Today I am thankful for my ex-husband's help.
He is watching the children so I can do my temporary job. The pay off is that if I can make $32,500 per year, he's off of the hook for alimony.
In return for his help, he is getting all of the tax breaks. It was hard to write 0 deductions on that w-4 form. Sometimes we have to give a little to get a little.
I'm thankful none-the-less. This is my one shot of getting away.
*****
The one thing I wish for is a partner to share my bed with. I have no one. I haven't had anyone in years. He started sleeping apart from me in 2001! It feels like a lifetime ago.
I still wake up in the middle of the night in tears.
My Christian friends applaud the fact that I am still kind to Mike.
It hurts so much to keep putting my needs on hold.
I'm still doubtful that I will be able to get away until the youngest is out of the house.
I'm working on it.
I find myself praying for Michael's health.
I am terrified he's going to die. He can't walk without breaking out in a cold sweat. He can't walk without getting winded. I don't want to have to put together his funeral. I don't want to have to be in the same room with his family.
I don't want him to die on my watch! I wish the doctors would schedule those surgeries!!
*****
I'm still sad.
I still cry when I have moments to myself.
The hormones made my hair grow longer. My nails are super long. I'm still head-achy and I think I look like a cow.
I decided to stop taking birth control pills. I don't want anyone. I don't plan on seeing anyone. They really didn't help me avoid psychologically painful experiences either. I give up. The doctor is trying to talk me into sterilizing myself. I don't know....I'll never have another partner. Why bother?
I am very confused.
I am probably going to be confused for a long time.
*****
I honestly thought that I would marry Steve.
It had to do with a vision that I had in February of 2011.
He was the man in the vision.
Now, though, I'm wondering.
Could it have been a premonition? a warning? Was he someone that I was supposed to avoid?
I'll never know.
When he was nice, he was nice. When he was insecure, he was very mean and abusive.
Now, I'm being told that he's a victim. I had a therapist buddy warn me about that. She said that men who claim to be victims of women are dangerous, especially when they run around claiming that women who are being stalked lie about it.
Most men, especially victims of domestic violence, want to protect everyone from that fate. True victims will NEVER make fun of someone enduring trauma. Most men won't either.
She told me to stay away from Steve for good.
*****
The problem with emotionally abusive phone calls, emails, texts and conduct is that the only way to cope with it is to go no-contact.
This conflicts with the human desire for closure. We want people we love to know that they are important to us. It just can be a painful thing to do when someone fancies shooting barbed arrows carrying their sins onto you.
Everything he said about me, was a projection of him.
When he wrote that I was cheating.....I began to realize that he was really looking around for other people. He wanted me to post accolades to him so other woman would go out with him.
When he said that I never loved him....I realized....that he never loved me.
It's a hard thing to deal with.
*****
I wasted three and a half years in love with him.
I turned away a spiritual old flame that I always loved. Our break up was due to my going to college. Those are the worst because you can't say anything bad about the other person **or the relationship. It's great not having anything bad to say about someone or the relationship until you find yourself staring into their eyes 26 years later, you feel the unspoken love enveloping both of you yet you are afraid to say a word because you don't know why it didn't work out the first time. It was bittersweet - the love and the pain of the lost years. Sure we were both hurting but I wasn't sure which action would hurt him more - telling him I cared or keeping my feelings to myself. So I stayed silent and watched my stalkers watching us.
Yeah...Doug and Shannon were there the last time we met. I've hidden from him since and pray he's found a hottie. I couldn't hide the fact I cared for him. He pointed out that I had tears welling up in my eyes when he told me about the broken bones he developed on his adventures.
Sigh.....I fear I predicted the injuries...Yikes....
There was another......
I turned away a wonderful "pagan friendly" bass player (but he is incredibly happy with his new beautiful lady so that one worked out perfectly).
He was also a Trekkie and a nerd. He's hot. I met him when I tripped over his beautifully huge feet (sigh) at a charity auction grabbing at Star Trek memorabilia. He plays bass for a band that plays Pagan music. He's got an Ibanez but I wouldn't hold that against him as I'd never have one against me.
Yeah....there was a stalker hanging around when this man and I met the second time, too. He mentioned that he thought I was unavailable because of the way this person looked at me.
I think he's right. I have no choice but to be alone.
I'm happy he's happy. It's all good. He gave me good advice while we spoke.
Both of these guys looked super hot in their kilts.
Irish lasses attract Scottish men.
I thought Steve was the one because he was everything I asked Isis and Osiris for. I guess I forgot to ask for kind hearted and non-abusive.
Man...I was wrong.
He even pretended to be Scottish. When I had a tie sent to him from Scotland with his family pattern and he didn't know what it was.....
I should have known.
He was fake.
It's interesting...
*****
The multitude of nasty emails got me to the point where I would refuse to check my emails.
I started a new advertising campaign right before Steve went nuts.
I missed many clients' emails.
I cannot afford to have that kind of negativity in my life.
Now, that it is gone, I am thinking more clearly. I am realizing that I can split the rent on my office to save some money and still have my business.
I'm finding new ways of earning an income.
All I needed was a clear head.
I'm beginning to find myself double-booked. Last month, I didn't have very much going on. Now I'm having to reschedule people.
It's all good.
*****
I bought Steve an anniversary present a few months back. It is an antique compass. I had it engraved. It says....
"I would be lost without you."
I realized that I was more lost with him in my life. I could never address what I needed to address with him.
I felt lost.
I always held out hope that one day I'd find a solution that would allow us to be together.
I never did.
I never found anyone that I could talk it out with.
My friends hated Steve because he had attacked a few of them.
My family hated Steve when he wrote that I was lying about the stalking.
My ex-husband began to hate him when he saw the emails. He read them before I did.
I don't know.....
I don't know....
Maybe I'll conjure a spirit or spell to inhabit the compass.
Perhaps another djinn?
I allegedly have a new djinni. It is on a bracelet.
It was said that she refuses to engage in dark wishes. She wants to be a companion. She wants to help make the world a better place.
If metaphysical entities are actually projections and mirrors of our minds, there must be a good person locked inside me somewhere.
I'm trying to decide what to wish for.
If I knew what I wanted, I could get that without the illusion of magick.
I don't know what I want.
*****
Without Steve and Michael in my daily life, I am having more time for my spiritual practice. I light candles five times a day. I can see the shift in my energy.
Maybe things will get better from here.
I'll let you know.
I'm not sure if I should start posting more spells.
I'll think about it.
Love ya,
S.
**I've had a lot of hits to this entry so I thought I should complete the thought. I'm not sure I conveyed what I tried to convey.