Today I am thankful for allergy meds: I take them to help me sleep.
I need to find a way to stop dreaming.
I've never wrote this before but I've had these dreams for the past two weeks.
They are of a little girl. I'd peg her age at about three.
She has curly golden brown hair and big blue eyes.
Her name is Joy.
We pick flowers in the sun. We play with puppies. We sing. We dance. We paint.
Last Sunday, I dreamt of her being violently pulled away from me. She's sobbing and reaching out to grab my shoulders. An unknown figure has grabbed her and walking away. I'm chasing after them yet I cannot keep up because I am in too much pain to run as fast as I normally can.
Last night, in my dreams she's standing by my feet in a white robe hugging my legs. The figure is watching me from a distance. It feels hostile. I can't see it's face because it won't stop staring at the floor. I sense regret. I still don't trust it. I don't want it near me or anyone I love.
The little one looks up at me while hugging me so tight that I cannot bend down to hold her.
Her tears are gone.
There is peace.
It is painful.
It is silent...yet peaceful.
I wish the tears would stop. The headaches I can live with. The tears hurt too much.
Love ya,
S.
P.S. I have to say that I've been spending an inordinate amount of time with my three year old granddaughter. Her name is Naomi. She's quite a bit like me.
I find myself having to take crying breaks.
My aunt was much younger than her cousin. They got along famously. I find myself wondering if Naomi would have liked having a baby aunt or uncle.
Well....it's too late for that. I should count my blessings. I really should.
That relationship was not right for me. I was not right for him.
This is for the best.
Love ya dearly,
S.