The Difference 36 Hours Makes

Today I am thankful that my life is turning around.

 

 

I started bleeding around 5:00 p.m. on October 14, 2014.  I was at the eye doctor getting glasses for my thirteen year old daughter.  I had to hide my clothes because the bleeding was scary. 

 

Right before 11:00, I saw what would end up explaining everything. 

 

• I know why I was fainting in the morning when I got out of bed too fast. 
• I know why the sun was making me feel sick. 
• I know why my breasts were sore (seriously, I thought it was the birth control pills).
• I know why I got dizzy when I forgot to eat.
• I know why soda made me sick to my stomach.
• I know why I was craving ginger. 
• I know why I was crying all the darn time.  
• I know why I was tired all the darn time.  
• I know why I couldn't stand the smell of smoke or incense.     
• I know why I was sick to my stomach constantly.  
• I know why the smell of onions made me wretch. 
• I know why I developed a taste for jalapenos and hot peppers.  I typically hate them. 

 

It all makes sense!

 

It really and truly makes sense. 

 

I have a new respect for my ex-husband.  This would be the sixth time he's had to share a home with me in that condition!  We don't spend a lot of time together now.  He probably didn't notice.

 

*****

 

This morning, I got out of bed without fainting. 

 

I want to work for a specific entity which shall go unnamed.   This employer will give me credits towards my student loan and will pay for my future education.  My target job will enable me to use my degree and give me a flexible schedule which is invaluable for a single parent.  My issue is that I lack work references because I've worked for myself for the past seventeen years.

 

I learned that they have temporary positions this time of year.  I realized that this would help me learn the company's computer system, make contacts at the company and help me familiarize myself with the culture. 

 

The temporary jobs fill up quite fast.  I thought I had missed my chance to get my foot in the door.  The temporary job interviews were held the last Friday in August.  I was with Steve that day.  I thought I had to choose between being with him or the job. 

 

I chose to be with him. 

 

Well.....this morning, I received an email about a job fair. 

 

I went. 

 

It was for the job I was eyeing.

 

I was hired on the spot.

 

The interview was quick and easy. 

 

I entered a room and was met by the HR manager.  She told me that the job involves driving to various locations at unspecified times, six days a week for the next  three weeks.  I have to deal with the computer and stressed out people! 

 

I love people!  I love fast paced work!

 

She told me that I was hired!!

I start Monday. 

 

That was easy. 

I wonder if it would have been easy to get that job last August.  I'm thinking that it was easy because they couldn't fill it earlier.  Perhaps that delay was a stroke of lucky.

 

I didn't cry even though the company headquarters is two miles from Steve's home. 

 

The best part is that Shannon or Michael won't know where I work because I won't know!  It's a temporary job with various hours and locations.  It'll be a surprise!  It'll make it hard for them to stalk me.  

 

*****

 

I used to visit the Kroger in the area every Saturday when I left Steve's house.  I'd usually spend some time talking with the Manager.  His name is Mike. 

 

I never thought of it as flirting so much as engaging in conversation. 

 

All of that paid off today.

 

I am still suffering hormonal lapses of judgment.  I am still finding myself running to the bathroom consistently and dealing with hot flashes.  I'm told this will pass in the next few weeks. 

 

So, today....I dropped my brand new wallet somewhere at the store. 

 

I was beside myself. 

 

I looked in the parking lot.

 

I searched my car. 

 

Exasperated, I went back into the store and methodically searched every aisle that I had visited before.

 

I heard the manager, Mike, call my name.

 

He had found my wallet! 

 

That was when I started to cry!! 

 

 I needed my driver's license to get a social security card for my new job. 

Without my license, I feared losing the job I had just been given. 

 

It's nice to make friends in those places we frequent! 

 

I'm going to write Mike's boss a stellar customer letter. 

 

I'm off to do that now. 

*****

 

Yes, I'm still crying when I realize what was going on with me.   There is a lot less brain fog.  It is bitter sweet.  I was tired of being sad.  Now, I find that it is the knowledge that I didn't know what was going on with me that makes me sad. 

 

I had no idea.  The test came back negative!  How in the world can that happen?

 

I wonder what I did wrong. 

 

I wonder if I should have done something different. 

 

I wonder if my behavior would have changed if I knew.

 

Would I say anything? 

Would I have actually gone to the doctor before my yearly November physical?

 

Would I have gone to the dentist? 

Would I have taken so many supplements?

Would I have given up the nicotine?  Actually, I did.  It made me throw up.  I think I know why now.

 

I don't know what I would have done. 

We broke up once before and I was a week late.  I honestly thought that I was just late because I was stressed out!  I am in shock. I really am.

All I know is that there was a fragile life growing within that I didn't treat with the honor and respect it deserved.   Many Pagans are pro-life.  We do not believe in destroying gifts from the goddess. 

 

I had no idea. 

Cue the waterworks....damn it!!



I am sure that this is for the best...but it still hurts.  It still feels like a loss. 

 

I'm going to be spending a lot more time in prayer wondering why I had to endure this experience at this point in my life.  

 

These things don't happen to celibate women. 

 

I'm realizing that celibacy does have it's advantages.

 

If I ever date again, the man is going to have to be kind.  Being emotionally abused while one is hormonal is a living nightmare.  I never want to repeat that!

I literally thought that all the crying was due to all the abusive emails and the insensitive behavior.  I didn't think it was due to anything physical.  If it weren't for all the meanness, maybe I would have known....maybe....


I don't know.

Love ya,

 

S.