Stop Being a Snake Charmer

"The first rule is that one must accept the fact that, unsavory as it is, some people simply have no conscience and that these people tend to be very "everyday." Secondly, it is important to learn to use your own judgment about people instead of relying on roles and labels to inform you about a person's moral character. The third rule is to practice the Rule of Threes when considering a new relationship in your life. Three lies, and assume that you are hooking up with a liar. The fourth rule is to question authority. The fifth rule is to suspect flattery. The sixth rule says that, if necessary, you should redefine your concept of respect. The seventh rule is, simply, don't join the game. And related to this, the eighth rule is to avoid the sociopath altogether. Rule nine is to question your tendency to pity too easily. Number ten: do not try to redeem the sociopath. Also, number 11, never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character from other people. Rule number 12 is do not allow someone without a conscience to convince you that humanity is a failure. And rule number 13 is an old saw, but true nonetheless: living well is the best revenge."

- Martha Stout's 13 rules for living in a world that contains sociopaths





Today I am thankful for the therapeutic value of hiking. 

I saw my therapist today. 

We spent an hour talking about hiking.  We talked about how to be aware of danger.  Yes, I had mentioned to her earlier that other people had to point Shannon and Doug out to me during stalking incidents. 

I learned strategies for being more self-aware.  I was lectured on everything from locking my car door in the parking lot, to knowing the exits and always keeping my phone charged.

The thing that is sticking with me is the conversation surrounding first aid. 

Do I carry a first aid kit?

Yes. 

Do I know how to handle a snake bite? 

Well....no....I don't.


She told me the old school treatment for snake bites. 


Let the snake run off into the woods and take care of yourself. 


Suck the poison out.  Get to a medical provider.


Stay away from the snake.


Oh...I know...she was talking about Michael and Steve.  I need to stay away from snakes.

Truth be told, if someone's sister is stalking you and the man would prefer to threaten to divorce you over finding a solution, he is part of the problem. 

As far as Steve, if someone is running around the internet lying about you in an effort to harm your reputation, it's probably a good thing to let the snake go. 

To be quite blunt, Steve was acting like a sociopath by running around trying to defame, slander and threaten me in a bid to control me.  Does it really doesn't matter why he does it?  Nope....that only matters if he is in therapy and making progress.  The BPD label does not excuse him from the responsibility of his actions.



Biting others is the nature of snakes.  It doesn't matter why the snake lashes out.  It doesn't matter if the snake is scared. It doesn't matter if the snake has learned faulty coping mechanisms.  If it strikes, it is not fit for a relationship with a human.



I have to get over my guilt for letting go of these two. 


I've got to stop falling for the "Borderlines deserve love, too" line.  Yeah...you deserve love...at a distance until you get professional help. 




The same is true of anyone who tries to control another, they have to go.  The therapist nixed my ideas about marital counseling.  She is unsure if I can handle learning that my ex put his sister up to following me.  I think I am the only person in the world wanting to believe Michael's story that he had nothing to do with it.  I am having a hard time believing him. 


So....there I am. 


I am realizing that I have to stop being one of these.  

Now, as far as treating snake bites.  I had to Google it.  It appears that experts are no longer telling people to suck the poison out.  I rather like this video.  It has great suggestions in it. . From now on, I'm sticking a Sharpie in my first aid kit.

               Love ya,

S. 


P.S.  I should say that my therapist is of the opinion that personality disorders are not mental health issues.  This opinion is probably shared by insurance companies who refuse to pay for treatment.


Personality disorders are curable IF the subject wants to change and learn new modes of behavior.  The problem IS that they developed the behavior because it gets them what they want.  In the case of Cluster Bs (people who are narcissistic, histrionic, borderline and anti-social), they learn that being manipulative is advantageious.  They have little incentive to change.  This is why they are considered fixed.  Now....people with borderline personality disorder have empathy (it's just hidden beneath deep psychic pain), they can change...with help.  This is why BPD is considered to be treatable (if not curable).


I should also reitereate that the term "sociopath" is not a mental health diagnosis.  It is NOT a medical issue.  It is not something that one can be hospitalized for.  Sociopaths are more of an issue for the criminal justice system than the mental health system. 


Steve would send me countless text messages calling me a sociopath and threatening to have me hospitalized like he did his ex-wives.  It cannot and simply will not be done. Insurance companies will not pay to hospitalize a sociopath.  For that reason, there is simply no profit motive for a mental hospital to take such a patient.  Steve would need to come up with a better lie to pull such a thing on me.  And, no...he couldn't have had me branded as paranoid due to the stalking.  Shannon harassed quite a few of my therapist friends and psychology professors.  Michael stalked me outside of graduate alcohol counseling classes (headed by psychiatrists).  I had many mental health professionals help me document what was going on. 


Steve was just trying to get control of me.  It failed.



As of this writing, the correct diagnosis for "sociopathy" is Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD).  This is quite controversial because many therapists believe that other Cluster Bs exhibit sociopathology.  As of right now, the term ASPD is the clinical term.  To get that diagnosis, one would have to meet certain criteria, including trouble with law enforcement.  I don't meet it - Steve does.


What is the difference between an Anti-social and a Borderline?  Intent....Borderlines fear abandonment and lash out when they think they are losing control of a relationship.  Anti-socials don't act like the rules apply to them. 
That said - one can be both Anti-social and Borderline. 


REMEMBER TO STAY AWAY FROM SNAKES! 

Attention LGBT Activists - Stop Sabotaging Your Success

Today I am thankful for being a Libertarian and a Hellenist.

A little bit about myself.....

I am Pagan. 

I worship the Greek pantheon. 

On Sunday I light a candle to Apollo.  The beautiful gay God of music, art, science, medicine, intelligence and athleticism.  He teaches us to excel in every capacity that we can. 

On Friday I light a candle to Dionysus.  He is the bi-sexual God of love, lust, music and art.  He teaches us to be free. 

My daughter is a devotee of Artemis.  Yes, my daughter is gay.  In fact, as her friends start coming out to their parents, I make sure that I have a guest room ready....just in case....there is a negative reaction.  So far, it hasn't been an issue. 

I am also a Libertarian activist. 
I have marched in the Pride parade since 1987.

I was born in the hate state.  One of my first activist gigs was fighting a horrible law that came to be known as Amendment Two. 

Now, I wonder if the people that wrote that bill were on to something. 

In 1987, I was a homeless teenager, saved by a homosexual man.  He helped me sell a couple of instruments and gave me a reference to get my first apartment.  That man literally saved my life.  He made sure I lived next door so he could watch out for me. 

I repaid the debt by taking in a homosexual young man whose mother had thrown him out in the street for "being gay."

His name was Brian L. 

He died of AIDS in 1992.  He was 23. 

Brian loved dogs.  He loved Science Fiction.  He also had a crush on John Taylor and Mark O'Toole. 


Okay, truth be told....we both had crushes on just about anyone with a man package. 

We liked the same guys.  If they were gay, they were his.  If not....they were mine.

We made a good team. 

We'd spend hours listening to his old Duran Duran and Frankie Goes to Hollywood albums while trading Return of the Jedi bubble gum cards.  When I learned of his diagnosis, I gave him every Star Wars collectible I owned.  I don't regret that at all.  They brought him more joy than they gave me. 

Whenever I hear old school Duran Duran, I weep for Brian.  He was born in October, so.....there is one song I can barely tolerate.  We'd listen to it.....over....and over.....and over. 



I miss Brian.  I miss him terribly.  I miss the way he would flit around the kitchen singing Madonna songs.  I never thought his voice would still be haunting me 23 years after his death. 







I have Brian's picture on my laptop with a dog he helped save.  It was an American Eskimo named Luxury.  It was hit by a car but the owner was too damn cheap to take it to the vet.  It was a mean little thing....but Brian....he had a way with dogs.  We got the dog to the vet and found the $60 needed to help the pup.  The dog made a full recovery.



I have seen first hand the destruction of discrimination. 

I think it killed my friend.  His mother threw him out of the house when she learned he was gay.  He became a prostitute so he had a place to sleep at night.  I saw him night after night on the bus bench outside my bedroom window.  One night I offered him my huge walk in closet (it was bigger than my room).  A friendship was born. 

Six months later, he was diagnosed with AIDS.  I remember....when he was living with me...Wendy's Corporation fired him for being gay.  I was livid.  You know, I still am. 



He told me to simmer down.  There would be a time and place to fight.  The time and place were not right. 


I have to say....I still refuse to eat at Wendy's.


I have that right. 


It's a shame that people do not understand the power of making private decisions (more about that later).  We can tell the truth about bad business decisions.  We can stop giving our dough to people who offend us.  We can also stop demanding that they make dough for us.


When Brian moved in with me, he started looking for work that didn't put him at risk of jail.  He discovered fast food.  He was fairly extroverted and seemed to love the rush of working in a fast paced environment. 


Brian met another man named Brian at work.  They fell in love and moved in together.  Both Brians had HIV, albeit different strains.  Back then....we didn't understand that sharing two different forms of HIV could cause people to die faster. 


This was before AZT. 

This was also before talk of gay marriage.  Brian and Brian were the perfect couple.  I wonder....sometimes....what they would have thought about gay marriage. 


Brian's boyfriend died first.  Within a few months, Brian's mother reconciled with her son.  He died at home.  I was still pissed at her.  Who in the hell throws her own flesh and blood out in the cold???!!!


******
Throughout my activist career, I have internally heard Brian's voice remind me to be mindful of the place and time to take my fights. 


I think Brian's advice has saved my arse on a few occasions.  It keeps me from charging into the fray without thought. 


I think Brian's advice can save other activists, too.  

***********

Gay marriage is a big issue.  It is making huge inroads.  It is becoming more and more legal.  It is becoming more and more socially acceptable. 

I see gay couples holding hands on a daily basis.  This is a far cry from 1987 where my gay friends and I had to hold hands when we saw members of the Denver Police Department.  There were reports of police beating up gay men to the point of unconsciousness,  It wasn't worth the risk. 

We have come a long way. 


For the most part.....we have come a long way. 


I am beginning to feel a little bit frustrated with the LGBT movement.  I really want to ask....



What is up with suing small business owners who won't bake cakes or do flowers for your weddings?

Is this the right time and place for that battle?  Don't you want to wait until you secure the right to marry in all 50 states first? 

Why NOT educate people rather than bully them into doing business with you? 






Aren't you afraid that suing small business owners for such things is impeding support for gay marriage?




I would be. 



Suing people for such things only creates one more argument against marriage equality. 

Now, due to the sheer number of these lawsuits, a Colorado lawmaker has introduced a bill allowing business owners to refuse to perform a service due to religious beliefs.  Darn it!  It's a shame when it comes down to having to create legislation to protect people from frivolous lawsuits.


In 1992, one of the things the Colorado hate amendment proposed to do was protect people from having to serve gays.   The amendment promised to prevent gays from having "special rights."  Many activists took that as a protection for discriminating fools and set to work disbanding it.  It took an order from the Supreme Court to nullify that law. 


Maybe the framers of that amendment were right.  Maybe there is this desire to have special rights. 


I would think that being allowed to bully small business owners into serving you is a "special right."


As a Pagan, I cannot go into a Christian cake shop and demand a cake shrine to Dionysus complete with an illustration of naked Maenads tearing the flesh off of a non-believer.  That may be offensive to a Christian.  They would have every right to refuse the job.  I wouldn't blame them....not one bit!

Worse, I wouldn't really trust a baker who didn't want to work for me.  They could,...you know...spit in the cake!  NEVER hire a baker who doesn't want to work for you....EVER!






We can't bully people. 

If I started doing that, I would fear a backlash against my fellow Pagans. 




Besides, Christians have that whole ten rule thingy where making idols honoring other Gods promises them a toasty afterlife in a sulfurish hell with frightening looking fallen angels.  Have you smelled sulfur?  UGH....no thank you.  Why would you expect someone to do something that would make them spend the rest of their lives fearing that fate? 

That's not love.  That's abuse!


Besides, I think they fear turning into pillars of salt should they stare at us "heathens" to long.

Just as we want certain groups to understand and honor us, we need to understand and honor others.

This is the true meaning of diversity. 



*******


If I were gay, I wouldn't bully people into providing services for me.  That could create a backlash. 

I suspect the lawsuits against small business owners are only fueling any anti-gay marriage hysteria. 



Cut it out. 

Stop suing people.



Educate them!




How? 



Well....first....I'd go to the small business groups and talk about the demographic.  Make small business owners want to provide for your market!   For the most part, this is a very educated and well to do demographic.  This is a virtually untapped market!  There will be people willing to do the work.

I'd go to the leadership in various cities and talk about the services that are desired and ask for help getting more people licensed for the needed services (perhaps by providing tax discounts).   The more competition, the less likely discriminating souls will thrive.  Crowd them out!


Small businesses exist to make money.  Someone will come along to fit the bill.


Besides, I really like the idea from Mississippi small business owners who developed a sticker for business owners committed to serving people from all walks of life.  They're going to get the business while the others lose out.  Perhaps this can be implemented nationally.

Don't sue.  Let the free market show the way. 


Oh, by the way, Colorado is also seeing an increase in religious discrimination complaints against bakeries.  One person complained that a Christian baker refused to decorate a cake with an anti-gay message.  She is facing charges now: http://kdvr.com/2015/01/19/man-takes-legal-action-after-denver-baker-refuses-to-make-anti-gay-cake/



Look - you can't have it both ways. 





Gay rights activists have come a long way.  You're not going to win the war on discrimination by waging war with individuals.  Go for the gold....go for equality....let people who discriminate lose business.  Eventually these people will whither away....not because they are being sued out of existence but because other people will create competition for them.  Gay marriage is creating a demand in the marketplace - make it easier for new entrepreneurs to fill it. 




Don't sue people. 

Don't make it a crime for people to refuse to do business that violate their moral behavior.

Let the market sort it all out.


Anyone want to bake me a cake? 

Just teasing.....
 

*******
Oh, the Libertarian position on gay marriage is that the government shouldn't be in the game anyway.  It shouldn't be up to the government to give permission for people to marry. 

The government is in the marriage business.  So...until that ends one must make their moves within the game as it currently stands.

If marriage equality is what is wanted, get that first BEFORE making martyrs out of certain religious groups. 


*********


Yes....and I would happily make floral arrangements and cakes for gay weddings if the generous God Dionysus would grant me such talent.  As it stands now, I can't bake a cake to save my life.  I can hypnotize a guy not to faint in front of the minister.  I can hypnotize someone to taste yummy vanilla when they taste my nasty, salty cake -but- I cannot create a masterpiece worthy of the start of a new life. 

Someone will.  Reach out to them and leave the fearful Christians alone. You know the majority of freedom loving people are on your side, Christians or not.  You know that most of us want our brethren to pursue their own happiness.  Trust that. 

Don't ruin your inroads by sending hate mail and financially destroying others. 



Lead by example. 

Lead with love. 
Lead with acceptance because in the end, this is what you truly want. 

Model it!



Love ya,

S. 

In the Market for an Instrument: Must Be Strange

Oh, that's not appropriate.....Hmmmmmm.....let's try something else.






  Ahhhh....that's better.  If you can listen to the masters play for an hour, then you're all 'bout that bass.



Today I am thankful for rituals. 

My step-father bought me a bass after my mother died.  I wanted to join a band as the guitar player.  No one wanted to be the bass player, so I found myself trying it out.  This one had a three digit serial number.  It was old.  It was heavy.  I loved it!


I found myself buying all the disco albums I could find.  Then I developed a crush on Sting, Geddy Lee, Peter Cetera, Ben Orr, John Taylor and....shhh.....Michael Anthony.  I always had a thing for Bootsy (no secret there).  I was excited when Flea made Bootsy's style popular again but that was many years after I began playing.   Maybe someday I'll tell you about the guy who tried to seduce me by promising to teach me how to play like Collins.....oooooh.....I guess I attracted sociopaths at a young age.  Live and learn. 

I hadn't heard anything until I discovered Jazz.  Marcus Miller stole my heart. 


Oh.....I used to practice four to six hours a day.  Oh, how I long for that kind of time now.  I didn't want to date because boyfriends tore me away from practicing or jobs (which I needed to earn money for more guitars). 



My first bass was a Peavey T-40.








I have a crazy ritual.  When I break up with a guy, I always buy myself a bass guitar. 


Tom left me so I could pursue college (or so the story goes) back in 1987.  To soothe my broken heart and pass the time, I bought myself a five string bass that looked like this....






I didn't like how it sounded.  I thought it sounded tinny, even with the round wound strings.  I thought it was sleek, unique and fun.....just like Tom.  I bought it without getting to see a guy's crotch (like the video).  The salesman wasn't a bassist.  I played it and bought it.  I think that the major selling point is that it is weightless (at least compared to the vintage T-40). I could carry that sucker anywhere!


I enrolled in college and my music theory instructor tried to convince me to play the upright bass.  There was always work for classical female bassists.  I was too lazy to listen. 




I couldn't even drive back then.  Seriously....how was I going to take a double bass on a bus? 


*********

Ross destroyed my favorite bass because he was angry that I was practicing on Christmas Day.  I made him replace it.  He took my credit card and spent $1,000 on one of these made of Koa wood.  It was in pristine condition unlike the thing in this video.  It played like a dream. 




Ross was violent.  I got tired of being put in the hospital, so I left him and bought another Peavey T-40 for $250 from a kid on campus.  This one had a six digit serial number.  On the bright side, if anything goes wrong with it, I have plenty of spare parts from my original. 


Now.....I wound up giving the Steinberger away to a Lesbian couple in exchange for a place to stay.  They, in the goodness of their hearts, donated it to a high school jazz band program. 

******


I married Michael.  He was bullying some poor bass player who became incredibly depressed.  I gave him the Peavey Dyna-Bass, hoping to get him to get back into playing.  He sold it for drugs.

What an idiot!


Before you call me an idiot for giving it away, my kind act was witnessed by a guy selling his house.  He knocked $10,000 off of the purchase price in a tight market. 


That act paid for itself many times over. 


I still haven't bought a new bass to mark the end of my relationship with Michael.  I was waiting for him to move out of the house before doing so.  He hasn't left yet....so....I'm still waiting.


I think he's trying to be a stand up guy....trying...despite stealing money and being dishonest.  He's trying.  So, to symbolize the relationship, I am eyeing a stand up bass.




Now....when it comes to Steve...I don't know. 


That relationship was a bit....


shall we say....


weird. 


I don't know if I should get myself a bass. 


I asked my friends about it. 


I have a dear friend who often found herself attacked by Steve.  He was so rude to her that her boyfriends had attack him until he left her alone.

She was one of many friends that Steve had attacked.  To this day, I fail to understand why he did that.  Steve said it was because he wanted to belong to our group.  I thought inviting him along was a form of inclusion but maybe it wasn't in his eyes. 

Now, in retrospect, I think he was trying to ruin my relationships with my friends in order to isolate me.  It didn't work.


So.....I had no clue what to buy to symbolize the end of that relationship. 

I'm still not sure. 


It was weird....


It was strange....


The music we made was foreign.. 


So, one of my friends made a suggestion.


I present to you what I am trying to find in my mid-western town:



I am told that I can always buy a Sitar Swami pedal and 6-string guitar failing my ability to find a decent Sitar in town. 

What do you think?


I still think a kuzoo is a better choice. 


I find Indian music relaxing.  I can't take Kuzoo music seriously.   




On the bright side, if I buy the Sitar, I will be too busy learning to play it to date anyone.  That ought to help my heart heal. 

Love ya,

S. 

Maybe I should listen to this before whipping out the black candles....

See? 

Indian music is relaxing.  Isn't it?  Maybe a sitar is the way to go. 

Trying to Prove that My Stalker Died

Today I am thankful for good friends who share their paid subscription to the SSDI death index.

I see my therapist tomorrow.  My homework assignment was to try to figure out whether Shannon had actually died because stalkers have been known to pretend to be dead in order to trick their victims into letting their guard down. 


So....I've been trying to be creative.


I called all the mortuaries....nada. 

I visited the Catholic cemetery.....nothing. 


I cannot access the records from the health department because I am not a member of the immediate family. 

My friend believes that the SSDI death index updates itself weekly, so I thought that could help me figure out whether or not I am safe. 

Well....she's not listed. Her is a cut and paste

United States Social Security Death Index

Search all collections

No records found for Name: Shannon D***s, Event: Birth, Event Range: 1971-1973, Event: Death, Event Range: 2015-2015

I really, truly hope she isn't walking among the dead.  Death is a final end to the stalking.  I would have felt better if it were to have ended with her being rehabilitated. 

In any event, I'll be happy to have it end. 

The only evidence I can find for her death is a YouTube video put together in her honor.  There is only one comment memorializing her. 

I really hope this is a farce.  I'll share the video. 

She was well over 500 pounds when I last spoke to her outside of my making grunts of terror.

She looked to be about 215 pounds when she tried to break into my house.  I recognized her by her skin.  That woman had tiny pores!!  Her skin was always beautifully smooth. 

What a way to recognize someone!! 

I would say she looked a tad bit heavier when she watched Steve and I suck down coffee.  That was the last time I saw her.  She wore a baby blue suit and black flats.  She wore a string of white pearls and had her Macintosh Computer facing us.  I'd never seen her in a pantsuit before.  I once bought her a peach dress suit to wear to a wedding.  It was a special order.  She looked great in that color, the photographer snapped quite a few pics of her.  I still have many nice photos of her wearing that. 

On this day, she looked very nice.  I only recognized her because she was staring.  She'd lean forward when I started to talk about the children.   I don't remember her ordering anything....but, mind you, I was really too freaked out to pay too much attention to that. 

When you see her face, you'll see how easy it was to pick her out of a crowd.

When you hear her speak, you'll realize that she could have been anything in her life....part of me hopes she still has time to be who she needs to be rather than harass the holy crap out of people. 

If she is truly dead, I'll never know WHY she did the crazy stuff she did.  Maybe it is better that way.  I probably wouldn't understand.


She may have been helping her brother spy on me.  She may have been trying to dig up information for their mother.  I don't know....

It was just....

.so...

weird. 

Now matter what the outcome, may Shannon be moving toward bigger and better things.

Love ya,

S. 

How NOT to Play The Victim - Sing IT!

Today I am thankful that I have found a way NOT to play victim.

So.....I'm still having nightmares about what happened with Steve.  I think I fear it happening to someone else.

Steve ran around telling people that I mentally abused him by "talking for 15 minutes" because I "didn't want to lose the relationship."

He wrote this on Facebook, too. 

I immediately made sure that he knew that I broke up with him so that he could "clear up some space in his life to find someone kinder and more considerate."


That was September 1st.

I actually broke up with him on August 29th but we were stuck at a concert, so I wasn't sure he got the message.  He should have on September 1st.


In the days and weeks that followed, Steve sent me numerous threatening texts and emails.  This is what some people with Borderline personality disorder do.  They lie to third parties.  They harass through third parties.  They try to ruin your reputation.  Why?  Well.....they harass and try to embarrass you in the hopes of getting you back -or- getting enough attention from third parties to meet their need to be liked. 

This was nothing new.  He did this every three weeks or so for reasons that I have yet to understand.

In these emails....he continually said that I "played the role of a victim." 

That was the sentence that made me reconsider kicking my ex-husband out of the house. I originally let him stay pending his bariatric surgery.  I am realizing now that he will never get such a surgery. 

If I am at fault for being a victim, I may as well extend an olive branch.  I have to find a way to get him to move on with as little collateral damage as possible. 


This does not make me a victim. 


This makes me smart.


I realize, though, that Steve is probably still running around telling people that I play the role of a victim. 

*****
I have a handsome neighbor who is married.  He's an athlete.  He coaches Little League in the neighborhood.  He's a man of color.  He hangs out with a lot of athletes who are hot as he!!. 


He says one of them has the hots for me.  He wants to be my new man. 


I'm not ready. 


I need to stop looking like a victim. 


My neighbor told me that I'm too aggressive to be a victim.  He said he's seen me "in the political arena".  I take on the politicians.  Why would anyone in their right mind think I'm a victim?

Still....if I have the stench of a victim, I will attract more abusers.

I need to get the smell off of me before I do anything else in my life.  


***** 

Today....I figured out how to stop looking like a victim.

I'm going to share Steve's emails, texts  and talk about what he did to me.  Victims are silent.  Steve told me numerous times to shut up.  He threatened to have me committed.  He told people that I was crazy.  He played games to try to make me look crazy.  I think he did that so I would shut up as he asked me to do.  He needed me to shut up so my friends, especially the ones he was hitting on, wouldn't know that he was abusive. 

Here is the reality, survivors talk about it.  They typically do that to warn others. I don't want this jerk hurting more women. 

Of course, the first people I'm going to talk too are the necromaners in my coven.  I'm sure they know how to reveal things that are hidden. 

Good luck, Steve. 


He's gonna need it. 


His only hope is to get into a psychiatric program for personality disordered people.  If his shrink sends me a letter asking me to stay silent, I will....


otherwise.....I'm going to start squawking.


Oh....and I don't listen to lawyers.  I've had far too many posture and threaten me.  I know the game too well.  I've been threatened by more city attorneys than I can remember.  It's just noise to me.

I know Steve has threatened to sue me numerous times in the past.  He said he would lie to get a restraining order if he had to because his ex wife was able to lie to get a restraining order.  That didn't fly very far.  I am beginning to believe he abused his ex wives just like he did me.  Maybe I should give a gift to Nemesis and pray for Karma? 

Hmmmm....I'm a witch.  The options are numerous. 


I will only follow the dictates of a licensed psychiatrist, someone I can verify as a provider of treatment for personality disordered men.  I will, as he asked, "shut the f*ck up" if he is in treatment.
 

It's not slander or defamation if it is truthful and CAN BE PROVEN.  He can't prove his lies.  I can prove what he has done.  I'm just going to share the emails.  I can't be accused of lying if I simply copy and paste EVERYTHING including headers and IP addresses.  I may also share his name on the websites intended to keep women from dating abusive losers.  If you abuse....you're a loser. 



After getting the calls from the 25 year old girl and seeing screenshots of his daughter's suicidal post....I realize I need to stop crying and start protecting people. 

It will be done. 

Oh, and there is one other piece of unfinished business.  I'll write about that tomorrow. 

Love ya,

S. 

Party In Roosh Vörek's Nightmares

Poetic Justice......still rape is wrong even if it is a rapist getting served up a huge dose of karma.




Today I am thankful for glocks, rape-axes, huge strap-ons and incubi - don't forget the incubi.

. 


Some of my friends are upset at an article about a guy who probably couldn't get laid if he wanted to.  There is some terrible jerk who writes a lot of anti-woman rhetoric for attention. 

Now he wants rape to be legalized. 


Okay....sure thing buddy.

I'd like his address. 


I want to know where the party is going to be. 
Where can I get some flunitrazepam?
Should I invite Gentle Bob?  He ain't so gentle towards asshats.


I can easily put on two of those female condoms with razor sharp teeth they developed in Africa, take my Glock and a huge strap-on and have at him..


No...never mind.  He's too young for me.  Besides, he's too darn ugly.  Rape is a crime of power and control.  Ugly idiots are not challenging enough.  It wouldn't feel like a win to rape an easy target.  If I wanted control over someone, I'd like it to be someone important.


You know....like control over myself!! 


Self-control....yes....that is the biggest challenge.  It would seem that this is what we need to teach our young people.  We need to teach them to have self-control!


*****
First off, I've been raped. 


The first guy was a stranger.  I came home from visiting with my grandfather and this jerk was in my apartment.  He claimed that the landlord let him in.  He threw me on to the carpet and quickly did his thing  while making fun of me.  I think I inadvertently recorded everything he said to me.  He kept talking about his evil wife.  He named her and that is what eventually helped me figure out who he was.

I missed my graduation due to that ordeal.   I found a way to run away when he was taking a dump in the bathroom.  Thank Zues, men tend to have bad plumbing.  That saved my life!

I got the best of him, though.  I soon found out who he was.  It turned out that he went to high school with me five years before.  I found his face in a yearbook.  I did more research on him.   He turned out to be one of my sister's friends.  I found his wife.  I pretended to be pregnant.  It was so bad that when I saw this guy or his wife at the mall, I'd pretend to shop for baby clothes. 

They divorced soon after.  He LOST everything! 


Don't piss off a seventeen year old redhead. 

I never called the cops.


My justice was better. 




My first husband would beat me and have sex with me while I was unconscious.  We didn't last more than eighteen months.  His behavior was rape.  I wound up leaving him when he tried to invite other men to these "parties."


The last guy I dated did something so vile that he feared being arrested on rape charges.  He dragged me into his bedroom and was not very nice (refused to wear protection, too).  I'm pretty sure that he has a severe mental illness.  I let him off the hook when he said he was seeking therapy.  If I wind up with VD or something, I'll take matters in my own hands.




That said.....


I've got news for you.......


wait for it....


wait for it.....




MEN GET RAPED, TOO!!!




In fact, I have far more men who have been raped by other men than I have met women raped by men.   But then....I tend to hang out with gay rights activists.



BOYS GET RAPED, TOO! 




This idiotic noise maker doesn't get it, does he?  If he legalizes rape, he's going down.  Well...maybe not him....he's not really the best looking guy on the planet.  I think rapists like challenges.  He's too stupid to be a real challenge. 


A law like that will get boys raped. 

I can hear it now....don't go to a Catholic church or you'll be asking for it!  The minute you step past the door frame, they can do what they want to you! 

What is this guy....an idiot? 

Oh...yeah...we've already established that.




Still...I'd love to see him publicize his address. I can visit and pretend to have a huge 20" submarine sandwich under my oilskin riding coat.



******

Me? 


Well, I'm a witch who collects allegedly haunted artifacts. 


All I need is a birth name and a birth date.  It could help to know his mother's maiden name. 


I am allegedly the keeper of a hungry succubus and two hungry incubi. 

I'd be more than willing to send them Vörek's way.


It seems like he has a rape fantasy that he has yet to fulfill.

No cop will be able to help him.  Maybe he can make friends with an exorcist. 

Okay....okay....I'll do my best to keep my black candles packed away.  I'll try to show some self-control.....try....


What was it Yoda said again about try? 


Oh, that...

Ooops....how did that candle get on my altar? 

Did I set the fire on that cursing candle? 

It seems to me that I seriously need to work on that self-control piece.

Sweet dreams, Roosh. 

Got any holy water?  You're gonna need it. 


Love ya,



S. 





Edit;  Okay....okay....I should be an honorable Pagan and put forth a disclaimer. 


The Goddess Lilith is the mother of the succubi and the incubi.  She has been taken advantage of, lied about and abused by so-called men of God throughout history.  This beautiful Goddess does not condone rape.  She would curse any soul who would use her children to rape others, even rapists.




Don't you see?  Rape is such a slimy crime, even demonic goddesses do NOT condone it!

How to Spot a Cluster B on Facebook (scroll down for edits)

Today I am thankful that I am finding new ways of spotting psychopaths before getting into relationships with them. 

There is a recent study that I thought I should share.  It is that researchers at Ohio State University found that men who post a lot of selfies tend to have cluster B Personality disorders and score higher on tests for psychopathy. 


Steve took a lot of selfies.  There were times when he'd take a selfie with me far off in the background.  That should have been a tip off of where I stood in the relationship.

He liked to tell everyone that I was a sociopath.  Maybe that was a little bit of projection going on....


Here is a newsletter from Ohio State describing the study:




http://news.osu.edu/news/2015/01/06/hey-guys-posting-a-lot-of-selfies-doesn%E2%80%99t-send-a-good-message/



This certainly explains a lot. 





Posting selfies points to a cry for attention, especially if they are numerous.  He did need attention from other women.









He would also make videos, akin to what a rock star would have created for the MTV of old. 


I never had the heart to tell him that he couldn't vocalize satanic metal grunts very well.  I tried to get him to visit with my vocal coach but he wasn't interested.  He tried to do the death growl....those cookie monsterish, monotone, black metal, demonic, gothic sounds.  His came off as a whisper.  I know they are hard to do and sustain.  Still.....it was hard for me to listen to his recordings.

This is one of the better gothic metal bands, so I'll share so you can hear a sample of the death growl.










I felt embarrassed for Steve.  He is a talented drummer but needs more experience with vocals.  More than that, I truly wanted him to get vocal training because I feared he'd lose his voice. 


The graphic effects of his videos were superb, though.  He could have easily had a second career. 




The few people I know who can do that well are classically trained in Opera.  I have heard stories of a local singer here ruining his voice doing death grunts improperly.  I am told that he needs surgery now. 

Truth be told, I probably shouldn't critique Steve.  The only thing I can sing is Happy Birthday and I can only do a fair job of that.  Friends don't let friends embarrass themselves or ruin their vocal cords.  I must not have been much of a friend because I couldn't get him help.



I should have realized that a man who puts together self-serving videos and tons of selfies to Facebook could have a problem with narcissism.  This could especially be more true if he truly believes that every post you make is about him.




I only share this because I think it will prevent other people from suffering a similar fate.  If you're dating a guy who takes a lot of selfies and can't part from his phone, you may be dating a psychopath. 

Love ya,

S. 


Edit:  Now, just to be sure I make it clear....


Three of the four Cluster B personality disorders tend to be fixed in stone; anti-social, histrionic and narcissistic,


There has always been controversy about Borderline Personality Disorder.  It does mirror narcissism but is caused by someone being is so much psychic pain that they cannot consider the needs of other people.  People with BPD who have not been adequately treated, will act like narcissists until they learn to manage their deep psychic pain.  They will nit-pick others.  They will act out for attention.  They will find joy in attacking their partners and friends. They will cheat.  They will play games to test the love and loyalty of their partners.  They will lie but will not necessarily know they are lying.  They are delusional and will walk a fine line between neuroticism and psychoticism....unless they seek treatment.  

They will pull what I call the "not everybody with BPD card" ....people with this disorder who have not finished treatment tend to be ignorant of their behavior and the impact they have on others.  They swear that they do not do these things UNTIL they look within, find the reasons for their behavior, step out of their delusion and STOP the behavior. 


Until they get help, the only thing they are about is whether or not people like them.  They do anything to be noticed and be liked - hence the selfies and the MTVish videos. 



It used to be seen as a misdiagnosis for people with bi-polar disorder who self-harmed.  Now, it is seen more as an emotional dysregulation disorder than a personality disorder.  This....in short...means that there is hope. 

It is now seen more as a poor coping mechanism rather than a personality disorder.  It can be curable with years of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (a form of CBT specifically designed for Borderline).

There is hope for people with Borderline Personality Disorder but they have to reach out for it.

Edit2:  Oh,  I should point out the difference between a sociopath and a borderline.  Borderlines engage in sociopathic behavior....but NOT for the same reasons as a sociopath. 



And, I'm old school.  There is little difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.  Psychopaths are born messed up.  Sociopaths are made.  Basically, sociopaths are socialized psychopaths. 

I promised to explain the differences between BPD behavior and sociopath behavior.  Both conditions lead to promiscuity, manipulation, impulse control problems and a poor ability to maintain relationships, but for different reasons. A person with BPD desperately seeks to control others to avoid feeling depressed and to keep people from leaving him or her. In contrast, a sociopath manipulates dispassionately for his own gain. Relationships with a BPD partner tend to be turbulent and often end dramatically because of the borderline's splitting (alternating between seeing things and people as either all good, or all bad), extreme (and often irrational) fear of rejection, and excessive mood swings. The sociopath generally does not care about maintaining the relationship or whether or not he hurts his partner. Sociopaths lack empathy where people with Borderline have empathy, it just seems to be buried deep beneath their insecurity.

Either way, it is impossible to remain in a relationship with someone with untreated BPD.

Edit 4:  I never explained how I was able to clue in to the problem.  This man stated that he had a personality disorder label but wouldn't tell me.  He started to send me abusive emails and ran around triangulating to third parties with obnoxious lies and some went as far as to confront me over his bullshit.

He would talk about fantasizing about 20 year old women (turned out he slept with a 27 year old acquaintance of mine who he put up to calling me for a couple of years after the relationship ended). He complained about me constantly and sent me numerous abusive emails.  He threatened to lie to the police in order to try to get me to do stuff for him (like that would work...lol) and threatened to stalk me in an effort to piggyback on the fear my ex-husband's stalking created in me.  He also sent himself to the hospital several times after breaking up with me in a bid to get me back.  It got to the point my friends could predict his next hospitalization (nothing was ever diagnosed).

Those are all manipulative things that psychopaths, sociopaths and other narcissists are prone to doing.

How did I know he was Borderline?

It wasn't enough that he tried to use DBT on me.  He would literally become violent if he thought I was going to leave him.  In those moments, he'd take on the demeanor of a child before lashing out.

That wasn't the clincher.

Every single day he'd complain about empathy and how no one had it.  He would say that he wanted to start a database to report people with no empathy to ridicule them publicly.  He had that complaint about his mom, his boss, me and just about anyone who crossed his path.

He didn't need to have empathy.  Everyone else needed to have empathy in order to fill the void in his childhood development.

The empathy rant is common among people with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I've heard it a lot in borderlines but never have I heard it from a narcissist.

I recently spoke to a young lady who wanted to know if her ex was a narcissist or a borderline.  I'll share my advice.

It doesn't matter.  If someone is abusive towards you and you are pained by being in a relationship, it doesn't matter what label they have.

Get  away.

It's up to them to fix their demons.  It takes a lot of motivation and work but people with these issues rarely want to do the work.  Don't put yourself on hold waiting for them to heal.


Hope this helps someone,


S.  

Possible PTSD diagnosis

Today I am thankful for a therapist who understands:
Today I was told that I could possibly have PTSD.

I hired a Borderline Personality Disorder expert to be my personal therapist.  Her doctoral dissertation was on the topic, she knows the ins and outs of the disorder.


She was inspired to get into psychology after a relationship with a male Borderline. 


She knew what to ask.


She asked if Steve made me feel crazy.


Made me feel crazy?  He tried to paint me as crazy.  I still have the text messages in which he  threatened to have me committed like he did his ex-wife!! My only regret is not taking him up on the offer.  I'm pretty sure a trained clinician could have easily spotted the truth of the situation.  Perhaps he'd have gotten some real help that way. 

Ah.....live and learn. 


She asked how many times we broke up and got back together.


I don't know.  I lost count after five.  He broke up with me every three weeks....typically before major holidays.  I think he did that so we didn't have to celebrate together.   The other times he'd break up with me, he thought he had a chance with another woman like the clerk at the 7-11 or one of his Facebook friends. 


I realize now that the reality may have simply been that I was probably being punished for getting to close to him. 




She asked if I felt like other people didn't believe me. 


I was lucky.  Steve would write abusive stuff about me on my Facebook page and wind up taking it down when my friends complained about it.  They knew he was abusive. I had a few friends beg me to leave.  One of them still posts memes for me telling me to make sure that the men I choose are worthy of me. 


The problem was that Steve would write things to provoke a response and once I responded, he'd edit his original post to make me look crazy.

She asked if he tended to embarrass me.
Yes, He knew I was being stalked.  When he wasn't getting his way, he'd run to Facebook and tell people I was crazy because I talked about being stalked (this happened as early as '12).  The last time I heard about him doing that was in October '14. 
The sick thing was that he was there during the Starbucks incident; Shannon had her computer out and was watching us drink coffee. 

My ex-husband (and possibly sister-in-law) were watching his page.  Every lie he'd post about me, I would hear about it.  I was stalked so well, they knew that the things he wrote were lies. 


I guess I should be happy that I never strangled Steve.  My stalker could have been a witness.

Here is a link that describes how sociopaths use social networking to find and humiliate people.  It describes what Steve did to me to a "T": http://datingasociopath.com/2015/02/20/how-the-sociopath-once-you-are-emotionally-invested-will-force-you-to-focus-on-your-morals-and-values-to-manipulate-keep-control/



She asked if there was physical trauma.



Yes, I was traumatized when Steve choked me.  This may be the act that caused the PTSD to take hold. 

The physical trauma wasn't the worst of it.  The mental confusion was harder to deal with.  He was just rude to the hilt.  Seriously?  Who takes a woman on a date and orders dinner at 4:00 while she is in the bathroom.  He ordered for himself.  We were in a parking lot waiting for his mother to drop off his daughter so I could drive them to a concert.  She wound up being 90 minutes late.  I didn't have time to order anything because I was expected to drive him and his daughter to a concert.  He scarfed down his food.  He didn't tell me that this would be my final opportunity to eat until midnight.  I have blood sugar issues and wasn't carrying my dietetic food bars out of fear that the security staff would confiscate them. 

Worse, this was the day he had his friend SELL my concert tickets after we arrived.  We had a deal that if I were to buy tickets to a Pagan festival, he would purchase the tickets to this concert.  The Pagan festival was much more expensive.  He must have felt I was taking advantage of him because he  bought me a cheaper set with different seats.  He and his daughter had floor passes.  I was stuck in the stands.....hungry...by myself.

When I tried to talk about it, I was mocked for having an ugly car.  Then I was told to "shut the f*ck up."  And, yes, this was the day I decided to end things with him.  It didn't help that I overheard him complaining that I was angry to his friend who sold my tickets.  I heard his friend reply, "well....it must be true love."  I took that as a sign that I should have left much sooner.  

It needed to end. Of course, when we came home Steve ran to Facebook to do his customary pre-emptive strike.  He started lying about me.  He said I never lifted a finger to help him or had any consideration for him.  The weird thing was that he still had the $100 I brought to the concert.  I'm not going to complain.  I'll call it a wash.   He thinks he is a nice guy.  He's not.  Who invites a woman on a date and expects her to pay?  I did that a lot.  I think, in the future, I'm going to see that as a red flag.  I pay out of the kindness of my heart and a sense of fairness.  It feels weird to do that out of pressure. 

That could explain why he was smirking the last time I saw him.  I think it took him awhile to come up with a plan to embarrass me.


Yes, in the past, he would do stupid stuff (like threaten to report me to Facebook) and tell me that he got the idea from other people.  He literally planned to make my life a living hell.  As much as I loved him, life is much easier when he is not around. 

I think the worst part was recruiting people to contact me on his behalf. 

He told so many lies about me that he managed to get a couple of my friends to call me to see if I were okay.  One of them believed the lies.  Another one tried to capitalize on the situation.  A third gave Steve a lot of sympathy but no longer speaks to either one of us: I think he realized that he was being played. 



Oh, and it didn't help that Steve had a twenty-five year old acquaintance call me in crisis on nights I had to get to work early in the morning.  This happened about two months after we broke up.  At first, I thought she was a girl in trouble so I took the calls.  By the third call, she brought up Steve's antics towards her.  It turned out that Steve had tried to pursue her during our relationship and he had claimed to have naked photos of her that could be posted online.  I found out later that he talked her out of finishing college and she was left homeless.  He would often tell her that he was the only person who cared about her.  No one else would care about someone like her.  He often said rude things like that to me, too.  She told me that a man had taken advantage of her and left her pregnant.  She had to give the child up for adoption and would call me in the middle of the night to cry about it.

I wonder now.....was that man Steve? 

I remember telling her to focus on what she needs and ignore older men who have issues.  There are plenty of men her age who would love to be with her.  Within an hour of ending that conversation, Steve went to Facebook and wrote a bunch of bizarre claims on my wall.  My friends managed to stomp out his antics.....again.


If Steve truly took advantage of this young lady, I NEVER want to see his face again.  I might stomp on it. 




********

So, I've been working on the stalking fear in therapy, now that there is a chance it is over. 


Sure, my ex-husband stalks me -but- he has never thrust guns in my neighbors' faces, harassed my co-workers, lied to my boss, tried to get a job at my university in order to harass me, lied to my landlord or done anything overtly hurtful to third parties.


His sister did things like that.  I found it particularly isolating because I found myself giving up opportunities, jobs and moving because I felt the need to keep these third parties safe.


Most of the fear I have surrounds his sister's antics. 


If it is true that she is dead, I can breathe a sigh of relief.


I am waiting to get information from the county as to whether or not she is truly deceased.  Part of me wants her to be dead because I would have a lot less fear about holding a job.  Part of me hopes that she is still alive.  Forty-two is far too young to pass away.  No matter what they say, it'll be difficult to hear. 


*******

The potential PTSD diagnosis stems from my chronic forgetfulness.  That is something that didn't appear until I was three months into a relationship with Steve.  He was playing gaslighting games.  He would do crazy stuff and claim I did the crap he was pulling.  He was lying about me on Facebook and changing history.  I wound up questioning my perceptions.  I think I spend so much time double checking things, I don't have the mental power to think of anything new. 


I was informed that partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder often wind up with PTSD, even after short relationships. 


I don't know. 


I probably have PTSD due to the stalking and my ex-husband's antics.  Steve just exacerbated everything.


Seriously.....who runs to Facebook claiming that I am lying about being stalked???  My stalker made sure that I knew Steve wrote that.  It broke her heart!!!


Maybe that's what killed her.


Just teasing.....they say it was cancer. 


******

Michael has been in town over the past two weeks.  He's been staying in the basement.  He says that he wants to remarry me.


Mind you.....I haven't kissed him in years.

I forgot what his manhood looks like.


I asked him to go into therapy to uncover why he needs to control me.  If we know the need, maybe we can find a resolution that doesn't involve stealing money and scaring me.


He refused.


I hope he knows that there is no hope of having a relationship with me short of him going to therapy. It looks like I'm going to have to consider selling the house and moving on. 


I did get the paperwork for the home improvement loan.  I'm hopeful I get the house fixed up and ready to sell.



******

Sorry this is so choppy. 

I am in a little bit of a hurry today.  I have a class.  If I can find something more to add, I will. 




I will post if I get confirmation that my scariest stalker is no longer among the living. 



Love ya,

S.
 

A Warning from a Stalking Expert

Today I am thankful for the insight of other therapists. 

Well....

um.....

I spent this morning with a stalking expert.

Apparently.....uh....

[this is bizarre]

stalkers have been known to lay low for a few months, convince their victims that they have died.....and then when the person has their guard down, they  come back with a vengeance. 

So.....

I've been checking the obituaries......

I have found NOTHING! 

I was informed that the state updates the death index every thirty days or so. 

I guess I'll have to go there to confirm the death. 

Maybe this isn't over. 

I'll keep you apprised. 

Love ya,

S. 

Search Results

- See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/denverpost/obituary-search.aspx?daterange=30&firstname=Shannon&lastname=Davis&countryid=1&stateid=8&affiliateid=all#sthash.MQc4icZR.dpuf

Search Results

- See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/denverpost/obituary-search.aspx?daterange=30&firstname=Shannon&lastname=Davis&countryid=1&stateid=8&affiliateid=all#sthash.MQc4icZR.dpuf

Search Results

- See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/denverpost/obituary-search.aspx?daterange=30&firstname=Shannon&lastname=Davis&countryid=1&stateid=8&affiliateid=all#sthash.MQc4icZR.dpuf



Do Narcissists Mourn?

Today I am thankful that most people have empathy.

Witnessing my ex-husband's reaction to the death of his sister has been bizarre to me. 

He literally doesn't care. 

He doesn't seem rattled at all. 

He tells me that it bugs me more than it bugs him.

Why wouldn't it bug me? 

She is the aunt to our children!! 

Yeah, she was scary.

Yes, she was a stalker. 

She never really got to live a life of her own. 

It is a sad thing when someone dies.

******

This is weird. 

There is no obituary for Shannon.

There is no legacy page memorializing her. 

None of the relatives have posted anything on their social networks.

They haven't said a peep.

People who went to high school with her are memorializing her.

One of my guitarist friends went to school with her.  That's how I know.  He's never lied to me before. 

******

I have to ask myself, do narcissists mourn? 

This is weird. 

Love ya,

S. 



News of My Stalker's Death

Today I am thankful that the worst part of the stalking nightmare is probably over.

I woke up today after five hours of sleep.


I was happy. 

I felt unadulterated joy. 


I had a job interview. 

The interviewer commented on my happy energy. 


I was on top of the world. 

I came home.  A marketer offered to hire me to do some voice over work for him.  He wants to promote me on Amazon.  He offered to split the profits with me. 

I felt great. 


Then....


Then....


An old friend from high school told me that my stalker died on Wednesday night at 8:00 p.m.


*****


Now, I still do not know who was behind the stalking I've endured for 23 years from my ex-husband's family. 


I DO know that the only stalker I feared was Shannon. 


The last stalking incident I dealt with was July of 2014 when the door jam on the front door had been yanked away from the wall. 


It's been quiet. 

It's been nice. 


*****
Part of me hopes that this is a huge lie. 


Part of me hopes that she's still alive, getting help, and internally vowing to live HER life to the fullest and leave me alone. 


Then, there is the part of me that I am ashamed of.  This is the part of me that hopes this is true so that I can carry on giving speeches, promoting events, advertising and helping people without fear of Shannon's stalking. 

I am stunned.

I don't know what to think. 


There are no obituaries.  No news channel has spoken of her death. 


I sure hope it is a lie. 


I'm certainly stunned. 


Shannon was only 42 years old.


*****
I never thought I'd think such a thing about Shannon. 


I had a "What If" thought...

What if I had pressed charges against Shannon and had her arrested?   Would they have caught the cancer in time?  Certainly she'd have had a physical in the jail.....right?


I worry about her mother.  If this is true, she lost her husband and daughter within 18 months. 


I couldn't imagine the horror of outliving your children. 


I cancelled my appointments to pick Michael up from the airport. 

He's back in town. 

I asked if he wanted to talk. 


I asked if he wanted company. 


He said he was here to pack up the supplies from his old office.  It's not about his sister.  In his mind, his sister is already dead. 


What does one say? 

I guess all I can do is be present. 

*****

I have two daughters that look exactly like versions of Shannon in various stages of her childhood. 

One of them is seventeen.  She's an artist.  She sells her artwork online.  She's gay.

The other is ten.  She writes....a lot. 


I see them thriving.  I wonder how Shannon could have been if she wasn't caught up trying to please her parents. 

She never moved out of her parent's home. 


Was she allowed to be herself? 

What could she have been if she were allowed to just be? 


I have often wondered if she was held back....too much. 

I wonder.....


I'll be wondering for awhile.


I wished that the stalking to stop. 

I guess my wish came true.





Love ya,

S. 

P.S.  I knew Shannon when she was a teenager.  Her favorite band was Wham.  I'm not sure she ever believed that George Michael was gay. 


I can't find a sad Wham song that is appropriate....


I guess I'll reflect on the stories of her stalking their Limo after a show at Red Rocks back in the 80's. 


I'm not sure if that actually happened....but I guess it makes for an interesting story. 


I am really hoping this is a narcissist trick.  I'd hate for her to actually be dead.  I've heard of narcs pretending to have cancer.  I've never heard of them faking their deaths....





NEXT DAY EDIT:


Well....I'm sad to report that after talking to someone who went to school with Shannon and Michael, Shannon died of complications from cervical cancer. 


I'm wondering why she didn't catch it in time. 

42 is too young.  It really is.