Oh, no! Not Again!!!

 

Today I am thankful for Dream Water. 

Damn it!!! 

This morning I dreamt of a certain man being chased and devoured by a big, scary male lion. 

I'm not sure if I were screaming or crying because there was no one in the house to tell me. 

That's enough.  

This is getting irritating. 

I just bought 10 packets of Dream Water. 

Prazosin helps with nightmares.  If the Dream Water doesn't work, I'll visit a my doctor. 

This could be due to my bizarre sleep schedule, too.  

I don't know. ::

All I know is that for the past 33 years, I've been self-conscious about the dreams and afraid of screaming out a certain name at night. 

If nothing helps, I'm going to just exclusively date guys with that name. 

That way, at least someone can feel like a rock star because I scream that name out all the darn time. 

Fortunately, for me, it's a very common name.  

Love ya, 

S.  

Edit: October 1  - 1:29am 

Here goes the Dream Water.  

I'll let you know. 

Edit:  October 1 - 9:47am 

So far so good. 

Then again, it's the full moon.  People like me can't sleep during the full moon.  On the bright, less sleep equates to less nightmares.  

Woo hoo? 

Edit: October 3   1:53pm 

I overslept (possibly catching up on sleep). 

Nightmares again.  Too many.....

Too disturbing.....not sure I want to re-count them. 

Maybe I'll give you the short version. 

Now, if you know me, you know I take in homeless LGBTQAA kids when my life allows.  We have a dearth of shelters for this population. 

In this dream, the star of the horror flick that is my REM world was his teenager self.  He came here with absolutely nothing. 

Now, the kids in my home get either a pre-paid debit card or their own credit card attached to mine so they can buy essentials. 

He refuses. 

I ask if there is any particular brand of toiletries, clothing or any thing that will make his life more comfortable.  He doesn't answer and goes into his room.  Another kid asks for the money meant for him. 

That dream is possibly a throw back to the gossip my ex and his Arvada buddies would tell me about what happened after I graduated.  I graduated a year early (kinda regret that now because it cost me too much).  Yeah, I could offer him numerous things but if I'm not someone he particularly likes, he's probably rather starve.  I get the sense there is too much pain there for him to interact with me.  I just don't understand the source of the pain or, if it's always been there,  or why he toughs it out once in a while to visit and  write.  

          I'm sure the dream is my subconscious minds way of telling me that if I miss the relationship,  I            can always try to get a new one.  

The scene fades. 

Now, I find myself at a university at an active shooter situation.  I'm not sure if I'm a student or a professor.  I'm going from room to room evacuating a building by sending students into the basement as the doors are thick and there are no windows. 

I'm fairly successful until I come across a room on the first floor with an open window.  There is lot of baggage cluttering the window.  Good, I remember thinking.  The shooter won't see inside but a bullet could easily fly through that open gap at the top of the window (it opened from top and the bottom).  I peer inside and shout at the guy in all those dreams that we have an active shooter. 

Shit - he has earbuds.  He can't hear me.  He can't see me.  He's blissfully unaware that this asshole dressed as a soldier is barreling down the hallway, machine gun in hand shooting into each and every doorway and window, the bullets easily making their way through the thin wood.  

I wonder what he's listening to through those headphones?  If the man in the dream can't hear the rounds fly, he's probably is listening to an awesome drum solo. 

It'll probably be the last thing he hears with those ears. 

My choice is to stay put and keep screaming or run to the next level and try to save someone else. 

I stay put. 

Damn, it's a gun-free campus.  Since I like to follow rules, guess what I don't have? 

I notice the gunman's face is exposed as he gets closer to me. It would have been an easy shot (only in my dreams, that is). 

Too late. 

This dream is probably about getting older and the grim reaper coming down and dutifully taking all of us out of the school of life.  It's also another reminder that I could always go out with someone else on a different level (despite the freaky dreams that I use as one of my many excuses to avoid dating). 

There is that component that some guys want a woman to "save" them.  I don't want to be a savior. I want to be dessert.  I want to be an extra that makes life more fun.  I want him to be the same for me. 

I really don't want anyone to try to save me.  When they do that, I owe them. 

This is possibly the real reasons for the dreams.  Way back in the day, when most of my relatives died within a three year span, I actually had suicidal ideations.  A certain young man saved my life. 

I took a lot of sleeping pills.  I still do now.  Turns out over the counter sleeping pills are Benadryl.  I'm allergic to just about everything in my world. 

          Back in the day, my handfuls of sleeping pills scared the heck out of my friend.  I have a                         memory of him grabbing the bottle and flicking them at me in a mall parking lot - one by one. 

          I'm still pondering the dreams. 

Truth is, there is really nothing that I can do except light the white candles and pray everyone gets everything they need. 

          This will pass -or- I'll eventually become so senile that I'll forget who this person in my dreams              actually is. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Here is a more fitting Duran Duran song.  I need to go out and buy a new CD on the dollar rack now.  

Maybe something new?  Rap? oooh...How about death metal?  Let's see what I find. 

Why can't I find a Stanley Clarke, Victor Wooten or Marcus Miller CD on the rack?  I guess I could go to Amazon and get a copy of SMV. The problem with Amazon is that I buy too much stuff that I don't really need.   

When People Show You That They're Assholes - Believe Them

Today I am thankful for reminders that the divorce was necessary. 

I didn't write about this but my daughter went in to anaphylactic shock in mid-August.  She nearly died. 

I tend to take showers at 3:00pm.  So, I'm in the shower and hear the eldest screaming "Mom." 

Then I dear the dog barking. 

Then I hear an ambulance. 

I throw on my clothes without drying off and notice my daughter's face had swollen to twice it's size. 

Her skin was pale with splotchy red marks. 

Her hands were swollen. 

The EMT gives her an IV and tells me to drive to the hospital. 

Within minutes, I'm speeding to the Aurora Medical Center.  I text her dad and tell him she's in the hospital. 

** Crickets ** 

That's a good thing given his propensity for bitching at me, writing all sorts of gaslighting bullshit while he blames me for everything that is currently going wrong in his life. 

The doctor's can't figure out what she's allergic to.  They think it's a food.  

She ate Pringles, had a cup of noodles and drank a Dr. Pepper. 

She was told not to eat any of those foods until she sees an allergist. 

We went to the allergist twice. 

The allergist isn't sure what it was.  They've tested her for just about everything. 

It wasn't dogs, cats, shrimp, soy, wheat, peanuts, eggs, Pringles, Cup of Noodles or soda pop. 

The only thing it could have been is a mold that commonly grows on plants in Colorado.  She's deathly allergic to that. 

So, she has two Epi-pens and I just signed gobs of paperwork for the school. 

****
Today, as I'm signing the paperwork, my 16 year old daughter informs me that her father wants me to get rid of the cat and dog because he thinks they caused the allergic reaction. 

He, apparently, believes the entire incident was an overreaction to a couple of hives. 

Gee whiz!  

He may not know better because the State of Colorado's deadbeat dad enabling program (called CO-PEP) sued me to absolve him of the responsibility to help with her medical costs. 

Due to that, he doesn't see the bill and can't break down in charges. 

Mike is a  diagnosed narcissist. 

He's a bully.  He always has one person to harass, to bully, to pick on and to defame.  In the past, I ran around cleaning up after him. 

Once he bullied a bass player.  I gave that man my 5-string Koa wood Peavey.  He played it on stage a couple of times before he sold it for drugs (to cope with the bullying). 

Right now, I'm the target.  

That's okay.  

He'll get his just rewards. 

Sooner rather than later....

Actually, if he keeps telling his kids that we need to kill our pets (he has actually said this), he may pay for his emotional abuse bullshit by losing his relationship with them.  

If you are a non-custodial parent who is angry about the end of the relationship, the best revenge would be to take parenting classes and develop a stellar relationship with your kids.  That way, you'll get to hang out with your grandkids at Christmas. 

Living a great life is the best revenge. 

******

A couple of hours ago, the smoke detector in my room went off. 

Funny thing is, no candles were burning. 

I figured the familiars were trying to get my attention.  They must want me to keep burning those black candles. 

Today I received more videos of Denver cops throwing tents in garbage trucks.  I never stopped burning the Hancock candles.  It burned out when I was in the shower.  When that happens, I just light another one. 

I got more.  King Soopers is having a BOGO black candle sale.  I bought the local store clean out of them. 

So, now I have a bonfire going. 

It finally feels like fall.  

My house smells like burning peppers.  

It won't hurt to add another name to the black, flaming pyre.  (Typically, the best spells are friendship spells - because the best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend - unless they're prone to stalking, that is.) 

Love ya, 

S.  

More Nightmares - I'll need that guitar after all.

(My parents almost named me Pasty due to their wish I'd become a singer.  I owe a Denver cab driver a debt of thanks for giving them another name to consider.  Even though it's not my name, there are days when I feel like I've lived my life as a Patsy getting blamed for all my ex-husband's narcissist failed shit)  

Today I am thankful for candles and guitars. 

So, I've been having nightmares about a man from my past.  It's gone on about 33 years.  

In the past, I've prayed for him.  It's obvious I love him (but not in love*) - so the prayer was 

'please send all the love I have for [guy's name] to his lover, wife or girlfriend so that he gets the benefit of it.' 

Sometimes the prayer works. 

Sometimes it doesn't work.  I assume that those times the prayer doesn't work is when he's in between relationships because the love has no where to go. 

The dreams have hit me with a vengeance since the Covid lockdowns started. 

For a little over a week, the dreams went away.  

I believe it to be due to a little ritual I devised.  

I light a 10 hour white candle on my altar asking that he receive an unspecified miracle. 

I go upstairs and light a candle for myself asking that I find whatever The Creator wants me to find. 

In thinking about it, that's probably what caused the dreams. 

In the wee hours of the morning, I lit the candles and did some research for about six hours before falling asleep.  

About four hours after falling asleep, I woke up parched, decided to get some water and noticed the candles were out.  Then I went upstairs and back to sleep. 

The candles typically burn while I'm asleep.  This was the first time in a little over a week where I fell asleep without the candles burning. 

I dreamt of Jesus showing me a movie screen. 

Yes, even though I'm Pagan, I believe that Jesus is an angel on high.  He is the son of God.  I believe that The Creator, despite the teachings of numerous Christian saints, would not keep the ancients from knowing his son.  I simply believe they called him by other names. 

In this dream, I step inside a movie. 

I'm in a house I owned in Montbello.  In the 90's I dreamt of a similar house near 6th and Simms but could never find it.  When my ex-husband saw a house fitting that description in Montbello he bought it (without my consent - all my life savings plunked down on a house in an area without bus service - ugh - I had no money and no way to get to work as my ex-husband always took my vehicle - this was the beginning of his control - this is probably why I run from relationships, too). 

In this dream movie, I'm in this house.  The man in the dreams is there.  We hug like the friends we are (the extra bear-huggish ones we tend to have -  the kind of long hugs that say, I'll see you again in 20 years and God only knows what crap we're going to endure before we see each other again). 

We talk for a bit and catch up.  He tells me that he's staying in the lower level of the house (it was a tri-level) and shows me that he's sleeping on the floor.  I ask him why he's not in one of the three bedrooms. 

In this dream, he shows me that my ex-husband is still living in the master bedroom despite our divorce.  He'll be content to sleep on the floor.  

Where in the heck do I sleep?  

(Oh, that's right.  I don't sleep.) 

At this point in the dream I go outside and notice a garden I tended to at a house I used to rent in Lakewood and realize that it's just a dream. 

This is where it gets creepily funny.   I try to wake up to no avail.  I find a portal that will help me escape this dream world but then I end up in a world of liberal aliens trying to infiltrate this planet with football players that kneel at the sight of the flag. 

I can't stand American football (have had far too many former patients with brain injuries due to that infernal sport).  So that becomes a nightmare all of its own before I wake up alone in my bed. 

Imagine a bunch of liberal brain dead zombies 

(wow....sounds like a movie - or scrolling down my Facebook feed) 

*****
The dream pretty much explains what happened, though, I had an old friend (the guy in my nightmares) who came out to visit me in 2008.  He was in a lot of pain.  I didn't want to add to the pain.

This again played itself out in 2010 

and again 2011 (in full view of my former sister-in-law and her fiancé).

In the end, I hid from him because my stalkerish ex-husband made a verbal threat to me. 

He was going to have his family track my old friend down.  

Then, he told me that he had his family track him down.  I was also informed that while tracking my old friend, his cousin fell in love with his mother's next door neighbor.  Anyone who even suggests harassing or stalking Mrs. E.  or her home is an evil @*&@#$!!@.  That is when I had heard enough.  After that day, I don't think I've spoken a word to the lot of his relatives except to shoo them off during stalking incidents. 

[Well, that lie unraveled when I told my ex-husband that I had some art work that I wanted to return to that neighbor's parents - their daughter had died. My old friend and I once shared a drawing class with her. Back in the day, I had a habit of stealing the artwork she threw away - despite her harsh perfection, her art work is incredibly beautiful. I had it framed.  I thought her family would want it.  When I ask that his cousin give it to the decedent's brother (the guy she claimed she fell in love with) she couldn't.  That's when I realized it was a lie. ] 

Then my ex-husband took credit for my old friend contacting me. If that's the truth, I'll never forgive my ex-husband for dredging up the past. If mention of me was what caused the problems between my old friend and the girlfriend that he had at the time, I will feel absolutely horrible.  

To be fair, my ex-husband said a lot of stupid shit just to try to control me.  He also did everything in his power to drag out the divorce. Truth is, I gave up dating because he wouldn't move out of my house for YEARS after the divorce was final.

Even after he moved out, he still made insane demands on my time, finances and energy. 

Heaven help me when I told my ex NO. 

I'm never helping him again.  

*****

The dream is reminding me that I screwed up by not standing up for myself or being honest about my feelings.  

Lesson learned. 

This old friend is still sleeping dormant in my subconscious.  My ex-husband's bullshit is still taking up rentable space in my mental real estate. 

*****
In the past, I'd have nightmares about this old friend being killed, in accidents, losing or breaking limbs, being attacked by cupid's arrows to the point of bleeding to death, being eaten by wolves..... 

just horrible stuff. 

Once in a while, I have worse dreams but I don't want to talk about those.  

I'd wake up screaming 'Oh, no [friend's name]!' 

Unless it was a reoccurring dream, I was told I'd wake up the house screaming 'Oh, no!  Not again [old friend's name]!' 

After awhile I'd pretend to be singing a Rush song featuring this guy's name. 

It became a running joke.  My ex-husband would ask bands to play this song for me in public. 

It was annoying.  

To be fair, I enjoyed hearing it on bag pipes.  

Nothing else, though....

Earlier this month, after waking up my household yet again, I finally decided that I would get myself a bass, give it my friend's name, and claim I was dreaming of the guitar or a cool new riff should I scream that name out in my sleep. 

Now, I'm thinking I may just want a real guitar- 

hence my procrastination.  

My plan was to go to Bailey today to look at leaves.  

I may just go guitar shopping. 
*****

Here's the lesson. 

Tell the truth.  Be honest with yourself and others about your thoughts and feelings. 

You're not doing anyone any favors putting yourself last.  

Even if you lie to the world  about your feelings, or attempt to stuff 'em down and hide them thinking you're doing the right thing by people you care about,  

your subconscious mind will remind you of them when you're trying to sleep. 

The subconscious mind never lies.  

It just records e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g you feel, think, say and do.  When you're off-guard or trying to sleep, it will remind you of all those painful things you forgot to remember.

Ugh.... 

I can't date until the dreams stop.  None of my suitors share this guy's name.  I have a suitor named Chris and another named Roger. 

I pray they find nice Christian wives. 

Love ya, 

S.  

* My old friend and I had a deal back in the day.  We were never going to be 'in-love' because 'people in love can fall out of love.'  We were just going to love each other unconditionally as best friends.  

It would seem I unwittingly made a vow.  It seems unbreakable. 

My Native American step-father once told me that breaking twigs would break connections to people.  

One August afternoon, after over a decade of driving to my hometown to break twigs and use them as a type of mulch against the public trees,  

this man visited with me in the area and asked how to forget each other.  

He had said that his memories of me seemed "like yesterday" but the memories of other relationships seem like different lifetimes. 

Then he told me that smelly, California public transit busses evoke memories of me (um...not exactly something a woman wants to hear -but- he was sincere.)

So, I told him about the twigs. 

"Does it work?"  I remember him asking as we were walking down one of the streets in the downtown area of the small town in which we grew up.  

I never gave him a verbal answer. 

As we walked, I began to point out the piles of broken twigs that I placed around the trees (some fresh, some decayed with time).  

The trees are buried deep in the ground.  There are grates over the holes where the trees are planted.  They were planted about ten feet apart.  If you looked in the grates at the time, you would see the piles of twigs. 

He looked a little shocked. 

Then he looked heartbroken. 

Maybe I did the wrong thing? 

Now, I just avoid the area out of hopes it'll help.  

I'm not sure what I'd do if I can into him.  

In the dreams, I run away.  

I'd probably run away unless he were being eaten by wolves or bleeding to death (cuz I am CPR certified and could hang out until EMS arrives). 

The last time we met, I was having dreams that he broke his leg. 

Wanna take a guess as to what happened?

Yep - 

I didn't even get to sign his cast. 

I'm his bad luck charm.  

I'd probably run off thinking I'm taking the bad juju with me. 

That IS an act of love.  

The sad truth is, I hurt him when I told him I was thinking of taking a music scholarship at a College near the four corners area back in April of 1987. 

I never want to hurt him again. 

Hurting him is possibly my greatest fear.  I have so many faults, hurting him is inevitable.  

It's best to stay away. 

Interesting Covid Website

 I'm thankful people are waking up to the political Covid19 agenda. 

Check this out: 

https://www.stopworldcontrol.com/fraud/

Twisted Libertarian Ideas Inspired by Dumb Politicians

Today I am thankful that I'm a Libertarian asshole who plays a heck of a lot of musical instruments. 

Apparently, the cops in Idaho have arrested three people for SINGING WITHOUT A MASK! 

https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/idaho/articles/2020-09-24/3-arrested-at-idaho-church-singing-event-to-flout-mask-order

I'm not joking. 

You know what that makes me want to do? 

I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.  

It's a shame that I irritated my singing teacher.  She used to comment that I had a heck of a range but I was far too comfortable in the lower ranges due to all that bass playing. 

She was a famous Christian singer.   

There is no way I could sing like her. 

I've been practicing. 

I still suck. 

****

I've toyed with the idea of starting a cover band. 

My thought is that I would call it "Liberty" 

I know a heck of a lot of bass players.  All the drummers and guitarists I know play with other bands. 

I don't know anyone who likes to sing that isn't successful in their own band. 

I could play the brass instruments, bass, recording and mastering.  I'm better with lyrics than composition but, it's a cover band.  I just need to get permissions. 

My first choice of songs would be the song posted above. 

Then, a little something from the Beastie Boys. 

Maybe some Michael J. 

Muse 



(parts of this one sound like the intro to the old Dr. Who - lol) 

Some classics: 

Personally, I like to try to sing Jazz and R&B. 

(Yes, I know Springsteen wrote ' Born in the USA' but I'm partial to this version.) 

Police and Thieves by Junior Murvin 

(Big Brother by Stevie Wonder) 

(Act of God by Prince) 

Should through some good ol' boy music in there, too. 

Truth be told, I probably couldn't pull this together. 

If they start arresting peeps for singing without masks in Colorado, you'll probably see a 5' 5" redheaded lady with green eyes and a smirk wrinkle wearing a black druid cloak in high heel thigh high boots singing Latin curses on the south-east corner of Lincoln and Colfax. 

It'll be my worship.    

I'm sure Denver would sell me a performance permit - lol! 

If the Denver Cops arrest me, I'll have a field day.  

I could possibly sue to religious discrimination in addition to having my Constitutional Rights violated.

They can't legally enforce a decree of our governor.  If they try, I'll get a settlement for the homeless they chased away from the park across the street. 

I know more lawyers than musicians. 

Sadly, unless I get more practice, my singing ought to be a crime - lol! 

I'm warning ya, I'll do it! 

Do the punks in office feel lucky? 

(Yes, I've taken to calling many of the Democrats punks because that's what they've become this year...uneducated punks selling fear to try to thwart an election.  I say that even though I really don't like Republicans either.) 

Love ya lots, 

Bitchy S.  

Fa - la-la-la-la-la (screech) la-la-la (oooh, where did that sound come from?  My poor neighbors - lol.) 

I didn't know I could do two-part harmony at the same time!!

Wow, we learn something about ourselves every day. 

((( hugs ))) 

Quick Post - The benefits of Prayer

 

(**This song has a line about counting the days since the end of a relationship.  How many days have passed since May 1, 1987?  That's a scary thought, isn't it?  I'm a therapist because I can't math...sorry....)

Today I am thankful for prayer. 

I have slept about eight hours a night for a week now. 

There have been no freaky dreams; no deaths, no limbs lost, no nasty shit in public, no causing people to cheat on their wives, 

it's been nice. 

My wrinkles are softening again. 

I'm trying to be nicer. 

I finally realize it's September.  For some damn reason, I think it's July. 

This is really working. 

I think it's the prayer. 

It could partially be the ritual, too.  

I still come home and light a ten hour candle asking for an unspecified miracle for the person I used to have nightmares about.  

Then I go upstairs and light another candle asking that I find whatever The Creator wants me to find. 

There have been no nightmares. 

Last night I dreamt of growing tomatoes for my clients at the residential facility (possibly because the crop they grew died). 

I also dreamt I was visiting with my neighbor who lost a son to a school shooting almost two years ago.  A kid followed the boy home from school and shot him. 

My daughter and I were four blocks away.  We heard the gunshots but didn't find the victim before EMS. 

He was less than fourteen years old. 

This school district does not take bullying seriously. 

What the heck is it with educated morons who blame the victim? 

I also work in a workplace that allowed it to go on with the patients.  I called it out and, thus, made myself the target. 

The dear patients can try to bully me all they want.  They can try to get me in trouble or fired.  I don't care.  If my workplace learns to communicate, all their efforts at manipulation will be for nothing.  

The patients are learning how to cope with being sober. It's okay.  Learning social skills is part of it. 

The trick to getting through it is communication.  

I'm going to seek supervision on that one.  I don't think that licensed therapists should allow people to project their internal vomit on to other patients for days on end to the point of causing suicidal ideations in their target without addressing it. 

They decided to cancel our daily check-ins so the different shifts can communicate with each other due to the cost of staffing.  This is just going to increase the manipulation because staff doesn't know what is going on. 

Yes, I'm looking for a new gig. 

When I confronted a higher up, I was told that non-profits don't get enough funding to communicate effectively.  I was also informed that bullying can be a treatment tool (sure, it could be if it's addressed IMMEDIATELY rather than ignored - Grrrr).    

As a political activist who knows that politicians just passed a $4.8 million dollar funding scheme for these types of treatment centers, I AM IRRITAED!  These people pay me $15 an hour (90% less than what I charge and they claim to have no money to communicate with me). 

I'm not supposed to, but I often work off the clock - through lunches and after hours.  I'm sure they can carve out 15 minutes to tell me what is going on.  

What really irritated me was when I asked the protocols to help acutely suicidal patients, I was told that there was nothing we could do. 

When I found myself launching into a 'duty of care' speech, I just realized that they needed to get their two week notice. 

If this is what passes for addiction treatment, the system is broken.  I may need to pursue a seat on the board. 

Someone offered to sponsor me for a seat in 2011 but I had to stop the local PD from arresting and prosecuting women raped in their care at a local detox center for using the word 'cunt.'  Verbal assault on an officer, my foot.  They just wanted to keep her from suing the city. 

That's another 'duty of care' speech.  

It took several speeches but the bogus charges were finally dropped.  

*****

I left private practice because my ex-husband's family likes to harass me in my offices.  Every time I advertise, one of them shows up.  It's annoying.  

It may just be time for me to change my last name, the name of my business and go back into private practice any way.  Working at a non-profit could destroy my ability to practice due to their negligence. 

What name should I choose?  

My birth name literally means - Musical Saint.  

Apparently, my parents didn't know I would never learn to sing (lol).  My singing can easily be described as tone-deaf, flat and slightly demonic.  

I've pissed off almost everyone who shares my birth surname.  I really don't want to have the same name as a bunch of racist crackers.  

Last night, I had a dream my last name was Vicory.  That's the name of the people who raised me. 

I don't think so. I can hear it in my head now - "Vicory, Hickory Dock....the mouse ran up the clock." 

Of course, Grant is the other family moniker.  

Those names are not....me.  

I'll probably go back to Smith (was my name for three months back in the late eighties) or maybe something incredibly common (https://retro1025.com/check-to-see-if-you-have-one-of-the-most-common-last-names-in-colorado/).  

There was another common name I took before the internet when I originally tried to hide from the stalker (not knowing he was the guy I was engaged to and eventually married).  He'd look for that one. 

I guess I could always change how I spell my first name. 

It's time to go back into prayer mode. 

I don't think I'm going to be out of the woods with my ex until I forgive him of the  $50,000 he owes me. 

Even then, I'm not sure he'd stop being a threatening jerk.  Every once in a while, he'll make insane demands on my time and energy.  When I ask him to follow the court orders, he's send a few more threatening emails and go dark. 

He's still angry with me for kicking him out of my house three years, two months and four days after he was originally court ordered to leave.  I let him ignore the eviction notices for three flippin' years while I saved up for a lawyer. 

Besides he ruined my house to the tune of $57, 836. 

He's lucky I didn't sue him.  He's incredibly lucky that I ignored the judges ruling to pursue alimony (never collected it because it would just keep me tied to him). 

That boy ought to leave me alone.  It'll take me a while to pay off the repairs to the basement he squatted in. 

P.S.  If he's stalking me, he might want to get tested for lung cancer due to something found in the basement.  

*****

Whoever you are, 

wishing you a miracle of your own (says the woman told she has 465 or so Djinn - well, scratch that - djinn twist wishes ). 

How about this - 

May your biggest miracle quickly become reality. 

Love ya, 

S. 

EDIT:  Apparently giving my two weeks notice caused them to change their policy.  I'll give them another shot.  Seriously, where are they going to find another master's level addiction counseling candidate willing to work for $15 an hour.  Now, it's $15.50.  They said they'd give me tiny raise soon. 

Sigh....

The salary won't cover the malpractice premiums or my educational expenses.  I'm only there because I want to learn more about the population.  I have more than enough hours to get my license but I feel I still have a lot to learn.  

There's a push for an addiction center where I live. I'll always have a shot at helping people for very little money.  With the politicians ruining the economy and forcing people to isolate, the need is very high. 

((( hugs ))) 

** Attempts at math: 

We have been broken up for 12,203 days.

2,000 days and counting - Wednesday, October 21st, 1992 - (5 and a half years after d-day)
5,000 days and counting - Sunday, January 7th, 2001 - (almost 14 years)
10,000 days and counting - Tuesday, September 16th, 2014 - (27 years)
19,000 days and counting - Sunday, May 8th, 2039 - (52 years)
20,000 days and counting - Saturday, February 1st, 2042 - (almost 55 years)
30,000 days and counting - Wednesday, June 19th, 2069 - (82 years - hopefully I'll be in Hades)

If it is so wonderful being apart, why do I still worry about him? 

I just need to keep praying.  Somehow, I get the sense he's always needed it.  

I remember celebrating at the seven year mark because i had this belief that all of my cells

had regenerated and nothing was alive that existed during the relationship. 

It still didn't stop the dreams. 

I don't know. 

Life is weird. 

Maybe this is supposed to be the real lesson of this lifetime.  

If I figure out the lesson - I'll share it. 

Stuck Asses

Today I am wishing for freedom. 

I'm thankful for internal fire.  

Checking in....

Still pissed off....

I'm told there is a legal solution in the works regarding my previous post. 

I'm still burning candles - haven't called on the internal demons yet.  

My shadow-Siegfred isn't very nice.  

If she shows up, it'll be interesting. 

She likes to humiliate jack-ass politicians. 

I haven't thought of anything interesting to pull yet. 

Give it time. 

Denver has pushed so many homeless into Aurora. 

I literally saw a tent in the middle of a highway at 1:00 this morning. 

Scary stuff. 

I'd take a photo but I don't want to cause a crash.  

*****

It's fall in Colorado - 

the noteworthy thing is our state has the word color in the name. 

I decided to collect leaves for the scrapbooks of my tiniest patients (the children of addicts). 

I think my car may make it to Bailey in a couple of weeks.   The only thing they have in Bailey is a hot dog stand with disgusting hot dogs.  

I think I left my soul in the beautiful river.  I dream of it sometimes. 

Hopefully, I'll get some good shots of the changing trees and collect some leaves.  

Maybe I'll post some photos. 

I need to meditate to the Creator's art in order to scheme up a plan.  

If you want a list of hikes in Colorado: 

https://theknow.denverpost.com/2017/09/15/best-fall-color-hikes-colorado/157976/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=fb-denverpost&utm_campaign=socialflow&utm_medium=social&fbclid=IwAR1U2G7VN1apUrKng2s6ZRvAi84LSjZr3-LeSN5CXuEbt2Tm2XXM3JGI71w

****

I still haven't carved out time to go bass guitar shopping.  

There's a problem. 

I haven't decided if I want a 6-string bass or an electric guitar. 

I don't play guitar. 

Years ago, when someone overheard me practicing, he thought I'd be a good lead guitarist. 

The problem, though, is I hate plectrums. 

I couldn't hold a pick to save my life. 

We'll see.  I'll let you guys know what I wind up with. 

I like harmony.  I like to bounce.  

Guitar?  That's not a bouncy instrument. 

Maybe I should free my mind.....

I'm tired of asking politicians to free theirs - 

but maybe they lack enough brain cells to let some go. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Damn - may have to start a PAC sooner than later.  Apparently, Aurora's idiot mayor said he'd put together a special commission to look into the shooting deaths of black people.  Then he told this special commission what to say in favor of the police department.  

He's a RINO.  His actions are code for

 "let's see if we can wake up sleeping activists who like to gut our tax increases." 

Deep down inside, that's truly what Mike Coffman wants. 

 It has to be. 

It's better to have the power of persuasion (illusion of control over the situation) than try to bully people into compliance with your viewpoint. 

If he were nicer, I'd teach him covert hypnosis.  

I nearly did that for a couple of Republicans I know.  I even wrote a curriculum. 

Then the government pissed me off.  

I may market it in private groups.   

If the government doesn't want the illusion of taking care of the problem, it becomes an invitation for the rest of us to do something.  

Making people famous is my thing.  

I've been working on painting asshole cops as part of my Constitutional Violation collection.  Luckily, the local police department posed for pictures. 

https://denver.cbslocal.com/2020/06/29/photos-aurora-police-elijah-mcclain/

Half of my work is done!  

I have a personal quandary, though......

If I start another PAC, should I get cosmetic surgery given the propensity for Aurora cops to break into my home when I'm in the shower? 

Or would be funnier to scare the hell out of them? 

I'm a redhead with transparent white skin.  To tell the truth, I look like Pennywise with a zillion stretch-marks.  

Scary stuff.....(( Oooh....I think I found my easy Halloween costume this year!!  Woo hoo!! )) 

Hope the city has good vision insurance.  

Hugs, 

S.  

Hate Voodoo (with new update)

 Today I am thankful for magick. 

Magick must always be the tool of LAST resort - but when the politicians are ignoring their constituents and putting them in danger (with lockdowns and Constitutional violations and no way to talk sense into them), it sadly becomes an option. 

Some of us pray differently than others but we still haver fervent faith in our religion.  

I was trying to use white magick to help solve the homeless problem in Denver 

-but- 

white magick takes time. 

The solutions last longer than black magick. 

Black magick works faster but the results are short lived. 

Mayor Hancock has forced my hand.  

Watch these - these videos are from DenverHomelessOutLoud.  

The City and County of Denver is in violation of at least one settlement agreement with homeless activists.  They may even be in violation of State Law. 

Worse, they're going to turn Colorado RED.  What a dumb thing to do so close to an election. 

People believe Democrats help the poor.  Mayor Hancock proved the lie - Democrats, like him, target the poor. 

I'll call my Federal level activist contacts in the morning. 

Hancock has ordered the Denver police to install fences around the homeless sweeps.  They've gathered the possessions of the homeless in garbage trucks only to be destroyed within moments. 

He's locked my activist friends out of the area so they cannot intervene.  

This asshole thinks he's going to get a .25% tax hike to help the homeless.  If this is the extent of his so-called help, Denver doesn't deserve any more money. 

Where in the world is the Colorado Coalition of the Homeless? 

Where is all that Cares Act money going?  

I'm off to break out my black candles with the dog collars. I bought one just for Hancock when he vetoed the Denver law forbidding the murder of pit bulls based solely upon breed.  

I've never brought myself to burning it.  

****
For me, this is a disturbing trend against my religion. 

My Gods, Zeus and Mercury, are said to disguise themselves as homeless people to see who deserves  their gifts. 

It would seem to me that Hancock and his cronies aren't deserving. 

Mercury (aka Hermes) is the God of Politics.  It's not a good idea to irritate him.  His actions are swift. 

Oooh - in a few hours it will be Wednesday - it's the perfect day to pray to him.  

I guess it's also time to call upon Hecate and Nemesis to act for karma. 

May Michael Hancock get the reward he truly deserves and that all he gives comes back ten fold (that, my friends, is my favorite curse).  .  

****

The slower curses are more painful.  I'm debating - what will it be?

Maybe both (cast three times) . 

The last time I cursed an abusive government asshat, she had a stroke and wrecked her Jeep. She's a prick and probably got so pissed off that she was speeding.  

Still no one deserves to get so injured she couldn't walk for several months. 

You know, it may be worthwhile if I did this and Denver got a new mayor who can think.  

Something has to happen.....quickly. 

Never push a witch to cast a spell in a hurry and in the heat of anger. 

People are dying.  Taxpayers are funding it. 

There is no time like the present to stop abusers.  

Besides, it's still technically Tuesday during a holy time of the year.  The odds of success are high.  

Don't wait up. 

By the power of three times three - So Mote It Be, 

Bad Bitch Witch 

P.S. 2:33 pm - I burned through three candles.  Luckily, I've got more.  I cursed whoever gave the order.  I also cursed his supporters. 

I'm pretty sure Michael Hancock will be swept up in this.   

Of course, there's a certain judge who has absolutely got to go.  It's a shame that the only decent organization that fights activist judges like J. Eric Elliff is pro-stealing stuff from the homeless. 

https://www.westword.com/news/denver-camping-ban-constitutional-judge-rules-overturning-decision-11792815?utm_source=Newsletters&utm_medium=email

Hancock may appreciate this - back in the days when my Great-great uncle was a union soldier (before he became president) - people of color used to use Voodoo to keep their masters in line.  It was more of a threat.  They'd leave evidence on the porches of the homes to scare the livin' shit out of their abusers.

Assholes typically fuck themselves up just by virtue of being assholes.  Voodoo possibly has nothing to do with it.  . 

It would be nice to stop the entire 'close the city down' over a 'virus' with a '.oo4% deathrate' so one could fight things head on. 

If Black Lives truly mattered to Denver, they'd understand that numerous people of color (including children) are living on the streets of Denver.  I meet them daily. 

Oh well, they don't care. The Democrats made their bed.  It's time they lay down and take a siesta. 

((( hugs ))) 

Edit: 5 days later and I'm still burning candles.  Luckily, I have a six month supply.  Priorities, right? 

Edit: October 5, 2020:  Mayor Hancock and the army of soulless LEOs are getting sued.  A lawyer is helping the homeless pro bono. Colorado has a new law with qualified immunity for law enforcement. It'll be interesting to see if these so-called public servants lose anything personally. 

They can't get away with everything now.  

I'll keep lighting candles. 

I think I have some galangal root somewhere, too. 

So a Weird Video Popped Up on My Phone Today

Today I am thankful for a lesson. 

My life is almost perfectly synchronistic right now. 

Impossible things are happening.  I call this the Bohemian Me. 

If my residential patients need, say, a video game system to do fitness in their spare time - 

someone will give me a Wii Fit. 

(I need one more, though). 

If they want a spa day, I'll go to target and find a pack of 10 nail polishes for a buck. 

Even the state has changed impossible rules to allow me to get back where I was nine years ago when I ran for office. 

Last month, I was looking at having to complete a Ph.D. to get back to that point in my career.  Now, I just have to volunteer for 600 hours (like I don't do that now) and take a test. 

In this moment, I'm looking for a decent laptop I can take to my studio.  I also have a list of stuff for the rehab center. 

I'll have them within a day or so. 

I don't even know how much to go into all of the wonderful things in my life since the stalking stopped. When the fear went away, everything came back to me. 

Right now, despite COVID, things seem magickal. 

I even learned a friend of mine is closely related to a man murdered by the local police department.  It never even dawned on me that it looks like I'm fighting for her family.  I didn't realize they had the same last name.  I knew it but I never tied the two folks together. 

There is so much synchronicity, it is truly mind blowing. 

I love being Ms. Bohemian. 

Life is so easy. 

The dreams typically begin when I'm living like this. 

*****
This video made me stop and think. 

After this video popped up on my phone, I realized I need to stop avoiding my life.  I need to stop rejecting the gifts sent to me.  I need to stop hiding behind my busy-ness and fear of reliving the horrific bullshit of my past. 

*****

I have a little game I play with car radio. 

I'll click through the stations while asking myself "What should I do now?"  It's always five clicks, one click per syllable. 

For the past week, I'll get a certain Rush song, or a certain Bon Jovi song, or even a certain song about a guy in space....

What I want is a song telling me step by step how to be a millionaire so I can save as many homeless as I can.. 

When I ask what to do, the last thing I want is a song with someone's name in it. 

So, I decided to start listening to whatever CD I can find the cheapest during my thrift store runs trying to find stuff for the homeless (so long as it isn't Rush, Bon Jovi, The Who or Peter Schilling). 

Sometimes those songs trigger worse nostalgia. 

*I wonder if songs with my name bother him, too.  

There is one that seems to still get a lot of air play. 

The Bon Jovi song actually inspired the prayers.  I always thought the protagonist was Johnny (boy, am I glad I never sang that one during Karaoke night). 

*It's a shame I don't have a hot ski-buddy single friend named Gina. 

*****

Maybe I'm going about this wrong.  I guess, maybe, I need to pray the exact same prayer for each of us (without names because that'll ruin the surprise). 

I've been praying for him to find his true love if he hasn't already.  

Maybe I need to do the same for me? 

Who knows?  One of us may end up with a hot blonde. 

I may end up with another cat.  

A decade ago, I gave a guy in my dreams a purple amethyst because it is said that when a man carried a purple amethyst with him, he'll attract a blonde love interest.  

Years later, I found that he threw it in the car I was driving the day I gave it to him.  The car belonged to my ex husband.  I traded vehicles with the ex because he had the kids and his seats were broken.  He placed large bricks under the seats to hold them up. I war terrified the kids would get hurt if he slammed on the brakes. 

Want to know a funny thing?  My ex told me a woman hit on him, too!  

I didn't ask if she was blonde.

*****

It's time for me to get over my constant criticisms of my imperfections.  I need to stop feeling guilty for caring deeply about people. 

My former in-laws would criticize me for loving people too much. 

I didn't think that was possible. 

****
This line of thought comes from a client. 

I'm always asking them to name an asset, or a gratitude, or something beautiful about their lives. 

One individual has decided to turn it back on me.  She always does this when the waiting room has other people in it.   

It literally took a few minutes for me to answer "what is a good thing about you?" 

The answer: my smile.  

I smile when I'm going to work to see them.  I smile when I'm surrounded by these amazing human beings who teach me so much about the strength of the human spirit.  I smile when I drive home and rock out the CDs I find on the dollar rack.

This week it is Colbie Caillat. 

I smile when I pray for them (which I'm told is unhealthy but I'm living the Twelve Steps and giving it up to my higher power). 

I'm starting to wrinkle due to the smiling so I need to manifest some glycolic acid and a laser. 

Physician, heal thyself.

If that doesn't work, I'll get a lobotomy.

Just teasing.

May all your dreams come true effortlessly 

Please forgive the typos.  I'm always in a damn hurry.  

Love, 

S. 

P.S.  I'm still eying that purple Ibanez SR506.  It's nice but it's not something I can see myself bouncing around with. 

I've decided not to buy a used bass online.  There are just too many fakes.  Some of the pictures don't align with what the instrument should look like. 

When I get a day off and am not in severe pain, I'll visit the music shops I know and love. 

Maybe I'll drive to Pueblo or New Mexico.  I'd bet I'd find some interesting guitars there.  

*********

NEXT DAY EDIT:  So....maybe....all I needed to do was open myself up to the possibility of love with anyone. 

I actually slept eight hours without any dreams of a specific guy.  There was one dream where I'm polishing my car and I marvel that he's not within sight. 

Not too shabby....

The dreams cause me to feel unhealthily obsessed.  It would be nice to turn that obsession feeling around to something useful. 

My first love has always been music.  If only I could get obsessed with learning new instruments and songwriting again.  

I'll be finished with my post-graduate program soon.  Maybe then there will be time to crank up the amps.

Love ya! 

Djinn Dreams

 

Today I am thankful for my subconscious mind. 

Apparently, it thinks itself to be a Djinn. 

A couple of days ago, I had a dream of a Djinni.  Djinn are said to be the fallen angels of Islam. 

There are five or so classifications of Djinn. 

One was said to be created at the time of the Archangels. 

Another was the family of Djinn who rebelled against God - they're the Shaitan.  As a child, I was taught that every human being was assigned a Shaitan at birth to temp them into hell. 

There are believer Djinn - The Marid, I think. 

There are other classifications, Ifrit, Jann - the list goes on and on.  

I've heard conjurers talk about Egyptian djinn but I know very little about their mythology. 

*****
I do not own a lamp. 

Many years ago, I was sent an iron necklace from a soldier in the Middle East.  He said a native ran up to him with a necklace asking him to take it because it was evil.  (That cracks me up - the best way to get rid of an occupying force is to give them an evil object that will grant twisted wishes). 

The old man who gave him the necklace said he found it in the sand while looking for his lost granddaughter.  He prayed to find her and followed a vaporous being until he found his granddaughter. 

That is when he discovered the necklace. He held on to it until he could be rid of it. 

It wound up with me. 

It is beautiful.  It contains a huge, polished Lapis Lazuli that glows in the middle of the night as the moon hits it. 

I love it. 

I've worn it just a handful of times.  One day, while in a post-graduate class, a woman felt compelled to touch it.  It SHOCKED her! 

Another time, I wore it, Michael was in my mini-van.  I was in the passenger seat just listening to a bunch of lies.  As he was lying to me and I simply said something like " I wish you'd learn that lying makes things worse and hurts people." 

Within moments, he was pulled over by a police officer saying that he ran a red light in a parking lot! 

That made me laugh. 

Then she said my tail light was out. 

It wasn't.  

So, he fought it. In court, she made other crap about him not using a turn signal and what not. 

It basically turned out to be a lesson in why lying hurts people. It didn't stop him from continuing to lie though. 

I learned that the Arapahoe County Sheriff's department had ticket quotas of four tickets per hour.  That information helped me fight a tax hike later on. 

I realized that guys who act like pricks to women get hurt when I wear that necklace.  It could be in my head -but- I just don't wear it any more as to not take any chances. 

This is where the gossip about me being a djinn conjurer or satanic practitioner comes from. 

Of course, my in-laws are superstitious so I let people send me all sorts of strange jewelry (many with alleged djinn on them).  I have hundreds of pieces - so that is where the joke comes from. 

It did little to scare my in-laws away.  

*****

In January, I was sent in for an MRI of my liver. 

I was told that I had a tumor but they didn't know much more about it.  I was told to come back in six months for another MRI. 

Then COVID hit. 

I've never been back for the second MRI.  Another doctor looked at the film or whatever MRIs produce, and declared it to be benign but told me I needed to get an ultrasound to make sure it hadn't grown. 

The pain has been intense both in my abdomen and back.  It's been horrible.  I vomit too much.  I faint too much.  It's bad. 

Luckily, I can pretty much control my pain with hypnosis so I can work.  The pain typically hits me in my sleep.  I average about four to five hours of sleep a night because I wake up crying. 

*****

Yeah, I still dream of people that I shouldn't.  I'd rather be in pain then have dream of other people hurting. 

I do have other dreams. 

Yesterday, I had a dream of a blue djinn telling me that I didn't have a liver tumor.  It said I had a gallstone that migrated to my liver.  I was told to buy 'Jin Qian Cao' and drink it for a week. 

So - 

One of my sisters is a doctor of Chinese Medicine.  She hooked me up. 

Jin Qian Cao tastes like dirt.  

I'm actually feeling a little bit better.  I slept six hours and sixteen minutes last night. 

I'll keep it up and report back.  It could help someone else. 

Louise Hay wrote that liver problems were caused by anger and fear.  Boy, have I been angry in the past decade due to the stalking and crap. 

Things have changed.  I gave up my therapy practice in 2011 because the State of Colorado forced therapists to list our personal information online.  I didn't want to give Mike's family ammo.  I basically closed up shop and got a very cheap office that I rarely visit because I was found and harassed there (I learned later that they had the password to my Google Calendar account - I don't use online scheduling tools anymore). 

Upon applying for a new counseling license, I learned that they finally have an exemption for therapists who are stalked. 

It's too late for me. This will help countless other people.  

I'm glad someone finally changed that. Maybe all that whining to politicians about wanting to keep my guns paid off.  They gave us something else that will help many more people.  

There is no problem with anger or fear; fear keeps us safe and anger changes things. 

Now is the time to reap the benefits of all those things I worked for years ago. 

Love ya, 

S. 

P.S. My hard drive is dying - so I may not be back for a long time because I have little time to shop.  It's crying and whining kinda like it's owner. 

I'm backing everything up.  The computer is three years old.  They don't make 'em like they used to.  When I can get out to buy a new one, I will.  This one had candle wax spilled on it two years ago so I'm not going to try to save it. 

I have an old vintage 90's era Dell Laptop that still runs, even with Windows10.  They keyboard is pretty bad but it still works.  Thankfully, I can still answer emails. 

If I don't come back for awhile - I'll leave some advice for you.

Listen to your gut - our instincts are rarely wrong. 

Fight the good fight - you can't go wrong if you fight for the right reasons. 

You are lovable just as you are no matter who you are. Perfection is overrated. Our imperfections make us unique and are often endearing to others. 

If you doubt your worthiness, just remember - even assholes in prison get love letters.  We know, you're nothing like most people in that situation. 

Hugs and Well Wishes, 

Siegfred 




  

Edit: The Law of Reversed Effect (with recipe for hair serum - weird, eh?)

 

Found this CD today at a Thrift Shop looking for newish shoes for a homeless person.  When I hear it, I think of hanging out with a childhood friend with blue eyes.  It's weird, the older I get, the more I miss people who have the same values and grew up in the same place.  It's strange what we learn to value, isn't it? 

Today I am thankful that I remembered the law of reversed effect. 

So...

I've been having nightmares about a man from my past. 

It's so bad, that I wake up the entire house screaming his name. 

The other day, I resolved to buy a new bass guitar so I could pretend to be Getty Lee should I get caught doing that again. 

I'll just say, "I'm practicing." 

*****

The nightmares went away for two days after he told me he was alive. 

Well, the first night, I didn't really sleep. 

The second night was awesome. 

The third night.....not so much. 

In the dreams, he's intoxicated, lonely, and/or suicidal.  Sometimes he's breaking limbs. Once in a while, he's dying. It's horrible. 

Last night, in a bid to get a good night's sleep, I took two Benadryl. 

Well - that was a disaster. 

*****

I dreamt of him.  He didn't die.  He didn't get hurt.  It wasn't so bad. 

I would think he would consider it a dream hell - the man worked with me.

He taught the children of my patients how to play video games in the residential facility. 

Not so bad.  

I can cope with that. 

No one died. 

No limbs were broken. 

No one threatened to kill himself. 

There were no tears. 

Outside of it being creepy to dream of your ex, it's not so bad. 

But - 

After that dream, I awoke, with my abdomen on fire on the right side.  It radiated into my back. 

I ran to the bathroom and basically couldn't hold anything down - 

no water, 

no pain pills, 

nothing... 

My mouth was blue. 

My face was yellow. 

I had to go to an urgent care (right next to the guitar shop, no less) to get patched up and told that there is evidence that Benadryl can harm a person's liver.   

I have to go in for an ultrasound of my liver.  Darn it! 

I'm not taking that stuff again! 

*****
On the drive home, I thought about what I did for clients with this very problem. 

I've done self-hypnosis for the issue thousands of times.  It helps for a bit, then someone will bring him up or I'll see him and all my work is undone. 

It hit me - the reason that the dreams are so bad is that I'm trying so hard to avoid them. 

If I weren't trying to avoid them, they probably wouldn't happen. 

The law of reversed effect states that the harder we try for an outcome, the less likely we are to see it. 

It's a lot like reverse psychology. 

So, let's try this.....

Bring it on, subconscious mind.  

What's the worst that can happen? 

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit two days later- I realized that the dreams are of someone getting injured, dying, and then working in hell. 

If I were my therapist, I'd be wealthy.  

There is some underlying pathology there -or- I just need a new job.  

Seriously though, I had the thought that I'm possibly having these dreams because I just started putting coffee-infused oil in my hair.  I typically don't drink coffee, but the smell reminds me of this man because we drank so much coffee back in the day that I'm sure it stunted my growth. 

Yeah, we were a couple of 16-year-old rebels - coffee was a no, no. I was Mormon, drinking coffee was as bad as it gets.  

Man, I was lucky.  Even our rebellions were on the cute side.  I could have dated someone else and wound up addicted to cocaine.....

Coffee isn't so bad. 

Don't laugh....coffee infused oil has caused my hair to grow 4" in a month.  I only started drinking it recently again because I was told it was better than diet soda.  

Maybe it's the smell of coffee? 

Let's see what happens when I stop going to sleep reeking of cheap gas station joe. 

EDIT ONE WEEK LATER:  I haven't had a dream of this person in a week.  I think it was the coffee thing. I need to find a new recipe for hair serum. 

I make my own cosmetics.  I'll share the recipe.  

It's simple. 

You need: 

a crockpot 

a mason jar 

1/2 cup of your favorite ground coffee (no instant coffee) 

bottle of sweet almond oil (or grapeseed oil in a pinch). 

Instructions:  Put 1/2 cup of the coffee grounds in the jar (you can add powdered vanilla - as in scraped up vanilla bean, or a little bit of cinnamon powder- cinnamon brings out the red - or powdered allspice - once had a man follow me around at a store saying I smelled like Christmas - lol) 

Fill the jar up with one of the above oils. Stir well, put the lid on the jar rightly.  Set the jar in the crockpot.  Fill the crockpot with water and let it simmer on low for 24-48 hours. 

Strain (use coffee filters) and viola, you have hair growth, anti-frizz serum.  Rub it on your scalp and it will aid growth.  I put it on the ends to eliminate the frizz. 

If you're too lazy for that, just buy it.  I'm looking for a new recipe.  

Try it on a day you don't have to be anywhere.  I have dry, curly hair so it sucks it all up and no one can tell I put it in my hair.  I'm not sure about people with other hair types. 

Hope this helps someone....somewhere. 

Love ya, 

S.  

Edit: July 14, 2021 

Well...it turns out that the dreams appeared to be premonitions. 

Either that, 

or my mentioning them caused people to act them out. 

I worked with two men at the residential facility in my dream. 

Both of these men were nurses. 

They were about a decade older than the star of my nightmares and me. 

They both died in the manner I dreamt of my old friend dying.  They died around the place that I dreamt my old friend had perished. 

It's like my subconscious mind feels it's okay to dream of an ex-dying rather than two co-workers.  To be quite blunt; it's not cool to dwell on any one dying - ex or not! 

My conscious mind says I'm a sicko. 

For a long time, I dreamed of a burned body up in the mountains. 

The star of my nightmares lives up there. 

On November 19, 2020, authorities determined that my colleague Rich was found burned to death in a car up in the mountains.  It took them three weeks to identify them.  He just stopped showing up to work around November 4th.  Everyone knew something was wrong. 

In June of this year, another colleague's body was found up in the mountains on a hiking trail. I never asked for the cause of death as I don't want to destroy my memory of him.  

So - 

I'm not sure what to make of it. 

When I had these dreams I set to praying about the star of the nightmares. 

Going forward, I'll just say a global prayer for every single person I know. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Happiest of Birthdays

Today I am thankful that everyone forgot my birthday! 

I mean e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. 

except Facebook (Facebook never forgets)! 

The kids at work have the wrong day (funny, eh?) 

Of course, my family forgot. 

It's all good. 

Uh, Oh.... a couple of texts just came in.

I guess someone remembered.  

The bee swatter guy I'm worried about reached out on two social networks to wish me a happy birthday. 

I'll reach out to him but only because I'm worried. I hope he's okay.  

***

The beauty of people forgetting is that I get to stay young a little bit longer. 

Maybe not celebrating 

is the reason people think I'm in my thirties? 

Perhaps....

*****************************
I'm not sure if I want to go out and shop for bass guitars because it is also Labor Day and I don't want to make people work. 

To be honest, I'm getting a crush on that Araya ESP.  So far, the videos where people review it, it sounds nice.

What is the difference between the $400 version and the $5,000 version?  

I need to do some research before I bring one home. 

I'm still partial to Steinbergers and probably shouldn't clutter my home with something I won't like. 

The biggest regret was getting rid of my Koa wood 5-string Peavey.  If I find another in good shape, I'm grabbing it. 

Never had an Ibanez before - but this one could be the winner. I say that because another friend asked me to hang on to his guitars and amps while he tried to reconcile with his wife.  I don't want to play any of them like I play or else I'd break the strings. 

Maybe the bass I name Tom needs to be a six string. 

I really like this one: 

 


If it sounds good, I'm buying it for my birthday. 

Oh....wow....they used to make a fretless version.  I wonder if I can find it used? 

Always wanted a fretless bass. 

Maybe I should wait? 

I want to get a manicure but if I find a bass, I'll just cut all my fingernails anyway. 

For me, this is the hardest part about being female. 

Do I want to look pretty or do the stuff I like to do? 

***
I'm not even sure what I'm going to wish for when I blow out those 51 candles. 

The selfish part of me wants to wish for someone to share the few years I have left with. 

The realist part of me wants to wish for a plan to take on the idiot politicians locking everything down. 
I can't tell anyone my wish once I make it.  

Besides, I have asthma.  There is ash falling on my car from a wildfire nearby.  I probably won't have a prayer of blowing out the inferno on the cake. 

I'm told I have more than 400 Djinn - so if I knew what I wanted, I could always just make a wish. 

Seriously, though, I'll check in later and let ya know what I did today. 

Love ya, 

S. 

LATER IN THE DAY:

So, I'm falling in love with 1/3 of the basses I see online. 

I found a purple version of this one with custom pick-ups.  I really want it. 

I think I'm going to give it 24 hours. 

I also saw an alto sax I want. 

Sigh....

**

I regret reading my birthday Tarot reading.   It doesn't help.  I'll post it below for the laugh. 

The absolute highlight of my day was getting a call from a dear friend that I love but couldn't date due to my religion is GETTING MARRIED!  

I am so very stoked!  It's going to be nearly impossible to get the day off from work.  I wouldn't miss it for the world. 

I've been praying for him for FIVE long years!!! 

This is the best birthday ever! 

Love ya!! 

Want to laugh? 

Here is the tarot reading (with my commentary in red): 

Your cards: the Moon (18) - the Tower (16) - the Chariot (7) - the Fool - the Hermit (9)

First of all, the Moon and the Tower reveal new challenges in your life. Because you are looking towards the future, you have new goals to help you move a little closer to your dreams. The Moon refers to your subconscious and shows that lately you've been imagining a better life for yourself. If we are thinking about nocturnal dreams, some of my dreams are cool - other dreams I really don't want to manifest.  Today, there's no question of making the same mistakes again. The Tower in second place indicates you are ready to leave behind what belongs in the past so you can move forward in your life. Hopefully, I learned the lessons from my mistakes.  I made a ton of mistakes!  When I began studying your future with the cards, I immediately became aware of your uniqueness. More than anything, it was your values and beliefs that caught my interest. You are a sensitive and understanding person. Always ready to listen to your loved ones, you have understood one essential thing: your happiness depends on the happiness of your family and friends. This very altruistic attitude means you listen to your friends and family, show them understanding and empathize with them. I'm a little too sensitive.  I spent the day crying over a recurring nightmare that is all in my head.  I Don't really want to sleep anymore.  On the bright side, maybe I'll get more done.  I'm back to sleeping four hours a night.  I should make better use of my time.  .... today's draw announces big upheavals in your life in the coming weeks. The Chariot invites you to make a fresh start. Associated with the Fool in fourth position, it evokes a major breakthrough in your life. Uh oh - the Fool - The Fool takes risks and sometimes lucks into good stuff.  With me, often it's a crap shoot.  This is especially true on the emotional level, and I get some pretty strong feelings about the return of a man in your life. The path to which your draw is referring may well be the one of love and personal confidence.  That is such a huge contradiction isn't it?  Letting go of the past by bringing people from my past back into my world.... hmmm.... To tell the truth about it, there is a man from my past in my nocturnal life now (in that he's in my nightmares).  I thought it would end when I learned he was okay.  He gave me the time of day to remind me that he's alive.  I need to respect him now and stay the heck away.  I know he loves me because of how he acts around me but I get the sense I irritate him and cause him pain.  This is why I need to stay away.  There are millions of prettier women out there.   Besides, those nightmares are all in my head.  Please let them be all in my head....Seriously, he can't break his leg again.  If he's drinking himself into pain or feeling lonely and isolated, I'm sure he can call me.  I'm far too easy to find.   Again, there are millions of prettier women out there.  I'm going to try taking a handful of allergy medication at night.  I know it won't help the liver tumor but if I can't sleep, I'll probably kill people when I fall asleep driving.  I think naming a bass after him will cover for me if I scream out his name after dreaming that he's swimming with the sharks, jumping out of a plane without a parachute, being bitten by a thousand wolves, impaled with thousands of cupid's arrows or whatever the nightmare of the week is.   This has got to stop.....seriously..... The dreams started again about a year ago.  They started to get worse in May. I wonder what triggered the nightmares this time?  Possibly the lockdowns.  I'm worried about everyone.   I'll never know.  I'll light another white candle and pray.  I'm insane.  That's the only answer for the nightmares.  I'm flippin' nuts.  Sigh....