering personality.  There is too much to list here.  Towards the end, I did not know what I could say without getting kicked out of his apartment, triggering a wall of silence, or triggering a cascade of abusive texts.  Sometimes those mood swings would occur when I was not even around and I'd wind up with nasty messages. 


14. X Past Battering: Admits hitting men/women in the past but says the situation brought it on. Legal convictions of past battering with another partner, but denys[sic] wrong-doing.  He claimed his ex was a batterer.  I don't believe that now.  I started to question it when I saw damage to the appliances in his kitchen.  I think he broke them in a fit of rage. 


15. √Threats of Violence: Makes statements such as, "I'll hurt you", "I'll kill you" or "I'll slap you", then dismisses them with "I really didn't mean it" or "I was just upset."  He threatened to stalk me, even though he knew that I was being stalked by my ex-husband's family.  Now he is running around telling people that I am lying about being stalked.  This scares me.  If he brands me as lying about stalking, then he can potentially stalk me and discredit me.   On the bright side, he has no car or driver's license so his opportunities for stalking me are limited to public transportation. 

 NOW, I am going to share the biggest tip-off to an abusive relationship.  For me, it came four weeks before I ended it. 


That was Steve's admission that he actively looks for head games to play with me.   He had broken up with me because I wasn't answering my Facebook messages.  He had given me until 5:00 to answer or he would file a restraining order if I tried to pick up my stuff.   Steve had said that he came up with the idea after a three hour conversation with his mother. 


That wasn't the tip off. 


After he was blocked, I went on with life.  I continued to post about hypnosis and political things to my Facebook page.   He had said that he thought all of the things I posted were about him.  He tried to report me to Facebook to get my account suspended.  He said he GOT THAT IDEA because he had inadvertently reported a woman to Facebook earlier that week and he wanted to try that on me. 

I remember when I was a victim's advocate for the local district attorney.  Men would talk about how they fantasized about hurting their wives and girlfriends.  They would brag about planning attacks. 

That was when I began to realize Steve was trying to abuse me.  I thought he wanted to stop it.  I guess not. 

Maybe someday I'll share what he did that was incredibly difficult to deal with.  Well, maybe I won't. 
Love ya,

S.